Original subtitles

(Marlon and Shawn) 'Grandma!'

(Shawn) 'Are you okay?'

'Hold on a second, Marlon.'

[Marlon screaming]

It's open.

My bad.

Twelve minutes and thirty-eight seconds.

Y'all are gettin' slower every night this week.

Suppose I was really hurt.

Grandma, you faked it again?

At what age do women start fakin' it?

Grandma, look, haven't you heard

of the little boy that cried wolf?

Well, at least he had the sheep to keep him company.

I'm lonely.

I just wanted you boys to come over here and spend some time.

Have somethin' to eat, look at a television show with me.

My favorite grandbabies.

Grandma, look, we love you, but you can't keep tricking us

to come over here like this.

Yeah, grandma, we have plans for tonight.

Okay, I'm sorry. Go on to do what you gotta do.

I have to eat all my homemade brownies by myself.

Oh, hell, no, you won't. Get off, get off.

[Marlon grunting]

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright. Cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite. That is..'

[upbeat music]

We gotta to do somethin' about grandma, man.

She keep callin' us every night this week, man.

Feel like I'm being stalked by Miss Jane Pittman.

I wonder if we can get a restraining order

on our own grandmother.

Yeah, man, why don't she call some of her other friends?

Leave me alone.

Because hell doesn't have a area code.

[laughs]

Yeah, man. I don't know.

I-I guess I feel sorry for her, man. She gotta be lonely.

I know, I feel sorry for her too..

...but I'm still takin' the phone off the hook tonight.

Hell yeah.

Eh, Fred, what's happenin'? Give me some skin.

What you doin', man?

(Fred) Uh, big day today.

I'm having breakfast here. Feeding the squirrels.

And later I'm goin' to IHOP

and catch the early bird special.

Ooh, player.

Livin' large, Fred. Man your age better slow down.

[both chuckling]

Yo, Marlon..

...why don't we hook grandma up with somebody like Fred?

I mean, lookit, he's perfect. He's older, he's good-lookin'.

He look like he got a little bit of money.

(Marlon) 'I don't know, man, uh'

'we don't know much about him.'

Besides, he look a little crusty.

Like he don't wash right. Like he wash like a cat.

[chuckles]

Come on, Fred, coffee's on me.

[both laughing]

Yo, we gotta do somethin', man.

Grandma was talkin' about goin' to sing

karaoke with us tonight.

- Get out of here. - Yeah.

Alright, look, I'mma soften up grandma.

- You get Fred. - Alright.

- Hi, grandma. - Hi, baby.

Hey, what's up, Fred?

- Hey, grandma, uh.. - Mmm.

You see that gentleman right over there right behind you?

You see that lady over there?

She think you got it going on.

I think he winked at me.

Either that or he's having a stroke. Here he comes.

Good mornin', ma'am.

I couldn't help noticin' that delightful scent you wearin'.

- Is that French? - No, it's vapor rub.

[both laughing]

- Hi, I'm Fred Watson. - Muriel Whitney.

May I join you, uh, Muriel?

Sure, it'll be fine.

- Pops? - 'Yeah?'

A little breakfast over here, please.

Alright.

A plate of eggs for the gentleman

and a feedbag for Mrs. Abe.

[laughing]

Pops, that's no way to be talkin'

to a lovely lady like this.

Thanks, Fred.

Shouldn't your tongue be stuck on the back

of a Budweiser truck, you old greasy frog?

Bud.

Now, where were we?

[hip hop music]

(Shawn) 'I'll tell you, things must be heatin' up'

'between old Fred and grandma.'

I haven't seen her in about a week.

Yeah, and Fred hasn't been in for breakfast either.

Eh, you think they knockin' boots?

[Shawn scoffs]

More like knockin' orthopedic shoes.

Eww. Grandma with a man.

What a ugly picture.

Funny. Well, good morning, everybody.

How are you on this wonderful, beautiful day?

- Hi, grandma. - Hey, grandma.

It is a wonderful day.

What are you doin' out your coffin in the daylight?

So, Fred, haven't seen you around much lately.

You been keepin' busy?

Or, gettin' busy.

[laughs]

A gentleman never tells.

If I was with her, I wouldn't tell anybody either.

You know what?

I feel so good, I'm not gonna tell anybody

what my daughter told me about your little...uh, problem.

- 'Ooh.' - 'Ooh.'

You know, I've never met a woman like Muriel.

- Well, see you later, sweetie. - Mm, bye.

I gotta go and take care of some business.

Bye, baby.

Well, grandma, it's really good to see you happy.

I guess old Morgan Freeman is givin' you the glory, huh?

[laughing]

Yes, he is.

You know, he's a retired doctor.

Loves dancin', loves music.

Really knows how to treat a woman.

And what does he do, give you a treat

after you roll over in bed?

