Original subtitles

A FILM BASED ON A NOVEL BY B. HRABAL

CUTTING IT SHORT

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FEELING WEAK AND PALE,

DOWN A PINT OF ALE.

I have something for you.

Look for it!

Cold.

Cold.

Cold.

Cold.

Warmer!

Hot!

Patent needle threader!

Patent needle threader...

is worth of brightest pearls.

Your trembling hand shall not miss event he smallest eye!

My good piggy.

Don't be scared, Ludovic...

You'll become very tasty ham!

Here is the liver,

now the heart.

Beautiful, right?

There's always enough malt, we even sell it locally.

The barley is mealy, the grain is good,

and five or seven crowns cheaper than last year.

- Don't spend too much. - Order is the main thing.

And decency.

Here we leave the malt to mellow for four to six weeks.

Then you clean it and grind it. This way please.

- Well, Doctor, what do you think? - I can smell pork!

We stocked up well on ice during the winter season.

How is that?

It is May, too warm to kill a pig!

The pig broke its leg yesterday, unfortunately.

As the manager you must do your best.

And as the board of directors,

we could sack you.

- Pepper, salt... - Marjoram...

- Thyme, garlic... - Ginger...

No, this is not a cake.

We've replaced the boiling sieves and other parts.

We've changed direct heating to steam heating.

So, if our beer's so good, why not produce more?

Alright, we could start boiling also overnight.

We introduced modern boiling and changed hops dosage distribution.

Do you smoke the meat to conserve it?

What my wife doesn't eat goes into the fridge.

During the winter season, we put resin in the barrels.

And we boiled a lot in advance, so the beer is mellow,

particularly the lagers.

Good quality interests many inns, but we can't deliver to everyone.

But I shall deliver it to pubs with large cold cellars,

where it'll be well preserved.

So that our beer wins a good reputation.

Mind you, our beer has always had a good reputation!

Before the new brewer came all it was good for was against constipation.

We need to buy two more fermentation tubs

to increase production by 5,000 hectol per year.

- So the percentage... - That's enough, Manager,

we'll finish the topic in the boardroom.

- I can smell fresh white pudding. - This way please.

I also propose increasing the barrel manufacture.

We could adjust...

Where have you been again, Mr. Martin?

I told you to bring wood!

Stay here and stoke up!

We'll make the sausages.

A bit more rum?

Yes?

So much work.

Here!

Whatever the beer's like, I insist on order.

- And decency! - And cleanliness.

Leave the coal as it is, so people can see we can afford it.

- You must try harder, Manager. - What a lovely smell, so lovely!

So, help yourselves! Please.

May I invite the gentlemen to a pork-feast?

Well, we could finish our meeting tomorrow, right?

Tastes delicious.

An angel's flown by!

- My God, I'm bloated! - The amount I've eaten today!

- A full plate of soup. - It was a fairy tale.

White pudding, two sausages,

more meat...

and a cold sausage on top.

No, two cold sausages and then...

Dear lady,

I bow to your culinary expertise.

What a beautiful,

relaxed afternoon.

I have to look at two women in labour,

and one with a gallbladder attack.

You must try harder, Manager.

You must do your best, Manager.

They're all dumb.

I have something for you.

What is it?

CHEST EXPANDER

Our chest expander will strengthen your muscles.

The results will surprise you.

You too will be as strong as a tiger.

Which can kill a much bigger cow with one blow!

Chest expander for men, women... for the whole family!

I was falling asleep with the rosy image

of having two steaks for breakfast.

All Francin ever had was lukewarm coffee and a slice of dry bread.

Francin's muscles were as magnificent as the gladiator's

on the chest expander box,

but the poor man saw himself as a skinned rabbit.

What happened?

Pepin.

My brother-in-law is alive, at last!

I was apprenticed as a small town shop assistant,

delivering soda water and living in the attic.

Dreamt of attending a business school.

I'd send my mom a florin, sometimes two.

