All language subtitles for The.Kitchen.2012.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

Okay, do me a favor.
Don't do that here, huh?

If not here, then where?

If not now, then when?

Ready for some ambience?
Who isn't?

Drumroll? No? Okay.

Think the lights can sense
that it's not Christmas?

Goddamn it. All right.

How do I look?

Fine.

I'm not sure if anyone
mentioned it to you,

but we're having
a birthday party here tonight.

I'm assuming you own pants.

You're gonna kill all of us
in our sleep one night, aren't you?

- Why are you doing that there?
- If not here, then where?

If not now, then when?

Wait. Were you hanging
a new show at the gallery last night?

No. I was at Paul's.

Oh.

I don't think Paul is gonna stay
for the party, so just don't make a big deal about it, okay?

Why would I or anyone
care what Paul does?

Forget it.
I don't know.

Hey, look. It's Paul.

I hear you're not staying
for the big party tonight.

Most people hate an
uncomfortable silence, but it reminds me of home.

My dad didn't talk
a whole lot.

Kenny.
Yeah?

Fuck off.
Enough said.

See you two
lovebirds later.

- Can we just talk?
- Oh, my God. What more is there to say?

Look, it's okay
for you to be angry.

Thank you for allowing me
to feel my own emotions in my own house.

Party time, right?

Hey, how about Jennifer
opening her own gallery?

That's pretty crazy,
right?

You've got to be
so happy for her.

You don't--
You don't look happy.

What is going on with you?
This was supposed to be a surprise.

When were you gonna tell me?
Do you remember about 24 hours ago...

when I said
there was something I wanted to tell you...

and then you said
you had something you wanted to tell me...

and I said
that you should go first?

This is what
I wanted to tell you.

Look, can we just go
to your room? No. My sister's sleeping.

How about we take
a little walk? A nice stroll.

Talk it out.

I just keep thinking
about how I wasted two and a half years on you.

Please, we don't need
to go over this.

Just answer the question.
How many of my friends did you screw?

I'm trying
to have a conversation. You want to have an argument.

I'm going to take off.
Good. There's an actual birthday present I could use.

What are you going
to tell people? About what?

About why your boyfriend
isn't at your 30th birthday party.

Paul. I know that
you're not this stupid. I was honest with you.

Did someone actually hire a
fucking band for this party?

What?
A band.

For your party.

This is Nikki.
She's... new girlfriend.

Hey.

So I should go, or--
We got you something.

Yep. It's a doormat.
Congratulations.

Thanks.

- This is so fucked up, man.
- What is?

That you're going to pay
some other stupid band...

when Bite My Lower Lip
is dying for gigs.

- What the fuck?
- Tony, Stan hired the band, okay?

- It's just my birthday.
I have no idea. - Happy Birthday.

Stan?

Where in the fuck
is Stan?

You like to say "fuck" a lot.
Not as much as I like to do it.

Mmm!

I just want to talk
to you alone, okay?

You're smoking now too?

I never stopped.

I just don't do it in front
of you 'cause I know how much you hate it.

It's like
I don't even know you.

I guess that
makes us both liars.

So I should go, I guess?
Is that what you want?

Paul.

You know what?
Do what you want.

I want you.
Oh, my God.

What?
Right now I need to return this to my next-door neighbors...

before they notice
it's missing.

What?

He's just
standing there watching us.

What's the deal, Paul?

Hey, if you're going to make out
like a couple of monkeys at the zoo,

you should expect people
to stare and throw peanuts at you.

She's, like, deathly allergic
to peanuts.

All right, calm down.

Who the fuck is this?

What's up, man?
We're Coral Reef. We're the band.

Stan said
to set up out back. Yeah, whatever.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
Get your shit. We're leaving. We just got here.

I am not sitting here and
listening to a bunch of hipsters do Beck covers all night.

- No way.
- I had to drive here from Long Beach.

I don't care.
You can drive fuckin' back to Long Beach as far as I care.

If you want, stay with them.
Hang out.

Party. Have fun.
Help them clean up in the morning.

Have fun with Coral Reef.

Where did Jennifer go?
I don't know.

Do me a favor.
Watch the chili.

Stan, I'm taking off.

Why didn't you tell me
the band was here?

Stan.

Yeah?
The band's here.

Thanks, man.

I'm watching the chili.

Watching it do what?

I'm not sure exactly.

What the hell is this?

Well, you told me not
to do my laundry in here.

You can't do that, okay?

We've got an Iraq veteran
coming tonight. So?

So you can't have pot
lying around.

Okay? The guy's
basically a cop. No, he's not.

Speaking of which,
no antiwar bullshit from you tonight, okay?

Please?
I'm not staying. Don't worry about it.

What do you mean
you're not staying? No, you need to be here.

This is a big deal.
It's your girlfriend's 30th.

It's very special.
You got to be nice to her.

Are you checking
on the wings? I got it.

You should probably
put salt on-- I got it under control.

I don't know.

I'm just-- Okay.

- You look really tired.
- Thanks, Pam.

Yeah.

Stan's totally in love with Jennifer.

You know that, right?

Yeah, I guess.
You guess?

Do you know how hard it is
to make that chili?

There are, like, 16 herbs
and spices in that.

That's five more
than the Colonel.

Who's this?

Hey, guess
what I did this weekend. I've got to take this.

Hey!

- Hey. What are you doing?
- I'm having my post-nap snack.

It's, like, 7:00.
I overslept.

I think somebody
stole your cigarettes. Oh.

Okay, here's the deal.

When Vladimir gets here,
I'm thinking that I might say--

- Is he here?
- Well, not yet.

But when he does get here,

at some point I'm gonna say,

"I think we should
do something together."

- What do you think?
- Well, what does that mean?

It means that I want him
to leave Pace...

and let me represent him
at my new gallery as my one and only client.

It kind of sounds like you
wanna have sex with him.

