Original subtitles

- * ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR

* ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SHAKE IT, DUDE

*

* ONE, TWO, DO IT

*

* ONE, TWO, THREE

- * FOUR, FOUR

*

[cheers and applause]

[Voodoo Princess]

- * WILD PARTIES, HEADS ARE SWIRLING *

* GOTTA BE THE HOTTEST PLACE AROUND *

* LEGS ARE JUMPING HIPS ARE ROLLING *

* BEAUTIFUL BODIES BOUNCING UP AND DOWN *

* HOT SAPPHIC SO GRAPHIC *

* DANCE WITH FIRE LIKE AN ISLAND GIRL *

* HOT SAPPHIC SO GRAPHIC *

* DRINK FROM THE FOUNTAIN AND GIVE IT A TWIRL *

- HAVING FUN?

- OH, IT'S AMAZING. IT'S--

- I DIDN'T REALIZE STAGETTE PARTIES WERE THIS WILD.

- IT'S THE WARM-UP FOR YOUR HONEYMOON.

NOW COME ON, FOLLOW THE LEDA.

THIS WAY. - OH.

[cheering]

* WHEN SHE ROCKS TUMULTUOUS *

* WHEN SHE MOVES

- [laughs] - IS THIS THE HAPPY COUPLE?

- SICKENING, ISN'T IT?

THEY WANT THEIR FORTUNE TOLD.

- PLEASE, I AM NOT A GYPSY... ROSE LOUISE.

I AM A TRAINED TAROTITIAN.

- [chuckles]

- NOW, SHALL WE SEE WHAT THE CARDS HAVE IN STORE?

- OH. - OH.

- UH-HUH.

WHEN IS THE SPECIAL DAY?

- THIS SATURDAY.

- UH-OH.

- WHAT? - WHAT?

- I'M SORRY, GIRLS,

BUT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY GET MARRIED THIS SATURDAY.

DIDN'T YOU KNOW?

MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE,

A TIME OF EXTREME IMBALANCE IN THE UNIVERSE,

UPHEAVAL, MISCOMMUNICATION,

AND MISUNDERSTANDINGS,

RESULTING IN SERIOUS DISCORD FOR EVERYONE.

- UH--

YEAH, BUT IS IT GOING TO RAIN?

- [sighs]

SIGNING CONTRACTS, MAKING PACTS,

TAKING VOWS-- NO. NO. NOT NOW.

IT'LL BE A TOTAL DISASTER. A CATASTROPHE.

BUT ON A POSITIVE NOTE,

YOU'LL REDECORATE YOUR DINING ROOM AROUND JUNE

IN AQUA AND MAROON.

AND IT WILL BE STUNNING.

- AW.

[pinball machine rings]

- AH.

SO WHAT DO YOU GET TWO DYKES WHO HAVE EVERYTHING?

- DYKES DON'T HAVE EVERYTHING.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE SO MISERABLE.

- WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, MATCHING PENIS TRANSPLANTS

ARE A LITTLE PRICY FOR A POOR SHOPKEEPER LIKE MYSELF.

- SILVER-PLATED DENTAL DAMS?

- OOH, A SPECIALLY ENGRAVED DOUBLE-HEADED DILDO?

- HOW ABOUT STEMWARE?

- HONEY, DILDOS ARE STEMWARE. [all chuckling]

- A WATER BUFFALO.

- WHAT?

- LESBIANS ARE INTO ENDANGERED SPECIES.

- YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY THEY AREN'T ONE OF THEM.

- OH, YOU GUYS ARE BRUTAL.

- WE NEED TO GET THEM SOMETHING THAT SHOWS WE CARE,

SOMETHING SPECIAL.

- WELL, I'D GO SHOPPING WITH YOU,

BUT, UH, I'M ACTUALLY PICKING OUT

A VERY SPECIAL GIFT FOR MYSELF.

YES, BOYS.

I HAVE FINALLY SAVED UP ENOUGH CASH

WHACKING AWAY ON TEDDY'S HOUSE OF PORN,

TO BUY ME THAT BRAND-NEW ASS I'VE ALWAYS WANTED.

- YOU'RE REALLY GETTING PLASTIC SURGERY?

- THE LANDSCAPE IS LITTERED WITH SLAVES TO BEAUTY

WHO HAVE NOSES THAT ARE TOO SMALL,

TITS THAT ARE TOO BIG.

YOU COULD END UP THE NEXT COSMETIC CASUALTY.

- IT'S TRUE. WHAT IF THEY MAKE A MISTAKE?

- LIKE ACCIDENTALLY SEWING UP YOUR ASSHOLE?

- WELL, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO CHEW ME A NEW ONE.

YOU'RE SO GOOD AT IT.

- AT LEAST WAIT A WEEK UNTIL MERCURY'S OUT OF RETROGRADE.

- BOY, YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN THAT SHIT?

- THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT UPHEAVALS IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM

CAN CAUSE DISTURBANCES HERE ON EARTH.

- BLAMING THE PLANETS FOR YOUR FUCK-UPS

IS JUST AN EXCUSE NOT TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY.

[overlapping chatter]

- GENTLEMEN!

IT'S TIME TO PICK THE WINNER

OF THE LIBERTY AVENUE AIDS HOSPICE CHARITY RAFFLE.

[cheers and applause]

NOW SOMEBODY'S GOING ON AN ALL-EXPENSE PAID TRIP FOR TWO

TO THIS WEEKEND'S WHITE PARTY IN MIAMI.

CAN I GET A DRUM ROLL PLEASE?

[all tapping]

AND THE LUCKIEST PRICK IN PITTSBURGH IS...

BRIAN KINNEY.

[cheers and applause]

- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

THE PLANETS DON'T SEEM TO BE FUCKING WITH ME.

[mockingly laughs]

- OH, YEAH? HOW DO YOU PLAN TO GO AWAY

AND STILL BE AT MELANIE AND LINDSAY'S WEDDING?

[mocking laugh]

[cheers and applause]

- OH, NO.

- VIC?

WHAT'S THE MATTER? - YOU OKAY, UNCLE VIC?

- SEE FOR YOURSELF.

- THEY'RE REEVALUATING YOUR DISABILITY?

- AND IF THEY TAKE IT AWAY, THERE GOES MY SHARE

OF OUR MONTHLY INCOME.

- WELL, GOD DAMN IT!

WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP UNIVERSE

WOULD SNATCH MY BROTHER FROM THE JAWS OF DEATH

ONLY TO SLOWLY STARVE BOTH OF US

OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME?

