Original subtitles

Previously on Best Medicine...

Who am I to interfere?

If you don't want to interfere,

why did you renovate this entire office,

tell me that I have to dress like a dental hygienist?

-Michaud. -You can call me Savannah.

Your fox did give six of our townspeople the plague.

Yeah, well, you should admit that you actually care

about whoever it is that you care about.

You should pursue a therapy degree while you're in jail.

-What's this? -I found the love letter.

-Wasn't for you. -It was just always Louisa.

-Oh, come on! -Whoa, what's the rush?

Well, Martin and I, we are done.

Eden, you are an 11.

-Doc! Hey. -Morning, Mark.

Morning. Hey, so, funny thing happened a couple nights ago.

Well, not funny ha-ha. More like funny not-ha.

-Got it. -Like, unexpected.

Like, I didn't expect it.

Yeah, Mark, I know what unexpected means.

Like, I...

I was...

And then...

Mark, spit it out.

There's this kid who used to live

on my block named Rex who had six fingers.

-Can you imagine that? -No.

It was like, we'd play, like, Capture the Flag.

"Where you at, Rex?" And he'd be like, "Here."

What was that? Yeah, I'll be right there.

I gotta go, Doc. Police business.

Mark, you just made that sound with your mouth.

-No, Doc! -What are you doing?

-He's holding me up. -Who are you talking to?

-You know, I just... -Who are you talking to?

Uh-huh.

Wanna go to the Salty Breeze?

-Yes. -Okay.

An omelet for Mr. Franklin and yogurt for the young lady.

I just love the flowers you have out.

You guys sprucing up for something?

Yes. We're zhuzhing things up because we got an anonymous tip

that Carson Macleish is coming.

Who's Carson Macleish?

Just the most important food critic at The New York Times.

-Fancy schmancy. -Ooh!

Tell us what he looks like, and we'll look out for him.

That's the thing. No one knows.

He lets you know he's coming, so you're on top of your game,

but he doesn't want you to know who he is

so you don't treat him any different.

He could be here right now.

Oh...

Uh, we know everyone who's here.

Well, maybe not now.

Oh!

George is a little tense.

Hey, just came to check on my guy. How's he doing?

Oh, not good.

You think breaking up with she-who-shall-not-be-named

-has got him down? -I don't know,

but he almost bit off my head this morning

when I told him that Parker brought in homemade cruffins.

-Oh. -Wait, did you hear?

-What? -I got an agent.

Oh, that's great!

I don't know. Somebody just emailed me back.

-She wants to represent me. -Wow! From New York?

New Hampshire. She's sending me an audition today.

Well, that's wonderful... Hey, now.

Watch the toes there, boys.

Well, I see you've wasted no time.

Like she was never here.

And look!

Well, you will not find me crying

into my coffee mug, either.

As long as he's okay.

And how long has your back been bothering you, Miss...

I'm not giving you my name.

All right.

Uh, you won't be able to file for insurance unless...

I'll pay out of pocket.

Okay, then. And your back, how long has it been...

I had a stroke three months ago,

although I'm not sure what business that is of yours.

Just that I'm a doctor and you came to see me.

I came here to get a shot of cortisone.

Dear God, I had a stroke.

I lost use of my whole left side.

Some idiot physical therapist named Gretchen

got my movement partially restored.

I returned to work, and my back seized up.

And what is your line of work?

None of your beeswax, Doctor.

Fine. I'll put "Secret Agent 008."

Does that work?

I am a person with cash here for your services.

I just want a shot of cortisone. Good Lord.

These small-town doctors are just glorified veterinarians.

Mm-hmm. And what does that make you?

Ow!

Not amusing.

-I thought it was. -Shut up.

The next time I spend $200 on a cortisone shot,

it won't be for a quack like you.

It was truly not a pleasure,

and please let the door hit you on the way out.

Keep rolling.

Okay. Okay.

Martin.

What the heck was that all about?

No idea, but it was her fault.

-What do you want? -Nothing, just checking on you.

Oh, that's delicious.

No, it's not.

Just wanna make sure you were okay.

-I'm fine. Why should I care? -Oh, you don't care?

No, none of my business.

It's none of your business that you and Eden broke up?

Oh, I... I thought you meant Louisa and, uh...

Oh. Oh!

Oh, I see. We're back there again.

That doesn't bother you?

