Original subtitles

- Hey...hey. - What?

Thanks, grandma, for gettin' us this computer.

Oh, well, Shawn's is the head mind.

I figured you could use one to keep track

of your inventory and your accounts.

Well, what about me, grandma?

Oh, now, you know I didn't forget about you, baby.

I got you a new ABC program.

And I got you little calendar.

You never have to be late for work again.

Oh, thank you, grandma.

I was thinkin' 'bout gettin' one of these myself.

'Oh.'

- That's what grannies are for. - Yeah!

- Well, I'm goin' now, boys. - Alright!

- Have a good time. - Hey, grandma, thank you!

- 'You're welcome.' - Alright!

That old geezer.

Marl, why are you bein' so ungrateful, man?

That was sweet of grandma to buy us this computer.

Yeah, yeah.

She really wants us to learn, man!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, now, let's hook up

with some cyber hoochies.

- I bet I'mma hook you up. - Alright.

Okay.

www...horny...dot-com.

- Single black ma-- - No, no, no.

Single blackcute

- Single black cute-- - Wait, uh--

- Go on, now! - Okay, okay, okay.

Whatever you write is cool.

Black males lookin' for..

...ebony...princess.

- Hey, don't. - Must be intelligent--

Hey, hey, hey.

Forget all that, man.

Just put double-jointed and big busted.

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print!'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite, that is..'

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Boy, your fingers are too fat, man.

Will you two slow down?

All this computer talk is confusing.

Pops, I'm tellin' you, it's real easy.

I mean, once you get the hang of it you can track inventory

account receipt book, accounts payable.

I know all about that.

How do I get Sonic the Hedgehog

to jump off this waterfall?

This is too high-tech for him, Shawn.

He had to take his answering machine

back to RadioShack to hear his messages.

I don't know why he needs an answerin' machine.

It's not like anybody ever calls him.

At the sound of the beep, drop dead.

Beep!

Oh, yeah? Beep yourself.

Hey, hey, hey, will you two knock it off?

Well, tell her, she's the one who bought

this stupid machine here.

Hey, pop, this computer's

the best gift we ever had.

Hi, Honey Chow, you ain't lyin', okay?

You know, I already met this girl Ina on..

...in the Risk Taking Room.

- Like that. - What?

"Risk Taking Room." What's that?

Well, that's a chat room on the internet, grandma.

It's for people who like excitement.

You know, freaks.

Anyway, I got a date with her next week.

You're goin' out with somebody you met on a computer?

You don't know what she look like.

That ain't nothin' new.

In my day we called it blind dates.

In you're day they got busy in the back of a stage coach.

- Oh, see now-- - Alright.

I'm not gonna be doing this around here.

Y'all stop!

Now, Marlon, what if this girl turns out to be a dork?

Hey, well, you know that's my style, brah.

Well, there's gotta be somethin' wrong with her

or she'd be out cruising single bars

like all the other respectable single people.

Or sittin' at home with a bottle of whiskey

cleanin' her revolver.

- What? - Oh, did I say that out loud?

I am so sorry.

Well, what's wrong with courting the old fashioned way?

You meet a girl get her pregnant, then you marry her.

- Bang, bang, bang. - Bang, bang, bang.

I knew my daughter didn't marry you for love.

She had to marry you.

Well, I'm not talkin' about me, I'm talkin' about you.

Me? I was pure when I got married.

Yeah, pure ugly.

If they hadn't invented the shotgun you'd still be single.

I wish I had a shotgun now. Pow!

Hey, Marlon, I gotta give you mad props, kid.

Takes a lot of courage

to go out with somebody you never seen before.

Well, brother, not courage.

Desperation.

Do you have the latest issue of "Vogue"?

Yeah, as a matter of fact I..

Uh, uh, as a matter of fact that's over there see your left

it'll be right next to "Harper's".

Thanks.

Yeah.

See now, that's the kind of girl

you ain't gonna meet on computer.

Yeah, 'cause they're all in old age home.

Don't sleep on older woman, kid. I'm tellin' you.

You learn a couple of things from 'em.

Like what? Pinochle?

How to clean your dentures?

And coupon clippin'?

- She got arthritis. - Watch this, watch this.

Oh, no, no, baby, I got that, I got that for you.

- Let me get that. - Oh..

Thanks, I'm so clumsy.

Oh, girl, it ain't your fault.

I mean, someone as fine as you

should have somebody carrying her things for her.

Oh..

Aren't you sweet?

Oh, I hope you got a sweet tooth.

You bad too, but..

