Original subtitles

[theme music]

Oh, what a beautiful morning.

You know, I was thinking maybe we could do

something as a family.

You mean, your family and our family together?

What a great idea! Not.

[both laugh]

Well, what about the rest of you?

When pigs fly.

No way.

Get real, mom. Ugh.

Well, Brendan, I guess that leaves

just, uh, you and me, huh?

But, Carol, Billy's pet turtle got run over by a car.

And I wanna see it before he throws it in the garbage.

Well, wouldn't want you to miss that.

Bye.

Brendan, I-I'll go with you.

[theme song]

[all screaming]

? The dream wide broken ?

? Seemed like all was lost ?

? What would be the future? ?

? Could you pay the cost? ?

? You wonder ?

? Will there ever be ?

? A second time around? ?

? Woah-oh woah-oh ?

? When the tears are over ?

? And the moment has come ?

? Say My Lord I think I found someone ?

? You know it will be better ?

? 'Cause you're putting it together ?

? For the second time around ?

? Ooh ?

? We got the woman and man ?

? Oooh-oooh-oooh ?

? We got the kids in a clan ?

? Oooh-oooh-oooh ?

? Only time will tell ?

? If all these dreams fit under one umbrella ?

? Step by step ?

? Day by day ?

? A fresh start over ?

? A different hand to play ?

? The deeper we fall ?

? The stronger we stay ?

? It will be better ?

? The second time around ?

? Step by step ?

? Day by day ?? Day by day ?

? A fresh start over ?

? A different hand to play ?

? Only time will tell but you know what they say ?

? We'll make it better ?

? The second time around ??

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, come on, Dana, I may be gone all week.

This is the last chance you're gonna get

to watch me demolish a building.

Cody, the only way I'd watch that is if you were inside it.

It's a deal!

[chuckles]

That was a joke.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

Hey, you're pretty funny.

[laughs]

Oh, what a beautiful morning.

Oh, Cody, just the man I've been looking for.

Don't forget, next week are the Port Washington

annual family games.

[gasps] Oh.. Oh, that sounds like fun.

Mother. Tug of war?

The three-legged race? Pie eating?

These things are for people named Clem

who marry their cousins.

Now, I will have you know

the Lambert family have been the champions

for three straight years.

Hm, I rest my case.

Oh! Uncle Frank.

I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be able to make it.

I'm tearin' down a Mr. Doughnut in Green Bay.

[chuckles] Tcha. I totally forgot.

[Cody laughs]

Cody, I'm gonna miss you.

Nobody can catch a greased pig like you can.

Now, Uncle Frank, you're embarrassing me.

[laughs]

You're embarrassing all of us.

Hey, Dana, wait up.

Oh, Frank, this is great.

You know, I've been looking for something

that we could do together as a family

and these games sound perfect.

You mean, your kids on the same team with my kids?

Well, yeah, I mean, I know my kids

aren't very athletic, but with you as their coach..

You're right, honey, I-I am a great coach

and there's a reason that the Lamberts have been champions

for three straight years.

Oh, good. I'll go tell them.

The reason is, your kids weren't on the team.

[instrumental music]

Dad, you're not serious about letting Carol and her kids

be a part of our team, are you?

They're a part of our family now.

Why shouldn't we give 'em a chance?

Because they're a bunch of weak, dorky, wuss, stink-o geeks.

Just a personal opinion.

Well, have a little faith.

Everybody's got some kind of talent.

Coach Lambert here is going to find it.

Well, you better find it quick.

Remember the Larson family last year?

Yeah. They almost beat us.

Yeah, but they didn't beat us and you know why?

Because we're lean, mean, fighting machines. We're..

[in unison] Lamberts!

- Oh! - Alright!

Carol and her kids are just as tough as we are.

Do we have to do this?

I've got a paper cut.

Aw, and it's right on the knuckle.

Aw.

Look, we'll call 911 later, okay?

Come on, let's huddle up. Everybody.

Huddle up, here we go.

Huddle up, let's go. Great.

[chuckles]

- Okay. - Oh, I hate my life.

Oh, don't be such a weenie.

Have some fun.

Oh, great. Now, I'm a weenie.

What events are you good at?

Modesty. I like that. Modesty is good.

Alright, let's just, uh, go right

to the, uh, apple dunking, okay?

Oh, sorry.

Uh, any volunteers?

Alright, Mark.

I love that can-do spirit.

Here, you just step right up there, okay?

Now, you have got 30 seconds

to get as many apples

out of the water as you can

using only your teeth.

Are you ready? Go!

Come on, Mark. You can do it, Mark.

You can do it. Come on, Mark.

'You can do it, Mark. You can do it.'

- 'Come on, Mark.' - 'Unhinge that jaw, boy.'

