Original subtitles

[Dennis] You better have a good reason for getting us out of bed this early, jerk.

I got a goddamn great reason for getting you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money.

You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.

You're bleeding us to death, especially with that company credit card you got.

That is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.

Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?

Right over here, slick. Don't wanna have hair down there.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?

Your head of security. Yeah. Just wait till he saves your life one day with it.

$6,000 on a camcorder.

Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do...

is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters...

that I've been creating over the past several years...

I'm gonna put 'em on tape. I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube.

That way I can get discovered by a casting director or producer,

get some kind of a TV development deal.

Yeah, right. So the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses.

See? I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others.

Yeah, not that one. No, not at all.

But nonetheless, it was, I believe, bought as a business expense, so...

They're not business expenses. What I bought is a business expense.

What I bought is something that's gonna save our asses.

Okay. Yeah. All right. All right. What'd you get?

I bought a billboard.

Okay, so I'm thinking we write on the billboard in nice big letters,

"We have two for one drink specials on Thursdays."

And on the bottom, you got a hilarious picture of Greenman kicking someone in the nuts.

And people go, "Hey, what's this wacky place? Where can I have those drinks?"

It is absolutely astonishing how bad your ideas are. How is that a bad idea?

Go sit down. The adults are working. Really?

Okay. When we need a child, we'll call you.

- Woo-hoo! - Now, Dennis, you and I on the same team...

Hot chick up on the billboard, sex sells, boom.

Oh, absolutely. It's Advertising 101.

Long legs, taut breasts and tight poopers.

I'm just gonna jump in here real quick and point out...

that this is the point in the conversation...

where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard,

and then you guys would talk about how ugly you think I am...

- and compare me to some sort of giant bird. - You look so much like a bird.

Dennis, I was thinking fish recently. Really?

Yeah. Her eyes are so far apart, they're, like, on the sides of her head.

Okay. Okay. But I don't wanna be on your billboard.

I'm not gonna ask to be because you wouldn't let me be on it anyway.

That's sensible of you not to ask. [Mac] God, no.

For the love of God, there's no way you would be up on that billboard.

- That is never gonna happen! - Let me get the point out!

The point is... Anything's better than you.

I don't wanna be on your billboard, and I'll tell you why.

I'm gonna take one of my characters,

and I'm gonna launch a viral video and promote Paddy's myself.

A viral video? There's about a billion of those on YouTube.

- Who gives a shit, Dee? - Oh, you think anybody gives a shit about a billboard?

Uh, wake up, donkeys.

The Internet is where it's at, and I'm going to be an Internet sensation.

You know, you're totally right. And if you don't mind, I'm gonna come with you.

Maybe I can throw Greenman into a couple of your videos, you know, and work it out.

That'll get a lot of hits, I think. You can help me out, Charlie,

but we're not gonna put Greenman into anything. Well, we'll see about that.

We won't see about that. Well, we will.

Mm-mmm. All right. Uh, later, dudes.

S.U. in your A's, don't wear a "C" and "J" all over your B's.

Why would he not wear a "C"?

I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro.

[Mac] Hey, Frank. Glad you're here, bro.

We're talkin' billboard ideas. Yeah.

Don't waste your time. I know what the billboard's gonna look like already.

Two gorgeous girls up there, giant cans,

me in the middle with my thumbs up.

- Yeah! - Well, that's just simply not gonna happen.

Uh, actually, maybe Frank has a point, dude.

Maybe we should put a dude up there. Certainly not him.

But if we put some hot beefcake up there, maybe it'll attract more chicks.

Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, I like that.

You know what? Let's slap my picture up there.

It's about time I got my modeling career off the ground anyway.

Don't flatter yourself. You're not gonna be up there...

because I am gonna be the face of Paddy's Bar.

That's ridiculous, Frank. You're, um,

ugly.

- What? - Ugly.

- I'm ugly? - Yeah.

With that anteater nose, you're telling me I'm ugly?

My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank.

My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David.

You, on the other hand... Well, you're a pit of despair.

Frank, you disgust me.

You disgust everyone.

