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1 It's a rare treat when the Premier League title

comes down to the last match of the season.

And, Thierry, if the Greyhounds win on Sunday,

and Manchester City loses or draws, AFC

Richmond will actually win the league.

Incredible. And you picked them to finish last.

Hey, so did you.

Sorry, Gary. I only remember my victories.

I have no room in my brain for anything else.

Hmm. Well, it should be a great match.

The last time Richmond played West Ham though, things got ugly.

That wasn't football. It was a crime scene.

Speaking of which,

Rupert Mannion has been accused of an inappropriate relationship

by a former assistant,

- putting the team owner in hot water. - Hot water?

That man is boiling.

If he had noodles in his pockets, he could make a soup.

My nan made a delicious pocket soup. Bit like a minestrone.

Personally, I thought he

should have stayed with Rebecca Welton.

Now, they were a power couple.

Oh, shut up, Thierry Henry.

Morning, Rebecca.

- Morning, Ted. - Hi.

Yeah. Um...

Um...

So, do you, um...

You know, do you want to talk about it?

Mmm.

I'm not really ready to talk about it yet.

Mm-hmm.

- Okay. - Good morning!

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, what

a night, what a night, what a night.

Whoo!

Sorry for all the noise.

Morning, nerds. You're welcome for all the noise.

Milady.

Oh, Rebecca, I hope you don't mind.

I went through your wardrobe and borrowed this dress.

Oh, it's a blazer. But, yes, yes. Help yourself.

Hey, thanks again for letting us all crash here last night.

You know... When I got Beard's text saying

that there was a deadly gas leak in the neighborhood,

I just assumed he was bragging about one of his epic toots.

Isn't that crazy that this is gonna be

the last time we wake up like this?

Hmm.

I mean, the last and first time. But, still, you know.

No, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. Boss don't want to talk about it yet.

It's not that I refuse to talk about you going home, Ted.

It's that I refuse to accept that you are not coming back.

God.

Boss.

I'm right there with you.

I'll start in the guest rooms.

- No! No, no, no! No. - Uh, no. No, no, no, no. Please. Please...

Those ropes are not garbage.

Some of it's dirty on purpose.

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com -

Hear ye, hear ye, this locker room is now in session.

All rise for the Honorable Judge McAdoo.

Silence!

Be seated.

Court Treasurer.

Are there any unresolved fines from this season?

There are, Your Honor.

And please remember that all fines

will go towards funding our end-of-season

party this Sunday night at the restaurant.

- Very well. Bailiff. - Hmm?

Please bring forth the receptacle.

Uh, the assistant kitman has it.

- Assistant to the kitman. - Oh.

Court Treasurer. Release the fines.

"Jan Maas."

"Late for training. £200."

- That's fair. - Naughty boy.

- "Dani Rojas." - Huh?

"Not texting 'happy birthday' on a teammate's birthday. £100."

Objection, Your Honor.

I did put a tiny, little heart on someone else's "happy birthday."

Overruled!

"Jamie Tartt."

Ooh.

"Falling asleep during team meditation training.

- £200." - Huh?

Wow. You fell asleep?

- Bro, everyone was sleeping, man. - Nah, not me.

I was just the only one who was snoring.

Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait.

- Is there anything else? - That is all I have, Your Honor.

Very well. And finally, Nathan Shelley.

For missing every training session,

every match and every team dinner this season,

I hereby fine you £5,000!

Yeah, that's fair. I mean, I deserve it.

The party will now have an open bar and live band karaoke!

Oh.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

One of these days, I'm gonna scare you.

Well, that's easy. Just ask me what I'm thinking about.

What are you thinking about?

Stuff.

Terrifying.

Hmm.

Good to see you, Roy.

- Morning, Keeley. - Morning.

- Morning, Keeley. - Morning.

- Yo. - Hey.

What happened to you? I thought you were right behind me.

Jane had a surprise for me.

Oh, that's nice.

My passport.

Which she shredded so that I wouldn't be able to leave the country.

- Good thing you got dual citizenship, huh? - Triple.

- Vatican City is a country, baby. - Right.

Mm-hmm.

- Gentlemen. - Hmm?

I can't finish the book until the season ends, obviously.

But before you leave, I'd love to get your thoughts.

Let me know if there's anything you disagree with.

I won't take it out, but I'm happy to tell you where you're wrong.

Hmm.

Fuck!

Oh. Everything okay, Roy?

How do you know if a girl likes you or not?

Well, um...

you know, that might be a tasty, little treat for the Diamond Dogs.

No.

No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

So close.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Can't wait to dive into this, Trent.

Thank you.

Nope.

Derivative.

Okay.

Overly prosaic.

Actually, I'm gonna just pop out for a second.

The press are asking if you have any comments about Rupert's divorce.

Hmm. Yes, of course. Uh, but no, no comment.

- Smart. - Classy.

Moving on, Leslie and I are asking

if you have any comments on Rupert's divorce.

Juicier, the better. Safe space.

