Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

ZACH: "Madison, Delaware," wow

Mom, are you positive there weren't any other places.

- . looking for vice principals? - Like where?

- Guantanamo Bay? - Ooh, too hot.

- North Korea? - No. They didn't call me back

Detroit?

This is it

Come on, come on

Look A yard You'd never get this in New York

You don't have to sell me on this place

- I'm staying because I love you - Aw, I love you too

And I looked into it

Legally, I can't live on my own until I'm 18

[♪♪♪]

Look at this kitchen It's bigger than our apartment.

We don't cook.

Well, look at all of this counter space to put the takeout on. Whooh

Do you hear that?

- No, I don't hear anything - Exactly

WOMAN: Live from New York, it's my sister Gale

With special guest, my nephew Zach.

- Get in here with a hug - Heh, hey Oh

- It's an SNL reference - Yeah

- You lived in New York - Yeah

- Oh, my goodness. Look at you - Ha-ha-ha

You're not in any color.

- Hey. - We should change that

- Oh, my God. It's good to see you - Wow, you too.

Okay Let me take him in

Oh, my gosh He gets more handsome every time I see him

- So good-looking - Thank you, Aunt Lorraine

He's just a beautiful boy.

Thank God, because you were such an ugly baby

- There it is. - What? It's fine. He's handsome now

It's not like he's gonna go ugly, handsome and then back to ugly

No. The danger's passed Heh, heh Oh, I almost forgot

I got a present for you because I'm a cool aunt

This is from my new signature men's line

GALE: Ooh. - Check it out

- Awesome - It's limited edition.

. so you're not gonna see a lot of men wearing that hat

Yeah, I can't imagine anyone would be wearing it.

- It's so limited edition. - Try it on Make sure it fits.

- Try it on right now? Okay LORRAINE: Take her for a spin

Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.

BOTH: Aww..

- Oh, yes Look at that - I mean, come on That is it.

Okay

Um, I'm gonna go unload some boxes now and see you around.

Oh, honey Leave the hat on

- I don't want you to burn LORRAINE: Mm

- And you look good with it on - Thank you Cool

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

GIRL: Smooth

So you're the new neighbor?

Yeah Nice to meet you

How long was the drive from New York?

No, I can just tell by the pretty hat that you have

Oh, no This-- No

This is-- This is actually a gift from my aunt.

It's also a gift for me and everyone who gets to see you wearing it.

I'm Zach, by the way

- I'm Hannah MAN: Hannah

HANNAH: I gotta go

Good talk

Hi. Hey, we're just moving in

[♪♪♪]

Just-- Just me and my mom.

- This hat was a gift - You see that fence?

Do you see the fence?

- Uh, yes - Stay on your side of it

You stay away from my daughter, you stay away from me.

. and we won't have a problem

Well, just met our neighbor

He's a big teddy bear.

LORRAINE: Oh, Mr Shivers?

Yeah, he moved to town a few years ago

Very mysterious

Very sexy I love his scent

It's like mint and BO

- It works - Yeah Not my type

[GASPS]

GALE: I remember that day

Oh

[♪♪♪]

You okay, sweetheart?

Yeah Yeah Sorry. Um.

I'm gonna go get a head start decorating my room Knock it off my bucket list

How's he doing?

Oh, it's been hard

He's putting up a wall

Hopefully, a change of scenery will help

How are you doing?

Hopefully, a change of scenery will help

MAN [ON SCREEN]: All right, Zach. Let's see what you got.

Fastball.

Two's a curve.

Gotta get up. You gotta give me the sign.

There you go. Oh!

That's--

- Oh, see? Dad's not perfect. ZACH: No. Heh, heh.

DAD: Dad can get one drop.

All right. Read the signs.

It's all just to block.

Don't wanna jump up. That's how the fastballs get by.

All right. Get ready. Go fast now Okay?

Honey? You okay?

Um, yeah Just found some old baby pictures

I really did look like baby Gollum

GIRL: Yeah, yeah That's always the case, right?

BOY: Hey, Becca BECCA: Oh, hey

Yay! New friends, new friends, new friends

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you think you're doing?

I'm going to work Gonna do some educating

Some administrating

Cool Mom, I'm the new kid, which presents its own set of obstacles

Not sure walking in with the vice principal is the play

Just give me a 60-second head start so I at least have a chance

Deal You promise you'll give it a shot?

You know I can't promise you that

[LOCKS CLICK]

[THE BLUE VAN'S "RACKETEER" PLAYING]

[ZACH CLICKS TONGUE]

I promise All right?

And this door-locking thing. Come on, you're better than that

Sixty seconds start now, 60, 59, 58, 57, 56, 55, 54.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

PRINCIPAL: All right Let's find our seats, ladies and gentlemen

Find our seats quickly.

Let's find our seats

Mm-hm

- Okay Let's settle down - Um.

Okay Uh, sorry

- Excuse me Can we just--? Eeeh PRINCIPAL: Your friends will find you.

Okay, cool. Okay Unh.

So you're the new kid

- Oh, yeah. - Cool, cool Oh

- Hi, Taylor - Hi, Chump

- She just call you "Chump"? - Yes, indeed, she did

My real name is Champ, you know

But she's never talked to me before so we're making progress

PRINCIPAL: Three.

. two

. one

Settle down.

Good morning

I am so happy to introduce you to our new vice principal, Ms Cooper.

And I hope that you show her the same respect that you show me

[KID IMITATES BREAKING WIND]

KIDS: Ha-ha-ha. PRINCIPAL: Who did that?

Who did that?

Ms Cooper

I'm watching you

Hi, everyone

I know I speak for the entire administration.

. when I say that we are so excited for Friday's fall dance

We can't stop twerking about it

Oh, no, she didn't

- Aw, she's worse than the last one. - That's my mom

Oh, well, the last one was fantastic

I-- I'm kidding I don't even know what twerking is

- But I hear it's very popular. - So

. you taking anyone to the dance?

- No. - Yeah

I was thinking about flying solo too

Hey, we should go together

- "Together"? - Oh, not like "together" together

Dance together or anything Although that could work

You know, we get the crowd into it? And then go split off with different girls.

And as a final reminder, just be safe and have fun

[CHATTERING]

Take this. Shoot me a text or tweet me Has my contact info

My home address and locker number

- You know where to find me PRINCIPAL: Anyone.

- Thanks PRINCIPAL: Anyone is caught dancing.