No, not at all. I'm fine. Yeah. Never better, actually.

Why didn't you come see me sooner?

-Well, the new homeopath lady... -What new homeopath lady?

Said a candle would burn all the wax right out.

Well, it almost burned off half your ear.

That's true. But she also says she could cure my bloating.

I can too. Stop eating dairy. You're lactose intolerant.

-But I love cheese. -You're ridiculous.

I can still hear, you know.

Why are you scribbling? There's nothing to scribble.

-He is ridiculous. -Still hearing.

Are you... is this going in my permanent record?

Next knucklehead.

-Where is everyone? -You actually don't wanna know.

What's the matter, Quincy? Your gout acting up?

Oh, yeah, but that's not why I'm here.

Last night, the nature lady told me

to drink a quart of tart cherry juice

and to resolve my issues with my daughter-in-law.

Mm. My stomach is killing me.

Who is this nature lady,

and why would anyone go to her and not me?

-Gee, Doc, can't imagine. -Actually, you... you know her.

I do?

Well, I didn't know how to tell you.

Oh, no, Irma.

At first it was fun, all the one-night stands

and one-day stands and one-car stands.

Those can get pretty rough on your back.

Maybe you need a different kind of girl, Mark.

That's what my mom says.

"A nice quality girl you could settle down with,

Marky, who lives close."

No more driving 50 miles for a cup of coffee.

I'm sure you can rig it on the app.

I did, I did. I just haven't found the one that...

Wait.

Hey, she's cute, and really close.

And I like that jumpsuit.

I feel like I know her.

Hey, maybe that's how it's supposed to feel,

like you already know each other.

-Oh, my. -What?

-Uh, Savannah? -Yeah?

Hi, Sheriff.

Hi.

The idiot who smuggled animals into the country

and gave us all bubonic plague?

-That's the one. -Doc, we got a problem.

I've got a cold. I'm all foggy.

I can't think. You've gotta help.

And we have a major food critic coming.

So what do you want me to do about it?

What's the best cold remedy? You gotta clear my head.

-Rest, fluids, time. -Don't have time!

I've been working for this my entire life.

A New York Times food critic coming to eat my food.

Can you think of anything else?

Abracadabra...

Poof!

There. You feel better now?

Now, Quincy, if anyone drank a quart of tart cherry juice,

it would give them a stomachache, okay?

Now, take an antacid, and if it's not better

in a few hours, come back and see me.

-Might I offer a suggestion? -No.

-I mean, for your benefit. -No.

You're a good doctor.

I don't need you to tell me that.

-But not a good listener. -Neither are you.

I just said I don't wanna hear it.

Sometimes all they need is to be heard.

-And comforted. -That's not my job.

And yours isn't to lecture me on bedside manners.

It's to monitor medical malfeasance.

So if it's okay with you,

I'm gonna go stop an ex-con lunatic from killing our town.

Cheerio.

Hey, what's wrong, Eeyore?

Get kicked out of the Garden of Eden?

-Glendon. -Eeyore.

You start your chemo yet?

Uh, no. Not yet. I mean...

Why not?

Well, it's none of your business.

Don't tell me you're as stupid as everyone else in this town.

I've been busy. I've got a lot to do.

You're not busy. You have testicular cancer.

Stop being a nitwit and start your treatment.

You're the one who needs treatment, Eeyore.

You know, Eden's better off without you.

Jeez.

Unbelievable.

Hey! Buddy, yes, okay, I'm happy I ran into you, 'cause I...

I need to tell you the thing that I was trying to tell you

that I couldn't tell you.

So...

Okay. So...

I... Okay. See, I...

-I... See... -Why don't you tell me

when your brain returns to your head, all right?

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, hey, Martin. You here for a trim?

I'm here for the quack in the back.

Hey! You gotta get in line if...

if you wanna talk to the quack in the back.

And my stepmother never hugged me.

Never told me she loved me.

I've basically been alone my whole life.

That's horrible.

-I hear you. -I know.

-You. -Hey, get out! This is private!

Well, your pathetic little shot didn't do anything.

Yeah, it takes time.

Close those and wait your turn.

-Why aren't you in jail? -I did my time,

and I did as you suggested.

I studied, I took classes, and I got my degree.

In what? Quackery?

Naturopathy. I'm an N.D.

As in "not a doctor"?

Well, there's a whole line of people out there

who would beg to differ.