Don't go there, shorty.

So, grandma, are we gonna have a new grandpappy?

Well, Fred's a little gun-shy.

You know, he was widowed three times.

- 'Mm.' - But you never know.

In fact, he insists on making me an authentic gourmet

Mexican dinner tonight with all the trimmings.

Oh, really?

- Well, uh, grandma. - Mm?

If you plan on gettin' busy

you might wanna stay clear of 'em re-fried beans.

Boy, you better..

Look at you.

It is so wonderful to see a woman

your age still find romance.

Oh, Dee, I'm so happy.

Well, listen, I gotta run. I'm gonna go to the beauty parlor.

Oh!

It's too late for that, woman.

You need surgery.

Never mind him. You go on with your bad self.

Look at you!

[laughs]

How did that old woman hook a man and I can't?

Well, Dee..

...maybe you need to start acting more...ladylike.

Yeah, Dee, be sweet.

Ladylike? I am sweet.

Hey, pick up that paper, dirtbag

or I'll take this nightstick and turn you into a corn dog.

What you lookin' at?

Come here!

[instrumental music]

Sorry, we're late, boys, we stopped by Luigi

to pick up a pizza.

Oh, great, man. I'm starving like Marvin. Woo!

All you left us was pizza crust?

I think there's the olives stuck to the top of the box.

Oh, thanks, how considerate of you.

Come on, turn the TV on, son.

We're gonna miss "Unsolved Violent Crimes."

Aw, come on, pop.

If you wanna see criminals on TV, we'll turn on

an episode of "Diff'rent Strokes."

[laughs] Now, come on now. I can't miss my show.

"Cops?" "Top Cops?" "America's Most Wanted."

"True Tales Of The Canadian Mounted Police."

I gotta get me a man.

- Hm. - Hm.

Good evening. I'm Adam West.

Tonight on "Unsolved Violent Crimes"

we begin with a case of The Black Widower.

A mild-mannered doctor from Charleston, South Carolina

who spins a web of love..

...then goes in for the kill.

Wait, hold on. Hold on.

Ain't Fred a doctor from South Carolina?

For over 30 years, The Black Widower

has charmed his way into the hearts of lonely, old women.

Posing as a gourmet chef, he prepares a home-cooked meal.

But his secret ingredient is poison.

[coughs]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Fred is a gourmet chef too.

Yeah, but she didn't say that

his secret ingredient was poison.

Yeah, shut up, shut up.

The killer serves them his infamoustacos de muerte

'with the garnish of cilantro and a radish rose.'

Here's the recipe..

[chuckles] ...minus the poison, of course.

Holy guacamole, Batman!

He's cookin' her Mexican food tonight.

Shawn, we gotta do something, man.

Come on, man, Marlon, now, there's a million doctors

from South Carolina who like to cook.

But once their bellies are stuffed with

salsa guacamole and poison

he robs them of their worldly possessions.

He's known to be left-handed and to have a scar

on the back of his neck.

Here's an artist rendering of what he might look like today.

Yeah, yeah, Shawn, there's a lot of doctors out there

from South Carolina who know how to cook Mexican food.

But how many of them look exactly like Fred?

That's Fred. That's Fred!

That's Fred, Dee. I know it's Fred. That's Fred!

- That does.. - That's Fred, Dee.

That does kinda look like Fred now.

You know, I-I never noticed, but Fred is kinda cockeyed.

(Dee) 'Yeah.'

This man is armed and dangerous.

His weapon of choice is the butcher knife.

Do not try to apprehend him.

Just call your local police...immediately.

What we gonna do, man?

We just hooked grandma up with a murderer-killer.

'He's gonna kill grandma tonight.'

[dramatic music]

[screaming]

What're we gonna do? Gotta stop Fred before he kills grandma.

Come on, Marlon, don't rush to judgment.

Come on, pop, when'd you become Johnnie Cochran?

If the taco don't fit, you must acquit.

See, you know the law.

You cannot convict a man without a body.

- "Corpus Delectable." - What the hell does that mean?

That means let the man finish what he started.

Come on, pop, quit jokin', man. This is serious.

Okay, okay, now.

Fred does look a little like The Black Widower

but a murderer is better than no man at all.

[clamoring]

Hey, hey, hey, boys, boys, boys, listen to me.

Now, listen. Grandma lived a full life.

Hell, in dog years she's 4000 years old.

[clamoring]

Come on, pop, look, I know she dead.

Listen. Listen..

Shut up, y'all!

Okay, now, listen.

Now, the only thing we know is that this guy

is from South Carolina, and he likes to cook.

- 'Mm-hmm.' - That could be Luther Vandross.

Come on, Shawn.

And that picture looked just like him.

No, that dude looks like the guy who shot Nino Brown

in "New Jack City".