...I think I'm a little too old for you.

Pfft. Girl, you ain't old.

You right.

Oh

Well, I bet you're a real ladies man too, hmm?

You wanna find out?

Are you asking me out on a date?

Why, only if you're gonna say, yeah.

Oh, well.

Call me and find out.

- I'm Erica. - I'm Shawn.

[imitating a gunfire]

Well, goodbye, Shawn, you know, maybe, uh..

...uh, I'll talk to you later.

Maybe.

Oh, uh, Erica?

You forgot one thing.

Uh, not the kiss, uh

it's $4.50 for the magazine.

[instrumental music]

Yo, kid.

I'm so happy to have met this girl Erica, man.

She's mad cool.

She got the body, she got the style.

She got the discount on the bus fare.

[laughing]

Hey, nothin' wrong with an older woman, son.

You got that right, pop.

I'm telling you, this girl.

She don't live with her mama.

She drives a nice car.

And she picks up the check.

- Son, you hit the jackpot. - That's what I'm sayin'.

And you know what, she's so energetic, pop

you'll never even know she's 20 years older than me.

Twenty years?

Damn, son. You're mama didn't hold you enough?

Shawn, you tell me this, right now.

You're not a gigolo, are you?

No, I ain't no gigolo, grandma.

It's just that, I like hangin' out with this girl.

She got more to talk about than

who does D'Angelo's braids.

There, kid, you soundin' serious.

Look like Methuselah threw some good ol' kitty at ya.

[yowling]

Crazy kid, not to kid.

- I'm just in it to win. - Wuh-pssh!

- Hit and run. - Shawn.

Don't mess around with a older woman.

You gonna end up gettin' hurt.

Grandma, nobody gonna get hurt

'cause I'm so into the oldies.

Why don't you sweat with somebody of your age then?

Listen, grandma, I appreciate your advice.

But I think I know what I'm doin'.

- I'm a grown man. - Child, wanna lick the spoon?

Hell, yeah.

♪ I got the spoon ♪

Hey, Marlon! You ready to go?

Hey, Ina, how are you doin'?

Hey, everybody, this is Ina.

This the girl I met in the Risk Takin' Room.

Oh, you mean the freak?

Ooh.

- That's my brother Shawn. - Hi.

- That's my tacky father Pop. - Howdy do?

And that's my sweet grandmother.

Aw! How nice to meet you.

Now this is more like it. Look at here.

Nice young girl.Clean.

Well, that's only before I dirty it.

Oh!

So, girl, are you hungry?

Oh, y-you like takin' risk right?

Well, you might wanna try some of pop's mystery chili. Hmm?

Guarantee surprise in every bowl.

Includin' the toilet bowl.

Take it easy, we're about to break out.

- I'll see y'all later. - Bye!

Hey, ladies first.

- You're such a gentleman. - Yes, I am.

Pow.

So, Marlon, in chat room you said

you're a big risk taker.

Are you ready to get risky?

Oh, yeah, what do you have in mind girl?

Well, I was plannin' on a barbecue at my house.

What's so risky about a barbecue?

[gasps] Are we eatin' pork?

'Cause you know I don't mess with the swine, sister.

You better put some bean pads on the grill.

No, no, no.

We're walkin' on white hot coals.

- Can we put some ribs on 'em? - Too dangerous for you?

Oh, no. Hey, girl. Look.

- I'm a big risk taker. Okay? - Hmm..

Look, I even use the public restrooms.

And I don't even put no toilet paper around the seat.

Just raw booty. Pop.

Well, good. If you want me you have to prove you're worthy.

So, are you in..

...or out?

What kind of charcoal we using, regular or mesquite?

[instrumental music]

You know Shawn, this was a perfect evenin'.

You know the wine, the food

and the company.

Thank you, kindly.

Well, there's only one thing missing.

What?

[gasps]

Oh, Shawn, these are so beautiful.

And here's your coat.

We are kind of, well, closed.

Come on, girl.

Let us stay for 20 more minutes.

Look, I'll hook you up with a little somethin'

somethin' for your trouble.

You know overtime.

Oh, a dollar.

Yeah, go get yourself four Blow Pops.

You got two minutes.

So, Erica.

You like to dance?

B-but there isn't any music.

Pfft, girl, New Edition's playin' in my head right now.

Besides, I gave that girl a dollar for two more minutes.

- We gonna use it. - Okay.

Come on, girl. Yeah.

Come along with your Morticia dress on.

Ooh, I just wore it for you.

Thank you, kindly.

