Original subtitles

Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film.

There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.

I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.

Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon farr...

- ...it's an extremely private matter. - I'd like to know the details.

His mother was human. His father was Vulcan. They couldn't conceive.

Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad...

...with a copy of Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears?

How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same?

No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose."

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Hi. Can you help me?

I was writing an e-mail and the A key got stuck.

Now it's just going, "Aaaah."

- What'd you spill on it? - Nothing.

Diet Coke.

And yogurt.

And a little nail polish.

I'll take a look at it.

Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news...

...Fishman, Chen, Chaudury and McNair aren't fielding a team...

...in the Physics Bowl this year.

- You're kidding. Why not? - They formed a barbershop quartet...

...and got a gig playing Knott's Berry Farm.

Wow. So in your world, you're like the cool guys.

Recognize.

This is our year. With those guys out...

...the entire Physics Bowl will kneel before Zod.

- Zod? - Kryptonian villain. Long story.

Good story.

- Count me out. - What? Why?

You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition?

Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary?

Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle?

Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?

Come on, you need a four-person team. We're four people.

By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a huppah...

...and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.

Tickets to that, please.

Sheldon, what? Do I need to quote Spock's dying words to you?

No, don't.

"The needs of the many..."

"Outweigh the needs of the few..."

"Or the one."

Damn it, I'll do it.

Okay, first order of Physics Bowl business.

We need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions?

How about the Perpetual Motion Squad?

It's beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies.

- The ladies? - Perpetual Motion Squad...

...we can go all night.

- I like it. - I don't.

Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures...

...thus intimidating one's opponent.

We could be the Bengal Tigers.

Poor choice. Gram for gram...

...no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.

Maybe so, but you can't incinerate a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.

Let's put it to a vote.

- All those in favor... - Point of order.

I move that any vote on team names be unanimous.

No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with a Bengal tiger...

...when common sense dictates it should be an army ant.

Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?

- I will yield. - After we go through the exercise...

...of an annoying series of votes, which the gentleman will lose...

...does he intend to quit if he does not get his way?

- He does. - We are the Army Ants. All those in favor?

Good afternoon and welcome to today's Physics Bowl practice round.

I'm Penny, and I'll be your host because...

...I didn't have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon...

...and isn't that just a little sad?

- Gentlemen, are you ready? LEONARD: Yes.

HOWARD: Fire away. - It's none of my business...

...but is a guy who can't speak in front of women gonna hold you back?

Oh, he'll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd.

He only has a problem when they're one-on-one and smell nice.

Oh, thanks, Raj. It's vanilla oil.

I was actually the one who noticed. Okay, let's just start.

Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics.

"What is the shortest light pulse ever produced?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- Dr. Cooper. - Of course, the answer is 130 attoseconds.

- That is correct. - I knew that too.

Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question.

"What is the quantum-mechanical effect used to encode data on hard-disk drives?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- Howard? - The answer is giant magnetoresistance.

- Right. - Hey, I buzzed in.

And I answered. It's called teamwork.

Don't you think I should answer engineering questions? I am an engineer.

By that logic, I should answer anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.

Just ask another one.

Okay.

"What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einstein's predicted 'frame dragging'?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

And, of course, it's Gravity Probe B.

Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.

- Why? - Because it's polite.

What do manners have to do with it? This is war.

Were the Romans polite when they salted Carthage...

...to make sure nothing would ever grow again?

Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.

The objective is to give correct answers.

If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?

Some of us might have the correct answers too.

- Please. You don't even have a Ph.D. - All right, that's it.

- Howard, sit down. - Okay.

- We should take a little break. - Good idea. I need my wrist brace.

All this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

I agree.

What did he say?

He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product...

...one might use on a summer's eve.

Yeah, and the bag it came in.

Leonard, excellent. I wanna show you something.

Can it wait? I need to talk to you.

Just look. I've designed the perfect uniforms for our team.

The colors are based on Star Trek: The Original Series.

The three of you will wear support red and I will wear command gold.

Why do they say "AA"?