Pepin was a cobbler, worked from home

but he would only shout and fight with shoes.

Whilst others made two pairs, he barely made one pair.

I used to send money home every month,

so he wouldn't come here and shout the place down.

Who are you, woman? Sister-in-law?

- Yes, I am. Welcome, brother-in-law! - What's wrong?

I've come to stay for two weeks and you're out flat!

- Help yourself. - Yeah.

Well, I've lost my appetite, been feeling poorly.

So, Francin, they all send their greetings

except for Bochalena, she's had it for good,

some trickster slipped gun powder or what into a log,

the old hag stoked up the fire and it blew up and she was a goner.

- How's your wife? - What are you talking about? I'm single.

And the priest broke his hip so badly,

that he will never fully recover.

Uncle Zavicak was tiling the church spire

the footbridge collapsed and down he fell,

but straight into a linden-tree, on his back,

but nothing happened to him

and the priest ran down to bless him,

stumbled over a step, fell over and broke his leg.

Old Zavicak took him to Prostejov hospital.

Perfect, right?

A company called Salamander makes the glue.

And as you're an exceptionally clever woman, sister-in-law,

I'll mend all your shoes for you in those two weeks.

I'm a professional when it comes to shoes.

This is the Parisian style,

this here is the instep and it also has other names.

This is the heel, or Absatz in German or Austrian.

Well, if you want to practice cobbling, you've got to have a diploma.

It's like being a doctor or having A-levels.

I'll teach you all I know in the two weeks I'm staying.

Two weeks?

Two years probably, most likely a life sentence.

Francin!

I'll make apple strudel.

Your sausages are damn good, pity I'm feeling so poorly.

I'll teach you everything. I made shoes for a guy

who was a court shoemaker, not only the Emperor,

but the whole region liked him, where he supplied his shoes.

- On a bicycle. - Rubbish.

Such a supplier is not a common tradesman,

if the Emperor saw him on a bike, he would take him...

- That bike. - Rubbish.

The title and the eagle from the shop sign!

As you saw and as I've shown you, we are highly active.

...highly active.

We have improved the quality of beer using first-class ingredients,

by implementing modern technologies from abroad, too,

and I also use my Laurin & Klement motorcycle to ride round local inns

and gather new contracts, which is...

Old Kafka was so nervous, that when his little girl

kept hitting her head on the furniture,

he padded all the edges of the furniture.

And to be more active still...

He was so nervous that he opened the door with such force that in the end

that he hit her himself and made her unconscious.

So he padded, on a friend's advice, his little girl's forehead instead.

And then uncle Method read an advert:

Are you bored? Buy a raccoon!

So he ordered one, as he had no kids himself.

The raccoon was like a kid, it arrived a week later.

It loved everyone, but kept washing everything.

Once he washed uncle's clock and his three pocket watches

and now nobody can fix them.

And the raccoon also took... The cakes are really good!

...bicycle parts to wash them in a stream. And the neighbors were saying...

I wrote up these signs...

And when uncle kissed auntie, the raccoon wanted to kiss too!

So he had to go and kiss her in the woods like when they were young.

I wrote the signs and the board should decide

if we should have them printed. I'd take them round the inns

on my business trips on my Laurin & Klement motorcycle.

I'd like to mention one more slogan.

Only our May lager will make the thirsty truly thirsty.

- What do you think of that, gentlemen? - What's that inhuman shouting?

My brother's on a visit, for two weeks.

Please go and tell him to stop it at once.

This is our brewery!

Tell him to do his hollering out in the fields!

...the raccoon moved from the Dutch stove in the room

and mucked up all the furniture and beddings.

So uncle Method wrote an advert:

Are you bored? Buy a raccoon.

And he was heavy-hearted no longer.

Why are you two shouting, you peasants?

It's not me, it's somebody inside me.

For mercy's sake, stop it! You endanger my position.

You want me to go back to accounting? Instead of in the brewery?

