Original subtitles

Look what I got, boys.

Knicks tickets to tonight's game.

Oh, thanks, brother.

Hey, now, who's the third one for?

Me.

Oh.

Uh, well, sorry, pop. We can't make it.

You don't wanna go to the Knicks game?

Look, no offense, pop, but every time you go with us

you always gotta paint your face orange and blue

and wear that stupid rainbow wig.

The last time when we went, you was just plain old ridiculous.

You wrote Knicks across your chest

and dotted the I with your nipple.

You're lucky I didn't drop my pants.

I had something for the Celtics on my butt.

I hate to see what you do when the Nuggets come to town.

[laughs]

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.

'Beautiful guys. Dynamite! That is..'

[upbeat music]

You know what, it seem like every time I ask you boys

to do something with me, you come up with some excuse.

If I didn't know better, I'd think you're trying to avoid me.

- Ah, come on, pops. Pops, stop. - Come on, man.

(Shawn) 'Pop, come on.'

Damn. What's the matter with him?

Well, it's none of my business

but can't you see he just wants to hang out with you guys?

Dee, we hang out with him everyday

when we come freeload our breakfast.

Yeah, and we always borrow money from him.

See, that's just to show him that we need him.

No. That is not what I'm talkin' about.

I'm talkin' about quality time.

Like I spend with my mother every Sunday.

Dee, you need to get out more.

You are missing the point. Now, he's gettin' older.

And you guys should treasure the days you still have

with your father while you have 'em.

Now, even though it's none of my business.

- You know what I'm sayin'? - Mm-hmm. Get on going.

Okay.

You know what? I think Dee's right.

Yeah, I guess we could spend some time with the old dude.

Ey, what about, what about this weekend? We ain't doin' nothin'.

Yeah, that's cool. We can hang out.

(Marlon) 'Alright, cool.'

Ey,papito!

Ey, man, me and Marlon been talkin' and, uh, you know what?

You're right. We-we don't do anything together anymore.

So you know what we gonna do? We gonna hang out this weekend.

You know what I want to do?

No, but if it involves nudity, count me in.

No. I wanna go camping, like when you were little.

Those were some of the happiest days of my life.

Wouldn't you rather go to Booty World?

I got these nice two-for-one coupons.

No. I got my heart set on Camp Woodchuck.

It means something to me.

Remember the cold nights, the musty air

and the, and the humming of the insects

and the wild animals howling right outside our door?

[howling]

Pop, that's our apartment.

I tell you, boys, don't know how much I've been

wantin' to do this with you.

- We leave Friday after work. - Alright.

♪ We're goin' campin' together ♪

♪ Yee ti di ♪

♪ Campin' together ♪

♪ One two three ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Hey, guys.

Hi, Dee, mm.

Oh, no.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Hamburglar and Grimace.

T.C., what you doin' up here? Shopliftin'?

Hey, hey, hey, you keep it up and I'm not gonna let you in

on the four honeys I got comin'.

You know what? You keep those, brother.

Last time you hooked us up, it looked like

a Shabba Ranks' family reunion.

Come on.

I don't see why you wanna go there, brother, hm?

Besides I didn't hear you complainin'

when the lights were low.

The lights wasn't low.

Their big bellies was blockin' out the sun.

Okay, okay, you all make fun. Go ahead make fun.

But these women are from Chocolate City Calendar.

[laughs] Yeah.

We even got Miss June.

Miss June Miss June?

The one inside the bathtub with the barbecue sauce on her?

Yo, I ain't gonna front, G. She looked kind tasty, yo.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, brother.

Excuse me, but you know that

these women are filled with silicone?

[laughs]

Dee, let me give you a little insight into men.

We don't care.

[laughing]

Big breasts, you know what I'm sayin'?

Hey, hey, listen, h-hey, my brothers, my brothers

they all good to go, so, we down for this weekend?

- Oh, we know we in there, baby. - We down.

It's none of my business, but didn't you just get finished

telling me that you're going camping

with your father this weekend?

- Oh. - Oh, man, yeah.

Dee's right. What about next weekend?

Oh, what-what do you think these women just wait around?

No, no, no. They are big time.

Next weekend, they cuttin' the ribbon

at a sewage treatment plant in Tijuana.

Ooh, Shawn, why don't we just go with pops next weekend?

- You know? - That's a good idea.

Alright, bet. We down. We there.

- Cool. Hey. - Alright.

- Alright. - Alright, alright, mm.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

There's somethin' wrong with them chocolate bars, man.

I mean, they taste funny. My stomach's been trippin'.

