Original subtitles

Ray, where are you going?

Come back to bed.

Watch it, you miserable little...

Queenie!

'Morning, Walter!

Good girl. Their lawn needed fertilizing anyway.

Good morning, lieutenant. Mrs. rumsfield.

Hi, Ricky.

Oh, Mr. rumsfield, be careful, queenie...!

Goddam it...

Walter... Walter!

- Walter! - I love that dude.

- Walter! Walter! - Mark!

What are you doing up?

Walter's dog just took a dump on rumsfield's lawn again.

Good, honey.

- I know you're in there, old man! - Honey, honey, the neighbors.

Listen up, mister!

That piece of scum, barking rat of yours has just taken his last dump on my lawn!

I find one more... just one... I'm gonna catch him and staple his ass shut!

- I'm gonna do it right now. - No, no, no! Honey, don't.

Come on. Let's go home.

Hey, honey, I think we should move.

This neighborhood...

We got an arms dealer across the street and a crazy person down it.

All they ever do is fight. Is this sweet enough?

Now there's new next-door neighbors... What is their name again? The klopeks?

- Is that a slavic name? - I don't know.

They've been here a month. Think they're gonna do something about their yard?

Are you gonna eat any of this?

Oh, no. I got that thing with my stomach again.

I wonder what was going on over there last night.

- I knew this was gonna happen. - What?

- Nothing. - What, Carol? What did you know is going to happen?

It's started already. Look at you.

You're gonna sit around all week doing nothing...

Get bored out of your mind and go back to work in worse shape than you are now.

No, I'm not.

Please, let's pack up the car and go to the lake. Just get away and rest.

You should see yourself.

You were up at the crack of dawn watching a dog poop.

You call going up to the lake resting?

It is four hours of driving on the tollway in holiday traffic...

To sit in some dank, wet cabin and wait for that neighbor with the enormous head...

- To get drunk and fall down. - He's a hydrocephalic.

- I don't think that you should make fun... - Honey, that's not my idea of restful.

This is restful: Hanging around the house, just being lazy.

That's what I want to do. I just wanna... hang around.

Be lazy, listen to the ball game and drink a couple hundred beers...

Ahd maybe smoke an occasional cigar... Outside.

I'll fix the barbecue in the backyard. I'll do that.

This is what I need, Carol. I need... this.

You'll see, at the end of the week, I'll be a brand new human being.

It's your vacation.

Quiet!

Art's got a gun!

Art!

Hey, hi, ray. Hey, are you guys eatin' in there?

You know how suzette is about her bird feeder.

These crows start showing up out of nowhere.

She's all over my back to get rid of 'em.

"Oh, the crows are too big for the bird feeder," she says.

I don't remember seeing crows around here before.

Big bastards, too. That's why I got the gun. I'm gonna pop a few.

Hey, I'm eating here. Can you imagine me and the two of them alone for a week?

I'd rather chew broken glass.

Uh-uh, this is gonna be a big week for the bachelor kid.

Vince.

Vince.

How come you're not at work, ray?

- I took the week off. - A week off?

That's great. Are you guys going to the lake or something?

- No, the backyard. - Backyard?

I just want to hang around the house and relax.

Relax? Good luck with those maniacs you got living next door.

- Have you met the klopeks yet? - No.

No, I haven't. Nobody on the block has.

But I did talk to the real estate broad that sold them the place.

Apparently, their last house... It only burnt to the ground.

- Really? - Yep.

A hideous, raging inferno.

Neighbors from hell.

Maybe.

Whatever it is, I'm sure glad I'm not the one who lives right next door.

Come on, let's face it, these klopeks are strange.

I've been watching that house ever since they moved in.

No one goes in. No one comes out.

No visitors. No deliveries.

What do you think they're eatin' over there, ray?

Well, maybe these people just want to keep to themselves, art.

Remember when the knapps lived next door?

How many conversations did you have with the knapps? I had two.

- Oh, come on. - They didn't even say goodbye when they moved.

Oh, please. Don't even compare the two.

I mean, come on. At least, if they weren't conversational...

The knapps were semi-normal. They worked in their yard.

They mowed their lawn. They had a lawn to mow.

These klopeks... we don't even know how many of them there are.

There are three of them.

They only come out at night.

- Ricky Butler says they're nocturnal feeders. - Oh, Ricky Butler says.

Last week when I was up on the roof with my telescope...

I saw them in their backyard.

- What were they doing, honey? - Digging.

- Kind of like grave diggers? - Maybe.

All right, that's enough of this conversation.

I want you to stop spying on the klopeks with Ricky Butler.

And I'd like you to stop filling his head with such half-cocked theories.

- Where you goin'? - I'm gonna change into my vacation togs.

Are you done with your eggs?

Okay, honey, I'm gonna mix the zinnias in with the rest of the flowers.

- The man at the nursery said... - Boy, that really burns my ass.

- What? - That old fart.

He's got the best lawn on the block.

And you know why?

Because he trains his dog to crap in my yard.

Hey, Mrs. rumsfield.

No tan lines this morning.

Looks nice.

That kid next door is a meatball.

Peterson.

He came out in his robe last night when the foreigners were making all that racket.

He didn't do one thing.

So, what are you gonna do first?

I don't know.

- Hey, did I show you my new tools? - No.

These are great.

Carol's father gave them to me for Christmas.

Look.

- Oh, those are beauties. - Yeah.

- You gonna build something with those? - It think so.

Probably.

- Hey, what time does the ball game go on? - It think it's at about 1:00.

You want to go down to the deli and get one of those beef sandwiches?

No. I'm thinking of getting one of those electric garage door openers...

And installing it.

Ray. Ray!

Ray, come here!

What is it?

It's my neighbor.

Hey, one of the huns came out of the cave.

Why don't you go say hi?

- Well, yeah, I guess I could. - You know, this would be the perfect time...

Because if you go talk to him, we could see what he's like. Go.

You could go say hi to him too, you know?

- Yeah, but he's your neighbor. - Well, he's your neighbor as well.

