Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- Damn, Dee. - What?

What'd you do? Get a La-Z-Boy to go with your lazy ass?

No.

This belongs to the psychiatrist

who's moving in today.

- Word? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, guys, you can take that up to the 16th floor

and then put the box of books in the reception area.

Thanks.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's going on, light skin?

I'm Shawn Williams.

You must be the new psychiatrist.

Yes, I am. I'm Dr. Dawn Cook.

Oh, a doctor?

What a coincidence, I'm a doctor too.

I crack backs.

Oh, you're a chiropractor.

Nah. I just crack backs.

Well, you're kind of cute.

Too bad you suffer from a post adolescent impulse fixation.

Oh, you gonna try and play me..

So what do you know about her?

What makes you think I'd know anything about her

I just met her.

Come on, huggy bear.

What's the word on the street?

Well, she's a workaholic, she's divorced.

Currently has no children or boyfriend.

I can handle that.

And her newest patient is a man

who's an exhibitionist.

How you know?

He showed me his exhibition.

- Whatcha doing, peoples? - Hey!

- Yo, what's up, baby boy? - What's up, Shawn?

- Yo, kid, what's going on? - Chilling, B.

- Ay, man. - Yo! What's up?

You just missed the finest girl, yo.

- Oh, word? - This girl was banging, yo.

She's marriage material.

Sexy, cute, smart

and professional.

Word?

You wanna marry a prostitute?

Yo, what's up? Can I get a family discount or what?

Not that kind of professional.

Oh, well, whoever you seen

ain't messing with the chick I seen this morning.

- Son, this broad wasbanging. - She's a dime?

Oh, my God, and booty for days.

- This wentra-pow! - Really?

Oh, my God! Uh, Shawn, I'mma kick it to her.

Okay, well, that's dope. Then maybe we could double date.

You know, we'll go Dutch.

Dutch?

Shawn, now there a whole lot of nice restaurants

right here in New York City.

Why we gotta go to another state?

Oh, snap.

(Shawn and Marlon) There goes my girl right now.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

Now, you know, Marlon, uh, the girl that you like

looks an awful lot like the girl that I like.

I know, isn't that great?

We like twins!

Man, I hope I got the evil one.

You know they freaks, right?

- Marlon. - Yeah?

We both like the same girl.

I just want to let you know that you don't stand a chance

this lady, she's a psychiatrist.

She can throw her voice?

Not a ventriloquist. A psychiatrist.

Oh, you mean, like, Sigmund Freud.

The Austrian, 19th century, father of, uh, psychotherapy.

Wow. I'm impressed, kid.

I guess eight years of "Sesame Street" paid off.

Now, boys, you never let a woman come between you.

No, come on, pop, we'd never let nothing like that happen.

Well, you say that now, but my friend Ezekiel and I

fought over the same woman for many, many years.

And to date I curse his name.

Why? Because he won?

No, because I won.

That's how I got stuck with your mama.

Now...do you get the message?

Yeah, the message is stop hanging out

with brothers named Ezekiel.

Ay, Marlon, look, I just want to let you know, kid

out of love, if I was you

I wouldn't go up against your big brother.

Man, you crazy.

Once she gets a taste, she'll forget all about you.

Once she gets a taste of some of that good lovin'

that I gots to give her

forget today.

I could smash it and face the fire.

Yeah, that'll last about two minutes.

Two minutes? I ain't doing it twice.

Oh, there goes baby girl right now.

- I'mma go kick it to her. - Oh, look, Marlon!

- The Ninja Turtles! - Oh, wow! Cowabunga, dude.

- Hey, they ain't in here! - No!

- Get on.. - Get your..

(Marlon) Get off! Get off! Get off!

(Shawn) 'Get your behind in there. Stop it!'

(Marlon) 'No! No! Aah!'

[Marlon screaming]

Have fun on the 15th floor!

Hey, light skin.

Look, I just want to let you know..

Look, I'm sorry. Let's, let's start over again, okay?

I apologize for the way I acted earlier today.

Well, I guess everybody deserves a second chance.

You know, I was thinking about getting a therapist.

Really? Why?

'Cause I have this fear that you're gonna

walk into the elevator

and out of my life forever.

[chuckles] Well, I did take a oath

to help people overcome their fears.

So, um..

- Here's my card. - Thank you kindly.

So we gonna hook up this weekend, right?

You know, I-I'd really like to.

I mean, you're very sweet

but I just have so many patients

I just don't have the time.

Come on, girl.

You know more than anybody that

being overworked could lead to a lot of stress.

