Original subtitles

I just got fully turned around.

How is that even possible?

It's getting tougher. The weather's getting tougher.

Oh, [bleep].

It's a massive challenge

to keep myself mentally and physically healthy.

What the [bleep]?

We got another bunny.

Oh, got another one.

Here's another bunny.

This is going to be a wild day.

Brings us to 51 bunnies.

Can't see me losing this game.

There's a little bit of smoke buildup in my shelter.

But the worst is not the smoke. It's actually the steam.

And as the temperature drops, the steam is getting worse.

There's just no way I'm going to be able to [bleep] last

with this [bleep] shelter.

Oh, [bleep].

If this chimney would crack or collapse,

I would really have serious problem.

Chimney, [bleep] you.

Oh, my.

I've been so grateful for the food

that I've already got these past 50 days.

Let's go!

This morning, we're going to check our trap lines.

♪ You gotta believe, you gotta believe ♪

♪ You gotta believe ♪

♪ You gotta believe there's a fish in your trout line ♪

♪ You gotta believe there's a hare in your snare ♪

♪ You gotta believe there's a squirrel hanging from a pole ♪

♪ And a moose is taken with your bow ♪

Come on, everybody.

♪ You gotta believe, you gotta believe, you gotta believe ♪

♪ You gotta believe your hair isn't just one knot ♪

♪ You gotta believe your bad guts will go away ♪

♪ You gotta believe you won't be alone forever ♪

♪ You gotta believe you can make it one more night ♪

♪ You gotta believe you can lean into the fight ♪

♪ One more day alone is enough ♪

Oh!

We got a hare.

We're back, baby. We're back.

Hold on.

I'm going to keep you there because you're literally,

I don't know, right next to my camp.

Hare, camp. Hare, camp.

We're going to go check the other traps.

Oh, wow. OK, well, that was a nice little treat.

And the thing that I keep thinking about the most

these past couple weeks are how I feel like

I have changed out here.

Like, I almost don't even recognize myself.

I walk through life normally with my chin up

and my shoulders back with this identity

of being strong and secure and confident.

And out here,

I just feel like I've been vulnerable and teary-eyed.

And I wouldn't say weak,

I'm just leaning a very different presence.

Shut the [bleep] up.

Oof, sorry. Excuse my French.

I got another hare.

Wow, two hares today.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Oh, my God.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Wow, OK.

This is amazing.

I always have leaned into emotions.

You know, I do believe to feel is to exist.

I'd rather feel truly, madly, deeply than to not at all.

I want to go through the pain, I want to be sad,

because on the other side of that is love and happiness.

I can't believe that. Oh, thank God.

We have food.

You have to go through ebbs and flows.

And I know that everything is a journey out here.

But my identity, like who I feel at my core,

feels very different.

You know, very convenient bag.

Keep getting a whiff of fire.

I mean, in fairness, it's probably me.

But anyway, we're going to eat some rabbit, so let's do that.

It's really interesting to see who you become

without having to put on a mask,

without having to be around people.

You become who you are, the essence of your core.

And it's like, are you becoming a new person

or are you saying hello

to the person you've been this whole time?

Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about.

Everything I do causes blindness.

Even eating.

God, I feel like this steam is worse than the smoke.

It is getting pretty warm in here.

I'll tell you that, though.

Smoke, though, we gotta figure it out.

I am having some regrets

about having a central fire in my shelter.

The steam was not something that I predicted.

And what's happening is, because the roof is so low,

the steam is becoming a cloud cover for the smoke.

And the smoke is not able to exit

in the way that I had planned.

I can't even eat this 'cause of the [bleep] steam!

Ugh!

It's getting in my [bleep] eyes and my eyes are burning.

Ow.

This is so much steam.

I can't see.

Wow.

I gotta figure out a solution to this fire.

It's cold, man.

And I don't know how cold it is,

but...

These bunnies are frozen.

Can't even peel her [bleep] legs.

That guy's legs just snapped off.

Weather's gotten chilly.

Some mornings I'm like, oh, it feels like minus 10,

but then it's like

I'm getting frost on my beard really quick.

I'm like, this isn't normal for minus 5 to 10,

so maybe it's 10 to 20.

