All language subtitles for arrested.development.s04e11.internal.bdrip.x264-archivist

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

NARRATOR: Gob Bluth had just
been told by his father

to go to work
for his younger brother.

And then thanks
for the birthday card

that I never got from you
for the last 40 years.

NARRATOR:
In fact,

- it was a brother with whom Gob...
- What the hell?

- (horns honking)
- ...was secretly competitive.

MICHAEL:
I got the right of way.

- GOB: N-No.
- MICHAEL: Okay. (laughs)

NARRATOR: And perhaps it was
that sense of competition...

(tires screeching, horn honking)

...that led
to this tinkling match.

GOB:
I've met someone.

Can't really give you any
information-- kind of famousy.

- I also met someone.
- Have you?

Also famousy.
Can't give you any information.

- Is it Julie Bowen?
- No, it's not.

- Is yours Julie Bowen?
- Is yours Julie...?

Oh, my God, Michael,
you're seeing Julie Bowen?

I am not seeing Julie Bowen,

but if you are,
you tell me right now.

I want to hear you say the words
"I'm not seeing Julie Bowen."

I have not seen Julie Bowen.

Well, that's a funny way
to phrase it.

NARRATOR:
This went on for some time,

but eventually
they started talking business.

If it wasn't for the movie
thing, I would do it myself.

They practically sell
themselves; you just got

- to bring the people in.
- (squawk)

- Lindsay.
- But soon the hard lemonade softened

- their competitive edge.
- No, no, this-- maybe Tobias.

And Michael confessed

that he had grown estranged
from his son.

I'll call him for you.

You've given me
a new sense of purpose.

I don't want you
to get your hopes up.

You know, when I said that, that
these places sell themselves,

I should have gone on to say,
you know, that, that, uh...

No, they don't.

No, I'm not talking
about selling these mausoleums.

I mean destroying Tony Wonder.

I'm gonna destroy his career the
same way that he destroyed mine.

NARRATOR: Gob was referring
to an escape act

he'd performed that had failed

when the hidden compartment
that held

the keys to his escape
hadn't opened...

- It's not going to work.
- ...humiliating him

in front of his bride...

- uh, her...
- He's not coming back.

...and all of Christendom.

Destroying Tony Wonder is
your sense of purpose?

I thought you said,
thanks to me...

Because he's performing
at a gay club tonight,

and I need you to act as
my boyfriend

to help me get in.

I'm gonna say no, thank you.

And don't you think
it's a little inappropriate?

I am your brother.

You sound like my son.

NARRATOR: Whom Gob had spoken to
earlier that day.

- And in a van, by the way.
- Hey, you remembered.

(chuckles) How about you and I
go to a magic show together?

(laughing):
I love magic, of course.

I mean, my dad's a magician.

- Well, you're my dad, I mean,
so, so you should know. - Right.

Well, it'd be sort of a, a
father-son thing at a gay club.

Well, technically gay night
at a magic club.

Hey, you know what'd be funny?

If you pretended
to be my boyfriend

so I could lock
this guy Tony Wonder...

You know, I-I don't know,

I-I don't think this whole thing
is sounding like a good idea.

Besides, last time we tried
to do something together,

- you didn't even show up.
- You know what?

You're mad at me--
I get it, I totally get it,

- and guess what--I'm mad at you.
- You know, Dad,

that attitude might be
why you're alone all the time.

- The way you treat people...
- What about you?

I didn't hear from you
for your entire childhood,

and then thanks
for the birthday card

that I never got from you
for the last 40 years.

NARRATOR:
This was extra hard for Steve

to hear on his actual birthday.

And didn't you already try
locking Tony Wonder in

- his trick?
- Oh, yeah, but that

wasn't for revenge,
that was just on spec.

- Just like Tony Wonder.
- And it didn't work. Besides,

that's before I knew that
he had locked me in my trick.

You still don't know that he
tried to lock you in your trick.

Hey, I do know, I have proof.

I went in that cave
and I found this.

We both know
what that stands for.

Jesus.

No, that would be a "J."

This is a "T."

Tony Wonder was there
in the cave the night

that I did my big illusion,
so when I went yesterday

to the cave and I saw
that this had wedged

my compartment door shut,
I knew that I'd been wronged.

Okay, the only thing
that we know

is that you tried to
lock Tony Wonder

in his trick first.

- Right?
- No,

- no.
- So you're even.

Because mine didn't work.

