Original subtitles

Fresh leaf pile, $1 jump.

You won't find a cheaper leap anywhere.

That's a great pile, Mr. Jay, but I think my jumping days are behind me.

A pile of leaves was fun when I was a child,

but now it would literally break every bone in my body.

And as a son of a landscaper,

jumping into a pile of leaves is worse than stealing, so...

Well, I say fah to you fuddy-duddies.

I'm going to live forever.

Cannonball!

Oh!

Oh, I can feel the joy of childhood throbbing up my spine.

Well, that's all I needed to hear.

- Gregory, give the man a dollar. - Ah.

Cowabunga!

Why do I never remember my tailbone until it's too late?

I'ma go get an ice pack.

- Make it a double, my good sir. - Yeah!

Once the pain dulls, it's actually kind of fun in here.

I know, right?

Janine, Janine, you know my rule. Don't tickle or I'll puke.

- I'm not tickling you. - Huh?

What-- Do you smell that? Why does it smell like...

Tariq's cologne?

No! No!

Jacob, help me!

Jacob, wait, don't leave me!

I don't want to see any counting.

Smiles or stank faces only.

Let's go again.

Last practice before tomorrow's big show.

We win that, these kids fly to Disneyland and meet Mickey Mouse.

Ever heard of him?

With stakes this high, I had to pull the kids out of class today to prepare.

The teachers understand.

No, we don't understand.

It flies in the face of our Real Grades Initiative.

Nevaeh, Nadia, and Iliana are all missing history tests today, okay?

It's not like I get to pull kids out for podcast tournaments.

Don't make things up, Jacob.

It weakens our argument.

Ava, have you got my parking pass for tomorrow?

Thanks so much for volunteering. It should be easy.

They'll probably just have you showing people to their seats or something.

Oh, don't even mention it.

What I'm really excited about is seeing our students stomp their way to the top.

We gonna tear those other schools up, ain't that right?

Come on now, Principal Coleman asked you a question.

All right, grab some water.

Not exactly giving fierce, are they?

They think no one believes in them

just because of the weeks I didn't believe in them.

Oh, I think it's just pre-show jitters.

You know what you need?

You need a bottomless well of untethered positivity.

Now, if there's one young lady that describes, it's--

Dora the Explorer.

That girl gets robbed and robbed and still be trying to solve the case.

- I'm talking about Janine. - Janine who?

Gregory, you are now the lucky owner of a reservation at Disorto tomorrow at 5:00.

Oh, and they need to flip the table by 6:45, so don't dawdle popping the q.

Melissa, that is perfect. She'll never see it coming.

- I owe you. - Yeah, you do.

Oh, and FYI, I told Luigi

that you were going to get the prix fixe and a bottle of champagne,

so it might set you back like half a grand.

Oh. Oh.

Okay, um, yeah. You--

That's fine.

If I'm gonna get engaged at Philadelphia's nicest Italian bistro,

I should probably get something other than buttered noodles.

I can't believe a woman's maybe gonna marry you.

Gregory. Why are you glowing?

- Did you-- - He's...

- He's just in... - Oh, I'm...

- Did you, um... - Feeling, um... especially...

- I... I mean... - You both know.

Oh, thank God.

He's gonna do it tomorrow night at Disorto.

Oh, God.

Tiramisu and a ring on our lady's finger.

God, I wish I could be there,

but podcast club is covering the dance competition for our first live stream.

Although I could see maybe--

- J-Jacob. - Yeah.

You're not invited.

That is the meanest thing you could have said to me.

Carter has three bags, but there are two apples in each bag.

- Amir and Elle both take one-- - What you doing?

Teaching.

So the final dance competition is tomorrow,

and I know you don't know nothing about step, but--

Okay, I started the step team before you stole it from me.

Anyway, the step team's been getting a little nervous building up to this,

so they could use some of your...

Dazzling choreography.

Toxic positivity.

Oh, well, I mean, I would love to help you, Ava,

but it's just I've been trying to keep my weekends open, you know,

waiting for something big to happen with me and Gregory any day now.

Y'all haven't had sex yet?

Ava.

All right, listen, because I'm only gonna say this once and then never again.

The team needs you and...

I need you.

Stop smiling.

Ava, if you need me, then I will help you.

- I'm dead serious. Stop smiling right now. - I can't.

You know what?

I take it back. I don't want your help.

It's too late, I'm helping.

All right, guys, grab a book.

