All language subtitles for Threshold.2026.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-MADSKY.eng

Okay, are you ready?
You feeling all right? - Set.

Yup.

From a young age,

I've had this relentless desire
to be perfect.

Jessie Diggins!

This voice would say,

"You're not doing
enough right now.

You need to work harder."

You have to be willing
to suffer like nobody else.

And even when I knew,

"This is going to kill me..."

...I kept going.

This is the first time I've
opened this and looked at this.

Winning the
Overall Globe in '21.

First place
in the Distance Cup, '21.

Falun, 2015 did not deserve it.

Why do you keep them in a box?

I mean, it's a piece of metal
and it--

This is very cool.

This is something that you could
work a lifetime to get, but...

it doesn't give you
a free pass for life.

And so, I wanna wake up
every single day

and earn the right to be proud
of who I am and what I do.

And that's the way I feel

before every single season.

Here we are...

and there's our little girl!

Get to cat-- Hi, darling!

Hey, darling, are you gonna show
us your crawling?

"You wanna see walking?"

Oh, here we go.

- Jessie!
- Time take off!

Yay!

Hey!

Go!

Run, run, run.

That's right!

Tell Mommy who loves you.

- Daddy!
- Daddy.

Before I was old enough to ski,

my parents would put me
in their backpack

and I used to like yell
at my dad

to go faster and faster.

She'd call it "Go super speed."

She'd put on a burst
and we'd have a--

have a little sprint out,
you know, back uh--

back in the day.

We had a camper.

While Jess was, probably
about... maybe six.

And so, we did a lot of weekend
camping at state parks.

And we have some
great memories of just like,

you know, packing
up the family and Crock-Pot

full of chili
and going and skiing.

And, you know,
we always tried to make sure

it was fun for the kids.

I thought
it was so cool to be

zooming around
on the trails and...

from a very early age,

I learned
that this was such a cool way

to be with your family.

And eventually,

I wanted to start skiing faster
and faster and...

definitely started to become
interested in racing.

I think I was like 11 or 12.

And my dad found me
at the finish and I think

he expected me to be cold
and in tears and miserable.

And instead, I was like,
"Dad, this was great.

I'm doing it next year,
let's come back."

He was like, "Oh, okay.

She likes suffering, I guess."

So I think athletically,
I take after my dad.

I just remember

one day he was out in the park.

He was, like, ten miles
from his car

when he broke his foot running

and just ran back to the car.

And dad must
have been in agony.

And he just... said nothing.

I have always
been fascinated

with the mental side
of endurance sports.

When your body is telling you,

it's like, "Okay, this--
It's time to back off."

Being able to push through
from an athletic standpoint

was always fascinating to me.

And that was something
that Jessie

was really interested in
from an early age as well.

So what I would do is
I'd get these VHS tapes

of some of the World Cup races.

And of course, Jessie would be

sitting there
right alongside me,

you know, wanting to-- To know

what was going
on and who the athletes were.

Seeing his passion for it was
really cool for me.

And I remember just laying on
the floor in the basement

watching the Olympics
with my dad and thinking,

"I'm gonna win
the Olympics someday.

Watch me do it."

So in seventh grade,

they put her
on the junior varsity

high school team.

And one day,

one of the varsity
skiers got sick,

they couldn't ski.

And so the coach said,
"Okay, Jessie,

you're going in. You got
five minutes to get ready."

I took off so fast.

I pushed myself...

so hard and was so focused.

But I also thought...

"...I'm going to die."

I kept pushing myself

without really thinking about
what it was doing to me.

I couldn't breathe,
I couldn't think,

I couldn't feel my legs.

I felt like
I was gonna pass out.

I was in so much pain.

I'd never felt like that before.

Well, doesn't she win the race.

And all of a sudden, it's like,

"Whoa," then you've got
coaches and everybody

looking at the timing sheets
after. "Was there a mistake?"

"How did this little kid
win in that?"

And a minute passed,
and I was like, "Oh...

this didn't kill me."

I just realized,
like, "Holy shit,

there's this whole next level."

And feeling that

extreme high and the rush after
the race was...

...amazing.
I remember thinking, like,

"I'm never gonna be able
to race the same again."

Like, "Everything changes
from this moment on."

She became a phenom all
through high school.

Every race was a blowout.

Jessie Diggins
is just a freshman,

but the Stillwater skier
is the best in Minnesota.

On Friday, she easily won
the State Nordic Ski Pursuit Championship

at Giants Ridge,
capturing both the freestyle

and classical races.

When I saw
the person behind me wasn't

going to catch me, it was
really, really fun.

The first time
I heard about Jessie,

she was probably
15 years old,

and she really stood
out immediately.

I remember meeting her

at a regional elite group camp
in Wisconsin.

And while everyone else
was napping or

resting after lunch

or swimming,

Jessie wanted to work

on technique a little bit more.

You know, at the time, we

were just-- Thought this was
the greatest thing ever.

Like, this athlete that
just wants to work harder.

And I just remember thinking,

"This is who
we should be recruiting."

So eventually, we did.

And she went from high school

to becoming
a professional ski racer

as a member
of the national team.

Jessica Diggins
is up the first 1500 meters.

