Original subtitles

I've been waitin' on this day

like broke people wait on government cheese.

All week long.

As a matter of fact, I've been savin'

this bottle of wine for a special occasion.

But since I met you..

[scoffs] ...I don't ever care

if the Knicks win the championship.

I appreciate that, but to tell you the truth

I can't tell the difference between the good stuff

and the cheap stuff.

Good.

I mean, this is the good stuff.

Now, we got a little Barry White.

A little candle light.

And hopefully in a few minutes..

...I'll be holdin' you tight.

[clapping]

[soft music]

Shawn, you don't have to play me like this.

Hey, hey, hey, baby girl. I ain't playin' you.

I ain't never been more serious before in my life.

[sniffle s] Damn!

What's the scent of that candle?

Ass and foot?

[clapping]

Can't you see we're busy here?

Oh, snap!

You got the clapper?

♪ Clap on ♪

[music continues]

♪ Clap on ♪

[laughing] Watch this.

[humming]

Watch. Now I'm gonna portal play.

Oh, yeah.

Come forward.

Vanessa, this is my little brother Marlon.

He's what happened when Jimmy Walker and Screech

have a love child.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite. That is..'

[hip hop music]

[hip hop music]

Here's to many more

sexy, beautiful, romantic evenings together.

[screaming]

[laughing]

[clapping]

I-I'm sorry, I went to reach for the cereal

and I got bit by a roach.

But y'all do your thing.

♪ Clap on ♪

Clap on.

Y'all got roaches?

Just five.

Look, Shawn, it's not the roaches.

This evenin' is just not happenin'.

And I got to get up early in the mornin'.

So, I-I'll see you later.

Wait, hold up. Hey, come on, girl.

How you gonna be from the projects

and be scared of roaches?

Damn.

Sorry you got shot down, kid.

Bow bow bow bow.

Don't apologize. I ain't get shot.

All I need is some flowers and some candy

and a phone call and I'm back in the game.

Hey, lookie here.

I ain't no "Physco Proctologist."

But not like that.

I think you're readin' that girl all wrong.

I think you was comin' on just a little bit

too strong for your first date, kid.

Excuse me.

- You're giving me advice? - Hey, lookie here.

I'm an expert on first dates, alright?

It's just the second dates that I have lot of trouble with.

Well, when I need some advice on blow up dolls..

...I'll give you a call.

A blow up doll's a very tricky creature.

See the key to a good air companion..

...is air pressure.

Ya ain't never read that book?

"Men are from Mars Blow up dolls are from Venus."

Very interestin' book.

[hip hop music]

- Oh! - Hey, Dee.

Great, fine, perfect.

What is wrong with you? I didn't even ask you how you were.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Guess I'm kind of in another world lately.

What is it, Dee? Man trouble again?

Why you always think it's man trouble?

Just 'cause I'm 38, never go out

and still live at home with my mother?

Yeah, it gotta be tough.

Your mama get more action than you.

Oh!

Look, if you really want to know.

It's my 20th high school reunion.

And I'm not so sure I wanna go.

Mm-hmm.

Is it because you're a rent-a-cop?

No, it's not that.

Oh, I know what it is. It's your car.

Uh, Pops, it is not my job.

It's not my car.

It's just...I don't feel good about myself.

Dee, you're sweet, sensitive and strong.

You just described George Foreman.

Well, I'm not gonna go unless I can lose some weight.

- You wanna lose some weight? - Shh!

Go watch your business.

Forget all of this. Shoot.

I'll put you on my weight-loss program.

You go put on some-some gym clothes

and let me start you up with one of my special

never-fail-diet milkshakes.

Ah, Pops, those things don't..

What'd you say, milkshakes?

I sure did, and when we're finished with you

men are gonna be throwing their phone numbers at you

and some freaky ladies too.

[laughing] Oh, stop it. You're crazy.

Okay, Pops, if you're serious...I'm in.

I'm really psyched up about this.

I'm gonna put on my bicycle pants.

And I'm gonna go poke my eyes out.

[hip hop music]

Hello again.

Hey-hey! Hey, how you doin' again?

Oh, uh, Shawn'll be right back.

He just went to the hospital to get some ointment

for his lesions.

But don't worry. They're clearin' up.

- Uh.. - No! Joking with you.

[both laughing]

Got you.

I was joking. He'll be right back.

Want some gum? It's free.

Aren't you gonna get in trouble for that?

No, I take stuff all the time.