. with their butt facing their partner, you will be sent home immediately

[KIDS JEERING]

Immediately.

[♪♪♪]

Hello?

Is someone there?

[TWIG SNAPS]

Did I scare you?

- Pfft, no - Really?

Because you jumped like 10 feet high, so

You know.

. I jump a lot It's how I stay in such great shape.

- That's good - I, um.

- Yeah, I didn't see you at school today - Aw, what, you were looking for me?

- No, no I just-- I just observed-- - No, I'm homeschooled

Oh, by your dad?

He seems.

. nice

And intense

- And a little tense - Don't take it personally

- He doesn't really like anyone. - Yeah

So, um.

So is there anything fun to do around here aside from scaring your neighbors?

- Okay There is one thing that I like to do - Yeah?

Come with me.

Uh.

[♪♪♪]

- Hey, where are we going? - Don't worry. It'll be fun

- You sure you know where you're going? - Yes, come on

This way

You taking me somewhere to kill me? Just curious

I'm playing it by ear

Hannah?

Yes, Zach, follow the stranger into the woods

[SQUAWKING]

Come on, scaredy-cat We're almost there

Okay Just a little further

Okay Just wait here

ZACH: Okay

Where exactly is here?

Watch this

[♪♪♪]

ZACH: Whoa

What do you think?

Uh.

It's not what I was expecting

So, what is this place?

Well, they built it years ago, but then they ran out of money.

Now it just sits here

Come on. This is my favorite part

[♪♪♪]

Wait What are you doing?

What are you afraid of? I do this all the time

I'm-- I'm not afraid I'm just not current with my tetanus shots

[SIGHS]

I hate the suburbs

HANNAH: Come on.

You can do it Just don't look down

ZACH: I know

- You're not gonna fall - I wasn't planning on it.

- There you go - H i.

H i.

All right

So I'm high off of the ground.

HANNAH: It's cool, right?

Yeah It's cool You can see everything from up here.

So

. why'd you move to Madison?

Well, my mom said to me:

"Zach, if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?"

And I said, "Can we please move to Madison, Delaware?

- That'd be my dream " - Are you always this sarcastic?

Always? No, that's a strong word Not always Usually.

I'm sorry It's just, um--

It's just been me and my mom since my dad died last year, so yeah

I'm sorry

I don't really think about it much anymore

What about you?

I never knew my mom, and we're always moving

. from one town to the next

That really sucks

It's fine

Hey.

Can I ask you something really serious, Hannah?

Yeah What?

- How do we get down? - Heh Heh.

- I'm serious Is there a plan? - No.

- How do you normally get down? - You can't You're stuck

[ZACH CHUCKLES]

HANNAH: Wow, I can't believe you ate that cotton candy

ZACH: And you know what's scary is it actually tasted kind of fine.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

So, uh.

. thanks for tonight That was

- . the least terrible time I've had here - Oh, Zach That's so sweet.

That's-- I-- Really

Okay

Hey, Hannah I'm.

I'm probably gonna take out the trash on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

So, you know, you feel like creeping up on someone.

. that works for me.

All right I'll keep that in mind, scaredy-cat

SHIVERS: Hannah

- What are you doing out here? - I'm so sorry

This is your last warning

You stay away from us, or something very bad will happen

I believe you

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

ZACH: "What is X?"

[YAWNS]

What is X?

HANNAH: Dad, it's not a big deal

SHIVERS: You have to understand--

HANNAH: I don't have to understand anything

We were just talking Why can't I have friends?

SHIVERS: You know why! HANNAH: That's not fair.

You can't lock me up

SHIVERS: You're never allowed to see that boy. You understand me? Ever!

HANNAH: Dad, please calm down

[OBJECT SHATTERS]

- Hannah HANNAH: No!

[GIRL SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

What?

- What? - I heard a scream. Is Hannah okay?

- There was no scream - What?

Get out of here, or the last scream you ever hear will be your own

No. Wait, wait--

Mom

- Hey, Mom Mom Mom - Oh, hey, sweetie

- Hey, how about quinoa for dinner? - Hannah's in trouble

Oh, who's Hannah?

[LINE RINGS]

MAN: Madison County 91 1.

Hi, yes Uh, I live on Monroe Um--

- Uh, it's an emergency, I think - Zach, what's going on?

ZACH: Yeah Maybe possibly a domestic disturbance I don't know

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

- You're under arrest - Oh Wup Wup, wup, wup

I love that enthusiasm I love that Keep it, but we're just not there yet

Hello, sir My name's Officer Stevens This is Training Officer Brooks

- Sorry about that - You don't need to be sorry.

- You're doing a great job BROOKS: Really?

STEVENS: You're doing fantastic.

We got a call about a possible 10-16 at your residence

Which is?

Um. Don't tell me.

It's a domestic disturbance

Absolutely right

- Really? STEVENS: Absolutely right

Strange because I've been here alone and I haven't heard a thing

No, no, he's lying.

Where's Hannah? I know it was her screaming.

Heh Okay, yes Hannah's my daughter, and she's been staying with me.

. for a while while her mother sorted a few things out.

- . with her new husband - Huh

She flew back to London yesterday morning

STEVENS: All right Well, that checks out

Apologies, sir Thank you for your time

We're sorry for the disturbance

[GIRL SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMS]

Surround sound

I didn't know being an audiophile was a crime

- Being a what? A what-a-phile? - Whoa, whoa.

Whoa That just means that he is a connoisseur

- . of high-end audio equipment BROOKS: Oh

Hi. I'm so sorry We haven't properly met

I'm Gale Cooper, your new neighbor. It's a beautiful home you have

Pleasure's mine

Thank you so much for stopping by and bringing your.

. delightful son and the police

Again, I'm so sorry

STEVENS: Apologies for this, sir

We hate coming into the home of an upstanding citizen

BROOKS: Really sorry I mean, obviously, you're not doing anything

STEVENS: If you would like to press charges against the boy

. we would love to help you.

- Hannah! Hannah! - Whoa!

- Hannah! - No. Hold on, big guy

- No, just look upstairs Trust me BROOKS: Should I tase him?

- I'll tase him - I like that moxie, but we'll hold off

Have any idea what the penalty is for filing a false police report?

