Original subtitles

You sure Crocker hasn't called?

He was supposed to meet me here a half-hour ago.

Another drink while you're waiting, Mr Whitney?

Please! Seven's my limit.

Hear you're off to England, Mr Whitney.

Big stuff, Fred, the biggest.

Business, huh? Henley Regatta.

Boot the Yale boat home.

Bulldog, Bulldog, bow wow wow.

♪ Eli Yale! ♪

Play ball!

Crocker! Where the hell have you been? You're a half hour late.

Relax, bass, I have been taking care of business.

I've got your steamer ticket, English money, train ticket

up to Henley, and I picked Little Eli up at Brooks Brothers.

New letter sweater looks terrific!

Oh!

What about my passport?

Nuts! Oh, I'm sorry, boss.

I'll pick it up first thing in the morning,

and bring it to you down on the boat.

Damn it, Crocker, I want you down on Wall Street first thing

in the morning to sell all my shares...

QUIETER: ..to sell all my shares of Amalgamated Prestoleum.

But boss, the firm's entire assets are tied up in Amalgamated.

I got a hot tip from Charlie Blodgett.

Amalgamated's going to sink like the Titanic.

You always told me Charlie Blodgett was a liar and a drunk.

He is.

But he's a Yale man.

One for the road, sir?

Yeah, make it a double.

Goodnight, gentlemen.

Anybody call for me, Fred?

Yeah, Harriet, Nancy, Lorraine...

Two Lorraines.

How about a Hope? Hope Harcourt?

No, but there was a lady came in asking for you.

He's wrong, Billy. It was only me.

Reno!

Oh, my God. We had a date.

That's OK. I'd say forget it, but you already did.

Reno, I am so sorry.

My boss is going to London first thing in the morning,

I had a thousand things to do for him.

I'M going to London in the morning,

and all you had to do for me was buy me a drink.

What'll it be, ma'am?

A martini, only make it with rye and put a cherry in it

instead of an olive. Yeah, two Manhattans, Fred.

You know, I'm getting worried about you, Billy.

I don't think this Wall Street job is good for you.

Hey, I'm making $35 a week!

Yeah, but look at you. Look at your coat.

What's the matter with my coat? It's got a fried egg on the pocket.

That's an old school crest.

From where? PS 88?

You're in trouble, kid.

If you keep acting like a stuffed shirt stockbroker,

you're going to turn into one. Why do I put up with this, Fred?

You're nuts about me.

In fact, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you come to London with me?

Reno, be serious.

I am serious.

England won't be the same without you.

Nah, guys like me are a dime a dozen.

You won't miss me over there.

Why are the cute ones always so dumb?

♪ My story is much too sad to be told

♪ But practically everything leaves me totally cold

♪ The only exception I know is the case

♪ When I'm out on a quiet spree

♪ Fighting vainly the old ennui

♪ And I suddenly turn and see

♪ Your fabulous face

♪ I get no kick from champagne

♪ Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all

♪ So tell me why should it be true?

♪ That I get a kick out of you

♪ Some get a kick from cocaine

♪ I'm sure that if I took even one sniff

♪ That would bore me terrifically too

♪ Yet I get a kick out of you

♪ I get a kick every time I see you standing there before me

♪ I get a kick though it's clear to me

♪ You obviously don't adore me

♪ I get no kick in a plane

♪ Flying too high with some guy in the sky

♪ Is my idea of nothing to do

♪ Yet I get a kick out of you. ♪

APPLAUSE

Oh, hell, Reno, there's something I've got to tell you.

Yeah? I'm in love.

I'm in cabin 13.

No, come on, Reno, not with you.

I'm in love with a girl.

God, she's fantastic!

In fact, she is so fantastic she won't even talk to me.

That's why I can't go to London. I've got to stay here...

Oh, so that's it, eh?

All this time, you were just giving me the runaround?

The runaround?

You had me thinking you wanted to marry me!

How could you think that? I always treated you with respect.

Exactly. Did you ever try and get me drunk?

No. Did you invite me up to your apartment

to look at your etchings?