[Carol] 'You can do it, Mark. Mark!'

- 'No pain, no gain.' - 'Mark? Mark? Mark!'

[coughing]

Did I get any?

No, honey, but it was a really good try.

Who wants to be in some stupid competition anyway?

It's archaic and boorish.

Yeah and it ruins your hair.

Guys, come back.. Ugh..

Guys, come here. G-guys.

Don't worry, Frank, they'll be in this.

Well, coach, now what?

Well, I just think it's time

we, uh, stepped up the conditioning program.

I think it's time to cut down the squad.

You're right. I'll go talk to, Carol.

Oh, Carol.. Ugh..

I, uh, kinda gotta, s-sorta

talk to you about something.

Well, that's good because I have to talk

to you about something too.

Okay, uh, you go first.

Well, my kids wanna quit the team.

They do?

Oh, well, that's a shame. That's a doggone shame.

That's what that is.

Well, they feel they're not good at this

and they don't enjoy it.

So, what's the point?

Yeah, gee, that's just the way it goes sometimes.

But I said Frank is right.

We are a family. We do things together or not at all.

So, we are playing on this team

and that is final.

- You said that? - Yes.

- D-did they hear you? - Yes.

And I told them they are lucky to have you as a stepfather.

I mean, these family games have been a tradition

in the Lambert family for years

and now you want us to be a part of it

because we are your family too.

Well, I don't wanna force your kids

to do something they don't wanna do.

Frank, you know, I know

that my kids are not very athletic

but thank God

I'm married to a mature man

who really knows what matters.

I am not all that mature, honey.

Yes, you are.

Otherwise, I wouldn't find you so irresistible.

[laughing]

Oh, Frank, you know

tonight after the kids go to sleep

maybe you and I could workout a little too.

[chuckles]

Ah!

Oh, son, uh..

Sit down.

So, did you tell them they're cut from the team?

Uh..

J.T., some day when you grow up

get married

you're gonna see that you can't always get everything

exactly the way you want.

You understand?

- Yeah, I understand. - Good.

He wimped out!

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Why are we even bothering to sign up?

With Carol and her kids on the team

we'll never beat the Larson family.

Now, wait a minute, J.T.

The mature man realizes that family togetherness

is more important than winning.

Someday, I hope to be that kind of man.

Don't look now, dad. The Larson's just showed up.

[all laughing]

They're even bigger than last year.

[all laughing]

- 'Oh!' - 'It's the Lambert's.'

Hey, there, Lambert.

Why don't you just give up now

and save yourself the agony of defeat?

What you're talking about, Larson?

You were the ones who were defeated three years in a row.

Yeah, yeah, well, all that does was to

give us a little more motivation to try harder this year.

[indistinct chatter]

Big deal, so your boy's been

pumping a little iron.

That's my daughter.

[gasps]

You know, dad, there is a certain dignity in giving up.

No, no, J.T.

Don't worry, Larson.

We Lambert's have a few tricks up our sleeves too. Heh.

Hi, Frank. Well, here we are .

Your lean, mean, fighting machine.

This must be your, uh, blushin' bride then, ah?

This is my wife, Carol, her daughter, Dana

and this strappin' young lad is Mark.

Yeah, well, it's nice to meet you.

You certainly have a beautiful family.

Puny, but beautiful.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, we are just here to have fun regardless of who wins.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, who cares who wins, huh?

[laughs]

Right, Larson's?

[all laughing]

Well, they seem like a nice family.

Nice family?

They're gonna eat us for lunch.

[instrumental music]

That's right, Frank, come on!

'Come on, J.T!'

That's right, Frank, come on!

[crowd cheering]

Ever notice how they look more like their pig every day?

[instrumental music]

[all cheering]

[dings]

[all cheering]

- Come on, Mark. - You can do it.

[indistinct chatter]

[crowd laughing]

Did you see that?

[instrumental music]

Alright, as soon as he hands you the baton

run like the wind.

Got it.

Go.

- Go. - Time-out. I broke a nail.

[instrumental music]

Hi, Frank. Did you hear the good news?

We're in second place.

[chuckles] Second place.

Oh, that's really neat.

Of course, it's not as neat as being in first place.

But hey, I like to experience all kinds of new things.

Losing this competition is something

I've never experienced.

Wait a minute.

Frank, I may be way off

but I am sensing a certain dissatisfaction

with second place.

Oh, boo, it slipped out.

But I thought you agree that

family togetherness is more important than winning.

Carol, let me explain to you.

I'm a contractor.

There's not a lot of pats on the back in my line of work.

When I walk down the street people don't say

"Hey, Frank, atta way to drywall!"