- BEN SAYS IT'S GOT TO DO WITH MERCURY.

- OH, DOES HE?

- LOOK, DON'T PANIC. I CAN HELP OUT.

- NO.

MICHAEL, THIS IS A SIGN.

IF I LOSE MY BENEFITS, THEN...

I'LL JUST HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK.

- ARE YOU SURE?

- ONCE UPON A TIME, I WAS A PRETTY DECENT CHEF.

- DECENT? HAH.

DECENT?

HE WAS ANOTHER SARA LEE.

- I'LL TAKE THAT AS THE COMPLIMENT

THAT I'M SURE WAS INTENDED.

THE TRICK WILL BE FINDING SOMEBODY WILLING TO HIRE ME.

- WELL, THERE'S NO SHORTAGE OF RESTAURANTS.

- THERE'S ALSO NO SHORTAGE OF CHEFS.

I'M RUSTY AS AN OLD SKILLET.

AND WHEN THEY FIND OUT WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN WORKING,

THEIR SOUFFLES WILL DROP.

- WOULD YOU STOP TALKING YOURSELF OUT OF A JOB

BEFORE YOU EVEN GET ONE?

WHAT IF I GOT YOU A SHIFT AT THE DINER?

WE COULD WORK TOGETHER.

- [chuckles]

- COME ON.

IN SELECTING YOUR IDEAL DERRIERE,

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU BE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE,

SINCE IT'LL BE FOLLOWING YOU AROUND

FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.

- RIGHT.

- OUR CATALOG WILL HELP.

- THANKS.

[phone rings] [exhales]

WOW. SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM.

PEAR SHAPE, MELON SHAPE.

EACH WITH ITS OWN UNIQUE PERSONALITY.

GOD.

HOW AM I EVER GOING TO DECIDE?

- WELL, SOMETIMES IT HELPS TO SEE THEM IN THE FLESH.

MY STAFF HAVE ALL HAD WORK DONE,

AND THEY'D BE MORE THAN WILLING TO SHOW YOU

OUR MOST POPULAR MODELS.

- SOMEBODY LOVES HIS JOB.

[chuckles]

- WHEN YOU WORK IN A BAKERY,

IT'S HARD TO RESIST THE BUNS.

[intercom beeps]

GERALD? TELL THE BOYS TO COME IN.

- [over intercom] YES, DOCTOR.

[military marching band music]

*

- OH.

*

- MR. HONEYCUTT'S HAVING DIFFICULTY MAKING UP HIS MIND.

- WOW, THEY'RE ALL SO BEAUTIFUL.

- I DID THEM ALL MYSELF.

I ALSO DID THEIR ASSES.

- OH. [both laughing]

- SO TAKE A GOOD, CLOSE LOOK.

FEEL FREE TO TOUCH.

FIRMNESS AND FLEXIBILITY ARE KEY FACTORS.

- DOUBLE BUBBLE. - MM-HMM.

- GOOD SKIN TONE.

REALLY, UH,

REALLY GIVES A BOY SOMETHING TO...

HOLD ON TO.

OH. [laughs] DIMPLES.

ALL THE RAGE THIS YEAR.

LOOKS LIKE LITTLE TWIN PUDDINGS

JUST BEGGING TO BE TASTED.

OH, HELLO, GORGEOUS.

WHOO! LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S A GREAT GIVE, YOU KNOW?

YOU COULD STRETCH IT OUT,

AND IT'D STILL HOLD ITS SHAPE.

[laughter]

GOD, THEY'RE ALL SO TEMPTING, DR. BEAMER.

BUT HOW DO I KNOW WHAT'LL LOOK GOOD ON ME?

- I CAN SHOW YOU ON MY DIGITAL IMAGING SYSTEM.

OR IF YOU PREFER,

WE CAN DO A CUSTOM DESIGN.

OF COURSE, THAT WOULD BE EXTRA.

- WELL, NOW IS DEFINITELY NOT THE TIME

TO SIT ON ONE'S WALLET.

LET'S DO IT. - GOOD.

- WE FAXED THOSE ORDERS WEEKS AGO.

NO. WEEKS AGO.

[sighs]

MANY DAYS AGO.

LOOK, IS THERE SOMEBODY THERE WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH

AS A FIRST LANGUAGE?

- PARDON?

- OH. LINDSAY!

OH, GOD. GUS JUST ATE THE SEATING PLAN.

- WE DO NOT HAVE THE ORDER.

- SO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SERVE

MY 24 NO DAIRY, NO YEAST, NO WHEAT KOSHER VEGANS?

- MADAME... - OH--

- [hyperventilating]

- OH. [phone beeps]

[groans] SWEETHEART, OH MY GOD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- HAVE...A PANIC...

ATTACK.

- OH, MY GOD!

- BLOATING. I--

LOOK. I CAN'T EVEN...

PUT ON MY SHOE.

[hyperventilating]

- IT'S--IT'S JUST A LITTLE ANXIETY-RELATED

WATER RETENTION.

IT'S-- - [crying]

I'M AS BIG AS LAKE MICHIGAN. - NO, NO, NO, NO.

- [rapid panting] - NO, YOU'RE NOT.

HERE. BREATHE INTO THIS. THERE WE GO, THERE WE GO.

THERE WE GO. OKAY. LIE DOWN.

PUT YOUR FEET UP.

THAT'S IT.

- [rapid panting]

I AM NOT GOING TO GET INTO MY DRESS.

- YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT WE AGREED,

NO WEIRD LESBO SEX IN FRONT OF THE KID.

both: FUCK OFF, BRIAN!

- FINE. I JUST DROPPED BY TO LET YOU KNOW

I'M NOT GOING TO BE AT THE WEDDING.

- FUCK! - I'M GOING TO THE WHITE PARTY

IN MIAMI INSTEAD. LATER.

- YOU CAN'T DITCH MY SPECIAL DAY!

- YOU SELFISH PRICK.

- AS USUAL, OBJECTIVITY FALLS TO ME.

THINK.

YOU DON'T REALLY WANT ME THERE, DO YOU?

I'D HAVE TO BE CHEMICALLY DEPENDENT JUST TO SHOW UP.

I'LL BE DRUNK, I'LL BE BORED,

NOT TO MENTION BETTER-LOOKING THAN THE BRIDES.

I'LL OFFEND ALL THE DYKES, I'LL HECKLE THE CEREMONY,

TABLE-DANCE AT THE RECEPTION,

AND INEVITABLY FUCK EVERY GOOD-LOOKING GUY,

GAY, STRAIGHT, OR UNDECIDED IN THE PLACE.