Also no comment.

- Ah! Boo! - Oh...

Oh... Look, I'm sorry. I just genuinely don't care anymore.

- Hmm. - What's next?

We need to talk about who we're hiring to replace Ted.

I've made a list of the usual suspects,

and I threw in a basketball coach from

New Zealand just to spice it up a bit.

Right. I can't think about that yet.

Okay. After the season then.

Oh, last thing from me. On a happier note,

now that we have a guaranteed spot

in the Champions League next season...

we have had many requests to buy a piece of the club.

Our value is at an all-time high, so it's worth considering.

You give up 49%, retain full control and make a huge pile of cash.

We can buy more players, renovate the stadium.

Ooh, maybe we can get some of those fancy seats.

The ones with the heaters like they have at Tottenham.

Ooh, they're amazing... in February.

You see, I accidentally turned mine on last summer

and nearly melted my bottom crack together.

Think about it anyway. It's, uh... It's only 49%.

- Leslie? - Hmm?

How much would I get if I sold the entire club?

Rebecca.

You can't sell the club.

Why not?

I mean, I only got into this to ruin Rupert's life.

And he seems to be doing a pretty good job of that himself.

So come on, Leslie. How much?

I don't know.

Uh, off the top of my head, I'd say two billion.

Oh.

Oh, fuck me.

Fuck me.

All right, Roy.

I think that's enough for today. You can go ahead and call it.

Roy, please.

Whistle! Whistle!

Go on, bring it in.

Thank you, Roy.

Coach and I didn't wanna make a big deal

about it being our last practice.

- Just a regular day. - Yeah. Nothing special. Right?

Yeah. Sure.

Whatever you guys want.

- That was ominous. - What the fuck was that?

What the fuck is that?

What the fuck is this?

♪ There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall ♪

♪ And the bells in the steeple too ♪

♪ And up in the nursery an absurd little bird ♪

♪ Is popping out to say "cuckoo" ♪

♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪

♪ Regretfully they tell us but firmly they compel us ♪

♪ To say goodbye ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ So long, farewell ♪ ♪ Auf Wiedersehen, good night ♪

♪ We hate to go and miss this pretty sight ♪

♪ So long, farewell ♪ ♪ Auf Wiedersehen, adieu ♪

♪ Adieu, adieu ♪ ♪ To yieu and yieu and yieu ♪

♪ So long, farewell ♪ ♪ Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye ♪

♪ We flit, we float ♪ ♪ We fleetly flee, we fly ♪

♪ So long, farewell ♪ ♪ Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye ♪

♪ The sun has gone to bed and so must I ♪

♪ Adios ♪

♪ Adios ♪

♪ Adios ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

Thank you, fellas. That was perfect.

Hey, Keeley. Love those boots.

Thanks.

- Hey, Nate. - Hey, Keeley. You all right?

Yeah. Oh, it's so good to have you back.

- Thank you. It's really good to be back. - Yeah.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Ninety-one. - Ninety-two.

Hello, boys.

- Hello, Keeley. - Hey, Keeley. Uh-oh.

- What do we got here? - A little last-day present. One for you.

- Aw. - And one for you.

- All right. - Don't open that before you get on the plane!

Or better yet, just don't get on the plane.

- Thanks, Keeley. - Thanks, Keeley.

Is everybody decent?

Aw, one of these days, right?

Okay, remember you've got your extra press session tomorrow at noon.

And you're confident, generous, excited. You're fucking legends!

- Thanks, Keeley! - Whoo!

Mmm.

- Keeley. - Hi, Jamie.

- Hey, you good? - Yeah, you?

Yeah, good, good, yeah. Uh, mad one.

Uh, Nike want to fly me to Brazil to shoot this commercial thing.

But I said to them that I wouldn't do it

unless I could have my publicist with me.

Make sure I don't fuck it up. So, uh, what do you think?

- It's not for me. - Yeah.

- I'm fucking with you. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Yeah. Thank you. - Congrats.

Um, yeah, cool. Uh, so, someone from Nike is gonna call you.

Uh, name starts with W. Ends with W. I don't...

- I'll handle it. - Okay.

- Thank you, Jamie. - Yeah.

Hey, Jamie.

Yeah?

Wanna grab a beer later?

I thought you said I couldn't have beer anymore.

Well, you're with me, so you get a pass.

Yeah, decent. I'm in, yeah.

- Sweet. - Sweet.

So are you two friends now?

- Uh, yeah. Guess so. - That's wonderful.

Yeah.

Fucking mint, yeah.

- Should I use that pose or that pose? - Lads. Ah, thank the Lord.

- None of 'em. - I just signed up for that Bantr.

- Ah. - Should I...

I mean, when your father died, I was terrified of being alone.

But now I've learned so much about myself in this last year,

and I've been right all along, you know.

I really am exceptional.

Right. Mother, you know that Ted isn't dying.

He's just moving back to America.

Oh. You say potato, you say potato.

I've been thinking about selling the club.

