Original subtitles

(Shawn) 'One thousand nine hundred and ninety nine.'

Two thousand.

"I love you."

Yeah, hello, Lisa? Hey, baby, come over.

I've been workin' on somethin' all mornin'.

I got a surprise for you, girl.

Alright, see you in a minute. Buh-bye.

Hey, Shawn.

[dominos rattling]

Aw.

I love you, too, Shawn.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high-five ♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪♪

for work and Mr. Clotworthy is gonna kill me.

Oh, don't worry, about it, I'll catch you a cab.

Back up off the curb, please. Thank you.

[shouting] Taxi!

Taxi!

Hey, boy, come here!

You'll never catch no cab like that

screaming like a maniac.

You oughta show some class.

Watch.

Here.

Taxi?

[clears throat]

Taxi?

[clears throat] Pardon me.

Would you happen to have some Grey Poupon?

I don't believe this, man.

What does it take for a brother to catch a cab around here?

What's he gotta do, lie down in the middle of the street

and hope a cab don't run him over?

I know, right?

Hey, Marlon, why don't you lie down in the middle of the street

and hope this next cab don't run you over?

I bet.

[tires screeching]

Oh, Lord!

Thanks, kid!

You got it, baby.

Alright, let's buckle up in there!

Keep him safe. Fifty-five. Stay alive!

Mo-ove out, baby.

Let's go!

[instrumental music]

Hey, pops, I'm sorry I'm late, man

but you ain't gonna believe what happened.

I got abducted by some aliens.

- Really? - Yeah.

This is the third time this week

you've been abducted by aliens.

Well, they sure make a lot of trips to come

and see you, don't they?

- Yeah, you tellin' me? - You know what I'mma do?

I'm gonna deduct it from your pay.

See, pop, that's wrong, you don't deduct Benny's pay

when he takes off for Yom Kippur.

You think I need trouble with the Jewish Defense League

off up in here?

Now get in the kitchen and scrape the grill clean.

You know, you ain't too old to get spanked.

[both laughing]

Pop, how you gonna play me like that

in front of people, man.

I'll take them pants down right now.

Somebody hand me an egg beater.

See, this ain't even right, Benny.

See, pops is keeping the black man down.

Fight the power!

No justice, no peace!

And free Mike Tyson.

As-salamu alaykum,

[instrumental music]

Marlon, I had a bad day. Don't talk to me.

And I don't even wanna see your lopsided pumpkin-head.

You hear me?

Marlon, are you home?

Well, good, then. That's how I wanted it, anyway.

Yo, Shawn, my day was whack. I don't wanna hear from you.

I don't wanna see that little pretty-girl face of yours.

- You understand me? - I hear you.

[screams]

I didn't even know you was here, B.

Hey! That's the last root beer.

Come on, man, you know I always drink root beer

when I have a bad day.

Come on, man, get off! That's mine.

- No, you get off! - Get off!

- You get off. - Let go.

- You let go. - Let go!

- You let go. - Let go.

- Let go. - Alright.

On three, we'll both let go.

Whoever had the worst day gets to drink the root beer.

- Okay? - Okay.

(both) One, two, three.

Alright, let go, just together.

- One, two, three. - One, two, three. Hands up.

Hands in the air like you're gettin' arrested.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Alright. - Cool.

Today at work

pops threatened to pull down my pants

and spank me in front of the whole entire restaurant.

- Wow, that ain't right. - Mm-hmm.

I mean, you're his employee.

He should treat you with respect.

Yeah, I know, I guess I'm just a busboy.

Marlon, don't talk like that.

Haven't I taught you anything about self-respect, stupid?

Remember that time when pops was coaching you

in Little League?

Yeah, he used to tell me I play like a girl

until that one day

I caught that line drive right in my mouth.

[grunting]

Yeah, you had teeth like Leon Spinks

but pops respected you afterwards.

Yeah, yeah, man.

See, you need to go tell pop

to give you the respect you deserve

'cause you're an adult

and you have a job to do.

Yeah! I'm an adult with a job.

- Who buses those tables, who? - I do.

