Original subtitles

[audio logo]

Stupitt.

[dramatic music]

[moans]

Jesus!

Ah!

[popping]

[electronic music]

[rustling]

[suspenseful music]

[electronic music]

[electronic music]

[electronic music]

[suspenseful music]

Seven days.

[scream, chewing]

Fuck you, asshole.

It's really creepy in here.

Now is not the time to be sending long-haired "Ring"

girls that fucking scream at me.

You cock!

[electronic music]

Damn, boy.

And I can't wait to see you, in the flesh.

[dramatic music]

Fuck.

[knocks]

[knocks]

[knocks]

Stop fucking banging, asshole!

[knocks]

[suspenseful music]

Hey...

[knocks]

Asshole, can you hear me?

Bang on this door one more time, and you're fucking dead!

I don't know if you know this, but this big ass building

is owned by a big ass bastard with a big ass gun.

And his ass is just one phone call away from your ass.

You understand?

What if I told you I can't die?

[suspenseful music]

Aaron?

Danielle?

Good, you can hear me.

I was worried these sultry tones wouldn't quite penetrate

satisfactorily through this...

[knock]

Girthy door, which would have been a real crying shame

'cause I got something pretty important

that I think you should know.

When I want to get in, I'm going to get in.

Lucky for you, I don't want to get in just yet.

It's nice out here.

[phone ringing]

Cool breeze on a warm night.

Only one thing could make it better.

[knock]

You reached the mailbox of Jacky Verde, Greenhouse Studios.

Say your words, and make them...

[phone ringing]

You got a light?

A lighter.

Are you fucking out of your mind?

[laugh] Kind of.

You reached the mailbox of Jacky Verde, Greenhouse Studios.

Say your words, and make them quick.

[suspenseful music]

What the fuck do you want, man?

Question don't apply.

What?

You heard me.

You sure you don't got a lighter?

What the fuck makes you think I would give you a lighter?

If I was an asshole, I would have...

give me a fucking lighter!

Said it more like that, along with a few derogatories

and some slurs.

[laugh] Oh, shit.

I had one all along.

I guess I can be on my way after all.

Happy for you.

You want a smoke?

You need a light?

No.

No, I do not.

You sure?

Very

All right.

Bye.

'Cause I could have sworn when you wrapped a couple hours ago,

you gave one away to that asshole director Russ Jefferson.

Then when Christina asked, you were going to give her one too.

But it turned out you only had one left.

So when you went out back to smoke, you shared it with her,

didn't you?

-Well, that was nice of you. -You're the best.

Fucking lifesaver.

Especially considering that asshole.

That asshole's been trying to get in my pants

for three fucking weeks.

Took an Ultimate and walked away without even smoking it.

I hope his truck catches on fire and he fucking dies.

[laugh]

Me too, honestly.

Asshole move.

Then she gave you a cute little hug...

Let's hang soon.

Walked away, waved goodbye.

You enjoyed that final drag, debated

walking to buy another pack, decided not to,

snuffed it out on the concrete, picked it up, threw it

in the dumpster.

Commendable.

And walked back inside.

You closed that door behind you, of course.

But after that, ooh, I can't quite recall.

Did you remember to lock it?

[dramatic music]

[suspenseful music]

[dramatic music]

[heavy breathing]

Forgot, didn't you?

Who the fuck are you?

Who do you want me to be?

I want you to be gone.

[ambiance]

I know you're still there, asshole!

I know you're going to try to scare me.

Some loud fucking noise, some jump

in front of the door bullshit, screaming, yelling, ooh!

[knock] Trying to make me shit my pants.

So just do it already.

You fucking ass clown.

[ambiance]

[dramatic music, buzzing]

You were wrong.

Little Dan?

Is this about the little ladies room again?

I told you, it's in the back, on the right,

the one with the sign on it with the little lady denying

a peep to that fine gentleman.

You weren't lying when you told me

about that gun, were you?

[upbeat music]

The big one?

The big ass one.

Little Dan, you know I'm from Texas, right?

Yes.

Well, then you should also know

a Texan may lie from time to time.

But a Texan never lies about his guns.