She's an incredible fighter
though,

is, uh, Jess Diggins,
out of Minnesota

Look at Jess Diggins
on the podium

in the distance race.

What a fantastic day for the
American team.

And look what
this silver means! -

So you look super
happy, tell me.

I am super happy.

This has been
the best race of my life.

To be behind Kalla, who

I really admire so much, is...

like a dream come true.

I still have posters
of these girls

up on my walls at home.

They-- You don't know that, but,

um, now you do.

She was still really
young at that time.

So I thought,
"All right, this is--

This is the start
of something that's gonna--

That's just on--
gonna grow from here."

But, uh...

I think everything really
changed for her...

...in Pyeongchang.

The United States hasn't won an
Olympic medal in cross-country

skiing since 1976.

Several skiers
hope to change that.

Team sprint final.

Six laps.

Kikkan Randall in the middle
of the front row

of the United States.

Jess Diggins second
for the U.S.

- Away we go then.

Kikkan Randall in the middle
of the field.

It was a relay race.

Jessie was the last leg.

And Randall to Diggins.

Here we go.

And as they're dwindling
down to that final lap,

it was pretty obvious, like,
"Hey, it's down

to Norway, Sweden,

and United States.

As the roars rattle around

the cross-country stadium

in Pyeongchang,
Sweden, the U.S.,

and Norway come into the line.

Here comes Diggins! Here comes Diggins!

Diggins making
the play around Sweden!

- Jessie Diggins to the line!
- Yes! Yes! Yes!

- Yes! Gold!
- And it is Jessie Diggins

delivering a landmark moment

that will be etched in U.S.
Olympic history.

The first-ever cross-country
gold medal for the U.S.

Oh, what a
performance from Jess Diggins.

I was so amazed and overwhelmed

that this had happened.

Your child's huge,
huge, crazy dream

just came true right in
front of your eyes, you know?

And it's--
It's just unbelievable.

The first-ever gold medal for

the United States
in cross-country skiing.

And because of that,
Jessica Diggins,

she has been selected
as the flag bearer

for Sunday night's closing
ceremony of Pyeongchang.

Good for her.
That's very cool. - Right?

Please welcome
2018 Olympic gold medal

cross-country skier,
and Minnesota's own,

Jessie Diggins!

My agent was like,
"You can ask for

anything you want right now."

Like, "Do you wanna go
to Disney World?

Do you want a car?
What do you want?"

And I was like, "I want a World
Cup in Minneapolis.

He was like, "Ooh,
that's a big ask."

I've gotten the chance
to race about 150 World Cups in my career,

not a single one of them has
been in the United States yet.

It was so... incredible.

It changed my entire
life trajectory.

And it just kept
getting bigger.

Jessie Diggins...

Congrats, Jessie!

Jessie Diggins,

she's the most decorated

American cross-country

skier in Olympic history.

She does it all with her
signature glitter brushed

across her cheeks.

All of a sudden,
you're being told,

"You are the face
of American skiing.

You're America's sweetheart.

Everybody's watching."

For me, it's so important to
take care of my body,

and Chipotle is my go-to place.

You're getting asked to do
all these events.

And I did 100 events
in 50 days.

And for six years,

I just kept doing that.

I just...

...kept doing more
and more and more.

I've gotten so good at being in
pain while I'm skiing.

But in my life,

I was starting
to get really good at

quietly being
a little bit in pain

all the time.

I present to you
tonight's keynote speaker,

Jessie Diggins.

Now, there are gonna be times
when life gets hard.

And there are gonna be times
when sport gets rough.

And that's when we lean
on our support systems

to carry us through

so that we can continue
to inspire the next generation.

And for the first time
in over 20 years,

all those little kids
are gonna have a chance

to be inspired
by their heroes in person

at the Minneapolis
World Cup in February.

I'm gonna get to race
in front of the community

and the people who raised me,

who believed in me from the very
first time I ever put on skis.

I'd heard this
analogy of stress

as this bubble of water
where you just keep

adding a drop at a time.

Thank you.

And the bubble grows
and grows and grows...

...until suddenly
it just bursts.

And...

that's kind of how it's felt.

But I just kept pushing past
all these warning signs,

because I felt like...

"This is fine, this is fine,
I can handle this."

But without
even thinking about it,

it's something that I hadn't
felt for quite a long time,

it came back.

In my senior year
of high school,

I started having
to wrestle with the...

go to college
or don't go to college.

I had deferred enrollment

because I wanted
to just go all in on skiing.

And I do remember getting

a lot of questions
from other parents,

"What do you mean
you're not going to college?

Everyone's going to college,

why would you turn this down?"

And for something
so uncertain too.

At that time, the U.S.
had very little funding.

The team was absolutely tiny.

To get on the U.S. ski team,

you had to be
top 30 in the world.

So I kept thinking, if I could
just train more

and train harder, I'll make
the national team next year.

And I wanted to have
a 4.0 GPA when I graduated

and I wanted to take
all the college classes

and get all the college credits
for them and

still be in the top
level orchestra.

I was just trying to go 100%

in every single corner
of my life

because I couldn't sit still

with the feeling
that I was not enough.

