Original subtitles

Give me the walkie.

Frank, I'm having a hard time understanding what we're doing here.

- Just give me the|walkie-talkie. - All right.

Why did you hide your will in the ceiling?

I didn't do it. Charlie did it.

Why did Charlie hide your will in the ceiling?

Because I didn't want to crawl around these goddamn vents.

- Give me my gun. - Oh, right.

Dude, I don't think you should be carrying this thing anymore, man.

I mean, it always gets you into trouble.

Recently it has occurred to me

that Dennis and Deandra stand to lose a lot of money because they're not my kids.

They're gonna rub me out.

Frank, you're being very paranoid about this.

If you just go to a lawyer, you can draft up a new will, no big deal.

Don't overthink this. Trust me.

Give me the goddamn gun.

Now, do you think you can make sense of Charlie's map,

because it's as dark as a well digger's ass up here.

Frank, no one understands the subtleties of Charlie's retardation better than me.

I can guide you right to it.

Then you will be handsomely rewarded.

- I like that. - Shit.

- What's that? - Seal me up, seal me up.

Get it. Just get it! Shut!

What I say is the law. I'm the boss of both of you now.

What are you talking about, man?

Why are you standing like that?

Because I'm your big brother, dude, and I'm the boss of you.

Where is this coming from, man? You are not our big brother.

Yes, I am, so get me a beer, little bro,

before I give you a serious noogie.

Dude, I swear to God, if you try and give me a noogie,

I will yank your underwear over your head so hard your asshole will rip in half.

What's up, bitches?

Mac, can an asshole rip in half?

Like tissue paper.

- Are they behind us? - Back up!

Whoa, whoa, what the hell are you guys doing?

Okay, okay, don't shoot, okay?

- Just take whatever you want. - Yeah, take the cash register.

Take the girl.

- What do you mean, take the girl? - Don't argue with them, just go.

You'd better just go with them.

But they're not trying to take me anywhere.

Don't try to be a hero, Dee, just do what they say.

- They're not saying anything. - What's the sense?

If you keep arguing with them, then we're all going to die.

- We don't want the girl. - So take the cash.

- We don't want the cash. - Well, then, what the hell do you want?!

We're taking you bitches hostage.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Transcript: swsub.com

Synch: www.italiansubs.net

That's right, and we need a gassed-up boat and we need 100,000 clams in a briefcase.

And a Planet Hollywood jacket... a leather one.

Reversible.

We need a reversible Planet Hollywood jacket, too.

I can't believe this is happening. Taken hostage by McPoyles?

- We should just bum rush 'em. - Hey, I'm the one making the demands here,

pig, and if they're not met in one hour, I'm going to kill one of the hostages.

You hear that?

In one hour, we're going to have Margaret shoot one of you in the face.

And if any of you try to escape, we'll massacre you in a blaze of glory.

Then play with your bodies. Especially Dennis.

Let's secure the perimeter.

Holy shit.

Did you hear that? I think he means it.

There's no way they're going to get those demands.

They can't get a Planet Hollywood jacket. Those places don't even exist anymore.

They don't even make those jackets. They'd have to call Stallone or something.

- He's not going to give his up. - Maybe Ackroyd?

- They're not going to part with theirs. - Shut up.

We need to focus, okay? This is serious.

We could get Stockholm syndrome.

Oh, my God, what is that? What is it?

Does it start with a sore throat? Because I think I might be getting it.

No, you're not getting it, Charlie.

I'm sorry, you a doctor? I don't think you're qualified

to tell me whether or not I'm coming down with Stockholm syndrome.

Stockholm syndrome... it messes with your mind.

You start to empathize and then you could side with your captors.

- We could turn against each other. - Dee is right.

Look, we need to watch out for each other, okay?

The only way we're going to get through this is if we stick together.

Nobody has to die.

- Somebody has to die. - Oh, yeah.

- It doesn't have to be one of us. - No, it shouldn't be!

It may as well be Mac or Charlie, right? What do they have to live for?

- Not one thing. - So we need to form a pact.

No matter what happens, you and I have to stick together.

- You and I will form an alliance. - We'll form an alliance.

Dennis is going to try and have you killed.

I can't say that surprises me.

He's going to sell us all down the river.

Okay, should we kill him first or something?