But I'm over. You share a property line with him.

We're all on the same block, so you could go too.

We're all in the same town too, but you're right next to him.

If he was ever gonna borrow anything, he'd come over to your place.

- Well, he's busy now. - He's not busy.

Now look, he's goin' in. Go now because if...

He's going back in. If you were gonna say hi...

You should probably... There, he's going into the house.

You're gonna lose him because he's gonna go in...

- Well, now you've blown it, haven't you? - No, I didn't blow it.

- Chicken. Chicken. - He went into his house.

I'm not a chicken because he went into his house.

You know, you look like a chicken in front of your son and everything. Your son.

Come on, come on.

- If it's suddenly a big deal, let's just go say hello. - Hey, hey, it's a joke!

- Let's say hello. - Why so edgy?

- Come on, come on. - Try decaf.

They're daring each other to ring the doorbell.

We shouldn't stare like this.

If it's such a big deal, why don't we both go say hello, or are you chicken?

Go for it, Mr. Peterson! Yes!

Now everybody's watching us.

- Good going, man! - Yeah, okay, yeah.

Yeah, I'll go in with you. Sure. Right. No problem.

Let's go.

I don't know if you noticed, but there's bars on the basement windows.

- They got holes in their porch too. - That was a booby trap.

- You okay? "Booby trap"... - Yeah.

- I'm not gonna pay for that. - We shouldn't pay for that, we should sue them.

Well, um, let's... Let's say hello.

Hey...

Get the hose. Hang on, men!

Run to Mel! Run to water!

This way! Over here! Run to water!

Run to me! Come on!

Come on! Come on!

I think they're gone, Mark. I think they're gone!

- You men hit? - I cannot believe you did that.

- I cannot believe it! That was great. - Neither can I.

The same thing happened to me last week. I was over there.

It wasn't bees, though. It was a foaming squirrel.

In southeast Asia, we'd call this type of thing "bad Karma."

Honey, bee stings don't heal if you keep playing with them.

If we had gone to the lake, I'd have twice as many of these by now.

- It isn't like anything you said is coming true. - Where are you going?

I can't walk away without you asking where I'm going?

I'm going to Paris, France, okay? I'm going to banff, Canada, all right?

- That's where I'm going. - Are you taking the dog?

Yeah, yeah. I'm taking the dog for a walk.

No, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, Vince, let's go over here, huh? Let's not go that way tonight.

Here. Here's a nice yard. It's a good yard.

Hey, you with the dog!

Hey, keep that mutt off my lawn, will ya?

All right. Have a field day.

He comes over here to smoke cigars. His wife won't let him. He doesn't know I know that.

Hi, ray. How ya doin', bud?

- Hey, there, Mr. Peterson. - How are you? Good to see you.

- Wouldn't need a lighter, would you? - Thanks.

- It is a lovely night, isn't it? - Yeah, green sky tonight.

Green sky at morning: Neighbor take warning.

Green sky at night?

Neighbor take flight.

You know, did you ever see the movie the sentinel, Mr. Peterson?

It's about the old guy who owns the apartment which is kind of like the gateway to hell.

No, I didn't see that.

Oh, well, I was doing some thinking.

And, you know, being that their last house burned down and all...

It's like, maybe, somebody left the gate open.

It's them. They're movin' around again.

You know, it was a night just like this that it happened.

What happened, Mr. weingartner?

It was a long time ago, Ricky. Hinkley hills was a lot smaller then.

Safer too. You never had to lock your doors. Everybody knew everybody.

I must have been maybe nine, ten years old.

- You know where the big mall is? - Yeah.

There used to be a big drugstore on the corner there.

- It had a big soda fountain. Remember that? - Yeah.

The guy who ran it was a rotund guy, had glasses.

His name was skip. Lived over on elm.

Had a wife, a couple kids. Not too sharp. I mean, hey...

The guy's 40 years old, he's wearing a paper hat and making cherry cokes.

It's a cinch he's not running for governor, right?

Anyway, it got hot that summer.

It got real hot. It was sweltering.

That heat where your underwear sweats and it crawls up the...

Anyway, it's hot, okay?

And they start smelling this really vile stench over on elm...

And they figure it's comin' from skip's place.

No one wants to say anything. I mean, what do you do?

Go knock on the guy's door, "hi, your house stinks"?

So people are trying to ignore it, right?

They're trying to pretend it isn't happening. You know those pine things?

They're trying to cover up with those pine things that you can put in cars.

People are hanging those on their porches.

- Oh, you think that's funny, Ricky? - Well, yeah.

Oh, yeah? Let me tell you what happened next.

The state health inspector shows up. They go over. They talk to skip.

He says he's got a sump pump problem. They leave.

Hey, the guy's got a sewer problem. He says he'll look after it.

- Everything's okay, right? - Yeah.

Wrong. A couple hours later...

There's smoke pouring out of the windows of skip's house.

- The firemen go in. Know what they find? - What?

Skip's family, dead. Murdered...

By skip... weeks earlier... With an ice pick.

Yeah, the guy killed his whole family...

With an ice pick.

Yeah. Yeah, just put 'em in the cool basement...

Covered 'em up with a sheet and went back to makin' ice cream treats for the townsfolk.

Only skip didn't count on there being a big heat wave that summer.

You know what all those people were smelling on elm, Ricky?

What?

Skip's family's bodies, decomposing in the summer heat.

Yeah, apparently, one day skip made just one-too-many lemon phosphates.

El snappo.

I remember that. I remember hearing about that when I was a kid.

They... they tore down the soda fountain that fall.

These towns are full of those stories. Sometimes they're happening right under your nose.

You know, speaking of noses...

Ever since this family has moved to this block...

I've been noticing a weird kind of odour.

Kind of like death.

Oh, jump a little higher, spud webb.

- Oh, slam dunk! - Sorry, Mr. Peterson, it was a mistake.

- I didn't mean... well, it wasn't a mistake. - Don't apologize.

- I'm goin' home. - Oh, come on.