- I know. Is that crazy? - No! No, I love it.

- Oh. - Go for it. Take the money and run.

- Explore the world. - Hmm.

- Uh, more importantly, explore yourself. - Hmm.

You know, I had a dream last night

that I was a cabaret singer in Japan.

Shut up.

No, you've given me chills.

- I had exactly the same dream. - Hmm?

Oh, you were a dentist in Taiwan,

- but... - Oh, Mother.

Oh, well, potato, potato.

You going to the match on Sunday?

Oh, sausage, I can't. I'm sorry.

I've been wanting to get a tattoo,

so I'm meeting with a specialist who can remove it if I hate it.

But I did see Tish the other day.

She told me who's gonna win the game. Do you wanna know?

Oh, I have had more than enough of Tish's bloody predictions

to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

But please do tell her that she's a

fraud that preys on people's weaknesses.

That's exactly what she said you'd say.

Anything else, ladies?

I'd just like some peace of mind for my daughter.

And all of her generation.

Oh, must be awful for 'em, lying awake at night haunted

by how fucking easy they've had it.

Fucking hell.

We'll just have the bill. Thank you, Mae.

It's been taken care of by these gentlemen.

We just, uh, wanted to thank you

for everything you've done for the club.

Yeah. The love and care you have for the team is inspiring.

Kind of like the mother we never had.

Oh, that's weird.

'Cause I'm like the mother she's never had.

I guess that makes you like the grandmother we never had.

No, it doesn't.

Hmm.

Why would you say that?

- I was trying to be nice. - Hmm.

- Hmm. - Did I tell you?

I'm learning to... Oh.

What's it called? Skateboard.

Do you mean skateboard?

- Yeah, yeah. Skateboard. Really. - You any good?

Will be.

So you do laugh.

But you don't do it until page 43?

And it wasn't even a big laugh.

That was more of a loud nose breath. An exhale.

Hey, Trent.

Look, I know folks are divided on the actual police these days,

but all human beings are opposed to the laugh police.

Yeah. Mmm, yeah. Yes, sorry, sorry.

Um, yeah.

I just want you to like it.

I'll leave you be.

- Good night, Trent. - Good night.

_

Worth the wait.

Whatever happens on Sunday, I want you to know I'm proud of you.

All the work you've put in this year.

Yeah, uh... Yeah, thanks.

And, um...

Thank you for your help too, you know.

For... For motivating me, encouraging me.

I haven't really had that from the older men in me life.

Real talk, man. Thank you.

And look, I know you've got a lot of feelings for Keeley.

I just hope none of that shit ever gets in the way of our friendship.

Yeah. No, yeah, me too, yeah.

Good.

That's good.

'Cause me and Keeley started talking again.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Just easing into it.

But she is a woman, so you never know, right?

Hmm.

It's nothing official between the two of you?

Well...

No, but it's happening.

I wanted you to know 'cause I don't want you to get hurt, so...

I think it's best if you just step aside.

No.

What the fuck do you mean, "no"?

I mean, if the two of you ain't official, then I ain't steppin' aside.

- Why not? - 'Cause I know

in my heart that me and Keeley are meant to be together.

Fuck off. You're a child.

You fuck off. You're a hairy old prune.

Don't forget, I was with her first.

Yeah, well, I was with her last.

It's been a year, mate.

It's been a month, mate.

That video of her that got leaked, she made that for me.

I'm ready to talk about it now.

I've decided to sell the club.

If you go, I go.

Hmm.

There is another option.

We both stay.

I respect that you need to go home to your son, Ted.

But I just want you to consider the possibility that this is your home.

Henry can...

come and live here and go to one of the best schools in the world

and enjoy the life-changing experience of being in another country.

Michelle can come here and teach,

get fully qualified and go home as a department head.

Higgins has said, if I sell 49% of the team,

I can afford to make you one of the highest-paid coaches in the league.

I know people will say I'm crazy, but...

I still think I'd be underpaying you for what you mean to this club.

Would you please stay?

This is the part when you say you need to sleep on it and I say,

"Oh, yes, of course."

And then we do exactly the same thing tomorrow.

You already know your answer, don't you?

- I do, yeah. - I know.

I just had to try.

Right.

Well, that's settled then.

Both go.

You know, I was thinking I should travel abroad.

Mmm.

Eat, Pray, Love style, right?

Well, more like Drink, Sleep, Fuck.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Fucking hell.

He's fine.

All right. You gonna tell me what happened?

Did you stop a mugging?

Rescue some puppies from a burning building?

Do you wanna?

After you.

- We got in a fight about you. - You what?

We got in a fistfight...

over who gets to be with you.

We just thought, "What are we, Neanderthals?"

Yeah, and we're not.

So we came up with a better idea.

Please don't say it.

You should just pick.

You pick which one of us you want to end up with.

And then, that's that.

- Bish-bash-bosh. - Bob's your uncle.

So, I get to choose?

- Yeah. - Pretty much.

- We're fucking idiots. - Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Are you hungry?