Hey, look, I don't want anybody to have to die, but if somebody does...

- there's no reason it shouldn't be Dennis. - It should be Dennis, right?

- He had a great life... - Oh, yeah, sure.

- He had a full, full good ride. - Oh, a fantastic ride.

- I had a terrible ride. - Charlie, you had the worst ride.

- I had the worst ride anyone, could... - You deserve another shot at the ride.

- I want a better ride! - Oh, you ought to ride and ride.

So listen, here's what we do.

You and I, no matter what, we got to stick together.

We got stick together. We should get to Mac though, before Dennis does.

- Mac will be with us. - Mac will be with us.

Frank, Frank come in, Frank.

The McPoyles have taken us hostage and they're threatening to kill all of us.

It's too late for the guys, but there's plenty of time to save me.

So come down here and get me out of here.

Where the hell have you been?

I've been looking for you for 20 minutes.

I'm lost as shit up here.

McPoyles have taken over the bar. They're threatening to kill one of us.

- Come save me. - Holy crap.

Forget about the rest of them, Frank.

They're all going to perish. It's just me. There's still time to save me. Get down here.

Not until I get that will.

Once that will is safe and secure, I'll come and help you.

Will? There's plenty of time to do that. We can do that some other time, dude.

No. This is all the more reason to get that document.

Who the hell knows how it's going to shake out down there.

Everybody gather round.

I got to go. I'll call you back.

All right, there's absolutely no way they're going to meet all our demands.

So you guys are going to dig a hole straight through the wall

to the next building. We're going to go to the roof and escape by helicopter.

- Man, come on... - Here's how it's going to work.

Two of you are going to dig while two of you rest, and then you switch.

I volunteer to rest first.

Bullshit. You can't volunteer to rest.

Oh, really? Well, you can be on my team if you want,

but my team rests first 'cause I called it.

All right, great. Then it's it's settled... I'm on your team. We'll rest first.

Charlie and Mac, you dig.

You're going to be on Dee's team? Some loyalty, bro.

Dude! What the hell, man... you don't want to be on my dig team?

Easy, Charlie... I never said that. I feel like the syndrome's making you all paranoid.

- It's making me crazy, dude. I feel like - Hold on.

- my throat is burning. - Oh, my God, he's burning up.

- Am I burning up? - You got to sit down.

- Okay. Oh, my God, I'm getting sick. - You got to sit down.

Guys, clearly Charlie's coming down with a nasty case of Stockholm syndrome.

Now the last thing you guys need is a room full of sick hostages.

So, guys, you mind if I grab a couple of beers, 'cause I feel like

we would be a lot more relaxed if we had some beer...

Oh, and a cooler. Dude, get a cooler.

- Good idea, Charlie. - That way we can keep the beers cold.

- All right. - Uh, uh.

Dude, what the hell? The cooler's going to keep the beer cold.

Well, how are we going to do that without a cooler, man?

- I would appreciate a cold beer. - We'll should probably...

- Yeah, we should probably all have - Yes, sir. Some beer,

- cold beer inside of a cooler. - and a cooler. Allright.

- I wanna take a vote. - We'll drink some beer.

All in favor of beer in coolers... great, great.

Then it's settled. Charlie, go get a cooler.

It's a double, Charlie... no beer no cooler. Margaret, put your hand down.

- But your sister agrees with us. - Yeah, she agreed with us, man.

She's a deaf mute. The only reason she raised her hand, is 'cause you guys did.

Really? Let's try that again, right?

Awesome!

Yeah, I wonder what else we could get her to do?

- Ah, let's blink, let's blink really fast. - Okay.

Oh, come on, that's awesome.

All right, put your hands down and stop blinking! Leave Margaret alone.

You two in the bathroom, you two grab some shovels. Ryan, crank up the heat.

We're going to get this place hot and clammy. Just like the McPoyles like it.

Ah. Here we go. Charlie, what are you trying to tell me?

"If here by now than bad place bee.

Troubled time

for you when heat comes".

Jesus Christ, the kid's an idiot.

Wha... wha...? Oh, shit! What it was?

Damn, man, they're really cranking that heat, huh?

Yeah, man, maybe that's why she dressed in that.

Oh, of course that's why they dressed like that.

They're going to stay all nice and cool while we get all hot and steamy.