FINALLY, I'LL PASS OUT NAKED, BITCHING ABOUT THE CHEAP BOOZE.

YOU'LL LOSE YOUR DIGNITY, YOUR FRIENDS, AND YOUR SHIRTS

PAYING FOR THE DAMAGES.

HELL, I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR

GETTING OUT OF TOWN.

both: HAVE A SAFE TRIP. [Gus babbles]

- [sighs]

I CAN'T GO ON.

WE'VE WALKED, HOW FAR?

100 BLOCKS IN, WHAT, 100 HOURS?

- TRY TWO BLOCKS IN ABOUT 11 MINUTES.

- OH.

SEEMS A LOT LONGER WHEN YOU'RE SHOPPING FOR LESBIANS.

- I STILL SAY A WEDDING GIFT SHOULD BE SOMETHING ROMANTIC.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS.

- LINGERIE?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID "ROMANTIC"?

YOU WANT TO GET TWO DYKES A ROMANTIC GIFT?

GET THEM THIS.

- POWER TOOLS? THAT'S ROMANTIC?

- FOR DYKES THEY ARE.

[laughter]

OH, AND FOR ONLY $499,

THESE BEAUTIES ARE A STEAL.

- ONLY? I CAN BARELY AFFORD A SCREW.

- WELL, FORTUNATELY, YOU HAVE BEN.

I'LL COVER IT, WE'LL JUST SAY IT'S FROM BOTH OF US.

- I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT. - I CAN AFFORD IT.

[cell phone chirps]

OH, SHIT.

SHIT. - WHAT?

- I'D BETTER GET BACK TO THE STUDIO.

I'VE GOT A THREE-WAY AT HALF PAST 4:00.

OR IS IT A FOUR-WAY AT HALF PAST 3:00?

I CAN'T REMEMBER. HERE. TAKE THIS.

- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET,

THE POWER TOOLS OR THE LINGERIE? - YOU DECIDE.

WHATEVER YOU PICK, I'M SURE IT'LL BE THE PERFECT GIFT.

BYE.

[tribal music]

*

- HELLO, MON!

WELCOME.

COME TAKE A LOOK HERE.

- THESE ARE AMAZING. WHERE ARE THEY FROM?

- FROM A LITTLE COUNTRY IN AFRICA RIGHT NEXT TO CHAD.

IT'S CALLED CHUCK.

MY PEOPLE HAVE LIVED THERE FOR CENTURIES

IN PEACE AND HARMONY, MAKING LOVE AND ART.

- HMM.

- ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?

HER NAME IS HAZA-RI,

GODDESS OF LOVE AND PRIDE.

- HOW MUCH IS SHE?

- $600.

- I ONLY HAVE $500.

- THAT WOULD BE IN $600 CHUCK DOLLARS,

$500 AMERICAN.

*

- COMPETITION: WORLD CLASS.

WARDROBE: CRUCIAL.

MARGIN FOR ERROR: ZERO.

SO LONG, PITTSBURGH. HELLO, MIAMI VICE.

- I THOUGHT YOUR ALL-EXPENSE PAID FUCK FEST

WAS JUST FOR THE WEEKEND.

- WELL, EACH PARTY HAS ITS OWN THEME

AND A STRICT DRESS CODE.

THE WHITE PARTY--

15,000 HORNY QUEERS ALL IN WHITE.

- I'LL BE BUSY, TOO.

I HAVE A PAPER DUE ON RENAISSANCE ART.

- THEN THERE'S THE MUSCLE BEACH PARTY.

- THEN THERE'S THE LAUNDRY.

AND OF COURSE THE WEDDING.

- AND I MUSTN'T FORGET THE CABANA BOY CONTEST.

- I HAVE TO REMEMBER TO WRITE MY GRANDMOTHER.

- FUCK.

I'VE GOT DICK-ALL TO WEAR TO THE WHITE DAWN BASH.

- WILL YOU EVEN NEED CLOTHES BY THEN?

- NOT IF YOU'VE GOT ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.

- YOU'RE TAKING ME?

- IF YOU CAN TEAR YOURSELF AWAY

FROM YOUR GRANNY'S LETTER.

- OH, THANK YOU!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

SHIT! WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR?

- * WHAT DO YOU ASK OF ME?

* I ASK ONLY

* THAT YOU DANCE

*

- YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT I GOT THEM.

WHAT WE GOT THEM. - WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT IS IT?

- NO, YOU'LL SEE, IT'S A SURPRISE.

WHAT'D YOU GET THEM?

- THE BEST GIFT OF ALL-- MY ABSENCE.

- ALL RIGHT, JUDGES.

TIME TO MAKE YOUR FINAL DECISION.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING THREE CHOICES WILL IT BE?

- WELL, IF YOU CHOOSE NUMBER ONE,

YOU'LL LOOK EXACTLY LIKE, UH...

MICHAEL.

- GO WITH NUMBER TWO. - SHH.

- YOU'LL LOOK JUST LIKE THE REAR END

OF A '72 IMPALA.

- NUMBER THREE'S PERT AND PERKY.

THOUGH IT MIGHT BE TOO SMALL FOR THE REST OF YOUR FEATURES.

- PERHAPS I NEED AN ARTIST'S OPINION.

JUSTIN, WHICH DO YOU FIND TO BE

MOST AESTHETICALLY PLEASING?

- [chuckles]

- THIS ONE.

IT SUCCESSFULLY INTEGRATES FORM AND FUNCTION

INTO AN ELEGANT WHOLE, BUT AT THE SAME TIME,

IT'S IN GOOD TASTE.

- HE DOESN'T WANT AN ASS WITH GOOD TASTE.

HE WANTS AN ASS THAT TASTES GOOD.

- THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

WELL, BOYS, SHALL WE DANCE?

- I NEED MY BEAUTY REST FOR THE WHITE PARTY.

- NOW THAT YOU'RE OVER 30,

SHOULDN'T YOU BE GOING TO THE GRAY PARTY?

- YOU SHOULD BE GOING

TO MELANIE AND LINDSAY'S WEDDING.

- YOU'LL BE THERE, YOU CAN CRY FOR BOTH OF US.

* DANCE

*

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

EVERY TIME SOMETHING BIG HAPPENS,

MY MOVING AWAY, YOUR FUCKING 30TH BIRTHDAY PARTY,

YOU PULL THE ELUSIVE BRIAN KINNEY BIT AND BAIL.

WHY IS THAT?

- YOU KNOW, IF THAT'S A RHETORICAL QUESTION

NOT REQUIRING AN ANSWER,

PARDON ME WHILE I TAKE A LEAK.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IT IS?