He got the last laugh,
which, in this case, happened

to be the first laugh.
I don't understand

why you can't seem to follow me

- on any of this.
- Gob, you've got a chance

to build a brand-new life.
Don't run away from it again.

- Don't try to escape it.
- I don't do that, Michael.

Listen, if you insist
on speaking to me like you're

my wife, then don't be surprised
to find my (bleep) in you

and then you never hear
from me again.

(sighs)
I'm offering you a good job

selling good homes,
making real good money,

and I'm not asking
for anything in return.

What is this?

I'm asking for a little
something in return.

These-- this is for the movie.

This is for your life rights
in perpetuity,

in the known universe
and beyond.

Blah, blah, blah, look at this.

What's that mean--
you're not gonna sign it?

No, I was just thinking

that I should have my attorney
Bob Loblaw look at this.

Oh, he doesn't need to-- it's
all pretty boilerplate stuff.

Yeah, no, I'm fine with it.

I'm gonna be in a movie.

- (laughs)
- No, you're not.

I'm gonna be in a movie. Okay.

NARRATOR:
Now the story of a family

whose future
was abruptly canceled,

and the one son
who had no choice

but to keep himself together.

It's Gob's
Arrested Development.

Gob was making good
on a promise

- he had made to Michael...
- GEORGE MICHAEL: Hi, Uncle Gob.

I need to see you tonight.

- ...to talk to his son.
- It's about your father and you.

Really, is... is he upset?

(over phone):
Do I seem like a clown to you?

I got it.

Do I seem like some kind
of a clown to you?

Look, I got it, I got it,
Uncle Gob, just tell me where.

Meet me tonight
at the Gothic Castle.

I will-- the Gothic Castle?

No, the Gothicassle.
Yes, the Gothic Castle.

No, I didn't say
the Gothicassle.

What, what do you think,
they call it the Gothicassle?

No, I said the Gothic Castle.

- It's the Gothic Castle.
- Gothic Castle.

Okay.

TAILOR:
I think you look amazing.

I'll take it.

- Great.
- No, no.

The compliment, not the shirt.

NARRATOR: And so it was
a very worried George Michael

that arrived to speak to
his uncle at the Gothic Castle,

which, that night,
did actually kind of resemble

the Gothicassle.

- Uncle Gob.
- Don't call me Unc...

Actually, no, that's good,
that works here.

Is my dad upset?
What's going on?

- No, he's fine.
- But you told me he was really upset

- about something.
- I don't know.

I do know that your daddy
wants you to get

your hot, little, tight,
little, hot ass

right up there right away
to see him.

- BOUNCER: You're good.
- You, you had me come all the way here

just to tell me
my dad wants me to meet him?

No, no, those two things
are unrelated.

No, I'm, I'm here 'cause
I'm trying to lock this guy Tony

into this gay magic trick,

and I just needed
a believable arm candy bean.

And don't make that face;
you look homophobic.

- No, I'm not being homophobic.
- Why are you doing this?

- I'm, I'm uncomfortable.
- This is very important for me.

Don't worry, you're blending in
here perfectly.

A newbie.

(chuckles)
Except,

even if he does post that
somewhere,

the Fakeblock thing
will scrub it away.

You know about Fakeblock?

You know, that's my software.

I wonder if my dad thinks
I'm blowing him off

because that's starting
to take off now.

Well, you should go find out
'cause I do know that your dad

is really, really,
really upset with you.

He is upset?
I asked you that.

That was literally
the first thing I asked you.

You're giving me these craz...

- Mad?
- N...

- God, what is that inky taste?
- It's my stamp.

- Oh, I'm so sorry about that.
- No, that-that's okay.

I probably won't come back in.

I-I'm gonna go see my dad.

Yeah, you are
'cause you're a good son.

Ow!

- Bit my tongue, that little bitch.
- Oh, no, he didn't.

- They're always doing that.
- I mean, oh, no, he didn't.

Thank you, George Michael;
honestly I owe you big-time.

Not a lot of nephews
would do this for their uncles.

Now get out of here.

I never want to sleep
with you again.

I mean, I probably will.
(whispers): I don't.

But are we good?

- We're good.
- After successfully looking

like he'd had a fight
with his boyfriend,

Gob put his plan into action.

Knowing that Tony would go
into the closet

and pop out of somewhere else,

Gob proceeded to lock
everything he could find.

Who's the dumbwaiter now?

