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1
00:00:03,603 --> 00:00:04,837
(screeches)
2
00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:10,441
D'oh!
3
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:12,177
(grunts)
4
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,849
(gasps) Where's your helmet?
5
00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:19,785
D'oh!
6
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,260
¶ ¶
7
00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:42,006
¶ This woman's gonna getwhat she wants today ¶
8
00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:46,245
¶ Barney's gonna buya new sconce today ¶
9
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:50,748
¶ Gonna buy a broomto play quidditch today ¶
10
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:55,254
¶ Waylon's gonna getsome kitsch today ¶
11
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,456
¶ ¶
12
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:06,264
¶ I'm gonna buysome figurines today ¶
13
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,601
¶ Some lovelypastoral scenes today ¶
14
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:12,604
¶ I've finally foundthe rare girl with goat ¶
15
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:15,507
¶ I'll stash them allin my NPR tote ¶
16
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,009
¶ Today ¶
17
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:21,446
¶ The shoppers always haggle,low price ¶
18
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:25,317
¶ And Flanders always gives in,too nice ¶
19
00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:28,953
¶ Too nice, too nice ¶
20
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,890
¶ I'll sell these fuzzy dice ¶
21
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:37,295
¶ Maude bought themas a joke I did not get ¶
22
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:40,465
¶ Today, today ¶
23
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,935
¶ We'll sell our toys,we pray ¶
24
00:01:44,070 --> 00:01:49,240
¶ 'Cause playing is a sinthat we regret ¶
25
00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:50,375
BOTH:
Yay!
26
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,211
(cartoon scrambling
sound effect)
27
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,379
¶ ¶
28
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,184
(trumpets)
29
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:04,889
¶ Criterion Collection: Meryl Streep ¶
30
00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:07,759
¶ A box of Easter candy,all Peeps ¶
31
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,295
¶ Today, today ¶
32
00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:13,898
¶ I'll undersell eBay ¶
33
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:19,204
¶ We'll get some useless craptoday! ¶
34
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,507
See, Marge?
We skip one rehearsal,
35
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,009
and we're totally lost.
36
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,378
¶ Today! ¶
37
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,647
Wow, Mr. Flanders.
38
00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,950
You're selling
your used birthday candles?
39
00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:33,818
Hmm, they relight themselves.
40
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,187
I won't have voodoo
in the house.
41
00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:38,190
I'm one. I'm two.
42
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:41,125
I'm three. I'm dizzy.
43
00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:42,927
(groans, thud)
44
00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:44,863
Oh.
45
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,533
Do you really want to sell
these precious memories?
46
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,268
(chuckles)
47
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,203
They're just
earthly possessions, Marge.
48
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:54,939
All I need is God in my heart,
the good book in my hand, and...
49
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,708
(gasps)
What are you heathens doing
50
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,710
to my Norman Rockwell
commemorative plates?!
51
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,712
(grunting)
52
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,881
We bought 'em, we smash 'em.
53
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,682
Take that, Freedom from Want.
54
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:06,217
(grunts)
55
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,652
- (boys laugh)
- (Flanders groans)
56
00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:09,488
Look at me! I'm Mr. Rogers.
57
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:12,557
Yeah. And I'm Meg Ryan
in When Harry Met Sally.
58
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,225
I'll have what he's having.
59
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,861
- We're having a ball!
- Of yarn.
60
00:03:16,996 --> 00:03:18,362
(both laughing)
61
00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:19,998
(groans)
62
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,869
Oh, all this humiliation for...
63
00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,838
(scoffs) $21?
64
00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,942
Get out
before I turn on the hose!
65
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:33,010
Thank you.
66
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,880
Okay, fine. I'm not selling
one more precious tchotchke
67
00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:39,051
unless it's going
to a decent, respectful home.
68
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:42,955
(inhales)
69
00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:46,758
(sighs) Damaged corner.
70
00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:48,927
Excuse me, sir?
I understand how you feel.
71
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,596
Bart Simpson. Longtime neighbor,
first time reader.
72
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,531
May I buy these books?
73
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,434
There's no bad words in these
74
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,901
if that's what
you're looking for.
75
00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:58,537
I cut 'em all out.
76
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:00,705
Mm.
77
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,507
Thank you...