You should be with the police, Pepin, you're so clever!

- Don't be silly, sister-in-law. - Silence.

Uncle Adolf was a copper, one day he was chasing a scoundrel.

They surrounded the building and when they entered the kitchen,

there was an old hag sitting there, and the chief detective said to her:

Where's your old man?

The guy jumped out of the window, she said, into a cesspool...

- Please continue. - Yes.

The hop growers are competitive.

The board should allow me to ride on my Laurin & Klement

and interview them personally in the Zatec area. And...

Excuse me...

He threw away the gun and chased him to the bus stop with the cuffs.

They wouldn't let Adolf go in the police car,

but he stank too much, so he had to walk towards Ostrava.

Then they kicked him out of the tram.

He walked home all the way and his landlady refused to wash his suit,

so he took the suit to the cleaner's...

We shall resume the meeting in half an hour.

Ask the accountant for a basin of lukewarm water.

Careful, Mr. Manager. It might have an negative impact.

An important meeting is turning into a comedy,

into a Charlie Chaplin or Lupino Lane act!

And she screamed at Adolf: You've shat your trousers

so wash them yourself! What a shame it was.

What is this muck? I say what is this muck?

The best glue in the world,

made in Vienna by the Salamander shoemaker company.

Thanks a lot, brother.

Uncle Adolf, he was truly unlucky.

One day he met... drunk dentists in a pub.

They invited them to their table.

And later they pulled out each other's front teeth.

Uncle Adolf's too, because he was as pissed as a newt, too.

How unlucky!

Not really, what if they had been the vets that castrate animals!

So he was lucky then.

An insurance clerk called Korec,

had his son studying in Olomouc.

Dr. Karafiat came to him as an inspector and complained

that people weren't getting their sick pay.

The insurance guy admitted pocketing it

and sending the money to his son to pay his studies.

The doctor said it wasn't his business. So this Korec took a scythe,

drank a bottle of rum and cut his throat.

These days life is easier.

Husbands and wives take turns hanging themselves.

Like that cobbler who thieved at night,

his wife couldn't steal at all,

so he hanged himself, couldn't bear the shame.

Like this Chytil, whose wife sold shirts, but was a thief as well.

And when the coppers found out, he was so ashamed he hanged himself, too.

Gone is all our love

Enough to make you weep

Nothing left at all

All drowned in the deep...

Depends if it's real passion or just fun, you see.

One woman had 22 children

and the other nothing, even if a brewery chimney fell on her.

Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Si...

Do!

Do, Si, La, Sil,

Fa, Mi, Re, Do.

- I'm going to sing! - What will you have for breakfast,

tea, coffee, milk, chocolate or beer?

Rum!

Remember, dear friend, every woman is potentially evil.

Good morning.

What was I talking about?

- Women. - Ah, yes. Woman is the only good

we still have in the world.

FASHIONABLE COIFFURES

Come back tomorrow.

This won't do, Mr. Tapster.

The beer is tepid, the pipes unwashed,

not to mention the glasses.

You're ruining the reputation of our beer.

We shall have to cancel the contract.

Look at this beauty in the jug, Mr. Brewer.

See this froth of the beer.

It isn't froth, but whipped cream!

It isn't cream, but whipped custard!

- It isn't custard, it's... - It's not cold enough.

Azure, the colour of summer.

So we'll choose this colour of hope.

Azure.

The chamomile smells so nice.

This fountain and that brewer wife's hair

are the pride of our town.

How dare you?

The beer's not cool enough, I'm telling you.

This is our hotel, it's our business.

- We are the Board of Directors. - We'll send you enough ice.

- Good morning, gentlemen! - Good morning, good morning.

- Hello, Francin. - Hello.

When will you get home?

I don't know, I have to arrange something.

Permit me to drink to the beauty of your hair!

- To your culinary art! - Yes, absolutely!

Dear Lady Brewer, have one with us, please.

- Your health! - To yours!

Come on!