A line a lot longer than yours,

because she's an enlightened soul who cares.

Well, I just saw two of her patients,

and one of them nearly burnt his ear off.

Then he didn't do what I said!

Keep the poultice on and write down every demeaning thing

that monster said to you.

-The pain will release. -Yeah. Write down everything.

Mm-hmm. This is such a con.

I mean, why do you keep running scams in our town?

-It's not a scam. -Oh.

I want to make amends, and if I can offer something...

-Yeah, like fairy pollen? -Like listening and caring.

Which she does and you don't.

Yeah, because I'm an honest doctor, and she's a charlatan.

-Okay. -You can either leave town,

or I'm gonna call the sheriff.

-Oh. -Listen, you dunderhead.

What can I say, Doc?

I'm a natural-born healer.

It's a miracle!

I mean, it makes no sense. You don't have a stroke

and then walk three months later.

Well, maybe it was the shot that you gave her.

A steroid cannot reverse a stroke.

Okay, so maybe she just got better.

No, I'm telling you, they're running a scam.

Like, Savannah pretends she's a healer.

The woman pretends she can't walk

and then Savannah cures her,

and they all buy her tinctures and crystals.

So how would you prove that?

Well, I need to properly examine her

to prove she's a fake.

-Doc. -What?

You just took my blood with no problem at all.

Oh.

-I did. -I mean,

do you think maybe you're...

over it?

Maybe. Good.

Now we can get rid of that cruffin-baking pest, huh?

He's not that bad.

-Oh, you like him? -No, I just... You know,

he did a good Professor Plum while we were playing Clue.

You played Clue with the man who reports on me

-to the Maine Medical Board? -Just once.

Yeah, it's a conflict of interest.

What was I supposed to do? He's my roommate's boyfriend.

Boyfriend...

I am so sorry.

Savannah put me on a carrot juice diet.

I mean, what do I... what do I do now?

-Hey, Sheriff Mark. -Hey, bud, what's up?

Can I ask you a question?

Not if I ask you first.

How do you ask out a girl?

Whoa! Have you come to the right man.

In fact, I was just thinking about it.

-Really? -Yeah, I was debating

if I should use Great-Uncle Alfonso's technique.

-What's that? -Okay,

so Great-Uncle Alfonso said

that when you first start talking to a girl,

never look her straight in the eye.

-Why? -'Cause it creates mystery.

She senses something special's about to happen, right?

But she's just not sure what.

Then where do you look?

You look just above her eye.

Like, right at her hairline.

And then when she's off-kilter, you come in open and honest,

and you say exactly what's in your heart.

Exactly what's in your heart?

You know what?

I'll show you. Okay? Come with me.

Can we take your car and use the sirens?

Mmm... nah.

It's not too far. Let's just get our steps in.

Give me that!

Would you like some bread sticks, Carson Macleish?

-Huh? -I know you're Carson.

Our chef isn't feeling well.

Could you come back another time?

My name is Bob.

Oh.

What can I get ya?

Wait, wait, wait. Um, so, hold on.

-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. -So you actually thought

that the moon just got bigger and smaller each month?

Uh, I mean, I... It... I was ten, okay?

Still, that's...

Oh, you've never thought anything stupid?

Um, well, I mean, not unless you think

that believing in the Tooth Fairy till you're 35 is stupid.

-Did you really? -Mm-hmm.

Wow, that is so crazy. I mean, it...

-It makes no sense. -Must be driving Martin nuts.

Well, everything drives Martin nuts.

-Um, what do you mean? -He's such a grump!

-Hmm. -Honestly, I can't tell if

it's social awkwardness or he's just good old-fashioned mean.

Awkward. You know, he's sweet underneath.

I'll take your word for it. Sure wasn't sweet as a teacher.

Wait, what?

Oh, he was my teacher in med school,

uh, what, ten years ago?

Um, why didn't you tell me?

I don't know. I just guess it never came up.

Did you tell him?

I mean, I just kept waiting for him to recognize me.

-Oh. -Honestly, I'm not surprised.

He... he... I doubt he would have recognized me back then.

He never knew any of our names.

I mean, God forbid you made a mistake, it was...

Wow. So, um, wait, did... did you come here to, um...

I mean, this isn't gonna affect your...

-My review? -Yeah.

No. No, of course not.

Yeah.

Do you think Savannah could get rid of my headaches?

-And my eczema? -And my arthritis?