NARRATOR: And that's when he saw
something that took him

back to a moment when his life
had reached its nadir.

MAN: You know,
if tomorrow you won't open up

and let someone else in, then
the treasures you have inside

may never come out.

(fast-tempo, electronic
dance music begins)

TONY:
A magician has many secrets...

(audience cheering, whistling)

...but there was one I was
forced to keep...

by society.

NARRATOR: And Gob settled in
to watch his revenge play out.

TONY:
"Don't talk to us," they said.

"Keep your hands to yourself,"
they also said.

Magic is only for straight men.

(police siren wailing)

(audience shouting, whooping)

TONY: I don't want
to look at you, son.

Just go to work.

Why can't you be
like your brother?

There! Stay in there!

- (audience groans)
- We don't want you out here!

Well, I'm here,
I'm queer, and now...

I'm in a chair!

- Did somebody say Wonder?
- (audience cheering)

NARRATOR:
Nobody actually did that time,

but I think
he got away with it.

Didn't expect to see you here.
Want to get a drink later?

And believe it or not,
it was this trick...

Now everybody's gay!

...that really brought
the crowd to their feet.

Although it was pretty easy
to figure out how he did it.

They started out gay.

You missed your cue!

Gob was having a drink
with a man

he'd twice tried to sabotage.

Beanbag chair-- I was wondering
what you were gonna pop out of.

Did somebody say Wonder...

...ing?

I always try to stay one step
ahead of the audience.

Vamanos!

Oh, hey, come on, man.

Timing, right?

Hey, leave the mask.

Yeah, of course-- mask.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I use a mask myself, in my act.

But you have to tell me how
you do that bean bag trick.

Well, I guess,
since you're a magician, too.

But not a word of this.

(whispering):
I did use a mask.

I put it on another guy,

and then I was
in the bean bag chair

the whole time.

Oh, well, that's... that's...

(whispering): ...that's why
they put that sign

on the bean bag chair that says,
"Do not steal this..."

And the magicians
shared the secrets

of their ancient
and mystical craft.

TONY (whispering): And also
it's very hard to get out of

(normal volume):
at the end, when I appear.

So how have you been?

I haven't seen you
since your "wedding,"

when you did the Jesus gag.

See, it's like a quotation mark,
but with a "W."

Oh, yeah, right, I got ya.

That's... I should do that.

Hey, don't. Okay?

I-I... I won't.

Yeah, uh, no, the marriage
was unsuccessful.

I guess you could say
I was a runaway groom.

Well, makes sense now,
doesn't it?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,
you are gay, right?

Oh, yes, right, yeah.

Very... because of
what I'm... dressed...

And my boyfriend
was here earlier.

And-and he bit my tongue.

And that's when Gob did

a magic trick of his own.

- Want to see?
- No, I believe you.

I'm just surprised, though,

because you are
the Christian magician.

Although you did look awfully
shredded on that cross.

You should have seen me

when they took me
out of the storage locker.

- Hmm.
- But how'd I get in the storage locker?

That's okay;
I know it didn't work.

Made the "Woops" column
in Poof.

It's cool, though, man;
I've been there.

Your assistant probably
sabotaged you.

I don't even use one anymore.

I resorted to using my own legs

in the
"Saw the Lady in Half" gag.

I even shaved them.

Want to feel?

Wow, they are smooth.

Like a lady's.

I think.

(laughing)

You're funny.

- Too bad we can't do this more.
- Why?

I don't know if it'd be

great for my reputation
to be seen

with the fundamentalist
Christian magician.

And he was suspicious that Gob
might not actually be gay.

MAN: Valet is closing.
The Cabriolet--

- license plate: "ANUS TART."
- That's me.

Aw, what the hell, let's do it.

And that's when Gob came up
with a new revenge plan.

Yeah, let's risk it.

Right? Let's risk it!

Come on.

The next day, Gob shared
his new plan with Tobias.

Good. Seems like
you're done talking.

I, too, am in a relationship,

but mine is purely
a revenge-based deal.

Plan on making this person
fall in love with me

and then destroying them
by breaking their heart.

How do you make someone
fall in love with you?

- Can you pass the mustard, please?
- Yeah.

Oh, it's easy when
you've got so much in common.

Last night, for instance,

we both got a case
of the munchies,

and then we went out
and we stole these pies...

As it turns out, they did
a lot more than steal pies.

They had a raucous good time.

