Original subtitles

Listen, you know what? Sir, for the last time, I don't care what the computer says.

We did not take a bag of Meshugga Nuts from the minibar.

And we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little.

- Hey. - Oh.

- Joey, were you in our room last night? - No.

I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill.

- Hi, we're checking out of the bridal suite. - That's right, I'm no longer a bride.

I'll never be a bride again. Now I'm just someone's wife.

And I'm the happiest guy in the world.

Come on, honey. Don't be upset. We have so much to look forward to.

Yeah, right.

- The honeymoon. - That's not till Thursday.

- The wedding pictures. - Those won't be ready weeks.

- Not the disposable cameras from the tables. - That's true! I knew I married you for a reason!

I'll tell you what. I will go get them developed, and you can go home.

- What? What did you take a picture of? - Nothing. It was something.

Okay, Ross has the cameras. Is he checked out yet?

Are you joking? Checkout is not till noon.

- And he has a good 11 minutes left. - So?

So Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.

Yeah, one time when we were dating...

...we got a late checkout, he got so excited, it was the best sex we ever had.

Until he screamed out "Radisson" at the end.

Okay, I'm gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed.

Thirty-two, Joe. You're 32!

- Here's a copy of your bill. - Oh, thanks.

Champagne, strawberries...

Oh, my God! I can't believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night.

Yeah, that's sad.

Meshugga Nut?

- Hi. - Hi.

Soaps, shampoos. Are you really taking all this stuff?

- Why not? It's built into the price of the room. - Yeah, but you don't need...

- What is this? - Thread.

Score!

- Where are the disposable cameras? - What disposable cameras?

Last night I asked you to take them.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, before we cut the cake, I said...

Yeah, you came up to me and asked me for a favor.

And then my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check.

Then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?"

- Yeah, then you did that. - So you don't have the cameras?

- No, sorry. - So what? What?

- They're gone? Monica's gonna freak! - I'm sure they're here somewhere.

I'll help you look.

- Great. - In three minutes.

- Hey - Hey.

Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler?

No.

They're calling out to me.

This little guy even crawled up in my lap.

Come on, Chandler wouldn't mind if I opened just one present.

What do you think it is?

A mirror that when you look into it, you see yourself as an old woman.

A tiny salt shaker!

Oh, my God, for tiny salt!

Oh, wow! Okay, that was fun.

Oh, yeah.

I'm just gonna wait for Chandler to open up the rest of them.

- Okay. - Whoo!

Although, you know, this is part of a salt-and-pepper set.

So I guess it may just count as half a present. What do you think?

Well, I guess it's okay to open one more if it's part of a set. It's probably this one.

Or this one!

Hi.

- How you feeling? Got any morning sickness? - Shh! The guys don't know yet, do they?

No. Joey and Ross don't know anything, and Chandler thinks Phoebe's pregnant.

That's right. Chandler does still think I'm pregnant.

He hasn't asked me how I'm feeling, or offered to carry my bags.

I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.

After you, of course.

Don't worry. I promise that you will only have to be pregnant a few more hours.

I'm going to tell the father today.

Is it someone in this building? That tall guy from the first floor?

- Eww! No! - What? I think he's cute.

- Well, then you have his baby. - Believe me, I'm trying.

Wow. It's so weird. You're gonna tell this guy today...

...and he has no idea what's gonna happen.

Yeah. You're just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever.

You're like Ed McMahon, except without the big check.

Or the raw sexual magnetism.

- Yeah, I guess it is pretty big news. - Pretty big? It's huge!

God, this guy doesn't have a clue. He's walking around thinking:

"I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!"

Then, bam! He's a father, everything's different.

Well, it's only different if he wants it to be. I'm not gonna ask him for anything.

Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he's thinking:

"Do I want to be a dad?" Then, bam!

- What was that "bam"? - I don't know. He's hit by a bus.

- Hi. - Hey.

Joey, what would you do if someone you slept with told you she was pregnant?

