1 00:00:07,434 --> 00:00:09,193 I just got fully turned around. 2 00:00:11,193 --> 00:00:12,675 How is that even possible? 3 00:00:12,676 --> 00:00:15,226 It's getting tougher. The weather's getting tougher. 4 00:00:15,227 --> 00:00:16,262 Oh, [bleep]. 5 00:00:16,365 --> 00:00:17,882 It's a massive challenge 6 00:00:17,883 --> 00:00:21,502 to keep myself mentally and physically healthy. 7 00:00:21,503 --> 00:00:22,917 What the [bleep]? 8 00:00:23,021 --> 00:00:25,088 We got another bunny. 9 00:00:25,089 --> 00:00:27,124 Oh, got another one. 10 00:00:27,227 --> 00:00:28,916 Here's another bunny. 11 00:00:28,917 --> 00:00:30,882 This is going to be a wild day. 12 00:00:30,883 --> 00:00:33,744 Brings us to 51 bunnies. 13 00:00:33,745 --> 00:00:36,986 Can't see me losing this game. 14 00:00:37,089 --> 00:00:41,192 There's a little bit of smoke buildup in my shelter. 15 00:00:41,193 --> 00:00:45,985 But the worst is not the smoke. It's actually the steam. 16 00:00:45,986 --> 00:00:49,675 And as the temperature drops, the steam is getting worse. 17 00:00:49,676 --> 00:00:51,778 There's just no way I'm going to be able to [bleep] last 18 00:00:51,779 --> 00:00:54,054 with this [bleep] shelter. 19 00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:56,193 Oh, [bleep]. 20 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,744 If this chimney would crack or collapse, 21 00:01:03,745 --> 00:01:06,538 I would really have serious problem. 22 00:01:06,641 --> 00:01:09,744 Chimney, [bleep] you. 23 00:01:12,365 --> 00:01:14,227 Oh, my. 24 00:01:14,331 --> 00:01:16,676 I've been so grateful for the food 25 00:01:16,779 --> 00:01:19,778 that I've already got these past 50 days. 26 00:01:20,779 --> 00:01:23,469 Let's go! 27 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,916 This morning, we're going to check our trap lines. 28 00:02:02,917 --> 00:02:04,675 ♪ You gotta believe, you gotta believe ♪ 29 00:02:04,676 --> 00:02:06,157 ♪ You gotta believe ♪ 30 00:02:06,158 --> 00:02:09,193 ♪ You gotta believe there's a fish in your trout line ♪ 31 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:12,400 ♪ You gotta believe there's a hare in your snare ♪ 32 00:02:12,503 --> 00:02:15,607 ♪ You gotta believe there's a squirrel hanging from a pole ♪ 33 00:02:15,710 --> 00:02:18,607 ♪ And a moose is taken with your bow ♪ 34 00:02:18,710 --> 00:02:20,227 Come on, everybody. 35 00:02:20,331 --> 00:02:22,055 ♪ You gotta believe, you gotta believe, you gotta believe ♪ 36 00:02:22,158 --> 00:02:25,399 ♪ You gotta believe your hair isn't just one knot ♪ 37 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,710 ♪ You gotta believe your bad guts will go away ♪ 38 00:02:28,814 --> 00:02:32,054 ♪ You gotta believe you won't be alone forever ♪ 39 00:02:32,055 --> 00:02:34,744 ♪ You gotta believe you can make it one more night ♪ 40 00:02:34,745 --> 00:02:39,261 ♪ You gotta believe you can lean into the fight ♪ 41 00:02:39,262 --> 00:02:41,744 ♪ One more day alone is enough ♪ 42 00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:45,331 Oh! 43 00:02:45,434 --> 00:02:47,088 We got a hare. 44 00:02:47,089 --> 00:02:49,779 We're back, baby. We're back. 45 00:02:51,503 --> 00:02:52,951 Hold on. 46 00:02:52,952 --> 00:02:54,434 I'm going to keep you there because you're literally, 47 00:02:54,538 --> 00:02:56,744 I don't know, right next to my camp. 48 00:02:56,745 --> 00:03:00,157 Hare, camp. Hare, camp. 49 00:03:00,158 --> 00:03:03,814 We're going to go check the other traps. 50 00:03:07,538 --> 00:03:10,572 Oh, wow. OK, well, that was a nice little treat. 51 00:03:10,676 --> 00:03:12,951 And the thing that I keep thinking about the most 52 00:03:12,952 --> 00:03:16,537 these past couple weeks are how I feel like 53 00:03:16,538 --> 00:03:18,537 I have changed out here. 54 00:03:18,538 --> 00:03:21,433 Like, I almost don't even recognize myself. 55 00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:25,399 I walk through life normally with my chin up 56 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,985 and my shoulders back with this identity 57 00:03:28,986 --> 00:03:33,778 of being strong and secure and confident. 58 00:03:33,779 --> 00:03:36,089 And out here, 59 00:03:36,193 --> 00:03:41,331 I just feel like I've been vulnerable and teary-eyed. 60 00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:44,089 And I wouldn't say weak, 61 00:03:44,193 --> 00:03:47,882 I'm just leaning a very different presence. 62 00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:51,088 Shut the [bleep] up. 63 00:03:51,089 --> 00:03:52,675 Oof, sorry. Excuse my French. 64 00:03:52,676 --> 00:03:54,295 I got another hare. 65 00:03:58,365 --> 00:04:01,468 Wow, two hares today. 66 00:04:01,469 --> 00:04:03,745 Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. 67 00:04:05,262 --> 00:04:08,295 Oh, my God. 68 00:04:08,296 --> 00:04:10,883 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 69 00:04:10,986 --> 00:04:13,089 Wow, OK. 70 00:04:13,193 --> 00:04:14,917 This is amazing. 71 00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:17,088 I always have leaned into emotions. 72 00:04:18,848 --> 00:04:21,330 You know, I do believe to feel is to exist. 73 00:04:21,331 --> 00:04:25,123 I'd rather feel truly, madly, deeply than to not at all. 74 00:04:25,124 --> 00:04:27,814 I want to go through the pain, I want to be sad, 75 00:04:27,917 --> 00:04:31,778 because on the other side of that is love and happiness. 76 00:04:31,779 --> 00:04:34,157 I can't believe that. Oh, thank God. 77 00:04:34,158 --> 00:04:35,607 We have food. 78 00:04:37,158 --> 00:04:39,399 You have to go through ebbs and flows. 79 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:43,262 And I know that everything is a journey out here. 80 00:04:43,365 --> 00:04:45,641 But my identity, like who I feel at my core, 81 00:04:45,745 --> 00:04:47,917 feels very different. 82 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:52,640 You know, very convenient bag. 83 00:04:54,089 --> 00:04:58,882 Keep getting a whiff of fire. 84 00:04:58,883 --> 00:05:04,571 I mean, in fairness, it's probably me. 85 00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:16,710 But anyway, we're going to eat some rabbit, so let's do that. 86 00:05:16,814 --> 00:05:19,916 It's really interesting to see who you become 87 00:05:19,917 --> 00:05:22,365 without having to put on a mask, 88 00:05:22,469 --> 00:05:25,538 without having to be around people. 89 00:05:25,641 --> 00:05:28,607 You become who you are, the essence of your core. 90 00:05:28,710 --> 00:05:31,123 And it's like, are you becoming a new person 91 00:05:31,124 --> 00:05:32,330 or are you saying hello 92 00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:34,952 to the person you've been this whole time? 93 00:05:37,365 --> 00:05:39,951 Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about. 94 00:05:39,952 --> 00:05:43,399 Everything I do causes blindness. 95 00:05:45,917 --> 00:05:48,606 Even eating. 96 00:06:06,848 --> 00:06:10,364 God, I feel like this steam is worse than the smoke. 97 00:06:14,848 --> 00:06:16,262 It is getting pretty warm in here. 98 00:06:16,365 --> 00:06:18,020 I'll tell you that, though. 99 00:06:22,021 --> 00:06:24,261 Smoke, though, we gotta figure it out. 100 00:06:25,538 --> 00:06:27,054 I am having some regrets 101 00:06:27,055 --> 00:06:29,502 about having a central fire in my shelter. 102 00:06:29,503 --> 00:06:32,745 The steam was not something that I predicted. 103 00:06:32,848 --> 00:06:37,020 And what's happening is, because the roof is so low, 104 00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:40,986 the steam is becoming a cloud cover for the smoke. 105 00:06:41,089 --> 00:06:44,192 And the smoke is not able to exit 106 00:06:44,193 --> 00:06:45,778 in the way that I had planned. 107 00:06:48,124 --> 00:06:51,607 I can't even eat this 'cause of the [bleep] steam! 108 00:06:51,710 --> 00:06:53,192 Ugh! 109 00:06:55,469 --> 00:06:58,675 It's getting in my [bleep] eyes and my eyes are burning. 110 00:07:03,434 --> 00:07:04,745 Ow. 111 00:07:13,572 --> 00:07:15,193 This is so much steam. 