I mean, when was the last time y'all checked these out, man?

[both laugh]

That's because these ain't chocolate bars.

You just ate a box of Ex-Lax.

[Marlon laughs]

Ex-Lax? Oh, no.

No, no, mama, no!

T.C.?

You gotta take me home quick, kid.

You ain't gettin' in my car.

Ey, where are you goin'? Where you goin'?

Where you, where you going?

Stop. Let go, man, come on, man, get back, get out of here.

- Where you going, man? - Freak!

Marlon.

Hey, pop, look, we got somethin' to tell you.

No, me first.

I just put a deposit down on our old cabin at Camp Woodchuck.

- Pop, you can't do-- - We were lucky too.

You know they booked through the whole winter?

Oh.

It's gonna be like old times, son.

- What were you gonna say? - Yeah, tell him.

'Come, tell him. Tell him.'

Yeah, tell him, Shawn.

Oh, uh, well, what we were gonna say was, um

we-we basically just wanted to say, uh..

♪Kumbayah

Here we are. Cabin number 6.

Just like comin' home.

Yeah...if you're the Unabomber.

Damn, pop.

No offense, but, uh

this look like a little project on the prairie.

Oh, come on, Marlon, you'll get into the camping mood.

Once you catch a big catfish and cut his head off

and rip out his guts, wrap some hot grease around him, man

with some hot sauce and corn bread.

Whoo! Mm-mm.

You know, pop, lookin' around this cabin

it's all startin' to come back to me now.

- We hated this place. - Yeah.

Oh, it's not that bad.

What about the great wildlife up here?

Remember when we went hunting

and we came back with our own venison?

Pop, we didn't go huntin'.

You were speeding through a deer crossing.

And bam! Knocked the hell out of Bambi.

What's the difference? Meat is meat.

We saved ourselves a bullet.

Besides it doesn't matter where we are

as long as all three of us are havin' fun.

A father and his two sons.

Pops is right. I mean, we might as well make the best of it.

- Come on, let's get unpacked. - Alright.

That's right. It's freezin' in here.

Let's find some firewood.

Found some.

Okay, gather around, boys. Let me tell you a ghost story.

Come on, now, pop. We too old for that ghost story stuff, man.

Yeah, your ghost stories don't scare us.

- Besides we heard 'em all. - Oh, really?

How about the one with the beautiful woman with a face

like Halle Berry and a body like Janet Jackson?

Now that's the kind of story I'm tryin' to hear.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

She showed up at the door

in a skintight dress, carrying a bundle.

The door opened

and a handsome man was standing there.

Look a little like you two.

She pulled the blanket back and showed him the baby

and she screamed..

[inhales sharply] "...You're the father!"

[both screaming]

- Oh, get off me, Marlon! - Oh, I'm sorry.

My bad, G.

Come on, pops, what's the matter with you?

Yeah, man. What you tryin' to do? Give us nightmares?

[giggling] Gotcha.

I can still scare the daylights out of you two.

[laughs]

[knock on door]

What was that?

Come on, pops, stop playin', man.

There ain't nothin' out there.

Shawn, check it out, Shawn.

That sound like a bear, yo.

- Yeah, Shawn. - Hey, no, S.. Get, hey, get--

Hey, you the tough one. Go.

[growling]

Yo, he sounds hungry.

[all screaming]

- Help! - Help me.

Help! Help me!

(Pops) 'Hey, Shawn, hey, Marlon!'

Man, what the hell is wrong with y'all in here?

- Get up. - Oh, Dupree, man!

You shouldn't be sneakin' up on people with your big ass

lookin' like Sasquatch.

I know. Two hunters took shots at us.

- You see? - Yeah.

But I bet you, they didn't expect

Bigfoot to shoot back.

Bam! Booya.

- Do you understand me? - Yeah, I understand.

- Bam, oh! - Bam!

Now, T.C., where the hell did you get this outfit?

You look like Robin Hood's pimp.

What are you two doin' here?

Well, since you guys couldn't come to the party

'we decided to bring the party to you.'

Party? What party?

Come on, ladies.

Allow me to introduce to you the Chocolate Calendar Girls.

[chuckles] That's April

May

June.

[Dupree grunts]

And you must be July.

No. My name Velveeta.

My mama love nachos.

Oh, really?

Is that so?

Excuse me, brother.

That's nacho cheese, alright?

Now, come on, little girl.

Ey, man, nothin' little 'bout you, huh?

Hey, uh, Dupree, how you all get up here, man?

- How we get here? - Yeah.