- Don't be a weenie. It was a joke! - I'm sorry, Mr. Peterson.

I'm gonna go do something productive. I'm gonna go watch television.

The answer is: It's the next federal holiday after Washington's birthday.

- What is Lincoln's birthday? - What is Memorial Day?

Memorial Day is it. Select.

- They combined Lincoln's birthday with Washington's. - It's always flip-flopping.

- It's one weekend now. - "Remain calm...

Float with arms stretched out at right angles to the body..."

That's what you used to say to me in college, honey, right?

- So what about your parents? - They're not gonna be home 'til Thursday.

Gail, I swear to god, this is better than anything on television.

- Why can't we go to a movie? - A movie?

That's not real. It's the same as television.

Trust me. This is real.

This is my neighborhood.

Here he comes, right on schedule.

God, I love this street.

Ray!

- What? - Who was Mussolini?

- "How sweet it is" was, uh... - Right again.

Business and industry for 200.

In the McDonald's corporate think tank...

- Art, we're watching the show. - What does he want?

I don't know.

- But I'll be back in time for final jeopardy. - Nebraskans for 1,000, please.

Okay, okay, the show's started. Check it out.

You see the guy with the curly hair? That's Mr. Peterson.

He's like this sceptic. He's basically grounded in reality...

And he doesn't want to believe his neighbors are up to something strange...

'Cause if they were, he'd have to deal with it, right?

Okay, now see the fat guy? That's Mr. weingartner.

He thinks the klopeks are really evil...

And that they're building a dungeon in their basement.

So he and Mr. rumsfield decided to do a little snooping around tonight.

This should be good.

- What is this? - It's an infrared scope.

- Snipers use it for night vision. - What are we gonna do with it?

I'm gonna crawl over there and get a look in those barred-up basement windows.

Come here.

Guys, I've been thinking about it. I don't think we should go through with this.

What are you? Are you a 'fraidy cat?

No, I just think things have gone off the deep end.

I mean, infrared night vision scopes? What are we gonna do next, tap their phone line?

Oh, that can be arranged.

Then all we have to do is burn a cross on their front lawn.

- Quiet. - You hear that?

No, that was just me.

- It's a low-frequency hum or something. - It's getting louder.

Listen.

Is that a transformer or something?

- The goddamn power company. - But I can't... where is it coming from?

I know where it's coming from.

Wow!

- What the hell was that? - Brownout.

Smells like they're cooking a goddamn cat over there.

- I'm gonna go find out what exactly... - Down! Get down, get down!

No headlights...

I can see the news report now:

"They were a quiet family. Kept pretty much to themselves.

No one would have ever suspected them of foul play."

And then bang the hell out of it with a stick. I've never seen that.

I say we get a look in those garbage cans.

Call me overly cautious, but don't you think that's a bit suspicious?

The three of us going through their garbage at 11 o'clock at night in the middle of a rainstorm?

Affirmative. That garbage is going nowhere.

I say we wait 'til first light. Scope me.

I'm outta here.

Rain delay. Bummer.

Ray, what was that you were saying the other day about half-cocked theories?

I think that's the term you used. Ray... sleep tight.

No way Wednesday night. I'm in a league.

This seminar could change your life, Vic. The man is a great healer.

And I'm a great bowler. Wednesday night we're taking on roselli plumbing.

You should expose yourself to this guy, Vic. He understands paraphysical forces...

The healing capabilities of crystals and the laying on of hands.

- You wanna try laying on some hands? - Wait! Hold it, garbies! Garbies!

Garbagemen! Hold on a minute! Wait a sec!

Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold it!

- Hold it! What are you doin"? - I'm emptying garbage.

Into the garbage truck? Are you outta your mind? Give me that!

- Hey, cut that out! - There's nothing here.

Not a finger, not a nose, nothing!

- Give me that. - Here you go.

- What are you doin"? - You asked me to help.

Who you calling?

I'm calling the delvaneys and having them open the cottage.

No, Carol. I don't want to go to the cottage.

Fine. Then Dave and I will go and you can stay here and spy.

- Oh, alright! Okay! - What? What? Are you sulking now?

- No, go up to the cottage! - Is that what's happening?

Take Dave and go to the cottage. Leave me to pad around the house.

"Pad around the house"? All you do is pal around the neighborhood...

- That's my vacation! - With those two chuckleheads!

- You know, I am very, very worried about you. - Why?

- You're acting like... - What am I acting like, Carol?

- I'm acting like a guy who's on vacation! - Like this!

- This is not someone on vacation! - See? I sleep late!

- Get a tan then! - Oh, get a tan!

- How? In my pyjamas? - Fix the barbecue! I don't know!

Look, look! You go to the cottage and get a tan! Take David with you!

I don't care! I'll eat takeout! I'll do the laundry by myself!

- I'll vacuum the house! It'll be spotless! - Dad! Dad!

- What? - Art's throwing garbage all over the street.

Your mom and I are having a conversation! If you... what?

- Get out of the truck, man! Are you nuts? - Hey, it's gotta be in here somewhere.

The supreme court ruled that a person's garbage...

- Is public domain the minute it hits the kerb. - Shut up!

Did you guys pick up a hefty bag out of that yard...

That was bulky and probably a little moist?

- What the hell is wrong with these people? - He has a right to know, Vic.

Don't start up with me. Hey, could you help me get this guy out of here?

Hey, art. What's happening?

No! Ray! Ray, come back here!

Just one... I'll be... yeah!

My taxes pay your salary!

Look, I don't want to hear any of your bullshit either!

The question here is garbage and who picks up this mess!

Who picks up this mess?

You're gonna pick up the mess because you are a garbageman.

I pick up garbage in cans, not from the street!

Ray, there's nothing in here. We practically checked this whole truck.

They must have switched on us during the night.

- The f.B.1.? - No, the klopeks.

Oh, no. Naughty little puppy.

Uncle markie gets very upset when you're on his lawn.

Wait a minute. You're all dirty, and you're shaking.

I wonder if Walter knows you're outside.