112 00:07:16,331 --> 00:07:17,985 I can't see. 113 00:07:22,262 --> 00:07:24,020 Wow. 114 00:07:24,021 --> 00:07:27,433 I gotta figure out a solution to this fire. 115 00:07:38,745 --> 00:07:39,778 It's cold, man. 116 00:07:39,779 --> 00:07:40,882 And I don't know how cold it is, 117 00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:42,192 but... 118 00:07:44,124 --> 00:07:46,710 These bunnies are frozen. 119 00:07:49,365 --> 00:07:51,020 Can't even peel her [bleep] legs. 120 00:07:51,021 --> 00:07:53,571 That guy's legs just snapped off. 121 00:07:54,710 --> 00:07:56,399 Weather's gotten chilly. 122 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,192 Some mornings I'm like, oh, it feels like minus 10, 123 00:07:59,193 --> 00:08:00,813 but then it's like 124 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,778 I'm getting frost on my beard really quick. 125 00:08:02,779 --> 00:08:06,124 I'm like, this isn't normal for minus 5 to 10, 126 00:08:06,227 --> 00:08:08,572 so maybe it's 10 to 20. 127 00:08:08,676 --> 00:08:10,745 Holy [bleep]. 128 00:08:17,089 --> 00:08:20,364 But my hands and my toes can bug me. 129 00:08:20,365 --> 00:08:22,021 My hands are really bad. 130 00:08:25,952 --> 00:08:28,710 Not fun doing these guys frozen. 131 00:08:28,814 --> 00:08:31,262 But if I have a fire, I can do whatever I need to do. 132 00:08:31,365 --> 00:08:34,262 And then I just go to the fire and warm up. 133 00:08:34,365 --> 00:08:35,917 That's three bunnies. 134 00:08:42,262 --> 00:08:44,124 As long as I have fire, I'm fine. 135 00:08:44,227 --> 00:08:46,295 And I'll get this guy cooked. 136 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:52,364 Hopefully it lights, 'cause I'm frozen. 137 00:09:04,779 --> 00:09:06,847 Put the ferro rod away. 138 00:09:10,055 --> 00:09:12,951 I haven't had a fire in the shelter yet. 139 00:09:12,952 --> 00:09:15,607 We're not burning our sleeping bag. 140 00:09:15,710 --> 00:09:18,779 We're not getting smoke asphyxiation. 141 00:09:18,883 --> 00:09:22,193 We just gotta play the smart game. 142 00:09:28,331 --> 00:09:32,124 Getting to the point wherever only the strong will be here. 143 00:09:33,538 --> 00:09:35,365 It's getting chilly. 144 00:09:45,227 --> 00:09:48,709 I think we ought to try to get him because it's fish bait. 145 00:09:50,296 --> 00:09:53,331 I don't need to eat him, but I know the fish like squirrel. 146 00:09:53,434 --> 00:09:56,330 I'm definitely desperate to get something fatty. 147 00:09:56,331 --> 00:09:59,123 Can't just be eating rabbits. 148 00:10:18,089 --> 00:10:20,745 [bleep]. 149 00:10:29,814 --> 00:10:31,502 [bleep]. 150 00:10:31,503 --> 00:10:33,503 Oh, my God. 151 00:10:42,572 --> 00:10:44,607 He's sure-- holy [bleep]. 152 00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:49,227 Oh, no. 153 00:10:56,986 --> 00:11:02,157 Oh, [bleep]. Oh, no. 154 00:11:06,986 --> 00:11:08,744 [bleep]. 155 00:11:11,193 --> 00:11:13,951 That is not good. 156 00:11:15,158 --> 00:11:17,778 These are the mistakes you don't make, guys. 157 00:11:17,779 --> 00:11:19,021 And I'm making 'em. 158 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,606 I cannot believe I just did that. 159 00:11:29,641 --> 00:11:33,433 What a dumb [bleep] idiot. 160 00:11:38,710 --> 00:11:43,469 Guess this will just be my fire-tending glove. 161 00:11:45,779 --> 00:11:46,985 Got the other gloves. 162 00:11:46,986 --> 00:11:48,709 I just got to be super smart with them 163 00:11:48,710 --> 00:11:51,020 'cause they're rubber. 164 00:11:53,158 --> 00:11:57,882 This could be over in two days or a month and a half. 165 00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:01,054 We don't know, so we gotta play smart. 166 00:12:01,055 --> 00:12:02,951 No hovering over the fire. 167 00:12:02,952 --> 00:12:05,916 No doing stupid sh-- stuff like that. 168 00:12:05,917 --> 00:12:09,709 Putting on winter bibs, keeping the winter jacket on. 169 00:12:09,710 --> 00:12:11,365 I don't need to get sick. 170 00:12:14,952 --> 00:12:17,986 [bleep]. 171 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,571 Seems as I get deeper into this competition 172 00:12:21,572 --> 00:12:24,226 and the weather gets colder and nastier, 173 00:12:24,227 --> 00:12:29,020 my mental and emotional stability 174 00:12:29,021 --> 00:12:30,916 has been going up and down. 175 00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,883 I'm having more frequently bad days. 176 00:12:35,262 --> 00:12:38,296 I think I might have a fire tonight. 177 00:12:40,848 --> 00:12:43,364 Doing like the next hour just so 178 00:12:43,365 --> 00:12:45,124 if it doesn't work out that good, 179 00:12:45,227 --> 00:12:48,538 we can open the door, 180 00:12:48,641 --> 00:12:50,502 fix what we have to. 181 00:12:51,710 --> 00:12:53,365 I don't want to build a fire inside 182 00:12:53,469 --> 00:12:57,227 because I don't want the possibility of sheltered fire. 183 00:12:57,331 --> 00:12:59,814 But I'm coming to the realization 184 00:12:59,917 --> 00:13:01,883 the weather is garbage. 185 00:13:01,986 --> 00:13:04,675 My hands are freezing. My feet are cold. 186 00:13:04,676 --> 00:13:07,295 This is the only thing I can do. 187 00:13:10,158 --> 00:13:12,916 Just a little fire to take the chill away. 188 00:13:13,917 --> 00:13:16,537 Trying to be happy, positive. 189 00:13:16,538 --> 00:13:20,192 And we need to turn a bad situation into a win. 190 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,364 What's going on, guys? 191 00:13:27,365 --> 00:13:29,847 Um, got the fireplace working. 192 00:13:29,848 --> 00:13:31,985 There's a little bit of precipitation 193 00:13:31,986 --> 00:13:33,606 that I don't like in here. 194 00:13:33,607 --> 00:13:37,502 You can see my breath and stuff 'cause of the cold air higher. 195 00:13:37,503 --> 00:13:39,606 Lower air is hot. 196 00:13:41,641 --> 00:13:43,468 But it's working. 197 00:13:43,469 --> 00:13:45,296 So it's just a waiting game now 198 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,675 until Melissa comes and gets me. 199 00:13:48,676 --> 00:13:51,364 This moisture is insane, though. 200 00:13:51,365 --> 00:13:53,537 I don't like that. 201 00:13:53,538 --> 00:13:55,364 A lot of it is the mud. 202 00:13:55,365 --> 00:13:59,192 So once that dries out, man, I'm telling you, 203 00:13:59,193 --> 00:14:00,814 I think I got it. 204 00:14:03,572 --> 00:14:06,399 I just have to clean the camera every 30 seconds. 205 00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:11,710 There's like a film on my sleeping bag, even. 206 00:14:11,814 --> 00:14:14,640 But, yeah, it's too hard to film right now. 207 00:14:14,641 --> 00:14:16,124 Have a good night. 208 00:14:40,469 --> 00:14:42,676 Things are getting very difficult now 209 00:14:42,779 --> 00:14:44,502 with this chimney. Oh, man. 210 00:14:44,503 --> 00:14:46,296 And if you look down the base, 211 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,226 it's not completely dry at some part. 212 00:14:49,227 --> 00:14:51,124 So where I want to put clay? 213 00:14:51,227 --> 00:14:53,640 So one, it's here. 214 00:14:53,641 --> 00:14:55,123 Then it's-- 215 00:14:55,124 --> 00:14:58,502 yeah, I realized, I mean, here is where I burned my gloves. 216 00:14:58,503 --> 00:15:01,848 Another place where I want to put more clay, 217 00:15:01,952 --> 00:15:05,985 see, this part dried faster than this part. 218 00:15:05,986 --> 00:15:08,054 And here is one huge crack. 219 00:15:08,055 --> 00:15:10,502 And I want to make this thicker 220 00:15:10,503 --> 00:15:15,709 just to avoid any breaking I'm getting there. 221 00:15:15,710 --> 00:15:18,675 So I mean, I think that when I have these doors 222 00:15:18,676 --> 00:15:20,745 and extra insulation, I will be fine. 223 00:15:20,848 --> 00:15:25,158 But for now with this moisture, I have to keep the fire going 224 00:15:25,262 --> 00:15:27,537 at least for a couple of days now. 225 00:15:32,124 --> 00:15:33,779 First thing I really need to do 226 00:15:33,883 --> 00:15:38,571 is doors and insulation are needed. 227 00:15:38,572 --> 00:15:41,813 Then clay work these final small cracks 228 00:15:41,814 --> 00:15:45,847 that no smoke gets out and stuff like that. 229 00:15:45,848 --> 00:15:49,606 OK, I think it's time for doors. 