Original subtitles

Marlon.

Marlon.

What's up, man? What's wrong with you?

I haven't seen you this sad since

Run D.M.C. turned Christian.

I'm just worried about pop and mom, man.

They never had a fight that lasted this long.

Marlon, how many times I gotta tell you?

Forget about it, alright?

Married people have they own language.

Ma calls pop, a broke down old walrus.

And pop calls ma, a stank old witch.

It's their way of saying, I love you.

Oh, so when mom kicks pop outta the house

she's really sayin', I want you to come

pull me by my nappy weave, you Mandingo warrior.

[snarling]

Yeah. Somethin' like that.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright cut and print.'

'Beautiful guys! Dynamite, that is--'

[theme music]

[hip hop music]

Okay, let's get to work.

(Dee) Lookie, here.

Look at you, you mighty dapper, Pops.

You know, usually your outfits give me a little headache

but today you look damn right studly.

Well, thank you, kindly, Dee, so are you.

Damn, pop, you went a little crazy

with that bathroom air freshener.

Did you tear it up in there?

Yeah, what'd you do, rub yourself with a sani-cake?

[laughing]

No, but if I had known it would work

I would've saved myself $6

on this cologne concentrate.

Cologne concentrate?

Yup. Just add water make five gallons.

I got a dentist appointment.

- I'm closin' up early. - Alright.

- I'll see you boys later on. - Peace.

♪ Ta-da I'm gonna get my novocaine ♪

♪ Novocaine ♪

♪ Novo novo novo novocaine ♪♪

I never seen nobody that happy to go to the dentist.

I mean, I like nitric oxide too.

But I'll be damned if I'mma put on

some church clothes for it.

[chuckles]

You guys don't recognize the signs, huh?

- What? - New style..

Cologne, the skip in the step.

They all add up to one thing.

Oh, my God.

Pops is gay.

No.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

He's not gay, stupid.

- Right, Dee? - No.

Now..

...you all didn't hear this from me.

But I believe your father

is havin' an affair with another woman.

You better get out of here, Dee.

I think you must got your panty drawers on too tight.

You better wear your size.

Stop cheating.

(Shawn) 'I'm with Marlon, Dee.'

Pops could never do something like that.

Besides, who would want his ugly ass?

Yeah, he had to trick mom into marryin' him.

[telephone ringing] I got it.

He told her he was pregnant.

[laughing]

Got you, boy.

Casanova of the ghetto speaking.

- Chello. - Now, Dee.

What're you basing this on anyway?

Shawn, when you've been in law enforcement

as long as I have, you pick up the subtlest signs.

You know, sideward glance, one misplaced hair..

'It's my job.'

I am a trained professional.

Nothing gets by me.

Right.

Marl, what's the matter?

Shawn, that was mom.

She said pop called her

and said he was workin' late tonight.

She just wanted to know what time he was comin' home.

Shawn, pop lied to mom.

I told you.

I'm a trained professional.

Eh!

Somethin' not right here.

Who stole my pencil?

[hip hop music]

Shawn, I don't wanna be from no broken home.

That means, I have a 50% higher chance of joining a gang.

And I can't even throw up gang signs

'cause I got arthritis.

And I can't do no drive-bys 'cause I'm cockeyed, see?

What's up..

Will you hush up, silly?

Look...pops and ma is not splittin' up.

There could be a hundred reasons why pop lied to ma.

Sure, name one.

- Well, like.. - Mm-hmm.

- Like.. - Ra.

Like, maybe, he forgot he had the dentist appointment.

That's it. He-he forgot he had a dentist appointment.

I mean, he's been forgettin' a lot of things lately.

He's sick now.

Yeah, that's it.

Pop has Alzheimer's disease.

Oh, I feel so much better now.

- Hey, wassup, pop? - Hi, son.

How're things goin' with you and ma?

You still sleepin' out on the fire escape?

[laughing]

No, I'm sleeping in my car.

Leavin' early again?

Yeah, got somethin' to do.

- Don't we know? - Let me guess, uh..

Another one of them dentist appointments?

Yup, gonna do a little drilling tonight.

Hmm.

You're filling a pretty deep cavity, aren't you?