I THINK YOU'RE AFRAID TO LET ANYONE KNOW

THAT YOU LOVE THEM,

THAT YOU HAVE FEELINGS LIKE THE REST OF US.

IT'S OKAY TO BE HUMAN, YOU KNOW.

- OKAY.

YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW THE REASON I BAIL?

THE TRUTH IS, I'D RATHER GET LAID.

- * DANCE

- WE DONE?

- DOES HE ALWAYS KISS YOU LIKE THAT?

- ABOUT FOUR TIMES A YEAR.

USUALLY WHEN HE'S REALLY DRUNK

OR HE WANTS ME TO SHUT UP.

- AH.

- I STICK IT AND SPIN.

OKAY? NOW WHEN IT'S READY,

YOU PLATE 'EM, YOU DROP THE TAB UNDER THE DISH,

YOU THROW IT HERE, AND THEN YOU RING THE BELL.

[bell rings] GOT IT?

- STICK IT, SPIN 'EM, DROP 'EM. [bell rings]

- WHAT'D I TELL YOU?

SHORT ORDERING'S NO DIFFERENT THAN BEING A CHEF.

- JUST FASTER.

- HEY, WE GOT HUSTLE IN OUR BLOOD.

OKAY, NOW I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU YOUR FIRST TIP.

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, DON'T PANIC.

JUST TAKE YOUR TIME, OKAY?

YOUR WORST IS FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH

FOR THIS JOINT.

OKAY?

- IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL.

HEY, DEBBIE. WE NEED A COUPLE OF BLACK COFFEES TO GO.

- THEY WERE SPECIALLY ENGRAVED

WITH OUR NAMES ON THEM AND EVERYTHING.

- I HATE TO TELL YOU, GALS,

BUT FOR THE HAPPY COUPLE,

YOU LOOK FUCKING MISERABLE.

- ROSENBERG'S JEWELRY CALLED.

THEY CAN'T FIND OUR WEDDING RINGS.

- YOU CAN USE MY NIPPLE RINGS.

LOADS OF SENTIMENTAL VALUE.

TO ME.

- THANKS, HONEY.

BUT IT JUST WOULDN'T BE THE SAME.

- LISTEN... - NO.

- WE'RE NOT GOING TO ALLOW MERCURY

OR ANYTHING ELSE TO FUCK UP OUR WEDDING.

EVERYTHING'S GOING AHEAD AS PLANNED.

- UH, NOT EXACTLY EVERYTHING.

- MORE GOOD NEWS?

- BRIAN INVITED ME TO THE WHITE PARTY.

- AND YOU SAID?

- THAT I'D GO.

IT'S A ONCE IN A LIFETIME THING.

- SO IS GETTING MARRIED.

'COURSE THERE ARE NO HARD BODIES.

NO DRUGS, NO THOUSANDS OF DICKS.

JUST TWO PEOPLE SAYING, "I DO."

YOU'RE RIGHT, HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY COMPARE?

- IT'S OKAY.

AFTER ALL JUSTIN'S BEEN THROUGH.

- YEAH, HE DESERVES A BREAK.

HAVE A GREAT TIME.

- [sighs]

- OH, THAT FUCKING BRIAN.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH HE'S NOT COMING, DOES HE HAVE TO POACH

OUR RING BEARER AS WELL?

- WHAT DOES IT MATTER? THERE ARE NO RINGS.

[cell phone rings] HEY, HONEY.

[phone beeps] HELLO?

- [woman speaking indistinctly on phone]

- I'M SORRY, WHAT?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. - IT MUST BE THE CATERER.

JO, WHAT KOSHER VEGAN DELICACY HAVE YOU WHIPPED UP?

- I'M SORRY.

- OH, WAIT. LISTEN, YOU BLEEDING ASSHOLE!

I'M A LAWYER, WE HAVE A CONTRACT, WE'LL SUE.

- SUE? - OH, THAT WORD YOU UNDERSTAND.

[phone beeps[ - SOMETHING WRONG?

THE CATERER AND THE HALL

HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN BY THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT,

FOR SALMONELLA POISONING.

- [laughs mockingly]

IS THAT ALL? IS THAT ALL. - IS THAT ALL? IS THAT ALL?

WE HAVE NO FOOD, WE HAVE NO PLACE TO EAT THE FOOD.

- [hyperventilating]

OKAY, IF YOU DON'T MIND,

I THINK I'LL LIE DOWN FOR A BIT, OKAY?

- YEAH. - [rapid panting]

- YOU SPENT $500-- MY $500 ON THAT?

- IT WAS A STEAL.

- YEAH, AND I'M THE ONE THAT GOT ROBBED.

LOOK, JUST TAKE IT BACK.

- I CAN'T TAKE IT BACK.

WHAT STORE DID YOU BUY IT AT?

- I DIDN'T GET IT AT A STORE.

- WHERE'D YOU GET IT?

- OFF A BLANKET.

- A BLANKET?

YOU BOUGHT LINDSAY AND MELANIE'S WEDDING GIFT

FROM SOME STREET CORNER SHYSTER?

- IT'S FROM CHUCK.

IT'S A LITTLE COUNTRY NEXT TO CHAD.

- CHUCK? CHAD? THEY SOUND LIKE A COUPLE OF HOMOS.

- IT'S THE PERFECT GIFT.

- PERFECTLY HIDEOUS. - IT'S A WORK OF ART!

- IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT.

- IT'S SYMBOLIC OF LOVE AND PRIDE.

- IT'S SYMBOLIC OF STUPIDITY AND BAD TASTE.

- YOU TAKE THAT BACK.

- I CAN'T. I GOT IT OFF A BLANKET.

- LOOK, THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO BUY A GIFT,

BUY IT YOURSELF.

- THAT'S WHAT I WAS COUNTING ON YOU FOR.

- YEAH, YOU WERE TOO BUSY BRINGING JOY TO THE WORLD.

- LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I'M A SUCCESS--

- YOU CAN TAKE YOUR SUCCESS

AND SHOVE IT.

AND I'M SURE YOU WON'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE

FIGURING OUT WHERE.

- YEAH, I'LL JUST ASK CHUCK AND CHAD.

- I'M SORRY, GEORGE.

I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

- BUT IT'S SUCH A...

BEAUTIFUL BOTTOM.

- IT'LL DO IN A PINCH.

- I'LL SAY.

BESIDES, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

I MEAN, PLASTIC SURGERY IS JUST FOR FOOLISH OLD MEN

WHO REFUSE TO GROW OLD GRACEFULLY.