78
00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,275
Adultery Ass.
79
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,945
This is why
I always carry a fan.
80
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,346
Don't worry, sir.
81
00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:10,515
We're boys who have
made our share of mistakes,
82
00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:13,518
but these books will fire up
our imaginations.
83
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,392
¶ ¶
84
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,863
My greatest moment!
85
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,568
Oh, Bart.
86
00:04:30,703 --> 00:04:32,303
I was filming the wrong way.
87
00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:34,071
It's all me!
88
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:36,641
This angle makes
my nose look big.
89
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,710
Oh!
90
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,312
(groans)
91
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,547
Hmm.
92
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,651
Bart, that's clearly personal.
93
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,153
You have to give it back
to Mr. Flanders.
94
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:53,491
You don't have a single little
boy bone in your body, do you?
95
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,994
Hey! I did take karate.
96
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:59,398
Till I had an allergic reaction
to my gi.
97
00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:03,001
- (bee buzzing)
- There's a bee in here!
98
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,203
(grunting)
99
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,439
(groans)
100
00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:09,908
"My Journal."
101
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,344
Wait a minute.
102
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:16,347
I've seen that red ink before,
especially the D's and F's.
103
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:19,384
- (thunder crashing)
- ¶ ¶
104
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,756
It's Mrs. Krabappel's diary!
105
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,859
(sniffs) Parliament Lights 100.
106
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,927
That was her brand.
107
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:33,131
EDNA:Remember: if you canteach one kid one thing,
108
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,267
then today will be a success...
109
00:05:35,402 --> 00:05:38,202
Oh. I forgot
Flanders married Krabappel.
110
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,740
I do not need to see the
dark side of another marriage.
111
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,143
Let the oceans have it, Bart.
112
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:47,712
They're big enough
to hide any sin.
113
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:50,015
You would think so, but no.
114
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,650
Why are corpses so buoyant?
115
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,619
'Cause I ain't dead yet!
116
00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:58,222
The boss ain't gonna like this.
117
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,357
I'm the boss!
118
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,392
- Do you like it?
- No!
119
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,861
LOUIE:
Shouldn't we stop those kids?
120
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,562
FAT TONY:
We don't kill children.
121
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:06,598
We'll wait till they're 18.
122
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,367
This is your fault, Krabappel.
123
00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:11,069
You taught me to read.
124
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:13,571
If you read this diary,
you'll regret it.
125
00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:15,207
Maybe not today...
126
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:17,542
- Okay, good enough.
- (groans)
127
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,181
What's it say?! What's it say?!
128
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,917
Does she write about how well
I cleaned the gerbil cage?!
129
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,252
If not, it might be a fake.
130
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,855
It's in there. And a lot more.
131
00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:32,757
She says
Chalmers hides his car keys
132
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,827
on the top of his sun visor.
133
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,463
¶ ¶
134
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,366
(tires squealing)
135
00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:44,503
I just became
the most powerful kid in school.
136
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,440
Slimmer!
137
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,610
- (tires squealing)
- Uh... What the...?
138
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,211
¶ ¶
139
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:57,548
He's got a free yogurt
at the car wash.
140
00:06:57,684 --> 00:06:59,617
Let's drop the car off
at the car wash,
141
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,519
get the yogurt,
and never come back.
142
00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:03,922
The perfect crime!
143
00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:09,461
There they are! Go get 'em!
144
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,730
Yeah, don't worry.
We'll get your car, but, uh,
145
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:14,966
all I can think of now is
we should do that, Lou.
146
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,969
Go for a drive just because.
147
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,805
- (grunting happily)
- ¶ ¶
148
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,107
Ugh!
149
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,948
Finally, thanks to Mrs. K,
150
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:33,452
I'll know what goes on
in the teachers' lounge.
151
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,154
No, this is not a sales call.
152
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:39,657
It's an opportunity to improve
your life with gutter guards.
153
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,327
Ma'am, are you sure your family
will be taken care of
154
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,895
in case of a sinkhole?
155
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:47,264
And with this cruise package,
you're guaranteed a deck chair
156
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,999
for one full hour a day.
157
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,736
So can I...? Hello? Hello?
158
00:07:51,871 --> 00:07:53,338
BART:So, workingyour night school jobs
159
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,972
during school hours, eh?