Holy [bleep].

But my hands and my toes can bug me.

My hands are really bad.

Not fun doing these guys frozen.

But if I have a fire, I can do whatever I need to do.

And then I just go to the fire and warm up.

That's three bunnies.

As long as I have fire, I'm fine.

And I'll get this guy cooked.

Hopefully it lights, 'cause I'm frozen.

Put the ferro rod away.

I haven't had a fire in the shelter yet.

We're not burning our sleeping bag.

We're not getting smoke asphyxiation.

We just gotta play the smart game.

Getting to the point wherever only the strong will be here.

It's getting chilly.

I think we ought to try to get him because it's fish bait.

I don't need to eat him, but I know the fish like squirrel.

I'm definitely desperate to get something fatty.

Can't just be eating rabbits.

[bleep].

[bleep].

Oh, my God.

He's sure-- holy [bleep].

Oh, no.

Oh, [bleep]. Oh, no.

[bleep].

That is not good.

These are the mistakes you don't make, guys.

And I'm making 'em.

I cannot believe I just did that.

What a dumb [bleep] idiot.

Guess this will just be my fire-tending glove.

Got the other gloves.

I just got to be super smart with them

'cause they're rubber.

This could be over in two days or a month and a half.

We don't know, so we gotta play smart.

No hovering over the fire.

No doing stupid sh-- stuff like that.

Putting on winter bibs, keeping the winter jacket on.

I don't need to get sick.

[bleep].

Seems as I get deeper into this competition

and the weather gets colder and nastier,

my mental and emotional stability

has been going up and down.

I'm having more frequently bad days.

I think I might have a fire tonight.

Doing like the next hour just so

if it doesn't work out that good,

we can open the door,

fix what we have to.

I don't want to build a fire inside

because I don't want the possibility of sheltered fire.

But I'm coming to the realization

the weather is garbage.

My hands are freezing. My feet are cold.

This is the only thing I can do.

Just a little fire to take the chill away.

Trying to be happy, positive.

And we need to turn a bad situation into a win.

What's going on, guys?

Um, got the fireplace working.

There's a little bit of precipitation

that I don't like in here.

You can see my breath and stuff 'cause of the cold air higher.

Lower air is hot.

But it's working.

So it's just a waiting game now

until Melissa comes and gets me.

This moisture is insane, though.

I don't like that.

A lot of it is the mud.

So once that dries out, man, I'm telling you,

I think I got it.

I just have to clean the camera every 30 seconds.

There's like a film on my sleeping bag, even.

But, yeah, it's too hard to film right now.

Have a good night.

Things are getting very difficult now

with this chimney. Oh, man.

And if you look down the base,

it's not completely dry at some part.

So where I want to put clay?

So one, it's here.

Then it's--

yeah, I realized, I mean, here is where I burned my gloves.

Another place where I want to put more clay,

see, this part dried faster than this part.

And here is one huge crack.

And I want to make this thicker

just to avoid any breaking I'm getting there.

So I mean, I think that when I have these doors

and extra insulation, I will be fine.

But for now with this moisture, I have to keep the fire going

at least for a couple of days now.

First thing I really need to do

is doors and insulation are needed.

Then clay work these final small cracks

that no smoke gets out and stuff like that.

OK, I think it's time for doors.

Hey, birdy.

I feel that I'm in quite good position

even for winning this competition.

Quite cool.

If I want to keep on going,

I have to eat a lot, and very caloric food.

And also a lot of projects because each day,

the time of sunlight is getting shorter and shorter,

and it will disappear at some point.

Well, I think that's good enough.

Especially towards the end,

it might become more mental game than hunger game.

I will now try to fill as much

of these doors with moss

as much as possible.

So this is why it's very important

to keep your mind occupied with projects.

Man, this shelter is becoming so cozy.

It's also fun to do them.

And there are many never-ending projects

like shelter.

The doors are filled with moss.

Let's check it out. Check it out.

So that's it. Doors are done.

OK, chimney. I have to fill this with clay.

Holy crap.

Holy, holy, holy, holy crap.

OK, very quick, fixing with clay.

No.

Damn it.

OK. [bleep]. [bleep], [bleep].

[bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep].

OK. That's very bad now.

What I was afraid actually happened.

Yeah, I shouldn't have done it this way.

I knew from the beginning, but--

OK.

Time to think what to do.

So one option would be--

and probably the best one, to cut this straight

and cut this straight and put one on each other.

So then I can just join them together.

And it would give stability

just by standing one on each other.

OK, [bleep]. That's not a good day.

I definitely feel overwhelmed.

I have to find a solution quite quick.

First, I'm going to cut the chimney

so the lower part doesn't have a slope, but it's straight.

OK.

I never thought about chimney might break

or stuff like that.

But now I really have to be prepared.

OK, now it's horizontal,

but I'm really afraid that I will break more than needed.

So in the morning, I had fire and chimney.

Now I don't have fire nor chimney.

OK.

Here is the plan.

I will cut also this one approximately straight.

Ah, [bleep].

And I don't have fire.

So it's a--

it is a challenging day.

That's going to be the final hole.

I just can't get out of this loop of chimney repairing.

Seems like a never-ending story.

Yeah, damn it.

Check this out.

Solid ice.

Last night was super cold,

as cold as we've had by a long way.

So this is going to need thawing out.

It's really starting to get cold now.

In the night, I can hear strange sounds

as the ice forms on the river.

It's like a creaking sound. It's quite eerie.

First of all, let's check the snares,

see if there's anything in those.

So I'm heading into a difficult period where

I'm probably days away from being able

to walk on the ice and ice fish,

so I'm likely to have to rely on whatever I can get on land,

so that's most likely things like varying hare.

I don't want to spend too much time out today

if I can avoid it.

This is a whole different world from what I'm used to.

I'm seriously going to need to keep myself

wrapped up as much as I can.

Wales is a very temperate climate.

It very rarely gets below zero and we hardly ever get snow.

I've traveled.

I've spent a lot of time in Sweden, Norway, and Canada,

but I've never been this far north.

It's surreal, really.

There's not much new sign.

Looks pretty quiet.

Oh, no.

I spoke too soon.

Got a varying hare.

Wow, wow, wow.

I would love to have more things to eat,

but the hares keep coming

and I'm going to keep eating the hares.

And I'm very grateful for them.

And I've just spotted something.

I've got another hare caught in a trap.

OK.

Believe me, I take absolutely no pleasure from that.

I've got another hare.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Wow. What a morning.

One hare.

Two hares. Boom.

We can keep doing this until-- well, until the hares run out.

And I'm very acutely aware of rabbit starvation.

But since it's the only food I have,

I'm just having to do what I can,

which means eating the brains, which are fatty,

kidneys and liver, and hoping that

I'm getting enough nutrients to compensate for the fact

that I'm eating a lot of very, very lean meat.

Whoa. Right.

I need to get this fire going and keep it going.

So I'm going to have some offal

and a little bit of the meat today.

And then tomorrow, I'll have another half of one.

And that's going good. Oh.

Ah, [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep].

[bleep].

Ah, [bleep] cramp.

Oh, [bleep].

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

I keep getting it now.

It's a--a symptom of--

Salt deprivation, I think.

Oh, [bleep].

Oh, man. Oh.

I keep getting it in my feet and my legs.

I can stretch it out.

If I stay in one position for more than a few minutes,

it kicks in.

Really hoping to keep the cramp at bay tonight,

so I'm going to do my stretches now.

It's definitely something

that seems to be happening more now.

And I'm pretty sure that's down to a isotonic imbalance.

So if these cramps keep getting worse,

that's going to be another headache.

Oh, right.

Oh, man. Feel a bit better for that.

Hopefully, that'll stop the cramp kicking in tonight.

Oh, all right. OK.

I'm just taking each day as it comes at the moment.

It does worry me that

my body's not performing the way I want it to.

So I'm just going to take it easy today,

try and eat something, keeping myself hydrated.

So I've got my spruce tea,

so that's always a good step in the right direction.

And I'm going to be eating those brains,

eyeballs, you name it.

The kidneys, they are the only thing that

has any kind of salty flavor.

And I don't know if they do contain much salt,

but they definitely taste like they do.

So they're, uh, they're definitely worth seeking out.