Army Ants.

Isn't that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people.

Why would a Physics Bowl team be called Anodized Aluminum?

No, I meant...

Never mind.

Hey, check it out.

I got you a Batman cookie jar.

Oh, neat. What's the occasion?

Well, you're a friend and you like Batman and cookies...

...and you're off the team.

SHELDON: What?

Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting.

- You didn't. - We did. I just came from there.

I don't know where you just came from. It couldn't have been a team meeting.

I'm on the team and I wasn't there. Ergo, the team did not meet.

Okay, let me try it this way.

I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends...

...and one thing led to another and, it turns out, you're off the team.

- Why? - Because you're taking all the fun out of it.

I'm sorry, is the winner of the Physics Bowl the team that has the most fun?

Okay. Let me try it this way.

You're annoying and no one wants to play with you anymore.

I see.

Well, at this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team...

...and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together...

...and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.

Thanks for the heads up.

You're welcome.

- One more thing. - Yes?

It's on, bitch.

- So who did he get to be on his team? - He won't say.

He just smiles and eats macaroons out of his Bat-Jar.

He's using psychological warfare. We must reply in kind.

I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like:

"Yes, you are a smart and strong competitor.

But we are also smart and strong...

...and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you."

How exactly would that laugh go?

Hee-hee-hee!

That sounds more like:

"We are a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your dalmatians."

Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my roommate.

So?

So nothing. Let's destroy him.

SHELDON: Gentlemen.

RAJESH: Hee-hee-hee!

Okay, we're gonna need a strong fourth for our team.

You know who is apparently very smart is the girl who played TV's Blossom.

She got a Ph.D. in neuroscience or something.

Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom to join our Physics Bowl team.

How about the girl from The Wonder Years?

Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems.

We can't ask Leslie Winkle.

Why? Because you slept together...

...and when she was done with you, she discarded you like last night's chutney?

Yes.

- You gotta take one for the team. - Yeah. Sack up, dude.

Fine.

Here I go, taking one for the team...

...in the sack.

- Hey, Leslie. - Hi, guys.

Ahem. So, Leslie, I have a question for you...

...and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I...

Hit that thing.

There's no reason to feel uncomfortable because we've seen each other's faces...

...and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus.

There's not? Gee, because it sure sounds like there should be.

Any aspects of our sexual relationship, regarding your preferences...

...your idiosyncrasies, your performance, are protected by the inherent...

- ...confidentiality of the bedroom. - That's all very comforting...

...but I'd like to get on my question now.

- Proceed. - We are entering the Physics Bowl...

- ...and we need a fourth. - No, thanks.

I'm really busy with my like-sign dilepton supersymmetry search.

Dilepton shmylepton, we need you.

Sorry.

Well, we tried.

We'll just have to face Sheldon mano y mano y mano a mano.

Wait, you're going up against Sheldon Cooper?

- Yes. - That arrogant, misogynistic...

...doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high-energy particles...

...for laundry and childbearing?

She's in.

PENNY: So how do you feel?

Nice and loose? Come to play? Got your game face on?

- Are you ready? ALL: Oh.

Yeah. You don't have to stay for the whole thing.

Oh, no, no, I want to. Sounds really interesting.

Okay.

- Gentlemen. - Sheldon.

- Sheldon. - Hee-hee-hee.

Sheldon.

I'm just gonna sit down.

So is that your team?

Actually, I don't need a team.

I could easily defeat you single-handedly, but the rules require four.

So may I introduce the third-floor janitor, the lady from the lunch room and...

My Spanish is not good. ...either her son or her butcher.

And what about your team?

What rat have you recruited to the S.S. Sinking Ship?

LESLIE: Hello, Sheldon.

Leslie Winkle.

Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question:

"Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?"

Yes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap, and you're an inorganic adhesive.

So whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me...

...returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you.

Oh, ouch.

Okay, if everyone could please take your seats?

Here's your T-shirt.

PMS?

It's a couple days early.

No.

It stands for Perpetual Motion Squad.