Shawn pays for it.

Take some candy.

- A booty magazine. - Ah, no, no.

And a super comb.

Lift that little portion up and get all that ketchup back there.

Awesome.

Girl, you comb your hair, sound like you chewin' apples.

[crunching]

You're wrong, you're wrong. You're crazy.

(Marlon) Here, now. Let me comb that.

Hey, hey, hey! What's up, Vanessa?

Oh, hey-hey, Shawn.

- Oh! - You go, girl.

Thank you for the rose and the candy you sent me.

I think it was sweet.

Yeah, just like you, girl.

I figure since our first date got cut a little short

that I'd make it up by, you know..

...gonna get little somethin' to nibble on.

- You mean dinner? - Heh, yeah, that too.

- See you tomorrow night. - Tomorrow night.

Hey, girl, don't forget your booty magazine.

- Oh, no. You keep that. - Alright, I'm gonna need it.

Yeah.

- Yo, kid, she's bad. - That's a dime piece, kid.

On the real, son.

Think she was givin' me a little bit of rhythm too.

And the tune is, "Hit The Road, Jack."

Look here, I'm tellin' you

that kinda girl likes a man that can make her laugh.

Good, then all you have to do is get undressed.

Ha ha ha.

A'ight, you could try all that

Billy Dee Williams stuff if you want.

I'm tellin' you, I just...think she..

...is the kinda girl likes a guy with a sense of humor.

Well, look here, Slim Carrey.

Jokes may work for you but while you're sittin' there

playin' with your little whoopee cushions

and choking your little rubber chicken..

...I'll be knocking some boots.

You hear?

Well, I'll be right in the closet, listenin'.

[hip hop music]

Well, kid, look at you, lookin' all GQ.

Damn! Eh, this suit is fly, kid.

What's this Giorgio Armenian?

It's Armani and don't touch it.

It's goin' back tomorrow.

Oh, you better tuck the tag in.

- Oh, good lookin' now, G. - You got it, baby.

- Hey, Dee. - 'Hey, Pops.'

- What's up, Pops? - Hey.

Hey, Dee, what you doing over here all...wet and sweaty?

Dyin'. Your father's tryin' to kill me.

No, no, no. Dee and I are doin' a little road work.

No, I'm doin' the road work.

You just driving behind me in your car

playing that stupid "Rocky" music.

I'm trying to motivate you.

Hey, chasing me at 35 miles an hour was doing that.

Don't mind her, boy, she's a little grumpy

because she hasn't had a doughnut in three days.

Well, Dee, I'mma tell you right now, I could see the difference.

You're gonna be a slam dunker at that thing tomorrow.

Oh, thank you.

You're lookin' mighty sweet yourself, Shawn.

- Hey, girl, you know. - Hey-hey!

You remind me of Big Hunk and Mr. Goodbar rolled into one.

Yeah, you know.

Chocolate.

Peanuts.

Caramel.

Come on, Dee, we got four more miles to go.

I'll give you one of my special shakes when you finish.

Now, I want you to go get a head start..

...because my brakes are bad.

Shawn, come here.

I brought you that Tail of the Lobster

uh, coupon for your date.

Now, see what you do

you wrap it in a dollar..

...and you hand it to the waiter just like that, see.

That way she'll never know y'all eating two for one.

[laughing]

No, no, no, pop. That's tacky.

I ain't goin' out like that.

- Okay. - But, hey.

Just in case, I did..

...what do I do, tuck it or roll it?

You roll it.

Oh, no, no, brother, no.

- Not like that? - Never, never.

Uh, uh, re-really?

[telephone ringing]

- Okay. - Hello.

- Desperate. - Hey, what's up, Vanessa?

How you doin'?

What's going on?

Oh!

Your mother got the Ebola virus.

Well, that's okay. We'll just bring her some chicken soup.

Hmm. Oh, I see.

No, no, hey-hey, you know, it's cool.

Hey, look, I ain't even dressed yet.

Yes, you are.

Yeah, yeah, that's cool.

Yeah, alright.

Peace.

Bow bow b-bow bow!

Bow. Ha-ha.

Looks like you got shot down again, kid.

No, really though, I'm sorry, man.

You ain't gotta apologize. She..

She ain't, she ain't all that anyway.

Boy, why you tryin' to front?

Moi?

Look, Marlon, I don't care about her.

She ain't all that anyway. She's all skinny and ashy.

Look like she got the Ebola virus.