She always had this desire
to take on... more,

and in some cases,
too much.

I remember the year
that I was at World Juniors

and I saw all these girls who
never touched their dessert,

who cut every
single piece of fat off

of their meat and were all
looking at each other's plates

and trying to eat
as little as possible.

I remember looking around,
being like,

"Why am I the only one
eating this food?

I guess this is
what I need to do."

My mom said when I came back,
I was not the same.

My body was changing because

I was going through the second
wave of puberty and,

like, training really hard
and gaining muscle.

But I was always
such a skinny little kid,

I was built like a little boy

and suddenly I didn't have

a little boy body
and I hated it.

I couldn't stand
being in my own skin.

I would judge myself for

eating a normal amount
thinking it was too much

so I would go make myself
run in the dark at night.

It wasn't normal, it wasn't good
and I was so unhappy.

Her behavior had been
getting stranger and stranger.

She wasn't... herself,

she wasn't
her happy personality.

So at that point I said,
"What's up?"

But she was not ready to share
what she was feeling.

My parents tried
many times to talk

and I always brushed it off.

"I'm fine, I'm busy,
I have to go.

I'm leaving, I'm out the door,
I'm late for training."

I became such a good liar.

Jessie was starting to

miss family dinners and say,

"You know what? I'm not hungry."

I would say like,
"Oh, I'm-- I already ate"

like, "I don't need
to come down to dinner."

And we always ate as a family,

like, every night we would
sit around the table and

talk about our day and, like,

laugh and suddenly it was
this scary thing

that I had to avoid
at all costs.

To have your generally happy,

joyful child

become someone who's angry and

resentful and unpleasant,

it's just-- it was a total 180.

One day,
I was going to work,

and I wanted
to crawl out of my skin.

And I pulled into a gas station

and went into the bathroom
and made myself throw up.

And I'd never done that before.

I wasn't even thinking,
I just couldn't stand myself.

And I remember
looking in the mirror...

...and I had tears just
sliding down my face and I...

didn't recognize myself.

I felt nothing.

I didn't feel anything.

Suddenly this, like,
roaring in my head of like,

"You are nothing,
you are not good enough,

you will never be perfect",
it just stopped.

And...

I remember thinking, "Oh, my
God, I can make this go away."

As I headed into the season,

I could feel that voice
that wanted me

to just disappear.

And it's made me feel
really confused

because I thought
I was past this.

But I found myself

trying to feel nothing again.

Two... One, two, three, go!

What she told me was that it

happened when I wasn't around.

And I think that's
probably what made it

harder for me to hear, was like,

"Well, I'm here and
you're in Vermont."

Oh, my God.

I would talk with her
every day, we always do.

And I would just ask,
"How are you doing?"

You know, like, um,

"Tell me about your day
and how are you feeling?" And like, I would try and--

I would try and get at

the point without trying to--

I don't know, be too obvious
or-- or be direct.

I didn't want to--
I didn't want her to feel like

I was concerned all the time.

Oh, can you open
that jar for me, please?

Thank you.

I would go visit her
on the weekends

and she told me she
felt good when I was there.

And I was like, "Well, that
makes me feel good."

But when the season starts,

we'll be across the ocean
from each other for months.

I remember pretty early
on in dating,

she told me that she had
struggled with

an eating disorder years ago.

But this is my first
experience with it

as it currently happening.

To date, it had always been...

...something that was in the
background, in the past.

I was about
to leave for the season.

And I started to wonder,

should I do this?

I started thinking to myself,

you could make
the outside of your body

look as sick as you
feel in your soul right now.

And then no one will ask you
for interviews

and no one will ask
you for anything.

And you can just rest.

And as I was grappling
with this decision,

my phone rang
and it was Matt calling me.

I was picking up
on a jittery kid.

I did call Jessie, um--

And I said, "Jessie, you know,
the reason I'm calling

is because, um,

like, you've been doing
this for a long time

and I know
there's pressure,

and I-- I just want you to know

um, I'm calling you as a friend,

and I'm saying,
you don't have to do this."

It was like, somehow he
had read my mind.

He gave me permission.

Like, "If you are secretly
searching for an out

and you are just hoping
someone will give it to you, here it is."

And I didn't take it.

I can't...

You want
me to stop it, Jessie?

I remember her saying to me,

"I feel like I use sport and
competition to stay on track."

And I said, "Okay.

If that's the truth,

then let's go."

We got a lot of skis.

Oh, boy.

The first time I was sick...

...I was a teenager.

And I was ashamed.

This time, I wanted to be
an open book

right from the start.

So it looked a lot different
and it felt different.

She told me
that she was going to

tell everyone publicly about

going through this again.

We talked about it at length
about whether or not

that was a good idea.

I was of the opinion
that it was not a good idea

to share publicly, that, um...

it would open herself up
to... ridicule.

But Jessie is nothing
if not honest.

Hey, everyone. I have something
I want to share with you,

although it isn't easy.

Um, after 12 really
great years of health,

I've been struggling with my
eating disorder this summer.

Sometimes we project
that in order to be successful,

you have to be perfect,
and struggle with nothing.

And that's just not real life.

