Original subtitles

(tranquil music)

(cans clanking)

(menacing music)

(thunder rumbles)

[Gerry] Hey, Gerry, the path.

(owl hooting)

(birds chirping)

(owl hooting)

(birds chirping)

(owl hooting)

(pee drizzling)

God, it is so...

[Gerry] Yeah, it is really nice, man.

Fresh air.

You ready?

[Gerry] Nope.

(people chattering in distance)

Hi, guys.

[Boy] Hey.

Hiking moms on the trail?

It's just gonna be, it's all tourists up there.

Well, how far is the thing?

I don't know, we're like halfway there.

Let's go this way, man.

Everything's gonna go to the thing,

everything's gonna lead to the same place.

- Just loop around? - Yeah.

Do our own fresh route?

I just can't do the, like,

fucking fanny packs and sing-alongs

the whole way to the thing. (both laughing)

(menacing music)

(laughing) (twigs snapping)

(both breathing heavily)

Fuck it, dude.

Fuck this.

- Fuck the thing? - Fuck the thing.

Power on to the thing!

- Fuck the thing. - Fuck the thing!

(laughing)

[Gerry] It's just gonna be a fuckin' thing

at the end of the trail.

- Fuck the thing! - Fuck the thing.

Let's go back.

[Gerry] Fuck the thing.

Hey, is this the way we...

Yeah, that's it, right?

Hold on, dude, is this the way we were going?

- Yeah, this is it. - Yeah.

(branch snaps)

So...

She thought it was a Y?

[Gerry] Who, the contestant?

- Yeah. - Yep.

She had every letter except for the L.

She had B-A-R-R-E, blank,

I-N-G down the road.

B-A-R-R-E, blank, I-N-G down the road.

And all she had was L for barreling down the road.

And they were like, "Do you want to solve the puzzle?"

Because you have to when it's,

just when you have one letter left,

you have to solve the puzzle, you're not allowed to...

Because you're only spinning to, like,

drive up your earnings, you know?

[Gerry] Right.

So it's like cheating if there's only one letter left.

And so they told her to solve it, and she said,

"Barreying down the road?"

(both laughing)

And there's this really uncomfortable pause,

and Sajak was like, "No.

"Kenny?" (both laughing)

And the next dude did it.

But for zero dollars because he couldn't spin.

He was just like, "Barreling down the road."

(wind blowing)

(bird squawking)

(bird squawking)

(wind blowing)

(crickets chirping)

I hate you.

Not really, though, right?

Not really, it's just really hot on my front

and really cold on my back.

There's a man perched on the ledge

10 feet in front of us.

Don't look.

(both laughing)

(animals calling)

I see you, man.

Do you hear that?

There's a lot of dinosaurs near here.

I conquered Thebes.

When?

Two weeks ago.

How'd you do it?

Well, I got...

I did more than that, actually.

I said to Gerry...

"I ruled this land for 97 years, and...

"And I'd like it."

I had all the sanctuaries built, and then I...

This hot lava leaked out of a volcano

and half destroyed my sanctuary to Demeter, I guess it was.

And...

But I didn't have the marble to rebuild, like,

the sculptures and that to fix the sanctuary.

But I already had all these docks to, like,

Calydon, and Argos, and...

I had everything, I had everything.

And I was trading with, like, 12 cities and...

I had a really good army.

But the river had just flooded.

And it flooded out, like, four of my docks,

and I couldn't import the marble to rebuild the sanctuary.

Demeter got pissed off, and so she made my fields infertile.

And then...

So I couldn't grow the grass.

I couldn't grow the wheat to feed the horses.

And there was no...

And there was nowhere for the sheep to graze,

and the goats.

And some of my people were growing hungry

and restless, and then...

And I couldn't trade because the rivers had flooded.

And so, Knossos, one of my vassals, got really upset with me

and turned against me.

And they...

Attacked me, and because I couldn't train any sheep

'cause I didn't have the wheat,

I didn't have...

I didn't have a...

You couldn't train sheep?

And I couldn't train any of the horses

because I didn't have the wheat.

And so when they attacked me, they just dogged me.

And I actually went to send my army out to defend the city,

and you can only send them out if you have 12,

if you have 12 trained horses, and I had 11.

So I was one horse shy

of saving my city.

So then you didn't really...

Oh, I had just conquered Thebes,

and then that happened.

Oh, come on.

All right.

You go to that one, and I'll go to this one.

All right.

Hey.

You see anything?

Big hills.

Yeah.

Re-split up.