Who jumps up and down in the dumpster

to flatten out the garbage?

- Who? - I do.

And who crawls through the air shaft

to clean out the dead rats

before the health inspector comes, who?

I do.

See, you're not worthless, man.

- Yeah. I am somebody. - That's right.

See, what you need, brother..

...is self...respect..

...not self neglect.

Oh, preach on, brother.

You need...in-spiration.

- Mm-hmm. - Nothumiliation!

Ha ha! Amen, Lord!

You need to be treated with dignity and class

not to be hit with a brush on your ass!

Oh, I'm gettin' the spirit.

[mumbling]

I rebuke you, brother!

I rebuke you!

And I tell you..

I tell you to go to pop

and get your respect you deserve!

- That's right! - That's right!

I'mma do it!

I'mma go to pop and I'mma get my respect!

- Keep hope alive. - Keep the pope alive!

No, keep hope alive!

Uh, keep Bob Hope alive!

- Keep hope alive! - Oh, uh..

O.J. was on the phone. Five!

Keep hope alive!

A.C. helped him drive!

Keep hope alive!

Uh, Mike Tyson gets out in '95!

Keep hope alive!

Ah!

Nobody messes with my root beer.

Thank you. Keep the pope alive!

Thank you kindly. Come again.

[laughs]

Look, pops, I need to talk to you.

- I got customers. - I don't care what you got.

Look here, pops. I demand respect from you.

- I do respect you. - Good.

Now, go clean the vomit in the bathroom.

Did you even hear what I said?

What?

Come on, pop, man.

Look, I know I'm late a lot, but I work hard for you.

Hard? You think this is hard?

- Yeah. - This ain't hard, young man.

You try gettin' up at 4 in the mornin'

goin' down in a deep hole

breathin' toxic dust

carryin' hundreds of pounds of rocks on your back

day after day after day after day.

You did that, pop?

Hell no!

That's coal mining, but that's hard.

See, you have no idea how hard it is

out there in the real world.

Oh, really? Well, maybe I just need to find out.

I

What did you say?

You heard me.

I

That's right. Hasta la vista, baby.

That's right, I'm out that door and I'm never comin' back.

I'm out there to make me a fortune, Mister..

...Butterfly Collar.

That's right. Now, who's gonna clean up your little vomit now?

Benny, come here, I got a job for you.

[instrumental music]

[groans]

Oy, vey!

[groans]

Shawn, you'll never guess what happened.

I know, I know, I talked to pops.

Look, G, I'm sorry.

I didn't know when I told you to stand up

for yourself, you'd quit your job.

[blowing a raspberry] Oh, pops schmops.

- Everything worked out fine, G. - Really?

Yeah, you'll never guess what your little brother

been up to, Shawn. Come on, come with me, G.

- Wait, hold on! Marlon! - Come on.

[instrumental music]

What the hell is this?

Grandma's old car.

Why does it have Lionel Richie's old afro on top?

Well, you know how black people can't catch a cab in this city.

Well, they can now.

Introducin'..

...Afro Pick-You-Up.

A cab company exclusively for the brotherman..

...not..

...the other man.

It's a little dry.

Moisture on this brothers.

I'll have a small green salad.

No dressing, no croutons..

...and a lemon wedge on the side.

[laughing]

Man, who are you kidding?

Benny, give me three hamburgers, everything on it.

Piece of cheese cake and a chocolate malt.

Hey, thanks, pops.

You ain't gotta fake it in here, brother.

What's wrong with you?

That pit bull Clotworthy is killin' me.

I've been workin' double shifts, I feel like a dead man

I haven't seen Lisa all week.

Boy, pops, I tell you, this is hard.

Hard? You don't know hard.

Hard is feeling your way through a burning building.

Grabbing a cryin' kid

and tossin' him across your shoulders.

Runnin' down three flights of stairs

with the, with the smoke burning your eyes

and the flames licking your boots.

Pops, you did that?

Hell no!

That's firefighting

but that's hard.

You sure know a lot about jobs you've never done.

I know enough not to be a coal miner or a firefighter.

Well, look what the cat dragged in!

Aha! Hello, little people.