- In the rain? - Yeah, it was raining.

- And there were how many of them? - Well, uh, three.

- And what were they doing? - They were diggin'.

Digging! Like grave diggers!

- I told you! They're ghouls! - No, I didn't say they were graves.

They could've been digging for anything.

They could have been digging for... like night crawlers.

- Night crawlers? - They're fishermen.

- Fishermen! Ray, wake up and smell the coffee! - They need bait.

The kid spotted us last night. When we were sleeping, he got up.

He went to the garbage can, he took the body and then he...

He buried him in the backyard.

- Let's get outta here. - It like this.

I hate cul-de-sacs. There's only one way out, and the people are kinda weird.

Naked ladies... come on.

Does anyone know if Walter left a spare key around anywhere?

He must have gone away and forgot to feed queenie.

- Walter! - I hope nothing happened to him.

- I think we should call the police. - Oh, good plan, ray.

Wait a minute. I think I see something moving in there.

How did you get in there?

A soldier's way saves the day. Entrez.

- Good, honey. - Beautiful.

- Walter? - What's been going on here?

- This doesn't look good. - Murder, my friend.

- Murder? - There are signs of a struggle here.

The TV's still on. Chairs turned over.

I wouldn't say that's a sign of a struggle.

You know, I think I should go upstairs and check this out.

Maybe the guy's upstairs in a bathtub or something...

Cracked his head open, there's blood and stuff everywhere...

- Just don't touch anything up there, all right? - Yes, sir, Mr. Peterson.

Come on, let's see if we can find some dog food.

I don't like this. I don't like snooping around a neighbor's house.

You mean a dead guy's house?

You wanna take that out of your pocket? You wanna not steal that from Walter's house?

What's the difference? All this junk is gonna end up in a flea market sooner or later.

He might have just left in a hurry and forgot about the dog.

- Stay right here, and we'll find your dish. - Old people space out sometimes.

Bullseye!

- What, what, what? - A dead rat! There!

Honey, that's not a rat. That's Walter's toupee.

Oh, jeez. Beautiful place to keep a toupee: On the stove.

- I'm starving. - I know one thing about these old guys:

They don't ever leave the house without their hair.

No, sir.

Walter left this house... In a big hurry.

Hey, you guys, look! These cookies are...

- That's great! Everybody out! - Great, Ricky. Very nice...

- Very nice! - I think we've broken enough laws for one day.

- I'm sorry, but we have not looked... - Let's just get outta here.

- It's not against the law to break cookies. - I can't believe you people talked me into this.

Why don't we just get out of our neighbor's house?

"Walter, your dog is at my house.

Your window is broken because we all thought that..."

"Walter...

1 have your dog.

Ray."

Mr. klopek!

Mr. klopek, hi. Ray Peterson.

Listen, I was w...

What is this doggy-gram? This just came for you. It might be important.

Come here. Save some for your friend. Right there. Go on.

- Honey, have you seen your father? - I think he's in the basement with art.

He's playing canasta or something.

Honey?

Ray!

Art, you had a dream you were gonna win the lottery.

- You blew $500 on tickets. - I can't believe you're still bringing that up.

You had a dream a plane was gonna crash, so you took the bus to Las Vegas.

If I had been on the plane, it would have crashed.

And it doesn't matter. This wasn't a dream. This was a vision.

- These people are satanists. - This is all gibberish.

As I sit here, they're satansists.

Look, the world is full of these kind of things. Look at this.

Black masses, mutilations. Mutilations!

The incubus, the succubus. I'm telling you, Walter was a human sacrifice.

I should have gone to the lake. I should have listened to Carol.

Listen to your wife? Who listens to their wife? You gotta listen to me.

We gotta go down to the religious supply store.

We gotta get ourselves a couple of gallons of holy water.

My cousin is a priest. He can get us a deal.

- Then we gotta go to the market. - I don't want to hear this.

- We gotta get oursleves these big strings of garlic. - I'm not gonna listen.

- We gotta get some fresh lamb's blood. - I'm not going to hear this.

Ray, do you want 'em to take your family, kidnap 'em...

Tear their livers out and make some satanic pate?

I'm not going to listen to this.

- Ray, you're chanting. Ray. - I'm not going to hear this now.

Ray, look. Ray. Unconscious chanting. You're chanting!

I want to kill everyone.

Satan is good. Satan is our pal.

Ray, ray, you're chanting. Hey...

Once they get in here, it's over, pal.

Satanists, huh?

Ritual killers?

Nice. Very, very nice.

So let me get this straight.

The klopeks are offering up Walter as a sort of human sacrifice to beelzebub?

- Is that it? - That's one of the theories. Yeah.

Great, great.

So this is your relaxing week at home, huh?

I wouldn't have missed this for the worid.

- A week in Jonestown. - Where are you going?

To the bathroom. Relax.

What is it?

Carol?

Carol?

Carol?

Ray...

Ray...

It was so nice of you to invite the new neighbors over for a barbecue, ray.

Satan is good. Satan is our pal. I want to kill everyone.

Satan is good. Satan is our pal.

Oh, ray Peterson...

Whatever you do, don't let them do to you...

- What they did to me. - Oh, I bet that hurts, huh?

Hey, hey, hey!

Who the heck ordered the blood shake?

Hey, ray. It's not skip. It's me, art. I'm just pretending to be skip.

Hey, you didn't happen to see an ice pick around here, did you?

Mind your own business.

Mind your own business!

Okay!

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood

it's a beautiful day for a neighbor

would you be mine could you be mine

it's a neighborly day in this beauty wood

a neighborly day for a beauty

would you be mine could you be mine

I have always wanted to have a neighbor

just like you

I've always wanted to live in the neighborhood with you

so let's make the most of this beautiful day

since we're together I might as well say

would you be mine could you be mine

won't you be my neighbor

won't you please won't you please

please, won't you be my neighbor

hey, ray! Ray, we got a plan! Come on.

We got a plan. Come on. We got... oh...