Feel like shooting it?

You in trouble?

Someone's outside, being real fucking creepy,

trying to get in.

You lock the doors?

Yes

You're absolute?

Both of them, twisted the right way, you know?

Yeah.

Good girl.

Don't worry then.

You'll be safe in the greenhouse till Daddy Verde rides in.

Just in case...

[knocks]

let me show you a little something special.

[ambiance]

[suspenseful music]

That's the one.

I think it's locked.

Lean against it real good and twist to the right, and jiggle.

Shove hard, strong.

Put that full chest into it!

Ah!

That a girl.

Now you sit your little ass down and get

ready to jiggle some more.

No!

Don't you touch that!

That is a delicate machine.

You're going to have to slip those fingers in on gently,

can have a little feel around, if you know what I mean.

Now, I'm letting you in on a little secret here.

So keep them pretty little lips zipped.

Good.

You get it.

So once you can see the desktop, I

need you to find a folder called Rules And Regulations.

Now, when you find it, click on it.

Well, double click on it.

Then I need you to navigate to a document called

Follow These Rules.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit is right because if you

don't follow these core tenets and rules,

then what I'm about to bestow into your delicate little hands

will get real dangerous real fast.

And I want to make sure them pretty digits don't

get no damage, you understand?

-Yeah, I understand. -Good.

I'll wait till you're finished reading

to give you a little quizaroo, to make

sure you know what you need to.

And after that, assuming you do, I'll show you my Lil Boo.

[dramatic music]

You finished yet?

Can you hear me, Lil Dan?

I'm waiting, Lil Dan.

Oh, yeah, I'm finished.

[ringtone]

Uh-uh-uh.

You didn't say the magic word.

Uh-uh-uh.

Uh-uh-uh.

[electronic music]

[buzz, dramatic music]

Fuck.

[electronic music]

I'll show you my Lil Boo.

[suspenseful music]

Danny.

Can you see me?

Cause I can see you.

This is insane.

What the fuck, Danny?

Why are you doing this?

Just call the cops.

Yeah, that's a great idea, Danny.

Put the gun away.

Call the cops.

Wait around forever.

Give him time to break in, if he hasn't already broken in.

[suspenseful music]

Please just be gone already, fucker.

Just give up.

Get bored.

Get some sleep so I can too.

[ambiance]

[heartbeat]

Lil Boo, eh?

If you're the Lil Boo, then how fucking big is the Big...

Boo!

[gunshot]

[heavy breathing]

[dramatic music]

Help me.

Christina!

It's OK.

You're going to be OK.

No!

Please, don't leave me.

I'm not going to leave you.

I'm going to call you an ambulance

and wait right here with you.

I'm going to stop the bleeding.

I can't feel my tummy.

Stop it!

Don't do that!

Just don't do anything, OK?

Just stop!

So wet and goopy.

Isn't supposed to feel like this, is it?

Are you seeing this?

Are you seeing this?

Can you see this right now?

Just stop it!

Please stop I!

Don't do that!

Didn't even do any drugs yet.

Am I dreaming?

Yes, you're just dreaming, OK?

Everything's going to be fine really soon.

It's just fun.

Do you want to try?

I just have to make one quick phone call,

and then, yes, I would love to try it.

OK?

So squishy, like a teddy bear full of gummy bears.

[screaming]

Huh.

It doesn't taste like gummy bears.

Fuck.

God damn it, Christina!

I lied.

You're not dreaming.

And if I can't get to my phone to call you an ambulance,

you're going to fucking die!

I'm not going to die.

Christina?

I am ready to come inside.

Is this not what you wanted me to look like?

Did you want something more like this?

[dramatic music]

[screaming]

[gunshot]

[ambiance]

[ambient music]

Help me, please.

Fuck.

I'm going to jail.

I'm going to fucking jail.

Fuck it.

You have reached the city of Los Angeles 911.

The next available operator will answer your call.

You are the 68th caller on the line.

[waiting music]

Estimated wait time, 25 minutes.

Your call is very important to us.

Fuck!

[screaming, suspenseful music]

[dramatic music]

Ah, what the fuck?