And then the candy
bean dish right here,

we made those
at "Color Me Mine,"

and I know they're
kind of cockeyed,

but they remind us both
of my crooked smile.

Sounds like you're really
into this girl.

Don't call me girl, friend.

No, this is purely
an act of revenge,

filled with white-hot hate.

I'd tell you on who, but this
person is sort of a celebrity.

Oh!

Well, turns out my femme fatale

is a bit of a celebrity herself.

And that's when
Gob found a solution

to filling one of the houses.

...I've been looking
for a place to live.

That's great.
When can you move in?

Uh, duh! Now!

Oh, the other sex offenders
are going to be so jealous.

Wait a minute...

you know of other people
with similar needs?

And that's when
he filled the rest.

Oh, I have a list of men

that could fill
every opening you have.

(coughing)

(laughs, coughs)

Let me get a shot of mustard.

That was all cheese,
but no mustard.

Not wanting
to appear desperate,

Gob waited till late afternoon
to continue his plan

to make Tony
fall in love with him.

TONY (recorded):
It's Tony.

I'm not here right now,
because I'm right behind you.

Made you look.

But how did I know you looked?

Because I'm right behind you!

Made you look again.

Tony, it's Gob.

Man, does anybody
ever fall for that?

Listen, uh, I was just,
I was thinking about you--

what a fun night
we had the other night.

So just call me
when you get a chance.

Okay? All right.

(ringtone plays)

Wow, that was fast,
you hot little...

- It's your mother.
- Hi.

Sorry, I thought you were
somebody else.

I can't tell you who, 'cause I'm
dating someone famous.

And that's when Gob
was given a new job.

You better start
to build this wall, pronto.

I tried with your father,
but he can't do it.

And that's when Gob
was told to make it

(with Lucille):
...look like major construction

had begun on the wall.

So Gob set out to find a crew.

(men shouting)

- (feedback screeching)
- Who wants to... (screaming)

Hurt my ears.

Who wants
to help me build a wall...

to keep Mexicans out of America?

(bleep)
All right, all right!

(men shouting in Spanish)

Who wants to help me

build a wall for no reason?

It's a different wall.

(men shouting, cursing)

- (bleep)
- (men shouting angrily)

(bleep)

(Gob shouting,
feedback screeching)

Aah! This thing is loud!

And so he decided to head
to the border ribbon

to put in some
manual labor himself.

GOB: ...show everyone
that I'm not afraid of

the sweet sting of sweat
in my eyes.

...when he came across
a local maca picker.

You need help to make
your sign stand up?

Yes. No!

I need to find some Mexicans
to help build this wall.

Hey, you know what?

You should get the Chinese
to build your wall.

We make great walls.

That would be great.

How can we make that happen?

I'm Chinese; I know all Chinese.

I hook you up.

- Well, that's, uh...
- (ringtone playing)

That'd be... great.

Would you get off
my (bleep), Mother!

Well, if I wasn't sure
you were gay, I am now.

It's Tony. Hey, Tony.

Sorry I couldn't
talk last night,

but, uh, I'd really love
to get together later.

This week,
or maybe Saturday, say, 5:00?

- Great.
- I'm thinking Little Ballroom.

Little Ballroom good?
Or you sick of Little Ballroom?

- I'll see you there.
- Bye.

That was Tony.
My friend Tony.

Oh, she sounds wonderful.

No... no...
I'm gonna get revenge on him

and destroy his life.

Her life.

Our... life.

Destroy our life.

Destroy our life.

That doesn't matter.
Who cares?

But Tony Wonder
had a secret, too.

We're on.

And he definitely thinks
you're gay, right?

Don't worry, the only thing I'm
better at than (bleep)-ing women

is pretending I'm gay.

Trust me, I am all man.

Give me a little leg shave?

All right, well,
you have to be careful.

If Gob finds out
you're straight,

he'll use it to ruin you,

and I'll lose the hundred grand
I stole from Lucille Austero

to re-brand you
as the gay magician.

It seemed Sally Sitwell
had a secret also.

I know that.

Why are you telling me all this?

'Cause if she finds out,
we both go down.

And I don't want
to have to sell that closet

as a sweat sauna on Craigslist.

- Ow!
- Ooh. Sorry.

It's fine.

And as long as we're recapping

things that we already know,

an inside source tells me

he's my ticket
to Internet billions.

Inside source?

Oh, I didn't tell you that?

- No.
- That's new?

It's "in the bag."