Why are you covering your mouth like that?

So she can't read my lips. Dude, I don't want her reading my lips.

- Her? She can't read lips. No way. - You don't think?

Here, check this out. Do you understand what I'm saying?

No? Can you understand the words

- that I am saying? - Do you know what I am saying?

You can't read lips, can you?

- Right. All right, Charlie... There's - What was that?

- something I've got to talk to you about. - Yeah?

I need you to help me out with this map.

Whoa! What are you doing with my map, dude?

Frank gave it to me. All right, he's up in the vents, all right?

He's going to try and retrieve his will.

Now if I guide him to it successfully,

he's going to give me a very large percentage of that. He thinks that Dennis and Dee...

- What are you doing? - It's boring, dude.

I'm getting bored over here.

You should be paying attention, Charlie,

- because this could be very good for you. - Come on, come on,

- come on, you're losing me. - Oh, my God.

With Frank dead, and the will gone, Charlie gets all the money!

- I get all the money? What money? - All the money.

- The inheritance money. - Okay, good, good.

- Do you understand what's happening? - Yeah! Good! Kind of.

Do you understand what's going on with this map?

- Yes. - Okay.

Now, just walk me through it and we'll go through the numbers later.

It's a fake map... it's a decoy.

- Really? - Yep.

- Where's the real map? - The real map is tattooed on my body.

- Get out of here! Where? - Yeah. Right here.

- You can't be serious. - Oh, I'm dead serious.

- This is impossible. - It's very possible.

Dude, I'm not looking in your butt.

You have to, dude. That's the only way to find the will.

All right. But you've got to swear not to tell anybody.

I swear.

- I can't see anything. - Look closer.

- What do you see? - Nothing.

- What do you smell? - Oh, my God!

You farted in my face?! You farted in my face?!

- What do you think? - Are you kidding me?

- Why would you do something like that? - Why?

'Cause you stole my map and Frank's in the vent.

You're lying to me, we could die today, and that's what the fart in your face was for.

All right, we don't have time for this, all right? Where's the real map?

That's the real map. There's no fake map, idiot.

- Jesus Christ! - Are you kidding me?

- This is just unbelievable. - How could anybody like it this hot?

- I feel woozy. - This is bullshit.

A couple of glasses of milk. Lukewarm; skim for the lady.

- Look, we don't want your milk, Liam. - Then start breaking bricks, wet nips.

- You know what, I think you're full of shit. - Is that right?

Yeah, that's right. I think I can walk out of here right now

and I don't think you'd do anything 'cause I don't think you're serious.

- You don't think I'm serious? - No, I don't think you're serious.

- Now, you think I'm bluffing? - I think you're bluffing.

- You think I'm bluffing? - I think you're bluffing.

Than bluff this. Ryan, stab somebody.

What have you done, man? Give me the milk.

Showing 'em we're not bluffing.

Damn! You're supposed to stab one of them. You stab one of them.

I got to take care of this.

- Oh, shit! - My bad.

- Oh, my God. - One of the most terrifying things

- I mean, - I've ever seen in my life, Dee.

That must have taken so much heart... you know, to stab your brother like that.

- I mean, that is real dedication. - What?

Whatever, okay. Look, I think we need a real plan here.

- The hour's coming upon us, okay? - Yes. Yes.

Oh! Look, maybe I can corner one of them, all right?

I'll manipulate them, get inside their head.

And have sex with them.

Have sex with them? No. I was going to say pit them against each other.

What? I know.

What? What did I say?

- You said... - No!

Oh, God, no. Those guys are disgusting.

Dee, I think you're starting to show signs of Stockholm syndrome.

No, listen, I'm fine, all right?

Can we just focus here? Just tell me what the plan is.

Let's focus. Okay, here's the plan.

I know I can get the girl to fall in love with me, okay?

Now I know I'm not one of the members of her family.

I got that going against me. But...

I do have a secret weapon.

Boom. All right?

I just need to get alone with her and let the pecs do the talking.

One thing will lead to the next... she'll lead me secretly to safety.

Mac, what's with the goddamn heat?

I'm roasting like a suckling pig up here.

Uh, yeah, man, it's getting pretty hot up in this piece, huh?

Must be miserable up in those vents, Frank.