- Hey. - Hey.

Have you heard the news?

Yeah, apparently, Ava is desperate for my help.

Yeah, she needs the old princess of pep to pep the step of the step team.

And those are the words that she used?

Verbatim. Yes. So I'm going to go to the competition tomorrow.

Unless you have any plans for-- for us?

- Me? - Yeah.

N-- Uh...

- No. Let me see... - Do you have anything up there?

- No. - No.

I can't think of anything that's, like, huge or anything like that.

Um... Well, it sounds like they really need you there.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah?

Well, then maybe I'll come too.

I think that's probably the best way to spend tomorrow, right?

Right.

Cool.

Hello, I'm Barbara Howard volunteering as an usher.

And you should have a samesies listed under Tariq Temple.

Please tell me the Tariq behind me is a white Tariq.

A white Tariq. That's impossible,

unless...

Tariq, what could you possibly be doing here?

Are you kidding? I'm a big-time volunteer. Nobody pays me to do nothing.

So I brought orange slices for warm-up.

I got cupcakes for when they win, and I emailed the whole PTA list

so everybody shows up for the gorls and Kavon.

Look, I even got on the Usher shirt so everybody know what's up.

Okay, team, before we get a lay of the land,

I want to capture the ambient noise while it's still fresh.

Um...

If I could get everyone's attention. Uh, my name is Jacob Hill.

I'm the head of the podcast club at Abbott Elementary.

We are going to be live streaming the competition,

so if I could just get complete silence for 90 seconds while we capture room tone.

Okay, starting now.

What's up, Jacob?

Jacob.

- Jacob. - Starting...

Jacob,

it's Tariq.

- Starting now. Okay. - Jacob!

Uh, Mr. Johnson, what is all this stuff?

The dance mom's first aid kit.

Bobby pins, berets, blush.

We look good, but so do those other teams. Hit 'em with a pop of pep.

Okay.

All right, team.

Okay, so let's just do a half-speed walkthrough,

and remember, nobody's perfect, right?

But there is no one better to be than yourselves.

Now let's have some fun.

Disgusting. Keep going.

Okay, five, six, seven, eight.

Ow!

Oh!

Are you okay? You need a beret?

Okay, Nevaeh, just slow and steady.

No, walk normal.

Do you think you could just grin and bear it?

Or just bear it? We don't need the grin.

It's really starting to hurt.

Now what? We just lost our best dancer.

And we are live with the Abbott step team.

Can we get a sound bite for our tens of viewers?

- No, uh-uh, no interviews. - Oh, no, you can't censor the press, Ava.

Of course I can. This is America.

Wait, what-- what's going on with Nevaeh?

- Uh, nothing. - Nothing.

Her moves are so hot we have to cool her feet down. So, all right.

- Cool her feet down? - Go on then. Real disco inferno. Okay.

There is a massive cover-up happening on the other side of that door, chat.

This is our Watergate.

S-Step gate.

Uh, ankle gate, Nevaeh gate, Heaven's Gate.

- W-We'll workshop it. - Yeah.

- Hello. Please... - Welcome in, brother.

I like the way you sit down right thurr.

Oh, and y'all too,

I'ma have you go ahead, take a seat right thurr.

Tariq?

Huh?

Could you be a bit quieter and normaler just for a few minutes?

Well, Barb, you have your methods, and I have "mer" methods.

Speaking of methods, where are all the Abbott people?

You said you were going to do an email blast to the PTA.

Aw, you listened.

Come on, let me check on that.

Oh. Well, it looks like I accidentally emailed the wrong PTA.

This went to Paul Thomas Anderson by mistake.

The one married to Maya Angelou?

How do you have his email?

It's just one question after another with you, isn't it?

All right, and there we go.

Emailed the school PTA.

I hope they get here in time.

Oh, welcome. Here you--

- We want the one singing Chingy. - Oh, I know that's right.

Come on down. I'ma have you scooch down right thurr.

So now that we're not going to make it, I need to try to move the reservation.

Oh, good luck, pal.

Disorto is more booked than a library.

I mean, it's not till 5:00. You don't think you can make it?

The competition lasts all day.

All day?

Man, the freaking Super Bowl only lasts four hours.

So now there is no one here to support our team.

And you know, I hate to point fingers, but this is all your fault.

They're not open yet. Did they mention anything about a cancelation fee?

No.

Hey, uh, why don't we, you know, space it out a little bit here?