So hopefully, I'll-- I won't get any cramp tonight.

We shall see.

Holy, I just, uh,

went to go take a pee, and then my stomach is like--

I don't know.

Maybe the bunny I ate yesterday was

a little bit raw or something or I don't know,

my stomach didn't agree with it.

But holy,

it's one of those get your pants off

as fast as you can moments.

Feet feel like they're going to freeze off.

It's that damn fire.

Last night, I had a fire, and things didn't go very good.

Zero, zero, and zero.

That's not a good start.

I don't like the design of my shelter.

It's not keeping warm.

I've kind of made a couple critical errors.

Man, I don't know what to do.

When I built the chimney, I obviously built it too small.

I made it about 8 inches.

And then when I put the mud in,

it obviously choked it too much.

Get rid of it.

So I needed to make the chimney, say, 12 inches,

which would have gave me an 8-inch hole,

which would have ventilated the fire with the smoke.

There's a hole in the side.

I'm going to have to do some patch work.

I think I'll sleep with my boot liners

in the sleeping bag.

We're getting past that threshold now where

I need to warm my body up and then keep it warm.

I just got to play the smart game.

The first 30 to 40 days, I felt unstoppable.

But now that it's getting colder, it's getting longer,

I'm starting to see some cracks.

So you want to be on "Alone," do you?

Do you want your feet to damn near feel like

they're going to fall off?

Hike miles and miles and miles?

Starve, have no fat in your diet?

Don't talk to a human in freaking weeks?

Well, then you're the right person.

'Cause this is what we do out here.

All that hiking for nothing. Produced diddly squat.

Think I'm coming down with something too,

like a stomach bug or--

I don't know, man.

[bleep].

Oh, I gotta be more careful on those transitions.

Damn.

Oh, my mind wants to go home today, boys.

The demons are battling.

Out here, I feel my emotions cannot be distracted.

I can't turn on the TV. I can't play on my phone.

Pretty, uh, crazy how I can go from, like,

mentally rock solid, emotionally rock solid.

And then, like, I would have paid a lot of money

for a couple phone calls today.

Been nice to talk to Melissa. Yeah.

Man, I miss her so much. I understand it now.

I can see why people tap now.

It's like you want to just hear their voice so bad.

But it's like, yeah, I can do that so quickly,

but I got to trade my dreams,

my aspirations.

So easy sitting on the couch watching this

being like, oh, man, just suck it up.

I was that guy.

We need to suffer, though.

This is part of it, man.

It's all sunshine and roses the first month.

Second month gets a bit, OK, now we're into it.

And I have issues that I need to resolve.

Here's a little bit of a bombshell.

Me and Melissa, we've been separated for two years.

I didn't tell anybody in the cast or the production.

I didn't want it to look like I had any chinks in my armor.

We're pretty much kinda getting back together.

But it's just we don't know.

It's, uh it's weird how it--

this game plays on your emotions.

Let's see if we can rebound,

battle through it, and come back.

We're going to have a talk with ourself tonight,

reel it back in, lock in, and find our groove again.

What?

Feel like I'm back at the clubs.

No, I never did that.

OK, that's not true. I did. I did.

It actually is, believe it or not,

slightly less smoky than yesterday.

So what I've done is I've opened the bullboat further.

I mean, I've opened up the bullboat pretty significantly

to make that smoke escape a bit better.

I mean, I can breathe.

It's not as clear as it should be, but I can breathe.

Definitely some steam.

And some condensation.

But overall, it's actually not as bad as it has been,

so that's good.

I don't want to jinx it, but it's good.

Well, we're gonna eat this rabbit.

You know, I really worry sometimes

about how I'm going to be portrayed.

You know, my full-time job is

I own my own company where I teach people skills.

But this is a whole other arena, what I'm doing.

You know?

Oh, that's never fun getting in and out of that.

I teach survival.

You know, I teach emergency preparedness.

I teach how to get out of sticky situations.

This is wilderness living.

This is different. This takes guts.

Today, I'm going to pluck some spruce boughs

to use for ice fishing.

OK.

The spruce boughs,

we're actually going to go into the hole

which we create when we break through the ice,

drop the line in.