And you will never, ever, be on that billboard.

[Irish Accent] Good morning, Philadelphia.

I'm Crazy Paddy, and I'm coming to you from Paddy's Pub,

telling you to come on down, where we're slashing prices so low,

you won't need a pot of gold to get sloppy.

So come on down to Paddy's. It's insane!

What is that? [No Accent] Did you like that?

No. That's not what YouTube videos are like. Oh, that's a great character.

No, that's a bad commercial you'd see on the cable network or something.

Maybe you didn't get it. I'm crazy 'cause I'm pricing the beer too low.

Mmm, I think I got it. The beer's too low for what average beer prices should be.

You know what? Let's just do it again. Maybe throw in some more jokes or something. You know?

Make it a little funnier. Make it funnier. You're absolutely right.

You can make it funny. You're a funny girl.

You ready? Mm-hmm.

Good morning, Philadelphia. I'm Crazy Pad...

[Laughs] Oh!

Oh, my God.

Why? Now that was funny! Dee, that's awesome.

Why would you do that? That's what YouTube video is.

Are you insane? You ever see the little girl who's mashing the grapes...

and then slips and she's, like... Why would you do that, Charlie?

That's what people wanna see! Oh, my God!

People getting injured or seriously hurt... That's funny!

Okay? Let's just do this. This is...

Trust me. This is what gets hits on YouTube.

All right. Are you ready? Yeah. I was ready from the...

Stop talking! [Sighs]

I'm Crazy Paddy... No. Okay.

Okay. I'm Crazy Paddy...

[Grunts] What are you doing?

You're flinching every time now. Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't concentrate when I'm about to get blasted in the face with a ball!

I'll blast you all over if you flinch again.

Don't... Let's just do this.

Let's just do this. Action! These...

[Screams] Goddamn! Oh! Yeah!

Goddamn! That was funny.

I don't like it, Charlie! I don't think it's funny...

Yeah! It's too much.

It's too much. It just hurts too bad.

Bro, can you believe how many hot chicks showed up...

for a casting call for a billboard?

How have we not done this before? Yeah. Yeah, man.

Plus, think about it. Dennis Reynolds, 40 feet tall and shirtless.

[Door Opens] Oh! It's gonna be so perfect.

Let's go. Just take your places over there.

- Frank, what are you doing? - We're lookin' for models, right?

Yeah. I went on a stud hunt. I came back with beefcakes.

What are you talkin' about, Frank? I'm the male model.

Uh, Rex. Rex. Here you go.

What's Rex for? We don't need Rex.

Take your shirt off. Come on. You don't need to take your shirt off.

- [Whistles] - Okay. Well, if you're looking for that.

- [Cackles] Now that... - That's what you want.

That is what you call stallion. [Mac] That is a stallion.

I didn't know you guys were lookin' for a stallion. I'm a stallion...

Ooh! Dennis. Uh... [Groans]

You think Frank's got a point here?

I don't think he has a point. I'm a stallion.

Uh... [Groaning]

All right. This is messy. Um, look, buddy.

2003 Dennis... Okay, he was Grade "A" prime beefcake.

No one is disputing that. He was a stallion.

But 2008 Dennis is in decline.

Take a look at Rex here. That is a body that just won't quit.

I bet if you pop those pants off, you're gonna find a bird that just won't quit either,

and I think that'll come in handy in this situation.

I think the problem here is that your body quit. Your bird quit.

And unfortunately, it's no longer legit.

What the hell are you talking about? My bird?

All right. Let's get back to... To business here.

Attention, ladies! I'm gonna need all the "A" cups to please head for the back door.

[Dee] Charlie, are you ready with the camera?

Yeah. I'm trying to set it up. It takes a second, Dee.

Yeah. All right. Who the hell is this character that you're doing?

Oh, this one? It's a really great one. Her name's Martina Martinez,

and she is a streetwise Puerto Rican girl...

- who's always quick with a sassy comeback. - Are you serious?

Yes. It's awesome. Let's go over what we're doing again. I go up. I talk.

You come in with the volleyball, you hit him in the face and you get out of there.