- Three years - Close It's actually a written warning

Hold on Mom, tell me you don't believe him

- Surround sound? Seriously? - Zach, enough

Go home

- Oh, officers I'm so sorry STEVENS: It's all right, ma'am

We should recommend a good treatment center for your son

- Yeah That kid's on drugs - That kid is on drugs

Good night

Gale

- It's Lorraine - I can see you

It's your sister

- Hi. Thanks for coming - H i.

I have to chaperone the dance at the high school.

- I don't wanna leave Zach alone tonight - Gale

He's a teenage boy having a hard time adjusting

You know what he needs? A night in with his aunt, BeDazzling Duh

- Thanks I hate fighting with him. - I know

- It'll get better Just give it some time. - Okay

All right Kit coming through, and don't worry.

It's gonna be all about Zach tonight

Zach!

So we went out to sushi on Wednesday

And we both ordered the chicken teriyaki, which is like, "It's fate."

And then I haven't heard from him since, which is a bummer because I liked him

He didn't laugh at any of my jokes, but I felt like there was something there.

I don't know. Not like I even care

It's like, whatever. I should listen to my psychic

She says, "Stop dating losers, and never go on a plane "

I knew it

Oh, so you think he's playing hard to get?

Or the more likely scenario:

He lost his phone in, like, a fire.

- Yeah, I think he lost his phone - Yeah I do too

You know, I-- I totally forgot

I have a huge test on Monday that I gotta study for

So I'm just gonna do that all night, and definitely don't come in my room

Oh, okay

- Yeah See you - Night, sweetie

But you know what, I'm just gonna call him Now I'm worried he's dead

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

ZACH: Hey, hey, hey

Over here

Wait So how is this gonna work? Are you my wingman, or am I yours?

- You're wearing that? - Gotta tell you something Get down

Dude, no. This is a new suit, all right? Get off.

- Where are the girls? - Uh, yeah I just said that to get you here.

I need your help.

So there are no girls?

Well, there is one girl

- Oh! My man! - Shh!

What? What?

But she's locked in this house, and her dad's a psychopath

Does she have a friend?

No. I'm serious

[SIGHS]

You said there was gonna be girls, and not only are there no girls

. there's a psychopath, and I'm in a suit How do you know he's gonna leave?

I called and pretended to be the cops I asked him to come to the station

- You can get in big trouble - Just a written warning.

Dude It's wet dirt, dude My pants are gonna get muddied

ZACH: He's right there

[♪♪♪]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Whoa

All right Let's go

- Come on. Dude - Okay, okay Ooph!

- My dry-cleaning bill will be ridiculous - Come on.

Whoa Where'd you learn that, New York?

- No, YouTube - Oh

[CREAKING]

- Okay, stay here and watch the driveway. - Wait here by myself?

- Out in the dark? - Yes, Champ You're the lookout

If Shivers comes back, just give me a sign like:

[IMITATES OWL HOOTING]

Okay, just so we're clear

. if I sense any danger, I will run the other way

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTS]

[CLOCK CLANGS AND CUCKOOS]

Where am I?

[♪♪♪]

[ZACH YELLS]

You're supposed to be the lookout.

And that's not gonna change I'll just be the lookout in here

No, no, by definition you have to be somewhere out, looking

Let me explain something You know how they say teenagers have no fear of death?

That they're never gonna get hurt? Not me, okay?

I was born with the gift of fear I remember being 4.

. on a swing thinking, "This is how it ends "

You're not gonna die At least not today

- Okay? It's gonna be okay - Yeah, you're right

- Okay - I'm being ridiculous

Oh, bear traps

Who puts bear traps in their basement? I mean, seriously

[CREAKING]

Let's go

What? Let's go outside where it's safe. Where there's no bear traps

[CHAMP PANTING]

[GRUNTS AND THEN COUGHS]

I think I swallowed some web

[RUMBLING]

Dude, this way.

Come on. Come on.

[RUMBLING]

- Up there - Oh

[RUMBLING]

It's coming from that room

[WHISPERS] Hannah?

[♪♪♪]

[RUMBLING]

[RUMBLING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That's weird

It's like the noise is coming from this bookcase

Well, it's an old house

[CLICKING]

Whoa Check this out.

The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight.

The Ghost Next Door, Night of the Living Dummy.

These are all Goosebumps manuscripts.

What's he doing with a bunch of kids' books?

These aren't kids' books Okay?

Kids' books help you fall asleep These books keep you up all night

"R.L. Stine " What ever happened to that guy?

Uh, who knows? He disappeared Does it matter? Let's go

The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena.

My grandma lives in Pasadena I stopped visiting after reading this

Okay

- We're not here for book club - I know, but why are these books locked?

I mean, who would lock a book?

Maybe there's like, a key or something we can unlock it with

Okay, if it really matters that much, look at this All right?

Mystery solved

Now let's get back to why-- Look out!

Zach?

Hey, Hannah

What are you doing in my house?

- I thought you were chained up, possibly - Why would you think that?

Because I heard you scream, and then I called the police

- Okay, both of you need to go right now. - Yes Okay

One second

Hi. Hi, I'm Champ Nice to meet you

Hey, we're going to the semiformal later tonight

. and, uh, I don't know, you should come and invite a friend.

- I really don't care what she looks like - Did you unlock a book?

Yeah, I did I'm sorry It's around here somewhere

I just dropped it. I'll put it back and we'll be out of your hair

- Look Here it is-- - No. Don't open it

[ZACH & CHAMP GASP]

No!

[♪♪♪]

[GROWLING]

[ROARS]

[SNOWMAN ROARS AND CHAMP WHIMPERS]

[GRUNTING AND SNIFFING]

- [WHISPERS] What's going on? - [WHISPERS] Nobody make a sound

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] My dad's gonna kill me

Wait Zach

Zach

[♪♪♪]

[DOGS BARKING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Wait, Hannah.

- Hannah Hannah, wait - Go home You're in over your head

- You wanna tell me what's going on? - No, I can't explain I have to go.

Zach, wait. Wait Come on Listen.

- Stop Stop Stop - Dude, what are you doing?

- Dude Dude, get off me - Listen very carefully

That's the Abominable Snowman

You don't get that nickname by accident And it crawled out of a book

- That doesn't just happen, Zach - I'm going after Hannah.

Look, I read what it did to Pasadena It's no joke, man

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

She went in there

Yeah She's not the only one who went in there.

Dude, we should call the cops.

Have you met the cops in this town?

Fair enough

Do you see the scratches on that wall?