- WHAT ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON?

AND ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND CHER?

- WELL, I CAN'T SPEAK FOR THEIR BACKSIDES,

ONLY YOURS.

- THANK YOU.

BUT IN MY WORLD, IF YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU

JUST STEPPED OUT OF A CALVIN KLEIN UNDERWEAR AD,

YOU'RE NOTHING.

- WELL, THAT'S A WORLD I'M HAPPY NOT TO KNOW.

- NOT TO MENTION,

IT'LL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, RAISE MY SELF-ESTEEM.

- WELL, MY WIFE VIRGINIA FELT SIMILARLY.

HAD HERSELF SNIPPED AND CLIPPED, EYES TO THIGHS.

SWORE IT WOULD CHANGE HER LIFE TOO.

- AND DID IT?

- SHE WAS THE SAME MISERABLE CUNT SHE ALWAYS WAS.

ONLY WITHOUT THE WRINKLES.

NOW EMMETT...

FORGIVE ME.

BUT ANYONE WHO VALUES THEMSELVES BECAUSE OF THEIR ASS...

IS AN ASS.

[overlapping chatter]

- OH, I'M SO SORRY YOU'RE STILL WAITING.

MORE COFFEE? IT'S ON THE HOUSE.

NO? OKAY.

UM, YOUR ORDER IS NEXT, I PROMISE YOU.

- ALL I WANT IS A HAMBURGER!

- YOUR ORDER HAS BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS,

SO DON'T GIVE ME THOSE DIRTY LOOKS.

[dishes clatter]

- HEY, DEBBIE, WHAT'S UP WITH MY ORDER?

[bell rings]

- HEY!

I HAVE GOT ORDERS COMING OUT MY ASS,

A ROOM FULL OF HUNGRY HOMICIDALS,

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY CLEAN PLATES

TO DO MY SET-UPS WITH.

WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON BACK HERE?

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL.

I'M RIGHT HERE.

- WELL, YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD DO A GRILLED CHEESE

IN UNDER AN HOUR?

- YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE MY TIME. - DEBBIE!

- I DIDN'T MEAN YOUR FUCKING LIFETIME.

- [sighs] THAT DOES IT.

- EXCUSE ME. - WHO AM I KIDDING?

- EXCUSE ME! - I CAN'T DO THIS.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

HOME.

- YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS.

- YOU'RE BETTER OFF.

I'M USELESS. I'M WORSE THAN USELESS.

I'M RIDICULOUS. - TEN MORE MINUTES, I PROMISE.

- WE'RE HUNGRY!

- HONEY, THERE IS NO WAY WE CAN SQUEEZE

THAT MANY GUESTS INTO OUR HOUSE.

- BABY, WE CAN MOVE ALL THE FURNITURE INTO THE GARAGE.

- LAMBSKIN, YOU'D HAVE MY 1,000-YEAR-OLD AUNT

STAND ALL NIGHT?

- PUDDING PIE, SHE HAS A WALKER.

SHE CAN LEAN.

- AND WHAT IF, SOMEHOW,

MY LITTLE LOVE BUTTON,

WE MANAGE TO OVERCOME THE LAWS OF PHYSICAL SCIENCE

AND PACK 'EM ALL IN?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO SEE

BESIDES EACH OTHERS' NOSE HAIR?

- YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO MAKE THIS WORK.

- AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO MAKE SENSE.

- THERE'S NO NEED TO BE ABUSIVE.

- I WASN'T BEING ABUSIVE.

I WAS MERELY EXPRESSING...

FRUSTRATION.

- SO NOW I'M FRUSTRATING?

- I DIDN'T SAY THAT. [groans]

[knock on door]

- CLEANING'S HERE. AH.

- YOURS, MEL.

AND WHAT WAS YOURS, LINZ.

APPARENTLY THE DRY-CLEANING SOLUTION WAS TOO--

- THERE'S NO NEED TO EXPLAIN.

AT THIS POINT IN THE PLOT, WE ALL GET IT.

- BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS,

THEY GAVE YOU $100 WORTH OF COUPONS.

- HURRAY.

- WE WILL FIND YOU SOMETHING ELSE TO WEAR, BOO-BOO.

AND WE WILL HAVE OUR BEAUTIFUL,

SPECIAL FUCKING DAY, GODDAMN IT!

EVEN IF WE HAVE TO DO IT NUDE IN THE BACKYARD.

[thunder rumbles]

[Gus crying]

- OR MAYBE WE CAN FACE REALITY.

MYSTERIOUS MARILYN WAS RIGHT.

- OH, NOT THAT MERCURY IN RETROGRADE SHIT AGAIN.

- OUR WEDDING'S BEEN METHODICALLY

AND SYSTEMATICALLY DECONSTRUCTED.

IF YOU ASK ME, SOMEBODY UP THERE

DOESN'T THINK WE SHOULD GET MARRIED.

MAYBE THERE'S A REASON.

MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE US...

AREN'T SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED.

- "LIKE US"?

- DO YOU NEED THE ROOF TO CAVE IN?

[crying continues]

[eerie music]

*

- YOU KNOW, I'M REMINDED OF A SCENE FROM ALIEN.

ONE OF THE GREAT AIDS METAPHOR FLICKS OF ALL TIME.

OUR INTREPID INTERGALACTIC GARBAGE COLLECTORS,

LED BY UBER-BITCH DYKE RIPLEY,

AFTER WHO YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY MODELED YOURSELF,

ARE SNUGGLED SAFELY IN THEIR SLEEP PODS

FOR THE LONG RIDE HOME

WHEN SUDDENLY THE MONSTER APPEARS.

- THE WEDDING'S OFF.

- YOU TWO HAVE FINALLY COME TO YOUR SENSES?

THAT'S ALMOST REASON ENOUGH

TO INTERRUPT MY BASE COAT.

BUT NOT QUITE.

- IT'S BECAUSE OF LINDSAY.

SHE-- [sobs]

SHE...

- SHE WHAT?

- WITH ALL THE DISASTERS AND MYSTERIOUS MARILYN,

MERCURY IN RETROGRADE AND THE RINGS AND THE FOOD

AND THE HALL AND THE DRESS,

SHE THINKS THE WEDDING'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN BECAUSE--

BECAUSE WE'RE GAY.

- CHRIST.

SEND IN A DYKE TO DO A FAGGOT'S WORK.

WE HAVE PRECISELY 21 HOURS

TO GET THE MUNCHERS MARRIED.

- WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? - WE CAN'T DO THAT.

- NOBODY KNOWS WEDDING SHIT BETTER THAN QUEERS.

WE'RE THE FLORISTS, THE CATERERS,

THE PLANNERS, THE DESIGNERS.

THE SERVERS, THE PERFORMERS, EVEN FUCKING PRIESTS.

- HE MEANS THAT LITERALLY.

- IF ANYBODY CAN DO IT, WE CAN.

AND WE WILL, IN TIME FOR ME TO MAKE MY FLIGHT.

- DON'T YOU THINK THIS IS AWFULLY AMBITIOUS?

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE IT UP

TO EVERYBODY ELSE SO YOU CAN CRITICIZE?

- IF WE LEFT IT UP TO YOU,

THEY'D BE GETTING MARRIED ON A BLANKET

ON A STREET CORNER. - YO, BITCHES,

TEAR EACH OTHER'S HAIR OUT LATER.

I DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO IT,

BUT YOU TWO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR STAFFING,

FLOWERS, AND DECORATIONS.

- EMMETT, YOU FIND US A PLACE.

- OH, HOW ABOUT THE LIBERTY BATHS?

THEY HAVE A FABULOUS PARTY ROOM.

- DEB, YOU PULL TOGETHER SOMETHING FOR LINZ TO WEAR.

- I'D LOVE TO.

OH, I CAN JUST SEE IT WITH ITS FLOWERS

AND BOWS AND RUFFLES AND--

MAYBE SOMETHING MORE SIMPLE.

- VIC, YOU'RE UP FOR THE CAKE.

- NO, MY COOKING'S A RECIPE FOR DISASTER.

- HE'D BE GREAT...

IF THEY WERE GETTING MARRIED A YEAR FROM NOW.

- DON'T WORRY, VIC. I'LL HELP YOU.

- OKAY, GREAT. GET TO WORK.

- NOW HOLD IT, KINNEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M GETTING MY BEAUTY REST. BYE-BYE.

- [laughs]

[overlapping chatter]

- OH, NOT TONIGHT, DEAR. I'M SAVING MYSELF FOR MIAMI.

- CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG,

BUT I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T GIVE

A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS,

THAT YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT GETTING LAID.

- I JUST NEVER WANT TO HEAR THE WORD "WEDDING" AGAIN.

- YOU'RE PATHETIC.

- OH, EMMETT, DO YOU WANT TO GO WITH ME

TO GET MATERIAL?

- UH, HELLO. ZANZIBAR. YEAH.

YES, I'D LIKE TO BOOK A WEDDING IN YOUR PRIVATE ROOM.

- YES, OF COURSE. WE CAN DO THAT, NO PROBLEM.

- YOU CAN? OH, YOU CAN.

OH, GOD. WONDERFUL.

OKAY. RIGHT, WELL, THAT WILL BE FOR ABOUT 80.

MM-HMM. RIGHT. TONIGHT.

- TONIGHT? [laughs]

[phone beeps]

- ANY LUCK?

- I HAVE TRIED "A" THROUGH "Z."

I'M AFRAID THERE IS NO SUCH THING

AS AN INSTANT WEDDING.

- IF I MAY MAKE A SUGGESTION?

- BE MY WEDDING GUEST.

- WELL, IT'S NOT VERY TRENDY,

BUT THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

[classical music]

*

- HOLY XANADU.

- WELL, LAST TIME IT WAS USED,

IT WAS MY DAUGHTER FRANKIE'S WEDDING.

- "FRANKIE"?

- YEAH, VIRGINIA NAMED HER AFTER HAMMOND MEATS'

MOST POPULAR PRODUCT.

[chuckles]

GOSH, IT WAS ONE OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

- WELL, IT SOUNDS TO ME, HONEY,

LIKE THIS PLACE IS DUE FOR A PARTY.

- I COULDN'T THINK OF A MORE APPROPRIATE OCCASION

THAN YOUR FRIENDS' WEDDING.

I'LL FILL THIS ROOM WITH EXOTIC FLOWERS.

I'LL BRING IN THE PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY.

I'M ON THE BOARD. - UM--

THAT'S VERY KIND, AS USUAL.

BUT I'D KIND OF LIKE TO TAKE CARE OF THIS MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, GIVE MEL AND LINDSAY THE MOST FABULOUS WEDDING

TWO GIRLS EVER HAD.

- THAT'S ALSO VERY KIND. AS USUAL.

HOW CAN YOU AFFORD TO?

- MY TUSH FUND.

- YOU'D BURST YOUR BUBBLE-BUTT DREAM?

- WELL, IF YOU DON'T MIND A BUMPY RIDE,

I THINK THIS OLD THING'S GOT A FEW MORE MILES ON IT.

- OH, MY GOD.

[both laugh] - MWAH.

- THANK YOU.

NOW, I HAVE TO GET STARTED.

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN UP TO MY TITS

IN TULLE AND TWINKLING LIGHTS HOURS AGO!

[giggles]

[sewing machine whirs]

- OH, SHIT!

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- NOTHING.

[cup clatters] FUCK!

- NOW WHAT?

- IT'S ME, DEB. I'M A KLUTZ.

- YOU'D THINK I'D NEVER SET FOOT IN A KITCHEN BEFORE.

- YOU JUST NEED TO RELAX.

- IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

I'VE BEEN OUT OF THE WORLD TOO LONG.

I CAN'T GO BACK.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU CAN'T.

CHRIST, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS MESS.

YOU ARE THE FUCKING SADDEST HARD-LUCK CASE

I HAVE EVER SEEN.

- DEBBIE. - GET BACK IN YOUR ROBE, HUH?

OR BETTER YET, FIND A TRAIN TO FALL UNDER.

AT LEAST I'D GET THE INSURANCE.

SUNSHINE, GET YOUR JACKET. LET'S GO.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- WHERE DO YOU THINK?

TO THE BAKERY.

YOU PROMISED THE GIRLS

A WEDDING CAKE, DIDN'T YOU?

- YOU CAN'T JUST STROLL INTO A BAKERY

AND BUY A WEDDING CAKE, THEY'RE MADE SPECIAL.

- SO, WE'LL GET 'EM A BON VOYAGE CAKE

OR A BIRTHDAY CAKE

OR A FUCKING BAR MITZVAH CAKE!

ANY CAKE WILL BE BETTER THAN THE DRIED-OUT BRICK

THAT YOU'RE PLANNING.

- HOW DARE YOU CALL MY HAZELNUT BUTTERCREAM

A DRIED-OUT BRICK?