Who called here?

Did she sound blond? Any accent? I gotta make a call.

Should have never walked into that Sunglass Hut!

Oh, Joey! Joey! It's not you! You didn't get anyone pregnant.

Why would you scare me like that? What the hell's going on?

Is somebody pregnant?

Oh, yeah! That's me.

Oh, my God, Pheebs! You're gonna have a baby?

Yes, I am.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna have a baby!

- Wait, who's the father? - You don't know him.

He wants nothing to do with me or the baby.

Who is this guy? Who is he? Because I'll track him down and kick his ass!

- David Linn. - David Linn!

David Linn! David Linn!

- Who's David Linn? - Some guy from my gym. A little annoying.

- Chandler? - Hey. Did you find the cameras?

No. Did you?

Yes, that's why I'm under the table. Celebrating.

I checked in the lost and found.

I talked to the manager. No one's turned them in.

Great. Those cameras were the only thing that will cheer Monica up. She's depressed.

You guys just got married. Why is she so depressed?

All my energy is going into not asking that question.

- I can't believe I screwed this up! - I'm sorry, man.

Here's a thought. This is the same ballroom.

There's a band. There's gonna be plenty of dressed up people.

Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?

No, we buy more of these at the gift shop, throw our tuxes on and take a few pictures.

All have to do is make sure not to get people's faces.

Are you serious?

I'm just thinking about your new bride.

Okay? Do you really want to start your life together by letting her down?

Marriage advice? Really?

I'm telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding.

- Aren't these the same flowers? - I don't know. Monica picked them.

- The chairs? - Those too.

- The place settings? - Her.

- What did you do? - I was in charge of the cameras.

- Gift shop? - Mm.

Hey.

- Did you do it yet? - Not yet.

Then what are you doing here? Are you about to do it?

- Is it Gunther? - No...

- It's not Gunther! - Thank God. That hair on a baby?

The father is not here. I haven't told him, and I don't think I can now.

- Why not? - Now let me think.

I was walking down the street, thinking, "I'm gonna tell the father today." And then, bam!

Bus?

No, you! You freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is.

- But it is huge. - I know.

But I was just thinking about how huge it was for me.

I didn't go to how huge this is gonna be for the father.

You're thinking about this way too much.

Just tell him and get it over with.

It's like ripping off this Band-Aid, quick and painless. Watch.

Oh, mother of...!

See?

- Ooh. Are we opening presents? - No. I shouldn't have even opened these.

Joey, I am out of control!

You have to do me a favor.

No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present.

- Okay? - Okay.

- Give me one more. - Okay.

- Hey. - Oh, good. You're here. Pheebs? Listen...

- Sit down, I got something I want to say. - All right.

Um...

It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom.

Now, I always felt that you and I have a special bond.

So, Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?

Oh, my God!

- Joey! - Oh, yeah, I'll marry you.

- You can't marry him! - Hey, lady, your day's over, it's my turn.

- Phoebe! - What? Why can't she marry me?

I can and I will.

She's not pregnant. It's Rachel. Rachel's the one who's pregnant, okay.

- Oh, my God! - Hey.

He'd notice when you didn't have a baby in nine months!

It's Joey!

I love you.

I can't believe it! Rachel's pregnant?

- Yeah. - Who's the father?

We don't know.

- I wonder if it's that dude. - There's a dude?

- Yeah. - Who is it?

A month ago this guy spent the night. I didn't see who it was, but...

Was that story over?

The guy left this.

Oh, my God! I know who the father is.

People have got to finish their stories.

- Excuse me. Could you take a picture of us? - Oh. Of course.

- Would you take one of us? - Uh. Yeah, sure.

Click.

- It didn't click. - I heard it.

- But there was no flash. - Why won't you take our picture?

Yeah, I'll take your picture.

- Your finger was covering the lens. - Who are you, Ansel Adams? Get out of here!

Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before...