Okay, now, listen.

I will call my friend at the precinct

and get a make on this Fred. What's his last name?

Krueger. I mean Watson.

Fred Watson. Okay.

Now, you guys run over to her place

and you keep a eye on Fred, okay?

Now, until you hear from me, don't let her eat nothin'.

Okay. Come on, Shawn, we gotta go, man.

- 'Yeah, go on.' - Oh, man, poor grandma.

Right now, she's probably chokin' on sometacos de muerte.

Alright, man,vamanos,

Hurry up, before grandma winds up deader than Dee's sex life.

Why don't we just skip dinner and go straight to dessert?

Don't worry.

I'm gonna satisfy your sweet tooth.

But first, I want you to try my cookin'.

It's to die for.

[Marlon screaming]

[chuckles] How many times I gotta tell you, man? The door's open.

What are y'all doin' here? Don't you believe in knockin'?

What? Boots? Girl, you better recognize.

You better ask somebody.

- Marlon. - Eh. My bad.

Hey, grandma, we just came up here to see..

...if some old dogs could teach us some new tricks.

[laughing]

Well, can't you see I have company?

Don't worry, Fred, I'll get rid of them.

Yo, let's see if he's left-handed.

Okay. Throw something at him and see what hand he catches with.

- Okay. - Okay.

[both whistling]

Hey, Fred, catch.

Ow.

Will you stop that? Honey, I'm sorry.

You two, get out of here.

Oh, no, no, no.

They're not going anywhere until they...try some of my cookin'.

- But, Fred-- - Oh, it's alright now, Muriel.

These boys look hungry.

- Oh, actually-- - Sit down!

On thecontraire, mon frere, we, you see, we kinda full, man.

Uh, we-we just got through having some 50 cent Franks.

See, he's still burpin'.

[burps]

[chuckles] Well, my doctor has me on a strict diet.

He says I'm allergic totaco de muertes.

We're havingfajitas.

Sit down. I insist.

- Marlon, the butcher knife. - Ai!

I told you, that's Fred. It's Fred. He's Fred.

No need to get all violent, man.

- We gonna have a seat. - Yeah, man.

No black-on-black crime.

Come on, sit down and have a bite.

then get out of here.

Okay, grandma.

I'mma check for the scar.

Hey, Fred, this shirt is nice, man. Is that Mecca?

You look tense, man. Let me give you a massage.

Get off my neck.

Now, if you really want to do something for me

I could use a foot massage.

Oh, well, let's eat.

Alright, well.. No, no, no.

No, don't touch a thing..

...till I put on the finishing touches.

(Muriel) 'Ooh.'

- Radish rose. - Radish rose.

Yeah, you like 'em, huh?

Oh, good. Here, I'll give you a little extra.

Oh, thank you, Fred.

You're so sweet.

Alright, dig in, dig in.

I gotta go and fix my, uh, plate.

Oh, pa, pa, pa. Oh, oh, Freddy boy.

How come you're not gonna have any of this

scrumptious meal that you've laid out for us?

- Oh, no, no, no. - Huh?

I'm fixin' a special plate.

There are some things I can't eat.

Shee-shee. Like poison.

Ooh! Fred, this is too much.

What're you trying to do? Stuff me to death?

[sneezes]

[sneezes]

Marlon!

You have ruined my dinner.

I'm sorry, grandma, it's my allergies.

Gesundheit.

As-Salam-Alaikum.

Why didn't you cover your mouth? You was raised better than that.

Don't you hit me.. Hey!

[Fred laughing]

Don't worry about it.

There's, uh, lots more where that came from.

Okay.

Hey, no wait, grandma.

Before we eat, man, we-we gotta say grace.

Girl, you was raised better than that.

Oh.

Let's all, um, bow our heads and, uh

close our eyes and, uh..

Close your eyes, brah.

Uh, dear Lord..

...Father in the heavens, we, uh, humbly thank you

'for this food that we're about to receive'

and we'd like to welcome in a new member of the family, Lord.

Um, Fred, who would never do anything

to hurt anybody in our family.

Now, let's eat, Fred.

Amen.

- 'Amen.' - Amen.

- Eat up, Freddy. - Eat up.

(Muriel) 'That's good. Looking good too.'

- 'Mmm-hmm.' - 'Mm-mm.'

- Mmm. - 'Tasty! Woo!'

- Mmm. - Go, put it in, boy.

Oh, my God, this is not my plate.

That's right!

We switched your plate with grandma's.

- Are you trying to kill me? - 'Eh, what?'

That's right. What goes around comes around, huh?

How do you like the taste of your own medicine

Mr. Black Widower?

Wait, wait, wait, what're you talking about?

Grandma, we hate to break it to you this way

but that man is a murderer.

We seen him on "Unsolved Violent Crimes."