Come to get your job back, huh, Marlon?

[laughing]

I laugh at you, old man.

You and your little trailer park friends.

So what did you come here for?

I'm rich, baby, I just came to flaunt it.

You mean, people actually ride around that Afro-Amero of yours?

Riding and tipping.

All that from the cab?

Affirmative. You know, you laughed at me.

That was a bad move.

Here you go.

Hey, Benny.

Here's a couple of bucks.

Go buy yourself some of that cologne you like

that, uh, Hai Karate.

Who would have believed your brother would become a success?

Look like I owe your mama 50 bucks.

Guess what, Marlon, after you left the diner

I started to think about how successful you are.

So I called up my boss and I told him somethin'

I should've told him a long time ago.

You told him you and Lisa knocked boots

in the back of the truck?

No, G, I quit my job.

I'm joinin' the Afro Pick-You-Up service with you.

- Youwhat? - Yeah, kid, yo!

You'd be real proud of me, man.

I called my boss straight up and I said

"Look, Mr. Clotworthy

"you miserable, Bengay-smellin'

"toupee-wearin', ignorant bum

"I...quit!

"Heh, that's right.

'"Say goodbye to the best thing'

"that ever happened to this

doo-doo brown suit company. Ha!"

Shawn, you shouldn't have done that, man.

Why not, G? I'm your brother, man.

Don't get greedy, share the wealth.

You want me to share the wealth?

- Yeah. - Alright, fine.

Here's everything I earned with my cab business.

A marble, a Buffalo nickel and a tooth?

But in the diner you told pop you were rich.

Yeah, well, I just wanted to make him

look bad in front of Benny.

God, man, what am I gonna do now?

Gosh! I'm never gonna find a job as good as the one at APS.

What am I gonna do?

You can go into the cab business with me.

Boy, you didn't make two cents. How you gonna say that?

Well, that's 'cause I didn't have my college-educated

big brother with me.

Yeah, well, I mean..

I am the one in the family with all the business smarts.

I have always wanted to open up my own company.

See? Just think, Shawn.

This is our destiny, baby.

Me and you..

...entrepreneurs.

You know what? I think you got a point there, little brother.

I mean, with my brains..

...and your..

[laughing]

...and your car..

...we can go nationwide.

Yes!

There you go, partner.

- Yes! - Let's go get paid!

[Spanish music on stereo]

[singing in Spanish]

[turns off radio]

[speaking in foreign language]

Si, el stupido.

We've been riding around for three hours

and no customers.

That's 'cause we ain't go where the black people are.

Marlon, we're in Harlem.

Where you wanna go Zimbabwe?

Well, look, let's just forget about

all the brothers and sisters

and let's just go pick up anybody.

Need I remind you that the idea of Afro Pick-You-Up

is to pick up the brotherman

not the other man?

Need I remind you

that we're two broke, jobless brothers

ridin' around in a four-door Afro?

Let's go try over by the port authority.

Look out, Midtown, we're crossing over, dudes!

'Whoa!'

Oh, look, there's a guy over there. Let's pick him up.

[screaming]

Hey, Mr. Executive, where to, fella?

Nowhere. I'm, I'm fine.

Oh, come on in, Caucasoid.

We're a legitimate cab company.

Here. Here's our ID.

No, thanks, I'm, I'm fine.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "Two black guys

"in a cab with an afro on top?

Come on, not my cup of tea."

Look here, once you go black

you'll never go back.

No, really, I-I'm not interested.

Come on, man, just get in.

Hey, we even got an old "Jet" magazine

with Lola Falana as the centerfold.

You remember her from those hilarious "Bob Hope" specials?

Look, I-I'm not getting in the car.

So just leave me alone, alright?

You're gonna get inside the cab.

- Get up in here. - Alright.

- So where to? - Nowhere!

I live here, you idiots!

- Oh! - Okay.

Sorry about that!

Oh, man!

He stole our "Jet" magazine!

Man, I tell you, those white guys

sure do love them some Lola Falanas.

Hey, look, that dude over there need a cab.

So, mister, where to?

Take me to the World Trade Center

and step on it!