Yes

Just making sure

[CHAMP SCREAMS IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE]

- Oh! - Is that your scream?

Don't judge me

Over here This way

[♪♪♪]

CHAMP: What is she gonna do, read it a story?

Hannah? What is happening?

- How did that pop out of a book? - [WHISPERING] Shh It's here.

- Hey, we should get a gun. - Are you kidding? We need a tank

Wait He's made out of snow

- Flamethrower - Bag of salt.

- Flamethrower - Quiet

He can't be killed

It's candy

[♪♪♪]

Look out!

[YELLING]

[ROARS]

[GRUNTING]

Come on. It's distracted

- Hannah, come on Let's go - What are you doing? Get off No Stop it

The only way to stop them is to suck them back into the book

CHAMP: Drop the book Let it suck itself back in

No, I'm not close enough

[GROWLING]

- What are you doing? Open the book - Just wait

ZACH: Hannah, open the book HANNAH: Not yet

ZACH & CHAMP: Hannah! - Now!

- The book - Hannah, what are you doing?

Hannah

[SNARLING]

[SHRIEKS]

- No. - No.

Don't let it get the book

- Are you okay? - Yeah

- Come on, let's go! - Come on. Come on.

Over here Come on

- Come on. ZACH: Good idea Punch it

- Bad idea Bad idea Get off that thing - Aah!

[ROARING]

[♪♪♪]

ZACH: Run

Hurry, this way Guys, come on In here

Guys, come on Hurry!

[♪♪♪]

Yes

[SNARLS]

[SNARLING]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[HANNAH SHRIEKING]

[GRUNTING AND WHIMPERING]

All of you in the car, now!

CHAMP: What are you gonna do to us? SHIVERS: Silence

- We can't even ask questions--? - Shut up

They were trying to help

I told you to stay away, or something bad would happen.

That's the problem with kids today They don't listen

You had to pick Abominable Snowman of Pasadena

You couldn't have picked Little Shop of Hamsters

- You're him, aren't you? SHIVERS: Hm?

You're R.L Stine

SHIVERS: R L who? I don't know who that is

ZACH: Oh, really?

Well, just as well, because his books suck

- What are you doing? - I can't decide.

. which one I hate more, Monster Blood or Go Eat Worms!

CHAMP: I'm so confused.

You see the endings coming from a mile away. It's like.

. stop trying to be Stephen King, man

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Let me tell you about Steve King

Steve King wishes he could write like me, and I've sold way more books than him

- But nobody ever talks about that! - Okay

Way more books!

HANNAH: Dad. - Aah!

. your face is doing the red thing again

No way

Wait, you're R L Stine? That's you?

Really? Really? Hey, can I get a picture real quick?

- No. No - Come on. Come on.

- The answer's "yes." - I said no

What? I-- No! Get that thing out of here

I'm sorry I just wanted a photo real quick for my Instagram

Oh, is that all? Let me see.

- Oh, yeah. Here you go - Thank you

[♪♪♪]

Hey, what happens now?

Go home, put on your p j 's, get your blankie, you go nap-nap.

In the morning, this will feel like a bad dream

- Dad, wait - There's no time Start packing

We're moving again.

So, what do you wanna do now?

Zach, dude

HANNAH: But I don't wanna leave I like it here

STINE: Hannah, you have to understand

HANNAH: I don't have to understand anything

Why can't we be normal for once?

Because we're not a normal family Now go get your things

I'm so over this

Oh! Teenagers!

[YELLS]

I could've killed you.

- That was a terrible throw - How?

What are you doing here? Go home.

No, no Not until you explain what's going on

No, no, no I can't explain it

We were almost just eaten by Frosty the Snowman.

. which should be impossible, so try

Okay, look.

[SIGHS]

Where do I begin?

When I was younger, I suffered from terrible allergies that kept me indoors

And all the kids threw rocks at my window and called me names

So I created my own friends

Monsters, demons, ghouls.

. to terrorize my neighborhood and all the kids that made fun of me

And they became real to me

And then one day

. they actually

. became.

. real

My monsters literally leapt off the page.

As long as the books remain locked, we're safe

. but when they open.

. well, you've just seen what happens

I'm allergic to dust mites

What's your point?

I'm just saying, I have allergies too so I understand

Why am I talking to you? Hannah, let's go

- Hannah - Sorry

Let's go

Hannah, you grab A to M, I'll get M to zed

And keep the man-eating plant away from the bug-eyed aliens.

Oh, no Not him

MALE VOICE: Hello, Papa

[♪♪♪]

How long's it been?

Feels like forever

Who are your new friends?

- We're not - Barely know him

Slappy, it's so nice to see you again.

- Did you miss me? - Of course I missed you

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[ZACH & HANNAH GASP]

So, what's the plan, friend?

You must've brought me out for something fun

Terrorize the locals? Destroy the town?

Let's get silly

You guessed it, Slappy I'm going to destroy Madison, and I--

And I couldn't do it without you.

Aw, shucks You're giving me-- Oh, what's the word?

Goosebumps

[LAUGHS]

- Oh, my God. He's so creepy - Oh, he is such a crack-up

Such a clever dummy

Who are you calling "dummy," dummy?

You're trying to put me back in?

No, no, no Don't be silly

I know when you're lying to me, Papa.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

You've made Slappy very unhappy

He's not going back on the shelf ever again

Slappy, no, wait!

I think it's time I started pulling the strings in this relationship

Tonight is gonna be the best story you've ever written.

All of your children are coming out to play

[LAUGHING]

Oh, thank God he's gone

Oh, God

He's gone

And he's taken all the books

[♪♪♪]

[ENGINE REVS]

That one's a real page-turner.

[SLAPPY LAUGHING]

STINE: Congratulations. You've just released a demon

A ventriloquist dummy with a serious Napoleonic complex

For the record, I opened one book That was a mistake

HANNAH: Snowman must've knocked Slappy's book down

I still blame him. I don't like you, boy

[DOORKNOB CLICKING]

It's locked from the outside

[CLATTERING]

Out the kitchen door Go now

[GASPS]

[♪♪♪]

- Why is that here? - I don't know.

[BOTH YELL]

- H i. - Wee-hee!

[GNOMES LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]

Maybe they're friendly

Not friendly. Definitely not friendly

GNOME 1: Whooh.

[GNOMES LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]

[STINE YELLING]

STINE: He's stuck to my face Definitely not friendly

HANNAH: Dad! Aah!