- Everything sounds
that way to you. - That might be true.

What I really want
is to find an artist that no one else appreciates.

"You," unknown artist,
name to be filled in later,

"have talent.

I think we should do
something together."

All right, come on,
what happened with Paul? I just saw him leave.

Paul left?

Do you want him here?
I don't want him here.

No. Yeah.
No, you're right.

It's my party.
Of course I don't want him here.

Can't believe
he was cheating on you.

You should've just
come straight home. We ended up talking all night.

About what?
It was so weird. Just out of the blue.

He just told me
he was unfaithful.

And you had no idea?

No, I didn't.

Should you really
be doing that?

Speaking of Mom--

You know what I mean.

Aw. Pretty Penny.

Good late afternoon
slash early evening.

What's up, Kenny?

So do you know,
uh, some army guy? He was in Iraq.

He's supposed
to be coming tonight. I don't think so.

I don't think I know anyone
in the army. Do you?

I live in Alabama.
Everyone's in the army.

Is this gonna be a pajama party?

Should I go change?

Don't worry, guys. I'll get it.

Oh. Take it. Sorry.

Thank you.

How's that wing?

Tastes like chicken.

So how long are we not
gonna talk about the one thing we should be talking about?

I thought we had
a tacit agreement that it should go unspoken.

Well, I don't exactly know
what "tacit" means.

Kenny.
Look, it's--

Every time you come and visit,
there's always a night...

where we end up
getting drunk, making out,

and it's been going on
for years. So?

I-- Well, I think
we should stop.

Do you?

What I'd actually like
is to get to second base,

but seeing as how I don't
really know what that is,

and it'll be a little creepy
to track down a 12-year-old and ask him, uh, up here--

Kenny.
Yeah?

You're really hard to handle
first thing in the morning.

It's after 7:00.

I'm gonna go get dressed.

I come with you.
That's okay.

I appreciate it though.
I can do it myself.

Do you want a beer?
Oh, yeah, sure.

And I brought this for you.
Oh, thanks.

Jennifer.
There you are.

Nancy.

Can I just get a moment
alone with Jennifer? Yeah, sure.

We're gonna talk about stuff
best friends talk about, you know.

What is your problem?
With the feathers.

It's like always a concert
on that girl's land. It's too much.

I got it. What is happening?
I'm thinking about dying my hair blonde.

Why would you do that?
Because it's a great idea.

What's on your face?

It's a mole.
And it's private. And it's beautiful.

I should tell you that
Vladimir is stopping by tonight.

To your party?
Yeah.

Why?
I'm stealing him from Pace.

Do you really think that's
a good idea right now?

You're starting
your own gallery.

Reads as a little bit
impulsive to me. What are you talking about?

If you ask Michael
for your job back, he would give it to you in a second.

You're stable, you turn 30,
and you're in a really good place.

You put on a business suit
and feel really good about yourself.

Why would I do that?
If I get Vladimir, then I'm set.

I really feel
like I should be blonde. I feel like this makes sense.

Can we get my hair done?
'Cause I feel like the more we sit here and talk,

the slower it's gonna take
for me to look like you.

Yeah, let's go.
Maybe we can put another mole on your face too.

That's excessive.
What a terrible idea.

Hello.

Thanks so much
for doing this. Yeah.

I'm so bad
at wrapping things. What did you get her?

Oh, you know,
it's nothing really.

Kim!
I know.

These must've cost, like,
a couple hundred dollars.

Well, they were on sale,
plus my discount, so it was cheaper.

Oh, my God.
I'm sure she has scissors and wrapping paper.

Ah! Ribbon.
Here's some.

Well, remind me to invite you
to my birthday party,

if these are
the kind of gifts you bring.

Amanda, can you...
keep a secret?

Absolutely not.
You know me.

Oh, that's true.

So how long
do we have to stay-- I slept with Paul.

What?
I know. I know.

I've been dying to tell someone.
It's killing me, and I had to tell someone.

When was this?

Uh, it was just one time,
two Saturdays ago.

We were at this art opening,
and we both had too much wine,

which is not an excuse,
but it's just-- it certainly didn't help things.

And there's always been this,
like, weird sexual tension between me and Paul.

You probably
noticed it.

No, I haven't.

I thought everyone
could sense it.

So let me get this straight.

You sleep with Paul,
so Jennifer gets nice earrings?

Well, I want to tell her
what I've done, so we can, like, work it out,

and, you know, I hope,
renew and strengthen our friendship.

But I start, like, shaking,

just like imagining her
standing there...

and, like-- and--

and, like, try to say
those-- those words.

So I went with plan "B."

Now, does she get a gift every time you sleep with Paul?

Is that, like,
what you're gonna do now? You know, you're so--

Kim!
unhelpful!

Oh, Kim,
come on, you're gonna give her these earrings?

Hang on. I can't--
What's that?

Wait. I can't really hear you.
Hang on one sec.

What's that, Gran?

Yeah, no, I'm 30.

Pretty sure. Yeah.

Um, so I should probably--
No. No children as of yet.

I know. I--

Oh, Gran,
Penny just got here and she wants to talk to you.

- Yes, she does. She does.
- Fuck.

Hey, Gran, I'm gonna
call you tomorrow...

because it is
so crazy right now.

My friends are,
like, all around me.

And it's a--
it's a big, big party.

Mm-hmm.
I'll call you tomorrow. Love you too.

I'm 30. Yeah.

I know. Children.
Okay, bye.

Penny said you
were on the phone with your grandma.

She didn't
wanna talk to me? Oh, you know, she had to go.

- Sorry.
- Yeah, no, that's okay.

Did you, um, tell her
about the party I was throwing?

I did.

Yeah?
What did she say?

Well, I mean,
I haven't told her yet, but I'm going to.

Huh.

Do you hate it?

Hate what?
You know, the party, everything.

No. Stan, you are
so great to do all this.