Charlie, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

Hey, are you lost? I warned you never to go up in those vents without me.

Uh, yeah, a little bit.

Hey, Charlie...

You think you could give the walkie-talkie over to Mac?

I got to talk to him privately.

Yeah, hold on a second.

Yo, buddy, I'm here.

Mac, go somewhere where you're alone.

Okay, Frank, we're alone.

Whatever happens, make sure Charlie's the first one to die.

What? Why?

Because of this will business, he stands to gain the most out of it.

- That's a very good point. - That's an excellent point, all right.

Uh, that's a good plan, Frank. I'll get back to you in about ten.

All right get back to me. Ten-four.

Okay, well, I think it's pretty clear what we should do.

- Yeah. - Frank has to die.

- Gotta kill Frank. - Gotta kill him somehow.

So once the McPoyles take out Dennis, Dee and Frank...

Yeah.

then you and I will split the money right down the middle.

That's kind of a lot, don't you think?

- I'll tell you what... - No, what?

I'll give you 25%.

25%?

Hey, ball sacks, put those on.

Why?

It's too obvious who the hostages and who the captors are.

We're gonna confuse the cops.

All right, your time is almost up.

And we thought we'd spice things up with an immunity challenge. The team who wins

will be exempt from the first round of shootings in the face.

- Oh, that's a great idea! - Dee, shut up.

- What the hell is she talking about? - She's got Stockholm syndrome.

No, I don't.

No, I just think it's a good way to decide who to kill first.

I'm trying to put myself in their position, you know,

it's called compassion, dickheads.

Maybe if you guys had a little bit of it

you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

And then we wouldn't be standing here, trying to figure out

which one of you we have to kill, but

that's where we are, so hand me that shotgun.

'Cause I'd like to do this mess myself.

Get on your knees, bitches!

What are you doing? Now you're on their side?

You wanna be a McPoyle, trash bag?

If you wanna be a McPoyle, you've gotta earn that the hard way.

And you will learn that later on. But for now the challenge is this:

Whoever can destroy more things on the inside of this bar wins.

And the teams have changed.

It's now Dee and Charlie versus Mac and Dennis.

You have one minute to plan your strategy.

Starting now.

Ooh, come, come here, come here, come here.

All right, look, man, I think I got a plan to get us out of this,

but I need you to do the destroying the bar thing. Can you do that?

No problem, I'm a great destroyer!

Are you kidding me, dude? You're a born smasher.

- Yeah, I'm a born smasher! - All right, all right.

I'm gonna work a different angle with the girl.

- Work those pecs. - Yeah, exactly.

- All right, dude. - Bump it.

- All right, Dennis... - What?

I love you.

Go, go, go!

Okay, okay, I got a plan actually.

I'm gonna start by wrecking the back

office, I don't think anyone thought of that.

The back office? Charlie, I feel like there's a lot more stuff...

Listen to me ok? I don't blame you for that betrayal but you're acting nuts!

All right, listen, I'm sorry about that whole thing earlier...

Shut up, okay? I'm trying to save your life here, Dee.

Listen, I'm gonna save your life by wrecking that back office.

We gotta stick together, okay? You got it?

Yes, I got it, Charlie.

Time's up, assholes! Start smashing!

I love you.

Said to come in here and take a break from all the excitement.

It's got me all sweaty.

So sweaty.

Do you mind?

Margaret, you like sweat, don't you?

It is Margaret, isn't it? Of course it is.

You know, your eyebrow drives me crazy.

It's so thick. It's so... dark, so very...

connected.

You're a stone-cold fox, Margaret.

You're a stone-cold fox and I want you.

I gotta have you, I need you. I want you inside me.

But you know that. Don't you, Margaret?

Yeah.

Look at yourself, Dee. You've turned into a monster.

Well, it's not my fault, I'm sick.

I know, Dee.

I know, you're the one that first told us about Stockholm syndrome.

But I feel like if you just snap out of it,

there's a chance that we could survive this if we just stick together.

- Okay. - All right, all right! Time's up.

Looks like Mac and Dennis take it.

- Nice! Blast away, boys. - No!

No, wait!

Wait, because Charlie... Charlie destroyed the office.

Come by and look! Charlie saved my life.

- Blast her, blast her. - Charlie, we did it!

We did it.