Now, let me take you out for a bite.

If my jaw don't hurt, then we'll go out to eat.

[chuckles]

Okay, okay. You got me. You got me.

I do have one day free. How about Friday at 1?

Friday at 1 it is. Alright.

I'mma take you tole metro.

Oh, that sounds fancy.

Nah, that's just French for Subway.

[chuckles]

You can get any sandwich you want

I got a coupon, girl.

- See you later. - Alright, I'll see you later.

[elevator dings]

You know what?

You suffer from post adolescent

impulse fixation syndrome.

You need help, brother.

Actually I got all the help I need right here, bro.

See, while you was on the elevator

I got a date with that psychiatrist.

I don't care, I'mma ask her out too.

- You can't. You ca.. - Come on, man.

- Why not? - No, you can't.

See, I got her last free day.

Friday at 1 o'clock. Ah-ha-haa!

Now, if you'll excuse me I gotta get home

and flip my mattress over to the good side.

Man, Dee. What's with that one free day?

Well, well, it's no secret she's a workaholic.

See, that's why I mess with chicks on welfare.

They always got time to chill.

Yeah, well, she's the kind

that puts her work ahead of everything.

Just like me.

Oh, listen, if you need me, I'll be in the lounge.

Gotta rock this machine.

Bag of Cheetos about to fall.

She's a workaholic, huh, Dee?

- 'Yeah.' - Okay.

Got it.

Hello, hi, yes.

Uh, I'd like to speak to Dr. Cook.

Oh, she's not there?

[sobbing] Well, can you tell her it's an emergency?

Yes, my name is Marlon Williams and..

...I need to make an appointment..

Oh, God! Excuse me.

[sobbing]

Nervous breakdown, I'm sorry.

I need to make an appointment for Friday around 1 o'clock.

Why 1?

Uh, because I'm gonna kill myself at 2.

Hi, I'm Shawn Williams

and I have an appointment with Dr. Cook.

Dr. Cook? Yes, there's a Mr. Williams here to see you.

Great.

You can't be that damn happy all the time.

Oh, Shawn. I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to cancel our lunch. I have a patient.

As, as a matter of fact when

my assistant told me that you were here

I thought it was..

...my patient.

- What? - You have the same last name.

But anyway, I-I'll reschedule, I promise.

- See you later. - Alright.

Marlon Williams.

Uh-huh.

A-a-ah.

Pretty good, little brother.

But you ain't no match for your big bro.

Now where are those psycho folders at?

Okay.

"Robert Downey Jr.

Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopez."

Ah, and "Martin Lawrence."

Well, here we go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, we'll see who gets the last laugh.

Okay, enough about your horrible brother.

Now...just calm yourself.

I'm gonna show you a few ink blots

and you're gonna tell me what you see, okay?

I see me and you..

...making love.

Wait until I show you one, Marlon.

Okay.

I see me and you making love at Jiffy Lube.

Marlon, can you try to think of something else

besides you and me making love?

Alright.

I see you and Halle Berry making love..

...at Jiffy Lube.

And that's me over there in the corner.

Video taping the whole thing with a camcorder.

Look, if you really want help you're gonna have to be serious.

Now when you called, you said it was urgent, but you don't

seem like you're in any real danger to me.

- So if you'll excuse-- - No, no, no.

You don't understand. I am in danger.

[sobbing]

You just don't understand.

Doctor, it's, it's just all depressed

in the subconscious of my medulla jasakata.

Marlon, I think you're trying to put one over on me.

[whispering] You just don't know, doctor.

It's not my fault.

- Well, who's fault is it? - I don't know, doctor.

It's just sometime I feel like..

...I feel like two different people.

Marlon, have you ever heard of a condition

where people have different personalities?

Um, what do you mean?

Let me put it this way.

Have you ever felt like you've had someone else inside of you?

Why? What have you heard?

He is lyin'. Yo, we was play fightin'.

It was all in fun, yo.

I'm, uh, I'm talking about Leroy.

Can you contact Leroy for me?

I don't know, you got his pager number?

I mean, Leroy..

...that other person that comes out sometimes.

Oh, Leroy.

You don't wanna contact Leroy. No, you can't.

[sobbing] Please, not Leroy.

Leroy is so evil.

[imitating Leroy] Who you callin' evil, you jive sucker.

No, Leroy. No, Leroy, stop.

Leroy is from the '70s.

Leroy, please.

I wasn't talkin' about you, man.

I was just talkin' to the doctor, that's all.