Well, you're still in training,

but you can watch me eat a kebab.

I'm having chicken.

- Hey. - Oh, my fucking God!

Whoa. I'm sorry about that.

I... I was trying to come in soft like a human cotton ball.

No. God, no, I'm sorry. I'm here late.

Oh, it's all right.

Yeah.

Listen, Ted...

I know. It's okay.

No, please, please. Can you just let me say it?

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, buddy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know what's funny?

You only ripped it up once.

I tore that sucker down and ripped it up two times.

Did you really?

Yeah.

So you were already in the clear, you know?

Okay.

Okay.

But I'll tell ya,

when I look up there...

I still see it.

Is that weird?

No, no, no, that's... that's lovely.

Good night, Nate.

Good night, Ted.

AFC Richmond was founded in 1897,

and since then, the team have been a picture of mediocrity.

They've been up. They've been down. Mostly down.

And in the club's history,

they've never come close to what they could achieve today:

a Premier League title.

Fate is not entirely in their hands.

Their adversaries in Manchester have the final say.

But the Richmond faithful are here

to applaud their team for what they've already accomplished

and see if the miraculous season...

- AFC Richmond. - ... can become transcendent.

Hello. There should be a ticket waiting for me under the name...

"Wynonna Judd."

Thanks.

Thank you.

- You see the way that guy stared at me? - Absolute psychopath.

We feeling good, lads? Feeling good?

- I think we're gonna win it. - Me too.

Then what?

Richmond win the League, what do we have left to strive for?

To dream for?

Making a real connection with someone and starting a family?

Mmm. Yeah.

- Boring. - Yeah.

... a humiliating relegation.

It has really been a mad season, Arlo.

I'm actually nervous. Are you nervous?

Nah, Dad's got this.

All right, all right.

Who's ready to spend the next two hours

of their lives watching this game

until it eventually ends up in an exciting 0-0 tie?

Not long ago, Lasso was looking up

from the doghouse of the Dogtrack.

Now he's looking down from the highest heights of English football.

It don't make sense!

Two years ago, we played so bad,

we had to drop down from the Premier League

to a lower league that was called...

The Championship.

See, that don't make sense.

Now, this year we played so well,

we qualified to get into another league

- and that one's called... - The Champions League.

Entirely different league, pretty much the same name though.

That don't make sense.

And now y'all are tellin' me that to get into the "Champions League,"

you can finish as low as...

Fourth place.

That don't make no sense. Why?

Money.

Okay, see, now that makes sense.

- Okay. That's it. - Thank you.

Hey.

- Hey, what's up, Nate? - Hi. Yeah, sorry.

I'm sorry to interrupt and all that.

I just wanted to, uh... to wish you all, uh, good luck.

To wish you two good luck, uh, for the last time.

Last time this season. It's not the last time you ever have good luck.

No need for it to become a cautionary tale.

I'm not trying to cast a spell or anything.

Yeah, no. I... I get it, Nate. Thank you.

Thanks, man.

Thank you. Well...

Well, this feels familiar.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, why don't I, um, step out and let you guys have a proper reunion?

Ah, da-da-da-da. You stay put, Trenthouse Magazine.

You're part of the squad now.

Oh.

- Yep. You're stuck with us, buddy. - Thank you.

Can I be a Diamond Dog?

Okay, hold on one second here. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Hmm. - What the fuck are you doing?

Uh, I assume we're all looking for cameras

'cause we think we're on a prank show.

- Yeah, that's where I'm at. - Yeah.

I'm not fucking around here.

Okay. Diamond Dogs, mount up. Let's go.

Uh, okay. Mr. Roy Kent.

Uh, you know, um, bark away. Please.

For the past year,

I've busted my fucking ass trying to change.

But apparently, I haven't done fucking shit 'cause...

I'm still me.

Uh, wait. Did... Did you wanna be someone else?

Yeah.

Someone better.

Can people change?

Uh...

I don't think we change per se,

as much as we just...

learn to accept who we've always been, you know?

Hmm.

Oh, no. I... I think people can change.

They can.

You know, sometimes for the worse and sometimes for the better.

Not me.

I'm still the same fucking idiot I've always been.

Mmm. Agree to disagree, big guy.

I mean, come on, man.

You just piped up out of nowhere and

finally asked to become a Diamond Dog.

Pretty big change, if you ask me. Right, fellas?

- Yep. - Mm-hmm.

Change isn't about trying to be perfect.

Perfection sucks. Perfect is boring.

I mean, except Shawshank. That's not boring.

- Yep. - Well, that's true.

Yeah. I mean, there are perfect films. Back to the Future.

- Jaws. - Jaws. Yeah.

- I would say Trent's hair is perfect. - Oh, God, yeah.

- Oh. Thank you. - Not at all boring.

Sure. You know, attributes. Grace Kelly's eyes.

- The other side of the pillow. - That is absolutely perfect.

There are perfect analogies.

- Jacket potato, cheese and beans. - That sounds perfectly yummy. Yeah.