I mean,
it's so sweet really.

Okay. Have you seen
the photographer yet?

What photographer?
Come on.

I mean,
it's your 30th birthday. It's a big deal. It's special.

Is it?
Yes. Yes. A third of your life lived.

Oh, God. Do I really have
to live to be 90?

That seems so daunting.

Come on. You've got to get
into the spirit of this.

All right.

I will.
Yay. It's my birthday. I'm just--

Birthdays are always
special to me, I don't know.

I just think things like
Christmas and birthdays...

and Halloween are like--

What?
I think all that kind of stuff is for children.

You know, you don't have
an ounce of sentimentality in your entire body.

Is that such a bad thing?
I made the chili.

I mean, I don't know--

Stan, I--
I really appreciate it.

Okay.

Stan. Wait. Come--

You're not gonna
follow me out?

Was I supposed to?
I mean, I was upset. You saw I was upset.

Nah.

What's up, guys?
Hey!

Keep the party going!
Looking good.

Thank you.

That's funny.

What is?
You're smoking inside.

When I lived here,
Adam had to go outside to smoke?

Adam was an asshole
and a complete waste of your time.

Okay, first of all,
Adam was delightful, all right?

And second of all, maybe he
wouldn't have been so damn angry if he could smoke inside...

and not have to go outside
and battle a raccoon every time he wants a smoke.

I'm just smoking because
I'm a little stressed out.

Is it because
of your birthday? 'Cause you're turning 30?

No, that's not why.

Is it because Penny's
getting an abortion next week?

What?

Did she tell you that?
A lot of people told me that.

I wish the world would
just choke to death on gossip.

If you think about it,
it's not that big of a deal.

Isn't a man wearing a condom
a form of an abortion?

Stops it from going in.
No baby to be had.

Speaking of people
we wish were aborted--

I don't think
we were talking about that.

How long
have you known Paul? Since high school. Why?

We broke up.

Wait. Why?

He cheated on me.

Right.

Do you know with who or--
I don't know. He wouldn't tell me.

But I think it was
more than one girl.

And I think it was
even some of my friends.

I'm sorry. I--
Excuse yourself.

Hi, Kim.

Sorry.
It's okay.

Happy birthday.
Thanks.

I'm so, so sorry.

People who
get me birthday gifts do not have to apologize.

I know,
but I should, um-- Kim, not now.

What you were saying
before, about Paul, I-- Kim. Kim.

What?

Uh--

Wow. Really?

Out of the two of you, I
would've thought Amanda would be the one to stab me in the back.

Jennifer!

Wow!

Well, that was
incredibly offensive.

Amanda.

What?
You can probably cut the speech.

I know you're
sleeping with Paul.

What? How would
you even know that?

'Cause Paul and I
are really close, and he tells me everything.

Well, I'm sure he doesn't
tell you everything. You mean like every detail?

Maybe not every detail,
but that you guys...

are having sex
pretty frequently, yep.

Intercourse.

Sex.
Did he tell you about the, um--

The woman that you
picked up in the bar in West Hollywood? Oh, yeah.

Did he show you--
The photographs?

Why document if you
don't want it seen, you know.

Paul-- Is Paul here?
I sure hope so.

Is he here?
I need to talk to him.

Wow.

Yep.

That's gonna work. What?

So she's a cop from Mexico.
No, she's a Los Angeles City cop from a Mexican family.

And why do you
wanna take her to the rodeo? She took me to the rodeo.

Did you hear
a word I've said? Okay if I get one of these?

Yeah, go ahead.
Fresh out of the oven. Thanks.

I make really good eggs
in the morning too-- if you're still here.

Nice. Good.
Wow.

You have definitely
improved with age.

So, did you hear
what I was talking about? No. What?

I had a date with a cop.
Oh, yeah? What's his name?

Ah-ha-ha! Got me. "His."
Like I'm gay.

Just like high school.
Oh, I bet it is.

I got beat up a lot.

Wings for my gay friend?
Yeah, don't mind if I do.

There you have it.
It looks pretty good.

I'm gonna make
some blue cheese happy. You look great by the way.

- Thank you, Kenny.
- Hey!

Oh, yeah.

What took you so long?

What do you mean?
I was expecting you hours ago.

I said that I would bring
the cake over on her birthday. It's still her birthday, right?

But I said to come by early.
But I couldn't, so I came by now.

Just be happy
that the traffic-- What the hell is this?

It's a cake.

Yeah, but why does it
say "Jenni"?

She's gonna freak out.
What's the big deal?

It's her name,
isn't it? No, no, no.

I said "Jennifer."
I said put "Jennifer."

She hates to be called Jenny.
You even spelled it with an "I."

She probably
won't even notice. Oh course she's gonna notice.

It's in the middle of the cake.
Look, do you think you can take it ba--

Who does that?
I'm in the middle of talking.

You don't walk away
when someone's talking.

You know, like--
Kenny, I feel you walking away.

You're--

Kenny? Ke--

Okay. You can do this.
You can fix this.

Stan to the rescue.

Yeah, yeah.

This is officially
the whitest party I've ever been to.

Lot of beers,
lot of Arcade Fire.

No-- No offense.
Dude, no worries.

It's still early.

Well, I thought there would be,
like, hot Asian chicks here at the very least.

Oh! When we do meet
some women, I have the perfect card trick.

Please put those away.
Come on. Let me practice on you.

No, no.
"Let me practice on you."

Do I have to repeat to you
how uncomfortable that sentence makes me?

Dude, women love magicians.
Love 'em.

You know what?
You... sort of make me believe in God,

because it is a miracle
that you have ever gotten laid.

Like colleges
should study you.

I think some interesting results
would be yielded from that essay.

Do you think I should
have brought my guitar? Yeah.

Then I could've
broken it over your head. Ah, kabong!

What the fuck?

Hey, uh,
what are you doing?