Tony made that sound
a lot cooler than it was.

That Fakeblock thing will
scrub it away.

You know about Fakeblock?

You know, that's my software.

I wonder if my dad thinks...

It took a lot of restraint
for Tony to not pop out

when he heard
the word "wonder,"

but he was carried
into the audience

before he could hear that Gob
wasn't actually gay.

TONY: I don't want some Spanish
guy sitting on me.

Once I get him alone,
I get into his phone,

get his boyfriend's information,

hack into his software
and make a fortune.

Ow!

How do you not know how
to shave a leg?

I've never done it before.

Anyway, he's halfway to falling
in love with me already.

I mean, he actually sounded
excited about seeing me tonight.

Poor guy doesn't realize
I'm about to destroy our life.

Our life?

I mean,
destroy our life with Gob.

Dest... I'm going to destroy
our life-- my life-- with Gob.

("The Sound of Silence"
by Simon & Garfunkel playing)

Destroy my life with Gob.

♪ Hello darkness,
my old friend... ♪

Destroy my life with Gob.

Just be careful.

Could be a house of cards.

- (both yelling)
- Aah! Ooh!

- Caterpillar!
- Yep! There it went.

That's exactly what that was.

- Ow!
- Weird.

Very weird.

Caterpillar...

and that weird fuzzy moth
in the drain...

NARRATOR: It seemed Sally
had two secrets.

And days later,
Gob was feeling pretty good.

China Garden had come through
with a crew to build the wall,

and with the help of
a well-placed ad,

he'd successfully filled all
the homes in Sudden Valley.

And he was on his way to
a hot date with Tony Wonder.

Siri, where is
the Little Ballroom?

SIRI:
I have three matches.

(mumbles):
I'm going to need the gayest.

Did you say the "grayest"?

(snickering)

I need the, uh, gayest one.

SIRI:
Did you say the "grayest"?

I need the gayest
Little Ballroom!

SIRI:
Okay, Gob, try this one.

I've got to tell Michael
that I saw another map car.

He's gonna be blown away.

GOB:
You don't see them a lot.

- Well...
- I'm fine.

...looks like he's turning
into a parking lot.

My Little Ballroom.
Of course, yeah.

She's got a kid,
he's acting like

he's Father of the Year
or something.

I bet he's pretending
Steve Holt is, like, nine.

I just saw him, he looks 50.

NARRATOR:
But of course Gob was

at the wrong Little Ballroom.

I do not get this lifestyle.

- Gob?
- You're mistaken.

Hi, there.

- Michael.
- Yeah.

Well, look who's here: you.

Where is she?

First of all, that's very dated
of you, Michael.

"He's" don't like
to be called "she's"

and I don't who this he-man is
that you're referring to.

No, no, no, it's a "she."
My girlfriend.

That's who I'm talking about.

Rebel. Rebel Alley.
Where is she?

- Never met him.
- It's a she.

Nice try.
Now what are you doing here?

You gonna meet her here
with her son, maybe,

so her son can play
in the ball pit?

That's disgusting, Michael.

- This is no place for a child.
- I know what you do.

Mom told me
you were bragging about

seeing somebody in showbiz.

Then I see
a frozen dove in a freezer.

That could be anything.

It said "Love each other"
on the foot band.

Yeah, that does
sound like one of mine.

Whose freezer was it in?

Rebel. Rebel Alley's.
Nice try, Gob.

If I want to see bad acting,

I'll go see Tobias in
A Jew Comes to Dinner.

But Gob wasn't acting.

He'd just forgotten
that he had met

a still-partying Rebel Alley.

It's a little dove.
He's so cute.

And Rebel returned home
to an unfortunate surprise.

(dove squawks)

She felt bad,
so quickly put it in a bag,

wrote down the species
and location

from which she'd acquired it
and then one further caution.

It was a merry mix-up.

But neither of them
knew any of this.

Honestly, I have no idea what
you're talking about, Michael.

Yes, you do.
I got you dead to rights.

Dead to rights!

If ever we were gonna
have a fight, Michael,

this would be
the safest place to do it.

- Right! Let's do it!
- This gay bar would be the best...!

...something that can fillet a
chicken and subdue an intruder.

Let's do it!

Back to My Little Ballroom?

Yeah, this is the middle
of their workday.

Hey! Hey! Come back here!

You son of a bitch, Gob!

You'll never catch me, Michael!

