Original subtitles

- Hi.

- Hi, marie.

- Why was a truck in front of the house

With the dancing little bugs on top?

- We've got termites. - Oh, my god!

Oh!

Oh, dear! I told you, dear.

You have to keep up with your housekeeping.

- Marie, why don't you--

- Oh, children, come on.

Off the floor right now.

Come on, come on. Come on.

You're all coming to stay with grandma.

- No, we have a hotel that we're gonna stay at

While they tent the house.

- A hotel?

Those places are even dirtier than here.

It's the raymond barone living memorial.

- Yeah. - So what happens?

Every 45 minutes, an actor dressed as you comes in

And recreates scenes from your life, huh?

Yeah.

[mimicking ray] "oh, no, where's my retainer?

"oh!

"hey, what's that? A pimple?

You know, all the other guys have hair down here."

- Yeah. That's it.

That's the whole show.

- All right, here we go.

The honeymoon suite.

We've got the closet right over here.

Toilet down the hall...

Light switch.

- Okay, we've got it. Thank you.

I'm not tipping you, robert.

- No, no. I just can't believe you're back.

- Don't worry, robert.

It's just for a couple of days.

- Yeah. That's what I said.

I'm sure you'll have a marvelous time.

Mom's going all out now that

[mimicking marie] "raymond has come home!"

- All right, thank you.

- All right, and by the way, there's a few rules.

I take my showers at 6:35 in the a.M.

You will please refrain from any and all flushing.

Despite what dad thinks, it is not funny.

Enjoy your stay.

[watch beeping]

- What are you doing? - Setting my alarm for 6:35.

- Hey, they're touching my stuff.

- Who? - Your kids.

The two boys and the other one.

I had a whole stack of quarters.

Now it's a pile!

- He keeps his quarters stacked up on the dresser.

- And I don't like anyone touching them!

You know that! - I know!

- You bet you do! - I know that I do!

- And don't you forget it!

- I know, dad! I won't!

- It's so-o-o peaceful here.

And I'll say this,

It's much smaller than a hotel room would have been.

- Come on. In a hotel room, you...

You couldn't get the complete set

Of "the book of knowledge."

Hey, let's look up reproductive organs.

That's all I had.

That's all I had.

Oh, debra.

You're here. - Hi.

- Hi.

I was just getting ready to watch my program.

Now.

[accordion music]

- Bonjour, mes etudiants de francais,

And welcome to "everyday french every day."

- This is my french lesson.

I watch it every day...

At 4:00...

Here.

[instructor on tv speaks in french]

[chuckles]

You know, debra, I tidied up raymond's room.

Wouldn't you be more comfortable there?

- Oh, the twins are napping in there.

- Oh.

- Say it with me.

"une baguette avec du fromage."

- Une baguette avec du fromage.

[chuckles]

Debra, you're reading,

And I'm sure this is distracting for you.

- Oh, no. I'm used to tv.

I can just tune it right out.

- A blood sausage...

Du boudin.

- Du boudin.

It was glaring on the screen.

- Yeah. - [chuckles]

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's probably too dark in here for you now.

- No, no. That's fine.

- Oh, good. [chuckles]

Good.

So long as you're comfortable.

That's the important thing.

I can't stand it! I can't live here this way.

- You're leaving?

- Hey, you're eating the brownies!

They're for--

- I know. Everything's for our very special guest...

Raymond.

Raymond, raymond, raymond, raymond, raymond,

Raymond, raymond...

- Raymond, you have to do something.

- All right, well, I didn't prepare anything,

But how about this?

[scat singing]

- I'm trying to watch my french class in there,

And it's very difficult.

Tres difficile.

- Aw, ma, don't french, okay?

Why? What's the matter?

- Well, debra's in there reading.

- What? Out loud? - No!

But I just don't feel free to participate.

It's very intrusive.

- What?

- Yeah, and one of your kids

Is clomping around in my shoes.

Some people find that cute.

I hate that.

- Yeah, and, ray,

Who flushed this morning while I was conditioning?

J'accuse.

- Oh.

- Oh...

- That's good, robbie. Good.

He's accusing you.

- I'm ignoring him.

- Ray. Please, raymond, go in and talk to debra.

I'm missing my french class.

- Ma, no!

- Oh, please, please. - No.

- Please. S'il vous plait.

- Yah-ha! Ma...

Don't "boo bah blah" me. All right.

Hey, could you go read in the other room?

- Why?

- My mom's trying to be french in here,

And you're...

Intruding.

- What?

- I don't know. You're in the way.

Look at you.

- Wait. Let me get this straight.

Sitting quietly on the sofa

Reading to myself is intruding?

- You know how the french are.

- I'm intruding...

But her coming over to my house every day with food,

And rewashing the kids' clothes,

And your father fixing things until they're broken,

That's not intruding? - Okay, all right, look.

It's one more day. - Oh, this is--I love this.

- Now I really love this. - Just play along.

One more. That's all.

- [scoffs] - what?

- [chuckles]

- What?

- You know what?

She thinks reading is intrusive?

[chuckles] okay.

- Oh, what the hell was that?

- What was what?

- That, that "heh heh...Okay"? What?

- Nothing. No. I was just thinking.

[laughing]

- [scoffs] termite bastards.

[ball game plays on tv]

- [whispers]

- I wanna watch "care bears."

- Hey, get outta the way!

- Sweetie.

- Sweetie!

- Ally, here's your corn dog, honey.

- Ally's having a corn dog now?