Sorry, boys. My husband's not feeling well. He has to stay in his room.

- Ooh, he was bad. - Come on.

Please, Carol, let him come out.

Come on...

He can't come out until he resembles the man that I married.

- We don't have that kind of time. Come on. - Please let him come out.

I think that I have given you my answer.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The bees came from there.

- And watch this hole. - Okay, let's try the side door.

Okay, do it.

Do what? We agreed to do it together.

- Ray. Ray. - I'm only trying to take a nap.

I'm only laying here with my eyes closed, trying to get some goddamn sleep.

Quiet, quiet, quiet. I wouldn't wake you if it wasn't important.

- I think we flushed 'em out. The klopeks! - Okay.

- Rumsfield and I, we flushed 'em out. - How?

We wrote a note. We slipped it under their door.

- We rang the bell, and then we ran. - You did that?

- Yeah. - Oh, geez! Stupid idi...

I can't believe you...

All I did was write, "I know what you've done." That's all.

- I didn't sign it or anything. - Oh, I can't... you stupid...

- Why didn't you... god! - You gotta goose these people once in a while.

You gotta give them a little shot, a little whack. Let 'em know that you're there!

Jeez... good dog, Vince. Go get it.

Here's the thing, though, art. They're gonna think I did it.

- Why? - The old guy saw me write a note...

And put it under Walter's door. So they're gonna think that I did it!

You wrote a note and put it under the... I didn't know that.

It doesn't matter 'cause we got 'em on the run now!

Now they know that we know that they know that we know!

Yes, it does matter! You did it, but they're gonna suspect me!

They're not gonna suspect anybody. They're...

- Do you know what this is? - It's a bone.

- It's a femur. - [T's a femur bone.

A femur just happens to be a human thigh bone, ray.

- Wait, how do you know that? - Biology 101.

I mean, look at the size of this thing.

Think this came off a chicken or something?

Where the hell did Vince get this?

He dug it up from underneath the fence.

Ray...

Ray, there's no doubt anymore.

This is real. Your neighbors are murdering people.

They're chopping 'em up. They're burying 'em in their backyard.

Ray, this is Walter.

- No! - No!

There's just got to be some other explanation for this.

It's just some litter. The guy's a litterbug.

It could be a candy bar wrapper. It could be a napkin.

It could be a crumpled up credit card receipt. Those things blow around all the time.

It, it, uh... no, it's my note.

- Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry! - Ouch!

I didn't see you. I didn't see you.

Great. Crush a beer can. You feel better now?

Well... I think it's time we all stopped acting like kindergartners.

- Don't you, ray? - Yes, Carol.

Now, before somebody falls off a roof or sets themselves on fire...

I think we should go over there, knock on their door...

And invite ourselves in for a nice, neighborly chat.

Get to know these people like we should have done a month ago.

That's a good idea. And I'll make brownies.

- Great. While you keep 'em busy, I... - You're not invited.

- Can't we do this tomorrow, Carol? - Would you relax?

We'll probably find out more in five minutes of friendly chat...

Than you guys can in a month of snooping around.

Okay, now, everybody just act normal.

- Who is it? - Yoo-hoo! It's Carol Peterson from next door.

There go the goddamn brownies.

Hi. Welcome to Mayfield place. We're your neighbors.

We brought dessert...

Uh, is your mother home?

Here you go, Sonny. A little something for the old sweet tooth.

I can't believe you've lived here a whole month...

And we haven't come by to say hello.

Well, I'm your neighbor, ray Peterson, and that's my wife, Carol.

That's Bonnie, and this is, uh...

Rumsfield's the name.

Don't think I caught yours, Sonny.

- Hans. - Hans!

A fine, Christian name. Hans Christian andersen.

- What, are you catholic? - I don't know.

Oh. Pretty girl.

- Friend of yours? - No, it came with the frame.

- "Tt came with the frame"? - Yes.

Oh, is this the dining room? Oh! You startled me.

- My uncle Reuben. - Well, how do you do?

You are the one who lives next door.

- Um... why don't we get some coffee, Bonnie? - T'l do it.

What do you say we all sit down for a little face-to-face, eh, what, reub?

They're in there, alright. They're all just standing around.

Oh, great. Don't worry, you guys. I can get this. Don't worry about it.

- I really appreciate your help. Really. - No problem. Just be careful.

- I mean, it's pretty dangerous with the trip wire. - Yeah, yeah, okay. Thanks for your advice.

- Watch! - Be careful!

I'm watchin'.

Did you make it?

I'm alright! I'm okay, I'm okay.

Just throw me over the tools.

Sure was damp today.

Yes, I just can't seem to do anything with my hair.

Sardine?

I'm trying to cut back.

Sardine?

Um... so, how are you enjoying Hinkley hills?

We just love it.

- Don't we? - Yes!

Klopek. What is that, slavic?

No!

About a nine on the tension scale, reub.

How do you like living here so far, huh?

Pretty comfortable house, ain't it?

Good, solid walls.

Good, solid floors.

Got somebody tied up in the old cellar, have you, reub?

It's packing dust. I'm sorry.

So... just you and unc living here in the house, is that it, Sonny?

- No... - Please, this is a small family:

Me, the young boy...

And my brother... the doctor.

Well, won't it be nice to have a doctor in the neighborhood?

You know, I think it's great you've been able to stay with all the original wood.

I was never over here when the knapps lived here.

How unfortunate for the knapps.

You know, it's funny, but I don't ever remember seeing a moving Van out front.

I don't understand that. It was parked outside all day!

- Really? - Say, how is, uh...

The... drainage on your property here?

I know when it rains at our house, boy, the basement just floods right over.

Basement...? Ray comes up with a winning idea.

Maybe we should go down and take a look in the basement.

Maybe that was brother down there, tapping on the ceiling a couple minutes ago.

Who knows?

Just what kind of doctor is this brother of yours, reub?

Why don't you ask him yourself?

Ah, we have guests.

Sort of.

My brother, the doctor.

Werner klopek. How nice to meet you.

Ray Peterson.