♪ You raped and pushed
and struggled ♪

♪ All those balls in the air... ♪

You have to find me, Michael!

♪ How hard can it be? ♪

Gob?

♪ ...those balls in the air ♪

♪ But keep those
balls in the air ♪

♪ Balls in the air. ♪

Are we done?

I'm just surprisingly tired.

So tired... and so not hurt.

Look, I'm not the guy, Michael.

I thought you'd be proud of me.
I did what you said.

I filled all your...
your houses.

Hang on-- filled 'em?

Every last one of 'em.

With who?

With sex offenders.

Hey! Hey!

Gob, you're out of the movie!

BOY: Thanks for ruining
my birthday party.

NARRATOR:
After fighting with Gob,

Michael paid a return visit
to his mother.

- What happened to your eye?
- Oh...

Is that from Gob?
Was I right about him?

No, actually.
Want to hear a funny story?

You're out of the movie.

Hold on, George.

I beg your pardon?

Did you say George?
Is that Dad?

'Cause he's the one
who told me to hire Gob.

I actually owe him a call.

Hey, Dad, how you doing?

Y-Yes, he did.

With sex offenders.

You want
to hear something funny?

You're out of the movie!

Want to hold for Mom? Yeah.

Bye.

And later that night,
Gob went to win back the trust

of the man he was still
hoping to con.

Hey, look...

Although he quickly
lost sight of that plan.

- You're mad at me.
- You stood me up.

Oh, no-- Siri sent me
to the wrong "Ballroom,"

and then I got in this fight
with my brother

that didn't hurt,
it was just a whole...

Oh, is that it?
Or is it because

your boyfriend is 20
and I'm nearly twice that?

You think that I care
that you're...

three years older than me?

No! I don't--
Check my phone. Check my phone.

I don't need to check
your phone; come on in.

But getting Gob's boyfriend's

contact information
out of that phone

was the reason
for Tony's charade.

He hates me;
the whole family hates me.

- Damn it!
- Which he remembered too late.

Yeah, damn it!

I mean, I even helped
fill his stupid homes

with sex offenders,
and yet he still hates me.

Sex offenders need
a place to live, too.

Yes! Exactly!
That's what I always say.

It's, like, God...
you get me.

Well, you're an easy guy to get.

I can't go home;
he's probably waiting for me.

He's gonna be my boss?

He's the younger brother.

- How old is he?
- 42.

Same!

My younger brother's 42, also.

Same!

But...

- I mean 32.
- Third... two...

- 32.
- 32! Same!

- Same! I was gonna say it.
- Same?

- I was thinking the same.
- That's so weird!

(both talking at once)

- ...same.
- ...same.

- Crazy!
- ...zy!

Do you want a glass of wine?

I love wine.

- Red wine?
- I love red wine!

- Same!
- Same!

(laughing)

It's, like, two same.

- That's in-same.
- Totally in-same.

It turns out the guys
had tons in common.

- That's so weird.
- ...weird.

- Like...
- Like...

BOTH:
...the last... time I went...

BOTH:
...scuba diving?

- Wow.
- Wow.

BOTH:
...eating... Captain Crunch.

- Same.
- Same.

The hours melted away...

TONY:
I guess I must have been...

...and perhaps,
pretending to be gay...

...I don't know, 17...

...allowed them the freedom
to speak honestly.

...when I started saying "same."

- Same.
- That's about the same time I got into magic.

You know, I think I got into
misdirection 'cause I just...

maybe I was trying to hide
my feelings or something.

I was just doing it
to get out of gym.

Who's Jim?

No, I... phys ed.

(laughs) Jealous!

- Oh... kidding.
- (laughing): Right.

(singsong):
Kidding.

(both laughing)

- Ooh!
- Oh...

- Don't stop.
- Oh!

Popcorn fight!

(Tony coughing)

(gagging)

It almost went down my throat.

(Gob sighs)

I'll get some water.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, just...

NARRATOR: And Tony had
another opportunity

to get at Gob's phone.

And chose not to take it.

Gob also saw an opportunity to,
in some small way,

sabotage Tony's act.

And he also chose not to,

although he did put the mask
down his pants.

Ah.

(gulping loudly)

BOTH:
Ah.

We were really thirsty.

Well, I guess I should get go...

Yeah, I'd say stay,
but I just... I feel...

I just feel like we should
take it slow, you know.

Oh, same.

I-I would definitely stay
and have gay sex with...

or normal sex with you, but...