160
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,508
(laughs)
161
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,609
Oh, you are still there.
You're just very quiet.
162
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,244
I'll wait as long as it takes.
163
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:02,581
(bell tolling)
164
00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:06,250
Reading someone else's diary
in a church?
165
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,187
That's the worst thing
you can do in a church!
166
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,056
(Irish accent):
No, not really.
167
00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:15,193
Oh, my God. I'm in this.
168
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,794
What did she say?
169
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,964
(angelic choir singing)
170
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:22,800
"I had a wonderful time
171
00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:25,469
"with my spikey-haired
after-school buddy.
172
00:08:25,605 --> 00:08:29,373
"Sometimes I have to be tough on
him so his behavior gets better,
173
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,342
"but he's smart as a whip.
174
00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:33,044
"When he grows up,
175
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:36,113
I bet there's no door
he won't be able to open."
176
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,549
What does that mean?
177
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,817
She's saying you have potential.
178
00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:41,286
Oh, my God.
179
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:43,454
I thought she hated me
after I glued her to her chair.
180
00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:45,523
And yet she says
I have potential.
181
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:48,626
I have a future.
The sky's the limit!
182
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:51,096
("Battle Hymn of the Republic"
playing)
183
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:56,034
("Hail to the Chief" playing)
184
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,404
I got rid of the squeak
in your chair, sir.
185
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,406
Good man.
186
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,309
When do I get paid?
It's been three weeks.
187
00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:08,079
BART:
Wow. Presidential chair tester.
188
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,847
Can't do better than that.
189
00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:11,583
(sighs) This changes everything.
190
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,251
All this time
I was showing my butt,
191
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,685
I was actually showing promise.
192
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,755
I'm gonna live up
to that potential.
193
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:20,091
¶ I used to march downthe windy, windy sidewalks ¶
194
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,026
¶ Slapping my legwith a riding crop ¶
195
00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:24,095
¶ Thinking it made mecome off so tough ¶
196
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:27,598
¶ I didn't smile because a smilealways seemed rehearsed ¶
197
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,600
¶ I wasn't afraidof the bullies ¶
198
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,404
¶ And that just madethe bullies worse. ¶
199
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,207
Pop art quiz!
200
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:40,278
Is that a "pop" art quiz,
or a "pop art" quiz?
201
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,013
It's a "shut up
and fill in the bubbles" quiz.
202
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:45,116
Okay, how am I gonna
blow this off?
203
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:48,053
Maybe fill in all the bubbles
to make a skull.
204
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:50,855
Now, hold on, Bart.
You have potential.
205
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,291
Why not really try and do it?
206
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,094
- You think?
- (chuckles) Yes.
207
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:57,962
(gasps)
208
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,430
I know this one. It's "B."
209
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,966
And after "B,"
the next answer's usually "C."
210
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:04,369
And the next one
I can get from Martin.
211
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:09,307
¶ ¶
212
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,408
This cake is for Bart.
213
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,477
He got an "A" on his test.
214
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:14,612
Mm-hmm.
215
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,981
What's a matter?
Wondering how I cheated?
216
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:20,217
You know, all my thoughts
aren't about you.
217
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,820
LISA:How did he do it?I must find out.
218
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:27,291
(gasps) Oh, God.All my thoughts are about him.
219
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,893
Think pony. Think pony.
220
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,061
- (pony brays)
- (yells)
221
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,397
How'd you do it, Bart?
How'd you do it?
222
00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:35,833
We're just gonna be
very happy about this grade
223
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:38,236
and not ask questions.
224
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,338
How did he do it?
How did he do it?
225
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,740
Do I have
two high-achieving kids?
226
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,809
Oh, be realistic, Marge.
227
00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:47,078
He must be hiding something.
228
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,247
¶ ¶
229
00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:56,754
Ah, he's clean.
230
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,489
And so is his room.
231
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,691
I see you couldn't find out
how he did it.
232
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,861
No offense, Mom,
but mind if I take a whack?
233
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,430
Help yourself.
234
00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:08,667
How, Maggie? How?
235
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,869
Oh, the treehouse, right.
236
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,139
The answer's in the treehouse.
237
00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,211
Ay Krabappel!
