Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

(Shawn) Damn, Dee.

You look like a ghetto walrus.

North pole, fool. North pole.

- I'm only playin'. - I'm in no mood for jokes.

Autumn just started, and it already snowed.

On top of that, I gotta do double duty.

That Neidermeyer is driving me crazy.

He not only has me patrolling inside

he got me patrolling outside as well.

- That other security guard? - 'Mm-hmm.'

Came down with a heart attack.

Oh, that's what was goin' on.

'Cause I've seen that brother rollin' around on the ground.

Well, I thought he was just makin' a snow angel.

Please.

Um,Signor mind helpin' me out?

Give me a hand, man, I don't pay you

below minimum wage for nothin'.

I'm sorry, G, I'm just tryin' to finish this puzzle.

Yo, kid, first prize as a family trip to the Bahamas.

I'm telling you, baby. I'mma gonna win this for the family.

- It's easy, too. - Let me see.

- One problem. - What?

- This is wrong. - What do you mean it's wrong?

Marlon, the sergeant general was not Dr. Dre.

Oh, yeah.

It's Dr. Seuss.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright. Cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite. That is..'

[upbeat music]

[instrumental music]

(Dee) 'Hey, pop.'

I would do anything for a hot chocolate.

Careful what you say, Dee.

The cold bring out the loneliness in a man.

Give me that cocoa, old man.

Yeah, I'll have a hot chocolate too.

Well, we seem to have ourselves a little situation here.

There's only one packet left.

I'll give you a buck for that, pop.

I'll give you a buck 50.

- Do I hear two? - Two.

- Two fifty. - Do I hear five?

- Fi-- - Hey.

I've been shoveling snow since 6 a.m. this mornin'.

You better gimme that cocoa, or I'mma take this

and turn you into a puddin' pie.

I'll just have some coffee.

Good, good. Go, go. Go on.

Sold to the lady with the snotsicles.

Put this on my tab.

Marlon. Marlon.

I'm tellin' you, boy, you put down that stupid answer

you could forget about winning the contest.

I know what I'm doin', Shawn. Give me.

Let's-let's ask somebody smart, like pop. He got his GED.

Pop. Pop.

- I'm tellin' you. - I'm tellin you, bro.

- Ah, you don't know nothin'. - Ah, phooey.

- Ask him. - What's all this ruckus about?

Pop, Marlon just needs one more word, and we could win

a vacation to Bahamas, and he's about to blow it.

What, Shawn, I'm tellin' you, I got the right answer.

Pop, listen. It's a six letter word beginning with letter H.

And it's something that's very expensive.

That's easy.

Hooker!

- Right? - No, Marlon. Houses.

- Houses? - My bad.

I thought it was hoochie.

Hoochie?

What you tryin' to teach my babies?

- Hey, oh.. - Hey, oh-oh..

Hold on, grandma. Relax.

I'm only entering a contest.

All it needs is a stamp, and we are one leg closer

to that family dream vacation, baby.

Mm-hmm. Well I won't hold my breath.

I wish you would.

'Cause you're stinkin' up my diner.

It's that funky cologne.

Well, you bought it for me.

I know.

Alright.

Okay, look, while y'all two are fightin'

I'mma go mail off my entry form.

Anybody got a stamp?

I do.

And I'll mail it for you, baby.

Come on, Marl. We got customers out there.

Thank you, grandma.

- Hey, I owe you one. - Oh!

You're the man, grandma. You're the man.

Now, I know why you got the mustache.

Go.

You sure got a nasty place here.

What do I gotta do

to get a hot chocolate around here?

Yeah, I'll have a hot chocolate too.

[laughing]

Well, we seem to have ourself a little situation.

There's only one packet left.

[instrumental music]

Look it. That's the girl, Kim, from the third floor.

That little mami is fine.

Boy, she is not interested in you.

Every time you approach her, she avoids you

like that little monkey from "Outbreak."

[high-pitched squealing]

Psst, mami.

Psst.Mira.

Que pasa?

I was wonderin' if maybe, you know, me and you could go out..

...sometime, you know what I mean?

Well, no need to wonder any longer.

[indistinct]

Because it'll never happen.

Did you see that?

She spoke to me.

She spoke to me!

Hi, y'all. Woowie!

It's cold out there.

Hey, grandma.

You gotta be careful, grandma.

Remember last time it was this cold

you forgot to put your teeth in and your gums stuck together.

[both laughing] Oh, don't worry about me.

I had to come by, bring my babies some lunch.

Aww, that's sweet, grandma.

But you know, we always eat at pop's place.

I don't want you to ever eat in there again.

I saw him in the alley chasing a cat

with a shaken bake bag in his hand.

Who wants chicken?

Why y'all lookin' at me like that?

Meow!

[telephone ringing]

Chello, Casanova da Ghetto speaking.

Yeah. This is Marlon Wayans.

Contest?

Oh, yeah, the Bahamas contest.

I, what?

Get the, huh, outta here!

I won? I did?

Oh, I won!

I won! I won!

I won! I won! I won!

I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won.