...so I called the father and asked him to meet you here. Go!

What? Wait a minute. How do you even know who the father is?

I may play the fool at times...

...but I'm more than a pretty blond with an ass that won't quit.

I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.

Oh, God.

- Oh. He's in there right now? - Uh-huh.

You can turn around, or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off.

What do you wanna do?

- Let's rip. - Really? Are you sure?

- Phoebe! - Okay. Sorry. Yeah.

Hey, Rach.

Go on-stage. I'll get a picture of you doing the speech.

Okay. Okay.

Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk?

Your car is about to be towed.

That's my car!

- A '95 LeSabre? - Yes.

- A green LeSabre? - Yes!

- I'm sorry, I meant blue. - Yes, green-blue.

Well, go. Go move it!

- Okay. Ready for the last picture? - Yeah.

Get ready to run.

Congratulations on your wedding.

So, what's this about?

Rachel has something that she wants to tell you.

And I believe that this is your red sweater.

No, this is my red sweater.

Oh, no.

Could I get anyone a coffee?

Or poison? No? Just for me? Okay.

What's going on?

Nothing. Phoebe kind of made a mistake.

But you do wear that sweater a lot. Are you involved in some kind of dare?

I'm actually glad Phoebe called.

I know we broke up because you thought I wasn't mature enough...

...but I've really grown up. And I think we should get back together.

It's just not the right time.

- It is the right time. - Okay.

- I'm ready for more. - Tag.

Come on, Rach. Let's give it another try.

- I'm having a baby. - Oh.

- You can go. - Thank you.

I don't know how any of these got opened!

- You opened them all? - I know, I am a terrible person.

Chandler's never gonna trust me with anything ever again.

- Hey! You got my parents' gift. - Yeah. What is that?

I don't know. I think it does something to salami.

- Hey. How'd it go? - Yeah. What did Tag say?

Tag is not the father. And Joey knows now?

I do, Rach. I do. And I'm so happy for you.

Oh. Wow, you didn't even try to unhook my bra.

So are you ever gonna tell whoever it is?

I will, I'm just not up for it tonight.

Hey, Rach, listen. No matter what he says, you're not gonna be alone.

- I'm not? - No.

Listen, I, uh...

It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom.

Aww.

I've always felt like you and I have this special bond.

- Rachel Green, will you marry me? - What?

- What? - What?!

- Pheebs, give me the ring back. - No!

Joey, you're so sweet. You are so, so sweet, honey.

But I'm not looking for a husband.

I understand.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and lie down.

I can't say that didn't hurt.

- But I'll take you back, Joey. - About that, I...

- Ohh, a Salami Buddy! - There you go!

- We're back! - Great.

We're hanging in the kitchen. Let's stay in the kitchen.

- It's picture time. - You're gonna love these.

Here's a picture of Ross.

And that's me.

And that's me and Ross.

Aww. And here's our first kiss as a married couple.

Wow. That is a great picture.

Yeah. And interesting, because I found the cameras in one of our bags.

Huh. Didn't see that coming.

Okay, so this isn't the picture of our first kiss...

...but it is a picture of my first kiss with this lady.

Which, by the look on your face, I'm sure you'll remember, so there's no need...

I'll take the real pictures to them developed.

- That'd be a good idea. - Okay.

You opened all the presents without me? We were gonna do that together.

You kissed another woman?

- Call it even? - Okay.

- Well, I'm gonna go get these in some water. - You stole those from that wedding?

No, the hotel lobby. They think they can charge me for some dirty movie...

...and a bag of Meshugga Nuts they got another thing coming!

Hey, my sweater!

I've been looking for this for like a month.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- Hey, how you doing? - Good. Long time no see.

- Like your sweater. - Oh. Hey. Right back at you.

- It's crazy about Rachel. - Yeah. Well, she's one crazy lady.

- So whose is it? - Um, I don't know, some Italian guy.

Come on, read your own label. See you later.

- Okay. - He is so weird.