Perfect foods. Spaghetti Bolognese.

- Billy Joel's The Stranger album. - Yep, no, that's perfect.

Yes! There are perfect works of art.

There... Perfection is all around us, everywhere we look.

The mighty redwood.

But I was talking about perfection in people.

- Oh, sure, sure. Yeah. No, I get you. - Oh, right. Sure, sure.

Human beings are never gonna be perfect, Roy.

The best we can do is to keep asking

for help and accepting it when you can.

And if you keep on doing that, you'll always be moving towards better.

Add that right there to our list of perfect stuff.

Hmm.

- Ding, ding, ding. - All right.

Thank you.

Anyone else wanna go?

I've got a girlfriend.

Ooh.

Her name is Jade, and she actually is perfect.

- George. - Rupert.

You guys ready?

Don't you worry, I won't let you lose to your ex-wife.

I mean, your first ex-wife.

I... I mean, your previous, most recent ex-wi...

- You know what I mean. - Just beat them.

Win.

Yes, boss.

We have to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

Unsavory allegations of sexual impropriety

have Rupert Mannion on the brink of losing his club.

But the truth is, a win today puts

the Hammers into the Champions League,

a feather in Mannion's cap...

that could keep him in power a little bit longer.

Ah.

So, this is where they've been hiding all the beautiful people.

Ah. Hello, Rupert.

Oh. Rebecca.

- Hi, Sassy. - Hiya.

Aren't you the lucky man.

Whatever happens today, a team you love wins.

Heard the news. Ooh. Ouch.

Looks like you're gonna lose another team.

My God, you get through them like wives.

Or mistresses.

Or, I'm assuming, tubes of hemorrhoid cream.

But in all seriousness, I... I do wish you the best...

'cause you are the fucking worst.

Come on, Richmond!

- Yes! - Whoo! Yeah!

Oh, you're in good spirits, aren't you?

Um, anything behind that great mood?

Something that might affect where I'll work next year?

- After the match, Leslie. Hmm. - Right.

- Chill. - Chill. Okay.

Say, Barbara, you a football fan?

Um, I prefer rugby.

There's just more grown men

throwing other grown men into the air like children.

- And blood. - Yeah.

Uh, which is nice.

One more, boys. Come on. One more.

Guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Uh, we've just been sent a care package from Zava.

No. Thank you, but no.

I will not let him hurt me again.

- Ooh, it's T-shirts. - Can I have two, please?

Oh, oh. There's a card.

"My brothers."

"Good luck against West Ham.

Please enjoy the T-shirts and this avocado from my farm.

Never forget, I am always inside you. Zava."

What, he sent us one avocado?

Whoa!

That's a huge avocado.

Holy guacamole.

Show me that, bro.

Fucking hell.

Oh. Hey... Hey, Dani.

Van Damme. I also got you a gift,

as a way to say I am sorry for destroying your face.

How do I look?

Wonderful.

Van Damme. You look like a superhero.

Yeah? Yeah?

Merci, frère.

De nada, mi amigo.

Y'all ready? Okay? Okay.

All right, fellas. Hey, let's listen up.

Hey. Nice mask, Van Damme.

Oh. Thanks, Coach, but actually from now on you can call me Zorro.

- You got it, Zoreaux. - No, no, no, it's pronounced "Zorro."

Oh. Oh, 'cause of the mask.

I got you. Nice one. Okay.

Well, fellas, if you're looking for a pep talk from me, you're in trouble.

'Cause I'm like Michael Flatley at 11:59 p.m. on St. Patrick's Day,

I'm tapped out.

You know what I mean?

Luckily, though, I asked Coach Beard here

to make y'all a little something something to help

inspire and motivate y'all

for our final match together, all right?

- Coach, let her rip. - Gather up!

Oh!

Oh!

Come on, bro.

- The barber. - Okay.

Christmas!

We are going up. Yeah, we are going up.

We are going up. Yeah, we are going up.

- Whoo! - We are going up. Yeah, we are going up.

Oh, shit.

As a player, you know the match starts before the whistle.

During the lineups,

you need to show your opponent you're ready for the fight.

You've got the eye of the tiger.

Richmond appear to be crying, Chris.

Interesting strategy.

Did you ever cry before a game?

Only during and after. Never before.

Before the match is reserved for anxious vomiting.

I'm getting emotional myself. Chris, would you mind if I wept?

Not at all, Arlo. Would you mind if I vomited?

Think we might've blew it with the video, Coach.

Oh, I couldn't disagree more. Ain't that right, Roy?

You fucking smashed it.

We've played a quarter of an hour and remained deadlocked.

West Ham with a corner.

Oh, a lovely ball there.

Armando shoots...

but it's saved by Van Damme.

That's all right, that's all right.

I hear he wants to be called Zorro now.

Well, it's about time.

Richmond seem to have settled down.

They're on the attack, ticking along

with the precision of a Swiss clock,

with Jamie Tartt as its central cog.