Hello.

Thank you, no, thank you so much. Thank you.

I love you. My family loves you.

Family, say "I love you."

(all) I love you.

Okay. You take it easy. Alright. Bye.

Pop. I won, baby!

- We're goin' to the Bahamas. - Bahamas?

[both cheering]

Oh, man, kid.

Beautiful women, sunny beaches.

It's gonna be like the black "Baywatch" over there.

- Do I get to go too? - Oh, I'm sorry.

The Bahamas have enough fruit bats flyin' around already.

Hey, pop. Of course you can come, grandma.

- What is going on? - Dee.

- 'What?' - I won, baby.

I'm goin' to the Bahamas.

Ooh!

The Bahamas!

Those tropical breeze

and them half naked men.

- Hey. - Hey, ho, ho, ho.

- Hey, what? - Oh, Dee.

Cold done turned you into a freak.

Oh-oh!

But you know what? It's warming me up.

Yo, Marlon, winnin' this trip

is the best thing to happen to our family

since pop's got credit at the 99 cents store.

Yes, yeah, baby.

It's about time this family had some good luck.

And with your mama gone

I can use a little R and R.

- Rest and relaxation? - No, brother.

Rum and Roulette.

[instrumental music]

Tropical drinks for everybody.

Where's mine?

I thought you drink out the toilet

like you always do.

You must have me confused

with your bald-headed mama.

Hey, al-alright. Okay, now.

Both of you gotta stop. Okay?

Now, we're gonna have fun on this vacation.

Look at all these cool places we could go hang out.

Ooh. Look at that shuffleboard! That's for me.

If you're lookin' for me, I'll be in the casino.

Well, I'll be spendin' most of my time on the nude beaches.

You know what I'm talkin' about.

Nude beaches.

Well, I guess I won't be needin' my two-piece bikini.

I hope one of those pieces is a blindfold.

[sighs] Hi, guys.

- Eh, man. - 'Hey, guys.'

Marlon Wayans.

You got the plane ticket?

Yeah, I got 'em right here.

But, there's a problem.

What do you mean?

There's only two tickets.

Two tickets?

They said it was a family vacation.

Yeah, I know. I just misread the fine print.

I can only take one other family member.

- Okay, son, when do we leave? - I get the window seat.

I'll send you two fools a postcard.

Marlon, will you please tell Ike and Tina..

...that you're takin' me with you to the Bahamas?

Oh, no, he's not.

He takin' his pop to the soft sands

where we're gonna be sippin' pina colonics.

Wait, wait, come on.

Now, wait, chill, everybody, alright?

Don't worry. I'mma a take care of this. I'mma work it out.

Hey, baby, there's nothing to work out.

Remember, I was the one to mail

the enter-in for you. Remember that?

It was my newspaper, and he's my brother.

And I'm the one who gave him all the answers.

[shouting]

[instrumental music]

[shouting continues]

You're hurtin' me!

Get off of me, damn it!

Heathens!

Excuse me.

Marlon, I know I shouldn't tell you this, baby.

But I'm re-doing my will this week.

Oh, don't believe her. She's dead already!

Now, who's it gonna be?

Me?

The bride of Frankenstein?

Or the brother who pulled your pants down

and showed the whole playground your ding-a-ling?

Or...the man that lied and said

that your turtle ran away

when he really flushed him down the toilet?

[sobbing] Pokey, pop.

He did it himself, son.

It was a clear case of suicide.

How could you do somethin' like that?

- You ugly, old sleaze-stack! - Sleaze-stack?

Somebody get me a stick so I can drive it through her heart.

Hey, hey, come on! Now, stop!

I can't take all this pressure, alright?

Now, y'all chill.

Alright? I got two days before this plane leaves.

I got till then to make up my mind.

That's right. Let's leave the boy alone.

Hey, the boy's a genius. He needs his time.

- I'll wait. - Alright?

(Pops) People crazy around here.

Mm-mm-mm.

Look at here, Marlon.

A $100 bill I found on the floor.

You must've dropped it when you came in.

Hey, thank you. Thank you, pop.

Hey, you got somethin' in your eye.

I see what this is.

Hmm. Oh, yeah.

And you better watch out.

'Cause three of us can play that game.

Oh, it's on, now!

You know, I could make up my mind a lot faster

if I had a...nice, brand new watch.

You know, I'm always willin' to help a brother out.

I can't seem to find my credit card.

You know what?

Now, mine was gold. Thank you. I'll take these too.

You know, I sure wish I had a nice pair

of patent leather shoes.

Not those.

Like you stole those from the Commodores.

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Is it these you're lookin' for? ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Marlon! My little brother!

Just in time.

What's with the Shaka-Zulu chair. What's..

Well, my little warrior, I figured since you've been

workin' so hard lately, it's time for you to relax, man.

This ain't got nothin' to do with 'em tickets, now, would it?

Tickets? What tickets?

Oh, you mean those tickets, man?

Psst, I forgot all about 'em tickets.

Son, I thought you might wanna look at the television

while you're workin', knowin' how you like

"Josie and the Pussycats."