[screaming]

[gunshots]

[suspenseful music]

Danny?

It's really cold down here.

Can I sleep in the bed with you?

Are we still going to do that molly?

[gunshot]

[heavy breathing]

[gunshot]

[suspenseful music]

I wasn't Cristina.

She wasn't real.

[squishing]

[drill]

[splashing]

[knock, ding, buzz]

[drill]

[ringing]

[drill]

[dramatic music]

Fucking finally.

Am I going to have to get a goddamn cell tower installed

on top of the greenhouse?

Unbelievable.

This ain't fucking Idaho.

You should have four fucking bars at all fucking times.

Jesus Christ.

[upbeat music]

OK, Lil Dan.

I told you.

I fucking told you.

I don't provide, and I don't want

to hear about no little lady problems, all right?

You need Tampax?

You gotta bring that shit...

Shut your fucking mouth, Jack, and listen

to these words that are about to come out of my mouth.

The greenhouse has been compromised.

People tried to break in, and now one of them is dead.

You lying to me right now?

Consider me an honorary Texan.

What about the others?

The others, I'm not sure.

But there's a fairly good chance that there's something...

someone right here, right in front of me,

right inside this bathroom, listening.

[indistinct] can listen to everything I'm saying right now,

waiting for the perfect moment to...

Shoot him!

Shoot him right now!

Shoot that son of a bitch, then shoot him again!

Woo hoo!

OK.

[gunshot]

[high-pitched ringing]

Oh, you get him or what?

Shoot him again.

Did you hear me?

Oh.

Hey, now.

Yeah, I'll take cream with that.

Two pumps, nice and big.

OK.

That'll be $73.14

Are you fucking kidding me, man?

Don't worry, Lil Dan.

I got one for you, too.

I know the way you ladies like it.

Pumpkin spice latte, almond milk, none

of that good, real cow shit.

I made sure to ask for kitty temperatures too.

I wouldn't want to see my Lil Dan walking around

with no burnt little lippies in her cute little...

Stop calling me Lil Dan.

It's Danny.

Or it's fucking Danielle, you creepy ass old fucking fuck.

Shit, I ain't that much older than...

I saw your cameras, dumb-ass, the ones zoomed in,

pointed right at me in bed.

I know all about that shit.

And everyone else in this fucking town

is going to know about it too, including your lovely fiance,

which I've heard so much about.

Those cameras are for security reasons only.

Which is going to make both maintaining this studio

and maintaining those wedding plans, at the very least,

incredibly fucking difficult. Or hopefully,

and more likely, extremely fucking impossible

for you, Jack, unless you pay my rent for the next full calendar

year.

And me and my friends get to film here for free,

whenever the fuck we want.

And obviously, those fucking cameras

are coming the fuck down.

And you're fucking perving ass better get the fuck up here

right fucking now to help me kill

this fucker before delivering to me that pumpkin spice latte,

which, yes, I do fucking like because everybody fucking likes

it because it's the fucking pizza of fucking

flavored coffees, you fucking patronizing goddamn fucking

asshole fucking fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck.

[upbeat music]

Sir?

Sir?

Sir?

Sir?

Hello.

[indistinct] Thank you, little lady.

Miss.

Ma'am.

Thank you now.

Man, this is good. You're right.

I mean, who wouldn't like this?

I like this.

Did you just drink my fucking drink?

Uh, I can order you another one if you want.

Get the fuck here!

Also, even if this was blood from my cunt,

don't be a pussy little bitch about it, bro.

Fucking gross.

Are you OK, Danny?

I know you haven't responded, which means you probably

don't want to talk to me right now,

but I just need you to know that I do care.

And I do want to know that you're safe.

And even if you hate me right now, please,

can you just let me know?

[flushing]

Seven days.

6.

5.

4.

3.

I wouldn't push that if I were you.

Looking for me?

I'm out.

[suspenseful music]

[squishing]

Hello.

This cannot be real.

This could not be fucking real.

It hurt.

[indistinct] It's real.

And so was I, before the rest of me was quite dead, wasn't I?

You really loved me, didn't you?