All right.

All right, see the ravine here?

Yeah.

That's the spot, all right?

So you go to the next one, I'll go to the next one.

if you don't find anything, we meet back right there.

All right, if you find something,

fuck the spot, I'll just find you.

Higher hilltop, meet at spot.

Or fuck the spot, wait there.

Yeah.

Roger.

(wind blowing)

Gerry!

Gerry!

Gerry!

Gerry!

Hey!

Hey!

What are you doing?

What?

You're supposed to go on a high-hill scout-about, man.

You're on a rock in a canyon.

I did.

Yeah, did you see anything?

No, did you?

No.

Well, what are you doing on the rock?

Looking for you.

Why didn't you just go to the spot?

I did, you weren't there.

I've been there, I was just sitting there.

Dude, that's not the spot.

The spot is, like, a half of a mile that way.

I was at the spot, I was waiting for you forever.

I was yelling your name.

And I just came walking up here.

And I saw the rock and I crow's-nested up here

to scout-about the ravine 'cause I thought maybe

you gerried the rendezvous.

Sure enough, I mean, that's not the spot.

All right, my fault.

Well, if you had assumed that, then you should've gone

to the top of my mountain because the whole plan

was if one guy finds something, then you go to his mountain.

So if I wasn't here...

No, I know the plan, but I saw you coming down

off your mountain when I was on the way down,

and when I was at the spot and you never showed up,

I thought maybe you'd succumbed.

I almost did succumb, but then I turbaned up,

and I feel a lot better.

Come on, dude, let's go.

I can't.

Why not?

Fuckin' marooned.

Come on, you're not rock-marooned.

Just climb down.

Dude, I am rock-marooned, I can't climb down.

I'm gonna have to jump.

Hold on.

How do you get up to that part?

Scramble.

Jesus.

How the fuck did you get up here?

Such a bear.

I think you gotta jump.

I can't jump, dude, I'll break my ankle.

You'll have to barrey all the way out of here alone

and get help, I'll just be sitting there.

All right, I'll jump.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're gonna twist an ankle or something,

and then we're fucked.

Well...

Is it really crumbly there?

Like, the ledge?

Yeah.

I mean, I could try and...

Why don't you make me a dirt mattress?

No, Gerry.

Come on, dude, I crow's-nested all the way up here

to scout-about the ravine 'cause you gerried the rendezvous.

If I hadn't, dude, we'd be split.

We'd still be re-split.

Dude, just jump, you'll be all right, you'll make it.

I won't be all right, Gerry.

Well, I could try and break your fall.

- Jump on your head? - Like in the circus, dude.

No, not on my head, with my arms.

Didn't you ever go to Barnum's, dude?

They have a fat guy down there, he's got huge arms,

and he catches people from, like, 50 feet.

All right, you ready?

No, dude, I'm gonna break your arms.

Just make me a dirt mattress.

All right, where do you want it?

Right there.

All right.

Well, I gotta haul the dirt.

Well, get hauling.

I can haul it from over here.

- Shirt basket? - Shirt basket.

Yeah, it's crumbly.

Is it soft?

Yeah, it's soft.

It's like, it feels hard, but it's...

You know, it's like dust.

Yeah.

This is gonna take forever, Gerry.

I'll get all this stuff up to it also.

I mean, all you really need is, like, a two-by-two,

like, air-ram dirt mattress just to put your feet

'cause that'll cushion it,

and then you'll probably fall forward.

So if I clear, like, your head area,

and then make, like, a little, like, a dirt box.

You know how to rig that?

Yeah.

See, this is already, like, a foot.

If I can get it to, like, two feet...

And that's a good angle, right?

Think you can hit that, right?

I mean, I'm not done yet, but, I mean, you...

- Yeah. - Where it is, is good.

Yeah.

Ah, that's great.

You really only need it to hit with two feet in one spot.

So if we can get the spot,

and if you can hit it,

that's all the cushion you need.

How's that?

No?

Look, it's not gonna be comfortable either way,

but, I mean, it's not a knee-breaker.

How many feet do you think it is?

Like 150.

(both laughing)

It's what?

Here, I'll get more, still gotta get more.

That's pretty good.

Oh my fucking God.

(thudding)

(grunting)

You okay?

Yeah.

What time do you think it is?

That was far.

Here.

Animal tracks.

Follow these to water.

Animals have to know where the water is out here.

Then we follow them and they lead us right to the water,

and we just drink our faces up.

Or else they go to the mating grounds, you know, and...