It's okay if you need to lean on
your support team.

Okay, so, this is
a press conference. -

You've done a million of these.

You're f-- you're okay.

You're allowed to be vulnerable.

Okay?

- Hi, Jessie.
- Hey, Rachel.

Good to see you.

Um, I wanted to ask you

a little more about your--
your perspective

on mental health

after having had a relapse.

Yeah, um, that's a great
question.

I think, um...

...part of the problem
was I started

putting more and more
pressure on myself again.

Um, I started

getting back into this idea

that I have to be perfect.

And, now, I wanted
to find out what, um,

specific goals you have for
this season in terms of races.

Yeah, um, I'm just

focusing really on

one day and one week at a time.

Um, so I have not been putting
the pressure on myself

of setting
season-long goals.

And I hope everyone
understands that

when I do have a race bib on,

it's because me
and my whole care team

have agreed that this is--
this is good.

And it's right
for me to be there.

And it's okay
for me to be there.

So, um...

you know, when I do race, it's--
it's because I-- I want to.

Thank you so much
for your question, Cindy.

I am gonna drag one
from the chat real fast.

How you doing? Relieved?

- I'm so glad that's done.
- Yeah.

Good...

- Yeah.
- God.

It's the FIS
Cross-Country Ruka Opener,

and it's Ruka in
all its winter glory.

You can hear the squeaking
of the snow.

And that tells you it is cold.

Talking about
my relapse publicly,

I knew this was
basically just exposing myself.

It was putting this massive
target on my back.

And I was really
nervous about that.

So I feel pressure to prove,

like, "See? I'm okay.

I can be here, I can race.

Look, everyone.
Look how fine I am."

I wanna prove
that I can do it so badly.

Diggins
on the right side

in the fourth row,

a few people ahead of her.

A little bit of a scary
entrance into this course.

It's very fast.
You've got 55 athletes

going down this hill.
What are you gonna do

just to stay on your feet here?

Who's gonna
lead? Who's gonna make that bold move?

Jessie, making the move here.

I mean, clearly, this is--
this is a good move for her.

She knows she's
got the durability.

18.6 kilometer time check.

- 1.4 kilometers to go and-- Oh!
- Jessie just lost a pole.

Jessie Diggins
doesn't have a pole.

Doesn't have a pole!

What's going on out there?

Oh, that's a--
that's a-- that's a tough

place to-- for that to happen.

The worst place.
Now, Diggins has to spend that energy

she would have used
to try to win the race

to just get back into it.

And the concern
too, of not having a glove on

with the cold temperatures.

Diggins at the
back of that group, still

with a bare hand
before this big climb.

And almost a fall,
but they avoid disaster.

Into the final climb,
they come.

And you can see
the scattering of the athletes.

Diggins on the left! Moving
past the group of people.

So distinctively,
Jessie Diggins

moves right into
the fourth spot.

Now, taking control
on the final climb.

Diggins is going by
on the outside.

And it's-- Oh! It's gonna be
Ilar and Diggins

trying to win this.

Miraculously finding
the energy.

It's gonna be Moa Ilar
first, Diggins second.

A miraculous race
with a broken pole, lost glove.

Diggins has a bloody--
Looks like she's got a bloody lip there.

Something may have happened.

I was concerned
that it took

so many people to, like,
kind of escort Jessie

away from the finish line.

I think that shouldn't happen.

As hard as you go in a race,

that depth of exhaustion

cannot happen week in
and week out

and expect you to get through
even one period.

Accidents happen...

...and in that race they did.

But I was really
proud of myself

for doing everything
that I could.

The only way I can cross
that finish line

and look at myself
in the mirror and be proud

is if I know
I gave the best I can.

And that's what I did.

The
cross-country tour moving to

Gällivare from Ruka,
and bitterly

cold conditions meeting the
athletes in a town

just north
of the Arctic Circle.

Individual start in
cross-country means that

one athlete starts
every 30 seconds

and that pacing
becomes much more

of a key factor because you are
racing against the clock.

Anybody who's mastered
an individual start

is who knows
their body the best.

So we take now a
look at Jessie Diggins

in the women's freestyle
10k interval start.

At 3.9k,
Jessie Diggins is in the lead right now,

nine seconds ahead of...

Come on, Jessie!
You are race lead

by nine seconds!
Race lead by nine!

I feel in control of me

when I'm on the racecourse.

That's where it's so powerful
and confident

and I know what I'm doing.

And I've never had
any doubt about that.

Come on, let's lead them on 16!

15-second lead,
let's go, kid!

Come on. Up, up!

Diggs is turning
the screws right now.

She has increased her lead over
Ebba Andersson

to 19 seconds.

The 19-second lead is

seven kilometers over Ebba.

Love the, uh,
fourth climb on the hill.

She's looking great.

Diggins across the
line and with a time that

no one else will touch.

End of the lead
by 23.1 seconds.

Jessie Diggins is now your
overall World Cup leader.

The winner today, from USA,

- Jessie Diggins!

It seems that you like the cold.

In Ruka, without the glove,
you--

you-- you won second
and here-- you win.

- It's amazing.
- Well, it's a good thing,

we're staying up in the
Arctic Circle for a while then.