Why not? She made me walk.

Don't eat that... Carson.

-What? -I know you're Carson.

Please come back tomorrow.

My name is Fred.

You have your own miracle worker right here in Port Wenn.

Each of you must see her.

Of course you would say that.

Can you squat?

-Like a catcher. -Mm-hmm.

Now, push your leg against my hand now.

You should go see her too, Doctor.

Perhaps she could cure your dreadful personality.

Well, she hasn't cured yours.

Mm-mm. I knew it. There's no way you could have limb strength

like that three months after a stroke,

no matter what nonsense she rubbed on you.

You and Savannah are running a scam.

You couldn't be more wrong, Dr. Quackenbush.

Then give me the number of your doctor

so I can talk to them about your "stroke."

-I can't. -Why not?

-He's on a trek in the Andes. -Ha!

I'm calling the sheriff right now.

Wait! Get back here!

Georgie! The food critic's here at the bar!

I saw "CM" monogrammed on his sleeve.

It's definitely him.

What...

-Oh, Lord. -What?

-Sweet Lord. -What?

I can't taste anything.

Oh, no.

Wearing this to audition, is it too much?

No. Shows commitment.

Good. It's my first time, so I wanna make an impression.

All right.

And...

Other crayons are fun,

but only Playtime Pastels glow in the dark

and show up even when the lights are off.

-Nailing it. -The only thing more fun than

a Playtime Pastel is a Playtime Pastel

with a special friend.

Sorry, um...

"Where you can highlight your fun zones

for your playmate to see."

"And in places where they can't."

-Oh. Um, Elaine, I, um... -What?

I think these might be adult crayons,

like, um, for sex.

What? No.

"With colors like Big Banana, Red Hot Mama, and Tickled Pink."

Oh, my God, these are sex crayons!

What kind of an audition is this?

What in the hell is going on here?

Nothing! Parker's just...

helping me with an audition.

And you're monitoring me?

Well, you didn't have any patients, so...

Dr. Best.

-It's fun zones. -Yeah.

-That's what does it. -I'll be right back.

I have to go. Elaine, take off the crayon costume...

words that should never have to come out of my mouth...

and stop fraternizing with the enemy.

-The enemy? Me? I was just... -And no more cruffins!

Do you wanna just take it from the top?

-Yeah. -Okay, great.

Hey.

You know the Finnish lawn game Mölkky?

I'm starting a league.

-Wanna join? -Clark! Stop being weird.

Hi, welcome to the Salty Breeze.

You're gonna have the best meal you've ever had in your life.

-Amazing. -We want you to be as happy

-as humanly possible. -Okay. It's a little much.

The thing is, this is our pre-dinner post-prandial pause.

Our kitchen's closed.

Would you care for another cocktail while you wait?

-Sure. -On the house.

Even better.

Whatever he wants.

-Where's George? -Dr. Best!

One of our biggest fans. He eats here every day.

Could you... could you... Martin...

-You gotta help, Doc. Now. -What happened?

I can't taste, like, anything! My mouth is numb.

-Numb? -Tingly. Numb. Weird. Numb!

And the food critic is at the bar waiting to be served.

I cannot serve food I haven't tasted, Doc. I cannot.

-Take it easy. -Don't tell us to take it easy!

It sounds like an allergic reaction.

Did you eat anything unusual?

-No! -The tincture from Savannah.

Please tell me you're joking.

We were desperate. You wouldn't help.

-I have a cold! -And she has a criminal record.

-Just show me the tincture. -Here.

No ingredients, brilliant. This woman's a menace!

So, what do we do?

It'll wear off eventually.

Eventually? He's at the bar!

You're not listening to us!

Okay, fine. I'll go find out what's in it.

Maybe something can counteract it.

Actually, I have an idea.

-What is it? -Ooh.

You'll think it's bad, but it's good.

This is gonna be bad.

You, Ronnie.

Get a haircut now, or you're out. Come on.

Oh, hi, Mark. Are you here for a touch-up?

Nope, actually here to see...

I just unlocked your body's natural healing instinct.

I really felt it.

-Yeah? -Thank you.

-Of course. Of course. -Yes. Thank you.

All right, who's next?

Uh, actually, I just need you for a minute.

No! No. No. I told you, Sheriff, I...

I take my time.

Savannah...

Sorry, is there something on my forehead?

You're really smart and really cute.