And then they mate, and they get thirsty,

and then they come back.

All right, but, I mean, I...

Yeah.

We don't know how far the water is, though, you know?

And I don't think we should totally abandon

out of the higher-ground idea,

'cause I think it was a good idea.

And that was like a rolling hills scout-about.

And if we go on a mountain, like, crow's-nesting,

like that mountain over there...

Yeah, but...

We know where the water is now.

We could just go there, and then get water

and then go on our mountain,

the mountaintop scout-about,

after we've gotten water.

I don't know, I think the mountain's a better idea

because what if we go to the mating grounds

and they see us and they get self-conscious,

and then they don't mate?

Dude, we'll just...

And then they won't get thirsty...

If we go there, whichever way it is,

if we go there, and it's the mating grounds,

then we'll just watch them from a brush.

They won't know we're there,

they won't have any body shame, and they'll mate,

and get thirsty, and then they'll come back this way,

and they'll lead us to the water.

All right.

(wind blowing)

(both breathing heavily)

Fuck this.

I can't even see the tracks anymore.

Fuck 'em.

(ground crunching)

(wind blowing)

(rocks crunching)

(bird chirping)

You think we should just go over to that mountain?

Just stop crying, man.

Where you going?

I don't know!

You wanna help?

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

(wind blowing)

(thunder rumbles)

(ground crunching)

(wind roaring)

We're walking north-northwest.

For...

[Gerry] A couple hours, a ways...

And then... - But that's been the way

we've been going the whole fuckin' time.

I mean, it's like 30 hours of walking north-northwest.

Okay?

So, we've gotta be fucking close to the highway.

[Gerry] Yeah.

But we got lost.

I mean, we were going...

We walked for a ways, and maybe it was north.

And then...

We turned around, and...

[Gerry] We got off...

We started going straight back down the way we were going.

No, we didn't, we didn't.

- The way that we came in... - No, no, no, no.

Before we turned around,

we started going right back down the same way.

But we had turned before...

No, we didn't go the same fuckin' way, man.

We have not seen any of the stuff that we've seen.

You know what I mean?

We haven't passed any fuckin' landmark

or anything that looks familiar.

Whatever our fuckin' direction is, it's not south,

and it has not been south.

- No, but we had... - And since we started.

We had veered off at a different point,

and when we started to come back, to go back,

we started back the exact same way.

(somber piano music)

But we didn't see anything that looked the same way.

Yeah, but we could have just bailed early, you know?

There were so many different gerrys along the way.

We took a...

I mean, we started going back the same way,

and then we stopped and we said that it didn't look right,

and then we went to the right for a little while.

So we were going east.

All right, which is a total gerry

because that's fucking a million miles to a road.

Okay, right, and that's because we came up

over the thing, and we saw that whole layout,

that must have been, there was nothing there.

We didn't see anything for a while.

And then in the morning...

In the morning, we walked north again.

In the morning, we...

In the morning, we definitely walked north again.

And then we gerried off to the animal tracks,

which was east again, which was west.

Which was west, but it doesn't matter because...

And when we hit the animal tracks,

then we took a left, which was going...

Which was going west.

But more importantly, when I got up, when we split up,

and I was walking up on my scout-about,

I was looking into the sun,

which means that it was east.

So, and then, when I was on the rock,

and I was looking at you, the sun was...

When we came down, we went in that direction.

So, that means we were going east,

and we walked east for a long time.

And our mountain scout-about was east,

so we totally gerried the mountain scout-about.

We went up the wrong fuckin' mountain.

Okay?

So our general direction's been north-northeast,

but if we just spin the fucker and just go north,

balls-out north, we're gonna hit the fuckin' highway

because we can't go south.

South is a fucking disaster for us.

It just would take too fucking long to get there.

All right, then let's go north.

Come on, let's go.

[Gerry] We may as well just sit here.

You know why I think we should go?

Why?

Because I've got water.

Come on, don't fuckin' joke.

I'm not joking.

I found water.

I know exactly where the car is.

[Gerry] How?

Just figured it out.

[Gerry] It was another fuckin' mirage.

(ground crunching)

It was a mirage.

What are you doing?

I really wanted to

walk up to you and say I had two bottles of water,

and that I knew where the car was.

[Gerry] Come on, we gotta go.

Come on.

(fire crackling)

(eerie music)

How do you think the hike's going so far?

Pretty good.

I'm leaving.

(wind blowing)

(vehicle humming)

(truck rumbling)

(ground crunching)

(somber piano music)

(ground crunching)