[telephone ringing]

Don't touch it. It's Vanessa.

Hello?

What's up, girl?

See now, see now, I already made my plans.

I changed my plans already for the night, girl.

Huh, so you and your mother's

gonna have to quarantine yourself in..

Say what?

Is that right?

Marlon.

It's for you.

For me?

[hip hop music]

[hip hop music]

(Marlon) Hello?

[whispers] Hang up the phone. Hang up.

'Hey, what's up, Vanessa?'

'Yeah.'

I'm sorry to hear about your mom and the Ebola--

Oh, your mom never had the Ebola virus.

'Girl, you're crazy.'

You know what, girl, I'm gonna lock you up

like Robert Downey Jr.

What?

You wanna go out with me?

'Uh, hold on.'

Eh, do you hear heavy breathin'?

- 'Shawn.' - Damn fly.

Got him.

Tryin' to buzz on in your conversation.

Hello? Yeah.

'What, you-you wanna go out tomorrow night?'

Okay.

You keep it tight, girl. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

[laughing]

Okay, bye-bye.

Oh, man..

[grunts] Who was that?

Well, you know exactly who it was.

It was Vanessa.

She wants to go out with me tomorrow night.

Yo, kid, I can't believe it. Whoo-hoo!

I'mma be all over her like glaze on a doughnut.

All sweet and sticky.

And I'mma dunk all upon this coffee here.

When the milk is..

I mean, if that's cool with you.

Oh, yes. It's cool with me.

You mean, you ain't jealous?

Come on, man. Nothin' to be jealous about.

I mean, come on.

Eh, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon

my naive little brother.

Don't you see what this is?

Yeah, your girl just dumped you for me.

So young, fragile even.

Marlon, let me school you, kid.

- Okay, peep game. - Alright. Alright.

Vanessa calls me and dumped me, right?

True, true, true, true.

Then she calls back five minutes later

knowin' I'm here, to go back out with you?

Right, right, right.

She is so obvious, man.

She's trying to use you to get to me.

Negro, what you smokin'?

It's obvious the broad is into me, Shawn.

Just face it.

You're the loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ser.

No, I'm not the loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ser, okay.

You got it backwards, kid, and I'll prove it.

Tomorrow night, go on out with little ashy behind Vanessa.

And I'll go out with somebody else.

- We'll do a double-double date. - Alright.

That way my date will be with me.

Vanessa would want to be with me.

And you would want to be me.

Actually it's kinda fun being me right now.

[hip hop music]

(Marlon) Say girl, why don't you come over here

and let me pinch your tail?

'Smack. Lookie here.'

You better watch who you talkin' to

you old fresh mouth bottom feeder.

That's why you got the crabs.

Marlon, you crack me up.

Don't you mean..

...I crab you up?

Remember where they come from, girl.

Delightful.

Eh, Jacques Cousteau.

You mind giving Allison back her lobsters.

Thank you, Shawn, it's so nice to see

that somebody has manners.

Can I have a different lobster, one that hasn't been

molested by your brother?

Oui, oui, mon cheri amour.

Are you bilingual too, Marlon?

Umm-umm. I just like girls.

[hip hop music]

Ooh, look at you, girl. Legs and everything.

And I owe it all to you, Pops.

I can fit into my dress.

Dee, I never noticed before

but you got some nice hams on you.

Twenty years ago, I would have glazed you

thrown some pineapples on you and had you for lunch.

I forgot you're kinda weird, Pops.

Oh, that ain't nothing, you should see what I do

with pig feet and some hot sauce.

Come on. Well..

I can't wait to get to my reunion to see the school yard

and all those old familiar faces.

Dee, that's not why you're going.

You're right, I can't wait to see those

balding heads and turkey necks

and those cheerleaders with their saggin' pom-poms.

[laughing]

Well, you go, Dee. And you rub it in their faces.

- You worked hard for that body. - Yes.

- Disciplined your appetite. - Absolutely.

- Exercised regularly. - Now you know that's the truth.

Practiced good nutritional habits that'll last a lifetime.

Alright, yes, that too. Oh, which reminds me..

- Here. See you, Pops. - What is this?

Six hamburgers, four Philly cheesesteaks

three orders of chili fries and two pies?

Yeah, that's my order when I get back from the reunion.

I am hungry! Get to cookin'.

[instrumental music]

You know, Allison, they say oysters are

a very powerful aphrodisiac.

Man, Afros is out of style.