Good... but not cold enough.

Goodbye.

We'll make you A lovable creature

With a golden collar A round your neck

You'll look like a flower

The world will rejoice

It'll be wild to see you dance...

Do, Re, Mi, Fa,

Sol, La, Ti, Do.

Do, Ti, La, Sol,

Fa, Mi, Re, Do.

Do, Re, Mi, Fa,

Sol, La, Ti, Do.

Do, Ti, La, Sol,

Fa, Mi, Re, Do.

Just perfect!

My heart is a beehive A buzz with pretty girls...

- What can I do for you? - Nothing.

Wait till I run out of petrol.

And then Johnny began To sing his song

And kissing his bonnie girl

I've brought you something.

Look for it!

Cold...

Cold...

What is it?

Oh God, so beautiful...

What is it for?

Put the light out.

Maryska, now Pepin can scream all day,

I can have problems at work,

they can all offend me as they will,

but these sparks give me zest for life.

Life courage.

This purple ozone, Maryska,

will take away your longing to do in public all the things

polite people hardly dare even think about.

Or to do them at home.

- Well, here I am! - Shut the door!

Yeah.

This is good for your health, for your nerves.

We shall do it every day, Maryska, yes?

Yes, Francin.

We shall do it every night.

Gorgeous! Like a parody on genital hygiene!

Uncle Pepin, I bet you are hungry.

My boss had a daughter, Mary. A belly like a chamber pot,

bust like Maria Theresa, bottom like a cistern.

One night they said to me: You're sleeping here, by the stove.

Come morning Mary touched me and put those tits on my chest

and I jumped up and split my head open on the stove.

And as I started cleaning the wound,

the whole family jumped off their beds happy there'd be a wedding.

- Francin! - And then Mary bought me a tie

and a ring. I wouldn't have it, pretending to be weak in the chest.

She married a guy called Jetrutka.

A drunkard he was,

every time he sneezed he got Mary pregnant.

One, two! One, two!

One, two!

Stop!

Right foot forwards,

shoulders back, chest up, attention...

One, two! One, two!

This here is called the jabber.

And this is the barrel...

Beer barrel. Whiskey barrel.

You're soft in the head, sister-in-law.

If you said that to the Captain he'd cut you up with his sabre.

Barrel of the gun, that's what it is.

Attention!

One, two, three, four...

Get up!

One! Two!

For offending the greatest army -

the Austrian!

One, two...

- Why are you yelling here? - We're playing soldiers.

- Meaning drill. - Play what you like, but not here.

- Where are we to play? - On top of the chimney for all I care.

But quietly!

The chimney?

The chimney.

Francin has frayed nerves. Baptists would say to him

that he should wash his private parts with lukewarm water.

After you.

The chimney, he said. So the chimney it is.

Oh yes, sister-in-law.

This would make a great command post!

Or a lookout tower.

Rubbish! That's for civilians,

a command post's for soldier monitoring enemy movements.

An intelligent beauty you are, sister-in-law,

but if the Captain heard you he'd hit you with his sabre and shout:

I'll hack your willie off!

But he wouldn't hack my willie off, he liked me, I carried his sabre.

I was a perfect student,

all merit and distinction.

But how could the Colonel remember one thousand men?

- Isn't it beautiful, uncle Pepin? - It is.

Pepin,

is it true that in the army you grazed goats?

Who said that?

The tobacconist. He was a Captain in the war

and watched you through his binoculars.

Tobacconists couldn't be Captains,

the Emperor wouldn't have it.

The Emperor would never give binoculars to a tobacconist.

A wounded soldier could later become a tobacconist,

but a tobacconist couldn't become a Captain.

Forward, now!

- Are you dizzy, sir? - Dizzy?

Horribly dizzy!

In the name of the law, climb down.

Your brother-in-law, too.

After you.

I'll go down on the inside, to practice it.

Pepin! Down!

Are you bored? Buy a raccoon.

You deserve spanking.