Yup.

(in unison) Mm-hmm.'

Dentist, huh?

[clicks tongue]

You should be more careful how you treat your teeth.

You know, you shouldn't be out there.

Samplin' sweets and eating forbidden fruit!

Dee, I don't know what you've been doin'

but you better cut it out.

It's gonna show up in your urine specimen.

♪ Whoo yee-hee ♪

♪ Well now let me get on outta here ♪

♪ These people are crazy ♪♪

- Yo, Dee. - 'What?'

You know how to close up a newsstand?

Yeah, why?

Me and Marl gotta go get some evidence.

Come on, kid, we goin' on a mission.

[upbeat music]

Hey, Eddie Murphy.

[laughing]

Wow!

This place is fancy. Real visquisite.

Hey...look.

These are real crystal ashtrays.

You think they'd notice if I take one of these?

Marlon, you don't smoke.

I would if I had a nice ashtray.

(Shawn) There goes pops.

Get off me, get off me, get off me, get off me..

- Shh. - You okay?

Yeah, I'm alright. Get off of me.

Stupid.

What's he sayin'?

I don't know, I'm back here with you.

My bad.

Watch out! Here he comes.

[elevator dings]

Cuckoo!

[imitates a bird]

Hyah!

John!

Carmella!

Good to see you.

Pleasure's all mine.

Marlon, look.

Yeah, she got afat

No, stupid.

They're huggin' and kissin'.

Oh yeah, but she got a fat butt.

I'm sorry, I'm a little late.

Hey, would you like to get a little drink

before we get started?

Well, I've been known to perform better

after a little taste.

[instrumental music]

Man, looks like you was right.

Pop is cheatin' on mom.

Don't worry about it, kid. Don't be depressed.

We're gonna take care of this.

It's not that.

Pop got two women, I ain't got one.

Well, will you stop thinkin' about yourself, man?

We gotta save pops' marriage.

Alright.

After that can we get me a girl?

Come on, man, they're only 20 bucks.

[hip hop music]

[hip hop music]

If mom finds out pop is cheatin' on her, she's gonna divorce him.

And we're gonna wind up in court at a ugly custody battle

just like "Losing Isaiah".

Except we ain't crack babies.

Marlon, will you stop gettin' all hysterical, alright?

I would slap you, but I'm saving it for pops.

Word? You're gonna kick his butt, G?

Yeah. I'm so mad right now, G.

- Word? - Yeah.

How could pop do this to ma?

How can he do this to us?

You wait till I get my hands on him.

You think he looks like the WB frog now?

Brother, I know exactly how you feel.

Except I ain't gonna fight him.

He too quick with that belt, G.

Look, I'm still havin' nightmares about his name belt.

Everybody think this is a tattoo. Look.

- Hey, hey, come on. - It's only skin.

- Look. - That's your business, okay?

I don't wanna see that.

Man.

Yo, Marl, remember when pops gave us that speech

when we first started dating girls?

[imitating Pops] Boy's, you gotta treat the woman right.

Honor them and respect them.

What a hypocrite.

What are you talking about?

You don't respect women.

Ain't you the one that said, the best dates are the one's

that don't order desert.

That was you, wasn't it?

Oh, oh, well-well, that was Quelene.

You know, the [indistinct] kid. She wanted ice cream and pie.

Next thing you know she'll be ordering coffee.

- Cappuccino. - Oh, see now, uh-uh.

- Yeah. - Uh-uh, I ain't rich.

Yeah, she.. That's what I'm saying.

She didn't have no money, but when I take her out

she goin' to get all French with my money?

- Mm-hmm. Get allbonjoui. - Exactly.

- I hear you, mm-mm-mm. - Well, forget her man.

Now, look, kid, we gotta come up with a plan.

Hey, but we can't tell mom, Shawn.

It'll break her heart.

[sighs]

Well, then, I guess, the only thing we could do

is confront pop and hope he'll give

this lady up for the sake of the family.

Alright, and what if that don't work?

Well, then, I'm gonna have to break

my shoe off in his behind.

Works for me.

[hip hop music]

Thanks for the coffee, John.