- You know, Erica? - Hmm?

You are the sexiest woman I've ever met.

You mean the sexiest older

Hey, you know what they say

"Women are like wine.

They get better with age."

Excuse me? Your dollar's up.

You guys have to go.

Go on, Tisha Campbell.

You know, Shawn, it doesn't have to end here.

Why don't we go to my place?

You know I was just thinkin' that.

But first I gotta get me a little sip of wine.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Oh!

[screaming]

[groaning]

I didn't know toe jam could be so painful.

Hey, what happened with your date with Ina last night?

[groans] Damn freak made me walk on hot coals.

[sighs] At least I burned off my corns.

- That's messed up. - Yeah.

Your feet look like Seal's face.

I bet you won't be goin' out with her anymore.

[Marlon screaming]

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Marlon, I'm sorry.

[crying]

[crying] Oh, Lord, somebody help me.

Oh, God!

Oh, kid..

What do you mean, goin' out with her no more

what are you, sick?

As soon as my feet un-swell, we're goin' bungee jumpin'.

Where have you been all weekend, mister?

Nowhere. Just, you know.

Hanging out with Erika, havin' a good time.

Real good time, huh?

Yeah.

Come on, baby, give me the dirt.

Give me the details.

Marlon, I ain't gonna sit here and tell you

all of me and Erika's business, okay?

Besides, she's not that kind of girl, she's--

Gotta weave!

I knew it. I knew it.

I seen the tracks.

Seen 'em.

No.

She's special.

What?

Oh, come on, man.

I didn't know any better

I think you was in love.

"She's special."

[chuckles]

You know what?

After spending the last weekend with her..

...I think I am.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

So what's up, girl? What made you come over here?

-Uh, - Missed me?

Yes.

Uh, well, I was doing a little shoppin'

and I picked up something for you.

[sighs]

Oh, man!

- This is beautiful. - Oh, yeah?

This is one of them sweaters they wear in them infomercials.

[laughing]

Hey, hey, hey, grandma. This is, um, well, Erika.

Erika, this is my grandma.

Hey-hey, grandma, you seen

the-the beautiful sweater that she gave me?

Oh, isn't that nice?

Did you knit it, dear?

Uh, no, I don't knit.

I'm not surprised.

I bet you can't cook either.

Grandma!

You know what? It's alright, Shawn. Look.

I'm giving a little get-together at my place later.

Why don't you come by after work, huh?

- Alright, see you later. - Alright.

Ooh, don't do that.

- Okay. - That kinda hit my spot.

Howdy do?

- Hey, will you not...not-- - Stop! No.

You don't know where those lips have been.

Grandma, stop it!

- That, Erika? - Mm-hmm.

That's the ol' horse who ain't ready for the glue factory?

Pop, don't talk about her like that.

Look at you, son. That woman got your nose wide open.

You can fly a DC-10 up your nose.

Yeah, well, whatever, pop. Look.

I'm really serious about this girl.

No, son, you can't have a real relationship

with a woman that old.

Honey, you'll be 40, she'll be 60.

When you'll be 60, she be dead.

Shawn, you better listen to us.

Now, when him and me agree something's going on.

We agree? I've changed my mind.

I'd never align myself with the force of evil.

I'd like to align these up against your nappy head.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

You wanna date a older woman.

That's what you gotta look forward to.

The black Annie Oakley.

Look, I don't care what either of you guys think.

I like this girl, I have a lot fun with her

and I'mma continue to see her.

See? See, it's your fault.

First you're in, then you're out, then you're in

'then you're out. Make up your mind.'

(Ina) 'Come on, Marlon. Jump with me.'

Mm-mm. I ain't doing that.

Why not? I thought you were a man.

Yeah, I'm a man.

Real

Look, Ina.

Look, you're beautiful.

I mean, you got a beautiful face

real hair..

...and a booty like a full pack of chips but..

I gotta be honest.

Craziest thing I ever done was..

...get afraid at Supercuts.

I'm sorry but I ain't..

...I ain't riskin' my life for you.

What did you say?

I said,hell no. I ain't doing it.

Gotta be one of them white boys from the Mountain Dew

commercials.

Wow.

Nobody's ever said no to me before.

You really do take risks.

I kinda like that.

Something sexy about that.

- Oh, really? - 'Mm-hmm.'

Well, in that case..

...I'm not doing anything you say.

[chuckles]

Kiss me, Marlon.

No.

Kiss me.

No.

Kiss me.

Okay.

[Ina screaming]

[screaming]

Ina! Hang on!