That's right, grandma, he seduces old bags like yourself..

...then, he robs them and kills them

with histaco de muerte.

- Black The Ripper. -El muerto,

You idiots!

I'm not poisoned. I'm-I'm allergic to jalapenos.

I gotta get out of here. I left my pills at home.

Fred, the boys can go get your pills.

I'm sorry, Muriel.

This is...just too much for me.

You all are crazy.

Fred, wait, wait, come back here.

I got a new weave and some lingerie and..

Shawn, he's getting away, man. What're we gonna do?

He'll be dead by the time he hits the street.

Are you two on drugs?

Grandma, look, we just trying to protect you.

Look, that man killed three of his ex-wives, man.

What are you talkin' about?

He did not kill his wives.

He told me his wife died from natural causes.

Oh, come on, grandma!

You can't believe what a murderer tells you!

He'll say anything to get in the panty drawers!

[knocking on door]

I see old Freddy boy wants some more, huh?

- Oh, please. - Yo, not me, boy!

- I'mma go crazy on him. - Go crazy! Go crazy!

- No. - Go crazy on him!

[Marlon screaming]

Dee? Pop, what?

Where the cops at?

They not coming. Mm-mm.

They found the real Black Widower.

They just announced it on

"True Stories Of The Highway Patrol".

Wait, you mean that Fred's not The Black Widower?

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Now, you know I know.

Hey, grandma, we're really sorry.

Um, we were just trying to save your life.

Yeah, grandma, we love you.

We just didn't want nothin' to happen to you.

Man, I don't know how I let you talk me into this, Shawn.

Well, I hope you all are satisfied with yourselves.

Grandma, we said we're sorry.

I really liked Fred.

When you get to be my age, you don't find many people

that you can care about. I was really happy for a while.

Now he's gone forever.

Mm-mm-mm.

That Fred sure was a good cook.

What'd you say?

(Marlon) 'Grandma, open up!'

[banging on door]

(Marlon) 'Come on, grandma, we know you in there.'

'We smell your Bengay from out here.'

Haven't you two done enough damage?

(Shawn) 'Come on, grandma.'

'We just came by to give you a present'

'to make up for what we've done.'

You can't make up for nothin'.

Now, get away from my door.

(Marlon) 'Grandma, I guarantee you this present will.

'Now, come on, just open the door.'

'Grandma, don't make me get crazy!'

- 'Oh, Marlon' - 'Don't making me crazy!'

(Shawn) 'Calm down, Marlon, Marlon.'

[Marlon screaming]

Psy-y-ych!

It's open, stupid.

You think a bunch of flowers is gonna ease the pain I feel?

Well, we had a box of chocolates

but Marlon ate 'em on the way over here.

Big deal.

Well, grandma, we also have this.

[violin music]

Dinner and a violinist will not make up

for ruining my relationship with Fred.

Well, grandma... we also got you this.

Actually, the violin was my idea.

Oh, Fred. Oh.

I thought I'd never see you again.

Well, they explained the whole crazy misunderstanding.

And you came back?

Oh, I have really missed you, peaches.

I missed you too, honey bear.

- Oh. - I missed you too, Freddy!

I missed you too!

Oh, thank you, baby!

- Hold me. - I love it.

Hold me.

Oh, baby.

[laughs]

- We're gonna go. - Thank you.

[laughing]

I guess your heart was always in the right places.

Now, both of y'all, get out of here.

Oh..

And take your violinist with you.

- Alright. - Alright.

[Muriel laughing]

- Hey, uh, Freddy-- - You better get out of here.

- Right this minute. - Out!

[Fred and Muriel laughing]

We can make our own music, can't we, honey?

Oh, yeah!

[instrumental music]

[violin music]

Oh, hell, we paid for it.

Uh, Enrique..

...could we hear "Bow Down" by the Westside Connection, please?

Hear again.

♪ Uh uh ♪ ♪ Ra ra ra ra-ra-ra ♪

♪ Jeah yeah jeah ♪ ♪ Yeah jeah jeah ♪

♪ Jeah jeah jeah jeah ♪

♪ Aye I'm finger lickin' ♪

♪ My hair be so greasy ♪

♪ I can cook some chicken ♪

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ Like a Jheri curl word is bold ♪

♪ Rockin' on rockin' on and on and on ♪

♪ With Shawn ♪ ♪ With Shawn ♪

♪ Me and the crew ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Westside for life fool ♪♪

Tonight on "Unsolved Violent Crimes"

we begin with the case of The Black Widower.

A mild-mannered doctor from Charleston, South Carolina

who spins a web of love..

...then goes in for the kill.

Ain't Fred a doctor from South Carolina?

Posing as a gourmet chef, he prepares a home-cooked meal.

But his secret ingredient is poison.

[coughs]

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say cheese.