Tiki-taka.

Tiki-fucking-tedious.

Trickery from Tartt. The outside of his boot to Rojas.

- So close. - Shit!

Shit.

Oh, shoot.

Well, something happened.

Jamie Tartt is going to carve

West Ham up if they keep letting him.

Come on, Richmond! Come on, Richmond!

Come on, Richmond! Come on, Richmond!

That's all right, fellas. Keep calm and get fired up.

Here we go, Greyhounds!

West Ham looking dangerous here, Arlo.

- And Quizet scores... - No!

- ... past a diving Zorro. - Goddamn it!

It's okay. It's okay.

- Come on, Richmond! - Richmond!

Come on, Richmond!

Bad moment for the keeper, but that mask is cool as hell.

He's got that going for him, Chris.

That's okay, fellas. Let's go!

West Ham are gaining ground. Richmond are playing in reverse.

Come on, boys!

Hey, Nate.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, is that what I think it is?

Yep. Man City just scored.

In Manchester, City have taken the lead against Liverpool.

It's okay. All right. Okay.

Here in West London, the Hammers are on the attack.

Richmond absolutely cannot concede here, Arlo.

- And they've conceded! - No!

West Ham extend their lead.

Richmond's dreams are in tatters.

Shit! Don't say "shit."

And at the half, it's West Ham 2, Richmond's title hopes 0.

Chris Powell, how would you sum up the first half?

Richmond's Cinderella story seems

to be turning into a big, fat pumpkin.

- Just go. - All right.

Shut your butts and sit your mouths down!

You know what I meant.

Thanks, Coach.

Well, fellas, we got our work cut out for us in the second half.

But you know, I'll get to all that in a minute.

No, uh, right now, all I wanna do is let you gentlemen know

what an absolute honor it's been to be your coach.

Getting to work with y'all these last three years

has truly been one of the greatest experiences of my life.

I've loved getting to know each and every single one of you.

Learning all about the men you were

and getting a front-row seat to see the men you all have become.

A-And I wanna thank you for your patience with me.

You know, when I showed up here, I didn't know one thing about soccer.

But now...

Well, now I know at least one thing about football.

I'm just so gosh damn proud to be a part of this team. You know?

And I love you guys.

I'm gonna miss y'all.

Now, regarding this second half...

Yeah, I don't know what's gonna happen.

You know what I mean?

No one does.

Sports would be a lot less fun if we did. You know?

And you all would probably make a lot less money, so... You know?

We don't wanna know the future. No, no, we wanna be here right now.

And look, I-I know we're down a couple goals.

But I'm telling you, man,

if y'all play hard, play smart, play together and just, you know...

Just do what y'all do,

and we'll go out with the peace of mind knowing we did our best. Right?

- That we tried. Yeah? - Yes, Coach.

Hmm. All right.

Anybody else have something to say?

- Coach. - Yeah, Sam, what you got?

Yeah, let's go. Let's do it.

That's my bit. I know where that went.

This one goes here.

- Hold on. No, no. - Just right there.

- There you go. - Ah.

And there it is. Number four. Yeah?

All right, let's bring it in.

I know folks like to say, "There's no place like home."

That's true. You know.

Mm-hmm.

Man, there ain't a whole lot of places like AFC Richmond either.

Mmm.

Captain?

- Richmond on three. One, two, three... - Richmond!

_

The Greyhounds have come out for the second half

looking like the team we've seen win 16 matches in a row.

Playing a style of football that is as fun to watch

as it is to play.

Well, it makes me wish I was down there right now, Arlo.

Not playing, because I'm old and likely to get hurt.

Audacious from Tartt.

Rojas cuts inside. He shoots!

Off the post!

Obisanya...

- off the woodwork again! - Oh!

No, no, no!

Hughes!

Another miss!

And Tartt finally puts it away

in the 51st minute, and Richmond have a lifeline!

Yes! Get in!

Yeah, Jamie Tartt!

The entire front four were involved.

- And Tartt put it home. - ♪ Jamie Tartt, dun-dun-du-dun-un ♪

This feels like trouble for West Ham, Arlo.

The one thing they cannot afford to do is let Jamie Tartt get going.

For fuck's sake, George, do something. Mark him.

Get in there.

And here come Richmond again!

Tartt loses his marker.

Referee!

And it's a penalty!

Richmond have been relentless this half.

Now, Tartt wins them a chance to equalize.

Okay. Here we go. Here we go.

That was professional from Tartt.

Not quite a dive, but not much of a foul either.

Yes, Jamie Tartt, you fucking genius!

Hey.

Knock it in, muchacho.

Sure.

Crush it, Capitan.

What the fuck, bruv?

Okay.

Just take it, mate.

- Bruv. - It'll be fun.

El Isaac.

Is McAdoo stepping up?

- Oh, shit. - Wait, what?

McAdoo to take the penalty?

I wouldn't trust him to take an aspirin.

Isaac McAdoo has never taken a penalty

in his entire career.