- [humming]

- YOU DID ALL THAT ON PURPOSE, DIDN'T YOU?

- HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT HIM TO LIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

I JUST KEPT SCREAMING, "SO FUCKING DIE ALREADY!"

WORKED LIKE A CHARM.

- HE NEVER FIGURED IT OUT?

- APPARENTLY NOT.

- JUSTIN,

I NEED THESE EGG WHITES BEATEN.

- AND AS FOR YOU...

YOU WANT TO GROW UP TO BE ANOTHER BRIAN KINNEY?

ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY FROM LOVE, NEVER TOWARDS IT?

THEN YOU GO TO MIAMI

AND YOU FUCK YOUR LITTLE TWINKIE BRAINS OUT.

BUT IT'S NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU HAPPY.

- [chuckles] NICE TRY, DEBBIE.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ON TO ME.

BUT ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK BACK,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET THAT YOU DIDN'T GO TO THE WEDDING...

WITH YOUR FAMILY.

AND THAT'S THE TRUTH, SUNSHINE.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

- FRENCH TOAST WITH FRESH STRAWBERRIES.

BACON CRUMBLES AND REAL MAPLE SYRUP.

COFFEE MADE WITH THE REALLY GOOD BEANS.

AND PEACHES WITH THE SKIN PEELED OFF

'CAUSE THE LITTLE HAIRS MAKE YOUR TEETH ITCH.

- NO, THANKS.

- BABY, PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO EAT.

- WHAT FOR?

- YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR STRENGTH UP TO FEEL MISERABLE.

HAVE A STRAWBERRY.

- NO.

- COME ON, BOO-BOO. ONE LITTLE BITE.

- STOP IT! - STOP WHAT?

- BEING SO SWEET.

- I CAN'T HELP IT.

COMPULSIVE ADORABLE DISORDER.

- ALL RIGHT, GET UP.

- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- COME ON, MOVE YOUR ASSES.

- WHAT FOR? - YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED.

- HUH? [shrieks]

- COME ON, GET OUT.

COME ON, GET OUT. - WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?

- GET OUT, GET OUT. - WHAT'S GOING ON?

- MS. MARCUS, MS. PETERSON.

WELCOME TO YOUR WEDDING.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE OUR GRACIOUS HOST,

MY DEAR, DEAR FRIEND, GEORGE SCHICKEL.

both: SCHICKEL'S PICKLES?

- THE PLEASURE'S MINE. AND MY HOME IS YOURS TODAY.

- OKAY, ENOUGH CHAT. YOU'RE BOTH DUE IN HAIR AND MAKE-UP,

SO LET'S GET A MOVE ON.

[overlapping chatter]

- GO!

- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU'RE NOT BRINGING THAT HIDEOUS THING IN HERE.

- I MOST CERTAINLY AM.

- NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.

- WELL, WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT?

- I'M THE ONE WHO PAID FOR THAT WASTE OF WOOD.

- WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I'M GONNA PAY YOU BACK AND I'M GONNA GIVE IT

TO THE GIRLS MYSELF.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? - I THINK YOU'RE AN IDIOT

FOR PICKING IT OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- WELL, I THINK YOU'RE A DICKHEAD

FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT.

- BOYS. BOYS.

WE STILL SQUABBLING OVER THE SILLY STATUE?

GOD, SHE MUST HAVE BEEN TO DR. BEAMER.

- AH, YOU SEE? EMMETT AGREES. IT'S AN ABOMINATION.

- I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY

IT'S NOT WORTH DESTROYING YOUR FRIENDSHIP OVER.

- NO, NO, DEBBIE, I DO MY OWN HAIR.

- I CAN TELL. - [laughs]

- YOU NEED MORE BELLA DONNA.

LESS BITCHY BUTCHY. COME ON.

- NEXT THING, YOU'LL HAVE ME WEARING

A POINTY BRA AND LIPLINER.

- HOW COULD YOU GUESS, SWEETHEART?

[laughter]

- OH, HEY, BRIAN! BRIAN!

- BRIAN.

- I'M THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE SCREAMING.

- AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE OFF SOMEWHERE

STICKING YOUR PINA IN SOME COLADA?

- I NEED A FEW MINUTES WITH THE BRIDES.

ALONE.

- YOU MAKE IT FAST, HUH?

I GOTTA GET 'EM DRESSED.

- I HEAR YOU'RE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT LYING ASSHOLE TOLD YOU THAT,

BUT I SUPPOSE A MAN IN MY POSITION

HAS TO ENDURE SUCH ATTACKS AGAINST HIS CHARACTER.

HERE. - [laughs] OH, MY GOSH.

OH, MY GOD, BRIAN. - OH.

THEY'RE EXACTLY LIKE THE ONES OUR JEWELERS LOST.

- [laughs] COMPLETE WITH THE INSCRIPTION.

- HEY, DON'T GET MOIST.

- I'M GONNA CALL THE SITTER

AND MAKE SURE GUS IS ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THE GUYS PULLED ALL THIS TOGETHER

AT THE LAST MINUTE.

SO ARE YOU PACKED?

- TOOTHPASTE AND UNDIES.

- EXCITED?

- MY PECKER'S ALL A-TWITTER.

- [laughs]

CAN YOU HELP ME BUTTON THIS UP HERE?

- OH, YEAH.

- ISN'T IT AMAZING?

DEBBIE JUST WHIPPED IT UP

WITH THE HELP OF SOME MICE AND BLUEBIRDS.

- OH, YEAH. WELL, I'M SORRY I WON'T BE THERE TO SEE YOU

GLIDE DOWN THE AISLE.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A FABULOUS TIME.

HEY, WE'LL BOTH BE IN WHITE. - YEAH.

- JUST BE CAREFUL.

- LINDSAY.

IT'S YOUR WEDDING PRESENT.

ALL-EXPENSE PAID TRIP FOR TWO TO MIAMI.

I TRADED IT IN FOR A LATER FLIGHT.

HAVE A HONEYMOON. I'LL TAKE CARE OF GUS.

- BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.

YOU SAID YOURSELF YOU'D GET DRUNK,

MAKE A SCENE, PASS OUT NUDE.

- WILL YOU JUST TAKE THE FUCKING TICKETS?

- NO!

I WANT YOU TO GO.

IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT FOR YOU TO STAY.

BRIAN KINNEY SACRIFICING FOR OTHERS,

TRAPPED IN A HIDEOUS DISPLAY OF SENTIMENTALITY.

I'D LOSE ALL FAITH, ALL HOPE.