You want to know how I know?

Do you want to know how dead you'll

be from this gun at this range?

I already know that.

I love my wedding ring, by the way.

Such a special bond between us special little babies,

a bond that will last forever.

Real good at spouting fucking nonsense.

Are you proud of yourself?

Not yet, but I will be.

You do know that this little lady is holding the little gun,

right?

Little finger?

There's a bigger one coming for you.

The real you.

Trigger finger?

Much bigger.

But?

You know, it's really too bad the real you couldn't

be here right now.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Why is that?

This would be a real fucking fun to shoot you in your dick,

with the little gun.

[dramatic music]

Couldn't have put it better myself.

[buzz, ding]

I thought you were going to pull.

You thought wrong.

You thought wrong.

I'm just a little lady here.

You're a full-bodied little lady, with a cute little gun.

What could I possibly do?

I'm sorry.

I didn't get that.

Shut the fuck up, Siri.

Same goes for you.

What are you?

Now that you've killed me, you already forgot what I am?

Fucker.

You know what I mean, bitch.

What are you trying to do?

Ring finger.

Stop playing games and answer me.

I did.

[dramatic music, gunshots]

I'm so proud.

My brand new wedding ring's got such a big, fat rock.

And now, forever, I'll wear you.

I'll love you.

I'll finger you.

I'll fuck you, stay inside of you, control you,

and never, ever let go of you.

[scream] This is real fucking funny for you, isn't it?

No.

That's a shame because it's about to be real

fucking funny for me.

No, the funny thing is, while you've just been chatting away

within these five Christina fingers,

I'm beginning [indistinct] 1 and 10, and even Jack is all set,

moving, to do a whole [indistinct].

Yeah.

[gunshot, screaming]

[dramatic music]

[dinging, buzzing]

Stop fucking texting me!

[screaming]

Fucking damn it.

[squishing]

Yes!

[heavy breathing]

[scream]

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ah!

God damn it, Christina!

[dramatic music]

Christina.

If you're in there, please...

[squirting, screaming]

You fucking bitch!

Ah, fuck you!

[laugh]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC, GRUNTS, SCREAMING]

[squirting]

Goddamn it!

Fine!

Siri, answer the fucking call!

Danielle, I'm real sorry.

I need to apologize...

Jacky!

For my language...

Jacky!

My tone, for my clear and utter disrespect.

Jacky, shut the fuck up and listen to me.

You're an incredible woman, Danielle.

You don't deserve this.

You deserve the honest Texas truth.

Stop!

The truth I wasn't able to give, a truth I

-could never give. -Fucker, you listen to me!

-Because... -Can you fucking hear me?

I'm not even a real Texan.

Are you almost here?

But I shall try to improve.

I didn't mean to offend in such a manner.

It was an accident, one I clearly shouldn't have made.

One that can also be part of the problem

that I created between you and I, stems from a problem caused

by my lovely fiancee, a simple problem of disrespect,

disrespect I should have unleashed upon her.

But instead I delivered to you.

And same, of course, goes for the cameras.

I know it may seem unforgivable, but considering

my circumstances, I feel like it has to make sense.

It needs to make sense to be understandable, even to you.

It has been not one, not two, not three, not four, not five,

not six, but seven...

Fuck it!

Seven long, dry months.

I can live with one leg.

Because my soon to be misses, as lovely as she may be,

has allowed me even the slightest peek at her fur-free

fanny underneath those nefarious knickers.

God damn it, Jacky!

The opportunity arose to have a lovely lady such

as yourself stay the nights in my beautiful house of green.

How could I deny myself such a harmless little pig?

I apologize that you found out.

Fuck you.

But I promise you, the visuals were for my eyes only.

Such beauty was not meant to be shared.

And I promise you even more, you should not

be ashamed of what I saw.

I'll make it work.

It was a magnificent sight, your sleeping form.

And beautiful as your smile in the day.

You have to do it.

And of course, yes, That's not all that was [indistinct].

But once again, no shame is required.

I'm fully aware that you ladies have certain needs, just

like us men.

Things go in, and yes, of course, they must come out.