Given the struggles
you had this summer,

you were only gonna
focus in-- on

having fun, enjoying racing

and not think about the results.

But now you're having
great results. -

- Like how do you manage that?
- Isn't that ironic?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, uh, no one's more
surprised than me.

I can promise you that.

Are you having fun right now?

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

What's one thing
that you have to do pre-race?

The glitter.

And this year
I got some new glitter.

It matches our suit.

It's a little purple.

I'm very excited about it.

Um, so the glitter has to--

And the hair braiding,
two things.

Um, but the glitter is probably
the most important

'cause it's the reminder that
this is supposed to be fun,

and that I get to be here
and I want to do this...

...and it's my choice
to do this.

There's been a lot
of leading questions about

what does it
mean to be in the yellow bib

and "How important
is this to you?"

And I don't really
know how to say it, like...

it creates so much stress
and pressure.

It comes with so many eyes

and so many interviews
and so many cameras.

And I feel so incredibly
watched all the time.

When I would have a
conversation with Jessie

during the week, I wasn't
getting the Jessie that I knew.

She didn't sound like an Olympic
gold medalist.

She sounded like
she was super nervous

and almost like she
hadn't done this before.

She seemed
to be compensating...

for something.

This is something
Jessie has always been good at.

Yeah, 10k free
is her best event.

She is the defending world
champion,

which she won by a
clear margin

in Planica last year.

I think Jessie Diggins'
performance

is one that makes
you sit up and go, "Wow,

that's pretty spectacular."

She has more pain tolerance

or doesn't feel the pain
that other people do.

And the winner of
the race once again

- from the United States,

- Jessie Diggins!

Tell us a little
bit about the race today.

Yeah, I felt like I was
flying out there.

That was-- That was so fun.
Those downhills were amazing.

So I'm gonna be colorblind
and not look

at what color the bib is and
just say, "I don't care.

I'm just gonna go out there
and have fun."

How did you feel
out there?

That was really fun, um...

It--

Thank you.

Um...

Such a fun course.

And I saw you give Matt a big
old smile.

Yeah, that's my new thing
this year

is trying to smile more
mid-race.

Um, it's working out for me.

Okay.

Something Jessie has
always said to me...

...is that, "When
I'm in a bad place,

I can be the world's best liar.

I will make you think
that I'm okay

and that I'm not struggling."

I felt like this was
one of those times.

And I don't know
that she saw that,

but I definitely felt like
I was getting a mask.

Other people were picking up
on that, too.

I had a lot
of people bring up

concerns
to me in the last week,

like, "You don't look good,

you look sick."

It was hard to hear because

I felt fine.

And I'm someone who's really
in tune with my body,

It's my job to be.

If I wasn't doing well,
my body would tell me.

I don't see someone
who looks sick.

I see someone who looks like
they can

go out there
and crush a ski race.

And it's made me incredibly
self-conscious.

And... I have started to

pull away and isolate myself
from my teammates.

Jessie stayed in first,
of course.

The very first time
I met Jessie in 2011...

...she had mentioned that
she had some body image issues.

And, uh, at the time,
we were just like,

"Well, I don't know what
the problem is." I mean, like,

"Your racing weight looks good,
don't worry about it."

And we just kind of were like,
like, "You're fine."

We can't afford
to make these mistakes again.

So in Trondheim,

we got her a Body Comp.

I'm gonna
take your feet, we're gonna

spread them apart. And then
I'm gonna put a strap

to help keep that position.

We are going to scan
your left hip first.

I'm sorry, I have to have
a weight, just guess,

it doesn't have to be precise.

What, like 120, 11 to 18?

- Sure... Yeah.
- I mean, you're tiny.

The results of the comp
were shocking,

lower than anticipated.

And people on the medical team
were like...

"...That's too many red flags."

Her body's right
on the razor's edge right now.

And she could
harm herself long-term.

We told her that, "You're not
going to continue to ski.

That is gonna ruin you.

You will not make it
to the end of the winter.

You've asked us to stop you
when you're sick...

...we think
you're sick right now."

Last night, I had a dream.

I was in a hospital,

walking down a hall
with a lot of people around me,

and we turned into a room.

And there was this...

...big chair that had...

all these straps
on it and, like,

buckles that would go around
your wrists

and your feet.

And...

it became really
obvious to me that

they were about to...

...strap me down and feed me
through a tube.

And I started screaming
and kicking

and then I woke up.

And I was curled up in such
a tight ball that

every muscle
in my body hurt.

And that was 3 a.m.
And I couldn't really

get back to sleep after that.

I'm...

having these nightmares...

...because...

...I feel like decisions are
being made about my body

without me in the room.

And that's...

...been really scary for me,

not feeling any control.

Like, please don't
take this from me.

I don't want
my career to just... end,

not like this.

She called us to tell us

that she couldn't
continue skiing,

and I was worried.

You know, as a parent,
you can kinda see

there's a car crash coming.

When Jess was 18...

...one day she
came up for breakfast

and she had
a broken blood vessel

in one of her eyes, and...

I was like,
"How did that happen?"

And the story didn't make sense,

and somehow things
started to fill in.