Oh, pardon my glove.

I thought the candles would be romantic... For the ladies.

- They're lovely. - I really must apologize for the paint.

I was just touching up one of my pictures.

I find painting relaxes me.

Sugar substitute?

No, thank you.

It was impolite of us not to have introduced ourselves sooner.

I find my work is rather solitary.

It always keeps us on the move.

Did you know we've had to move four times in as many years?

Oh, all that moving must be very hard on you, hans.

Indeed. And tomorrow...

Tomorrow we must all go to the university...

To discuss yet another transfer.

No... and we're just getting to know you.

That's a shame. Isn't that a shame, honey?

That's a shame.

Says who?

And I was just remarking to hans... today...

How nice it would be...

To meet all of our new neighbors...

And here you are.

Actually, doc, we're not all here.

Walter, the old man next door. We don't know where the hell he is.

Oh, god! Jesus Christ!

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Ow!

Terrible, terrible thing, the plight of the elderly.

We were just remarking the other day about how an old guy like that...

Could just drop off the face of the earth without a sign.

Vanish. No one ever see him again. No trace. Nothing.

Right, ray? Yesterday, wasn't it? We were just talking about it yesterday afternoon.

I bet you were.

Look, why don't we just cut all this polite crap, alright?

What's the weird goddamn noise you got comin' outta here all the time?

Uh, I think we should go...

- What have you got in the cellar, herr klopek? - Mark!

Ray, come on! Tell 'em what you saw. Tell 'em.

- I have to use your bathroom. - Ray, remember night before last?

- You said they were digging. Ray! - Don't open that!

You keep a horse in the basement?

- Is it a burglar? - No, it's art.

- Another neighbor? - A fat one.

Go on, you mangy mutt!

I'm sorry if landru frightened you.

- His size tends to overwhelm people. - Oh, no, no.

We've imposed on you enough for one evening. It's been lovely meeting you.

- See you, doc. Later, reub. - Bye, hans.

Yes, doctor. It's been real.

- Are you alright? - Yes, I'm fine.

Let's do this again sometime... Real soon.

- We'll see ourselves to the door. Honey? - Good night!

Okay, okay, I admit it. They're slightly eccentric.

"Slightly eccentric"? Carol...

- But that doesn't mean... - Come on!

- They chopped Walter into little pieces! - These people are clearly psychos!

Ray, what do you think?

Yeah, what do you think?

Right. Been awfully quiet, ray.

Maybe we could have a little participation here.

I think they're clean. I think Bonnie and Carol are right.

- See? - That's great, ray.

Just pull open the door, pull the rip cord and bail out on us.

That's rich, considering you're the one who started this whole thing to begin with.

- Who started it, tuna neck? - "Tuna neck"?

- You instigated this whole damn thing! - You know who instigated this?

Your little boy watching people dig in the backyard!

- You leave my... - Honey, would you and Bonnie excuse us?

I think I should have a talk with the boys in the den for a few minutes.

Okay.

It's good to see you've come to your senses, sweetie.

Just a minute or two.

So, what's the deal, ray?

Are you siding with the chicks against us? Is that it?

Yeah, are you totally pussy-whipped or what?

Just take your balls out of your wife's purse.

Make a stand for one time in your life.

Hey, ray, come on!

- It's just a figure of speech! - It's a joke. He's kiddin' around.

Oh, it's Walter's rug.

So you got an old guy's wig. Big deal.

You've had that in your trousers all day?

After you found this in Walter's house yesterday...

I slipped it back in through the mail slot.

- Yeah? - Where did you get it this time?

Klopeks? Wow...

After the dog came up out of the basement...

I found it wedged between a bunch of magazines...

All of which, I might add, were addressed to Walter.

Well, then... Then that means that...

Klopeks went back inside Walter's house...

And got the hair.

What do we do now, soldier?

You heard them say they were going away tomorrow.

- Yeah... - As soon as that car leaves in the morning...

I'm going over the fence and I'm not comin' back 'til I find a dead body.

Nobody knocks off an old man in my neighborhood and gets away with it.

Gentlemen, we are on alert.

Honey, you know what you could do?

Go get those flag stones at the garden center and put them along the walk.

Yeah, that'd be a hice project.

I've got a foursome lined up with art today in an hour and a half though.

I didn't mean right now. You hate golf.

Well, it's my vacation, honey. I just wanted to get out of the house.

I would think, after the week I put you through, you'd want to too.

Why do I get the impression that you're trying to get rid of me?

I'm gonna be gone all day, hon. It'd be a good time for you to go see Evelyn.

And you have a good time with the cousins.

I hate them, dad. Rudy is a moron, and Diane smells.

Have a nice weekend.

I'll see you later.

Hey, Carol, see my new golf glove here?

I got it so I don't get blisters playing golf.

We're gonna be playing that much golf. Really.

Fore!

Think she bought it?

Yo, Steve-man. Hey, what's the haps, dude?

You gotta come down here today. It's gonna be live.

No, you've got to.

Something's about to happen. I can't tell you.

Are you sure you know what you're doing, art?

There's an awful lot of juice going through those wires.

You hit the wrong one, you're a post toastie.

Ray, electricity is our friend.

Besides, we wanna take out their alarms, don't we?

I was thinking maybe we could bypass the fence altogether and find another way in.

No one knows how many trip alarms they have in there.

No, no, I can take out everything they've got with one clip of the snips.

- Right, captain? - Affirmative.

Siren mode. Pretty neat, eh?

You know, I can raise all the police channels...

And the power company channels on this baby.

- Now be careful up there, art. - It's okay, ray. I'll get it.

We gotta get going though. We're burning daylight here.

Hey, where should we start diggin' once we get over there?

We start in the backyard, then check the basement.

Be careful up there. Go slow, huh?

Hey, safety is my middle name.

I thought his middle name was Louis.

Are you sure you're alright up there?

I don't know that he knows what he's doing.

Well, why didn't you go up there?

It's very high.

Oh, Jesus!

Jesus Christ! Get an ambulance on that thing!