When the balls go dry, they're quite beautiful.

I may not be a Texan, but on this I could not lie.

You're meant to be seen, so I did.

I watched, adored, gave applause,

that most natural of delights.

Oh, you fucking asshole!

Imagine the taste.

Imagine the smell.

I dreamed of the impossible.

Could it ever be made real?

[squirting]

Once you spray, you got to bidet.

Well, I was too scared.

Never ask.

Never do.

But perhaps on this night, on this strange, wonderful night,

that you need me to arrive, that you need me to save you.

As a reward, like the quest for the center of a Tootsie Roll

pop, could I have just one lick of

that pleasurably pink, boisterously brown explosion

of the most...

[screaming]

Delectable, most mouthwatering of flavors?

[slurping]

Ah.

[squirting]

Or perhaps a few licks.

Find out how many it takes to get clean.

[screaming]

No need for the toilet, pumpkin.

[squirting, screaming]

[ambient music]

[electronic music]

Thank you for accepting my apology.

I shall be arriving soon, and I look quite forward

to tasting your...

[beep]

[dramatic music]

[gunshot]

God damn it.

That was my favorite shirt.

[suspenseful music]

[knocks]

I told you, when I want to get in, I'd get in.

Curious, aren't you?

I like that.

[knocks]

No need for the gun.

She's quite dead.

You made sure of that, didn't you?

Stop with the shit!

You made sure of that, too.

How about you show yourself, asshole?

Show me what you really are.

No more of this fake friend bullshit.

You think she's an imitation?

I admit, I may have caused a few unnatural events to occur.

But I promise you, the girl in the bed, that is Christina.

She's real.

She's human.

She's your friend.

Or rather, she wasn't real.

Once human, once your friend, until you shot her dead.

[gunshot]

Not so human anymore, is it?

Christina wasn't even part of tonight's plan,

just a happy little accident, a girl who couldn't sleep.

Wanted a fucked-up night, and I'd say she got it.

She brought you another pack, by the way.

Kindness just never pays off, does it?

Fuck you.

You can run if you'd like, but you won't get away.

You talk a big fucking game, asshole.

But you can't do anything yourself, can you?

It's pathetic.

You're all bark and no fucking bite!

Oh, the bite will come, I assure you.

[knocks]

You're just not quite ready yet.

Hey, Danny.

Danny.

Yeah.

I'm sorry if I came off creepy earlier.

I... I didn't mean to do that.

I didn't mean to scare you, either.

[ambiance]

I'm sorry if it's weird I came here like this.

I just really wanted to see you again.

I didn't feel like waiting.

Aaron?

Yeah.

I mean, who else would I be?

Nacho fries.

Shitload of fire sauce.

[electronic music]

[gunshot]

I got him!

Boom!

I told you I'd save you.

[gunshot]

[groans]

[gunshot]

I'm going to get you out of here, OK?

Aaron.

Come on.

Please stay with me.

I'm going to call an ambulance, OK?

You just sit right here and wait for me, all right?

[gargling, gasping]

I really did miss you.

I can tell that you missed me too.

It's been too long.

[crying]

[scream]

[knocks]

Now you are complete.

Why?

Why?

[suspenseful music]

Exhilaration.

Goddamn fucking asshole, fucking...

[knocks]

Anger.

Surprise.

Boo!

[gunshot]

Disgust.

Asshole!

[squirting]

Danny?

Heartbreak tastes good in a place like this.

[suspenseful music]

I've crafted a masterpiece in hell.

One I cannot wait to devour.

The whole human experience, cooked to perfection... mwah.

Over 1 beautiful night, every emotion so very

fresh in your delicate little mind.

Five delicious flavors, each one drenched in fear.

What are you?

Does it matter?

Does your dinner ever ask you the same?

That's it.

You did all of this because you're fucking hungry?

Famished!

I have starved myself for a very long time

in preparation for this meal.

For eternities, I have waited [indistinct] with desire

for this climax of emotions.

Every second for you, human, a lifetime for me.

So imagine my anticipation.

Hmm?

This isn't the full human experience.

Oh?

You forgot the best part.

Enlighten me.