Jessie and my mom
were speaking in the bathroom

and she was crying.

And I was like, "Mom,
what's going on?"

And she started crying,
and, like,

my parents
don't really cry a lot.

So then I went, um, and then

I held her and we just cried
together for a minute.

Um--

And that was when I was like...

"...Okay, this is
really serious."

I don't know how I knew

that maybe that was a sign of

vomiting, but

all of a sudden
I just kinda went,

"Oh, this is really bad", you
know? And--

And so I-- I just sat her
down right there

and discussed
going to treatment.

And I...
was in complete denial

that I needed help.

And going to therapy when
you don't really want to talk

and you're not really
interested in recovery

doesn't really work.

She was seeing
this therapist,

but she actually wasn't
really getting better.

And she was engaging in more
and more destructive...

behavior.

I just sort of bluffed

my way through it
while I got sicker and sicker.

At my very sickest,

I would throw up my breakfast,
my lunch and my dinner.

And I was still going out and
training twice a day for hours.

And I could feel my heart,

like, hammering
against my ribs.

My body couldn't take this,

and I still had
that voice saying,

like, "You still need
to go train," like,

"You still can't be allowed

to keep your lunch down."

Like, "You still can't."

Just, "You can't,
you can't, you can't."

All the time.

She was having
some workouts where

she was really shaky
afterwards and jittery.

They did some testing and said,

"With the test results
that we have,

you are, uh-- verge of
imminent heart attack.

You should not be upright,
much less working out."

Hi, Jess!

The risk for death
from eating disorders

is rampantly too high.

Living with an eating disorder

is living with
a ticking time bomb.

An American gymnast has died

after a battle with anorexia
nervosa and bulimia.

TJ's heart
gave out on Valentine's Day.

He was a star athlete.

Undereating is a
common

and growing problem.

...motivated
by athletic performance.

It becomes an addiction.

And it's not getting better,

it's getting worse.

You can wake up one morning
and feel reasonably fine,

and you can do the same
behaviors you did yesterday

and that you plan
to do tomorrow,

and you could die that day.

I would wake up
at night thinking,

"I wonder
if she's still alive."

And go up and check on her
in her bedroom

because I felt like,
you know, any morning

I could wake up and, and--
Jessie would be gone.

I called the intake program
and was told, "She's 18.

This has to come from her,

there's nothing you can do."

My mom had done
a bunch of research

and said, like, "There's
this recovery center.

Please just do this for me."

Like, "I will hold your hand.

I will dial the numbers and
press the green button."

And I really fought it.

But then I--

I agreed just to appease them.

It was like a full-time job,
like, I would show up at 8 a.m.

And you had
your individual therapist

and then there were
group therapy sessions.

We talked about those
deepest fears and the way

that I hated myself and the way
I saw myself, and...

turns out a lot of the
things that I said to myself,

these other women were like,
"Yeah, I get that.

You don't need
to say that to yourself,

you're worth so much more."

And...

I remember getting up

and, like,
quietly leaving the room,

like, shutting the door

and then running
to the locker room

and just sitting on
the floor and sobbing.

Because a total stranger

in five seconds had shown me
more compassion

than I had shown
myself in the last year.

I felt like I was
never gonna be able

to do the same for myself.

At that time,

Clay's father
suddenly became very ill.

And we ended up finding out

that he had advanced cancer

that had been undetected.

And so, all of a sudden,

while this was
going on with Jessie,

we were taking care of Clay's
dad who was...

clearly dying.

He had days left to live

and we all took turns

sleeping there.

And when it was my turn to spend
the night in the hospital,

I remember when he woke up
in so much pain

in the middle of the
night and feeling like

there's nothing I can do
to make this better.

That was the only time
my dad showed pain.

The only time
my dad ever cried.

And I realized that,
that's what

I was putting
my family through.

They were seeing me
destroying myself...

...and there was nothing
they could do to help me.

If I don't stop,
if I keep going like this,

it might be a week.

It might be months, it might be
a year, it might be years,

but eventually, I will die.

And I can't put them
through this.

Being unsure if she was
able to continue racing,

I called up the
head of the Emily program

who I'd come to know
over the years and said,

"We need some help."

Jessie needed to get into some
really expert care.

She'd been trying
to find her way

out of this relapse with help,

but not with

the expert help that she needed.

What we should
have done is had that

specialist in place beforehand.

That person was brought in and

she made a plan with Jessie and
got us all on board with it.

So that Jessie
could have this chance

over Christmas

to get herself back on track.

I didn't realize that
my body was getting so small.

Because when
I look in the mirror,

what I see isn't what
other people see.

And that's a part of my brain
that's always been there.

Now that I know how bad it is,

I realize that
where I'm at is not okay.

And I want to get better.

- Let me, um--
- Am I doing this wrong?

No, I'm directing you to--
to dairy-free sauce.

But I've got some more noodles cooking for you.

- Okay.
- Rice noodles are there, start with...

- Um...
- If a patient says,

"Well, I would
like to be able to compete

in the next event
that I have coming up."

You say, "Okay, to do that,

you need to be able
to rest more than you are

and you need to be able
to nourish better,

and your dietician is gonna
tell you exactly how."