Hmm?

Um, the name
on the cake was wrong,

so I'm just gonna
change it really quick.

You're gonna use
the marker?

Yeah, I don't think
that you've thought this through.

Yeah, I guess not, huh?

Oh, man, hey. Um--

Glad you could make it.
Welcome.

Thanks.

And I just wanna say
from everyone here,

really, um, thank you.

Really.

Okay.

Seriously, again,
thank you.

Okay, what is
with you?

Well, I just heard you guys
don't like to talk about it. You just wanna be thanked.

For what? For slavery?

No.
No, for the war. Oh, yeah.

I gotcha.
The Civil War. What? No.

Uh--
Iraq.

I wasn't in Iraq.

I'm sorry.
That's embarrassing. Uh--

Afghanistan?
Why does that cake say "Jenni" on it?

I've never been to Afghanistan.
I've never been outside of America.

Stanley.
What is your problem?

Well-- Sorry, man.

It's your pants.

Yeah. She's right.
It's the pants.

There's
an Iraqi war vet coming. I just assumed it was you.

- Penny, don't,
don't, don't! Penny! - I think this is way better.

It's not way better.
Now it looks like we're giving her a used cake.

You're sabotaging me.
Everyone's out to get me. Okay.

Oh, really?

Don't mind Stan.
He's a little stressed out.

He's throwing this birthday
party for my sister,

who he is not so secretly
in love with.

He's wrong.
It's not gonna happen.

- She doesn't love him?
- No, 'cause he's gay.

- Don't you think he's gay?
- I just met the guy, so--

- Don't ask me. I think
everybody's gay. Everybody. - What about you?

Well, I'm not really concerned
about who's gay and who's not gay.

I'm more concerned
about the women. You know what I'm talking about?

Are you asking
if I'm a lesbian?

What?
That's crazy.

Why would you think that?
That's exactly what I'm asking.

Are you?

I wish I was.

Why is that?

Well if I was a lesbian,
I would not be having an abortion on Thursday.

What?

Wow.
Okay. Wow. Yeah.

Um, I can't take
these people anymore. What?

I mean, first this guy.
Why would you just drop a bomb on us like that?

I'm just telling you
the truth. We don't even know you.

You're outing one guy
and giving me abortion updates.

- I mean, what the fuck?
- You're at a party, okay?

We are mingling.
This is mingling.

This is your idea
of mingling? Peter! Hey!

Hey, man.
How you doing?

How you doing?
Did you just get here?

Yeah, pretty much.
This is my buddy.

Hey, how you doing?
Sorry. Kenny. Andre.

Nice to meet you.
How you doing, man?

I'm good.
Uh, I'd like to be better.

So, anyone?

Oh!
Oh, he brought a little friend.

Okay, maybe now
I might stay.

All right.
I like this guy. Let's go.

You wanna go
to my room? Yeah. Let's do it.

Oh. You wanna
come with, pretty Penny? No, she's not coming.

- What?
- Well, because she is pregnant,

and I don't smoke up
with girls who are pregnant.

Ha! Bullshit.

Wait.
You're pregnant?

Yeah.

Am I the father?

Seeing as you
can't get pregnant from kissing someone,

No.

Wish I was the father.

All right. Come on, Kenny-saurus.

Yeah, yeah.
We should go partake, you know?

Yeah. Yep. Okay.

Kenny, Come on. Let's go. Yep.

What's up? We're Coral Reef.

Whoo!

Uh, Margot said there
was a band in here.

Uh, yeah. Someone said
that there was a band playing.

Yeah, it got
a little crowded in here,

so I told them to move
their shit outside.

Cool. Thank you.

Beer.

Is in the fridge.

Cool.

They did these experiments
with chimps...

where they put a banana
inside of a glass jar.

And the chimps,
seeing the banana,

sticks his hand in the jar,
whose opening is barely big enough...

for his hand
to fit through, and he grabs the banana.

But the problem is...

is that he can't get
his little monkey hand with the banana out of the jar,

but he won't let go
of the banana.

What is a monkey to do?

Oh. Good monkey.

You know,

you're sort
of unpleasant.

How quickly
the monkey learns.

Come back when you
learn how to make fire, and then we can talk.

Who needs?

- Hey.
- Hey.

What's this?

- It's your birthday cake.
Don't. - Why not?

Isn't it, like,
bad luck to look at it if your candles aren't lit?

I think you're thinking
of the bride seeing the groom before the wedding.

I might be.

Who are all
of these people?

I don't know.
I think they're with the band.

What is this part
that's scraped off here?

It was a bit of a typo.

Figures.

You have
a present to open.

Oh, yay.

I wonder what it is.
Hmm.

Hmm.
What is it?

Earrings.

Wow!

You want em?
Yeah.

Take 'em.
Wait. Why don't you want them?

Because my friend Kim
only got them for me...

'cause she felt guilty
about sleeping with Paul.

She did not.

She did.

Well, she may have
awful taste in men,

but she has a good eye
for jewelry.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Don't be stupid.

It would appear
that the Parker sisters...

are not having
their best week ever.

You know, tonight I will be
looking around this party,

and I will have no idea
how many of my friends slept with Paul.

That's not Paul's,
is it? No.

Ouch.

I'm sorry.
Okay. All right.

You're allowed to say
one mean thing to me a year,

and that--
that just filled your quota for this year and the next.

I'm sorry.
I'm operating on no sleep.

What's up?

What was that?
Tha-That's our thing.

Your thing?
Mm-hmm.

Your thing is to nod
at the creepiest guy in the universe?

He's your roommate.
Yeah. Hopefully not for too much longer.

Are you sure you wanna be here?
We should just get out of here.

No. Why?

It's your birthday party, and
you're supposed to be all happy, and you just broke up with Paul.

No. He is an asshole.

I'm not gonna let
what he did ruin the rest of my life.

But you think it's all right
if it ruins one evening?