238
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:22,713
This is a new low, even for you.
239
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:23,714
Thanks.
240
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,049
Okay, spill it.
241
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,718
What dirt did you find?
242
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:30,054
I'm only on page 35, but it's so
clear she thought I was great.
243
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,655
She really liked me.
244
00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:33,691
Even when I brought in
a dead bird from outside,
245
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,226
which I've actually forgotten.
246
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:36,560
What?
247
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,729
LISA:
Poor, deluded Bart.
248
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,132
She was writing that
about her cat.
249
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:43,567
She loved how much I love tuna.
250
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,204
I don't remember that either,
but it was meaningful to her.
251
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,572
Listen, Bart...
252
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,407
And she said I was
too adorable to be sterilized.
253
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,143
Oh, her words, not mine.
254
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:53,578
- Bart...
- She believed in me.
255
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,579
And now I believe in myself.
256
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,149
And I'll tell you something
crazy: I loved getting that "A."
257
00:11:58,284 --> 00:12:00,485
Which means, you know what?
Suddenly, I get you.
258
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,487
You don't suck.
259
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,889
You not only don't suck, you
believe in my potential, too.
260
00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:05,923
Don't you?
261
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,092
(groans)
262
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,860
We're just two smart kids.
263
00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:11,428
I... I... I...
264
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,930
(groans) Okay.
265
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,599
I believe in you, too.
266
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:18,269
And I have nothing more
to say except... (grunts)
267
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,237
Nothing but... (groans)
268
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,773
Which is worse,
to be cruel or to lie?
269
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,709
They're both great,
just like us.
270
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:26,377
Two smart kids.
271
00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:27,945
And you know
what I'm gonna do now?
272
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,848
I'm gonna change someone else's
life for the better.
273
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,216
(cash register dings)
274
00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:33,951
BART:
Willie?
275
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:35,386
I heard-- can't say where--
276
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,121
that you're
actually pretty lonely.
277
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,056
So I got you this little guy.
278
00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:40,958
A Scotsman lonely?
279
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:42,427
Bannocks to that!
280
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,462
But I will take
your wee coney...
281
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,599
for me evening stew!
282
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:52,803
Do you like your stew?
283
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:56,474
It's got lots of extra carrots
for a growing bunny.
284
00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:58,777
And when you grow fat enough,
285
00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:01,645
I'll stick you
in a bubbling pot of water...
286
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,115
for your Saturday bath.
287
00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:05,483
Oh, I love you.
288
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,820
(groans) This lie
has made Bart a new man.
289
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,555
And it's giving me
anxiety attacks.
290
00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:13,324
(hyperventilating)
291
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,325
Relax. Relax.
292
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,995
Ugh, so anxious. (screams)
293
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,665
- What's this?
- You've got bumpies!
294
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,468
Let me give you some lotion.
295
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:26,737
I'll be fine.
296
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:29,440
I just need a calming bath
and a good night's sleep.
297
00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:32,310
(gentle music playing)
298
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:39,517
(chanting):
Om... om...
299
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,518
Oh, my God!
300
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,322
I'm helping him live a lie
that may ruin him!
301
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:49,627
Hmm. Sometimes tension hives
are the result of inner stress.
302
00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:51,962
Is anything bothering you,
young lady?
303
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:54,031
Just the usual--
global disasters,
304
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,534
artificial intelligence
taking over,
305
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:59,203
the cold, dead eyes
of Mike Pence.
306
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,373
Hmm. Well, I could refer you
to psychological counseling,
307
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,175
but why fix what you can numb?
308
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:07,177
So I'm gonna prescribe
some Sleepy and Dopey's
309
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:09,213
children's chewable Xanax.
310
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,881
(laughs)
311
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,384
I don't want
my daughter on meds.
312
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,052
You seem upset, Marge.
313
00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:16,887
Talk to your doctor
about Troxodone.
314
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:18,389
You are my doctor.
315
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,691
Well, well, well. Fancy that.
316
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:21,859
(laughs)
317
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:23,227
This is gonna turn your life
318
00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:25,729
into an oasis
of peaceful zombitude.