That's what the ticket
to ride looks like.

I have to take pictures
of all the food that I eat

and send it as proof

that I'm doing
what I need to be doing.

And that is incredibly
socially awkward.

But I'm going to do
whatever I have to do.

And I think she knew

this is not something that

you just snap your fingers

and it's solved.

It's that, "Okay,
I have to work on this.

I need support."

So we made the decision.

We went and--
and spent Christmas

um, in Italy with her.

Okay.

In my mind, I was like,

"Jessie needs us and she is not

gonna spend Christmas alone."

It was pretty emotional to
be able to just be together.

And I think, you know,

at that point,
Jessie really needed that.

You're gonna put all five of them?

Yeah? Let's do it.

That one's a little-bitty one.

We'll do it.

It would-- just
felt like a sigh of relief

to see her with her family...

- Two more?
- No, no.

- We-- let's stick with that.
- I feel like...

...her face looked...

...happy to me.

I started to feel
like I can do this.

I was waiting
on blood labs to come back

and a bone scan to come back...

...and everything came back
looking better.

My doctor,

she said, "You can start
to ski again,

as long as you are progressing

and moving
in the right direction."

And so...
we started to feel that

if Jessie can continue
to work with her doctors...

...we've gotta let her race.

I always remind my patients

that eating disorder recovery

is really, really hard.

Your digestion's
likely slowed down,

you're feeling full,
you're feeling bloated.

It's also really
psychologically painful

because the eating disorder
voice can get louder

in those first eight weeks

in ways that are excruciating.

The Tour de Ski
stages a whopping

seven races over nine days.

- It is a grueling
multi-day feat. -

Three-time
Olympic medalist Jessie Diggins

approached this
year's Tour de Ski

with a whole lot of guts
and a big work ethic.

The Swedish TV,
they noticed that you are

talking to yourself
during the race.

What are you doing out there?

Wow, I really didn't think
people were gonna pick up on that.

When I was younger,

I think I had this idea that it
was going to be this perfect

linear line to recovery.

"Couple weeks, bam, I'll be
out of here. It'll be good."

And it's not like that,

it's two steps forward,
one step back.

It's this constant effort.

Sometimes it's a battle to just

- go through one day.

Are you able to be describe
when the...

eating disorder came back,

and how you're struggling?

How are you doing?

I don't know.

I just feel like...

"Wow", like
I really have to fight

every single day
to keep this going.

It's just, like--

It's just a lot.

Like, my stomach hurts
all the time.

I'm not sleeping.

I'm, like, hot all the time.

Like my body's just going.

Um, and it can't
turn itself off.

And so, it just feels like--

you're just, like...

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't-- I don't know.

Sorry.

The final
stop before the World Cup

heads to the US
for the first time

in over two decades

here at the
Canmore Nordic Center.

And there is Jessie Diggins

hoping to find
the podium today.

Jessie Diggins,

long season for her,

but she has managed to avoid

any real dips in her
performance this season.

So she'll wear the yellow bib

as the World Cup
overall leader.

Take your starting positions!

Set!

Diggs is gonna be
at the top of the first hill.

Great skiing by Jessie
up the first climb.

Yeah, 10-4.

And Diggins is
now being challenged by both

the German,
Norway in the red suit.

And Jessie Diggins

- will not move on.

She will be beaten out,
it looks like,

by less than a tenth
of a second.

Diggins loses a spot

the first time this season

that Diggins
will finish outside the top 12

in a sprint competition.

She has one more chance
to topple

the Swedish
and Norwegian juggernaut

who have nearly
stolen the show in Canmore.

Okay, at 1.1
Jessie, 12 seconds out of the second.

Jessie, number five.

Jessie did not
take a feed, Benny.

If anyone seemed
to be falling off the pace,

it was Diggins.

Jessie was
asking for which lap she was on,

if everyone can tell her
she's on her last lap.

She is number 15. Currently, she's five seconds back.

She's all by herself.

The winner from Sweden

Frida Karlsson!

...it's Jessie Diggins

in 10th!

It was her
second worst showing of the season.

She retained
that yellow bib, but it's by the tightest of margins...

The Swedish expert
was talking about doubting you and--

and that you're not
in the right shape to win this.

Eh, what do you make of that?

The voice in my head
loves that sort of thing.

All I could hear was,
"It's you."

Like, "You're too slow,
you didn't do enough."

And you can completely
tank everything

you just worked for.

You did a good job. Nice work.

Oh, I can't, just...

Um, you wanna go sit in,
uh...

I just feel like...

...I don't wanna let people
down.

There's not a single
person that is gonna be

disappointed with you.

The globe is just like this
thing and it's been,

of course,
at the top of the goals

and of course, like, yeah,
we all want you to win it.

But it isn't
the end of the world.

It's as, like, simple
and trivial as that.

All we can do is...

just, like, our best, and--

- and try and--
- Yeah.

Try and breathe a little bit.

Sometimes splash some
cold water on our face -

if we're just, like,
feeling a little anxious.

I mean, it was just kind of hard
yesterday 'cause I

couldn't make my body move.