Goddamn it, Charlie.

Frank, Frank! Come in, Frank.

When we get out of this,

I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass!

Hard and fast.

Not in a sexual way, in a "I am pissed off at you" way...

for turning off your walkie-talkie and leaving me in this shit hole!

Listen to me very carefully, Frank.

Charlie has escaped. Repeat, Charlie has escaped.

I think he's gonna come after you, man.

Don't worry about it. I can take care of myself.

God, I just stepped in glass! There's broken bottles all over the place.

Broken bottles everywhere?

Oh, shit, dude.

I think you're in Charlie's bad room.

What the hell is that?

It's where he goes to be alone and break bottles.

Dude, you got to be real careful. He's gonna find you.

I can take care of myself.

Hello, Frank.

I gotta call you back.

Be careful, be careful.

Hi, Charlie.

Looking for your will, Pop?

That's exactly what I'm looking for.

You know, it's funny what kind of men we turn into

in circumstances like this.

I heard who you wanted to have killed.

That goddamn Mac.

And tell me, Frank...

what do you think about...

this?

I liked that very much.

That's exactly why I came up here!

No, it's...

Yeah, I guess it is.

No, let's get that out of here.

No, I don't think so, Frank.

See, I don't need you anymore now, do I?

What are you talking about?

What are you doing? Put your hands down!

Charlie, put your hands down!

- Charlie, don't... - Bye, man!

Oh, my God, you carry that everywhere. Now, dude, that's ridiculous.

- Lead me the hell out of here! - Fine.

- How? - This way.

- That way? - Put that gun down.

- I was gonna going that way. - Well, that would have been all wrong.

All right, that was...

nice, that was very...

hot, sweaty and passionate...

milky...

Now let's get out of here, let's... sneak out of here,

you know, that's our life together,

let's get out of this crazy place together,

come on, let's go, stick me out!

What... no! No, no, no, no, no!

No, without all the kissing part, ok? That part's over.

We're in love now, and you can stick me out of here.

We're at that part now, right?

No, no, no, no!

Please, tell me you understand what I'm saying. Do you understand me?

Do you understand, or you don't understand, do you?

Oh, God, it is all worth to nothing.

What the hell is going on here?

Nothing.

It doesn't look like "nothing", but, for the record, I'm into it.

Everybody to the roof... It's time to pay the piper.

Ok, just a couple of hundred more yards and we're out of here.

A couple of hundred... push hard!

That's it, push!

- Go! - I got a thump, Charlie!

I want that you guys go.

I... I'm a McPoyle now, so you wouldn't kill me, right?

No, no, she's got Stockholm syndrome! Don't listen to her, she'll betray you!

I'm the one who won in the challenge.

I'm the one that should live.

I see we both won in the challenge,

because we're in the same team, so we're both safe.

I did all the work. You're in the bathroom getting laid. He was getting laid.

I love inbreeding.

I like men and tight white underpants.

- Get on your knees! - Goddamn it!

We're free, dude, we're free!

Frank and Charlie!

Frank and Charlie came to save us!

Right?

- Uh... yeah. - Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, we came here to, uh, save you guys.

- Yeah, no, we came to, uh... - That's exactly it.

- That's why we came. - save you.

So, here we are.

Frank.

Liam.

What a delicious surprise.

Looks like we got ourselves into a bit of a pickle here.

Get over with your friends.

I don't think so.

Really?

Really.

Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon!

Brother!

God!

I love you!

- God, I love you. - No!

- Hang on! - Don't let go!

I got you!

I got you, brother.

Oh, no, you don't.

- What are you doing? - Ah!

Stop!

Why are you doing that?

No!

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

I think I might get a bruise on my heel.

That's not bad.

No!

It's not really bad at all. It's pretty fun... it's like, "Ah!"

Why don't you guys climb down that ladder?

All right.

Later, bitches.

"Later, bitches"? What...

So they're just leaving?

Wait... why are they leaving?

What is happening here?

This gun is rubber.

- It's rubber? - Rubber gun.

She's right, it's rubber.

There's no police!

There's no police down there, dude.

What the hell is happening?

What is going on here?

What, are they just screwing with us?

Where are the cops?

Revenge! We got you, suckers!

Nobody messes with McPoyles!

McPoyles!

Goddamn it!