So the boughs will be essentially

a block for the ice to freeze solid

and that each morning, I could break the ice

with ease to check the lines.

I was very warm last night.

So that gave me a lot of hope.

That can push me through the next three weeks

despite the fact that

I'm pretty sure I cooked my eyeballs.

I'm starting to notice that my eyes are becoming

way more sensitive to the steam and smoke.

The recovery time from the steam exposure

is getting longer.

My eyes--

I wouldn't say they hurt. They're just really irritated.

You know, I have a lot on the line.

I travel across the country teaching people skills.

And here I am, struggling with smoke.

The skills part is easy.

But even then, I've made some mistakes.

Oh, no.

Ugh.

I could have chose an easier shelter to build.

But you know, I didn't come here to play it safe.

It's definitely a gamble

because I know that there is a possibility

for people to judge my performance highly.

There's this pressure from my peers

and my audience to do well.

But it's well on their terms.

And that's what's a little frustrating

because I get to determine what doing well means.

People are going to think whatever they want to think.

I'm really doing this for me.

And if anybody wants to go out and judge my experience,

you can go get off the couch

and apply to the show next year and prove me wrong.

Yeah, I feel like it's time to get warm.

Let's go down and check the gill net and the weir.

Bit of a later start today, but on Nero time.

So start whenever I want.

I've been thinking about my relationship with my dad

growing up, and just not a lot of time spent together.

He was just working a lot of the time.

And we'd go through little bits and pieces,

the stereotypical playing ball

or, you know, camping or hikes or whatever it is.

The one thing that he always went back to was fishing.

Yeah, buddy.

The cold temperatures have brought

another coney into the mix.

Yes.

Coney time.

Coney time. Yes.

It's not guaranteed yet, though.

Gotta get it on shore.

Oh, it's a good-sized one, too.

All right, come on.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Now a good, good size inconnu.

Yes.

Gill net has been working, but you know,

I don't just sit back and do nothing.

It's about still just trying different means.

And not only is it calories coming in,

but it's the variety that's going to prolong my time here.

I'm gonna put you back in the water just for time being.

All my life, I've been looking for external validation

because I haven't had the confidence in who I am.

Oh, let's get you scaled straight up.

And it's always looking for something external,

somebody else to give me reassurance

about who I am and whether I'm loved

or worthy of love and people's attention.

Oh, this guy's pretty tough on the scales.

I felt like just being me was never enough

because from my experience growing up,

it was never enough to get the love

and attention that I wanted.

Some of this straight in the pot.

So I feel like I just needed to push and do more

and be more to try and get what I thought

was missing and what everybody else seemed to have.

Oh yeah, it's a good first meal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, let's get these gill nets sorted out.

And now, I've come to a place where I have that,

that inner resolve and that inner clarity

in knowing not only who I am but knowing that I am loved

and that I am special and worthy.

Thank you, Mr. Inconnu,

for not messing up my gill net too bad.

Last few pike have been pretty violent.

And damn, that placement's pretty damn good too.

Because of this experience,

for the first time in my life,

I know and love myself regardless of anything else.

Oh, [bleep].

Oh, [bleep].

[bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep].

Not good.

Not good.

Wrong step. Wrong step.

Wrong step.

Gotta get back, get some firewood in,

and get back and get dry.

Dry, dry, dry.

That sucked.

That was above-the-knee submersion.

Then I put my left hand out.

Water went all into my left mitt as well.

I've got a fresh change of thermals.

My pot's full of food.

So I can essentially just bunker down now

and just dry out all my stuff.

So in that regards, really thankful.

That was a good reminder I should be smarter

and I should clear that and make sure

that's all very, very accurate

with where to actually step.

Could have been worse.

Let's get yous dry.

It's not a straightforward decision

to choose to come on "Alone."

That's really good.

Really, really good.

There's a lot of risks,

not necessarily to do with the environment,

all of that, absolutely is something to consider.

But you're also putting yourself out there

to be seen, to be judged,

and there's a lot of things that are outside your control

that can really impact and dictate your journey

and how your experience is going to be.

Oh, that's good. Yeah.

And to do that publicly is-- yeah, it's scary.

That's really nice as well.