I'm okay. I'm alright.

God!

I took a jolt, but I'm okay.

- Can you stand up? Use your legs? - Oh, yeah.

- Try one of these. - Oh, yeah, that's better.

- Whoa, whoa. - No, no, no. Jesus.

Look at my fingers. My fingernails are black.

- My fillings are hot. - Hey, look at this.

The man actually hit the right wire! There's no alarm!

- Hey, good work. - Congratulations. Now give me five.

- I'm gonna set up a communications base. - You got it.

- Here, you're gonna need this. - Here... here.

Hey, hey, hey, rumsfield! Dude! What are you doing with the gun?

Just shut up and paint your goddamn house!

Fine...

Task force one, this is eagle eye.

You are all clear.

Roger, eagle eye. We're going over.

Roger. Red rover, red rover, let ray go over.

Good. Now, red rover, red rover, let art go on over.

That's great. Over.

Man, it's really getting hot out here.

Yeah. Yeah, it is getting hot, art.

Why don't you dig one of your own holes, huh?

Well, I was just checking this one. Besides, the radio... I was monitoring...

This is turning out to be a lot more work than we thought it was gonna be.

Why don't we check the house? It's probably a lot cooler in there.

That's a good idea. Let's try the house.

We'll start in the basement.

We'll start in the basement and just work our way up.

You know, ray, I'm thinking the reason we didn't find anything in the backyard...

Is because they probably weren't burying anybody in the backyard.

They were digging bodies up and they probably buried them in the basement of the house.

That's a possibility, art.

I say we start in the kitchen. They probably got some cold beer in there.

Or some knockwurst or something. I'm starving.

It's locked.

- Hey, give me a credit card. - Yeah.

- Where did you learn how to do that? - I don't know how to do this.

Ah, it's a shit store anyway.

Ray... ray, do the words "breaking and entering” mean anything to you?

Hey, Mr. rumsfield!

Hey, yo, man! I wanted to introduce you to my friend.

- This is Steve kuntz. - Hey, dude.

- He's here to watch the show this afternoon. - Great...

It's about time, you guys. Hey, Ricky!

Hey, man, when's the big unveiling, huh?

- Look, I gotta go to work in a couple hours. - Hey, man, piss off!

- Ricky! - Yo!

- Get this lame-o out of your yard! - Get out of my yard, lame-o!

- What's his problem? - Hey! Hey! Get out of my yard!

Ray, look at the size of this furnace.

This thing's got to be 80 years old.

These old places have got to be hell to heat, huh?

Well, this house isn't that big.

What the hell does he need a furnace like this for?

I think there's been some modifications on this 'cause this conduit's brand new.

It runs all the way back over there and up through a hole in the ceiling.

I saw some of that in their living room.

And a thermostat on a home furnace...

Is that supposed to go to 5,000 degrees, do you think?

It must be what all the noise was. Look at all the stuff they put together down here.

- They got this place wired with batteries. - There's gotta be 40 of 'em.

Look, we got power here.

This is no ordinary furnace.

What's that?

Yo, rumsfield!

Awesome!

Mr. rumsfield, are you okay?

- Yes, yes, I'm alright. - That was very cool, man.

Art. Art, look!

- Look! I found it! - That's loose dirt.

They must have burned his body up in the furnace...

- And then buried his bones right here. - What do we do now?

I'll tell him that they built a crematorium down here.

No, don't tell him that. He'll just want to come down.

- Just wait 'til we find something. - Ray, that could take all night.

Mr. rumsfield, you guys managed to knock out the power in the entire block.

- Probably the whole south end of town. - Ricky, shut up!

Hey Rick! Listen, man. We're gonna make a run to mcd's.

- You want a quarterpounder or something? - Hey, no way!

Hey, wait, you guys can't go now. It's the best part.

- I called the pizza dude. - Alright!

Ray, I think we can give up. They'd never bury him this deep.

Who, besides us, would dig this deep into this kind of sludge?

- That was metal! That was metal! You hit a crypt! - Hey!

They buried him in a crypt! I'll get my blowtorch! I'll call it in! I'll call it in!

Hello! Hey, uh... Eagle eye, this is ground force one.

We have found Walter! We found Walter! I'll be out in a minute!

Dig there! Dig there! Oh, yes! We found him!

We caught you, reub.

You've been playing us for saps, but you were wrong.

Mr. weingartner! Art!

Look! Look over there! Look! Right now!

Go on. Go on. T'll...

Walter!

Let me go. I'm alright.

Ray! Raymond!

Listen up real carefully, mister.

We got a real problem.

Hey, ray, guess who's not in the basement! Walter!

He's back! He's back!

Klopeks! With coppers!

Keep 'em busy. Keep 'em busy. I'll get ray.

- Keep them busy! - Alright, okay, alright!

Stop! Stop right there! Don't go any further!

You're going! Stop!

Hey!

Mr. officer, wait.

There are these people in my parents' house and they're eating all their food!

Ray, Walter showed up!

- And the klopeks! I got Ricky down there... - I hit the gas line! Run!

- Gas! - Run!

- What is the problem here? - Thank god you're here.

- No problem, sir. - This is not a police matter.

There have been some intruders!

We hit a pipe! There's all kinds of gas!

It's gonna blow!

- Alright! - Man, Ricky sure knows how to throw a party.

Was that your house?

Ray...

Something is moving in there.

Ray... ray, you found it, right? Before it blew, you found it, right?

Hey, tell me you found it! You found it, right?

Before everything went off, you had to have found it!

You got a lawsuit on your hands, mister.

Oh, god, what's this?

Your attention, please.

Please stay behind the barricade.

- I live here. That's my house. - Sorry, I've got to get the all clear from the gas company.

Excuse me, I can clear this. This is Mrs. Peterson. She lives here.

- Did I ask you? - Miss, you wanna come back here, please?

Excuse me, pal. Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough.

Hey!

- Oh, honey, what have they done to you? - You cut your hair.

I like it.

I'm telling you, officer, there's a body buried in that house.