When I win this contest

for a couple of weeks

everybody says

"Hey, Frank, way to go. You're number one!"

Carol, I like those two weeks.

But what about teaching our children how to work together?

Well, can't we do that tomorrow? Today, I really wanna win!

Hey, come on, it's time for the three-legged race.

Come on, I'll tie you guys up.

Frank Lambert, this is aggressive, macho behavior.

And if you ask me, I think you should get in touch

with your feminine side.

I don't have a feminine side.

If I did I wouldn't touch it.

You're impossible.

Okay, so I got a little macho in me. I'm a man.

I like sports. I wear a tool belt. I spit.

Now you know it all.

- All set! - Let's go.

[groaning]

Get off of me!

[Mr. Larsson] 'Inside, outside.'

Inside, outside, inside.

[speaks in foreign language]

Newlyweds.

Rent a room, huh?

[laughs]

Come on, Inga.

Inside, outside, inside, outside.

[instrumental music]

[crowd applauding]

Alright, in the family games we're down to two finalists

the Larson's and the Lambert's.

[all cheering]

The Larson's are ahead by one point with two events left.

Pie eating contest is next!

[all cheering]

Don't you think Norbert looks just like Kevin Costner?

Penny, how many times have I told you

if you're gonna be in the sun all day, wear a hat.

Hey, loser. It's you and me in the pie eating contest.

I like my chances with the way you're stuffing your face.

This? I'm just warming up.

Loser, loser, loser.

Well, it ain't over till the fat lady sings.

Hey!

Leave my mother out of this.

J.T., your dad wants to talk to you

about the pie eating contest.

Hi, Karen.

Hi, Leif.

Larson, you're drooling.

More than usual.

[Mr. Larson] Leif, stop fraternizing with the enemy.

Coming, papa.

[laughing]

What's his problem?

Oh, he's in love with me.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

How do you know that?

He's always like that around me.

When I walk by him in the lunch room he goes numb.

He can't talk, he can't think, he can't eat.

He's a basket case.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

- He can't eat? - Yeah. Isn't that silly?

We need to talk.

[instrumental music]

Dad, I've entered Karen in the pie eating contest.

Karen?

- My Karen? - J.T., are you crazy?

I've known Karen for two months, I've never seen her eat.

Trust me, I've given her a few pointers.

Ladies and gentlemen!

It's time for the pie eating contest.

[all applauding]

Each person has two minutes

to eat as much blueberry pie as he can.

Hi, Leif.

Karen?

I don't know how I can win against a big

strong, man like you.

Huh.

Well, whatever happens good luck.

She kissed me.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Here are the first pies.

Okay! Ready?

[whistle blares]

[crowd cheering]

- 'Eat! Eat!' - 'Go! Go, Karen! Go!'

- 'Go!' - Eat it!

Don't look at her, Leif.

She's a devil woman.

Hey, this is my daughter you're talking about.

Somebody better eat something or nobody wins.

Karen, you've got to eat something. Come on!

Is there sugar in this?

Eat the damn pie!

Ten seconds!

Alright.

Uh..

[dramatic music]

[all cheering]

The winner!

[J.T.] 'Alright!'

[indistinct chatter]

- Okay. - Congratulations.

Dad, dad! We're tied.

If we win the tug of war, we're still champs!

Oh, way to go, Karen!

- Right. - Oh, look at 'em, honey.

They were actually hugging.

You know, you were right.

Seeing you all work together

well, that's just more important

than winning some stupid trophy.

A-and I would like to add one thing to that.

If we all work together..

...we can kick butt and win that stupid trophy!

[all cheering]

[instrumental music]

Is it my imagination or have they gotten bigger

since this morning?

[whistle blares]

And now the final event! The tug of war!

The winner will be this year's champion!

God, he's a hunk!

Alright.

One, two, three..

[whistle blares]

[dramatic music]

[crowd cheering]

[all grunting]

[indistinct chatter]

[upbeat music]

[engine revving]

[female 1] 'The Lamberts are losing!'

Come on! Come on! We're going down!

Have no fear! The Codeman's here!

Hold on there, Lambert!

He's not family.

- Dude, I'm her fiance. - What?

- Hi, honey. - Pull!

[all grunting]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd applauding]

The winner

and this year's champion once again

the Lamberts!

[instrumental music]

Okay, squish together, folks

we need a picture for the newspaper.

You know, of all the championships

that we've won, this one is the best!

[all cheering] Yeah!

Yeah, too bad we had to win it with a handicap.

- What are you talking about? - We had to work with you guys.

Pinhead, if it weren't for Karen

we never would've made it to the finals at all.

Well, we would've runaway with the whole thing

if it wasn't for the prince of dorkness.

[instrumental music]

[clamoring]

[theme music]

[music continues]