Ah! You know, the one with the tambourine got a fat booty.

Yeah, look at the tail on Josie.

See, you can't draw a better booty than that.

- Thanks, pop. - No sweat.

The father and son bond is the strongest bond there is.

After all, I'm the one that taught you how to ride a bike.

You didn't teach him how to ride no bike.

- The mailman did. - The mailman?

Well, I'm the one who taught him how to throw a knuckleball.

No, you didn't. The mailman taught me that too.

What the hell was the mailman doin' at my house?

We have a post office box.

Oh, my Lord!

Look at these two barracudas trying to play my grandson.

He knows better than that.

Here you go, baby. Now tell grandma where it hurt.

- Umm.. - Hurt over here?

- Right there, granny. - Okay.

Oh-oh, God!

Ah, that feels so good, grandma.

Ah!

[instrumental music]

Aw, ow-oh.

Take the shoes off, first.

Get the bunion, Shawn. Get the bunion.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

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[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

[both screaming]

[panting] Dee?

Dee, is that you?

Marlon?

Girl...I thought you was that little man with the whip.

You had that dream too?

Hell, no, you freak!

Oh, what are you doing here?

Girl, my family is drivin' me up a wall.

Man!

You know, uh, at first it was cool.

You know, gettin' all these gifts

and all this attention.

Well, I don't envy you

'cause whoever you pick

the others are gonna end up hatin' you.

Well, if you were me

I mean, of course, you couldn't have all that, but..

Yeah.

...who would you pick?

I don't know. It's a tough decision.

It's between..

...Wesley or Denzel.

Ah! Ha ha ha.

Come on, Dee. Be serious.

You know, Wesley and Denzel ain't takin' you nowhere.

No. I'm only jokin'.

I don't know, I just thought by gettin' these tickets

you know, it was gonna be great for my family.

Instead it's tearin' us all apart.

- Hmm. - Gosh.

Same thing happened with my Uncle Cephas.

Mm-hmm, yeah, you know.

He won the lotto. Using all our birthdays for the numbers.

- Rah-rah-rah. - Yeah.

So, everybody thought they had a claim.

Honey, the thought of gettin' all that money

turned us into animals.

That $58

tore our family apart.

- Fifty-eight dollars? - Yeah.

Negro, your family split up for $58?

Yeah, now, now, that's the point.

Don't let it happen to your family.

You know, 'cause that vacation is for one week..

...but your family is forever.

Mm-hmm.

Fifty-eight dollars, Dee?

- Oh, don't let me tell you-- - I understand if it was sixty.

Now, baby, don't let me tell you.

Shawn, tell that old man to stop breathin'.

He's gettin' on my nerves.

Shawn, would you please tell that old blood sucker

the sun is comin' out?

Grandma..

...will you explain to polyester king

that I'm not talkin' to him

so I can't tell you what he just told me?

Marlon, where have you been?

- Kid, we was worried about you. - Alright.

- Is everything alright, son? - Yeah, pop, I'm fine.

He's probably just tryin' to get away from you.

Get away from me?

We're about to spend a whole weekend at the Bahamas together.

Come on, kid, we leave tomorrow. Let's get outta here.

- Look, who you gonna choose? - Hey, would y'all just stop?

Damn, chill.

Look at y'all.

These tickets got y'all fightin' and acting crazy.

It got you arguin'.

Turn father against son.

Grandson against grandmother.

- Man against beast. - Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, stop, stop. Come on, grandma, see?

You see? That's exactly what I mean.

Look at y'all.

Nothing's worth all this fightin'

and backstabbin' and misery, man.

'Think about it. We family, y'all.'

And to be real with y'all, none of us

deserve these damn tickets.

Not even myself.

'Cause the whole time y'all fightin' and kissin' up to me..

...I'm busy lettin' y'all do it.

Just as greedy as any of y'all.

Marlon's right.

We've been behavin' like the Jacksons.

You're damn right, Tito.

Baby, we're sorry. We're not acting like ourselves.

I hope you can forgive me. All of us.

It's okay, La Toya.

I don't know what y'all talkin' about.

I meant everything I said.

Come on, son, we can get to the airport if we hurry.

(together) Joe!

Don't make me take off my belt.

Okay. Okay.

I was wrong.

Mm, that's good.

And you know what?

I still got that 100 bucks pop gave us.

Check it out. Why don't we go get some dinner, huh?

A hundred dollars?

So we went from flyin' to the Bahamas

to runnin' for the border?

What you do with those tickets anyway?

Told you, I gave 'em to the person I thought

deserved them the most.

- Dee. - Dee!

- Listen , Marlon, hey. - She's not even in the family.

Yo, how could you do that to us?

Dee?

I wonder who Dee's takin'.

[instrumental music]

- Where are you goin'? - Hey!

Get that old bat before she fly away.

She flew away.

So who you're gonna choose, Dee?

Who ever deserves it.

So keep rubbin'.

- Shawn. - 'Huh?'

Pop my toes.

Ow. Ha ha ha.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say "Cheese."