There's things that you kind of have in mind

how you'd like your experience to be

and the story that you'd like to share.

But life doesn't play out that way.

Life just happens the way it happens.

And you just need to adjust

and accept that you're vulnerable.

Like, it was never my intention to come out here

and work on my relationship with my dad.

I was lying in my sleeping bag.

And--

I--

I thought about my dad.

And...

Internally, I've been very critical of him.

And resentful because...

You know, for me, as a child,

you know, I just wish that he was around more.

And spent more time with him.

But he just worked a lot.

Just like--

Just spent so much time, sacrificed so much of his time

and his life working.

To look after us and to provide for us.

He'd do anything for us.

He still would do anything for me.

He would.

If I needed help...

And asked, at the drop of a hat,

he would come and do it.

He's given so much to support.

And do what he thought was right.

And here I've been just resentful.

Holding a grudge.

And he did exactly what I'd do for my son.

I'd do anything for him.

I'd go through that for him.

And have I ever really, truly said thank you?

And shown my gratitude to my dad?

Thank you, Dad.

I love you.

And you know, the thing is...

I came out here

to learn and grow,

to become a better father for my son.

I didn't realize

what else I needed to do is come out here to become

a better son for my own dad.

You deserve more.

You deserve a better son.

When I get back, I want to spend more time with my dad.

Cramp started again.

Oh, God.

Good morning.

Wow, it was a wild one last night.

It's still a bit wild now.

It's, uh, it's been pretty windy.

And the floor of my shelter

is covered with spindrift snow

which has just blown in through the chimney.

However, my bed is completely snow-free,

so that makes me a very happy bunny.

Um, right, OK, so this is the view this morning.

There's a fair amount of extra snow overnight.

Right, let's have a quick check of the local snares.

Temperature's dropping quite a lot,

so that seems to indicate that the snow

may be over for a while.

And as tough as it is to have low temperatures...

I'm finding the snow is more difficult to manage.

It sort of covers up all the tracks.

No fox tracks, no-- no anything.

This is-- it's a worry, really,

because if there's no game, there's no food.

Wow, the snow is deep here. Look at this.

And I'm wearing these bibs.

I'm going to need them.

This is going to be slow going today.

It's my first snare here. There's nothing in that.

Let's move that around a little bit.

I've had a pretty good run. I've had quite a few hares.

But the weather became a lot more unsettled.

The winds can be pretty strong,

and that causes snow drifts.

There's a run through here as well.

I mean, some of the snares have been completely buried.

Nothing in that one.

I'll move that one up a bit.

Those that aren't completely covered

are moved out of position.

And as a result, my ability to catch hares

has diminished quite significantly.

So it's getting tough, definitely getting tough.

Every step is just brutal punishment.

And there's got to be an easier way of getting hares.

Or any kind of food, for that matter.

So I shall go back.

I've found myself in a position where

I'm not having any success fishing.

The foraging is not happening

because there's too much snow out.

All the berries are covered.

And my one source of food,

suddenly now, I can't catch them.

I can't honestly see this going on another month or more.

Just not much prospect of getting any more food, really.

This is definitely one of the toughest parts.

You know, I've had a few periods

of starvation before now in the early stages.

But at this stage, it's far more serious

because I just have no body weight to spare.

So a gap in my ability to actually trap hares

suddenly has become a pretty serious threat

to my ability to function.

I hate returning home empty-handed.

Oof, wow.

You would not believe how hard everything becomes

when you are in a calorie deficit.

Oh, my God.

Wow, and what a mess. Look at me. God.

Nature and the outdoors is an unforgiving place.

And today was one of those days

that reminds you of how unforgiving it can be

and how poorly my body is performing

under the circumstances.

There's a little piece of me that just

wants to push that button.

And I can just sit back, sip a cup of coffee,

and I won't have to worry about the struggle anymore.

There's a lot of people out here

that perform at a very high level

within the world of bushcraft and survival skills.

But this is a massive, massive challenge

regardless of how skilled or experienced you are.

Real hardship, real starvation.

And it's painful.

That's enough of monkey business.

I think as a younger man,

I wouldn't have been able to tolerate the discomfort

in the same way that I can now.