You told us, and that map you gave us

was straight foolishness!

Dupree, shut up.

You told them, Marlon?

Yeah.

But I also told this water buffalo

not to tell you I told you.

Hey, now. Come on. Let's get our freak on.

[Quad City DJ's singing "C'mon N Ride It"]

♪ Come on ride the train ♪

♪ Come on ride the train.. ♪

I can't believe you did this, Marlon.

This was supposed to be our weekend.

Hey, pops, don't worry about it. It's still our weekend.

We just gonna mix it up with their weekend. Have fun.

- Come on, man. - What about our quality time?

Brother, you've seen Velveeta? That's some quality cheese.

Move your body.

I wanted to spend some time with you guys.

That's why we came up here.

♪ Come on ride the train it's the choo choo and ride it ♪

Ah, forget it.

♪ Come on ride the train it's the choo choo.. ♪♪

[music continues]

Eat that food. Eat it, eat it.

Hey, baby, why you lookin' around?

'Cause I'm ri-i-ight here.

- 'Hey, Marlon?' - Ooh, eat it, eat it..

- Marlon? - 'Eat that food.'

Ey, Marlon, you seen pop, man?

I'm gettin' worried about him.

Eat that food. Eat it.

- 'Eat that food.' - Marlon?

Eat, eat, eat.

Eat that food. Eat it, eat.

I can't find pop, man.

Pop? Coo-coo!

[screams] What's up, B?

No, punk.

Car's still here.

Well, he looked a little mad, Shawn.

Maybe he just went for a walk, you know, blow off some steam.

Man, why'd you have to invite The Pointer Sisters up here?

Do you know how important this weekend was to pop?

Ey, well, don't blame me.

Look, you said you didn't wanna be up here either, alright?

Well, at least I was willin' to suffer through it.

Ey, well, you've always been the strong one, Shawn.

Me? I always buckled under peer pressure.

Remember the finger wave? Boy, you should have got one, Shawn.

We could have been Rodney-O & Joe Cooley.

Mine was pumped, pa pa pa.

It's time to get mine back.

I'm just worried about him, man. It's dark out there.

Come on, G. Let's go out there and look for him.

Alright, just let me go get our coats..

...and a light...and a quickie.

You ain't back in 30 seconds, I'm comin' in there after you.

Boy, this is me. It'll only take me 15.

Alright, come on, let's go.

I'm tired, man. Come on.

[upbeat music]

Pop?

Pop?

- Pop? - Shawn, look!

I just wrote my name in the snow.

Hey!

- In script! Come on. - What's the matter with you?

Pop?

Hey, man, it's freezin' out here.

My nipples are harder than a porno star's.

Poor pop, man. He's been out here for hours without a coat.

Yo, man, maybe we should go back to the cabin.

- He might be back there. - Good idea.

Where's the cabin?

I left a trail of jelly beans leading back to the cabin.

- Uh, what happened to them? - You mean these?

I didn't know. I thought they were growin' wild.

- Hmm, you want one? - Yeah.

Oh, my favorite.

[laughs]

Here, bro.

Oh, snap. Marlon, look, a cave.

Yo, let's go inside. Pop might be in there.

Boy, you better leave that chronic alone.

I ain't goin' in there.

If you don't get your behind in there..

Oh, shoot.

- Shawn, I'm scared, I-- - Just go in there!

Man, it's even colder in here. Come on, G, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, Marlon.

Look.

Oh, my God.

Either these are pops' bones or someone threw up some KFC.

Oh, my God.

Look. Pops' hat.

[both gasp]

Pops?

Pops?

Why?

[screaming]

Why you screaming like that?

Oh, my God, Pops, we thought that was you.

I don't have antlers!

What are you two doin' up here anyway?

We came up here to get you. We thought you were lost.

Well, I wouldn't have run off if you hadn't invited

those damn cabin hoochies up here.

I didn't invite them up here. Marlon did.

Hey, well, you said that you'd have a horrible

'time up here with this old geezer.'

No, you shush.

- Oh, it's like that, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Can't stand to be with me? Came up here out of pity.

Well, if you don't wanna be with me, I don't wanna be with you.

- Get out of my way. - Now, come, let me..

Why'd you tell him that, stupid?

You sold me out, so I sold you out.

Come on, man. Let's get out of here.

Let's go back to the cabin. Get out of this stupid rathole.

[rumbling]

Hold it, hold it, hold it. Don't nobody move. Don't nobody move.

These caves are very sensitive.

The slightest sound will trigger a-a avalanche.