- On my bare bottom. - On your bare bottom.

It must have been wonderful up there.

Yes, as it was dangerous,

and what's dangerous is the right thing.

The Austrian soldier triumphs again!

Perfect.

Is that your brother, the shouter?

- Yes, that's him. - That's me.

What's his trade?

A cobbler and a maltster!

Give him a job in the brewery, that's an order.

For shouting, work is the best cure of all.

The operation is over.

Drive off!

We are a voluntary fire brigade, Mr. Manager,

not firemen from an American film

with Lupino Lane.

We shall send you the bill!

It must have been beautiful up there!

Francin's nerves are damned frayed...

Francin!

The music will give you strength,

heal your nerves,

revive your organism.

When I did this with Miss Vlasta at the bar,

the dragoons screamed and wanted more brandy!

Ouch!

My foot!

- We must call the Doctor. - Yeah.

What a disaster.

What have you been up to now?

If she doesn't stay in bed she'll be on crutches for life,

or be in a wheelchair.

Like I said, complete rest

and we will see in two weeks.

Brother, can you forgive me?

You were sent to me by heaven.

What else goes in the fodder?

Crush the potatoes, they're in the pot.

- You can cut apples, too. - Good.

And you must take your temperature, you coughed last night.

38.6.

Well, that's a fever.

A cold compress,

so your lungs

don't get stuck to your pleura.

That could mean pneumonia.

Now he has me like he wanted. He can now hope

to have me in a wheelchair, if my ankle doesn't heal well.

He'd be the happiest of husbands.

Now he has me where he always wanted me,

ill and helpless.

Francin?

Do you have a minute?

Of course, you're an invalid now.

So go down to the cellar, there's a pot with a heavy stone.

And under the stone, there's meat, ready to be smoked.

Go there and turn it over.

Me?

You know I have a horror of meat.

You'll have me in a wheelchair, I think,

remember I'm an invalid.

I'll go at once, my dear.

I know, you're an invalid.

Ugh, garlic.

You can go.

You can go.

- I have something for you. - What?

- Close your eyes! - Yes.

- Are they shut? - Yes.

- You won't peep? - No.

So...

- Now? - Now.

Oh, it's beautiful!

- Do you like it? - Yes.

- And who bought it for you? - Francin.

- And who is that? - You.

And who am?

I am your...?

My hubbie.

What more could I wish for?

I feel fine, my wife's an invalid

and brother Pepin's working a nd stopped shouting.

Who says I'm losing my voice.

Alright, we will do it.

Hello, brother.

- Are the canals clean? - Not yet.

So Pepin will go and clean them,

there he can bellow as he likes,

but not in German,

all our board members are Sokol patriots.

Why not be happy

Why not be happy

If God gives us health

If God gives us health

If God gives us health

And who would think that

And told Pauline to stand up and give little Martin a hug.

And then they kissed, as they were told.

Miss Pauline stood and gave Zemla her hand.

He was so happy.

But they would hardly have kissed

had the good lady Sustrova not given them a push.

Martin felt electricity running through him

when he kissed her lovely pink lips,

and felt the girl's breasts against his chest.

- Well, here I am. - Welcome.

What a disaster.

Old Bochalena had a vision

that a big horse with burning mane flew over our town.

She said: this means war.

And war it was.

And last year the whole town was astonished,

when baby Jesus flew above the town square.

But then it was explained.

You see, little Lolan grazed his sheep

and an airplane flew past,

dragging a rope with bag to test it, the rope got round Lolan's foot

and Lolan, a pretty child that he was, platinum hair and all,

was up there in the sky.

So Lolan was in the air, but the old women thought it was baby Jesus.

And then he got caught in that old linden tree by the church,

and as this Jesus or Lolan fell, he asked:

Where is my flock?

The women begged him to bless them.

So he started...

Said goodbye and mother went into the kitchen

for some water... but in fact to allow the young people...

...a tender farewell.