Better get yourself a flat top-o-disiac.

Please, Allison, don't pay this fool any mind.

We ain't gonna let anything spoil our evening together.

Here's a toast to us.

If you're talking to me, Shawn, I'm over here.

Oh, I know, I was gonna bring it back around.

Ooh! Ain't nothin' like a fresh leg of steno and scrumps.

- Scrumps? - I love me some scrumps.

[imitates Marlon Brando] Girl, fried shrimp.

[laughing]

Jumbo shrimps.

Shrimp scampi.

I love me some shrimp scramy.

Shrimp scramy.

Marlon, you are so cute.

I could just eat you up.

Well, baby..

...dip me in butter and come on with it.

Oh, you're pretty.

Hey, hey, hey.

[spoons clinking]

Look at me, look at me.

Hercules, Hercules, Hercules.

Hercules, Hercules, Hercules.

Hercules.

Wait, look, look.

I got some ghetto lobster earrings.

Okay, I'm uptown.

I'll be uptown around the way, girl.

I need a girl with extensions in her hair.

Lobster earrings at least two pair.

Eh, eh, look, look. Marlon Brando in "Forrest Gump."

My son, my son.

I like scrump. I like shrimp.

I like ice cream. I like cake.

Give me all your food

or else you'll sleep with the fishes.

What the hell are you doing, Shawn?

You're makin' a ass out of yourself

in front of this whole restaurant.

- God! How embarrassing. - I know.

Would you excuse me a second?

I need to go use the ladies room.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold up.

Don't forget your protecto sheet.

Did they change the location of the bathroom?

- I don't think so. - Your date just broke out.

Allison! Allison!

Man! Psst!

I can't believe she left me.

Yeah, and that was our only ride home too.

- Ed Grimley can move, boy. - Shut up!

Eh! Tattoo.

Can you do me a favor and catch us a cab?

- Sure. - The cab, Tattoo. The cab.

There's a little somethin' for your trouble.

Uh, excuse me...boss.

But I'm gonna have to charge you full price.

This, uh, two for one coupon expired.

- Hey, shh. - Coupon?

You gave him a coupon?

Damn, I can't believe I ever wanted to date you.

- You triflin'! - Yeah, he triflin'.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm triflin'? - Did I stutter?

[stuttering] Oh-oh, you didn't stutter, Phony Braxton.

I'll show you triflin'.

I'll show you triflin', okay.

I want half of the money for the check, okay.

Now you had two lobsters.

You was puttin' away that, um, coleslaw like it was

school free lunch, right.

Also you..

[hip hop music]

Why you givin' me the silent treatment, man?

I had the best night of my life. What you mad about?

Marlon...I love you.

You're my little brother.

But I'm gonna have to bust your ass.

Aah!

[screaming]

No, Shawn. Wait, Shawn, please.

Don't hit me. I'm a bleeder. I'm a bleeder.

Please, Shawn, look.

You said, it was okay, Shawn. Remember?

The double-double date?

- Guess, you're right. - She sure was a freak though.

- Boy! - Alright! No, no, no.

I acted like a fool.

Let my ego get in the way.

You know what it is?

I just couldn't fathom

a girl who'd want to actually

go out with you, instead of me.

I-I..

Look, you don't..

Don't you get it, G?

Some girls are gonna go for a guy who's unaffected

sincere, and who acts stupid?

Yeah, stupid.

And some girls are gonna go for

that ol' dolemite game you got.

[laughing]

I gotta give you your props still, kid.

- You comin' up, G. - Thanks, G.

Word up. Maybe my Mac is getting old and tired.

Oh, man, your Mac ain't getting old.

Just didn't work.

But you gotta give me my dap, you know

because the little brother comin' up.

You know, gettin' his pimp on.

[both mumbling]

Alright.

Word up, G, man. I'm proud of you, man.

You-you won her fair and square.

- Sure did. - No strings attached.

- None at all - Well, what's the score now?

Shawn 2000, Marlone one.

I'm gainin' on you, bro. I'm gainin' on you.

- Alright. - Alright, man.

Hey, two thousand one and a half.

That little midget.

[hip hop music]

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Hey, what's up, Allison?

Howdy do? What's going on, girl?

Hey, I'm glad you called, 'cause I was just about to call you.

I'm really sorry about dinner.

Yeah, I could..

Say what? Mm-hmm.

Are you sure about that?

[clearing throat]

Marlon, it's you again.

I'm on a roll.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say cheese.