230 00:15:51,814 --> 00:15:53,054 Hey, birdy. 231 00:15:55,848 --> 00:15:59,745 I feel that I'm in quite good position 232 00:15:59,848 --> 00:16:03,778 even for winning this competition. 233 00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:04,951 Quite cool. 234 00:16:06,779 --> 00:16:09,157 If I want to keep on going, 235 00:16:09,158 --> 00:16:12,571 I have to eat a lot, and very caloric food. 236 00:16:13,986 --> 00:16:18,054 And also a lot of projects because each day, 237 00:16:18,055 --> 00:16:21,503 the time of sunlight is getting shorter and shorter, 238 00:16:21,607 --> 00:16:24,054 and it will disappear at some point. 239 00:16:25,227 --> 00:16:29,330 Well, I think that's good enough. 240 00:16:29,331 --> 00:16:31,295 Especially towards the end, 241 00:16:31,296 --> 00:16:35,916 it might become more mental game than hunger game. 242 00:16:35,917 --> 00:16:40,330 I will now try to fill as much 243 00:16:40,331 --> 00:16:44,157 of these doors with moss 244 00:16:44,158 --> 00:16:46,400 as much as possible. 245 00:16:46,503 --> 00:16:48,848 So this is why it's very important 246 00:16:48,952 --> 00:16:52,813 to keep your mind occupied with projects. 247 00:16:52,814 --> 00:16:56,813 Man, this shelter is becoming so cozy. 248 00:16:56,814 --> 00:16:58,433 It's also fun to do them. 249 00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:02,088 And there are many never-ending projects 250 00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:03,123 like shelter. 251 00:17:04,848 --> 00:17:07,951 The doors are filled with moss. 252 00:17:09,055 --> 00:17:12,814 Let's check it out. Check it out. 253 00:17:12,917 --> 00:17:16,054 So that's it. Doors are done. 254 00:17:16,055 --> 00:17:20,399 OK, chimney. I have to fill this with clay. 255 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,226 Holy crap. 256 00:17:25,676 --> 00:17:28,882 Holy, holy, holy, holy crap. 257 00:18:01,089 --> 00:18:06,158 OK, very quick, fixing with clay. 258 00:18:08,883 --> 00:18:12,021 No. 259 00:18:17,814 --> 00:18:19,157 Damn it. 260 00:18:27,262 --> 00:18:29,227 OK. [bleep]. [bleep], [bleep]. 261 00:18:29,331 --> 00:18:32,675 [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep]. 262 00:18:34,021 --> 00:18:37,469 OK. That's very bad now. 263 00:18:39,124 --> 00:18:41,882 What I was afraid actually happened. 264 00:18:45,745 --> 00:18:47,710 Yeah, I shouldn't have done it this way. 265 00:18:47,814 --> 00:18:51,192 I knew from the beginning, but-- 266 00:18:51,193 --> 00:18:52,364 OK. 267 00:18:54,538 --> 00:18:57,779 Time to think what to do. 268 00:19:03,262 --> 00:19:06,538 So one option would be-- 269 00:19:06,641 --> 00:19:10,261 and probably the best one, to cut this straight 270 00:19:10,262 --> 00:19:14,088 and cut this straight and put one on each other. 271 00:19:14,089 --> 00:19:18,399 So then I can just join them together. 272 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,537 And it would give stability 273 00:19:20,538 --> 00:19:23,331 just by standing one on each other. 274 00:19:25,814 --> 00:19:28,572 OK, [bleep]. That's not a good day. 275 00:19:30,158 --> 00:19:32,227 I definitely feel overwhelmed. 276 00:19:32,331 --> 00:19:35,226 I have to find a solution quite quick. 277 00:19:35,227 --> 00:19:37,640 First, I'm going to cut the chimney 278 00:19:37,641 --> 00:19:41,021 so the lower part doesn't have a slope, but it's straight. 279 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,882 OK. 280 00:19:59,883 --> 00:20:01,951 I never thought about chimney might break 281 00:20:01,952 --> 00:20:03,123 or stuff like that. 282 00:20:03,124 --> 00:20:05,400 But now I really have to be prepared. 283 00:20:07,193 --> 00:20:08,813 OK, now it's horizontal, 284 00:20:08,814 --> 00:20:12,985 but I'm really afraid that I will break more than needed. 285 00:20:16,434 --> 00:20:20,847 So in the morning, I had fire and chimney. 286 00:20:20,848 --> 00:20:23,813 Now I don't have fire nor chimney. 287 00:20:26,883 --> 00:20:30,089 OK. 288 00:20:30,193 --> 00:20:32,364 Here is the plan. 289 00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:35,882 I will cut also this one approximately straight. 290 00:21:05,331 --> 00:21:06,502 Ah, [bleep]. 291 00:21:10,538 --> 00:21:13,364 And I don't have fire. 292 00:21:13,365 --> 00:21:16,814 So it's a-- 293 00:21:16,917 --> 00:21:19,261 it is a challenging day. 294 00:21:19,262 --> 00:21:22,606 That's going to be the final hole. 295 00:21:22,607 --> 00:21:26,848 I just can't get out of this loop of chimney repairing. 296 00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:30,020 Seems like a never-ending story. 297 00:21:30,021 --> 00:21:33,054 Yeah, damn it. 298 00:21:55,641 --> 00:21:57,021 Check this out. 299 00:21:59,124 --> 00:22:01,261 Solid ice. 300 00:22:01,262 --> 00:22:02,710 Last night was super cold, 301 00:22:02,814 --> 00:22:05,882 as cold as we've had by a long way. 302 00:22:05,883 --> 00:22:07,745 So this is going to need thawing out. 303 00:22:08,952 --> 00:22:11,123 It's really starting to get cold now. 304 00:22:11,124 --> 00:22:13,537 In the night, I can hear strange sounds 305 00:22:13,538 --> 00:22:15,123 as the ice forms on the river. 306 00:22:15,124 --> 00:22:17,778 It's like a creaking sound. It's quite eerie. 307 00:22:18,917 --> 00:22:20,641 First of all, let's check the snares, 308 00:22:20,745 --> 00:22:22,640 see if there's anything in those. 309 00:22:22,641 --> 00:22:25,606 So I'm heading into a difficult period where 310 00:22:25,607 --> 00:22:27,469 I'm probably days away from being able 311 00:22:27,572 --> 00:22:29,848 to walk on the ice and ice fish, 312 00:22:29,952 --> 00:22:33,296 so I'm likely to have to rely on whatever I can get on land, 313 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,917 so that's most likely things like varying hare. 314 00:22:37,021 --> 00:22:38,710 I don't want to spend too much time out today 315 00:22:38,814 --> 00:22:40,744 if I can avoid it. 316 00:22:40,745 --> 00:22:43,744 This is a whole different world from what I'm used to. 317 00:22:43,745 --> 00:22:47,744 I'm seriously going to need to keep myself 318 00:22:47,745 --> 00:22:50,571 wrapped up as much as I can. 319 00:22:50,572 --> 00:22:52,193 Wales is a very temperate climate. 320 00:22:52,296 --> 00:22:55,985 It very rarely gets below zero and we hardly ever get snow. 321 00:22:55,986 --> 00:22:57,571 I've traveled. 322 00:22:57,572 --> 00:22:59,640 I've spent a lot of time in Sweden, Norway, and Canada, 323 00:22:59,641 --> 00:23:02,088 but I've never been this far north. 324 00:23:02,089 --> 00:23:04,469 It's surreal, really. 325 00:23:05,676 --> 00:23:08,676 There's not much new sign. 326 00:23:08,779 --> 00:23:11,917 Looks pretty quiet. 327 00:23:12,021 --> 00:23:13,710 Oh, no. 328 00:23:13,814 --> 00:23:16,088 I spoke too soon. 329 00:23:16,089 --> 00:23:17,502 Got a varying hare. 330 00:23:17,503 --> 00:23:18,709 Wow, wow, wow. 331 00:23:20,021 --> 00:23:21,952 I would love to have more things to eat, 332 00:23:22,055 --> 00:23:23,330 but the hares keep coming 333 00:23:23,331 --> 00:23:25,021 and I'm going to keep eating the hares. 334 00:23:25,124 --> 00:23:28,364 And I'm very grateful for them. 335 00:23:28,365 --> 00:23:29,951 And I've just spotted something. 336 00:23:29,952 --> 00:23:32,606 I've got another hare caught in a trap. 337 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,124 OK. 338 00:23:44,227 --> 00:23:49,054 Believe me, I take absolutely no pleasure from that. 339 00:23:49,055 --> 00:23:51,537 I've got another hare. 340 00:23:51,538 --> 00:23:54,710 Amazing. Absolutely amazing. 341 00:23:59,676 --> 00:24:01,985 Wow. What a morning. 342 00:24:01,986 --> 00:24:03,607 One hare. 343 00:24:03,710 --> 00:24:05,433 Two hares. Boom. 344 00:24:05,434 --> 00:24:10,710 We can keep doing this until-- well, until the hares run out. 345 00:24:10,814 --> 00:24:14,675 And I'm very acutely aware of rabbit starvation. 