Okay. I'm gonna hit a random person in the face with a volleyball.

But don't come in too early, 'cause I got some material I wanna do,

and I don't want you to cut me off.

Because Saturday Night Live is gonna really... I think they're gonna love...

Do you really think that? Charlie. Charlie. Point it that way.

Go, go, go. Go. [Clears Throat]

You know, I'm horrified that he's here...

[New York Accent] Um, excuse me. Can I talk to youse?

What?

Youse a bunch of white boys, right? Can I ax you a question?

When you be in the clubs and you be dancin', why you look so stupid?

[Laughs] I'm just playin'.

So, um, youse a big man, right, but you got such tiny boots on.

That means you got a small pecker. I'm sorry!

I'm just playin'. I'm Martina Martinez. [Screaming]

Oh! Greenman!

Oh. [All Laughing]

Okay, attention! Ladies, gentlemen, hotties and beefcakes.

You were brought here because you are the most beautiful people in all of Philadelphia,

and as such, the honor has been bestowed upon all of you...

to compete in Paddy's First Next Top Billboard Model contest.

- Uh, what's the pay? - What?

- What is the pay? - The pay, sir,

is getting your face 40 feet up on a billboard!

- So there's no pay then? - I just told you what the pay is.

He told you what the goddamn pay was. The billboard thing.

- Were you not listening? - Well, I'm outta here.

Fine. Fine! You leave! You crybaby.

We don't need you people. Everybody else!

Let's take their lack of dedication as a lesson, shall we?

Competitions like this aren't about money. They're about fame.

They are about putting yourself on display to the world and saying, "I'm good enough...

because I beat everyone else."

That's right. "And I got myself up on a billboard."

Not so fast!

- The hell are you doin' here? - I want in the competition.

Approach.

Dennis, I told you. You don't have the right stuff.

I got the right stuff, Frank. I can win this thing. I know it!

All right. Judges' sidebar.

Do you wanna let him in? Bro, he's been talking about this modeling thing for years.

If only to shut him up. Hmm.

- You're in. - Oh, yeah! Yes! Huh?

[Shouts, Laughs]

[Growls, Mutters, Laughs]

Okay. The first competition is the underwear competition.

Boom!

- How's your face, Dee? - How do you think it is, Charlie?

You kept hitting me over and over in the same spot with a volleyball.

And I was explicitly clear... no more Greenman. Come on!

Greenman's what makes this thing work.

Greenman is not what makes it work, Charlie.

My characters are what make it work.

No more Greenman. We're not doing it anymore.

All right. Geez, relax.

You're nothing without Greenman.

Oh, shit. Dee, you know what?

This is... This is all, like, a bad frame and stuff.

This isn't gonna work. We gotta do it again.

What? I meant the camera was too low. We gotta...

[Clears Throat] Hey, diary. It's me.

It's Thursday, September 30, about midnight.

Uh, I'm alone, of course, again,

and I just had a little bit too much ice cream.

Interesting.

Hey, Frank. Can I talk to you for a second? What's up?

Bro, originally my plan was to just bang a bunch of models, right?

Oh, yeah. Okay. But after talking to a few of them,

I feel like I could find my true love here.

You think you could fall in love with one of these broads? Yeah, dude!

Look, eventually I gotta settle down, right? Spread my seed.

Haven't you ever seen The Bachelor? Look, you get a whole bunch of them together,

you make them compete over you... Bing, bang, boom, soul mate.

Woo-hoo. That sounds good. [Chuckles]

Okay. You take the girls... Uh-huh.

And I'll take Dennis and the dudes. Really?

Yeah! You'll just give me the girls?

Absolutely. I can have my own competition.

Awesome. Frank, I don't understand it, but I don't care.

All right. Thanks, bud. All right.

See ya. All right.

Whatever. Thank you. Okay.

All right. Where are all my male models?

Come forward. Come forward.

Okay. As you know, in the world of modeling,

you're sometimes asked to model a theme.

Today's theme is "barnyard."

Okay. Everybody come on the stage that I have prepared to give you a little ambience.