319
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,699
Side effects may include
bleeding out your ears,
320
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,233
Portuguese insolence,
wandering eyebrow,
321
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,068
intense longing for death,
and seeing yourself
322
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,304
as others see you. (laughs)
323
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,341
When the last student
finishes using the lice comb,
324
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:38,977
please pass it back up.
325
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,581
Now our major award of the day.
326
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:45,984
For me?
327
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:49,987
But my shelves are
already groaning with kudos.
328
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,589
- Not for you.
- Aw.
329
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,491
For the only student
who's shown dramatic improvement
330
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,593
in the history
of this school: Bart Simpson!
331
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,728
- Let's hear it for him.
- (student coughs)
332
00:14:57,864 --> 00:15:00,497
I'll take names
if I don't hear cheers.
333
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:03,768
STUDENTS (chanting):
Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart!
334
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,938
I just want to say
thank you, Mrs. K.
335
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,240
You wrote the book on teaching.
336
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,576
And now, his sister,
Lisa Simpson,
337
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:15,780
will lead us in a round of
"For He's A Jolly Good Fellow."
338
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,415
What?
339
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,618
¶ For he's a jolly good fellow ¶
340
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:24,489
¶ For he's a jollygood fellow... ¶
341
00:15:25,524 --> 00:15:26,957
To the laser tag water park!
342
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,493
(students cheering)
343
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,432
Take the freeway! It's quicker!
344
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,770
¶ All of it's based on a lie ¶
345
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,771
¶ All of it's basedon a lie ¶
346
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:43,107
¶ For he's a jolly big phony ¶
347
00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:45,576
¶ And only I know why. ¶
348
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,112
(clears throat)
Assembly item number two:
349
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,648
- don't take drugs.
- I don't!
350
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,784
Our most successful
assembly ever.
351
00:15:56,188 --> 00:15:58,989
Thanks to Mrs. K, I fear
nothing. Not even long division.
352
00:15:59,125 --> 00:15:59,991
Hmm.
353
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,325
What if there's a remainder?
354
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,627
Still a little scary.
355
00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:06,063
You wanted to do well,
but you're not even studying.
356
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,132
You don't have to study
when you're on a roll.
357
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:09,833
You heard them cheering me.
358
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,169
STUDENTS (chanting):
Bart! Bart! Bart! Not Lisa!
359
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:14,138
I wish you hadn't
had them do that.
360
00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:15,673
You know what I'm gonna do now?
361
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,976
I'm gonna enter
the spelling bee.
362
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,679
Um, really? Just like that?
363
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,614
How about
a little reality check?
364
00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:25,516
Spell "pneumatic."
365
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:26,951
No problem.
366
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,020
You're gonna start it
with an "N," aren't you?
367
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,022
I'll know
when the spotlight hits me.
368
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:33,691
Two smart kids.
369
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:36,828
Bart, spelling bees
are very public.
370
00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:40,331
So if, by some fluke,
you don't do well,
371
00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:43,367
you'll be embarrassed
in front of the whole school.
372
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:47,337
Worse than the time you sat
on the peanut butter cup.
373
00:16:47,473 --> 00:16:48,873
People knew what it was.
374
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,675
No, they didn't.
375
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,979
LISA:Let him learn his lesson.Let him gain from it.
376
00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:56,713
It's not up to you to save him.
377
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,116
(gasps)
378
00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,351
The first contestant is
our most-improved student,
379
00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:03,721
Bart Simpson,
and the word is "interlude."
380
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,524
Um, can you use it
in a sentence?
381
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:08,626
I need an interlude
with my brother!
382
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:11,195
I have to explain something.
383
00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,063
Obsolescence-- O-B...
384
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:15,232
You don't have to explain.
It's totally understandable.
385
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:18,068
You're just jealous. I used
to be a mixed-up kid like you.
386
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,471
You're just not reading
the right diaries.
387
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:21,905
MILHOUSE:
Obsequious...
388
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,841
Bart, there's a page in
the diary you didn't read yet.
389
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,044
(inhales) I'm sorry.
390
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,412
I'm so sorry.
391
00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:30,348
I just don't want you hurt.
392
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,685
"My special little guy has
the fluffiest tail"?
393
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:37,020
Still think
she's talking about you?
394
00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:39,090
Could be. I played a reindeer
in the school play.
395
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:41,391
Which was weird, because
it wasn't a Christmas play.