Desert.

That rush of chemicals in the brain

that every human must feel in the exact moment that we die.

[gunshot]

[sizzling]

[suspenseful music]

Don't you worry, little girl.

On your confirmation, once every last bite of you

is devoured, swallowed and digested,

you will feel that chemical rush.

And I will savor my desert.

And what if the meal gets spoiled?

You just added to the flavor.

Improvisation.

And failure.

I like.

[dramatic music]

Would you like to add more?

Oh.

Boring.

Look at this place.

You are in a film studio, Danielle,

where emotions are born, crafted for consumption,

remembered by all.

The recipe is just right, never to be forgotten.

So try and be a bit more creative.

I give up.

Boring.

[suspenseful music]

After everything you've been through?

I can't win.

You're a God, right?

And so much more.

And I'm just a lowly human.

Nothing more.

But I do have one final request.

If you'd be so kind, may I have a last meal

before I become yours?

I'm fucking starving.

What would you like?

Something savory, or something sweet?

Just something simple, really.

Just a little bedtime snack, I guess, with a glass of water

to wash it down.

Shall I surprise you?

I do like a good surprise.

But I think I'm pretty surprised-out for the night.

Can I have my pumpkin spice from outside instead?

Perfect.

Almost perfect.

Actually, can I surprise you?

I just think it'll be fun fun for you.

I mean, it just doesn't seem like you

get surprised very easily.

Like, I was thinking, what if I described to you what I want,

and you just listen to my voice, my description,

and see if you can figure it out and make it appear?

And then when you reveal it to me,

I'll let you know if you got it right

by just the emotion on my face.

Just a little appetizing surprise before your full meal.

For example.

Did you get it absolutely correct?

Exhilaration.

Is it something that I hate?

Anger.

Is it something that I didn't even know that I wanted?

A surprise, surprise.

Or is it something that I find completely disgusting?

Or is it something that's so close yet so far away?

Heartbreak.

Or maybe it's something that's just so outrageous

that I would be terrified to even think about eating it.

[applause]

Yes.

[suspenseful music]

You try to kill yourself again, and I promise,

your meal will be so very full of pain.

Trust me, I don't want to die.

Do you believe me?

Good.

You're not cheating.

So I'm thinking of something bitter,

with a real nasty taste, like I'm talking just unexpectedly,

how could something like this taste so goddamn

bad, kind of taste.

[heartbeat, static]

It would honestly be the perfect end to the most...

to the most terrible fucking God awful nightmare

night of my life.

Wouldn't you say?

Do you know what it is?

I didn't say I was going to make it easy.

Ooh, I can't wait to see.

She can't wait either.

I will never forget this night, Danielle.

Your emotional recipe was perfected and then improved

by the unexpected.

It's almost a shame that in a few more anticipatory moments,

everything you are will be reduced to a fragment of flavors

digesting inside of me.

Shall we see if I was correct?

[suspenseful music]

[electronic music]

Do you know what I'll never forget?

What's that?

That rocks are cool.

Rock are cool.

Rocks are cool.

Do you like rocks?

A... wait, what was your name?

Do you even have a name?

It doesn't matter.

When they're really smooth, and you just

put them on top of a hill and push them down.

Push them down.

Ooh.

Push them down.

And they roll.

They roll hard.

They roll good.

I like that.

Oh, I love rolling.

Fucking love it.

Wait, what were we talking abou?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck, I forgot again.

Oh.

[suspenseful music]

Mm.

[chimes]

Why are you holding your hands like that?

Boo!

[laugh] Surprise.

Ah!

What have you done?

What have you done?

So you had nothing?

What was in there?

Really, nothing?

You didn't even try?

Oh.

Oh, it's OK.

It was a hard one.

I honestly didn't think you would get it.

But I didn't need you to make it for me because...

aw, shit.

I had one.

Oh, I had a lot, actually, not just one.

But now it's all gone.

Man, it is funny how such a tiny bit of chemicals can just... pow,

pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.

Just make that fucking serotonin explode.

Fuck, yes.

Fuck, yes.

Fuck, yes.