You did kind of freak me out a little bit last year

when you gave us all the bubonic plague,

but you're mature, and you wanna make amends.

I really dig that.

Do you wanna get ice cream with me sometime?

Yes.

I would love to.

Great!

Great.

Thank you.

Mark, I don't know why, as our only law enforcement officer,

you don't feel the need to pick up the phone,

but Savannah and the person she made walk

-are committing fraud, so I... -Martin? Martin!

I've been looking for you. Hi. Um...

-Hi. -I have something to tell you.

It's, uh... it's about Parker.

Um, um, it's kinda weird, so I...

Yes, it is.

-You... you know? -Yes, I...

-That he was your student? -Wait, what? What?

In med school. I... I just found out.

Parker was a student of mine?

-Why didn't he tell me? -Um, I'm...

not sure, so...

-Wh... why are you telling me? -Well, I just...

I just wanted you to have all the facts, so.

Goodbye. Yeah.

Wait, wait. What facts?

What did he say about me back then?

-Nothing. Nothing. -No, tell me.

I want the, uh... feedback.

Well, um, they said that you were...

Okay, this is him talking, not me.

-No, I know, I know, I know. -Um...

They said you were, um...

not a good listener.

Uh, hard to talk to.

Didn't enjoy...

people.

Mmm. So he came here to give me a bad review?

No! No, he's going to be fair. I know that. He's a good man.

I just... I just know how important this review is

to get you off probation, and I thought if you knew this,

that when you were around him, you might try

to be a little, uh...

Nicer.

Yeah.

I saw you kiss him.

What?

By the hedge over there.

Oh.

What do you like about him?

-Martin. -No, I just...

I just wanna know. I mean, what do you like about him?

I... I don't know. I... I mean, he's, um...

I feel like I can talk to him about anything.

And, um, he has four sisters, so he's...

-good with his emotions. -Mm-hmm.

So he's easy to talk to,

he's a good listener,

and he's a people person.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Well, um...

Thanks. I'm just gonna...

Get' em, buddy. You got this.

Sorry, I'm gonna take... Sorry.

Wait, what?

Harley? Oh, no, this is gonna be brutal.

-Harley? -What?

Is there something on my forehead?

You're really smart, really cute...

-What's happening? -I don't know.

Really mature for your age.

Uh, I... I mean, my age.

What age is that? Five?

-No, nine. -Oh.

I really dig you.

Would you like to get ice cream with me sometime?

No, that's crazy.

What, you gonna bring your teddy bear?

-No, I'd leave him at home. -I'd feel like your mom.

-Age is just a number. -Facts.

What? Kid's got guts.

-Gotta give him that. -It's true.

Sorry, Tiny Tim.

But let me know when you're my height. You're funny.

Hmm. My name's Peter.

Just get in here.

The last time I had to be this hush-hush,

my cousin ended up in the East River.

Where's the other annoying guy?

Upstairs. But I need to speak to you first.

He took some meds and lost his sense of taste.

But we got Carson McLeish out there right now...

-Carson McLeish? -Shh! Ahh!

You want me to cook for

-Carson McLeish? -No, George will.

But you need to assist. Be the taster.

All you have to do is taste what he cooks

-and make sure it's great. -Wait a second.

So you admit I'm an excellent cook

with Ferrari-level taste buds

that you entrust with your entire business?

Do you want the 500 clams or not?

Lead the way, grandma.

Wait. I'm glad to see

you aren't repeating yourself anymore, Gina.

Well, what do you know?

I get away from you two ding-dongs,

and all of a sudden, poof, stress gone.

Hell no!

-We need her. -Absolutely not!

This devil woman is not about to step foot in my kitchen.

Too late, Chef Boyardee.

You're the chef, George. She's the taster.

Unless your taste has returned, we need her.

I think that was a yes.

-Well, look who it is. -Ugh.

You have got to stop doing that, okay? This is a safe space.

Yeah, more like a den of thieves.

Just tell me what you gave George.

-None of your beeswax. -Mmm. She also says "beeswax."

You're in it together. I knew it.

Many distinguished individuals say "beeswax."

Okay, for now, just tell me what you gave George

so I can stop worrying about his taste buds.

What happened to his taste buds?

You gave him something, and now he can't taste,

which is, you know, bad for a chef.

Okay.

Listen, Mr. Grumpy Pants.