I'll fly us over to a hospital!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Shawn.

Oh, that sweater looks so good on you.

Thank you, girl.

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

Yeah.

That's okay. The party's just getting started.

So why don't you go on ahead and mingle?

You see, I've to go and see if the Hors d'oeuvres are ready.

- Okay. - Alright. Edgar, come here.

Come here. Edgar?

Edgar, this is Shawn.

He'll take good care of you.

Now, look, don't mess with him, okay?

- Alright. Hey, buddy. - He knows everybody.

- Okay. - How you doing, now?

You sweet on on Erica's daughter.

Booty just like her mama.

Better treat her right.

Uh, actually, Blackie Gleason.

- I'm dating the mom. - Woo! Charlie Ray!

You hear this?

Erica got herself a young

chicken's tender boy.

I got a toothbrush older than you!

Well, maybe you should start usin' it.

What? You better watch out now!

I was bare-knuckle champ

Melvin's Rib House, 1962.

More like pig-knuckle champ.

Now, you just take this brother over here

with the Golden Child hat and go party.

Hey, how you two gettin' along, huh?

I ain't sure, girl.

Oh, don't mind Edgar.

Hey, you know, I really would like to dance.

- Can you do the mash potato? - The what?

Oh, how about the What-You-See?

The Charlie pay day? The bus-stop?

I can moonwalk and butterfly.

Why don't you butterfly on then and change

the tape for me, okay?

Yeah, pretty boy.

Then we'll show you how somereal

Keep talking like that I'mma have to put

my foot up your Macarena.

Alright, everybody. It's party time!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Alright!

Y'all know I used to be a DJ.

[cheering]

[jazz music]

[indistinct chatter]

[cheering]

Oh, hop-skip. Hop-skip girl.

[music continues]

[cheering]

[laughing]

[music continues]

Look, Erica. We need to talk.

Shawn, you're so uptight. What's the matter?

I thought you said I was special.

You are special. I bought you sweater.

You bought everybody a sweater.

Shawn, you're not the only special person in my life.

How could you do this to me? That is so insensitive.

You know, you shouldn't treat people that you

care about like this?

I knew this was gonna happen.

Look, when I got my divorce

I-I just wanted to have fun.

I don't wanna be tied down again.

I thought we was trying to build something together.

Oh, Shawn, you know, I've already been married.

I already have my family.

You know, w-we are people

in two different places in our lives.

And I thought you understood that.

Look, Erica.

I really like you.

I like you too, Shawn but I'm gonna date.

And that's the way it is.

Hey, look, girl, I don't play that.

Now, I'm looking for something

a little bit more solid.

You either gonna be with me

or you ain't gonna be with me.

It's either all or nothing.

I understand.

Well, if you change your mind

you know where I'm at.

[cheering]

[instrumental music]

She blew you off, huh?

Pfft. Are you crazy? She ain't blowin' me off.

- Oh. - I, see I.. She came to..

- I went to her. - Uh-huh.

And I told her, I said

e-either you and me

ain't going to be together..

- And. - Yeah.

Oh, cheer up, young buck!

Go on, get yourself a plate.

Get them lips greasy!

She great. But she ain't all your life.

Yeah, you right about that.

I mean, who does she think she is anyway?

Foxy Brown?

[music continues]

Hey, kid, that Erica had everything

a guy would ever want.

Only problem is, every guy had it.

Hey, don't worry about it, kid.

There's plenty more where that came from.

Besides, I hear Ertha Kitt's available.

She'spurr-fect

So, how's Ina?

Oh, man. She survived the fall.

She gonna be in a body cast for six months.

Uh, I'm hopin' this little basket'll make her feel better.

Well, let me get this straight.

She's in traction

and her jaws wired shut.

I don't think taffee's gonna make her feel better.

Yeah, you're right.

I better give her these jaw breakers.

- Smart move. - Hm-mm.

Shawn, I'm so sorry

about what I did to Erica earlier.

Ah, that's okay, grandma.

I know you were just lookin' out for me.

I sure was. And I wanna thank you boys for turning me on

to that internet. Oh, it is so much fun.

Don't have to give your real name or nothing.

I've been surfing the net myself.

Last night I went into the get-busy-get-sweaty room.

Made a fantasy come true for a lucky cyber girl.

We created a wild scene of a..

...of a shepherd and-and a naive village girl.

And a wobbly stool?

- Mrs. Monique? - Freaky Friday?

[screaming]

[instrumental music]

- Eww! - Eww!

[jazz music]

[cheering]

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say, Cheese.