346 00:24:14,676 --> 00:24:17,330 But since it's the only food I have, 347 00:24:17,331 --> 00:24:20,124 I'm just having to do what I can, 348 00:24:20,227 --> 00:24:22,916 which means eating the brains, which are fatty, 349 00:24:22,917 --> 00:24:24,986 kidneys and liver, and hoping that 350 00:24:25,089 --> 00:24:27,744 I'm getting enough nutrients to compensate for the fact 351 00:24:27,745 --> 00:24:30,778 that I'm eating a lot of very, very lean meat. 352 00:24:30,779 --> 00:24:32,157 Whoa. Right. 353 00:24:32,158 --> 00:24:33,985 I need to get this fire going and keep it going. 354 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,469 So I'm going to have some offal 355 00:24:37,572 --> 00:24:40,813 and a little bit of the meat today. 356 00:24:40,814 --> 00:24:45,400 And then tomorrow, I'll have another half of one. 357 00:24:46,469 --> 00:24:50,054 And that's going good. Oh. 358 00:24:50,055 --> 00:24:53,054 Ah, [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep]. 359 00:24:53,055 --> 00:24:55,468 [bleep]. 360 00:24:55,469 --> 00:24:58,502 Ah, [bleep] cramp. 361 00:24:58,503 --> 00:24:59,675 Oh, [bleep]. 362 00:25:01,296 --> 00:25:02,399 Oh, man. 363 00:25:03,641 --> 00:25:05,192 Oh, man. 364 00:25:05,193 --> 00:25:06,571 I keep getting it now. 365 00:25:06,572 --> 00:25:11,226 It's a--a symptom of-- 366 00:25:11,227 --> 00:25:13,813 Salt deprivation, I think. 367 00:25:17,262 --> 00:25:20,503 Oh, [bleep]. 368 00:25:20,607 --> 00:25:24,054 Oh, man. Oh. 369 00:25:24,055 --> 00:25:28,123 I keep getting it in my feet and my legs. 370 00:25:28,124 --> 00:25:30,330 I can stretch it out. 371 00:25:30,331 --> 00:25:34,744 If I stay in one position for more than a few minutes, 372 00:25:34,745 --> 00:25:35,744 it kicks in. 373 00:25:39,641 --> 00:25:41,814 Really hoping to keep the cramp at bay tonight, 374 00:25:41,917 --> 00:25:44,606 so I'm going to do my stretches now. 375 00:25:44,607 --> 00:25:45,813 It's definitely something 376 00:25:45,814 --> 00:25:48,054 that seems to be happening more now. 377 00:25:48,055 --> 00:25:52,640 And I'm pretty sure that's down to a isotonic imbalance. 378 00:25:52,641 --> 00:25:54,262 So if these cramps keep getting worse, 379 00:25:54,365 --> 00:25:57,709 that's going to be another headache. 380 00:25:57,710 --> 00:25:59,709 Oh, right. 381 00:25:59,710 --> 00:26:03,192 Oh, man. Feel a bit better for that. 382 00:26:03,193 --> 00:26:06,364 Hopefully, that'll stop the cramp kicking in tonight. 383 00:26:07,883 --> 00:26:10,400 Oh, all right. OK. 384 00:26:10,503 --> 00:26:15,192 I'm just taking each day as it comes at the moment. 385 00:26:15,193 --> 00:26:16,606 It does worry me that 386 00:26:16,607 --> 00:26:19,468 my body's not performing the way I want it to. 387 00:26:19,469 --> 00:26:22,917 So I'm just going to take it easy today, 388 00:26:23,021 --> 00:26:25,537 try and eat something, keeping myself hydrated. 389 00:26:25,538 --> 00:26:27,503 So I've got my spruce tea, 390 00:26:27,607 --> 00:26:31,088 so that's always a good step in the right direction. 391 00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:34,675 And I'm going to be eating those brains, 392 00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:37,778 eyeballs, you name it. 393 00:26:37,779 --> 00:26:40,364 The kidneys, they are the only thing that 394 00:26:40,365 --> 00:26:43,985 has any kind of salty flavor. 395 00:26:43,986 --> 00:26:46,226 And I don't know if they do contain much salt, 396 00:26:46,227 --> 00:26:47,814 but they definitely taste like they do. 397 00:26:47,917 --> 00:26:52,020 So they're, uh, they're definitely worth seeking out. 398 00:26:52,021 --> 00:26:56,606 So hopefully, I'll-- I won't get any cramp tonight. 399 00:26:56,607 --> 00:26:58,088 We shall see. 400 00:27:25,641 --> 00:27:28,883 Holy, I just, uh, 401 00:27:28,986 --> 00:27:31,295 went to go take a pee, and then my stomach is like-- 402 00:27:31,296 --> 00:27:33,468 I don't know. 403 00:27:33,469 --> 00:27:35,709 Maybe the bunny I ate yesterday was 404 00:27:35,710 --> 00:27:37,917 a little bit raw or something or I don't know, 405 00:27:38,021 --> 00:27:39,468 my stomach didn't agree with it. 406 00:27:39,469 --> 00:27:41,295 But holy, 407 00:27:41,296 --> 00:27:42,710 it's one of those get your pants off 408 00:27:42,814 --> 00:27:45,503 as fast as you can moments. 409 00:27:50,917 --> 00:27:54,226 Feet feel like they're going to freeze off. 410 00:27:54,227 --> 00:27:57,054 It's that damn fire. 411 00:27:57,055 --> 00:28:02,469 Last night, I had a fire, and things didn't go very good. 412 00:28:02,572 --> 00:28:07,503 Zero, zero, and zero. 413 00:28:07,607 --> 00:28:10,157 That's not a good start. 414 00:28:10,158 --> 00:28:13,158 I don't like the design of my shelter. 415 00:28:13,262 --> 00:28:14,779 It's not keeping warm. 416 00:28:14,883 --> 00:28:17,951 I've kind of made a couple critical errors. 417 00:28:17,952 --> 00:28:20,399 Man, I don't know what to do. 418 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,571 When I built the chimney, I obviously built it too small. 419 00:28:23,572 --> 00:28:25,364 I made it about 8 inches. 420 00:28:25,365 --> 00:28:26,814 And then when I put the mud in, 421 00:28:26,917 --> 00:28:29,814 it obviously choked it too much. 422 00:28:31,158 --> 00:28:32,502 Get rid of it. 423 00:28:33,917 --> 00:28:37,710 So I needed to make the chimney, say, 12 inches, 424 00:28:37,814 --> 00:28:39,745 which would have gave me an 8-inch hole, 425 00:28:39,848 --> 00:28:43,296 which would have ventilated the fire with the smoke. 426 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:45,365 There's a hole in the side. 427 00:28:45,469 --> 00:28:49,124 I'm going to have to do some patch work. 428 00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:52,744 I think I'll sleep with my boot liners 429 00:28:52,745 --> 00:28:53,985 in the sleeping bag. 430 00:28:53,986 --> 00:28:57,986 We're getting past that threshold now where 431 00:28:58,089 --> 00:29:01,089 I need to warm my body up and then keep it warm. 432 00:29:01,193 --> 00:29:05,675 I just got to play the smart game. 433 00:29:07,848 --> 00:29:11,709 The first 30 to 40 days, I felt unstoppable. 434 00:29:11,710 --> 00:29:14,745 But now that it's getting colder, it's getting longer, 435 00:29:14,848 --> 00:29:16,745 I'm starting to see some cracks. 436 00:29:18,641 --> 00:29:21,538 So you want to be on "Alone," do you? 437 00:29:22,952 --> 00:29:24,916 Do you want your feet to damn near feel like 438 00:29:24,917 --> 00:29:26,330 they're going to fall off? 439 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,778 Hike miles and miles and miles? 440 00:29:30,883 --> 00:29:33,814 Starve, have no fat in your diet? 441 00:29:35,158 --> 00:29:38,813 Don't talk to a human in freaking weeks? 442 00:29:40,676 --> 00:29:43,709 Well, then you're the right person. 443 00:29:43,710 --> 00:29:45,882 'Cause this is what we do out here. 444 00:29:51,331 --> 00:29:56,709 All that hiking for nothing. Produced diddly squat. 445 00:29:58,296 --> 00:30:00,330 Think I'm coming down with something too, 446 00:30:00,331 --> 00:30:02,365 like a stomach bug or-- 447 00:30:03,503 --> 00:30:05,365 I don't know, man. 448 00:30:07,814 --> 00:30:10,157 [bleep]. 449 00:30:19,055 --> 00:30:22,261 Oh, I gotta be more careful on those transitions. 450 00:30:24,227 --> 00:30:26,468 Damn. 451 00:30:26,469 --> 00:30:29,468 Oh, my mind wants to go home today, boys. 452 00:30:29,469 --> 00:30:32,124 The demons are battling. 453 00:30:44,331 --> 00:30:49,330 Out here, I feel my emotions cannot be distracted. 454 00:30:51,193 --> 00:30:54,813 I can't turn on the TV. I can't play on my phone. 455 00:31:06,917 --> 00:31:12,226 Pretty, uh, crazy how I can go from, like, 456 00:31:12,227 --> 00:31:15,157 mentally rock solid, emotionally rock solid. 457 00:31:15,158 --> 00:31:18,157 And then, like, I would have paid a lot of money 458 00:31:18,158 --> 00:31:19,814 for a couple phone calls today. 459 00:31:20,986 --> 00:31:23,814 Been nice to talk to Melissa. Yeah. 460 00:31:25,572 --> 00:31:28,020 Man, I miss her so much. I understand it now. 461 00:31:29,227 --> 00:31:31,710 I can see why people tap now. 462 00:31:31,814 --> 00:31:36,675 It's like you want to just hear their voice so bad. 463 00:31:36,676 --> 00:31:40,882 But it's like, yeah, I can do that so quickly, 464 00:31:40,883 --> 00:31:44,330 but I got to trade my dreams, 465 00:31:44,331 --> 00:31:45,709 my aspirations. 