Hello?

Nah.

Listen, kid, open seats abound.

You can have your pick, just not that one.

I like this seat. It looks like it has the best sound.

Well, I'm pretty sure that the acoustics are just as good one seat over.

You should sit there then.

I'm not moving a GD inch.

Cool.

We have that in common then.

I think it's your ankle that's the problem.

Okay, sunshine, dial the UV up to 12 because it's getting gloomy.

Oh, I-I think I have Oh, the Places You'll Go! memorized.

Yeah, it's, um... Uh, what is it?

"Congratulations... feet in shoes?" You know what? No, I can't risk it.

I'm just gonna improvise off my most inspirational material.

Perfect. And during that time, and that time only, I've got your back.

Okay.

Um... Hey, guys, I know that we're all sad about Nevaeh...

Right, because it's sad.

Well, yeah. Um...

But the rest of you, you've gotta go out there

and you gotta dance like no one's watching.

Right, 'cause no one's here.

Not... Not that, not that.

Look, we may be down, but it is mind over matter.

Nothing matters.

- Exactly. - Ava. No.

All right. Uh...

Oh! Did somebody say blast off?

Because you have got to shoot for the moon,

'cause even if you miss, you will land amongst the stars.

Yeah, 'cause stars make you invincible.

Yeah, actually, yeah, but even against blue shells.

You can knock other racers off the course too.

Yep, and you get a speed boost.

You know what?

Screw the moon

- and shoot for the star. - And shoot for the star!

Yes, I love that.

It's great, guys.

Hold up, where's Nevaeh?

Nevaeh, would you say private equity's growing presence in youth sports

is responsible for your ankle injury?

100% agree.

That's a damning accusation for one of step's rising stars.

Don't say damning.

Oh! Nevaeh, what did we tell you about speaking to people with podcast equipment?

Jacob, are you exploiting a young woman's pain for clicks?

No, no, no, no, but you should really see these numbers.

- Come on. Disappointed. - Okay.

- No comment. - Stay on them.

Pronto, Disorto.

Uh, yes, yeah, hi, hi.

I need to, um, change a reservation for tonight.

Sorry, I don't-- I don't speak Italian.

Uh...

Hey, it's me, Gregorio.

Uh, my "reservatione" is...

He-Hello?

Damn.

Lady, there aren't assigned seats. I can sit whatever I want.

Let me ask you a question.

When there's only one other guy at the urinals,

do you pick the one right next to the guy?

Every time.

What the hell's wrong with you?

A lot, maybe.

Move.

Nah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Principal Coleman, are more Abbott people coming to watch?

Oh! They're coming in right now.

Where the hell is everybody?

I don't know, but I am gonna maybe find out.

I'll be back.

Okay, steppers, let's go.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, have you guys seen any Abbott people?

I mean, where are our supporters?

People should be rolling in any minute

and they may or may not have the director of Boogie Nights with them.

Okay, well, I hope they hurry. I mean, Abbott's almost up.

Well, we'll just have to stall the competition.

Oh, yes, yes, I'm great at making distractions, y'all.

Let me go up there and sing the national anthem.

- Tariq, that is a terrible idea. - Yes.

I'll sing the national anthem.

- Oh. Um... - Uh...

All right, before moving on with the competition,

a quick word of thanks to our sponsors.

Yes, but never any thanks for the troops. How typical.

Mrs. Howard and Nick's dad are charging the stage.

It looks like they're stalling.

Yeah, and he's not just Nick's dad, he's Tariq Temple.

Let me jog your memory.

♪ Abbott on Abbott on Abbott That booty big... ♪

- No, no, no, that's not a part of this. - Breaking, Mr. C just tried to rap.

It's anarchy here, chat.

All right, y'all, before we continue,

let's go ahead and rise for the singing of our national anthem.

She goes to my church.

♪ Oh, say, can you see ♪

Ooh.

I forgot the words.

Take your time, sister Howard.

- Just pivot. Pivot. - Pivot?

♪ Left a good job in the city ♪

Remix.

♪ Working for the man Every night and day ♪

Hustling, y'all.

♪ But I nev-- ♪

- ♪ I like the way you do it right there ♪ - ♪ Right there ♪

♪ Swish your hips when you're walking Let down your hurr ♪

♪ Down your hurr ♪

♪ And here come The Abbott parents right thurr ♪

♪ I like the way you do it right there ♪

♪ Right there... ♪

Okay, what are you getting out of this, huh?