I gave him over-the-counter zinc. Okay?

Maybe he took too much. It'll wear off.

Yeah, I've also got a guy who stopped taking

his gout medication and a woman who's orange.

Sooner or later, you're gonna hurt someone.

And you're her accomplice. You're both going to jail.

Oh, please.

-Come here, Dr. Demento. -Gotta go with her.

-I'm gonna tell you a secret. -Uh-huh.

You can't tell anybody. Doctor-patient confidentiality.

If you do, I'll have you arrested.

Mmm, that's not how it works. But, what?

I am Carson McLeish, the great food critic.

I need to remain anonymous for my work.

-I did have a stroke. -Mm-hmm.

I never met this woman before in my life,

and she did cure me. And...

Oh, yeah, is this part of the act?

No! No, there's no act.

No. No, no! No! I want Savannah.

She's the only one who could help.

Let's see it, Miracle Lady.

Okay. Okay.

It's life, man.

You put your heart out there,

and people step on it.

-They were laughing at me. -'Cause they're jerks.

It's not their fault, though. They're just teenagers.

I just asked her to get ice cream.

And you killed it, dude. I'm telling you.

My Great-Uncle Alfonso would've been so proud.

He would've said, "Hey, you keep putting your heart out there,

papito, no matter 'gwah.'"

Because, because, if you keep putting your heart out there,

open and honest like that, and someone steps on it,

it just gets stronger.

So when you finally hand it

to the right person at the right time,

I'm telling you, dude, she's gonna look at you in the eye...

or right above the eye...

and hand you her heart,

'cause she knows then

that you're strong enough to hold her heart.

So I guess we have to be totally honest

with the people we care about.

No matter "gwah."

Wait.

Even if it's something that might make them mad?

Yep. Even then.

No matter "gwah."

Hey. You're very smart for a nine-year-old.

Hey, you wanna get some ice cream?

-You bet! Let's go. -Yes.

I'll be right back!

Yeah, I just gotta tell the doc one thing first.

You gotta help me.

I have no idea what I did to make her walk.

You're right, okay? I'm a fraud.

I took one class in prison,

and I have no clue what the lady was talking about.

She was insane.

She kept doing this gesture, like...

-What does that mean? -No clue.

Okay, but you gotta help me before these people

turn on me like a pack of wild dogs.

Wait, so she's not in on it with you?

What? No, I've never seen her before in my life.

And her doctor was really in the Andes?

Do I look like her doctor's travel agent?

What did you put on her back?

I don't know, like, basil and oregano?

Well, whatever temporarily made her walk has obviously worn off,

and I have no idea what's going on.

Well, what do I do?

First, you go back in there and you tell everyone

you have no idea what you're doing.

Then leave Port Wenn before you seriously hurt someone.

How about I do just the "leave Port Wenn" part?

-Fine by me. -Okay. Good talk.

-High five? -Mm-hmm. Yeah. No.

-What? -Nothing.

Just thought you might wanna finish up

the conversation we started.

-Funny, I don't. -Yeah, you do.

I'm not a people person.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

I agree.

Unless you want to, you know,

be around people.

Well, maybe some people.

Hmm, like Louisa.

Is that what you want?

If it is...

I haven't been doing a very good job of it, have I?

I can confirm that.

Tell you what, let me buy you a lobster roll, huh? Come on.

I'll even let you order fries.

Hmm, my lucky day.

Now for the brown butter, lemon, and caper sauce.

Oh, it smells like a narcotic.

You wanna talk narcotics? 'Cause my cousin Joey...

Not now, Lady Scarface.

I'm just saying, he didn't know that guy was a cop.

I cannot believe that I'm saying this, but...

taste.

-Mmm! Oh, my goodness. -Really?

-Mmm! -Hmm, more lemon.

-You swear? -On my mother's monobrow.

It's a hair too sweet. You need the acid.

Oh, my gosh.

-She's right. -She better be.

Mmm!

And here we have my world-famous Scallop Grenobloise.

Wow.

Mmm.

Mmm!

Scallopy.

Uh-huh.

"Scallopy." That's not a word.

Shh. He can say whatever he likes.

He's the food critic from The New York Times.

-What? -Hmm, no, I'm not.

I'm a dentist from Bangor.

-What? -Are you friggin' kidding me?

Your monogram says "C.M." You're Carson Macleish.

Carl Mooney. My wife just gave me this for my 50th.

