Original subtitles

Taxi!

Oh, hey, Ravi.

Hey, Jessie.

Why are you dressed as a nurse?

Oh, I have a big audition for that show Code Blue is the New Black.

How was the park?

Bad! I got kicked off the basketball court again!

They all laughed at me! Oh, sweetie.

Maybe they were laughing with you.

No, I do not think so.

As I walked off, they threw this at me.

"Just so it's clear, we are laughing at you, not with you."

Look, Ravi...

You may not be the best athlete, but you've got smarts.

And someday those smarts are gonna pay off.

But I want to be popular now.

I am tired of only hanging out with Sheila at school.

Ooh, who's Sheila?

The skeleton in the science lab.

Oh.

Well, is she cute? Was she cute?

Well, she has great bone structure.

Right. And who needs internal organs and skin anyway?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh. (WHISTLES)

I gotta go to my audition. You want to come with me?

Sure.

Oh, wait a minute!

You just want me to rehearse lines with you!

Yep! Already in the cab. Too late!

Congratulations!

You're on the Ride to Riches!

(BELL RINGING)

The ride to what now?

The trivia game show that streams live on the Internet,

right here from my taxi!

Ooh! Everybody at school watches this show!

This is so exciting! The only thing I got from my last cab ride was a rash.

Let's start the show!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Huzzah! We have won something already.

No, it's my mom.

Ma, I told you a zillion times,

don't call me while I'm doing the show!

Fine. I'll tell him.

She says, "Get your feet off the upholstery."

Oh, look, we're on camera.

Okay, meanwhile, I'm late, so can you hang up and start driving?

My mom says not until you say the magic word.

"No tip"?

Close enough!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Just a few rules,

I can only ask questions if the taxi is moving...

And if I get a question wrong,

or if anyone gets out of the taxi before we reach our destination,

the game is over, and I will lose all my prizes!

Hey, I was supposed to say that.

You want to drive the cab, too?

(SCOFFS) Someone should, we just got passed by a skateboarder.

Now step on it, I'm late for an audition.

Oh, so you're not a real nurse?

I was going to ask you about this spot I have on my arm.

I think that's gravy.

Hey, Bertram,

where are you going?

And what's in there?

These are my gym clothes.

(LAUGHING) What's so funny?

I was just picturing you on the rowing machine.

(CHUCKLES) It sank.

(LAUGHING) That is funny.

By the way, you know what's for dinner tonight?

What?

Nothing. (LAUGHING)

He's lying.

There's no way Bertram is going to the gym.

His idea of exercise is having to reach for the remote.

Let's follow him and find out where he's going.

Oh, good idea.

Aren't you coming?

It's Bertram. I can finish watching the game,

and we can still catch him in the lobby.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Why are all these people dressed up like it's the 1920s?

Dimwit. It's a Renaissance Faire!

It's where geeks go to blossom into full-blown dorks.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Bow before your noble ruler,

His Majesty King Stormborn!

On all fours, manservant! I need a foot stool!

Must I, sire? I just returneth from ye olde chiropractor.

I command thee!

Fine.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Ah.

'Tis I, your mighty King Stormborn!

Peasants bow before me,

warriors quake in my presence, and...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Utter fools, dare laugh at their King?

Reveal thyselves, you snickering scoundrels!

(LAUGHING)

Halt!

What are you two doing here?

Luke and I followed you to see where you were going.

And clearly it's not to work out. (SCOFFS)

Unless you're going to bench press those hobbits over there.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Resume!

Manservant, come hither!

Yes, my magnificent King?

Put these two in the stocks!

Absolutely not!

Zuri told me never to dabble in stocks.

You'll always end up taking a bath.

(LUKE GRUNTS)

What? No way! I don't do baths.

Hey, you can't do this!

Yes, I can! I'm the King! I've got a crown and everything.

It says "Taco Queen" on it.

Hey! We needed a corporate sponsor!

This much velvet doesn't come cheap.

What animal sleeps for seven months out of the year

and is considered the largest land carnivore on Earth?

Ooh! Ooh! Bertram!

It's an educated guess.