Honestly, is this fun for you, you sick bastard?

- Dang, you sound so mad right now. - Oh, oh, oh...

♪ I like the way you do it right there... ♪

Melissa, can you please help me with this reservation?

They only speak Italian.

Fine, but you got to get rid of this punk,

and I don't care how you do it, but make it hurt.

Okay.

♪ I like the way you do it right there... ♪

All right, kid, I'll give you, uh, let's see, $15 if you move.

Do you have Cash App?

♪ I like the way you do it right there ♪

♪ Right there ♪

♪ Swish your hips When you're walking ♪

♪ That make me sturr... ♪

Okay, how about this?

Move before I drop-kick you across the auditorium.

♪ I like the way you do it right there ♪

Bruh.

Luigi, come on, you got to quit with the fake Italian bit, man.

I know it's funny, but it's not nice.

Come on, I work with the guy.

Okay, everybody's starting to show up.

All right, this is it.

Once Mrs. Howard collapses out there, you're up.

Okay, let's get this out of the way.

Exactly. Wait, what?

We're not winning this.

Our best stepper's hurt, and that other team had sparklers.

We'll just go out there and have fun like Ms. T says.

Wait, wait, listen, you guys have worked so hard and you're doing so well.

Yeah. What...

You know what, guys, let's just get out there

and show everyone what Abbott step is all about.

You got this, the moon and the stars are all--

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

This isn't what they need right now.

This isn't some dance competition.

This is war.

Ava, he's right.

They need you.

I'll back you up.

Aight, listen, those people out there,

they didn't come here to watch you get this over with.

Yep. No, they did not.

They came here to watch you slaughter the competition...

Oh, um...

...to watch them beg for mercy and to watch you give them none.

- Okay. - Now get out there

and step on the competition's throats...

- Christ. - ...because we came to win.

- We came to what? - Win!

- We came to what? - Win!

Let's do this!

Yeah!

♪ Be there ♪

Thank you, thank you. I have been Barbara Howard and we are--

Great. The Abbott step team, y'all.

You know, we make a great team, Barb.

Just this once, I agree.

We saved the day.

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sorry, I thought I felt a spark just now. It wasn't...

I am a married woman.

I know, that's why I was prepared to have a man-to-man conversation

with Gerald about this.

Oh! Don't you have a girlfriend?

That's not enough.

Ooh!

And now, this year's first-place champions

and winners of an all-expense-paid trip

to Disneyland Resort in Southern California...

Abbott Elementary!

Chat, we are live at the epicenter of a miracle,

the underdog story of the millennium.

Ava. Coach Ava, do you have anything you want to say

to our hundreds-- yes, hundreds of viewers?

This was a team effort, and if I hadn't put this team together, they'd be nowhere.

We're going to Disneyland!

Are you even tall enough to ride anything?

We're gonna find out!

- Wait! - Okay.

Man, that bambino can talk.

Oh, crap, did I miss it?

We won, though, right?

Yeah. How'd you know?

Our team has rhythm. The others are white. It's pretty straightforward.

And they're not the only winners. I got your reservation.

Best table in the house.

You got to wait for the first Saturday in December, though.

- You're welcome. - Melissa, thank you so much.

- Yeah. - Gregory.

We're going to Disneyland.

- Wait, we? - Yes, we're chaperoning.

First weekend in December, so don't make any plans.

Oh, I've never been to California. I'm so excited.

Please pinch me.

- Gregory, I said pinch me. - Huh?

Oh, you love me too much. That's okay. I'll get Jacob to do it. Jacob, pinch me!

- Jacob! - It's okay.

The reservation's under my name.

I will take it off your hands. Okay.

- Melissa, we're going to Disneyland. - Uh...

Well, what are you gonna do? We plan, Mickey laughs.

So when you say all expenses paid, just to be clear,

- you guys are covering the flights? - Yep.

- Hotels? Per diems? Park entry? - Uh-huh. Correct. Of course.

And not just the girl with the rolled ankle. I'm talking everybody.

- The whole team. - And the chaperones?

- Yes, ma'am. - How about the return flights?

- You guys covering those as well? - Yes.

We not gonna get out there and have to figure out our own way back?

Return flights are covered.

Okay, good, 'cause we don't got it.

Then you don't have to have it.

No, no haves.

We don't got it.

- Heard. - We don't.

- Got it. - Got it. Yep.

Yeah.