466 00:31:46,952 --> 00:31:48,744 So easy sitting on the couch watching this 467 00:31:48,745 --> 00:31:51,331 being like, oh, man, just suck it up. 468 00:31:51,434 --> 00:31:53,021 I was that guy. 469 00:31:55,124 --> 00:31:57,330 We need to suffer, though. 470 00:31:59,572 --> 00:32:01,502 This is part of it, man. 471 00:32:01,503 --> 00:32:05,123 It's all sunshine and roses the first month. 472 00:32:05,124 --> 00:32:09,295 Second month gets a bit, OK, now we're into it. 473 00:32:09,296 --> 00:32:12,778 And I have issues that I need to resolve. 474 00:32:14,986 --> 00:32:18,020 Here's a little bit of a bombshell. 475 00:32:18,021 --> 00:32:21,157 Me and Melissa, we've been separated for two years. 476 00:32:22,986 --> 00:32:25,813 I didn't tell anybody in the cast or the production. 477 00:32:25,814 --> 00:32:30,226 I didn't want it to look like I had any chinks in my armor. 478 00:32:30,227 --> 00:32:33,469 We're pretty much kinda getting back together. 479 00:32:33,572 --> 00:32:35,088 But it's just we don't know. 480 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:44,296 It's, uh it's weird how it-- 481 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:47,709 this game plays on your emotions. 482 00:32:47,710 --> 00:32:49,538 Let's see if we can rebound, 483 00:32:49,641 --> 00:32:51,985 battle through it, and come back. 484 00:32:51,986 --> 00:32:53,951 We're going to have a talk with ourself tonight, 485 00:32:53,952 --> 00:32:58,779 reel it back in, lock in, and find our groove again. 486 00:33:24,503 --> 00:33:27,779 What? 487 00:33:30,365 --> 00:33:31,985 Feel like I'm back at the clubs. 488 00:33:31,986 --> 00:33:36,261 No, I never did that. 489 00:33:36,262 --> 00:33:39,813 OK, that's not true. I did. I did. 490 00:33:39,814 --> 00:33:42,020 It actually is, believe it or not, 491 00:33:42,021 --> 00:33:44,469 slightly less smoky than yesterday. 492 00:33:44,572 --> 00:33:49,088 So what I've done is I've opened the bullboat further. 493 00:33:49,089 --> 00:33:53,502 I mean, I've opened up the bullboat pretty significantly 494 00:33:53,503 --> 00:33:57,123 to make that smoke escape a bit better. 495 00:33:57,124 --> 00:34:00,330 I mean, I can breathe. 496 00:34:00,331 --> 00:34:04,607 It's not as clear as it should be, but I can breathe. 497 00:34:04,710 --> 00:34:08,020 Definitely some steam. 498 00:34:08,021 --> 00:34:10,124 And some condensation. 499 00:34:13,296 --> 00:34:16,709 But overall, it's actually not as bad as it has been, 500 00:34:16,710 --> 00:34:17,882 so that's good. 501 00:34:17,883 --> 00:34:21,502 I don't want to jinx it, but it's good. 502 00:34:21,503 --> 00:34:23,916 Well, we're gonna eat this rabbit. 503 00:34:26,124 --> 00:34:27,744 You know, I really worry sometimes 504 00:34:27,745 --> 00:34:29,709 about how I'm going to be portrayed. 505 00:34:30,710 --> 00:34:32,607 You know, my full-time job is 506 00:34:32,710 --> 00:34:35,193 I own my own company where I teach people skills. 507 00:34:37,021 --> 00:34:40,433 But this is a whole other arena, what I'm doing. 508 00:34:40,434 --> 00:34:41,676 You know? 509 00:34:41,779 --> 00:34:45,021 Oh, that's never fun getting in and out of that. 510 00:34:45,124 --> 00:34:46,916 I teach survival. 511 00:34:46,917 --> 00:34:49,433 You know, I teach emergency preparedness. 512 00:34:49,434 --> 00:34:52,226 I teach how to get out of sticky situations. 513 00:34:52,227 --> 00:34:54,296 This is wilderness living. 514 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,917 This is different. This takes guts. 515 00:34:58,021 --> 00:35:01,157 Today, I'm going to pluck some spruce boughs 516 00:35:01,158 --> 00:35:02,607 to use for ice fishing. 517 00:35:05,952 --> 00:35:08,192 OK. 518 00:35:08,193 --> 00:35:09,468 The spruce boughs, 519 00:35:09,469 --> 00:35:10,883 we're actually going to go into the hole 520 00:35:10,986 --> 00:35:13,433 which we create when we break through the ice, 521 00:35:13,434 --> 00:35:14,676 drop the line in. 522 00:35:14,779 --> 00:35:16,676 So the boughs will be essentially 523 00:35:16,779 --> 00:35:20,054 a block for the ice to freeze solid 524 00:35:20,055 --> 00:35:22,054 and that each morning, I could break the ice 525 00:35:22,055 --> 00:35:23,847 with ease to check the lines. 526 00:35:27,469 --> 00:35:31,330 I was very warm last night. 527 00:35:31,331 --> 00:35:33,744 So that gave me a lot of hope. 528 00:35:33,745 --> 00:35:36,157 That can push me through the next three weeks 529 00:35:36,158 --> 00:35:37,778 despite the fact that 530 00:35:37,779 --> 00:35:40,744 I'm pretty sure I cooked my eyeballs. 531 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:45,054 I'm starting to notice that my eyes are becoming 532 00:35:45,055 --> 00:35:47,192 way more sensitive to the steam and smoke. 533 00:35:47,193 --> 00:35:51,433 The recovery time from the steam exposure 534 00:35:51,434 --> 00:35:53,261 is getting longer. 535 00:35:53,262 --> 00:35:56,226 My eyes-- 536 00:35:58,469 --> 00:36:02,295 I wouldn't say they hurt. They're just really irritated. 537 00:36:07,158 --> 00:36:09,192 You know, I have a lot on the line. 538 00:36:09,193 --> 00:36:11,814 I travel across the country teaching people skills. 539 00:36:11,917 --> 00:36:15,055 And here I am, struggling with smoke. 540 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:18,985 The skills part is easy. 541 00:36:18,986 --> 00:36:21,262 But even then, I've made some mistakes. 542 00:36:23,641 --> 00:36:26,262 Oh, no. 543 00:36:27,883 --> 00:36:29,261 Ugh. 544 00:36:29,262 --> 00:36:31,538 I could have chose an easier shelter to build. 545 00:36:31,641 --> 00:36:35,882 But you know, I didn't come here to play it safe. 546 00:36:36,883 --> 00:36:38,124 It's definitely a gamble 547 00:36:38,227 --> 00:36:40,813 because I know that there is a possibility 548 00:36:40,814 --> 00:36:44,364 for people to judge my performance highly. 549 00:36:44,365 --> 00:36:47,227 There's this pressure from my peers 550 00:36:47,331 --> 00:36:50,399 and my audience to do well. 551 00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:52,813 But it's well on their terms. 552 00:36:54,779 --> 00:36:56,641 And that's what's a little frustrating 553 00:36:56,745 --> 00:37:01,054 because I get to determine what doing well means. 554 00:37:01,055 --> 00:37:03,951 People are going to think whatever they want to think. 555 00:37:03,952 --> 00:37:06,123 I'm really doing this for me. 556 00:37:06,124 --> 00:37:09,365 And if anybody wants to go out and judge my experience, 557 00:37:09,469 --> 00:37:10,951 you can go get off the couch 558 00:37:10,952 --> 00:37:12,952 and apply to the show next year and prove me wrong. 559 00:37:14,917 --> 00:37:19,021 Yeah, I feel like it's time to get warm. 560 00:37:47,572 --> 00:37:51,986 Let's go down and check the gill net and the weir. 561 00:37:52,089 --> 00:37:55,640 Bit of a later start today, but on Nero time. 562 00:37:55,641 --> 00:37:57,330 So start whenever I want. 563 00:37:58,779 --> 00:38:00,676 I've been thinking about my relationship with my dad 564 00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:04,882 growing up, and just not a lot of time spent together. 565 00:38:04,883 --> 00:38:07,295 He was just working a lot of the time. 566 00:38:07,296 --> 00:38:09,951 And we'd go through little bits and pieces, 567 00:38:09,952 --> 00:38:11,951 the stereotypical playing ball 568 00:38:11,952 --> 00:38:15,157 or, you know, camping or hikes or whatever it is. 569 00:38:15,158 --> 00:38:17,745 The one thing that he always went back to was fishing. 570 00:38:22,469 --> 00:38:26,192 Yeah, buddy. 571 00:38:26,193 --> 00:38:28,021 The cold temperatures have brought 572 00:38:28,124 --> 00:38:31,985 another coney into the mix. 573 00:38:31,986 --> 00:38:35,088 Yes. 574 00:38:35,089 --> 00:38:36,883 Coney time. 575 00:38:36,986 --> 00:38:39,640 Coney time. Yes. 576 00:38:39,641 --> 00:38:41,882 It's not guaranteed yet, though. 577 00:38:41,883 --> 00:38:44,054 Gotta get it on shore. 578 00:38:46,607 --> 00:38:49,709 Oh, it's a good-sized one, too. 579 00:38:49,710 --> 00:38:51,330 All right, come on. 580 00:38:51,331 --> 00:38:54,952 Yes. 581 00:38:55,055 --> 00:38:55,952 Yes. 582 00:38:57,848 --> 00:39:00,434 Yes. 583 00:39:00,538 --> 00:39:05,434 Now a good, good size inconnu. 