Hold on I'll save you

I'm sorry I'm so sorry Are you okay?

CHAMP: Unh! GNOME 2: Ready, set, go

GNOME 3: No!

I'm sorry

Help me Oh, no, no, no. Help, someone

Get back Get back

[CHAMP SCREAMS]

[BLOWING]

Get back

GNOMES [IN UNISON]: Heave-ho Heave-ho

- Help me Help me Get them off HANNAH: Okay.

GNOMES: Heave-ho Heave-ho

STINE: Quickly.

HANNAH: Shut it Shut it

STINE: Did you get them all? GNOMES: Heave-ho Heave-ho

- Untie me CHAMP: I imagined something different

"Come over to my house. There will be girls I'm your wingman "

[GNOMES GRUNTING AND LAUGHING]

Oh, no, no, no.

We need to get to the basement.

- It's locked - I picked it.

STINE: That's breaking and entering

[♪♪♪]

Watch out for the bear traps

CHAMP: Why'd it have to be bear traps? ZACH: All right, come on Hurry.

[GNOMES GRUNTING]

STINE: Lock it. Lock it ZACH: Okay

Why couldn't you have written stories about rainbows and unicorns?

Because that doesn't sell 400 million copies

Whoa, domestic?

No, worldwide It's still very impressive Shut up

[♪♪♪]

HANNAH: What is that?

- He's burning the books - Why's he doing that?

So there's no way to get the monsters back inside

It's Slappy's revenge

Slappy's Revenge That's a good title.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[SLAPPY WHOOPING AND LAUGHING]

Sorry, folks I'd slow down, but I can't reach the brake.

Hey, check out my new best seller

It'll grow on you

Dropped calls are gonna be the least of this town's problems

[WOMAN SHRIEKS]

I'm driving myself crazy

[ALL SHOUTING AND SCREAMING]

STEVENS: The town has been invaded Communications are down.

We're talking mass chaos, and no one knows how to stop it

What do you think?

I'm not sure I--

- I don't know. - It's The Blob

The Blob The original one with Steve McQueen

I can't believe you don't know that movie

Come over to my house I got it on LaserDisc. We'll wa--

Power went out again

God All night with this

Well, these emergency lights should kick on soon

[SQUEAKING]

[♪♪♪]

Somebody left their ventriloquist dummy

Who you calling "dummy"?

It's talking What is that thing?

I come in peace Unarmed

- I just wanna read you a bedtime story - Sir, shut your mouth

SLAPPY: That's not gonna stop me. - Hands where I can see them

Officers, you've been relieved of your duties Ha, ha!

Now, freeze

[SCRAPING]

LORRAINE: Hello?

Oh, hello, cutie You must be lost

[DOG WHIMPERING]

Aw. And no tags

Well, let's get you some water.

We'll take you around the neighborhood and find your owner

Is he handsome?

Is he single?

Is he thinking about leaving his wife and needs a push?

[♪♪♪]

All right Trying not to spill

Don't be clumsy, Lorraine

Okay, you must be so thirsty

[ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

HANNAH: Everyone in town's been frozen

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Dad Dad, what happened to--?

Wait

Oh Oh, thank God

Guys, false alarm It's not my dad

- What are we going to do? - Without those manuscripts

. there's nothing I can do.

If you wrote the monsters off the page, maybe you could write them back on

Wait-- Yeah Why don't you do that?

STINE: You have any idea how many stories I'd have to write

. to capture every monster I've created?

- I have carpal tunnel in both hands - Dad, listen to him It's a great idea

Just one One story to capture them all

Hmm, simple Just one, one story, with every monster I've ever created.

Brilliant. Really good idea

He's a keeper.

You have a better idea?

Mm-hm, mm-hm A much better idea

No, not now, I don't, but--

We gotta get you to a computer so you can start writing All right, there's--

There's a computer store. Just break in

No, no, no I need my typewriter

- What? STINE: Every story I've written

. was on that Smith Corona It's not just me

That typewriter is special.

It has a soul of its own

[SIGHS]

If I write on anything else, it won't work

Where's the typewriter?

Oh, don't worry

It's somewhere safe

[JASON DERULO'S "GET UGLY" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ Get ugly ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ And everybody say ♪

♪ Get ugly ♪

♪ Get ugly ♪

♪ Get ugly ♪♪

Come on.

Come on, come on, come on

[PHONE BEEPING]

[SIGHS]

Just give me one bar

This was working earlier

- Brains - Aah!

Heh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you

I did mean to scare you, but in a playful way.

So, uh, is everything okay?

Uh-- Uh--

I'm sorry, I have to get hold of my son, and I can't get any service

Yeah No one can tonight. It's weird

[♪♪♪]

ZACH: I don't know what's going on with my phone

I can't get reception

Slappy's taken out the cell-phone towers That's what I'd do

He's cutting us off Isolating us

[THUMPING]

What was that?

[INVISIBLE BOY CHUCKLING]

Ugh, it's the Invisible Boy He's a menace.

[CHUCKLING CONTINUES]

[SLAPS]

STINE: Shove him out the window Roll up the window

ZACH: He's got his tie. - Help, help

STINE: Hold on

[INVISIBLE BOY YELLS]

INVISIBLE BOY: Not cool!

Are you okay?

- Yeah - For sure.

Yeah Wait. Wait, look out!

[ALL YELLING]

[STINE YELLS]

[ALL GRUNTING]

- Are you okay? - Yeah

Everyone okay?

It came out of nowhere

[CREATURE GROWLING]

[♪♪♪]

[CHITTERING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

I don't remember writing about a giant praying mantis

- Right Now I remember - Get us out of here!

What are you doing?

- Well, I can't drive if I can't see - Just go!

[♪♪♪]

CHAMP: Oh, my God.

- Watch out! - Turn left!

- Stop driving straight. Step on it. HANNAH: He's catching up.

- Turn right - Someone else wanna drive?

Because I'll pull over right now

[ALL SCREAM]

[ALL SCREAM]

[CHITTERING]

Why'd you come up with something so freaky?

I just have a knack for it, I guess

Oh, no My Wagoneer

I had such low mileage on it

- How far are we from the high school? - Not too far

- We can cut through the cemetery - I'm sorry, a cemetery?

Relax The high school's just past the woods

STINE: How do you know that?