Oh, right, of course. What was I thinking?

Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to this year's Physics Bowl.

Today's preliminary match features two great teams:

AA versus PMS.

All night long, y'all.

Okay, well, let's jump right in. First question.

For 10 points. "What is the isospin singlet partner of the pi-zero meson?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- PMS? - The eta meson.

Correct.

- Formal protest. - On what grounds?

The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.

Denied. All right, for 10 points.

"What is the lightest element on Earth with no stable isotope?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- AA? - And, of course, the answer is technetium.

Terrific.

Next question. "What is the force between two uncharged plates...

...due to quantum vacuum fluctuation?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- PMS? - And Sheldon can suck on...

- ...the Casimir effect. GABLEHAUSER: Correct.

"How does a quantum computer factor large numbers?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- PMS? - Shor's algorithm.

GABLEHAUSER: Correct.

Four-point-one-eight-five-five times 10 to the seventh ergs per calorie.

Prévost's theory of exchanges.

Lambda equals one over pi-R-squared N.

Seven hundred and sixty degrees Celsius.

The approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.

Mr. Wolowitz, this is your second warning.

A sigma particle.

Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet has a mass greater than the Earth.

GABLEHAUSER: Correct.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand the final question.

The score now stands, AA, 1150, PMS, 1175.

So for 100 points and the match...

...please turn your attention to the formula on the screens.

Solve the equation.

Holy crap.

What the hell is that?

It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.

- Come on, think. Leslie? - It's not gonna work if you rush me.

- You have to let me get there. - You are never gonna let that go, are you?

Ten seconds.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

PMS?

Sorry, I panicked.

Then guess.

Um...

Eight.

Point four.

I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours.

He doesn't have it. He's got squat.

AA, I need your answer.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

The answer is minus eight pi alpha.

Hang on a second. That's not our answer.

- What are you doing? - Answering question.

Winning Physics Bowl.

How do you know anything about physics?

Here, I am janitor. In former Soviet Union, I am physicist.

Leningrad Politechnika.

Go, Polar Bears.

That's a delightful little story.

Our arrangement was you sit and not say anything.

- I answer the questions. - You didn't answer question.

Hey, look. Now, maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia...

...but on this Physics Bowl team, I rule with an iron fist.

Ow!

AA, I need your official answer.

- It's not what he said. - Then what is it?

- I want a different question. - You can't.

- Formal protest. - Denied.

Informal protest.

Denied.

- I need your official answer. - No, I decline to provide one.

That's too bad because the answer your teammate gave was correct.

That's your opinion.

- All right, the winner of the match is... - Hang on.

Sheldon, is proving you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important...

...that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team?

I didn't understand the question.

- Go ahead. - The winner is PMS.

Sorry, somebody's sitting there.

- Who? - My Physics Bowl trophy.

That trophy is meaningless. I forfeited, therefore you did not win.

- I know someone who would disagree. - Who?

My Physics Bowl trophy.

"Leonard is so smart.

- Sheldon who?" - All right, that is just very immature.

You're right. I'm sorry.

"I'm not!"

- Okay, new contest. LEONARD: What are you doing?

I am settling, once and for all, who is the smartest around here.

- Okay? Are you ready? - Absolutely.

- Bring it on. PENNY: Okay.

"Marsha, Jan and Cindy were the three daughters in what TV family?"

The Brady Bunch.

Okay.

"Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?"

The Brady Bunch?

Van Halen.

All right. "Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum."

Oh, my God. Sean Penn.

How do you know these things?

I go outside and I talk to people.

Okay, here. "What actor holds the record...

...for being named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive?"

- William Shatner. - Wait.

I don't think it's Shatner.

Then it's gotta be Patrick Stewart.

- No. - Formal protest.

All right. "Singer who sang 'Oops!... I Did It Again'?"

Okay.

"Tweety bird thought he saw a what?"

Romulan.

Yes. He thought he saw a Romulan.

[PENNY SIGHS]

[English - US - SDH]