Carmella, I wanna thank you for last night.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

And you're really getting good.

Well, I'm just lucky to have a great teacher like you.

Oh, well, you're a good student, John.

Uh, Carmella, you mind if I extend my dance lessons

a extra half an hour tonight?

You see, my anniversary is tomorrow.

And I wanna make sure when I dance with my wife

my tango..

...isn't...tired.

And..

♪ Rump pum pum ♪

♪ Pa rum pum pum pa pum ♪♪

Yeah.

Really getting good.

And after that I'm gonna teach you how to make coffee

without the grounds in it.

What?

Hmm, I thought that filter would last till the end of the month.

Hey, good mornin', boys.

What can I get you for breakfast?

Try my special, oat meal omelet.

We're not here to eat. Right, Marlon?

Oh, yeah, we're here to talk.

What do you wanna talk about?

Well, first of all, mister..

What belt you got on?

Look, Kermit, we know what you've been hoppin' around

to do every night.

- You do? - Yeah.

We followed you. We saw everything.

- You saw me with Carmella? - That's right.

Now, what do you have to say for yourself?

- Oh, man, what a relief. - What?

You have no idea how hard it is to keep a secret like that.

Boy, now that you know, I feel, I'm-I'm relieved, I feel good.

But, pop, how can you lie to mom like that?

I know I shouldn't lie to your mama, son.

But I'm doin' it to try to help my marriage.

And how is Carmella gonna help?

Well, you know I've been kinda rusty lately.

And I know, I was thinkin', you know, for my anniversary

I can keep it with your mama.

Well, pop, this ain't the kind of thing

you practice with another woman.

I mean, how do you think ma is gonna feel if she finds out?

Oh, she don't care.

Half the fun is switching partners.

[both gasp]

I don't know if you boys noticed but you know

your mama and I were big time swingers

back in the old days.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, pop.

I don't think I wanna hear this.

But go on.

And your mama was good.

- Mama? - Good.

Much better than me.

I used to feel so self-conscious.

I would just sit back and watch the guys

line up and take a whirl at her.

Now, you know your mama can take two or three at one time.

That's disgustin', man. That's sick.

Nonsense, it's good healthy fun.

That's why I'm taking lessons.

I used to practice in front of the mirror.

You see, this is much better.

Only thing is, I just hate to pay for it.

Pay for it?

Have you no shame, old man?

Why should I? Carmella should get somethin' outta this.

So-so you're telling us you're not gonna stop?

Hell, no, I'm not gonna stop, man.

Are you crazy? I just got my move back.

Look, if you wanna eat, eat if not, get the hell outta here.

I got my mornin' rush coming in here.

♪ Oh switch with me and I'll switch with you ♪

♪ Switch with me and I'll switch with your mama too ♪♪

I thought he was crazy before

but that man completely lost his mind.

Oh, no. What Pops do this time?

Everything.

Dee, that man's a pervert.

Yo, Dee, I think you was right.

Last night we seen pops with another woman.

Well, peep this.

We confronted the old dude about it

he gonna tell us he was doing it

to help his marriage. Hmm.

That's what they all say.

Then they get lonely, the next thing you know

he's on your doorstep with a raincoat

and a bottle of Wild Turkey.

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey.. - But I told him--

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, girl, we don't wanna hear the rest.

This ain't Oprah.

- Sorry. - 'Now, look..'

The point is, pop ain't gonna stop.

Now it's only a matter of time before mom finds out.

Yeah, and then it's Lorena Bobbitt

snip-snip, chop-chop, here we come.

None of my business, but it takes two to tango.

And since you already spoke to Pops..

Ow, God, no! Ooh.

I think, it's about time we had a little chit-chat

with Ms. Carmella.

(Dee) Hmm.

[hip hop music]

Would you look what the cat just crawled into the bag.

Well, well, well..

That's three wells.

If it isn't the little Ms. Spider-Lady

looking for another fly to catch in her web of deceit.

Phew, buzz-buzz.

Do I know you?

- Hmph. - Oh-oh, do I know you?

Look at you soundin' fresh, huh?

Soundin' fast.

Yeah, you know me, we're practically family.