396
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:42,492
Keep reading.
397
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,361
"Purring when I pet him"?
398
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:45,863
"Scratching at
the bell on his collar"?
399
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:48,599
"Always using his litter box
appropriately"?
400
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,068
Oh, it wasn't me
who had potential.
401
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,571
It's a frickin' cat!
402
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,742
(whimpering)
403
00:17:58,744 --> 00:17:59,777
(gasps)
404
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,412
(whimpering)
405
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,582
Oh. No bumps.
406
00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:07,852
- I brought you dinner.
- Don't want it.
407
00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:10,521
I'm just a loser kid,
and that's all I will ever be.
408
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,056
Oh, honey...
409
00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:13,524
Mom, I'm gonna go over the edge
410
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,393
if you try to make me
feel better right now.
411
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:17,261
Hmm...
412
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,300
So, I understand
413
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,903
you've been reading
Edna's diary.
414
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,638
Yeah, I'm sorry.
415
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,241
I sure hope there's something
in the Bible about forgiveness.
416
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:32,142
Son, I'm not here to judge you.
417
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,144
Curiosity is one of
the devil's sharpest tools.
418
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,447
That's why I don't even
look down in the shower.
419
00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:39,083
Eyes always up
into God's scalding water.
420
00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:40,751
(chuckles)
421
00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:42,820
Okay, I'll get to the point.
I'm here to tell you
422
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,655
something that might
make you feel better.
423
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,256
Did you know Edna and I once
424
00:18:46,392 --> 00:18:48,258
were thinking
of leaving Springfield?
425
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:49,960
Oh, I feel so much better.
426
00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:52,496
How does he do it? I don't know!
427
00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:54,331
But the fact is we didn't move.
428
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,800
We had a family meeting.
429
00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,635
It was Todd's turn at the gavel.
430
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,669
TODD:
Order! Order!
431
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:02,939
Now, we can't leave Springfield
unless it's unanimous. Todd?
432
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:04,842
TODD:
I vote "yes."
I can finally get away
433
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,811
from that ladybug
that scares me.
434
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:10,748
I'm tired of Mr. Simpson
peeing in our bird bath.
435
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:14,184
Well, that's one, two,
three, and...
436
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,019
I have to stay here
in Springfield,
437
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,088
because boys
like Bart Simpson need me.
438
00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:20,490
Sweet, misunderstood boys,
439
00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:23,260
who just need someone
to recognize the basic goodness
440
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:25,029
that's trapped inside them
441
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,865
and is desperately
trying to get out.
442
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,199
(sneezes)
443
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,202
She was allergic
to the cat, but, uh,
444
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:33,203
you were nothing
to sneeze at, son.
445
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:35,539
Well, did that help?
446
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:36,873
Yeah!
447
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,676
Now let us give thanks.
448
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,978
If only people stopped
when they made their point.
449
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:42,379
But thanks.
450
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,381
And this belongs to you.
451
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:45,849
You might want to read it.
452
00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,551
You come off pretty well.
453
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,187
No sirree, Bob. Those are
Edna's private thoughts,
454
00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:52,523
and they're gonna stay private.
455
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:54,858
Did you fix Bart?
456
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,026
Yep.
457
00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:57,394
What's in your hand?
458
00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,797
Uh, uh, nothing.
459
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:02,233
¶ ¶
460
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:04,301
"Now that I've been
with Ned a year,
461
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:06,403
he's made my life a living..."
462
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:09,373
I'll think of a penance.
463
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,743
"Dream come true."
464
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,479
Oh. (sniffles)
Now I got to clean my specs.
465
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,048
Thanks, Edna.
466
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:25,823
¶ I found her diaryunderneath a tree ¶
467
00:20:25,959 --> 00:20:30,361
¶ And started reading about me ¶
468
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:36,434
¶ The words she'd writtentook me by surprise ¶
469
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:40,504
¶ You'd never read themin her eyes ¶
470
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:46,510
¶ All the sweet thingsthey can find. ¶
471
00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:51,382
¶ ¶
472
00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:01,359
(singers vocalizing)
473
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:26,050
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
474
00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:28,051
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
475
00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:29,986
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
476
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,622
Shh!
477
00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:37,028
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
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