The correct and final answer, Mort, is the Kodiak bear.

Affirmative!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Now for round three, I will be asking questions

related to the Power Ponies cartoon.

Oh, no! I do not know anything about Power Ponies.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

No, I will not ask her that!

Because, Ma,

it's embarrassing!

Ask me what?

If you're single.

Yes, but not ready to mingle.

And I refuse to answer any more questions that don't involve a prize.

My mom says I'm a prize.

Hello? Can we please get back to the game?

Fine.

Would you like to pick up a friend for help?

Ooh... A friend?

That might be a problem for me.

How about a family member?

Oh, that I have.

I was on a hot streak playing Go Fish,

so this better be important.

It is. I need you to answer some questions

regarding Power Ponies.

Do you think you can help?

Does Princess Palomino poop in the Peppermint Pastures?

Yes!

Great. Mort!

Hit the gas. If I'm late to this audition,

you're gonna need a real nurse.

You have a terrible bedside manner.

But, I diagnosed your gravy.

Okay, Bertram,

this has gone on long enough.

You dare interrupt your King!

Such actions are punishable by beheading...

Ooh! Come to papa!

Make haste, young peasants.

We haven't much time before the King returns.

I'm not a peasant.

My haircut probably cost more than your car.

Prithee, hide!

Come on.

(EXCLAIMS)

Who are you?

Lord Thunderblood.

No, what's your real name?

Halt! It's Grover.

I'm an accountant from Brooklyn.

Okay, I've had enough of all these stupid made-up words like

Thunderblood, Grover, and accountant.

Let's just get out of here.

Resume! (EXCLAIMS)

Okay, what is the deal with everyone yelling

"halt" and "resume" all the time?

Halt!

Aw! Ew.

If you step out of character,

it's a rule to call "halt"

and then "resume" if you step back into character.

But no one is even around right now.

What's the point of rules if you don't follow them

even when no one is watching?

(CHUCKLES) You and I are not going to get along.

I was once king of this realm, before that

oaf Stormborn usurped my power.

But together, the three of us can overthrow the King

and take back the realm!

Uh, meanwhile, I was in those stocks a long time.

Where's the little squires' room?

Oh, you're kneeling in it.

(RETCHES)

You are correct! ALL: Yes!

The pony that vomits rainbows when she's sick is Pretty Patty!

My favorite episode is the one where Pretty Patty gets food poisoning!

So many colors!

(TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASH)

Are you guys okay? Uh-huh.

I just got rear-ended!

I gotta make sure Eleanor's okay!

You've got someone in the trunk?

Is that where you go if you lose?

No! Eleanor is the name of my cab!

She's my BFF.

No, no, no!

I can't be late to my audition!

Guys, let's take another cab.

I think Mort and Eleanor need some alone time.

No! I cannot leave!

Everyone at school is watching!

The baseball team is telling me to knock it out of the park.

I am not sure what I am knocking, or which park,

but I am pretty sure it is a good thing.

Whoa!

What happened? Did Eleanor catch you taking the bus?

No, I complained about the dent the guy put in my bumper,

and he put a dent in my face!

That is terrible!

I would pummel the pudding out of him,

if not for the rules that stipulate I cannot get out of the cab.

Oh, I suppose I could suspend the rule if you really wanted to...

No, no, no! Rules are rules! (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Once we cross the Valley of Megatroth...

Where's the Valley of Megatroth?

Halt!

You see those monkey bars over there that the kids are playing on,

yeah, that's it.

Resume!

Once crossed, the three of us can overthrow the King!

Wait, it's just the three of us?

How can we overthrow Bertram with just three people?

Easy! The King's guards lack strength,

bravery, and hand-eye coordination.

Then why did he pick them?

They were the cream of the crop, they were.

We're not an impressive lot.

Most of us really only go outdoors for the faire.

Your weapon, sire.

Uh, how am I supposed to win a battle with a pool noodle?

We have to use fake weapons.

Our mums won't let us use real ones.

Now, King Stormborn's bodyguards will be surrounding him,

so first we must disarm them with magic.

You must cast out the spells, and throw these bean bags at the guards.

Okay.

What spell was that?