- The old man, Mr. seznick, right? - Yeah, the old guy who's sitting here...

- Is buried in that house, Sherlock. - Watch it.

Hey, where was he anyway?

Mr. seznick was at the hospital 'til 8:00 this evening.

Seems that Monday night, he had some heart palpitations.

So he called his daughter and son-in-law, and they took him to the hospital.

What about the wig? They found a wig in this house.

- His wig! - The klopeks were picking up his mail for him.

Seems the doctor somehow got that wig mixed up with the newspapers and letters.

"Doctor"? You don't believe that this guy's a real doctor, do you? Come on!

Yes, I do believe he's a doctor.

In fact, he's a very well-respected pathologist, my friend.

And I'd say that you are damn lucky you didn't kill him in that blast.

Oh, yeah, I thank my lucky stars.

- Take care of this nitwit. - Hey, sorry about your car, man.

Destruction of private property. Destruction of public property.

Three counts of criminal trespassing.

Harassment, assault, vandalism!

And that poor old man claims he's got a ransom note...

That says you kidnapped his dog!

Do you hear me okay, Mr. Peterson?

I really do like your hair, honey.

You know, this doesn't change a thing.

They may think it does. They may think they're off the hook, but they're not.

No, they're not. Are they, ray? Go ahead, tell 'em.

Tell 'em. We got the goods on 'em, don't we?

Someday they're gonna dig up the back of that yard...

And they're gonna find the rest of that skeleton to go with that femur.

- It might not be Walter, but it's gonna be... - Shut up, art! Shut up!

God, you don't know when to quit, do you?

Look at me!

I'm a shell of a man because of you, art.

- Now, now... - Soldiers!

You leave 'em alone! Get off their case already!

They didn't do anything to us. They didn't do anything to us!

Alright, so they're different! So they keep to themselves!

Can you blame them? They live next door to people who break into their house...

And burn it down while they're gone for the day!

Remember what you were saying about people in the 'burbs, art?

People like skip?

People who mow their lawn for the 800th time and then snap?

Well, that's us! It's not them! That's us!

We're the ones vaulting over fences and peeking in through people's windows!

We're the ones throwing garbage in the street and lighting fires!

We're the ones who are acting suspicious and paranoid, art!

We're the lunatics! Us! It's not them!

It's us.

I don't know what to say. What, do you want me to move?

- I'm gonna kill him! - You're crazy!

- Back off! Back off! - Stop it! Stop it!

Break it up!

- Stop it! Stop it! - I don't care! I've been blown up!

Take me to the hospital!

Take me to a hospital, I'm sick.

My eye...

Honey? I'll just find out what hospital they're taking you to...

And then t'll... Follow right along.

- Okay? - Okay, honey.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine, Carol.

Okay, hepcats, get off my car!

- You know, dude, you should hang out a little bit. - Get off my car!

- This goes for you! - Chill out with us! We've got the pizza dude coming!

You imbecile! You sub-moron, you!

Who's that?

Oh, Dr. klopek...

I'm so sorry.

You know, Dr. klopek, when I get out of prison, I'm gonna help you rebuild your house.

I'll even do some of the work myself. I have the tools.

Carol's father just gave me a brand new set of tools.

Do I look like an idiot, Mr. Peterson?

- No... - Do you take me for an imbecile?

No...

You may have fooled the others, Mr. Peterson...

But you don't fool me.

Uh, I fooled the others?

- But you don't fool me. - I don't?

No, you don't.

Am I missing something here, doctor?

Come now, Mr. Peterson. You were in my basement.

Surely, you looked in the furnace.

I saw your furnace, doctor...

But I figured a man's furnace is his own business.

You saw one of my skulls, didn't you?

Oh, yes. I know you did.

It belonged to a neighbor of yours.

The name was knapp.

We took the house from them.

I offered to buy it, but you know how old people are.

They grow so attached to things.

Uh, you know, Dr. klopek, I think I forgot my wallet.

I let you keep the femur.

Now... now, I want my skull.

Or, perhaps, I might just take yours.

Hans.

Uh, hey!

Hey, the pizza dude!

- Yeah! Way to go! - Alright!

Far out!

Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest!

I, ray Peterson, am placing you under citizen's arrest for my attempted murder!

The man doesn't know what he's talking about.

- Citizen's arrest. Citizen's arrest. - Oh, ray.

Don't start with me, Carol. The man confessed. They murdered the knapps.

- He's demented. - Hey, Sherlock.

Get the klopeks to tell you where they buried the stiffs, okay?

You don't have a stiff. You don't have any evidence at all!

You do now.

This your vehicle, Dr. klopek?

Let's go, doc.

Hey! Pinocchio!

Where are you going?

Gotcha!

Don't you make a move, Sonny.

I was 18 months in the bush, and I can snap your neck in a heartbeat.

I think the message to psychos, fanatics, murderers...

Hutcases all over the world is, uh...

Do not mess with suburbanites because, uh, frankly, we're not gonna take it anymore.

We're not gonna be content to look after our lawns...

And wax our cars, paint our houses.

We're out to get 'em, Don. We are out to get them.

- Hello. - Hi.

So, what are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna pack a bag and go up to the lake.

We got 'em, neighbor.

- Get away from him. - Hey, you guys!

You wanna go down to bowl-0-rama for a beer or something?

Man, that was an incredible choke hold you put on me, pal.

Carol, the guy's a brute. How's that finger? Is it okay?

Where are you guys going? Where you going?

Going on vacation.

"Vacation"? What, are you crazy? This is a major media event here.

Geraldo Rivera's coming, and he's gonna excavate the basement of the klopeks!

It's gonna be broadcast on satellite all over the world, live!

Art!

Your wife's home!

- And your house is on fire! - Art, where are you?

- My wife is home! - Mr. Peterson, where you going?

It's just starting to get good.

I'm going away for a while, Ricky.

I want you to keep an eye on the neighborhood for me.

You betcha, Mr. Peterson.

No problem.

God, I love this street.