No. We've been any taxi dozens of times,

did you ever once make a pass?

No, not one lousy pass.

You shouldn't have led me on like that if you didn't mean it!

Reno, I never meant to mislead you.

The hell you didn't! You never even laid a hand on me,

and I'm not used to men treating me like that.

♪ I get no kick in a plane

♪ Flying too high with some guy in the sky

♪ Is my idea of nothing to do

♪ Yet I get a kick out of you. ♪

♪ Oh, there's no cure like travel to help you unravel

♪ The worries of living today

♪ When the poor brain is cracking

♪ There's nothing like packing

♪ A suitcase and sailing away

♪ Take a run round Vienna, Granada, Ravenna, Siena

♪ And then around Rome

♪ Have a high time

♪ A low time, and in no time

♪ You'll be singing home, sweet home. ♪

Excuse me, Captain.

Has a Mr Eli Whitney come aboard?

Mr Whitney is in the bar.

I thought you kept the bar closed till you sailed.

He had a note from his doctor. Oh. Thank you.

Captain, Captain, a catastrophe!

We may have to delay the sailing!

What is it?

Icebergs? A hurricane?

Worse!

Charlie Chaplin just wired.

He's cancelling his berth and sailing on the Mauritania.

Good God!

The passenger list, quick!

Hope Harcourt, the debutante. That's not bad.

The Normandie has Jimmy Walker and Machine Gun Kelly.

Lord Evelyn Oakleigh?

Nothing. Wealthy Englishman.

Wait a minute!

Napoleon!

That's the dessert menu.

Then we've got nobody!

Quick, run down to the Stork Club and see if anyone's left over

from last night. Aye, aye, sir.

Would you just calm down?

How can I calm down? We're about to spend six days

pretending to be something that we're not, and why? Why?!

So we can hitch a free ride on the world's classiest ocean liner,

that's why. And you think you're the only person on this barge

pretending to be something that he's not? Half the passengers...

Hey, captain, where's the celebrities?

This tab is deader than the Flying Dutchman.

Oh, fellows, please!

My two stray sheep! Come along.

Ah, the gentlemen of the press.

I am Henry T Dobson.

Not THE Henry T Dobson?!

Are you serious, Captain? Cut the bushwah.

As you no doubt have heard,

I'm on the way to the Westminster conference where I shall present

my two newest converts, Luke and John.

Luke here was a compulsive gambler, who, as a reminder of his former

shame, still carries with him a deck of cards.

And poor John was a compulsive drinker...

Reno Sweeney! All right, now getting somewhere!

I'll say. Hey, Reno, what are you doing on board this tub?

Same thing I do at my nightclub, boys.

I'll be saving sinners twice a night in the ship's lounge.

I see you brought the sinners with you.

Meet my angels.

Purity. Hi.

Chastity. Hi.

Charity. Hi.

And I'm Virtue.

BOTH: Hi.

The easy kind, no doubt.

Say, brother, was that a pass?

Miss Sweeney, I have no interest in either you or your fallen angels.

I'm ashamed to be seen in public with you.

How about a picture, boys? Yes, please.

If you could just hold there.

Make sure to send a couple to the Archbishop.

HE GRUMBLES Luke! John!

ANGELS: Bye! I tell you, boys,

it ain't easy being New York's most notorious evangelist.

Come, who will lead this sinner beside distilled waters?

BOTH: What?

Which way to the bar?

Oh, just through there. Thank you.

Oh, hey, girls, give us the hallelujah.

ANGELS: Hallelujah!

Ooh!

Hey, look! Hope Harcourt!

Hey, Miss Harcourt, are you presiding at the gold and silver

ball this year? How about the Newport cotillion?

Gentlemen, my daughter's debutante days are over.

She's about to be married.

BOTH: Married?! Yes, it's true.

I'm marrying Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

We're getting married at St Paul's Cathedral,

and I'm very, very happy.

Hey, Edith, how about a smooch?

I beg your pardon?

That's a kiss, your Highness.

No! How marvellous!