Yes, sir.

[engine cranking]

[clock ticking]

[sighs]

Hey.

What's that noise?

I don't know.

Hey, you hear that, mister?

What, that loud ticking?

Yeah.

No. No. I don't hear anything.

[sighs]

Shawn, it's such a beautiful night.

Let's take the long scenic route.

Oh, no, no. No scenic route.

I'm in a big hurry.

- Hey, the ticking stopped. - Good.

Oh, no! Stop the car!

- Let me out now! - No. Hey, not here, G.

- This is a bad neighborhood. - I don't care. Let me out.

This isn't a good neighborhood, man!

(male #1) 'What did my people do? I can't believe it!'

Hey! That guy forgot to pay us.

- 'Oh, no!' - Ah, don't worry about it.

- You know what I always say. - 'Mm-hmm.'

(both) What goes around, comes around.

[explosion]

Four hours of nothin'.

This is never gonna work, G.

I'm going back to beg for my old job back.

What? You're gonna quit?

Come on, man, pop didn't raise no quitters, Shawn.

You know how we always say

"When the tough gets goin'

you gotta kill two birds with one stone."

What do you say?

Onward, white man, ho!

Where to, sir?

Going to see Cath just one more time?

Goin' home to watch some re-runs of "Hee Haw?"

Shut your freaking mouth

and mind your own freakin' business.

New Yorkers are so freakin' rude.

Oh, I got your freakin' rude.

- Aah! - Oh! Oh, my God!

- He's got a freakin' gun! - Oh!

Shut the freak up!

And drive me to freakin' Canada.

Shawn, Canada, that's 300 miles!

Somethin' like that.

We're rich. We're rollin' in dough, baby!

♪ We're in the money we're in the money ♪♪

I'm not payin' you, you freakin' moron!

Will you shut up? You're gonna get us killed!

You're the one that wanted to pick a white guy.

Alright!

That's freakin' it! Get out!

What the freak are you talkin' about?

We're in the middle of the freakin' street!

Get out of the freakin' car!

[both screaming]

[tires screeching]

[cars honking]

Now, that's better.

[screaming]

[crashes]

[instrumental music]

Damn! I'm all freaked out.

Man, that was a freakin' nightmare.

Yo, Benny, where's pops?

Homeboy's chilling in the basement.

Could you go down there and get him, please?

[speaking in foreign language]

I gotta call my boss and beg for my job back.

Yeah, hello, Mr. Clotworthy?

Yeah, it's me, Shawn.

I'm just callin' because I heard somebody called you up

pretending to be me layin' a lot of insults on you.

I just wanna let you know that I would never say

nothin' like that. Oh, I love my job.

I would never even dream about quittin'.

He said what? I would never say that you wear atoupee.

I mean, everyone knows you wear hair plugs.

It's obvious. I mean, they're an inch apart.

Okay. Alright, then.

Well, then, I'll see you on Monday.

Alright, then. Peace. Take care.

What are you boys doing here?

Hey! What's up, pop?

Let me help you with that.

You know, pop, I was thinkin'.

Although I love bein' on my own and makin' all my money

I think it's better that..

...I be back here with you.

O-oh! The taxicab business went bust, huh?

Yeah. I guess it's harder than I thought in the real world.

Welcome home, son.

- Thank you, pop. - 'Wait a minute.'

Hold up, hold up, before y'all get all lovey-dovey.

Pops, Marlon is not comin' back to work for you

until you treat him like an adult.

Don't worry, I'mma treat him well.

And as for you, Marlon

you gotta treat this job like a responsible, young adult

because if you don't, you're gonna be in a lot of trouble

with me, you got it?

- Yes, Shawn. - Alright.

You know, pops, starting today

I'mma be very responsible.

[clanging]

- Responsibility. - Responsibility.

(Marlon and Shawn) Responsibility.

- Responsibility. - Alright.

[dishes clanging]

[instrumental music]

[sighs] Benny, this is hard. Ah!

(Benny) You think, this is hard?

[speaking in foreign language]

You did all that?

Hell no! That's pig farming, but that's hard.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say cheese.