[pager beeping]

[screaming]

[Marlon screaming]

Oh, my God, we're trapped.

Oh, my God! We're trapped. We're trapped!

[choking]

I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

[coughing]

I'm runnin' out of air.

[coughing] Need oxygen.

If I could only reach my utility belt.

I wanna live.

I...I wanna live.

You cannot tunnel out of there. The snow will bury us.

Now, we all gotta just settle down

and sit tight until help come.

Pop, nobody even knows we're here.

We're gonna die.

We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

- Gonna die! - We're gonna die!

Now, wait a minute. Nobody panic. No, no.

- Nobody panic. Nobody panic! - 'We gonna die!'

A cave this size has got enough oxygen to last us

f-five or six hours.

- Right. - Six hours, that's good.

Oh, shoot, we are gonna die!

[screaming]

[squeaking] We're gonna di-i-ie! We're gonna die!

- Marlon! Calm down. - We're gonna die!

- You get a hold of yourself. - 'We're gonna die.'

I'm too pretty, I'm too pretty to die, don't..

- 'Get a hold of yourself.' - I'm a dead man!

I'm a dead man!

- 'Pop?' - Boy, you crazy?

- No, pop. - You ain't gonna die!

- I'mma kill you! - No.

[upbeat music]

[both screaming]

If we're gonna survive, we gotta stick together.

Pops is right.

Now, Shawn, give me your jacket.

Hell no.

Alright, alright, come on, everybody just huddle together.

We gonna share that for warmth.

Let's huddle up.

I never thought I'd go out this way.

Yeah, me neither, pop.

I always thought you'd have a slow, lingerin' death.

Yeah, first you'd lose your mind..

...then you'd lose control of your bodily functions..

...then you'd just start stinkin' like hot garbage.

And you'd smell so bad, we just gotta pull the plug on you.

Put you out of your stinkin' miseries.

Then we sell your kidneys and buy a Benz.

- With rims and fat.. - Know what I mean?

- You know, boys? - Mm.

All this is my fault, I should

I should never have brought you up here.

No, pop, it's-it's okay, man.

Well, no, I'm thinkin' about my own papa

and how the time I had with him I just took for granted.

He invited me into a lot of places.

Movies, ball games and-and even camping.

I never had time to go.

When I found time to go with him...he was gone.

He died at 52.

Hey, look, pop..

...I know me and Marlon been really busy lately

but to tell you the truth

I mean, we love comin' into the diner

and hangin' out with you.

Just listenin' to all your crazy stories

and gettin' advice from you.

Yeah, pop, and singin'

and makin' fun of the customers, and crackin' your safe.

You're tryin' to crack my safe?

Point is, we didn't need to come up here

to-to bond with you, pop.

We love you, man. We hang with you everyday.

Word up.

[Marlon thinking] Oh, my God.

The end is close.

I can't feel my fingers! I can't feel my fingers!

[screams]

Oh, my bad, G, I thought it was mine.

- And that tastes good. - Get off me.

(Dupree) 'Pop? Shawn? Marlon? You all in there?'

Is that you, God?

We ready to go, Lord.

God, I know I put some bad things in my chili

but nobody got hurt.

Nobody got hurt.

- Pop? - Huh?

The black Russian saved us.

How did you boys shovel through that snow?

Snow?

This tunnel leads through the mountain

to the ranger's station.

Ranger's station? We could have left here the whole time?

Yep, and we need to get back

'cause the girls are at the cabin

and they waitin'. We need to go.

And they roastin' marshmallows, nekkid.

Mm-m-m-m, mmm! Marshmallows!

Man, I got to go!

Uh, well, Dupree?

You and the pimp of Nottingham go ahead.

Take the girls back home.

Me, Marlon and pop is gonna spend

the rest of the weekend here as a family.

Yeah...and we gonna roast marshmallows with our father..

...naked.

Wow, everything's over, isn't it?

- Yeah. - We gonna live?

- Mm-hmm. - That's a wonderful thing.

- Yeah. - Let me ask you one question.

- Huh? - Hm?

Why did you smack me in my face?

[indistinct]

We're gonna die. I'm too pretty.

I'm too pretty to die, I'm too pretty to die, don't..

- Get a hold of yourself. - I'm a dead man!

I'm a dead man!

- Pop? - Boy, you crazy?

- No, pop-- - You ain't gonna die!

- I'mma kill you! - No, pop.

No! No! Aah! Aah!

Oh, I'm stuck. Help me, boys. Help me.

[Pops screaming]

You gonna die.

You gonna die, you gonna die.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say cheese.