[imitating Leroy] I know who you is talking to, you jive-turkey-sucker fool.

Now come here, I'm about to release

a whole can of ass-whoopin' on you.

No, Leroy, please.

Please, Leroy, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, forgive me.

[imitating Leroy] Ain't no sorry.

I'm about to tear your ass up.

No, Leroy. Please, Leroy,no!

Leroy! Leroy!

'Help me, doctor. Ooh-ha!'

Help me, doctor, help me.

Help me, doctor!

Oh, oh, doctor, help me. Help me, please.

[grunts]

Down, turkey. Oh, you goin' down..

Oh, no. Help me, help me.

Doctor.. Doctor, please.

Please, doctor..

[imitating Leroy] I told you I'd catch up with you.

Now, I'mma smack you like one of my hoes.

Come here, come here.

[grunting]

[choking] Doctor, help me. Help me.

Pull him by his afro Pull him by his afro.

No, just hold me.

Listen, if you hold me

Le-Leroy can't get to me.

He's, he's scared of, he's scared of your booty.

He's allergic to it.

- Okay, just, just calm down. - Okay.

Calm down, just, just, just, sit right here.

- Both of you. - Okay.

- Just, just calm down. - Yes, ma'am.

Now, now, you think maybe you might like

t-to go away with me this weekend

and spend some time?

Yes.

Okay, great, great.

Well, listen, I'm gonna go into the other office

and I'm gonna make the arrangements.

- Now, you wait right here. - Okay.

You...and.. Both of you.

Ah-ha-ah!

We did it. We did it, Leeroy.

[imitating Leroy] I said the name's Leroy.

[instrumental music]

Okay, Marlon, Leroy.

Everything's set for the weekend

no-no-now you're gonna go first

and then I'll join you a little later.

Okay.

[chuckles]

So, uh, where we goin', girl?

Oh, oh, it's a very serene relaxing environment.

- Oh, yeah. - It's called Cappy Acres.

Cappy Acres? That's a nuthouse.

You're tryin' to send me to some nuthouse?

[shouting] Do I look crazy to you, huh? Do I look crazy?

You're tryin' to send me to the nuthouse? Come here.

We don't like to call it a nuthouse.

We-we prefer to call it a-a therapeutic relaxing retreat.

Oh, really? That's a damn nuthouse.

I ain't goin' to a nuthouse, aight?

It's for your own good, Marlon.

Wait, hold on.

Look, I just, I just made it all..

I'm not crazy, I just made all this up

just so I could get in your panties, does that sound crazy?

Actually yes. Take him away.

Wait, hold on..

(Dawn) Shawn, I was wondering, would you like

to go to dinner with me tonight?

Oh, you changed your mind, huh?

Well, normally I would go home and look through my files, but

but I need somethin' to get my mind off my day.

I mean, that-that patient that I canceled our lunch for

turned out to be a very disturbed case.

Huh. Yeah, tell me about it.

Yeah, come over here and tell me all about it, girl.

Well, I can't go into specifics

but that poor young man's brother..

I mean, he's the lowest form of life imaginable.

Oh, he told you it was his brother's fault? Really?

- Well, maybe he's exaggerating. - Oh, no, I don't think so.

That kind of abuse is very common

when an older brother feels emasculated.

- Emasculated? - Mm-hmm.

Turns out the older brother had his privates mangled

in a freak vacuuming accident.

Oh.

Aight, aight, that's what he told you?

Mm-hmm, but you know those kinds of accidents happen

when you're suppressing homosexual tendencies.

Hey, hey, no, hey..

Well, that young man's very lucky that I had him committed.

Committed?

You mean, like in a hospital?

Oh, yeah, but it's only for observation.

They can only keep him for 72 hours.

[laughs] Alright!

Oh, alright.

Hope that little brother's gonna be aight.

Well, so, we'll call it a date?

It's a date.

Okay, hey, look, instead of goin' to dinner

why don't you just come to my crib?

I hear that my little brother's gonna be

outta town for the weekend.

- Okay. - Alright.

[instrumental music]

You know, Dawn, um, something's been on my mind all day long.

Um, now, you know that guy who you had committed

the brother you had committed today

is he gonna be aight?

Well, it depends on his condition.

I mean, they may treat him with electric shock

or sedation or maybe even a lobotomy.

A lobotomy? Ain't that a Spanish dance?

Shawn, that's the lambada.

Oh, oh, right, right, right.

But I don't wanna talk about work.

Okay.

Well, then, let's have a little toast.

Here's a beautiful toast to a beautiful woman

on a beautiful night.