Uh, sometimes I get a little stir-crazy and go exploring

- When? - At night, after you go to bed

You're grounded

- That is so unfair STINE: It's fair

Guys, you're both bringing up good points, but let's keep moving

Sneaking off at night with strange boys

- Unbelievable - Shut it

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

- Do you have a dollar I could borrow? - What? No

- Why? - I'm parched

- Take one I'm sure they'll understand - Really? Ha

Lemonade, grape

- . or strawberry? - Good God, man

Here Orange

[CHUCKLES]

Don't know what I was thinking There's way more going on here than New York.

- What? - Uh, you cut yourself.

- Is it bad? - Uh, yeah It's really bad.

- Is my face messed up? - Yeah

Big time

You look exactly the same

[BOTTLE CLINKS]

Did you hear that?

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING AND SNIFFING]

[SODA FIZZES]

[SNARLING AND SNIFFING]

What are you doing?

That's the Werewolf of Fever Swamp He can smell my scent

No, it's not working I have to hide

[♪♪♪]

Come on.

[SNARLING AND SNIFFING]

Shh, no, no, no

Do something

[TOY SQUEAKS]

Come on, come on Come on

Come on. Go, go, go

[BARKING]

STINE: He's on our tail. Go

ZACH: Go He's right behind us

[WEREWOLF WHIMPERS]

Come on. Go, go

Ha-ha-ha Oh!

I'm stuck Help me get out

- What are you doing? - There's no time

- I said get me out of here. - Gotta go There's no time

I said get me out-- Oh, no Keep going He's chasing us

I'm going as fast as I can

[WHISTLES]

- Just go. We're right behind you - Okay

Come on. We gotta go Get up Get up

- Come on, come on! - Let's go, guys.

HANNAH: Come on, come on, come on

Ha! Let's see him get through that

[THUMPING]

Go, go Run, run

[BARKING AND SNARLING]

- It's locked STINE: This way

[WEREWOLF SNARLS]

[CLAWS SCRAPING]

[ROARS]

Whoa!

[WHIMPERING]

I'm okay.

I'm still okay

- Who is that? - It's my Aunt Lorraine

- Oh, my gosh I think I killed that bear. - It was actually a werewolf.

- What? - What are you doing here?

This is the back of my store Didn't know where else to go.

I can't get ahold of your mother or the cops or anyone

- Hello. - Uh, hi Hello

H i.

I don't think we've been properly introduced. Um--

I'm-- I'm Lorraine

Hello. R L Stine.

We owe you a great debt of gratitude

- Your reckless driving saved our lives - Oh, that old thing? Ha, ha

- Lorraine Lorraine - So

Lorraine, we don't have time

I need you to go to the police Tell them to meet us at the high school

- All right? Can you do that? Okay - I can do that.

Did you wanna exchange numbers?

STINE: It's not a good time, but yes!

[♪♪♪]

CHAMP: Oh, God, this is a bad idea

What was that?

[CREATURE SCREECHING IN DISTANCE]

STINE: You okay? - Yeah, yeah Yeah

Yeah Just a root Nothing scary here

So how did you get the nickname "Champ"?

It's not a nickname

Wait That's your real name? Is it short for something?

- My full name is Champion. - Your actual name is Champion Heh

Sorry

CHAMP: Dad won a bronze in the '92 Olympics

STINE: Really?

[♪♪♪]

CHAMP: My mom, she was an all-American sprinter.

. and a two-time world debate champion

So they named me "Champ "

- If you're scared, I can hold your hand - Please, you're the scaredy-cat

[SHRIEKING]

Wait Hold on It's okay It's just a statue

All right? You're fine

It's all right All right?

Just give me a sec It's--

It's caught on your jacket

My hero

There You're free to go

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

What is it?

Nothing

Are you sure?

Yeah

Yeah, totally I'm fi-- Unh!

- Zach! - Unh! Unh!

[ZACH YELLS]

[GHOULS GRUNTING AND GROWLING]

Run!

- Ghouls Go, go - Oh! Oh!

[♪♪♪]

Oh, they're getting closer.

- Go Here. Go Go. STINE: Come on. Come on.

ZACH: Go, go, go

STINE: Hurry, quick, quick, quick

Unh, I'm stuck

- Go on without me. Save yourself. - Okay Good luck

No, I didn't mean it Champion!

What kind of monster would take me up on that?

ZACH: Pull. - Everybody pull.

I'll kill him Where is that little imbecile?

Wait for us, you coward!

All right Okay, Lorraine You got this

Just tell the cops to head to the high school and that everyone's in trouble

You can do this Okay Unh!

Nope Wrong door.

Hello?

Is anyone in here?

[♪♪♪]

Calling all cops, calling all the cops

Head to the high school My nephew's in trouble

He's with R.L. Stine They think they know how to stop all this.

Hello? Can anyone hear me?

SLAPPY: I can hear you.

Sergeant Slappy, ready to protect and serve.

Oh, my goodness.

- You're. - Don't do it

- . a talking. - Don't say it

- . dummy - You said it

[SCREAMS]

You have the right to remain silent

Where did they put my typewriter? I know it was this way

It might've been the other way

- We should split up CHAMP: What? No

Ever read your books? We're never supposed to split up.

Come on. How many display cases could there be?

- You're touching me - Yeah Hang on a second

- Hannah doesn't know, does she? - She doesn't know what?

That she's not real

[♪♪♪]

She thinks she's a person. Okay? Not some figment of your imagination

How could you lie to her?

I was trying to protect her

Oh, yeah? Well, good job with that

This gift of mine is a curse

You have no idea how lonely it's been until Hannah

She's different

I wrote her in such a way that she thinks she's real, and she is real to me, Zach

I don't expect you to understand

ZACH: Actually, I do.

STINE: I'm afraid of losing her

And the truth is, I'm afraid of being alone

I suppose I stopped connecting with real people when I was your age

After my dad died, I shut everyone out too

Maybe we can both start over.

. if we're alive tomorrow

There you are

Are you okay?

You look like you just saw a ghost

Okay Well, come on We found the typewriter

Oh, my sweet darling, I've missed you so much

- All right, so start writing - Yes, but what's the story?

What? Monsters lose, good guys win, the end.

No, no, no It doesn't work unless it's a real Goosebumps story with.