No. Fuck him.

You know why?
Because tonight, I am gonna dance.

Oh, God, please don't do that.

I am gonna
get fucking wasted.

- And you know what else?
- What?

I'm gonna kiss
a guy tonight.

- You're a maniac.
- Yeah, I know. Hol-ler.

Do you know how long it's been
since I kissed someone other than Paul?

Almost two and a half years
to the day.

I'm 30.

So that means that almost
one-tenth of my life...

has been wasted
on that fucker.

This is so gross.

It's like I haven't done
anything with my life.

Not true.
What are you talking about?

Jennifer, you're gonna open
your own gallery.

This is your dream.

Have you thought about what
you're gonna call it at all? Don't laugh.

I would never.

The Jennifer Parker Gallery.

Oh, That's-- That's--
That's clever. Yeah.

I actually feel
pretty good about it.

I've thought about that one
for kind of a long time.

Of course now
I won't have anyone to bring with me to my first exhibition.

I'm still attractive,
aren't I?

I think the last time
you asked me that, you were 15 years old.

Yeah, and I'm gonna ask you
once every 15 years.

Be honest.

Oh, come on, you're beautiful.

I'm gonna be there
for you this week.

I swear.

I am gonna hold your hand,

and I'm gonna tell you
awesome stories...

every minute that
you're at that clinic.

And I'm gonna
make you laugh, like, super hard.

But tonight...

I'm gonna have...
the best time ever.

Oh! Yeah!

Gotta wake up that
crazy Mexican inside me.

We're Swiss-Irish,
but, you know--

You ready?
No, don't do that.

That is
how I got pregnant. Mm! Oh, God.

Okay, don't wait up.
I just woke up, so--

Good luck!

Yes. I'm ready to
buy you that beer now.

I got it.

I love your earrings.

I'm afraid
to get my ears pierced--

which is weird--
because I love pain.

You love pain?

Yeah, well,
I sort of separate the world into the two "S" and "M" groups:

you know, those
who love to use the whip...

and those who love
to get whipped.

- Oh, you love
getting whipped? -

Well, it doesn't have
to be an actual whip.

You know what I mean?

So, uh, which group
would you put me into then?

Well,

you think you love the lash,

but you're actually
more comfortable administering the punishment.

It's in the way you sit
on that stool--

like you own this house
and everyone here.

Who are you?
Nikki.

Nikki, I do think
you're a little kooky.

Well, isn't everyone,
once you get to know them?

Not really.

Well, I better
get back out there.

That drummer? Super hot.

Is he?

Like a nova.

The star, not the car.

Bye!

No! How many times
are you gonna ask me that?

It was this card.
I know it was. Look. Look.

I know what
the two of clubs looks like.

Uh, it wasn't it,
so I'm sorry.

Peter, man,
just leave it.

Just-- Wait. What--
What was your card?

I believe you're supposed
to tell me that.

Magically so.

I'm gonna magically
put my foot up your ass.

That'd be a better trick
than that one. Calm down.

- Let's just go check out
this band. - I'll see you out there.

Laters.

What was your card?

Uh, I didn't want to
tell him I was actually so stoned I forgot.

Very well may have been
the two of clubs. I don't know.

You, sir, are no friend
to the world of magic.

That's true.

So,

what do you think
of the name Kenneth?

Uh, I actually think of you
when I think of the name Kenneth,

which makes me think
about a guy with nappy hair...

who doesn't know
when to stop talking.

No, I was thinking
of Kenneth as a name for the baby.

The only baby in this room...

is a guy who works
at an overpriced clothing store on Melrose.

Ow. Ice-cold Parker sisters.

Mm-hmm.
Mmm.

That's right.

Now get out of here
before I have to use the whip on you.

You don't fool me.

I don't?

Would it embarrass you
if I told you I'm going to marry you one day?

You don't stop, do you?

You charm me, Penny Parker.

God.

I can wait around as long
as it takes until you realize I charmed you too.

I'm gonna wait around outside.

What do you think?
Light the cake?

Stan, you look pale.
You should just sit down.

Okay. Yeah.

What's wrong?

I, um,

heard that Paul and Jennifer
might have broken up.

- Is that true?
- It is. As of last night.

Sorry. I kind of thought
they were perfect together.

Were they?

'Cause it was...
Jennifer and Paul.

I don't know.

What are you
squawking about?

I mean,
this is your big chance. What?

Okay, everybody knows that
you want to slip a finger or two in my sister's fancy panties.

What? No. No.

Well, you know,
you've certainly put in the time,

and she's gonna
get drunk tonight...

and she's gonna jump
somebody's bones.

No. We're friends. We're just--
We're just friends.

Okay, you know, if you're
playing for the other team,

I think that's--
I think that's really cool too.

That's fine.

Oh, okay. All right.

Thanks for the advice.
Appreciate it, Penny.

...so forget her.

Do you think
we would make good babies?

Oh, God.
No.

There was this party. It had so many people.

And you can, you know,
meet them.

Is that an appendix?

That's cruel.

Have you ever
been in Brooklyn? No.

Hi. Hey, Penny.

Hi.

Hey.
It's a fun party.

Where-- Where did--
I'm gonna go check on the birthday girl.

She knows too!
I have to get out of here.

Oh, calm down.

Just stay. It's okay.

No, it's not okay.

I thought I could get her alone
and talk to her,

but she doesn't want
to talk to me.

Did you see the disgust
in her eyes when she was talking to me before?

No, I didn't.
Well, it's there.

She's like imagining--

What are you doing?

Hey, which one of you guys
is the birthday girl?

Neither of us.
Stop that.

Come on, don't be shy.

You're just being shy
right now. Oh, my God.

Go away.

Hey, come back.

Are you Jennifer?
'Cause you totally look like a Jennifer.

- No. No, I'm not.
- Jennifer is somewhere else.

You being serious right now?