584 00:39:05,538 --> 00:39:07,709 Yes. 585 00:39:07,710 --> 00:39:09,502 Gill net has been working, but you know, 586 00:39:09,503 --> 00:39:10,951 I don't just sit back and do nothing. 587 00:39:10,952 --> 00:39:13,261 It's about still just trying different means. 588 00:39:13,262 --> 00:39:15,123 And not only is it calories coming in, 589 00:39:15,124 --> 00:39:19,502 but it's the variety that's going to prolong my time here. 590 00:39:19,503 --> 00:39:22,123 I'm gonna put you back in the water just for time being. 591 00:39:23,779 --> 00:39:26,157 All my life, I've been looking for external validation 592 00:39:26,158 --> 00:39:29,813 because I haven't had the confidence in who I am. 593 00:39:29,814 --> 00:39:32,848 Oh, let's get you scaled straight up. 594 00:39:32,952 --> 00:39:35,640 And it's always looking for something external, 595 00:39:35,641 --> 00:39:37,813 somebody else to give me reassurance 596 00:39:37,814 --> 00:39:40,055 about who I am and whether I'm loved 597 00:39:40,158 --> 00:39:43,054 or worthy of love and people's attention. 598 00:39:43,055 --> 00:39:46,055 Oh, this guy's pretty tough on the scales. 599 00:39:46,158 --> 00:39:49,261 I felt like just being me was never enough 600 00:39:49,262 --> 00:39:51,710 because from my experience growing up, 601 00:39:51,814 --> 00:39:53,709 it was never enough to get the love 602 00:39:53,710 --> 00:39:55,124 and attention that I wanted. 603 00:39:55,227 --> 00:39:57,295 Some of this straight in the pot. 604 00:39:57,296 --> 00:40:00,124 So I feel like I just needed to push and do more 605 00:40:00,227 --> 00:40:03,364 and be more to try and get what I thought 606 00:40:03,365 --> 00:40:05,985 was missing and what everybody else seemed to have. 607 00:40:05,986 --> 00:40:08,744 Oh yeah, it's a good first meal. 608 00:40:08,745 --> 00:40:11,848 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 609 00:40:11,952 --> 00:40:15,055 OK, let's get these gill nets sorted out. 610 00:40:18,193 --> 00:40:21,055 And now, I've come to a place where I have that, 611 00:40:21,158 --> 00:40:23,295 that inner resolve and that inner clarity 612 00:40:23,296 --> 00:40:28,675 in knowing not only who I am but knowing that I am loved 613 00:40:28,676 --> 00:40:31,503 and that I am special and worthy. 614 00:40:31,607 --> 00:40:33,054 Thank you, Mr. Inconnu, 615 00:40:33,055 --> 00:40:35,744 for not messing up my gill net too bad. 616 00:40:37,434 --> 00:40:41,123 Last few pike have been pretty violent. 617 00:40:41,124 --> 00:40:43,330 And damn, that placement's pretty damn good too. 618 00:40:43,331 --> 00:40:45,123 Because of this experience, 619 00:40:45,124 --> 00:40:46,744 for the first time in my life, 620 00:40:46,745 --> 00:40:51,917 I know and love myself regardless of anything else. 621 00:40:56,227 --> 00:40:58,021 Oh, [bleep]. 622 00:41:06,641 --> 00:41:08,193 Oh, [bleep]. 623 00:41:08,296 --> 00:41:11,331 [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep]. 624 00:41:11,434 --> 00:41:13,157 Not good. 625 00:41:15,883 --> 00:41:17,157 Not good. 626 00:41:19,572 --> 00:41:22,813 Wrong step. Wrong step. 627 00:41:24,124 --> 00:41:26,433 Wrong step. 628 00:41:26,434 --> 00:41:31,433 Gotta get back, get some firewood in, 629 00:41:31,434 --> 00:41:35,640 and get back and get dry. 630 00:41:35,641 --> 00:41:38,296 Dry, dry, dry. 631 00:41:46,814 --> 00:41:48,192 That sucked. 632 00:41:50,745 --> 00:41:54,606 That was above-the-knee submersion. 633 00:41:54,607 --> 00:41:56,744 Then I put my left hand out. 634 00:41:59,986 --> 00:42:05,710 Water went all into my left mitt as well. 635 00:42:07,917 --> 00:42:11,158 I've got a fresh change of thermals. 636 00:42:11,262 --> 00:42:13,709 My pot's full of food. 637 00:42:13,710 --> 00:42:16,193 So I can essentially just bunker down now 638 00:42:16,296 --> 00:42:18,571 and just dry out all my stuff. 639 00:42:18,572 --> 00:42:21,365 So in that regards, really thankful. 640 00:42:21,469 --> 00:42:23,778 That was a good reminder I should be smarter 641 00:42:23,779 --> 00:42:26,364 and I should clear that and make sure 642 00:42:26,365 --> 00:42:27,779 that's all very, very accurate 643 00:42:27,883 --> 00:42:29,433 with where to actually step. 644 00:42:30,986 --> 00:42:32,778 Could have been worse. 645 00:42:34,124 --> 00:42:35,675 Let's get yous dry. 646 00:42:37,572 --> 00:42:39,055 It's not a straightforward decision 647 00:42:39,158 --> 00:42:40,469 to choose to come on "Alone." 648 00:42:41,848 --> 00:42:43,124 That's really good. 649 00:42:43,227 --> 00:42:45,676 Really, really good. 650 00:42:45,779 --> 00:42:47,088 There's a lot of risks, 651 00:42:47,089 --> 00:42:49,537 not necessarily to do with the environment, 652 00:42:49,538 --> 00:42:52,295 all of that, absolutely is something to consider. 653 00:42:52,296 --> 00:42:55,157 But you're also putting yourself out there 654 00:42:55,158 --> 00:42:58,330 to be seen, to be judged, 655 00:42:58,331 --> 00:43:01,709 and there's a lot of things that are outside your control 656 00:43:01,710 --> 00:43:04,469 that can really impact and dictate your journey 657 00:43:04,572 --> 00:43:07,226 and how your experience is going to be. 658 00:43:07,227 --> 00:43:09,916 Oh, that's good. Yeah. 659 00:43:09,917 --> 00:43:14,537 And to do that publicly is-- yeah, it's scary. 660 00:43:14,538 --> 00:43:16,538 That's really nice as well. 661 00:43:16,641 --> 00:43:18,123 There's things that you kind of have in mind 662 00:43:18,124 --> 00:43:20,778 how you'd like your experience to be 663 00:43:20,779 --> 00:43:24,123 and the story that you'd like to share. 664 00:43:24,124 --> 00:43:26,951 But life doesn't play out that way. 665 00:43:26,952 --> 00:43:28,399 Life just happens the way it happens. 666 00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:30,400 And you just need to adjust 667 00:43:30,503 --> 00:43:34,157 and accept that you're vulnerable. 668 00:43:34,158 --> 00:43:36,192 Like, it was never my intention to come out here 669 00:43:36,193 --> 00:43:39,779 and work on my relationship with my dad. 670 00:43:55,124 --> 00:43:58,951 I was lying in my sleeping bag. 671 00:43:58,952 --> 00:44:01,330 And-- 672 00:44:01,331 --> 00:44:03,813 I-- 673 00:44:03,814 --> 00:44:08,813 I thought about my dad. 674 00:44:08,814 --> 00:44:10,400 And... 675 00:44:15,089 --> 00:44:19,640 Internally, I've been very critical of him. 676 00:44:19,641 --> 00:44:23,882 And resentful because... 677 00:44:25,745 --> 00:44:28,572 You know, for me, as a child, 678 00:44:28,676 --> 00:44:31,192 you know, I just wish that he was around more. 679 00:44:33,055 --> 00:44:35,537 And spent more time with him. 680 00:44:37,952 --> 00:44:41,641 But he just worked a lot. 681 00:44:41,745 --> 00:44:45,571 Just like-- 682 00:44:47,538 --> 00:44:51,606 Just spent so much time, sacrificed so much of his time 683 00:44:51,607 --> 00:44:54,676 and his life working. 684 00:44:56,848 --> 00:44:59,502 To look after us and to provide for us. 685 00:45:01,814 --> 00:45:03,364 He'd do anything for us. 686 00:45:03,365 --> 00:45:06,157 He still would do anything for me. 687 00:45:07,572 --> 00:45:09,434 He would. 688 00:45:09,538 --> 00:45:10,848 If I needed help... 689 00:45:15,296 --> 00:45:18,882 And asked, at the drop of a hat, 690 00:45:18,883 --> 00:45:20,848 he would come and do it. 691 00:45:24,710 --> 00:45:29,882 He's given so much to support. 692 00:45:32,848 --> 00:45:35,123 And do what he thought was right. 693 00:45:37,124 --> 00:45:41,571 And here I've been just resentful. 694 00:45:41,572 --> 00:45:44,193 Holding a grudge. 