What, no wine for me?

Can I get a little,bro?

I ought to spit in your face.

Oh! What?

I didn't say anything.

It's getting a little chilly in here, Shawn.

Oh, well, girl, huh

I know exactly how to warm you up.

[chuckles]

I meant, uh, could I have a sweater?

Oh, you're gonna play hard to get, right?

Aight, aight. I'll get you yoursweater.

[intense music]

Why don't you give her this jacket, Shawn?

With some fava beans and a nice chianti.

[screaming]

Here you go, girl.

Thank you.

Ah.

Now where were we?

Oh, yeah, I think we was right about here.

Oh, I see, first you take my girl

now you wanna take my jacket.

- What's wrong? - I don't know.

There must be aspartame inside that wine or somethin'.

I.. I'm havin' hot flashes.

I-I'll, I'll be right back.

I-I gotta rinse my face off.

Help me, bro-o-o!

[electricity crackling]

Hey, Shawn, who's this picture of?

Uh, that's just me and my little brother.

Oh, he's so cute.

Hear that, Shawn? She thinks I'm cute.

Stop it!

Is there a problem between you two?

Nah, ain't, ain't no problems. We cool.

Well, it seems like you have some issues.

- Do you wanna talk about it? - I said we're cool, alright?

We ain't got no problem. Me and my brother's tight.

[sobbing] It-it was the time when

that little league baseball team was comin'

after me and my little brother and we were running away

and he fell down and I kept runnin'

like a punk.

And then all I could hear

was the pounding of baseball bats hitting his flesh.

[sobbing]

Oh, Shawn, it's only natural to wanna protect yourself.

Especially when you're just a child.

Yeah, but it just happened last week.

You probably..

You probably don't wanna see me anymore

because I sat here cryin' like a little biatch.

Actually I find sensitive men very attractive.

You do?

- I can't do this. - Why not?

You know that little guy you had put in the hospital today?

Yeah.

That was my little brother.

Wait a second, you're the brother

with the mangled privates?

Yeah, I mean, no. Look..

We were both tryin' to get at you

and so my little brother pretended to be a mental patient

so that you wouldn't go to lunch with me.

Oh, I see.

So in retaliation for what he did to me

I switched around his files with some nutcase's.

Shawn, how could you do this?

I mean, you're in here

tryin' to make some crappy lasagna

and get some while your brothers locked away.

I thought the lasagna came out aight.

I gotta go get my little brother.

[instrumental music]

(Shawn) Where are they keepin' Marlon?

I don't know, but to get him out

we have to follow proper procedure.

Forget that.

[Marlon grunting]

Oh, my God, that's Marlon.

[machine whirring]

Oh, no, they're giving him electric shock treatment.

- Marlon, are you okay? - Hey, what's up, Shawn?

- Whatcha doin' here? - I'm here to get you.

(Marlon) 'Uh, well, can you wait two minutes?'

She's just about to work the front.

Okay, put that down.

I want you to start from the nipples

and work your way all down.

Whoo!

Nurse, this doesn't look like proper procedure.

Shh! Shh! Shh! She's not a nurse, she's a patient.

She thinks she's a Cambodian refugee

workin' in a massage parlor.

And how is this supposed to help her?

I don't know but it sure do feel good to me.

[speaking in foreign language]

Let me take you back to your room.

Wait, hold on. Don't take One Dumb Hoe from me.

Why are you talkin' to her like that? She's not even Asian.

Hey, she's Caucasian, that's the same thing.

- Anyway.. - What's up?

I just came here to apologize.

I'm sorry I switched your files up and had you committed.

Hey, I'm, I'm sorry I told that girl

about your mangled privates.

I know how sensitive you are about those.

It's okay, baby. It's okay, baby.

That's not funny, man.

I'm serious, but what happened was I started feelin' guilty

'cause you was in here so I had to come get you.

So you stopped slobbin' Dawn down to come save me?

Yeah.

Well, obviously you suffering

from acute negro-is-you-out your-damn-mind-itis.

Anyway, you think at our age we'd stop trippin' over women?

Yeah. Hey, from now on, let's make a pact.

We'll never let another woman come between us.

- That's right. - Aight?

Unless it's amenage e trois.

Hey or a threesome.

Help me, bro-o-o!

[electricity crackling]

Hey, Shawn, who's this picture of?

Oh, that's just me and my little brother.

Oh, he is so cute.

Hear that, Shawn? She thinks I'm cute.

(Shawn) 'Stop it!'

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say cheese.