Ecstasy's a pretty fucking accurate name,

if I do say so myself, 'cause I feel...

[laugh] I mean, am I completely useless right now?

Can I remember... thing, things?

Hell no.

But I don't give a fuck.

Why would I?

Because all that shit that I don't

want to deal with just washed right ain't the fuck away.

[electronic music]

Oh, man.

God.

You look so fucking sad right now.

[sobbing]

You were so happy before.

Aw.

I would give you some if I had any left, but I feel you.

Don't you worry.

I feel you, baby.

There's no happy ending for me either.

There's dead bodies everywhere.

They're my friends, dude.

And I killed them.

I mean, at least as far as anyone

who's not a God will believe.

[chimes]

So tomorrow... I mean, if I even live to see it.

Who the fuck knows?

It is going to be a hell of a bad day.

My life is over.

You ruined it.

So thank you for that.

[sobbing]

Sucks, but it happens.

One whole lifetime...

[vocalizing]... down the drain.

But... [clicking]... you what I was thinking,

is how many lifetimes did I just ruin for you?

We can find out.

OK.

So, ready?

If seconds for me is 60 seconds times 60 minutes, 36 zeroes.

No, it's got to be more than that, right?

Times day.

So that's 24.

86.

No, it's got to be longer than that, right?

You said a long time.

One day of lifetimes?

That's nothing.

So times seven... no, it's got to be big.

It's got to be more.

Like a month?

Times 4.

Whoa, that is a lot of commas.

Two commas.

Two comma four million.

Million.

Now, that is big.

Now, that deserves some tunes.

[upbeat music]

Bigger.

Like a year?

OK.

Times 12.

No, two years.

Let's say two.

Times two equals... oh, boy.

That is a big one.

But 58 times 1...

2 million.

You are almost going Jurassic, baby.

[roar]

[laugh]

No, no, no.

Wait.

No, no, no.

That's lifetimes, not years.

Hey, Siri.

What is the average lifespan of a mere human?

The average lifespan of a human being is 73.5 years.

Hey, not great.

But still, times 73.5 is...

oh, dang.

1, 2, 3.

That is a ruin 4.2 billion years in the making.

Now, that is some epic disappointment.

[sobbing]

Hey, you got a light?

Oh, never mind.

Duh.

You know, tomorrow is really, really going to suck.

But at least right here right now...

["so shiny and so smooth"]

Before it all goes to hell, again, I really shouldn't be,

but I'm just having a God damn good time.

[vocalizing]

[SINGING] Rocks are cool

Rocks are cool

So shiny and so smooth

They make my brain stem dream

Rocks are cool

Rocks are cool

Slide into my heart

They make me act a fool

Amethyst, basalt

Crystalline diamond

Ecstasy [indistinct]

Hematite, igneous strain

Kryptonite, limestone

Methylenedioxymethamphetamine

Methylene

Obsidian, pearl

Quartz, rock star

Sandstone, topaz

[indistinct]

Volcanic ash

[indistinct]

Your call is very important to us.

It's really the only beach we go to in St. Louis

because the atmosphere is always super cool.

The water feels great.

The rocks are cool.

We love it.

[SINGING] [indistinct]

Rocks are cool

Rocks are cool

Slide into my heart

They make me act a fool

Pyramids [indistinct]

Jewelry [indistinct]

El Capitan

[indistinct]

Mount Everest, Stonehenge

Ecstasy of St. Theresa

The Greatest Sphinx of [indistinct] Giza

Machu Picchu Medias

Extinction of the dinosaurs

Concrete freeways

Countertops, paperweights

Candle holders Marble flooring

Limestone [indistinct] drawing

Done by Michelangelo

[indistinct] and Venus de Milo

Roman Coliseum

And get me high

You can't curse me, baby

Gold

You can't drive insane

Give me gold [indistinct] stones

I'll never be the same

Too much table salt

[indistinct]

That is not my fault

But it doesn't matter

Doesn't change a fucking thing

Rocks are cool

Rocks are cool

So shiny and so smooth

They make my brain stem droop

Rocks are cool

Rocks are cool

Slide into my heartbeat

Make me act a fool