- This is madness from 18 yards. - Come on, man. You got this, bro.

- Let's go! - Shit.

Okay, gents, outside the area, please.

It's like he's shooting a free throw with his feet.

Shh!

This is McAdoo's moment. If he scores here, the comeback is on.

Oh, it's gone over the bar and into the stands!

Hang on a second.

Mike Dean wants a closer look at something.

- What? - Wait.

Mike Dean's calling it a goal.

- How is it possible? - What?

Did McAdoo just hit the ball

- through the bloody net? - Oh, fuck!

I think he did, Chris.

We've never seen anything like this,

and the score is 2-2.

- 2-2. - Whoo!

West Ham are furious. And you can't really blame them.

This is unprecedented.

What just happened?

We need to take another look at that penalty, Arlo.

A-And look, he cannons the ball through the net! And...

Oh, goodness me. I hope that fan's okay.

Come on, Richmond!

- Oh! That is a lot of blood. - Oh, my God. It's him.

Yes! Whoo! Whoo!

Finally. Whoo!

And as a result of McAdoo's superhuman foot,

we'll have a bit of a stoppage as the

grounds crew race to replace the net.

Where's he going?

Huddle. Huddle. Come on.

Hang on, Rupert Mannion is out on

the pitch and he's headed to the dugout!

- ... going right on the... - Oi.

- What are you doing? - What the fuck are you doing?

W-What are you talking about?

Tartt is out there doing whatever he fucking wants.

Yeah. But I've got two players on him already.

Take him out.

- Are you joking? - Get rid of him.

This is remarkable. Rupert Mannion remonstrating

with his own manager on the pitch.

- You don't see this very often. - What's he doing?

Well, not since the invention of telephones at least.

- I'm not playing the game like that. - You do what I say or you are done.

Fuck off.

Oh, dear.

Ugly scenes at Nelson Road.

Rupert Mannion's nuts.

- And George Cartrick's. - Damn it, Chris.

Oi, ref, there's three balls on the field!

What?

Get up.

Get up!

Okay, gents. Let's go, please. We're back.

George. Put 'em away.

Oh, yeah.

Right. Come on, lads. Get out there.

Come on! You can take these. You've got more heart.

That's what I wanna see. More passion.

O'Neill, keep the midfield tight. Come on!

Hearts of lions, lads!

Hearts of lions!

Wanker!

- Wanker! - Wanker! Wanker!

Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

Wanker!

Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

And the game goes on.

Presumably without Rupert Mannion.

Ever since the match resumed,

West Ham have had all the momentum.

They're pinging this around, and

Richmond can't get the ball off them.

A lob into the box.

Zoreaux knocks it.

Oh, no.

The Hammers pounce. Back into the mixer.

And it's 3-2!

Heaven for the Hammers. Heartbreak for the home side.

What the fuck are you laughing at?

- Fourteen was offside. - What?

Mmm.

VAR are checking the replay.

Offside.

- The goal's been disallowed. - Boom.

A stay of execution for Richmond

as West Ham are called for offside.

Oh, thank you.

Huh.

- It's not counterfeit. - Not a reflection on you.

One minute of added time remaining in Richmond's miracle season.

Come on. Put your foot in.

The Greyhounds are running out of time and ideas.

- Come on. - Do they have one miracle left?

Tartt, completely boxed in.

He finds Montlaur bearing down on goal.

Montlaur is brought down.

And Richmond have a free kick in a dangerous position.

Come on.

- Come on. - Come on.

This could be useful. What can Richmond order up here?

- Okay. Come on. Talk to me, geese. - Uh, Lasso Special.

We're too close for that. Uh, Loki's Toboggan?

That's a long-ass toboggan ride. Uh, Upside-Down Taxicab.

- It's tough without Cockburn. - Wait. Hold on.

Hey, Nate. Nate, come here. Come on. Hurry up. Come on.

- Yeah, of course. - Hey, fellas! Hey!

I don't know what...

Time is running out. What can the Greyhounds conjure here?

Oh. Here, hold that.

It's an Oscar!

It's heavy. It's a little heavy. There you go. Yeah.

- Or the ESPY. - Oh.

All right. Here we go. Give me that. Okay.

- You know what you're doing? - Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah. - I'm good. Yeah, yeah.

It all comes down to this.

Obisanya lays it off to Dixon.

Come on, come on. Come on.

Dixon switches the play to Bumbercatch.

Tartt makes his run into the box.

Yeah, yeah! Pass me the ball. Me, me, me! I want the ball!

Pass me the ball, please.

Obisanya's unmarked.

A beautiful ball in.

Barbecue sauce.

Richmond have done it! Oh, my God, the Greyhounds have done it!

- Oh! - Yeah! Go, Dad!

Yes! Yeah!

Nelson Road is in rapture!

- You used my play! You used my play! - Yeah, I did! Yeah!

Come on. Bring it... Bring it... Bring.

Mike Dean blows for full time.

Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you, good game.

And the fans are storming onto the pitch!

