Original subtitles

Push! Yes! There you go!

Okay, give me one more good push!

You can do it, Holly!

Tell her she can do it, Ted.

Okay, Ted says you can do it, Holly! Yes.

I usually give it a kick.

-Oh, really? -Yeah.

Right there.

I mean, I could do it for you, if you'd like.

No, I've been doing all my own kicking since third grade, so...

What, so just one kick and then apparently magic?

Mm-hmm.

Josh.

This has been the best year of my life.

I never thought I'd meet someone I connect with on so many levels.

You make me feel like I have a champion and a confidant.

I can tell you anything without judgment, and you always have my back.

I love you. So here's to us.

I feel the same way.

What?

"I feel the same way"?

Yeah. Yeah. Can we clink now?

It's our one-year anniversary.

I guess I was expecting something a little more special.

Sorry to interrupt. Would you like to see the dessert tray?

Sure, why not?

Happy anniversary.

No, it's mine.

So, what is the Sacred Heart Love Trail all about?

Well, six years ago, Joanna and I

took a look around and we were super bummed.

All these relationships falling apart.

Heartbreak out there on the planet.

So Marv and I created a way

for couples to disconnect from the world and reconnect with each other.

Before you head out, there's a couple of items that we've provided.

In your love bags.

The most important is a heart

carved out of sacred Chippewa stone with your name on it.

We ask that you give this to your partner every day

and think about what that really means...

-...to give your heart to someone. -I love them.

Feel free to explore, but don't wander too far from the trail.

There's no cell service here in the wild,

and we don't want anyone dying out there.

Right.

Seriously, some people died last time.

Most of all, remember to use this time

as a way to grow your love for each other.

And don't worry about the clouds.

Weatherman says it'll clear soon

and the rest of the week is nothing but sunshine.

-Mel! -Leave me alone!

All I said was we should bail on the hike.

I didn't mean us in general. I just meant the hike!

I mean, come on, we've been lost for hours,

our phones don't work, we're wet and miserable,

you're pissed off at me for some reason.

-"For some reason"? -Okay.

You lost my heart.

I gave you my heart and you lost it.

Mel, it was a rock.

It was a metaphor.

I imbued it with meaning when I gave it to you.

Are you sure I didn't give it back to you?

Check your backpack, 'cause I'm telling you, I di--

Then why do I have your heart?

All right, so what-- Do you want me to go look for it?

Okay, I'll do it. I will search this whole forest

for that one vaguely heart-shaped rock. Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Babe, it's a rock.

What is the point of doing this if you're not gonna put in any effort?

I don't know what the point of this is at all.

You don't wanna make our relationship better?

Our relationship is fine.

It's... fine.

Why does everything have to be perfect?

Why can't it just be enough?

Okay. Yeah. Keep pretending nothing's wrong, right?

'Cause it's easier that way.

This is exhausting.

Wait. What's that?

-Church bells? -You hear them too?

You sometimes hear church bells no one else does?

There must be a town across that bridge.

You see a bridge too?

Oh, we're still doing that?

That was weird.

It stopped raining.

"Schmigadoon"?

As long as they have a functioning toilet, I'm in.

And what's with all the fake plants?

Maybe they're conserving water?

Okay...

What is this?

And why is music coming from everywhere?

Welcome to our little town

Where friends are all you'll meet

And you will never see a frown

Hey, everyone.

Hey there, Pete.

We bet you're prob'ly Wonderin' what we call

The most beautiful, wonderful Magical place of all

What is happening?

It must be something they do for tourists. Like Colonial Williamsburg.

Schmigadoon

Where the sun shines bright From July to June

And the air's as sweet as a macaroon

Schmigadoon

Okay, we did not buy tickets. I repeat, we're not ticket holders.

Stop it. Let them sing.

Schmigadoon

Where it's warm And safe as a new cocoon

And our hearts all glow Like a harvest moon

Schmigadoon

Schmigadoon

Where the men are men And the cows are cows

And the farmers smile As they push their plows

And the trees are tall And we call it Schmigadoon

Come on, it's charming.