Alright,

the compresses were good.

Excuse me, a bit of cold.

It's these night time call-ins. I shall listen to your lungs.

Pull up your shirt.

Breathe deeply.

Those who drink, die. Those who don't, die too.

But who drinks our May lager won't want to die!

Marya?

A common cold, that's all.

I'll write...

a prescription.

Mornings are still cold.

Three pills a day.

Morning, afternoon and...

...and evening. God bless.

My husband bought me a therapeutic fulguration apparatus.

There's a cathode pipe for colds,

eucalyptus oil, fragrant pinewood...

A fulguration apparatus, you say?

I'd sure like to see this box of tricks.

- You understand it? - Of course.

This is the eucalyptus oil, it smells of resin.

I shall place the ozone inhaler in your nose,

but you must lie down.

- Do you feel the neon rays? - How poetic.

That's the ozone, the scent of summer storms.

Blue is your colour, mine too.

Calms down the nerves, slows down blood circulation.

Yes, blue colour.

And fragrant pinewood...

What are you doing?

Oh God, what is it?

Where is this oil

with the pinewood fragrance?

Damn you woman, should be diluted 1:10.

Can you forgive me, Mr. Chairman.

Were I not the brewery chairman,

I would wish to be the manager.

It was a poetic afternoon.

It is good,

as rehabilitation I recommend cycling.

But new times are here.

Everything is short.

Look outside.

- I've cropped my stallion's tail. - Indeed,

you've cut it!

All of it.

And I trimmed...

my moustache.

Beautiful!

This invention shortens distances between people.

Good people, our Agrarian Party will fight for this invention.

In a year or two this invention

will be in very family, for a reasonable price.

- People will listen to the news... - Pepin!

My friends, I don't want to jump to conclusions,

but this device may allow us to listen to news not only from Prague,

even from Brno, music from Pilsner.

Pepin!

Or - not wanting to exaggerate from as far as Paris!

Pepin!

Come up.

- Shorten them! - Great, we'll shorten everything!

Time, distance.

We'll make short work of it. We'll cut it all short -

it's shearing time!

I'm afraid this apparatus will not bring people happiness.

- But our Agrarian party... - What we mustn't cut short

is our common sense, sister-in-law.

Lucky, somebody's got some brains!

I surprise myself.

Mustn't cut people's rights though!

Don't talk that way, or they'll give you the sack!

They can't, because of our organization.

We hereby cut ourselves off from old Austrian Empire.

You have a motorcycle of Czech make,

now we have a Czech truck!

Horses belong to the past.

This truck replaces two pairs of horses

and will speed up deliveries to remote places.

Our horses will be off to the slaughterhouse.

Our truck will shorten the distance to village inns.

Like a death in the family, Mr. Martin. Take three days off.

- Cut it off! - What?

Like this.

No!

I want it short, like Josephine Baker.

No!

And now some proposals for further improvements.

So, gentlemen!

We shall shorten the distance to the cellars for the barrels.

Master, we are shortening the working day, tell them.

And we'll be cutting your wages accordingly.

- Now? - Now.

God, you're a magician!

I feel so light!

This cutting short is crazy,

they've cut off the tails of three dogs!

She's shortened her hair!

- And cut her skirt! - A woman's bare knee

is like a Temple of the Holy Ghost.

- The brewery is prospering, but... - It costs a lot of money.

- These newfangled improvements. - And it lacks order.

- Any goulash going? - We will have to replace you!

My wife complained you didn't recognize her.

Good afternoon.

Where is your hair?

Here.

My tyres don't need pumping.

The pump works.

I bought this pump at Runkasin Boleslav Street.

Now we'll begin a new life.

Yes.

I think, Mr. Manager,

that we'll give you another chance.

The boat is long The oars are short

Come my love We will go back

We will go further To the green forest

Francin, I have something for you.

Look for it!

Cold...

Warmer...

Warmer...

Hot!

Here, I'm carrying a budding author for you!

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