Yes.

Can you believe
this is what I do for a living?

What's going on? I don't know.

Oh, dear.

I just asked you guys
a question. What?

Excuse me. we were
in the middle of a private conversation.

Can you believe
this is what I do for a living?

I went
to fucking grad school. And you know what I'm doing?

I'm shooting
nine-year-old kids' birthday parties.

And you know
what I caught last month?

The mumps.

Catching mumps as an adult
is actually very dangerous.

You can die from it.

Can you?

Fuck that.

Hey. Oh--
Oh, there she is!

Yeah! Show me
those big eyes of yours!

Oh, baby blues.

Aw, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great.

Look at you.

Are you the birthday girl?
No, my birthday's next month.

You're being
incredibly unhelpful.

I heard he's crazy.

Oh, shit. It's Paul.

What do I do?
Pretend like you didn't see him.

What do you mean?
I'm staring at him.

He's staring at me
while I'm staring at him.

Well, turn around.

Thank you. Sure.

Kim, what are you doing?

Please don't talk to me.
You've already cost me one of my best friends.

I told you not to tell her.

And Jennifer is hardly
your best friend.

- I mean,
she thinks you're stupid. - She does not.

Look, it doesn't matter.
I need you to go get my computer, okay?

I left it in there, and I don't
want to cause a whole scene by going back inside.

No. Find someone else.

Come here.

No. I will not.

Well, Kim?

I--
What? What?

Why are you acting
like this?

I-- I really-- I really--
I hate you so much, Paul.

You don't miss me?

No.
At all?

No, I miss talking to you,
but I don't miss any of the other stuff.

Hmm.

I remember tears of joy
as I was down there last night.

I know, but I felt like
such a whore after.

- Does Jennifer really
think I'm stupid? - It doesn't matter.

Look, the important thing is
that we could be together now.

No!
Why not?

I can't be a homewrecker.
I'd rather die. Oh, my God.

Kim, the home
is already wrecked.

Kim, who cares? Really.

Like, America is
at two wars right now. We're about to start a third.

I mean,
life is too short.

You are so political.

Look, it's not gonna happen
with Jennifer and I. It's just not.

You know?
I tried to be honest with her.

She couldn't
appreciate that.

So, does that mean
I should be alone for the rest of my life?

No.
No.

Maybe, like, for like two weeks
so people don't talk.

I don't care
what people say. You don't?

No. I want to be with you.
No. You do?

Yeah. Come here.
Give me a kiss. No!

Give me a kiss.
No!

Then go get my computer.
Please?

It's got all my drawings
and designs on there.

No.

Please.

Okay. I can do that.

- Okay, hurry.
- Okay.

She is like a puppet
on a string.

Some people like
to help others.

It's an admirable trait.

What are you even doing here?

You know exactly
what I'm doing here.

Like a thief in the night.

What?

Come on, don't play games.
We don't have a lot of time.

You've got to be joking.

After you told Pam
about that girl that we picked up?

I didn't
tell her anything.

Those pictures
were on my computer, and she saw them.

Really?

Take 'em off.

Sit down.

No.

Isn't that that guy Paul? And is that--

Shut up.

Hey, asshole!

Hey!

- What the fuck!
- You better get out of here before I call the cops.

You don't even live here!
Shut up, bitch!

Jesus Christ!
You're out of your mind!

What's going on?

Penny,
she's got my computer.

Just give it to me
and I'll get out of here.

- What are you doing?
- Okay, great.

Those are my drawings,
my designs! Fuck!

- Paul!
- That was awesome!

You threw it out the window
as if it was--

Penny is a Nazi.

Jennifer acts like she owns
the world and pisses perfume.

Not that bad.

Can't wait till life
smacks them around some.

Fuck.

How do I look?

- Um--
- Where's the bathroom?

There's two.
One down the hallway. There's one down there.

People seem to like
to walk away while I'm talking.

- Oh, dude.
- She went to town.

Stan!

Man, she made
such a big deal.

Did you see that?
What a fuckin' mess.

That was badass.

Aw! You're walking away.

If you would turn around--
Where are you guys going?

Which one of you
is the birthday girl?

Hey! Just go away.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Give me that.

Okay. There we go.
Oh, my God.

Stan, can you
do something about this?

Give me a smile.
Okay. All right, all right, all right.

Stop, stop, stop.
Let's take a break, big guy.

This is how I make my living.
I know. I know. I know.

I take photographs.

Stan, the unlikely watchdog.

He's my tiny little poodle
with the big bite.

How many of those
have you had?

Not enough.

Relax. It's my birthday.

Okay?

What--
What happened here?

Don't worry about it.
Where were you?

When?

Just now I went
looking for you.

Oh. Just now?

Just now I was with Marco.

Who's that?

I have no idea.
But I kissed him.

You did not.
I did.

You slut.
I know.

How was it?

I don't know. It was weird.
It wasn't-- It wasn't like kissing Paul.

Good.
Don't do it again.

Why shouldn't I kiss him again?
Because you're not of sound mind right now.

You just broke up
with your boyfriend.

Besides, you should just
try being single for once in your entire life.

I am. That's why
I'm trying to, like,

you know,
get back in the game,

get it over with.

Don't do that.
That's what guys do.

It is?
Yeah, they get dumped,

and then they go out
and they fuck the first thing they see.

It's gross.
But we don't do that?

No.
Why not?

Because we have class
and we have style,

and our maturity levels
are off the charts.

I mean, seriously, if we were
dating our male equivalents maturity-wise,

we would probably
be dating a guy that was 140 years old.

- Jennifer!
- Marco!

What was that?

That was Marco.

What's up
with the hand signals? Is he deaf?

He doesn't speak any English.
What is he doing in America?

As far as I'm concerned--

he's here to make out
with me on my birthday.

Hello?

Vladimir.

Are you having any trouble
finding the place?

Oh.