695 00:45:44,296 --> 00:45:47,951 And he did exactly what I'd do for my son. 696 00:45:47,952 --> 00:45:50,020 I'd do anything for him. 697 00:45:53,021 --> 00:45:55,226 I'd go through that for him. 698 00:45:58,021 --> 00:46:01,331 And have I ever really, truly said thank you? 699 00:46:03,779 --> 00:46:06,571 And shown my gratitude to my dad? 700 00:46:12,676 --> 00:46:13,813 Thank you, Dad. 701 00:46:16,503 --> 00:46:18,226 I love you. 702 00:46:29,434 --> 00:46:31,261 And you know, the thing is... 703 00:46:34,883 --> 00:46:38,537 I came out here 704 00:46:38,538 --> 00:46:40,916 to learn and grow, 705 00:46:40,917 --> 00:46:44,571 to become a better father for my son. 706 00:46:46,917 --> 00:46:50,848 I didn't realize 707 00:46:50,952 --> 00:46:54,744 what else I needed to do is come out here to become 708 00:46:54,745 --> 00:46:59,640 a better son for my own dad. 709 00:46:59,641 --> 00:47:04,330 You deserve more. 710 00:47:04,331 --> 00:47:08,986 You deserve a better son. 711 00:47:09,089 --> 00:47:13,331 When I get back, I want to spend more time with my dad. 712 00:47:30,779 --> 00:47:33,468 Cramp started again. 713 00:47:37,848 --> 00:47:39,261 Oh, God. 714 00:47:46,538 --> 00:47:48,745 Good morning. 715 00:47:48,848 --> 00:47:50,330 Wow, it was a wild one last night. 716 00:47:50,331 --> 00:47:51,571 It's still a bit wild now. 717 00:47:51,572 --> 00:47:55,330 It's, uh, it's been pretty windy. 718 00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:58,744 And the floor of my shelter 719 00:47:58,745 --> 00:48:02,433 is covered with spindrift snow 720 00:48:02,434 --> 00:48:05,882 which has just blown in through the chimney. 721 00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:09,745 However, my bed is completely snow-free, 722 00:48:09,848 --> 00:48:12,709 so that makes me a very happy bunny. 723 00:48:12,710 --> 00:48:17,572 Um, right, OK, so this is the view this morning. 724 00:48:17,676 --> 00:48:20,778 There's a fair amount of extra snow overnight. 725 00:48:20,779 --> 00:48:24,951 Right, let's have a quick check of the local snares. 726 00:48:26,365 --> 00:48:27,814 Temperature's dropping quite a lot, 727 00:48:27,917 --> 00:48:32,985 so that seems to indicate that the snow 728 00:48:32,986 --> 00:48:34,882 may be over for a while. 729 00:48:34,883 --> 00:48:40,020 And as tough as it is to have low temperatures... 730 00:48:41,296 --> 00:48:44,709 I'm finding the snow is more difficult to manage. 731 00:48:44,710 --> 00:48:48,088 It sort of covers up all the tracks. 732 00:48:50,952 --> 00:48:53,778 No fox tracks, no-- no anything. 733 00:48:53,779 --> 00:48:55,295 This is-- it's a worry, really, 734 00:48:55,296 --> 00:48:58,502 because if there's no game, there's no food. 735 00:49:00,124 --> 00:49:03,503 Wow, the snow is deep here. Look at this. 736 00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:05,675 And I'm wearing these bibs. 737 00:49:05,676 --> 00:49:07,055 I'm going to need them. 738 00:49:09,021 --> 00:49:11,883 This is going to be slow going today. 739 00:49:16,986 --> 00:49:20,157 It's my first snare here. There's nothing in that. 740 00:49:20,158 --> 00:49:22,088 Let's move that around a little bit. 741 00:49:23,986 --> 00:49:26,365 I've had a pretty good run. I've had quite a few hares. 742 00:49:26,469 --> 00:49:29,813 But the weather became a lot more unsettled. 743 00:49:29,814 --> 00:49:31,813 The winds can be pretty strong, 744 00:49:31,814 --> 00:49:34,433 and that causes snow drifts. 745 00:49:34,434 --> 00:49:36,193 There's a run through here as well. 746 00:49:36,296 --> 00:49:38,262 I mean, some of the snares have been completely buried. 747 00:49:38,365 --> 00:49:40,054 Nothing in that one. 748 00:49:41,055 --> 00:49:43,089 I'll move that one up a bit. 749 00:49:43,193 --> 00:49:44,502 Those that aren't completely covered 750 00:49:44,503 --> 00:49:46,502 are moved out of position. 751 00:49:46,503 --> 00:49:49,433 And as a result, my ability to catch hares 752 00:49:49,434 --> 00:49:52,089 has diminished quite significantly. 753 00:49:52,193 --> 00:49:54,847 So it's getting tough, definitely getting tough. 754 00:49:56,538 --> 00:49:59,710 Every step is just brutal punishment. 755 00:50:01,296 --> 00:50:04,364 And there's got to be an easier way of getting hares. 756 00:50:04,365 --> 00:50:07,123 Or any kind of food, for that matter. 757 00:50:07,124 --> 00:50:09,331 So I shall go back. 758 00:50:09,986 --> 00:50:12,227 I've found myself in a position where 759 00:50:12,331 --> 00:50:14,778 I'm not having any success fishing. 760 00:50:14,779 --> 00:50:16,882 The foraging is not happening 761 00:50:16,883 --> 00:50:18,192 because there's too much snow out. 762 00:50:18,193 --> 00:50:19,985 All the berries are covered. 763 00:50:19,986 --> 00:50:21,813 And my one source of food, 764 00:50:21,814 --> 00:50:24,468 suddenly now, I can't catch them. 765 00:50:26,503 --> 00:50:30,882 I can't honestly see this going on another month or more. 766 00:50:30,883 --> 00:50:35,710 Just not much prospect of getting any more food, really. 767 00:50:35,814 --> 00:50:38,882 This is definitely one of the toughest parts. 768 00:50:38,883 --> 00:50:40,537 You know, I've had a few periods 769 00:50:40,538 --> 00:50:44,158 of starvation before now in the early stages. 770 00:50:44,262 --> 00:50:46,330 But at this stage, it's far more serious 771 00:50:46,331 --> 00:50:48,951 because I just have no body weight to spare. 772 00:50:48,952 --> 00:50:53,640 So a gap in my ability to actually trap hares 773 00:50:53,641 --> 00:50:55,986 suddenly has become a pretty serious threat 774 00:50:56,089 --> 00:50:58,606 to my ability to function. 775 00:50:58,607 --> 00:51:00,709 I hate returning home empty-handed. 776 00:51:00,710 --> 00:51:02,330 Oof, wow. 777 00:51:02,331 --> 00:51:04,778 You would not believe how hard everything becomes 778 00:51:04,779 --> 00:51:09,502 when you are in a calorie deficit. 779 00:51:09,503 --> 00:51:11,330 Oh, my God. 780 00:51:27,193 --> 00:51:30,295 Wow, and what a mess. Look at me. God. 781 00:51:33,434 --> 00:51:37,537 Nature and the outdoors is an unforgiving place. 782 00:51:37,538 --> 00:51:38,951 And today was one of those days 783 00:51:38,952 --> 00:51:41,675 that reminds you of how unforgiving it can be 784 00:51:41,676 --> 00:51:45,571 and how poorly my body is performing 785 00:51:45,572 --> 00:51:47,778 under the circumstances. 786 00:51:47,779 --> 00:51:49,330 There's a little piece of me that just 787 00:51:49,331 --> 00:51:50,572 wants to push that button. 788 00:51:50,676 --> 00:51:54,779 And I can just sit back, sip a cup of coffee, 789 00:51:54,883 --> 00:51:59,021 and I won't have to worry about the struggle anymore. 790 00:52:02,227 --> 00:52:03,330 There's a lot of people out here 791 00:52:03,331 --> 00:52:04,710 that perform at a very high level 792 00:52:04,814 --> 00:52:07,710 within the world of bushcraft and survival skills. 793 00:52:07,814 --> 00:52:09,986 But this is a massive, massive challenge 794 00:52:10,089 --> 00:52:13,123 regardless of how skilled or experienced you are. 795 00:52:13,124 --> 00:52:16,571 Real hardship, real starvation. 796 00:52:16,572 --> 00:52:18,571 And it's painful. 797 00:52:18,572 --> 00:52:20,330 That's enough of monkey business. 798 00:52:22,124 --> 00:52:23,571 I think as a younger man, 799 00:52:23,572 --> 00:52:26,364 I wouldn't have been able to tolerate the discomfort 800 00:52:26,365 --> 00:52:28,951 in the same way that I can now. 801 00:52:28,952 --> 00:52:31,813 I can't stand it. 802 00:52:31,814 --> 00:52:34,607 The knocks that life tends to throw at you... 803 00:52:36,158 --> 00:52:38,468 Have an amazing ability to make you very resilient. 804 00:52:41,952 --> 00:52:43,088 It's a fight. 805 00:52:43,089 --> 00:52:45,261 Every day now is becoming a fight. 806 00:52:46,917 --> 00:52:50,745 Every day is getting harder. Every day is getting colder. 807 00:52:50,848 --> 00:52:53,364 Every day, we're getting skinnier. 808 00:52:53,365 --> 00:52:57,502 How long I can continue for is up for question. 809 00:53:00,055 --> 00:53:01,813 As tough as it is, 810 00:53:01,814 --> 00:53:05,262 the more of that school of hard knocks that you get, 811 00:53:05,365 --> 00:53:06,883 the more resilient you become. 812 00:53:09,055 --> 00:53:11,469 And that's the reality of the world we're in. 813 00:53:38,848 --> 00:53:40,434 What's up? 814 00:53:42,848 --> 00:53:45,813 Today, I was going to go work on a trap line. 815 00:53:45,814 --> 00:53:48,296 But with the snow, 816 00:53:48,400 --> 00:53:50,916 that doesn't really make a lot of sense. 817 00:53:50,917 --> 00:53:53,883 However, the gill net needs to be repaired. 818 00:53:55,607 --> 00:53:58,365 Ah, [bleep]. 