WHAT KIND OF GIFT IS THAT?

I WANT YOU TO FUCK LOTS OF BEAUTIFUL GUYS.

NO APOLOGIES.

NO REGRETS.

IT'S THE BEST GIFT YOU COULD GIVE ME,

KNOWING YOU'RE HAPPY.

I LOVE YOU TOO, BRIAN.

- THIS MARRIAGE STUFF IS KIND OF COOL.

IN FACT, I WAS THINKING MAYBE SOMEDAY--

- WHAT, YOU AND I?

- YEAH, STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.

- NOT REALLY.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A GOOD FUCKING ON THE BEACH.

- HEY,

I CAN'T GO.

- YOU FORGOT YOUR BAIN DE SOLEIL.

- I WANT TO GO TO THE WEDDING.

- FOR LINDSAY AND MELANIE?

- FOR ME.

I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT.

I WANT TO SEE THEIR FACES WHEN THEY SAY "I DO,"

GIVE EMMETT KLEENEX, CONSOLE DEBBIE.

YOU KNOW SHE'S GOING TO BE A MESS.

- SO YOU'RE STANDING ME UP TO SEE TWO DYKES TIE THE KNOT?

- YEAH. I GUESS I AM.

YOU ANGRY?

- I THINK YOU'RE A SELFISH, HEARTLESS ASSHOLE.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

[romantic music]

*

- FRIENDS, FAMILY,

WELCOME TO THE CELEBRATION OF THE LOVING, LIFETIME COMMITMENT

OF MELANIE AND LINDSAY.

THEY'VE ASKED ME TO THANK YOU FOR BEARING WITNESS

TO TODAY'S CEREMONY

AND TO JOIN THEM IN RECOGNIZING IT

AS A TRUE AND BINDING EXPRESSION

OF THEIR DEVOTION TO ONE ANOTHER.

MELANIE.

- HONEY...

[clears throat]

I WASN'T SURE WE'D MAKE IT HERE TODAY.

BUT THANKS TO OUR FRIENDS--

OR I SHOULD SAY, OUR FAMILY,

NOT EVEN THE STARS OR THE PLANETS COULD KEEP US

FROM EXCHANGING OUR VOWS.

I LOVE YOU, LINDSAY PETERSON.

I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU,

I WILL PROTECT YOU.

YOU ARE MY BESHERT.

- LINDSAY.

- MELANIE,

WITH SO MUCH LOVE AND SUPPORT AROUND US,

I REALLY DO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS NO OBSTACLE,

NO PROBLEM WE CAN'T OVERCOME.

TOGETHER

IN FRIENDSHIP AND IN LOVE.

OUR HEARTS WILL BE ETERNALLY UNITED.

I LOVE YOU, MELANIE MARCUS.

- MAY I HAVE THE RINGS?

- HMM.

- MELANIE,

DO YOU TAKE LINDSAY TO BE YOUR WIFE?

- I DO.

LINDSAY, DO YOU TAKE MELANIE TO BE YOUR WIFE?

- I DO.

- BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME,

BY THE LOVE AND FAITH OF THOSE ASSEMBLED,

I DECLARE TO THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE MARRIED IN OUR EYES.

YOU CAN SEAL THIS WITH A LITTLE SUCK-FACE.

[laughter]

- * ALL THE SORROWS

* WE CAN NAME

* ARE FAR AWAY AND HIDING NOW *

* I KNOW

* I KNOW IT'S POSSIBLE

* LOVE CAN WIN AND WE ARE ONE *

* AND NEVER FORGET

* THIS IS WHAT WE SHARE

* LOVE IS POSSIBLE

- WHAT WAS I THINKING, BUYING THEM THAT AWFUL STATUE?

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.

IT--IT--I WAS WRONG.

IT WAS THE PERFECT GIFT. - IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT.

- NO, IT'S A WORK OF ART.

- WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO WITH AN AFRICAN LOVE GODDESS?

- THEY'LL LOOK AT IT AND SAY,

"OUR FRIENDS MICHAEL AND TED

GAVE THIS TO US BECAUSE THEY LOVE US."

- AND THEN THEY'LL STICK IT IN THE GARAGE.

- [laughs] AND THEY'LL STICK IT IN THE GARAGE.

- COME ON.

[cheers and applause]

[both giggle]

- THIS IS DELICIOUS.

- MY HAZELNUT BUTTERCREAM IS A HIT.

- I NEVER HAD A DOUBT.

- WELL, FOR A WHILE THERE, I WASN'T SURE

I STILL HAD THE INGREDIENTS.

- IF YOU EVER NEED YOUR PANTRY RESTOCKED,

JUST HOLLER. [glasses clink]

- ATTENTION!

ATTENTION, EVERYONE.

AS HONORARY MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES,

IT IS MY PLEASURE TO ANNOUNCE THE THROWING OF THE BOUQUET.

YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

YOU CATCH IT, YOU'RE NEXT.

[excited chatter]

- BACK OF THE ROOM, KID. - [giggles]

- NO! NO!

- GET IN THERE, COME ON, MIKEY.

- READY?

[drum roll]

- READY!

[cheering]

[Celeda's Let the Music Use You Up]

*

[fireworks whistling]

*

- * LET THE MUSIC LET THE MUSIC *

* LET THE MUSIC LET THE MUSIC *

* LET THE MUSIC USE YOU UP

* USE YOU UP

* LET THE MUSIC USE YOU UP

* USE YOU UP

* LET THE MUSIC USE YOU UP

* USE YOU UP

* LET THE MUSIC USE YOU UP

* USE YOU UP

* LET THE MUSIC USE YOU UP

* USE YOU UP

* LET THE MUSIC USE YOU UP

* USE YOU UP

* LET THE MUSIC USE YOU UP

* HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY

* OH

*

* USE YOU UP

* USE YOU UP

* USE YOU UP

* USE YOU UP

* YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO

* THIS DANCE IS FOR YOU

* LET'S TAKE IT

* 'CAUSE IT'S ALL UP TO YOU

* LET THE MUSIC POUND AND POUND *

* TELL THE RHYTHM TO PULL YOU DOWN *

* ON THE FLOOR

* ON THE FLOOR

* LET THE MUSIC USE YOU UP

* LET IT USE YOU

* LET THE MUSIC USE YOU UP

* HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY

* OH

* LET THE MUSIC POUND AND POUND *

* TELL THE RHYTHM TO PULL YOU DOWN *

* ON THE FLOOR

* ON THE FLOOR

*

* ON THE FLOOR

* HEY

*

* ON THE FLOOR