Yeah, I would totally have
gay sex or whatever, but...

just drank a lot of water,
you know.

I-I just... I just had
a lot of water, too.

Yeah, I don't want
to rush things.

- Same.
- Same.

You know, maybe we make
a date to do it

another time,
and tonight we just...

We can just sit and talk.

Gob had never said anything
like that before.

That would be amazing.

And then he said something else
he'd never said before.

I have... feelings for you.

I have feelings...

for you.

The feeling was friendship,

but neither had ever
experienced it.

All they had to do now was
avoid making any specific...

Why don't we have normal sex
on Cinco?

Let's have normal sex on Cinco.

I guess they figured they could
get out of it later.

I'm not sure why
they said that.

- Same!
- Same!

NARRATOR: It was
the Newport Beach celebration

of Cinco de Cuatro,

and after taking care
of some business,

- Gob ran into an almost ex-wife.
- No, honey, on Cinco,

we break the stick
and not the piñata. Okay, look.

Whoo! Huh?

GOB:
Well...

- (chuckles)
- How long has it been?

- It's been five years.
- What are you doing here?

I'm taking my five-year-old
to see Fantastic Four.

I'm pretty sure
that's an adult...

Wait, you have a five-year-old?

Oui.

What? We what?

No, oui.
It's French for "yes."

As in, "Yes, I have a son,

and his father's a magician."

(intro to
"The Sound of Silence" playing)

(mariachi band playing
"The Sound of Silence")

Oh. It's not us.

Don't worry. It's not you.

It was a real magician.

He took advantage
of how angry I was

when you wouldn't come out
of that cave.

He promised me
a life together, and after

he had his way with me,
he never wanted to see me again.

I don't think
there's anything wonderful

about Tony Wonder.

Are you kidding me?
Are you saying...

- Yes.
- Tony's straight?

Gob felt betrayed by a person
he was starting to trust,

and he decided
to do something about it.

How would you like to spend
the night making revenge love?

(sighs) Uh, Jacqueline,
could you, uh...?

With a plan to get revenge
on Tony Wonder taking shape,

Gob met with Ann
at the model home.

I'm ready, Gob.

Yeah, okay, well,
don't get ready yet.

Uh, Tony's not
going to be here for a bit.

Tony?

You're having sex
with Tony Wonder tonight.

Well, I-I thought
we were having sex.

Oh. Uh, no, thank you.
(chuckles)

Listen, here's the plan--
this house is wired

with hidden cameras
from Entrap a Local Predator.

There, there, there and there.

We're going to destroy
Tony's career

by proving that he's straight
when he has sex with you

while you're wearing...

this Gob mask.

Oh, and this little black
mini-robe.

Just to really sell
that you're a man.

Why would I wear a Gob mask?

Because Tony's coming here
expecting to have sex with me.

Look, in the act of having
fake gay sex,

you're going to take off
the mask to reveal

that you're having
real straight sex,

destroying his career,
and it's all going to be

captured on that camera
right there.

I don't want to have sex
with Tony.

Aren't you just a little cur...?

I have a child with him!

Okay, yes, new plan.

I'm going to wear
this Tony Wonder mask,

you're going to wear
the Gob mask, and...

I am going to have sex with you.

I'm sorry about all that.

And then, again, you're
going to rip off the Gob mask,

and the world will think
that he's straight,

and it'll ruin his career.

That's great.

Much simpler plan, thank you.

But the main event
is us having this...

pretend gay
but actually straight sex.

And you know what it is?

It's a straight bait.

I just realized,
it's a straight bait.

You ever watch those?

Good, and let me
have the room, yeah.

I need a little while
to get same.

To be the same.

NARRATOR: Downstairs, however,
Tony had arrived early...

Hello? Hello?

...and was looking
for a place to pop out of

in case Gob said "Wonder."

- That piece of sh...
- ANN: Tony?

Hey... you.

It's Ann.

Awfully funny time
to run into you.

Yes, it is an awfully funny time
to see you, too...

you.

I know I owe you child support.

Don't worry, I got
something big in the works.

Actually,
that's why I came here.

- What are you doing here?
- Gob invited me.

He's planning
on getting revenge on you.

(laughs)
He would never do that.

Then why did he want to have sex
with me with this on?

Wait a minute.

Sex with you?

Gob is straight?

Oh, yeah, he is.

- Tony?
- I just... Why would he do that?

I thought he was gay.