Yeah. It just takes, like,
one bad day,

- Yeah.
- and two bad days, I guess it was, but--

Yeah, I-- I mean,

maybe that's just why
I'm struggling with it 'cause...

...the more pressure I feel,
the harder it is to...

...eat.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a chance
that my eating disorder

is just morphing

towards just not eating,

- Yeah.
- being the problem.

- Yeah.
- Um...

just, like, not eating enough.

Do they have strategies
for fueling, like,

when you don't
feel like eating?

When...

my eating disorder makes me
feel, like--

Like it's hard for me to eat,

there isn't room

to feel, like, grateful or,
like, loved.

Yeah.

And...

...so if I try to bring those
things back, then it--

The opposite is true,
there isn't as much room

for my eating disorder voice.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, if I'm f--

If I'm like, with people
and I feel really, like,

connected, that voice doesn't
have as much space.

- Hey, come here.
- Hey, take that off.

Good morning.
He's a happy boy.

That's good manners.

No, I-- I like
garlic.

Doesn't that smell
great? - Yes.

Nothing smells better...

- Onions...
- ...than cooking onions, so...

- I-- No, I actually--
- Garlic...

Garlic and butter smells
better than onions... - Come on!

- I like garlic.
- Yeah, I'ma say that.

Says the je ne sais quoi.

Right.
Actually, the bread baking...

All right, here we go.
Brining everybody all together.

Yeah?

Wow, Dad.

Mm-hmm. That is something.

Mm-hmm. That's--

Amazing.

When I was little,

I used to
dream that I could fly.

I used to love those dreams,

like, I'd wake up so happy.

Last night, I dreamed that I
could fly.

And it was the first time
I'd had one of those dreams

in, like, a really long time.

Um, but there was
this weird twist, where,

in order to, like, stay up
in the air, you had to,

like, eat enough because it...

just, like,
burned energy in your body.

And if you didn't,

all of a sudden, you would just
start crashing down.

I dream a lot.

Jessie, you're in town for
a couple days, presumably.

Uh, is there anything locally
you're looking forward

to sharing?

Honestly, my husband
gets here tonight,

and I haven't seen him
since November.

And-- So mostly, I'm just
excited to spend time with him.

Uh, that's, like,
my number one priority.

Can I help you get
anything ready? Or ready it up, Jess?

- Mm, no.
- Okay.

Oh.

- Typical.
- I love you, hon.

- Bye, love you.
- Bye.

Good luck, we'll be cheering.

The best
cross-country skiers in the world

are in town right now,
ready to compete

in the Loppet Cup.

Big reason this event
is here is because of

decorated
cross-country skier

and Minnesota native
Jessie Diggins.

How long I've waited for one of
these bibs to say "Minneapolis."

For the first
time in more than two decades,

the biggest event
in cross-country skiing

is in the United States.

People, approach this...

entire weekend with love.

It's what makes
our community strong.

It's why we're gonna see
some great racing today.

Have fun, everyone!

Jessie!
Jessie! Jessie! Jessie!

When we got to the race,

the course was packed.

- And as we were walking in,

we heard this roar,

and it was circling the course.

You could hear it, like,
literally going

around the course.

And as we got closer,
we realized

the roar was following Jessie

as she was warming up.

That moment was right up there
with the gold medal.

And the crowd is
just erupting for her.

Jessie Diggins,
she's one of our own!

She's one of our own!

She's one of our own!

Jessie Diggins,
she's one of our own!

Her biggest victory ever,

who's clinging the Loppet Cup

for Minneapolis,
for Hasting, Minnesota,

this is Jessie Diggins!

There she goes, deep!

Is she’s gonna ride another...?

There she is, the
most decorated American,

cross-country skier in history.

And listen to the crowd.

Diggins digging deep!

She's still
into se-- third place.

Just go. Yes!

Third place for Jessie Diggins!

Diggins got...

But she's gonna be
on the snow because she

- gave everything she could.
- Oh, yeah.

All hail the cross-country
queen of Minnesota,

Jessie Diggins.

Minneapolis!

I think today showed
that it was more than results.

It was so much about
just the influence

that you can have on
others with this sport.

Oh, I mean,
yeah, I could have been

last by 27 minutes.

This is everything
I've ever dreamed of.

This has been the best weekend
of my whole career by far.

Oh...

Oh, I wanted that so bad.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, nice.

- Jessie!
- Oh, my god, thank you!

Jessie!

Have you done that before?
Like that?

Not like that.

Is that what Taylor Swift
feels like?

- Maybe.
- What the hell?

That was crazy.

Wow.

I know exactly
what you're feeling.

When I was really sick,

I thought that
was just going to be my life.

I truly believed I would never
feel worthy of love.

And for so many years,
I've tied my self-worth...

to my results...

...how fast I skied,
how much I achieved.

And in some ways,

Jessie the skier

is never going to feel
like she's enough.

But I have to keep those two
things really separate.

Why I would be worthy
of anybody loving me,

including myself.

It has to be separate
from how I perform.

Maybe I'm always
going to be working on this,

and maybe I'm always gonna be
working on myself and my brain.

And I'm okay with that

because it
means that I'm not giving up.

And I'm trying
to get to a better place.

But it's fucking hard.