. twists and turns and frights

Not to mention some personal growth for our hero

- What? STINE: Go to the gym

Warn everyone Tell them to barricade the school

- Where are you going? - To find someplace to write

Slappy's going to come for me I have a deadline, literally Now go

[♪♪♪]

Unbelievable

[OVER SPEAKERS] ♪ Off, off, off, off, off with your head ♪

♪ Dance, dance till you're dead ♪

♪ Heads will roll, heads will roll ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ Heads will roll on the floor ♪

ZACH: Excuse me

Sorry Coming through

Come on. We gotta get to the stage

♪ Heads will roll, heads will roll ♪

♪ Heads will roll on the floor ♪♪

So this is what a high-school dance is like

Uh, yeah Usually the dancing's better.

. but you get the idea.

MAN 1: That what they call dancing now? MAN 2: I'm not sure.

Zach

ZACH: Mom Mom GALE: Zach

- I couldn't get hold of you or Lorraine - I know I know

Mom, everyone here is in danger, we have to barricade the school

- Oh, no Not this again HANNAH: He's telling you the truth

Hi, I'm Hannah I live next door

[RECORD SCRATCHES AND MUSIC STOPS]

All right Okay, everyone, listen up Okay?

- Okay Everybody, you gotta listen up-- COACH: Champ

CHAMP: I have something to say - Get down

[CROWD JEERING]

CHAMP: Uh. Wow BOY 1: Get off the stage

Okay, um.

Uh, okay, uh

Listen to my best friend Zach

- Just-- Just tell them - Thanks, Champ

- Yeah - Yeah All right. Um

This is going to sound insane.

. but monsters have invaded Madison.

[ALL CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

Guys, it's the truth Okay? He's telling the truth It's--

He's not making this up

They've blocked every road out of town, they've torn down the cell towers.

. and we've been cut off from the rest of the world

And they could be coming for us any second so we need to work to--

[BOY 2 SCREAMS]

He's right. It's the Boogeyman.

. and he's picking his nose

[ALL LAUGHING]

- I'm not making-- BOY 2: Aah!

There's a giant bug, and it's eating everybody's cars!

- Uh, it's getting old, dude - No, seriously!

[BOY 2 SCREAMS]

[ALL GASPING]

[CHITTERING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

They're here

Whoa

[THUMPING]

Ha, ha! Now, this is a real homecoming

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[GNOMES LAUGHING]

All right Everyone, calm down Okay? I know what to do.

. but I can't do it by myself

Take this.

Invite the rest of our friends to the party

ZACH: Look. Those things out there...

. they're R L. Stine's monsters

He's here, and he can fix this, but we need to buy him time to write

And don't worry, he's a very quick writer.

The night was cold.

Cold was the night

[WOLVES HOWLING]

SLAPPY: Come close Don't be shy

You don't wanna miss the show

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

All right, everyone These are all the exits

Find anything to barricade the doors because we cannot let the monsters in.

Come on, guys We don't have a lot of time Stack them up there

Come on, quickly Quickly Yes

[♪♪♪]

All my friends in one place.

I've never been so happy

I don't want this day to end.

. and it doesn't have to.

. as long as we get rid of Stine

- Charge! GNOMES: Woo-hoo!

[SNOWMAN ROARING]

[GRUNTING AND GROWLING]

[INSECTS BUZZING]

[GRUNTING]

Go, go, go It's not gonna hold Go

Go, go, go

ROBOTS: We come in peace

We come in peace

[ROARS]

- We should be helping - We should be leaving

[TAYLOR SHRIEKS]

[SNARLS]

Uh. Wow

What? What?

Where are you going?

We are so through

[GROWLING]

Please, no. Please. Please

No, please

[CHAMP YELLS THEN WEREWOLF SNARLS]

[CHAMP GRUNTING AND WEREWOLF BARKING]

[GASPS]

[TAYLOR SHRIEKS]

[WEREWOLF WHIMPERING]

- Oh, my God. How'd you do that? - Oh, um.

Silver fillings I have a ton of cavities

When I was 10, I didn't brush my teeth for a year

Ugh, werewolf hair Oh.

[♪♪♪]

You saved my life, Chump.

It's actually "Champ."

I was just gonna say "hug me again," but yeah, yeah, that works too

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

[WHISPERING] We can't keep this up There's too many.

[WHISPERING] We have to get to Stine

- Let's go - Okay

All the monsters had converged

The vicious vampire bats.

. the praying mantis.

. the haunted mask.

SLAPPY: Forgetting somebody? - Slappy

- How did you find me? - Ha-ha-ha

I know you I created you.

Or is it the other way around?

I always forget We're so similar

Slappy?

Slappy?

Slappy?

- Slappy? - H i.

[SHRIEKS]

"Everyone in the high school joined forces

. to defeat Slappy and his monsters "

Hmm But Slappy had other ideas.

No.

[SCREAMING AND GROANING]

Dad!

- Are you okay? - That dumb dummy broke my fingers

I was almost finished

- One or two pages left ZACH: Forget two pages.

- Just write two words, "the end " - It doesn't work like that

PRINCIPAL [OVER PA]: School-wide announcement:

Monsters have overwhelmed Madison High.

Retreat in an orderly fashion to the storage room.

I repeat, retreat in an orderly fashion to the storage room

[ALL SCREAMING]

- We'll figure this out later Let's go. - Follow me

Come on, go!

- Aah! - Hannah No

[GRUNTING]

Close it Close it.

[♪♪♪]

- Are you okay? - Yeah Yeah Thanks

- Come with me. HANNAH: Okay.

Wait Wait, she's a--

Yes, and I don't care

[MONSTERS GRUNTING AND GROWLING]

[♪♪♪]

All right Come on, come on, come on Go, go, go Shut it! Go!

PRINCIPAL: Get that door. Get it Get it Get it

Oh, God

PRINCIPAL: Oh, God

Wait Mom, Mom, Mom You okay?

Are you okay? Yeah.

- What do we do? They'll get through ZACH: I don't know

STINE: Slappy wants me

That's who he's after

Listen, if I can lure them away in a bus, they'll follow me You'll all be safe

- I'm coming with you - No. I need to do this alone

I've been running from people my whole life

I was so angry at the real world that I created these terrible monsters

PRINCIPAL: Hold that door down

But I'm not mad anymore

It's my fault, not this town's

- Not yours - There's gotta be another way

Hannah, sweetheart

. it's time for me to face my demons.

- I believe in you - Shut up! I'm sorry.