- Tony, you're not gay, either.
- That's business.

Why do you think David Geffen
pretends to be gay?

You think
the Shubert Organization

would entrust a project
like Dreamgirls

to a straight producer?

How do you know so much
about Dreamgirls?

'Cause it's my business
to know about Dreamgirls.

And if you wanted to be
in a film version

of a musical called
The Magic Show, done in 1974

by another secretly straight guy
named Doug Henning,

you'd make it
your business, too.

I mean,
they can't give everything

to Doogie Howser, right?

Biggest fake gay there is,
by the way.

But if I fund it,
then they can't say no to me.

But it's big money--
I mean, 20, 30, 40 mil.

Fakeblock money.

I can't believe
I'm telling you all this.

I... I've been
overexplaining the (bleep)

out of everything lately.

You can't tell a soul.

No one I know will care.

Look, do you want
to out Gob as gay

so it'll ruin his career
as the Christian magician?

- Yes, of course.
- Are you still your own legs?

And do you have toenail polish
on you right now?

Are you asking, am I wearing
any, or do I have any extra?

Because the answer
to both questions is yes.

Then we're covered.
You and I will have sex.

And you wear this Gob mask, and
I'll wear a Tony Wonder mask.

Okay, I have two questions.

One: Are you going to
move this time?

And two: Why can't I just be me
and you wear the Gob mask?

I just thought that if you
had to have sex with a man,

wouldn't it be more of a turn-on

to have sex with someone
that looks like you?

Okay.

Put these on,
and then meet me in the bedroom

in five minutes for some serious
secular intercourse.

With myself.

Yeah.

- Same.
- Same.

- Same.
- Same.

And two men who never loved
anyone but themselves...

- Same. Same.
- Become... the same.

...prepared to ruin
each other's reputation.

- Same.
- Same.

- Same.
- Same.

GOB:
I should dim the lights.

And that's how Ann
not only performed

a real-life version of Tony's
most beloved illusion...

Now everybody's gay!

...but was responsible
for the first reported instance

of a Christian
straight-to-gay conversion.

Gob went downstairs
to take a forget-me-now...

Is that you, Maria?

...when he bumped into a
brother who also had a secret.

GOB: We did make quite a mess
in that bedroom.

- Michael.
- Gob?

And relished the opportunity
to rub it in.

Besides, you could not make me
feel worse right now.

I'd be willing
to let you have your

apology back if you give me
the chance to try.

Bad example. If you were ashamed
of being in love with a man,

suddenly discovered
these new feelings,

something that you only
allowed to happen because

you thought he was gay
and you were hoping

to exact revenge, but then
you found out he was straight,

then you wanted to get even,
so maybe you put a mask

on someone and then tried
to convince yourself

that the sex you were
about to have was with yourself,

but it turned out to be him,
and all you ended up doing

was proving that your feelings
were real...

then I might say something like,
"Homo much?"

- It's not that.
- I said, "Bad example."

Hey, listen, Michael,
if you want,

- we can split this.
- No.

Believe me,
this is the last time I ever

- judge you for anything
- (door opens)

that you ever do.

Oh, (bleep).

Is that who you were with?

And Gob decided to be generous

- with his last forget-me-now...
- (grunting): No!

and for the first time,
it was Michael

who forgot his shame,
and Gob who remembered.

Stupid, forgetful Michael.

Michael wakes up and is
reminded of something horrible.

FATHER MARSALA (over TV):
700,000. Think about it.

That is a very big number.

700,000 abortions every year...

NARRATOR:
The amount of money he owed

because Tobias wanted
to mount this abortion.

♪ Fantastic Three,
Fantastic... ♪

And he does something that
he never thought he'd do...

LUCILLE 2 (recorded):
Vote for Lucille!

- (beep)
- Hey, Lucille 2.

I was hoping that
we could get together

and talk about how I can
repay you that loan.

...and had already done.

And then, with nothing
left to lose,

he makes another call.

Rebel. Yeah, Michael.

I need to come over.

I'm... I don't want to act

like it doesn't matter
to me anymore, 'cause it does.

Well, there's somebody here
right now.

I don't care.

The thing with
the other guy, it's...

you know, that's over,
so we don't...

we don't ever have to talk
about that ever again.

It's going away.

Okay, well, you can
come over later, okay?

- Good-bye.
- I'll see you soon.

GEORGE MICHAEL:
Who was that?

No one.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com