And you simply cannot blame them!

We won.

Come on.

Look what you did, Rebecca!

- Go, Richmond! - Look what you did!

- I didn't do it. - Yes, you fucking did!

There's a fun sight.

Ted Lasso celebrating with his team.

I never know how to react when a white guy

does the running man in front of everyone.

Well, what a game, Arlo.

Well, Richmond have done all they can,

so it's time to head over to the Etihad Stadium

to see the fate of the Premier League title.

_

_

- Ready? - Just these two, please.

- ... flight 822 to Kansas City. - Sure.

All right.

- Thank you. - Appreciate you.

- Whoa! Are you Ted Lasso? - Yeah. I'm one of them.

Oh, mate, sucks about Richmond coming in second.

- Uh, Man City are just too good, yeah. - Hmm. Yeah.

- Are you heading home for a cheeky visit? - I'm heading home for good, actually.

That's stupid. Should have stayed, crushed it. Legend.

Just a bit unlucky at the end.

- Can I get an ussie? - Yeah, sure.

Sick.

- Wicked. - Kinky Boots.

Now what the heck are you doing here?

I just bought a ticket to get through security

so I could come and say a proper goodbye.

Ah. Classic rom-com leave-cute tactic.

- Hmm. - Love it. Okay.

Hold on. You bought yourself a first-class ticket

- for a flight you ain't ever gonna take? - It was just force of habit.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Uh, I see you're sticking around though, huh?

Well, Ted, you're going home to your family and...

I actually want to stay with mine.

Hmm.

It's a great picture, you know. Can't wait to read the article.

- It's not bad, actually. - Hmm.

I would have preferred if they hadn't

described me as the "club matriarch."

Mmm. Yeah.

I mean, it does have more gravitas than "soccer mom."

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Oh. I'm sorry. - Sorry. Oh. No, I'm sorry.

Please, you go first.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Okay.

- There you are. - Thank you.

Seat belt sign has now been illuminated,

so please take your seat.

The cabin door has been closed.

Flight attendants, please prepare for gate departure.

Coach, is this nuts?

Us leaving like this?

I mean, we almost won the whole frigging thing, you know?

Saying goodbye to a bunch of nice folks.

A-And I know I've finally accepted that air conditioning is a privilege

and not a right.

I don't know. What do you think?

I can't do this.

I don't wanna go, Ted. I'm in love with Jane.

I wanna stay, and I don't wanna let you down.

But with your permission, I'd love

to run off this plane and into her arms.

Well, I mean, what about your luggage?

- Forget my luggage. It's full of rice. - What? Why?

- I haven't slept for three days, man. - Okay. I'm sorry, you know.

I've been dreading this. Talking to you. Abandoning you.

What? No, no, no, hold on, Coach. You ain't abandoning me, okay?

You're just following your heart. I get it.

And, yeah, you should go.

But look, man, I don't think they're gonna let you off this plane

with that door already shut.

I have a plan.

Of course you do. Okay. What do you need me to do?

Whatever's about to happen, that's a great start.

I love you, Ted.

I love you too, Willis.

- Oh, boy. - My appendix!

- The other side, Coach. - Thank you.

Oh, my God. Are you all right, sir?

Call the medics.

Would you like to go to the hospital with your friend?

Nah. I'm okay. Thanks though.

What a fucking arsehole.

Flight attendants cross-check. Please prepare for departure.

Oh, God!

Little love, are you all right?

I... It's you.

Wie is dat, Papa?

Um... Uh...

Rebecca.

Rebecca.

_

Hmm.

_

We've got to put this one this way.

Please welcome the new manager of AFC Richmond, Roy Kent!

Oh, hello!

Hi!

Nice to see you.

- Thank you. - Cheers.

- Your name? - Shannon.

- I have something to show you. - Hmm.

_

Go down a little. And by little, I actually mean,

- like, three inches. - Yeah. Yeah.

Stop.

- Good going there, Roy. - All right, bring me down.

Isn't it marvelous that we can gather here

on this most historical of monuments

under the gaze of his good Lordship?

Friends and family sharing the love that is entwined

for Beard and Jane.

And not just Beard and Jane,

for Jane beareth one of God's newest children.

And I know...

This is your captain. Welcome to

Kansas City International Airport.

He's here! Dad's here! Come on!

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

Hey.

Yep. Thank you.

Come on, man. Talk to me. How are you doing?

- Good. - Yeah?

- Mm-hmm. - What's new?

All right. Good save. Let's go. Come on. Let's attack.

Find some space, Henry. There you go.

Come on, Henry!

All right. Let it rip.

Oh!

- All right, that's okay. - Shoot.

Hey, Henry. Come here, man.

- Hey, you okay? - Can't believe I missed that.

Hey. Don't worry about all that, okay? What do we say, huh?

Be a goldfish.

That's right.

All right. Now, come on now. Get on out there.

- Have some fun, yeah? Attaboy. - Okay, yeah.

Come on, boys. Good job, Henry.

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com -