No spell. I just wanted to throw something at you.

What took you so long? Did you go to Antarctica to get that ice?

Hurry up. I'm late!

And I am eager to start winning again!

Sorry kid, but that guy broke my glasses,

and I can't see a thing without them.

Since I can't drive, the game's over.

No, it's not...

(TIRES SCREECHING) (HORNS HONKING)

Move it, people! Nice turn signal, buddy!

Judging by his hand gesture,

I do not think he considers you a buddy.

Youse guys ready? Yeah.

But my costume kind of smells like... (SNIFFING)

Corn chips and social anxiety.

Mine smells fine, like it came right out of the packaging.

Yeah, we bought a bunch of girl's costumes five years ago,

but today is the first time we used one!

There's a shock.

Resume!

(SCREAMING)

King Stormborn,

your reign has come to an end!

For I, Lord Thunderblood,

along with Sir Pop-and-Lock

and the Wicked Witch of the Upper West Side,

are here to battle for your throne!

Nobody we know is here, right?

Protect thy King, minions!

Quick! Cast thy spells, witch!

Take a Shower spell!

Join a Gym spell!

Trim Your Ear Hair spell!

Move Out of Your Parents' Basement spell!

Attack, minions!

(YELLING)

We did it! We're winning!

Die, you treacherous varlet!

(SCREAMING)

Lord Blunderbutt!

It's Thunderblood! Anyway... (SIGHS)

I am defeated.

(GASPING AND GRUNTING)

Alas, our realm shall continue its plunge into darkness.

With the last bit of strength that is in my body,

I swear, Lord Thunderblood,

we will avenge your death.

I would have fought with you to the ends of the world.

(WEEPING)

And we with you, our one, true King!

Hey, why do you care so much if he dies?

I'm the one who cleans up after you once a year!

Bertram, we're having a dramatic death scene here!

Butt out!

Pop-and-Lock, is that you, boy?

Yes, sir, yes.

Tell my tale.

Death!

What a ham!

Speaking of ham, the pig race is a-starting.

So, it's time to wrap things up...

(GRUNTS) Death spell!

I said, Death spell!

I heard you! I'm trying to decide how I want to die.

Oh, I know!

(SIGHS)

(HUMMING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, now I'm dead.

(GASPING)

You have sent my sister to a ridiculously dainty death!

And now, I shall avenge her!

(GRUNTS)

As soon as I tape my noodle back together!

Out of the way, buddy!

Hey, pal, stay in your own lane! (HONKS)

Jessie, you're in all the lanes!

(TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMING)

And now you're on the sidewalk!

Ah, no one else is using it!

Well, not now! Because they all dove out of the way.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Can we please get back to playing the game?

I was this close to winning a massage chair.

My mom says slow down! She co-signed for this cab!

Yeah, Ma, I know you wanted me to be a doctor, but blood makes me faint!

Well, how does vomit make you feel?

Because I'm about to blow some serious chunks.

Yes, okay, almost to the audition!

Nothing can stop me now!

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Except that.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Prepare yourself for eternal slumber, Stormborn.

Thou thinks to threaten me with a very long nap?

Hast thou met me?

Feel the sting of my noodle!

(GRUNTING)

Ha! (LAUGHING)

A-ha.

(GRUNTING)

(CROWD YELLING) (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING) Whoa!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Halt!

Does anyone have a pillow?

This ground is really hard!

This is why we don't have girls around.

Yeah. That's why.

Resume!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(CROWD GASPING)

Freeze spell! Get Away From Me spell!

You Can't Spell spell!

(GRUNTS)

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

(CROWD GASPING) Oh!

Ow! My ankle!

I just twisted my ankle!

I'm not falling for that trap.

No, I really twisted my ankle! Halt!

(GRUNTS) (CROWD MURMURING)

Bertram, are you okay?

Do you need to go to the hospital?

Yes! Why did you two have to follow me?

This never would have happened if you'd just let me be!

It was either this or doing homework,

what were we supposed to do?

Do you know how exhausting it is waiting on you kids hand and foot?

Here, I have people waiting on me!

This is my only escape

and now you've ruined it!