I mean, after all

you're knocking boots with our father!

I'm sure, I don't even know your father.

Oh, I see, so you're a liar and a slut.

- Oh, ahem. - My kinda gal.

Oh, so you deny you know Pops Williams?

Pops?

Do you mean, John?

Oh, you must be Shawn and Marlon.

Oh, how nice of you to remember.

What'd he do? Mention our name in between grunts?

You think, your father and I--

We don't think, missy.

We know what kind of filth you're into.

Keep your voice down!

You can't tell us what to do.

You ain't our mother...yet.

Hey, can you cook? I love grits.

Look, I'm teaching your dad--

We know what you're teaching him, you harlot.

You adulterer.

You Jezebel.

You fornicator.

You...free Friday night?

Okay, I do not have to stand here and take this.

(Marlon) Hey, girl, call me.

- Carmella, where you goin'? - I'll bill you.

- Bill me? - 'Call me. call me.'

- Boys, what have you done? - We saved your marriage.

- That's what we did. - That's right.

We just scared away your little hoochie mama.

You did what?

Shawn did it, pop. Shawn did it.

That's right. I did it.

And I'll do it again.

That's right. Two times.

- You really let me down, pop. - Down, down, down.

I looked up to you.

Like Jack to the beanstalk.

- Son-- - I'm not finished.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Now, you're nothing to me. - Nothing.

Nada,nada.

I'm not gonna stand here anymore

and let you disrespect my mother.

- R-E-S-P-E-C-T-- - Will you stop it?

Now, if you got a problem with that, step to me, dad.

- Wassup? Wassup? - Step to me, dad.

- Wassup? Wassup? - Step to me, dad.

- Wassup? Wassup? - Step to me, dad.

- Step to me, dad. - Wassup? Wassup?

- Wassup? Wassup? - Step to me, dad.

- Stop it, Marlon. - Wassup? Wassup?

Hey, hey, hey, hey..

Don't make me get my belt.

Now, put your dukes down.

I wasn't cheating.

Carmella's my dance teacher.

I decided to take some ballroom dance lessons

to...have a surprise

for your mother on our anniversary.

I would've told you, but I was a little embarrassed.

[chuckles]

O.J. had a better alibi than that.

You expect us to believe you, huh?

You don't have to. I'll show you.

Get out of my way, son.

You just hold me tight. I'll lead!

[tango music]

[music continues]

Ow!

[music continues]

[screaming]

[music continues]

Whoo, wow!

So I guess, you really are takin' dance lessons?

Yes, I was taking dance lessons.

Well, then, I guess, I owe you an apology.

Hey, look, pop, all that stuff I said to you about

not respecting you and--

No need to apologize, son.

Your heart was in the right place.

I just needed that last night with Carmella to get my move on.

I just hope your mama'll like the surprise.

Oh, trust me, pop, she gonna like it.

[sobbing]

[mumbling]

Yo, kid. Everything's alright.

Everything worked out. It's cool.

What are you still crying for?

I got a thorn in my tongue.

I got a thorn in my tongue, see.

Well, come on, I'mma take you to the hospital.

[tango music]

[sobbing]

[knocking on door]

[groaning ] Oh, ah. Hi, boy.

- Hey, wazzup, pop? - How are you doin'?

Where'd you get that old prom suit from?

You gotta co-ordinate. See, you don't know how to co-ordinate.

[indistinct]

What you doin' here, man?

Don't tell me you and mom got in a fight

on your anniversary.

No, your mama's down in the car, son.

We just come from ballroom dancing.

Well, besides them ugly shoes, what happened to your feet?

Your mama's what happened to my feet.

Last time, we went dancing, she was 10 years younger

and a 100 pounds lighter.

- Looking for some ice, son. - I'll get it.

And a bandage for your mama's head.

- Oh. - What happened to ma's head?

Somebody dropped a chicken wing under the table.

Well, huh, you know your mama.

Hey, pop, sorry, your anniversary turned out bad.

Who said it turned out bad?

We had a wonderful time.

I haven't seen your mama smile and laugh so much in years.

You know, the best is yet to come.

(together) Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

[tango music]

[tango music]

[screaming]

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say cheese.