Charming? It's Wicker Man.

Our schoolmarm is Emma Tate She helps our kids to punctuate

Still unmarried at 28

In Schmigadoon

Farmer McDonough craved a son But he had daughters, every one

Touch 'em and you'll answer to my gun

In Schmigadoon

-Ow! -Sorry, Pete!

Larry Bean puts out our fires

Helen Pritt conducts the choirs

Doc is here to cure what ails

And I am here in case he fails

He is here in case he fails

Is Pete okay?

Henry Brown brings our ice

Madam Vina gives advice

In that shack is Buford Riggs

I do unspeakable things to pigs

He does unspeakable things to pigs

It's the mayor!

This is never gonna end.

It's the mayor.

As mayor of Schmigadoon

I feel that I must stress

Our motto is

"We always strive For peace and happiness"

Our motto is

"We always strive For peace and happiness"

But...

It's Mrs. Layton.

If Schmigadoon is to endure

It must be kept pristine and pure

This land on which our fathers trod

Must ever obey the laws of God

Everybody!

Schmigadoon!

Where the church bells ring Every day at noon

And the Wells Fargo wagon Brought my new harpoon

Schmigadoon

-Ow! -Sorry, Pete.

Where a man can dream Dreams so big and wide

And a gal can be there Right by his side

And there's hope for all Whether great or small

There's no folderol Bring your parasol

And we call it

Schmiga

Schmiga, Schmiga Schmiga, Schmiga

S-C-H-M-I-G-A-D-O-O-Ohhh!

Schmigadoon!

Yay! You guys did that!

-Can we please go now? -Already?

You know how much I hate musicals.

People don't just burst into song in real life.

You seem okay with magical hammers that come back when you call them.

That's totally different.

Thor is the god of thunder, and of course Mjollnir comes back when he calls.

-Howdy, folks. -Oh, no.

Please do not make me interact with the performers.

You know how much I hate the-- Hey! Mr. Mayor.

Welcome to Schmigadoon.

Mayor Aloysius Menlove at your service.

And this is my wife, Florence.

Here, have a button.

I'm running unopposed again.

But who doesn't love buttons?

-I'm Melissa. This is Josh. -Pleased to meet you.

You'll be staying at the Schmigadoon Inn, of course.

Oh, you'll love it. Aloysius and I stayed there on our honeymoon.

Although we didn't get much sleep that night

on account of all the roosters out back.

-I see. -Actually, we were just headed out, so--

You know, we've been sleeping on the ground for days,

so why would we pass up an actual bed?

That settles it then.

Carson. Run down to the inn

and tell Harvey we have two very special guests checking in.

Yes, sir, Mr. Mayor.

Well, what an unusual and exotic couple the two of you make.

No wedding rings, I see.

-Oh, no, we're not married. -Definitely not.

-Really? -What?

Anyhoo, I'm Mildred Layton,

and this is my husband, the Reverend Layton.

Shoulders back, Howard, like you have a purpose.

I hope you folks can stay till Sunday.

Would love to see you in the congregation, it'd be real special.

I can promise you we'll be long gone before then.

-So, where's this inn? -Right this way.

Hey. Be nice. They're trying.

And it's kind of modern.

I mean, you saw the ensemble.

It's color-blind casting.

Yeah, but I also get the feeling

the preacher's wife doesn't like our color-blind casting.

What do you say, little lady?

Want the thrill of a lifetime?

First ride's on me.

You just keep your distance, Danny Bailey.

This town would be a far more decent place without the likes of you.

Now, Mrs. Layton, you don't mean that.

Oh, yes, I do.

You're nothing but a scoundrel, a rapscallion,

and, pardon my Jewish, a no-goodnik.

Go ahead, the inn's right over there.

Don't waste any more of your time with this carnival trash.

Yeah, looks like the town bad boy has a thing for you.

-Guess I'm gonna have to kick his ass. -Oh, that I'd like to see.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

You must be the visitors everyone's talking about.

-Suppose you're looking for a room. -Two rooms.

They're not married, Harvey.

And I'm sure you're well aware of the town rules regarding such things.