Then who's...

-Nope, not me. Bye now. -Oh!

Come back!

You haven't tried the Scallop Grenobloise!

Oh, I will drag her right back here.

-What's the matter? -My eyes! I can't see!

I'm going blind!

How many fingers?

Three? Two? Stop moving them around.

You. Come here.

-What color is this? -Uh, faded pink.

It's bright red. Thank you.

-You have MOGAD. -Mo-what?

You're just making up words.

-Doc, here you go. -Thanks.

MOGAD. It's an autoimmune disorder that can appear

like a stroke and cause optic nerve damage.

Why didn't my doctor in New York figure this out?

It's unbelievably rare.

I mean, I've never seen it before.

You walked because of the shot I gave you, not Savannah.

I don't understand what you're saying.

I have to live with this disorder?

Yes, but it's manageable.

I'm gonna give you a shot now

that'll get you walking and seeing.

I want your doctor in New York to call me,

and with some PT and meds, you're gonna be fine.

So you actually are Carson Macleish,

the famous food critic.

Absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Just try the scallops. Please.

The whack job can actually make a really nice dish.

I am...

Yes.

Isn't that your job?

Fine.

It's Mark. He needs backup at Irma's.

What?

Irma's?

So, about that review...

I'm not Carson Macleish!

So that's a no...

-You almost burned my ear off! -And I'm still orange!

-And you brought back my gout! -I don't...

Okay, everyone calm down.

Hey, everyone, hey, hey! Everyone, calm down. Calm down.

Okay, this little lady's just trying to go on a date tonight.

Oh, uh, no, no, no.

Sorry, Mark, but, um, I gotta go.

-Go? What do you mean, go? -She's a con artist, Mark.

She didn't make that woman walk. Doc did.

-Is that true? -Well,

I didn't wanna hurt anybody.

People were only coming to me

because he wasn't listening to anyone.

You know, if you were a little nicer,

if you spent a little bit more time

showing people that you care,

none of this would have happened.

You made me possible.

Well, what about me? Is that fake, too?

Like, am I just another one of your scams?

No, Mark. You seem like a really nice guy.

Wait.

Oh! Oh, Marky! Mark!

We got an all-points bulletin. Savannah broke parole.

She's wanted by the state police.

This is kind of hot, though, right?

Right here, in the back seat.

Okay.

Listen, Doc, the thing I've been trying

-to tell you all day is... -Mm-hmm?

I sorta did it with Eden.

And when I say "sorta," I mean we did it.

Right as she was leaving town.

A little horizontal rumba, and then vertical.

And actually, at one point, diagonal.

But I know that it hurt me when you smooched Louisa,

but I just want you to know that I know

that this hurts you so much more, I'm sure.

So I'm sorry, buddy. I really am sorry.

I just felt like I needed to be open and honest.

A nine-year-old taught me that.

-Diagonal? -No need to dwell.

-Hmm. -You think we'll be able

to get past this?

-I am open to counseling. -Yeah, no, I do. I do.

Uh, look, I'm glad you felt you could talk to me.

Well, I didn't, but I had to, anyways.

Ah.

Hey, Mark?

Do you think we could get ice cream on the way to prison?

I'm gonna get you one cone.

Oh, their first date.

Well, the next will be in five to ten years, so.

Hey, what happened with your commercial?

-Oh, I booked it! -Oh!

Congratulations!

I'm Tickled Pink.

Hey, Martin.

You did good.

No, I didn't. She's right.

I told you I'm not a people person, but...

unfortunately, I do treat people.

Martin...

Oh, no.

Eeyore, what now?

What, you wanna call me a nitwit again?

No.

Why are you delaying your chemo?

Really.

I told you. I'm busy.

Now tell me the real reason.

I am listening.

Who wants to lose all his hair?

And get sick all alone?

My... my kid's headin' to college.

And, uh, my wife...

well, it didn't work out so well.

It's just gonna be me,

throwing up and bald in the house.

A house I spent years building...

for my family.

They're all gone.

Sounds fun, right?

Sounds hard.

But, um...

Look.

I will be here...

for you...

should you need me.

Wow.

That couldn't have been easy for you.

No.

I felt a little nauseous as I was saying it.

Yeah, well...

I'll... I'll make the chemo appointment.

Okay.

But you're still an ass, Eeyore.

Got that right, nitwit.

Got that right.