Okay. Here is a baby pool that you are all gonna get into.

And, uh, there's a lot of hay, and there's some chickens and ducks.

What the hell, bro? Is that supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit.

It is shit. This is a barnyard.

No one is going to step in shit, all right?

Uh... Rex, are you kidding me? Seriously? You're just gonna step right in it?

I wanna win, bro. Billboard.

Dee, what is this getup? What are you doing now? What is that?

[Chinese Accent] Oh, okay. This is Taiwan Tammy.

She on runway and do a drag queen and nails. Oh, thank you.

Are you kidding me? That is extremely racist! Isn't it awesome?

I'm so excited about this one. All right. Well, good luck to you on that.

Why are your hands in your pockets?

They're itchy. Your hands are itchy?

My hands are a little itchy. Your hands are in your pockets 'cause they're itchy?

Goddamn it! I knew it! Charlie, what are you doing?

I said no Greenman! Greenman sells this whole thing!

It doesn't make any sense! Goddamn it, Charlie!

Hey. I know you. What?

Yeah. You that, uh... that girl. Uh, PatheticGirl43.

PatheticGirl? I almost didn't recognize you in that getup.

- But I'd recognize that whiny voice anywhere. - Yeah!

Hey, you mind if we get a picture together?

Yeah, let's get a picture! I mean, my friends...

I can't believe you recognized us! They ain't gonna believe this.

You saw the YouTube thing, right? Charlie, what is going on?

I'll show you later.

[Sighs] In other news, it seems like I have a rash...

in a place where a sexually active person should have a rash.

Greenman! [Cartoon Sound Effects]

Oh, my God! You put that on YouTube? Oh, my God. I totally did.

Charlie, why would you do that to me?

Because that's great stuff. That is my private video diary!

80,000 hits. 80,000?

80,000 hits, Dee. That's huge! That's a big number.

Yeah. Come on. Don't take this to heart.

[Exhales] Don't take this the wrong way.

Hey, look. You got recognized on the street today. That happened.

So did I. Well, it was me first.

The point is that's the first step to becoming hugely famous...

- Pretty awesome. - is people noticing you on the Internet.

80,000 hits. That's a lot of hits, Charlie.

You know what it's like for Chocolate Rain when he goes around in the world?

He gets free food. He gets free everything, 'cause people love that guy.

Charlie, fire up that video camera.

There you go.

Okay, Anya. So they are, in fact, double D's.

That's great news. [Chuckles]

Well, you got a great look... No denying that.

Let me ask you a question, though.

Why should I pick you over the other girls?

I'm willing to do anything in order to win.

- You're talking about banging me, right? - Maybe.

- [Clicks Tongue] Well, if you say yes... - Yes.

Okay, great. You said yes.

Okay. Anya said yes. That's written down now.

Yes. That's like a contract. All right. Perfect.

You can't go back on it. All right. Well, thank you for coming in.

Thank you. Nice talking to you.

You too. You got a great shot.

You got a great ass. All right.

Wow. [Door Opens]

- Hi. - Hi! Rachelle!

Yes. Rachelle, Rachelle, Rachelle.

Thank you for coming in. I'm having all the girls come in just to make sure we vibe.

- Of course. - What's the difference between you and the rest of the girls?

Well, my heart is in this 100%,

and for more than just a billboard.

For more than a billboard? That's interesting.

- I haven't heard that yet. - No?

I feel like there's vibing happening right now.

- This is the vibing I'm talking about. - Yeah.

- I feel like we're completing each other's... - Sentences.

Yeah! I was gonna say "sentences"! [Laughs]

I know. Oh, my God.

- How did you read my... - Mind.

I was gonna say "head." Oh.

But that's okay. That's all right.

We got... We're one for two.

Okay. That's okay. Fifty percent.

- You and I are gonna get along very well. - [Laughs]

Rex, that is a sexy jaguar.

I mean, that jaguar is fierce!

I've-I've... I've never been turned on by a jaguar before.

This has totally changed my mind toward jaguars.