Yes. Yes, of course, Mrs. Layton.

Two rooms.

Okay, I get it.

You're the preacher's wife, and we're living in sin.

It's like, "Oh, we're going to hell!"

Just the one room, please.

Sorry, sir. Town policy is town policy.

Okay, listen, Harvey the Innkeeper.

I'm tired and frankly not up for playing along

-with your little show-- -Josh, don't waste the energy.

It's one night. We'll take the two rooms.

Wonderful. That'll be a dollar.

Fine. Yeah.

Okay.

Here's a dollar for two rooms.

Thank you, kindly.

This is ridiculous.

Yeah, so to clarify, you're mad because two rooms only cost a dollar?

No, I'm just--

I'm not interested in pretending we're in the olden days right now.

Okay, I don't wanna tell you how to feel about this,

but can you feel different?

I just wanna get a freaking room with my girlfriend

where there's Wi-Fi and I can check the score of the Yankees game

and read my email.

Sorry, sir. Mail wagon won't be here until next week.

-I hate you. -Okay.

You guys really are so great.

Okay, granted, this place is a little insane.

Thank you. It is important to me that we can hate things together.

I know, sweetie. Me too.

Look, I'm sorry that I overreacted to all this.

I just wish all these people would die. Is that wrong?

All right.

Hey. You know what I wanna do?

I'm gonna take a long, hot shower, and then maybe go on the Tunnel of Love.

-Really? -I know, it's corny,

but what else is there to do, right?

It might be kind of romantic.

You got it. I'll pick you up at 7:00.

I'll be waiting.

And hey, you know, just 'cause we have two rooms

doesn't mean we gotta use two rooms.

-You know what I'm thinking? -Mm-hmm.

I hate this place.

-I'll see you at 7:00. -Can't wait.

Josh?

Josh.

Evening, miss.

Evening, mister.

I don't believe we were properly introduced.

The name's Danny.

-Danny Bailey. -Yes, the rapscallion.

I'm Melissa. Gimble.

It's beautiful here at night.

It's not alone.

Offer's still open.

First ride's on me. Second one too.

Oh, no, I'm just here to look around.

You're a funny kid.

Wow, look at all the blossoms.

Happens a lot this time of year.

Whenever the wind blows.

So. You have a feller?

Yes, I have a feller.

And he's okay with you walking on your own at night, talking with strange men?

Well-- He's...

What's the question again?

Wait a minute. What are you trying to do?

Are you trying to get me to fall for you?

What? No.

Then why do those crazy kind of thoughts keep running through my head?

-I don't really-- -Well, you can forget it.

Because no woman is gonna tie Danny Bailey down, no how.

Sure.

When a squirrel wants another squirrel He don't bother to get attached

I get a private show.

And a robin don't think About the future

When he's got an itch to be scratched

You're very good.

I'm like an animal in the wild

So here's a truth to which You must be reconciled

Need a better agent.

You can't tame me This buck was meant to be free

A cowgirl on the range in El Paso Smiled at me and got out her lasso

And that's when I put on the gas Oh, you can't tame me

You can't tame me I'm like the wind on the sea

A music teacher named Annabella

Tried her best to make me her fella

But I choose to live a cappella You can't tame me

It's true

But if anyone could

It'd be someone like you

I don't dance. I took like a year of tap--

Let's let our bodies do the talking.

Okay, well our mouths are technically part of our bodies, so...

And somehow I can see

Just exactly how it'd be

In a cozy little cottage With a white picket fence

And a tractor that always needs fixin'

And beamin' with pride Is the prettiest bride

This side of the Mason-Dixon

We'd have a kid Or two or three

Two girls for you And two boys for me

Shouldn't all the kids be for both of us?

And the two of us'd Share one heart

Till someday we'd die one day apart

But that'll never be.

'Cause you can't tame

Me

Great. Bravo.

That was a very handsome song.

What song?

The one you were just singing to me.

Singing?

Okay.

It's late. I'm tired.

It's getting weird.

So, thank you and good night.

Sorry about last night.

I seriously didn't mean to fall asleep.