I can't stand it.

The knocks that life tends to throw at you...

Have an amazing ability to make you very resilient.

It's a fight.

Every day now is becoming a fight.

Every day is getting harder. Every day is getting colder.

Every day, we're getting skinnier.

How long I can continue for is up for question.

As tough as it is,

the more of that school of hard knocks that you get,

the more resilient you become.

And that's the reality of the world we're in.

What's up?

Today, I was going to go work on a trap line.

But with the snow,

that doesn't really make a lot of sense.

However, the gill net needs to be repaired.

Ah, [bleep].

And the good thing is is that we don't actually have to make

a full net because we're just repairing some things.

But I think if I had to guess, about 4 feet should be plenty.

4 feet is still a lot to net-make.

The good thing is that we've got nothing but time.

I've been having a lot of really extreme emotions here

about failure and image and ego.

Maybe it's a good thing.

Maybe I'm having an ego death.

Even if I just do this for me and my personal goals,

it's really easy to say I can be happy with what I've done.

Well, it looks like I'm going to be doing this for a while.

Is that right?

But then I think about the countless young women

who feel that they can't do incredible things...

Great. So, yeah, now I can't see.

[bleep].

Who feel that somebody else

wrote the script to their life.

My story can show them that, yeah,

you can change your narrative.

My journey has changed my life

from one of resistance to reward.

From reaching to releasing,

and the confidence to take back the pen

to writing my own narrative.

I think I burnt my eyes again.

So you can't tell, I want-- [bleep] hot.

Damn it.

It's too painful. I can't do it.

I can't [bleep] do this right now.

The smoke is rising and--

I can't [bleep] see!

I don't know what to do.

I have to get this [bleep] net done.

I don't know what to do.

Here is my

favorite-least-favorite part of the day.

It's like, I get to be warm.

I get to eat.

But then I have to be tortured at the same time.

My eyes. [bleep].

I can't even open them.

It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad.

I'm not really ready for bed, but I can't see.

So I can't do anything.

Oh, my eyes.

Oh, my God. My eyes.

I don't know what to do.

I think I really hurt my eyes.

It's been 12 hours.

And I can somewhat open my right one.

Barely my left.

Um, my left one feels like there's something in it.

Like it's scratchy or it's cut.

I can't open them for more than a second or two

without tears coming to my eyes.

I can't see the screen.

Everything's really blurry.

We do have a syringe in our med kit.

And I was thinking about how I could use that

maybe to flush my eyes out.

But I can't safely disinfect water right now.

I'd have to build a fire.

I didn't foresee this in any way.

As someone who is a professional in this field,

I am embarrassed, but things happen.

I can't lay here

all day trying to get warm

and be blind in an environment like this.

I can't. It's not safe.

It's not smart. And...

There's nothing more I can do.

This is Jacks,

and I am officially tapping out.

I put some snow in this gauze for inflammation.

Maybe it'll melt, irrigate my eyes a little bit.

This was not an easy decision for me to make.

I've always had a problem with self-care,

and I think that's because there is a lack of--

there is a little bit of a lack of love there towards the self.

I know that by leaving here is protecting myself.

That is self-care, and it's the greatest act of self-love.

I became much more vulnerable,

but much more authentic out here.

And in return, I actually think I became stronger,

way more connected to land and spirit,

courageous.

I've never felt more alive...

In my entire life than I have in the past two months.

I never thought I could feel that.

This is the first time in my life where

I've chosen me

before anything else, really.

This is the first time in my life that I chose

to love my most authentic self

over the armor that I wear.

This is a side of me that I normally don't let people see.

My truth is out there.

Who I really am is out there.

And now, I'm free.

I don't need that armor anymore.

This experience has given me the best gift possible.

And that is that I can fully be that person now.

I get to leave here

leaning into that person,

and I get to love that person now.

Being here was an opportunity of a lifetime.

But this?

You know, this is forever.

Unless ice fishing starts to produce,

things are not looking good for me.

I've had an idea

that will allow "Hiraeth" the coracle to rise again.

Holy crap. What the heck is happening with the shelter?

[bleep].

My family photo.

Not having my family, the love, the attention,

the affection, that's what slowly wears you down.