We're really sorry, Bertram.

We didn't realize this was such a big deal for you.

We shouldn't have invaded your me-time.

It's okay. Now, help me up. All right.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, I am not gonna be able to walk.

You're going to have to carry me!

Carry you? He really does live in a fantasy world.

Appreciate it.

Okay, one ticket for not having a cab license.

One for lying to an officer about having a cab license.

And another for trying to bribe an officer not to give me a ticket

for not having a cab license.

All the kids at school thought it was awesome.

Although, you did get a frowny-face emoji

from the high school driver's ed teacher.

Whatever! There's still a little time left to make my audition!

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Emma?

No, there's absolutely no way I can come pick you up right now.

Come again? King who twisted his what?

Why are you guys dressed like

you just stepped out of the Dork Ages?

And why does he look like the host of Ride to Riches?

RAVI: Because he is the host!

We are all on the show!

Oh!

And everybody at school is watching!

Oh. Hide!

Would you two knock it off?

My ankle hurts, and I need to get to a hospital!

After my audition! We're just three blocks away!

Here! Ice it down with this. Hey!

My mom says give me back my ice!

And you're not good enough for me.

Can I borrow your phone for a second, please?

Sure.

(BREAKING)

(SCREAMING)

We're here! I made it!

No! Jessie,

you cannot get out of the cab.

I am just one question away from winning the grand prize!

I'm sorry, Ravi, I have to!

If I don't go into the audition right now,

I can kiss this part goodbye.

Then I guess I shall just remain a big loser.

Okay, forget about my audition.

There will always be other parts.

Thank you, Jessie! I am forever in your debt!

Remember that when your trust fund matures.

Okay, I'll just drive around the block.

Or we could drive to a hospital!

My ankle is the size of a grapefruit!

King Stormborn! Is that you, My Liege?

Without me spectacles you're just a big velvety blob.

'Tis I! King Stormborn!

And I order you to stop groping my face!

Actually, Bertram's no longer King,

so it's just Sir Stormborn now.

Oh. Say it's not so!

You're still bringing the mutton next week though, right?

Oh, and the quiche, as ushe.

Okay, I officially have no idea what anyone here is talking about.

All righty right, we are back in the game!

The category for your final question is...

Renaissance Faires!

Oh, no!

Not even I am nerdy enough to know about Renaissance Faires!

In a Renaissance re-enactment,

when a participant wishes to step out of character,

what word must they call out first?

Oh... Luke, everyone at school is watching.

Oh, dear.

I do not know.

I am going to embarrass myself in front of the whole school again.

Even Sheila the skeleton will shun me.

Is that your final answer?

I can't take it anymore! Ravi, the word is, "Halt."

Now everyone knows we were at the Renaissance Faire!

Why did you do that?

Because Sir Pop-and-Lock is a man of honor.

Indeed he is.

Mort, my final answer is "halt."

Correctamundo!

(CHEERING) Yes.

Ravi Gupta Balasubramanium Ross is our grand prize winner!

Oh, joy! What do I win?

You and your entire family get to go to an advanced

screening of Morgan Ross' new film, Galactopus 7.

ALL: Oh.

Well, you still won, Ravi,

and in front of the whole school.

I told you those smarts of yours are gonna pay off.

Thank you, Jessie.

Wow, look at this cab light up when you win.

Actually, those are police lights.

Jessie's getting pulled over again.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Don't these cops have something better to do?

Three people are getting mugged, right over there.

So this is where Bertram's been going on his day off?

All this time I thought he was going to the gym.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Jessie, Jessie, I'm King again!

Well, how did that happen?

I enlisted a fierce warrior who showeth no mercy.

Halt! I'm dead already, you win! Halt!

There is no "Halt!" You're playing my game now!

(LAUGHING)

Why is Zuri chasing my accountant?

(CHUCKLES)

Sir Pop-and-Lock and Wicked Witch of the Upper West Side

and I are off to conquer another realm!

Careth to join us?

Sure, I've got to run off all that mutton pie I just ate.

Onward!

ALL: Huzzah!

Oh!

(SCOFFS) Nerds.