But to make it up to you,

today we can do that Tunnel of Love ride as many times as you want.

Yeah, I'm good. I'm really hungry.

Can we order? Waitress!

Good morning. How we doing today?

Sleep well last night?

Yes, Betsy. Slept like a log.

Oh, my gosh, "like a log"?

That is hilarious, 'cause logs don't sleep.

You're so funny!

-I'm not that funny. -He's really not.

-Could we maybe order something? -Sure.

You are actually in luck, because today we have our world-famous corn puddin'.

Corn puddin'? What's that?

What?

Are you trying to tell me that you've never heard of corn puddin'?

She's never heard of corn puddin'!

Oh, no. It's a song. You just started another song.

Corn puddin' Corn puddin'

Corn puddin', corn puddin' Corn puddin', corn puddin'

Can we opt out of this?

My gal loves corn puddin'

She eats it constantly

Sometimes I get to wonderin'

Does she love it more than me?

Does she love it more than me?

My guy loves corn puddin'

I've got the recipe

So if he wants my puddin'

He'll have to marry me

Oh, he'll have to marry me

You put the corn in the puddin' And the puddin' in the bowl

You put the bowl in your belly 'Cause it's good for the soul

You put the corn in the puddin' And the puddin' in the bowl

You put the bowl in your belly 'Cause it's good for the soul

Who wants corn puddin'?

We want corn puddin'

Who wants corn puddin'?

We want corn puddin'

-What? -I think they want us to take a verse.

-I'm not singing, and you're not singing. -Come on, could be fun.

No. Do not.

Never had corn puddin'

Why?

And it may be a waste

But if you've got some extry

"Extry"?

I sure would like a taste

Oh, she sure would like a taste

Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn

Puddin'!

Yum!

Yum!

That was so weird.

It was like as soon as I started singing, I knew what to say.

That's fantastic. Can we please go now?

-What? Why? -Are you serious?

The entire town and you just spent the last five minutes

singing about corn pudding.

Did somebody say, "corn puddin'"?

That's it, we're leaving.

-Okay, well that one's on you. -Corn puddin', corn puddin'

I just feel bad, you know?

Everybody was so nice. We didn't even say goodbye.

And risk starting another song?

They'll be fine.

What?

Wait a minute.

What is going on?

-It's like we can't leave. -Well, of course we can leave.

Okay, this is freaky.

It's like it's magic or...

-It's not magic. -Then what is it?

I don't know. It's like a trick bridge or something.

A trick bridge? What would that even be?

It would be this, okay?

I'm gonna try something.

This cannot be happening.

What's going on, Josh? What is this?

Once ye have entered Schmigadoon

'Tis true ye won't be leaving soon

Within its borders ye are bound

Until at last true love ye've found

But till ye find it, ye must stay

Where life's a musical every day

Was that a leprechaun?

Yes.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

He said something. What did he say?

I don't know.

I was more focused on how he was shattering my whole construct

of what's real and not real in the world,

because he was a freaking leprechaun.

"Life's a musical every day."

This isn't some tourist attraction.

This is a musical.

We're in an actual musical.

Oh, please, God, no.

But he said we're only here till we've found true love, which--

I love you. Do you love me?

What? Yes, of course.

So let's try the bridge again, now that we know the rules.

Yes. Now we know.

I love you.

I love you too.

You hear that, Mr. Leprechaun?

We're in love.

Welcome to our little town

Where friends are all you'll meet

And you will never see a frown

-Hey, everyone. -Hey there, Pete.

We bet you're prob'ly Wonderin' what we call

The most beautiful, wonderful Magical place of all

Schmigadoon

Where the sun shines bright From July to June

And the air's as sweet as a macaroon

Schmigadoon

Schmigadoon

Where a man can dream Dreams so big and wide

And a gal can be there Right by his side

And there's hope for all Whether great or small

There's no folderol Bring your parasol

And we call it

Schmiga

Schmiga, Schmiga Schmiga, Schmiga

S-C-H-M-I-G-A-D-O-O-Ohhh!

Schmigadoon!