[Slide Projector Clicks]

Dennis, your mule is shit. I am no longer turned on by mules.

You gave Rex "jaguar"! There aren't jaguars in barns!

Plus, what the hell am I supposed to do with a mule? You can't make a mule sexy.

Dennis, you've been out-modeled.

I have not been out-modeled. I haven't even begun to work this hot body.

What's the next event?

The clothes-off pose-off.

♪♪ [Disco]

Oh! Jesus Christ, Frank!

That burns! What... What are you doing?

Anything can happen on a runway, Dennis.

Nobody's gonna throw detergent in my eyeballs on a runway, Frank!

And you think that was bad, check out this tasty delight.

You gotta eat cockroaches next.

You know, man, screw this. I'm outta here.

Finished.

Jesus, Rex. I didn't tell you to start eating yet.

That doesn't disqualify me, does it?

- No, you're good. - [Sighs]

Oh, hey, diary. Listen. Today was the worst day ever.

I had an audition and I didn't get the part,

which is really, really strange for me.

But then the casting director called and they were, like,

"We thought you were just better for a different part."

And I was, like, "That makes more sense."

Cut, cut! What are you doing? That was great.

What are you doing? Why don't you do it like you did the first time?

- This is just weird. - This is what I do. I talk into the camera about my life.

You never do this. You have all these colors on your face. Your mouth is going like this...

Don't bust my balls. This is great exposure for me. This is stupid.

[Door Closes] Hey, Charlie. You are here! Dee!

What the hell's going on? She looks like a clown. I don't know.

Get outta here! Like a porn star or something.

He almost didn't recognize you! You guys shooting a porn?

- No, we're not... - Never mind. I don't care.

Listen, we need to get that company credit card from Frank. Yeah? What's up?

Man, dude, I realized something.

I don't need validation anymore. How great is that?

But what I do need is the company credit card...

so that I can buy myself a billboard, get myself out there...

and show the entire world that Dennis Reynolds...

still has a rocking body that deserves to be worshipped.

Get out of here! We're in the middle of something!

- No, you get out of here! - This is my place!

I need that billboard! Hang on a second.

Okay, look. Guys, guys. [Sighs]

There's a way to make you guys both happy, all right?

I got a pretty good plan how to do this.

Hey, everybody. PatheticGirl43 here, coming to you live...

with Philadelphia's next top model, Dennis Reynolds.

Dennis, tell us what it's like to be so handsome.

Well, I like to think I've been this handsome since birth, possibly even earlier...

Oh! Greenman!

[Gasping]

This shamrock will be awarded to the winner...

as a symbol of my vote and love for this competition.

Rachelle, you taught me about love,

respect, inner beauty.

Dominique, you banged me, like, right away.

[Chuckles] I hardly had to do anything.

Tabitha, you did the same.

But most importantly, you banged each other.

And you let me watch.

Awesome. [Inhales]

[Sighs] But when I was making this decision,

I thought long and hard, and I thought, "I have to go with my heart."

"I have to go with my heart."

So I'm gonna do something a little unorthodox here. [Sighs]

A top o' the morning... to both of you!

- [Both Screaming] - [Rachelle] What?

I had two of them! I had another one here.

I tricked you. I got both of you guys.

But you just said that I taught you about inner beauty and respect.

Yeah, but this whole thing's about banging, and you didn't bang me. So...

You're a dick! I know!

And that's what I learned. [Chuckles]

Hey-o! Check it out. Check it out!

What is it? I'll tell you what it is, bitch.

[Door Closes] It's a YouTube video that me, Dee and Charlie just made.

It's gonna get a million hits. So guess what, pal?

Don't need your billboard. I'm going viral.

I'm glad you don't need it, because you can't have it because it's already up.

What? Yeah. I put it up right after you called me ugly.

There's no billboard?

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, Rex. My bad.

So, wait. If you already put the billboard up, wh-what did you put on it?

♪♪ [Disco]

[Synthesized Voice] ♪ A.R.S. ♪

♪ A.R.S. ♪

♪ A.R.S. ♪

♪♪ [Ends]

[Voices Speaking Backwards]