I mean, shut up

[♪♪♪]

I have an idea

[♪♪♪]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[CHITTERING]

Oh, Papa.

There's no escaping from us

[ALL GRUNTING AND GROWLING]

Bring him to me

[LAUGHS]

[PRAYING MANTIS CHITTERING]

[MONSTERS GRUNTING AND GROWLING]

[♪♪♪]

STINE: Did it work?

Not yet

Come on. Come on, work.

Come on, come on

Uh-oh

[LAUGHS]

Yes! High five

- Oh, boy Bad idea. - Sorry

Yes It worked

Oh, be careful, Zach

[ALL CHEERING]

We're gonna get through this

Not a good time

Okay

STINE: Okay Go.

It was clear there was only one place left to hide

- I can't type while walking - Commit it to memory.

There was one place to hide It was the, uh, arcade gallery.

- There is no arcade gallery - Okay That was, in fact, the funhouse

CHAMP: Wait, guys Why don't we just sit at one of these tables?

Come on. Guys!

[MONSTERS GRUNTING AND GROWLING]

Follow the scent

Lead me to Stine

[HOWLS]

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

[♪♪♪]

STINE: Stine's ingenious plan worked to perfection.

The funhouse was terrifying. Not so much for Stine as it was for the others

But it offered refuge from the real terrors that lurked outside

You wish

He found us Quickly, follow me

Papa, you left without saying goodbye

Trying to hide from me?

That's like hiding from yourself

I was your best friend, and you turned your back on me

Locked me up, imprisoned me in the pages of a book

SLAPPYS [IN UNISON]: You stuck me on a shelf for years and years

The key was right there

SLAPPY: And you never used it

You're not real, Slappy. I created you

I can write you out

I've been saving this monster just for you.

- Say hello to my gelatinous friend. - Run!

[SLAPPY LAUGHING]

It's The Blob That Ate Everyone Don't let it touch you

[BLOB GROWLING]

We need to get to higher ground

The Ferris wheel

Zach, you go on ahead I'll hold it off You finish the book

What? What do I write?

- What's the end? - It's the story I've been writing.

It's what's happening right now You can do this End it

Wait

[♪♪♪]

[GROWLS]

HANNAH: Dad!

[GASPING]

Hannah, he's gonna be okay. All right? We have to finish the book

Okay

Not so fun, is it?

ZACH: Here we go

Okay

[STINE GRUNTING]

How do you like it, Papa?

The world is just outside your grasp, but you can't move

You're trapped

That's what it felt like to be locked inside your books.

Wait The book

Where is it?

ZACH: As the monsters converged.

. Zach closed his eyes and the monsters.

. were swallowed back into the world of paper and ink

Can you type any faster?

- This is my first time using a typewriter - Keep going

[MONSTERS GRUNTING AND GROWLING]

Eureka, eureka, 23-69.

- They're coming. What are we gonna do? - Finish it, Zach.

One by one, the monsters disappeared back into the book.

. never to be seen

. again

The end

- Here - What happens now?

ZACH: We're about to find out

[ALL GRUNTING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

CHAMP: We're all gonna die!

ZACH: Just hold on

Hold on tight

CHAMP: Where's the seat belt in this thing?

[ALL GRUNTING AND GROANING]

ZACH: Let's go

CHAMP: Right

[ALL COUGHING]

I'm okay. I'm okay

Okay Hurry up. All the monsters will be here any second

All the monsters

Wait What are you waiting for? Come on. Open the book

[♪♪♪]

Hannah, there's something that you need to know.

- You're not gonna-- - Open the book

No. You don't understand If we open the book, that means--

It means I'll be stuck on a shelf someplace forever

You knew?

How many sweet sixteens can one girl have?

Zach, it's time to move on

Now open the book, scaredy-cat

[MONSTERS GRUNTING AND GROWLING]

No.

- Okay Then I'll open it - Wait, no Hannah!

[♪♪♪]

[YELLING]

Wait, Hannah. I've got you

[GRUNTING]

[GNOMES LAUGHING AND SHATTERING]

[YELLS]

Oh, oh, oh! Ha-ha-ha

[BLOB GROWLING]

Maybe if I hold onto you tight enough--

You have to let go, Zach

BOTH: Whoa!

[SLAPPY LAUGHING]

[STINE GRUNTING]

Slappy's not happy

Neither is Stine!

Stupid dummy!

See you in your dreams

[SLAPPY LAUGHING]

You'll be okay

I'll always be in your imagination.

. which is really where I belong

I'm just sad we never got to share a dance.

[♪♪♪]

Wait

Wait, wait

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[♪♪♪]

Hey.

PAINTER: Yeah. One more coat, we should be good.

PRINCIPAL: Let's go, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome back to class, guys

- All right Welcome back - Hey. Watch it

PRINCPAL: We're back to business Let's go.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Okay I'll give you a 60-second head start

It's okay, Mom

Let's go in together

[LOCKS CLICK]

So mature

GALE: You love it

GIRL 1: After fourth period GIRL 2: Oh, okay That would be great

You okay? You breathing? You're gonna be great

Okay? You look great You smell great

My God, what is that?

I rub myself in cilantro every morning

- Of course you do, my sexy little salsa - Ha-ha-ha

- Go on. - Okay I'm off to work

Oh, what did I have for you?

- There it is. - Ah!

Oh Oh. Went too far Got it

[CHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

Hello. Ahem

My name is Mr. R L Stine, and I will be your new English teacher

. because Mr Boyd is still recuperating from injuries.

. sustained in a mutant-insect attack.

Now.

. every story ever told.

. can be broken down into three distinct parts

The beginning.

. the middle

. and the twist

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

- Hello, Mr Stine - Hello, Mr Black

- Uh, who was that? - He's the new drama teacher

- Can I ask you something? - Of course

Do you miss her?

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her

But she'll always be in here.

. and in there

And right here.

. and in here.

And also right over there

[♪♪♪]

Ha, ha I may have written one more book.

Hannah

You're-- You're real

- You came back - I had to You owe me a dance

[STINE GRUNTS AND SHOUTS]

Come on, let's go

[TYPEWRITER KEY CLACKS]

[♪♪♪]

INVISIBLE BOY: You forgot about me Ha-ha-ha

[SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

[CHITTERING]

[HOWLS]

[LAUGHING]

[SQUAWKING]

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[GNOME LAUGHING]

[GNOME LAUGHS]