- Yeah.

I made enough for everybody. You want one?

- But it's almost dinner, and mom's making lasagna.

- Mmm.

- We shouldn't...

[stammering] be having corn dogs now.

Get one for me too.

- Yeah! Corn dog! - [chuckles]

Hey, bubble wrap. - Hi.

- How was the rest of your day, hmm?

- It's better now. - Yep.

- Hey, I'm back.

Oh, and I got all kinds of goodies here for you.

What are you doing?

- We're just-- we're having a little snack.

Corn dog.

- Corn...

Dog?

I am making dinner.

You should know not to eat at, uh...

- Those are hot, aren't they?

- What's the matter with you people?

I have lasagna in the oven.

- Oh, my god. I'm sorry, marie.

Was that for dinner?

I-I took it out to make the corn dogs.

Do you want a corn dog?

- No. Thank you, dear.

- I still want mine.

- Hey, what is this?

- Oh, gosh, I guess that's your dad's remote.

- [gasps]

- Must have accidentally brought it upstairs with me.

- This was no accident.

- Oh...

- Somebody help me!

- Geoffrey, get up. - What are you doing?

- I can't be the one who brings this to him.

He'll kill me, okay?

He likes geoffrey. Geoffrey--

Just stop that. Stop it. Go back to sleep.

- Listen, you're going too far with this.

- This?

This is nothing compared to what they do--

Look, when they come over and do stuff,

It's 'cause they don't know any better.

You do.

You know what that's called when you know better

And you still do it? - [sighs]

- Not nice.

- Oh!

- I'm serious!

Listen, we are guests in this house.

- Oh, my gosh.

Who are you, admiral von puss?

- No.

- Ray, can't you see?

I'm just trying to make a point here?

Listen, you could help me. It could be fun.

Come on, we never do anything together anymore.

- You are sick.

- If I am sick,

It's because your family made me that way.

- Well.

[chuckles, scoffs]

We made you that way.

I'm sorry that's how you feel.

- Oh--puh! Where are you going?

- I'm going to sleep elsewhere, okay?

I wouldn't want to make you sick.

- Good night, admiral.

- Hey, robert...

Robert...

Robert.

[grunts]

- Oh, raymond.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. It's just a reflex.

- I think I know why your marriage broke up.

- What are you doing down here?

- I need a place to sleep.

Deborah...

She's got the kids in the bed.

- Go sleep on the couch.

- I can't.

Dad's still tearing apart the living room

Looking for the remote control.

Come on. It's just one more night.

Just... Move over.

- All right, but no noise.

Got an early shift.

- Yeah.

Hey, could you, uh...

Put a shirt on?

And some underpants?

- Excuse me.

I believe this is my bed.

- All right, but come on.

A guy gets in bed with you,

You put some pants on.

- I will not.

You don't wanna sleep with me,

Go back to your wife.

- I'm not gonna be able to sleep...

Ever.

- So, everybody has to do what raymond wants, right?

New sheets for raymond.

Brownies for raymond.

Can't sleep naked around raymond.

You know what you are?

Intrusive.

- What?

You're calling me that?

You're calling me that?

You're calling me that?

- Intrusive.

You!

Intrusive!

You know what? Debra was right.

Think this is intrusive?

[chuckles] okay.

- Where ya going?

- Upstairs. Don't get up.

- You are so uptight.

- [chuckles]

- Ah!

Holy crapping crap!

What the hell happened here?

- Oh, yeah. I wanted to tell ya.

I tried to fix that. It was too loose.

- It was never this frigging loose.

- I'm sorry, dad.

I was just-- just trying to help.

- You wanna help me? Find my remote.

- I don't understand

Why you would use bleach on these towels.

- They--they just seemed a little yellowy.

- Yes. They're yellow towels!

My whole bathroom is yellow.

It's my theme.

- Oh.

- What did you do with the door?

- Why is it always me?

Why don't you ask your son there: Mr. Fix-it!

- Hey, I'm just trying to help.

- Ma, where are all the towels?

Oh, hi.

- You are a little too free with the body.

- When are they leaving?

- See? Yellow.

- Ma, ma, towel, please?

- No. This doesn't go with--here.

- Thanks.

- Look what you're doing to us.

- What? What are we doing? We're--we're just helping.

- Yeah, I mean, you seem to have so much to do,

We just wanted to pitch in.

- Why? Is this annoying to you?

- Is it bothering you? - Are we intrusive?

- Because we don't mean to be.

We're just trying to help you the way you help us.

- Oh.

I see what they're doing.

Are you trying to repay us

For everything we do for you?

- Well--

- Well, but you see, dear,

When we help you, we're actually helping.

- What?

- But don't worry. No, no. I'm not mad.

I can't be mad at you

If you don't know what you're doing.

- You know what, mom?

Maybe you haven't spent enough time

Showing them how to do things.

- Hey, robert--

- No, no. I say when that tent comes down,

Ma's over there showing you how to do the laundry.

- Why don't you go complete the outfit

And go put on the toilet seat cover?

- And maybe dad could teach ray how to fix stuff.

- That's true.

You don't know a monkey wrench

From a monkey's ass, do you, son?

- No.

- Hey, they're taking the tent off!

- Oh, we can start right now.

I'll go get my cleaning supplies

And we'll make you a starter kit.

- I'll get some tools, hammerhead.

- Hey, ray.

- [yelps]

- Raymond.

It was-- it was raymond!

I knew he really didn't want to sleep with me.