Okay, can I buy you lunch
on Monday, and we can talk about everything.

Okay.

No, I understand. Thank you.

What did he say?

He thought
about it and he...

is deciding
to stay with Pace.

Shit.

Where does that leave you?

With four walls
and nothing to hang on them.

God, get this thing
away from me.

Look at what you almost did.
Good.

On three.

One, two--

God, that hurts. -

I need a medic.

What the fuck
are you doing here? He twisted his ankle.

No way. You get him out of here right now.

I can't walk, okay?
He's hurt!

- Do you have any ice?
- No, not for him.

- We do not have
any fucking ice. - Use these!

How did you hurt yourself?
Who cares?

The two of you get him out
to the curb right now.

We were trying to jump the fence
and he fell down and he twisted his ankle.

Um, why are you with Kim?

We're dating now.

I'm sorry. Since when?

Since you dumped him.

Um, since she came
to her senses. He's a cheating piece of shit.

- You guys need to go.
- Look, things happen.

You don't have to get
so upset about it, Penny.

You know what?
You fucking deserve each other.

- Paul and I are going
to be happy together. - I'm sure you will be.

Kim, we can just talk
about this in private. Oh.

You guys need
to leave right now.

You know, just--
What do we need to talk about?

What a great idea.
Why don't you talk about the fact...

that his fingers
actually smell like your friend Amanda's pussy.

That's a great
conversation starter.

Paul!
Uh--

She has no credibility.
You gonna listen to her?

You guys need to leave
right fucking now! What, me?

Yes!
Why?

You do not get
to break my heart...

and then sit there
with your feet up.

Jennifer, please,
could you not be hysterical?

- I've really hurt myself.
- You're hurt on the outside.

The outside actually heals,
you prick!

- Ow!
- Good! I hope it fucking hurts!

- Give me that.
- Oh!

Ow! Oh, God.

- All right, yeah.
- Oh, my God.

- Come on. Once is enough.
- Is it okay? Does it look bad?

Oh, my God.
She's fucking crazy!

I just wanna smash
his smug face. I know. I know.

- Why did you tell me?
- Tell you what?

Why did you wait until
the day before my birthday...

to tell me you were sleeping
with other women?

I thought somebody
was going to tell you.

So what?

So I thought
if I told you first, you wouldn't hate me.

I don't want you
to hate me, Jennifer.

- Of course
I fucking hate you! - We gotta get out of here.

- Why?
- 'Cause, God, you're such a stupid little boy.

No. Come on.
You know what?

The reason I didn't want you
to design my gallery...

is because you're
an awful architect.

Hey, don't say things
you can't take back.

That's why you can't get a job,
because you're fucking terrible.

That is below the belt,
and you know that.

And I didn't want any money
from your dad...

because he's a creepy,
drunken asshole,

which is exactly
what you're gonna be before you fucking know it.

- I don't even drink.
- Fuck you, Paul.

Oh, God.
She assaulted you.

Should we call the police?
No.

See if there's any
other frozen vegetables for his nose.

I just wanna get out of here.
Well, you can't move.

I know. That's why
I need your help.

Come on.
Here.

Good.

Okay.
Oh, wait. My computer.

- It's right over there.
- And get his shoes too.

Oh, yeah.
My shoes are right there. Thank you.

- What the fuck?
- No, It's not what it looks like.

Hey, man--
What the fuck.

Not the face, please.

Tony!

What the fuck
are you doing?

I'm out getting the band,
and you decide to fuck around with this guy?

- Fuck that.
- You left me here.

I told you I'm coming back.
You didn't say anything. You just left.

Well, I'm here right now.

Look at those pussies.

Let's go out there
and show these motherfuckers what a real band sounds like.

Tony!

Who was that?
I don't know.

It was Tony.
He's in a band. Why did he hit you?

I don't know.
Just get me out of here. Okay.

My computer.
Yup. Need that.

Okay.

What are those?
Oh, that's my handkerchief.

Okay.
Don't worry about it.

All right.
Here we go.

No, actually, it is kind of weird and ridiculous,

and I don't understand
is what I'm saying.

I don't understand
what you don't understand.

It's like I went
to some alternate universe where magic is a turn-on.

Hey, ready to hit it, babe?

- Yes, please.
- Get me out of here.

Yeah, someone
punch me in the face so I can wake up from this.

- Hey, you should come with us.
- No. No, never.

I'm not going anywhere
where people like your shitty card tricks.

Tell him.
Tell him who's gonna be there.

Oh, it's just gonna be
some math students from UCLA.

I don't like one word
in that sentence. Oh.

Well, does your friend have
a problem with Asian girls? I guess.

- I'm sorry. Asian girls?
- Drunk, hot Asian girls.

- Drunk, hot Asian girls.
- Give me those cards.

Let me see those cards.
Go, go, go. Before he comes. Before he comes.

...but she was fine.
No, no, no. Sit down.

Fine.
Sit down.

There's something wrong
with Brent.

Okay, look. He has
a problem, but he takes medication, so he's fine.

- What if he doesn't
take his medication? - Don't worry about that.

But Brent told me earlier
that he had, in fact, stopped taking his pills.

Brent?

Look, Stan, it's fine.

Okay? I'm fine.
I'm cured.

Okay, but that's
not how it works.

If you get a stomachache
and take medicine and you feel better,

you stop taking
the medication.

You don't take it
for the rest of your natural life.

That's like not how things
are supposed to work.

Look, are you gonna be okay,
or am I going to have to call your mom?

Yeah, good luck.

There are no phones
on Mars, so--

My mother goes to Mars...
for the outlet sales,

and I tell her
we have sales here.

I need you to watch him
for me, okay?

I don't have time
for this. I can't.

Crazy people make me
feel very uncomfortable.

No. No.
I've seen him way worse.

That makes me feel
so much better.

Why are you
doing this now anyway?