819 00:53:58,469 --> 00:54:00,124 And the good thing is is that we don't actually have to make 820 00:54:00,227 --> 00:54:04,606 a full net because we're just repairing some things. 821 00:54:04,607 --> 00:54:10,054 But I think if I had to guess, about 4 feet should be plenty. 822 00:54:11,710 --> 00:54:14,226 4 feet is still a lot to net-make. 823 00:54:15,848 --> 00:54:18,847 The good thing is that we've got nothing but time. 824 00:54:21,055 --> 00:54:24,330 I've been having a lot of really extreme emotions here 825 00:54:24,331 --> 00:54:27,295 about failure and image and ego. 826 00:54:28,331 --> 00:54:29,917 Maybe it's a good thing. 827 00:54:31,779 --> 00:54:34,744 Maybe I'm having an ego death. 828 00:54:34,745 --> 00:54:38,364 Even if I just do this for me and my personal goals, 829 00:54:38,365 --> 00:54:43,847 it's really easy to say I can be happy with what I've done. 830 00:54:43,848 --> 00:54:45,848 Well, it looks like I'm going to be doing this for a while. 831 00:54:48,193 --> 00:54:49,641 Is that right? 832 00:54:49,745 --> 00:54:53,433 But then I think about the countless young women 833 00:54:53,434 --> 00:54:58,710 who feel that they can't do incredible things... 834 00:55:00,331 --> 00:55:02,779 Great. So, yeah, now I can't see. 835 00:55:02,883 --> 00:55:04,193 [bleep]. 836 00:55:08,400 --> 00:55:11,985 Who feel that somebody else 837 00:55:11,986 --> 00:55:13,847 wrote the script to their life. 838 00:55:15,193 --> 00:55:19,262 My story can show them that, yeah, 839 00:55:19,365 --> 00:55:21,847 you can change your narrative. 840 00:55:21,848 --> 00:55:25,710 My journey has changed my life 841 00:55:25,814 --> 00:55:27,883 from one of resistance to reward. 842 00:55:29,917 --> 00:55:31,916 From reaching to releasing, 843 00:55:31,917 --> 00:55:35,538 and the confidence to take back the pen 844 00:55:35,641 --> 00:55:38,502 to writing my own narrative. 845 00:55:43,365 --> 00:55:46,537 I think I burnt my eyes again. 846 00:55:53,779 --> 00:55:55,813 So you can't tell, I want-- [bleep] hot. 847 00:55:58,089 --> 00:56:01,330 Damn it. 848 00:56:09,607 --> 00:56:12,779 It's too painful. I can't do it. 849 00:56:14,848 --> 00:56:17,744 I can't [bleep] do this right now. 850 00:56:19,917 --> 00:56:23,434 The smoke is rising and-- 851 00:56:25,745 --> 00:56:28,020 I can't [bleep] see! 852 00:56:36,296 --> 00:56:38,088 I don't know what to do. 853 00:56:38,089 --> 00:56:40,295 I have to get this [bleep] net done. 854 00:56:40,296 --> 00:56:43,537 I don't know what to do. 855 00:56:43,538 --> 00:56:46,951 Here is my 856 00:56:46,952 --> 00:56:49,193 favorite-least-favorite part of the day. 857 00:56:49,296 --> 00:56:51,365 It's like, I get to be warm. 858 00:56:51,469 --> 00:56:52,848 I get to eat. 859 00:56:52,952 --> 00:56:55,744 But then I have to be tortured at the same time. 860 00:56:59,607 --> 00:57:01,847 My eyes. [bleep]. 861 00:57:04,331 --> 00:57:06,951 I can't even open them. 862 00:57:06,952 --> 00:57:11,331 It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. 863 00:57:15,158 --> 00:57:18,985 I'm not really ready for bed, but I can't see. 864 00:57:21,607 --> 00:57:25,399 So I can't do anything. 865 00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:28,192 Oh, my eyes. 866 00:57:28,193 --> 00:57:31,020 Oh, my God. My eyes. 867 00:58:01,986 --> 00:58:05,261 I don't know what to do. 868 00:58:05,262 --> 00:58:08,434 I think I really hurt my eyes. 869 00:58:10,848 --> 00:58:15,882 It's been 12 hours. 870 00:58:15,883 --> 00:58:20,917 And I can somewhat open my right one. 871 00:58:23,745 --> 00:58:26,778 Barely my left. 872 00:58:26,779 --> 00:58:30,572 Um, my left one feels like there's something in it. 873 00:58:32,952 --> 00:58:37,469 Like it's scratchy or it's cut. 874 00:58:37,572 --> 00:58:40,502 I can't open them for more than a second or two 875 00:58:40,503 --> 00:58:43,020 without tears coming to my eyes. 876 00:58:53,124 --> 00:58:57,088 I can't see the screen. 877 00:59:00,055 --> 00:59:02,193 Everything's really blurry. 878 00:59:04,676 --> 00:59:09,295 We do have a syringe in our med kit. 879 00:59:11,986 --> 00:59:13,847 And I was thinking about how I could use that 880 00:59:13,848 --> 00:59:17,296 maybe to flush my eyes out. 881 00:59:17,400 --> 00:59:20,295 But I can't safely disinfect water right now. 882 00:59:23,676 --> 00:59:25,916 I'd have to build a fire. 883 00:59:28,710 --> 00:59:32,192 I didn't foresee this in any way. 884 00:59:32,193 --> 00:59:36,434 As someone who is a professional in this field, 885 00:59:36,538 --> 00:59:39,055 I am embarrassed, but things happen. 886 00:59:40,503 --> 00:59:43,433 I can't lay here 887 00:59:43,434 --> 00:59:45,640 all day trying to get warm 888 00:59:45,641 --> 00:59:49,847 and be blind in an environment like this. 889 00:59:51,227 --> 00:59:53,261 I can't. It's not safe. 890 00:59:53,262 --> 00:59:57,640 It's not smart. And... 891 00:59:59,227 --> 01:00:01,744 There's nothing more I can do. 892 01:00:14,158 --> 01:00:16,433 This is Jacks, 893 01:00:16,434 --> 01:00:19,399 and I am officially tapping out. 894 01:00:28,089 --> 01:00:33,675 I put some snow in this gauze for inflammation. 895 01:00:33,676 --> 01:00:36,710 Maybe it'll melt, irrigate my eyes a little bit. 896 01:00:47,814 --> 01:00:51,296 This was not an easy decision for me to make. 897 01:00:55,814 --> 01:00:59,468 I've always had a problem with self-care, 898 01:00:59,469 --> 01:01:03,710 and I think that's because there is a lack of-- 899 01:01:03,814 --> 01:01:08,709 there is a little bit of a lack of love there towards the self. 900 01:01:08,710 --> 01:01:13,364 I know that by leaving here is protecting myself. 901 01:01:13,365 --> 01:01:17,745 That is self-care, and it's the greatest act of self-love. 902 01:01:20,745 --> 01:01:25,054 I became much more vulnerable, 903 01:01:25,055 --> 01:01:28,641 but much more authentic out here. 904 01:01:28,745 --> 01:01:32,676 And in return, I actually think I became stronger, 905 01:01:32,779 --> 01:01:37,020 way more connected to land and spirit, 906 01:01:37,021 --> 01:01:40,261 courageous. 907 01:01:40,262 --> 01:01:44,883 I've never felt more alive... 908 01:01:46,848 --> 01:01:51,503 In my entire life than I have in the past two months. 909 01:02:00,745 --> 01:02:03,331 I never thought I could feel that. 910 01:02:09,089 --> 01:02:11,295 This is the first time in my life where 911 01:02:11,296 --> 01:02:15,502 I've chosen me 912 01:02:15,503 --> 01:02:18,502 before anything else, really. 913 01:02:20,952 --> 01:02:24,537 This is the first time in my life that I chose 914 01:02:24,538 --> 01:02:27,330 to love my most authentic self 915 01:02:29,745 --> 01:02:31,640 over the armor that I wear. 916 01:02:33,607 --> 01:02:37,606 This is a side of me that I normally don't let people see. 917 01:02:37,607 --> 01:02:39,468 My truth is out there. 918 01:02:39,469 --> 01:02:41,468 Who I really am is out there. 919 01:02:41,469 --> 01:02:45,916 And now, I'm free. 920 01:02:45,917 --> 01:02:48,709 I don't need that armor anymore. 921 01:02:48,710 --> 01:02:51,952 This experience has given me the best gift possible. 922 01:02:53,503 --> 01:02:57,951 And that is that I can fully be that person now. 923 01:02:57,952 --> 01:03:00,848 I get to leave here 924 01:03:00,952 --> 01:03:03,847 leaning into that person, 925 01:03:03,848 --> 01:03:06,502 and I get to love that person now. 926 01:03:06,503 --> 01:03:09,883 Being here was an opportunity of a lifetime. 927 01:03:14,055 --> 01:03:15,502 But this? 928 01:03:17,055 --> 01:03:18,744 You know, this is forever. 929 01:03:42,331 --> 01:03:44,675 Unless ice fishing starts to produce, 930 01:03:44,676 --> 01:03:46,468 things are not looking good for me. 931 01:03:46,469 --> 01:03:48,088 I've had an idea 932 01:03:48,089 --> 01:03:51,710 that will allow "Hiraeth" the coracle to rise again. 933 01:03:53,262 --> 01:03:56,710 Holy crap. What the heck is happening with the shelter? 934 01:03:58,469 --> 01:03:59,675 [bleep]. 935 01:03:59,676 --> 01:04:01,813 My family photo. 936 01:04:01,814 --> 01:04:04,848 Not having my family, the love, the attention, 937 01:04:04,952 --> 01:04:08,193 the affection, that's what slowly wears you down.