This party is in trouble.
It could use the cake.

Cake to the rescue.
Right.

Get the door.
Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not a bad person.
I help people when I can.

I give money to things.

Charities.

Tell me the truth.
Do you think I'm a bad person?

Yes.

Jesus, you see right through me.

Yes.

Okay, you can come home
with me tonight,

but no fooling around, okay?

Yes?

Ohh. Let's go.

Come on, sexy.

Oh, by the way,
I usually wear underwear.

Check that out.

Kenneth.
Pamela.

It's like the Cookie Monster
walked in here.

So loud.
Hungry.

Did I hear right?
Are you dating a cop?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

She didn't want to see me.
Really?

Yeah. She was
into some other cop...

about 10 years older
than me.

Irish. Married.

Well, she sounds stupid.
Yeah, she is.

Plus, I'm in love with someone else.

I know.

I wanna be in love.

You will be.

You think anyone
will ever throw me a party?

I'll throw you one
next week.

Better be wings.
Oh, there's gonna be wings.

Chili?
Chili. Yeah.

Probably blue cheese.
No. Can't have a party without blue cheese.

Mm-mmm.
Blue cheese makes parties.

Why is Stan following
Jennifer with that cake? I don't know.

Jesus, I'm stoned.

You're seeing
this stuff too, right?

I am, but I think--

Oh! That's no--

- Watch out. Watch out.
- Watch out. Stan.

Stan.

- This mean there's
not gonna be cake? - Fuck off, Kenny!

I'm sorry.
I don't know why I bother.

Then don't.

Penny, will you just be quiet?

Where's Brent?

Stan, what can I do?

Nothing. Nothing, just...
do whatever you want.

That's what you do anyway.

Hey, who makes a girl go
to her a birthday party...

after she just broke up
with her boyfriend of three years?

Okay, it's two and a half,
and I'm fine.

I've already made out with
an Italian exchange student.

That's what I'm sayin'.

Unbelievable.

Oh, what? You wanted him
for yourself?

Okay, that's the 30th time
you've implied that I'm gay.

Well, if the implication fits.

Whatever.

You know you never made it
out of your sister's shadow.

What?

Didn't work during
your bulimic years.

It's not working
with the one-night stands.

- Whoa, shut up, Stan.
- You will never be as beautiful as your sister is.

No wonder you get knocked up.
You need some attention around here.

- Stan.
- Whoa, Stan. Knock it off. What are you doing?

She can make fun of me.
She can say whatever the fuck she wants--

but I can't bring up the abortion?

We can talk about anything
you want to talk about.

Okay, let's see how many jokes
you crack when your feet are in the stirrups on Thursday.

Stan, that's enough.
What are you doing?

Wow.

I hope that felt good.

Wow.

I think this party's over.

Stan, you're just a very pleasant host.

Thank you very much
for having us.

All right, party's over.

Gotta get out of here.
I'm gonna stay. I used to live here.

No. You don't live here anymore.
Get out. She's right. I'm gonna leave.

Everybody, oh, my God, the cops are coming!

They're coming. Oh, my God!
Get out of here right now.

Good-bye. Get out.

They're coming.
Guys, the cops are coming. Get out!

Get out!
Can we talk about this?

Look, I'm not gonna talk
about this right now. Right now!

Right now. Get out.
Oh, my God!

Run!
I kicked a girl in the nuts.

Oh, my God!

Get off your bong
and run. Looks bitchin', douchebag.

We remodeled it.
Thank you.

This party
was a really nice idea.

Nice.
Yeah.

Yeah, nice.

Seems to be
my problem lately, huh?

Stan, come on.

There we go.

Now we can sit
on the couch and curl up...

and watch old movies,
like we were supposed to do.

What?

This is so unnecessary.

Sorry, Edwin.
No, no, no. Don't be. I have sisters.

Do they cry
all the time?

Um--

No, no. Hey, here.

There.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Uh, we should have
a party for you.

Okay.

I hated you
for the first eight years of my life.

Did you?

I think I was kind of
difficult back then.

Okay, there we go, buddy.

Let's just make
a left here. Here we go.

Brent, please tell me
where your clothes are.

Shh.
No, sir! Not today!

No, no. No, no.
I got him. I got him.

Here we go. Here we go.
You got him?

Just go outside.

Get him!

Okay.

Whew.

Yeah.

Mmm.
Hi.

What are you two
doing up?

What's going on?

Nothing.

You know what?
I don't want to know. It's too early.

Oh, God.
It's such a mess.

All right--
We're having a baby.

- Sorry. I didn't--
- What?

I mean, she's having the baby.
I'm not gonna have the baby.

Okay, please stop
saying "baby."

We're having a baby, so I got to say baby at some point.

Kenny, can you just, like,
give us a second?

Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry. Um--
Please?

Bye, baby.

God.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Whoa.

How about that?

Penny, I'm gonna hop
in the shower. I'm gonna use your shampoo.

No, don't do that.
It's only meant for blonde people.

This is just a ploy for me
to get in the shower with you.

And you know what?
It's not working.

No, it's gonna work. Okay. All right. I'll do it.

Hi. Uh, Brent,
you may not remember me,

but, um, I'm actually
the birthday girl from last night.

I chased you out of my house.

Um, it was kind of
a weird birthday, huh?

I got was a pair of earrings
from a former friend who completely betrayed me--

Well, not that
you need to know that, but--

And a doormat
that was stolen from my neighbor.

It doesn't really matter.
But, um--

Sorry. I'm a little
out of it today.

You know, you actually
left your photographs here,

and I'm looking at them
right now,

and they're--
they're really good.

Um--

Brent, I think we should
do something together.

God, that sounds like
I want to sleep with you.

Look, I'm actually
opening up my own gallery,

and I would love to show
some of your stuff.

So, uh, if and when
you're properly medicated--

But give me a call.

This is Jennifer Parker,
by the way.