You know, I'm making a collection of expressions you Americans use.

"A smooch is a kiss."

I say, darling, how about a smooch?

Egad! Evangeline Harcourt!

Elisha Whitney!

HE GROWLS

Down, boy, down.

Eli, you haven't changed in 40 years.

Me?! Look at you!

You always did know how to fill a girdle.

Eli, really!

Have some respect for the memory of my late husband.

Of course, forgive me.

You know, if it's any consolation, I was just coming out of

the stock exchange when he took off from that ledge.

He jumped like a Yale man.

Thank you, Eli.

Boss, your passport.

Oh, my gosh! Eli, you know my daughter Hope.

And this is her fiance, Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

Her fiance?

German word, Crocker. It means they're getting married.

I don't believe it! I still don't either.

And yet a week from now, my little Hope will be a Lady.

This calls for a drink! Come along, everybody.

Isn't Mr Crocker going to join us?

No, no. He's got a date down on Wall Street.

Get going, Crocker, and sell those shares.

Yes, sir. This way, my dear.

Hope, wait...

WHISTLE BLOWS

All ashore that's going ashore. All ashore that's going ashore.

Who is God? The creator of all things.

Where is God? God is everywhere.

And what does God know?

Who's going to win the Kentucky derby.

You, have you seen a minister?

A what?

FBI. We're looking for a gangster dressed up like a minister.

You seen him? Yeah, he went that way.

Show us. I've got to see somebody in the bar.

BOTH: Show us.

Look, guys, I really don't have time for this.

Was it this way? This is ridiculous. Come on.

Psst! Moonie!

The coast is clear. Erma!

Erma! Hey!

Are we in England yet?

Where's Snake Eyes? He hasn't showed.

To hell with Snake Eyes!

Come on, he's public enemy number one, he can take care of himself.

Oh, my God, you don't suppose the cops nabbed him?

I've got to find him! Snake Eyes!

Snake Eyes! Quiet! Quiet!

We're trying to make a getaway here, OK? Mm-hm.

SNAKE EYES! Erma, just...

Now look what you made me do.

That's my "straddle various."

Ah! A fellow cleric.

No, I'm out of here.

Allow me to introduce myself, Doctor.

The Reverend Henry T Dobson. Yeah.

Are you on your way to the conference?

No, I was thinking of going to bed early tonight, OK?

Oh, I mean the Westminster conference.

No, you see, I'm not a west minister.

I'm more in the east.

What is your field, Doctor?

Me, I'm a missionary.

A missionary! Where? Way out in China.

Oh, I served in China for years!

Oh, wow, that's amazing.

Well, I wasn't actually in China, I was more...

Oh, I see, you were in Indochina.

That's right, I was, it was Indoor China, yeah, yeah.

And you were...

BOTH: Outdoor China!

That's so funny.

Yes. We'll have lots to talk about.

Sure. HE SPEAKS CHINESE

I'm sorry?

HE SPEAKS CHINESE

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Hey, there he is!

FBI! Gotcha, Moon.

Unhand me this instant!

I am the Reverend Henry T Dobson!

Save it for the judge, buddy.

Oh, my God, they're taking him away!

He's gone! He's gone! What are we going to do?

Excuse me, captain, is there a casino on the ship?

Why, no.

There is now.

Luke, stop! What are you doing?

We're going to end up in the brig!

I just wanted to say bon voyage to the lady, boss.

You'll be saying bon voyage to your job, Crocker,

unless you get the hell off this boat!

SHIP HORN SOUNDS

I can find Snake Eyes anywhere!

What will I do? He's my man! He's my life!

Erma, Erma, forget Snake Eyes!

WOLF WHISTLE

OK.

Final call!

All ashore that's going ashore.

You blew it, Snake Eyes!

Now what'll I do with his passport and ticket?

Could you let me have them? Who are you?

Give him the goods, come on, he saved my ass.

Thanks a lot.

"Murray Hill Cleaners."

Murray Hill Cleaners? Where'd he get a name like that?

The Yellow Pages.

Final call!

All ashore that's going ashore!

Final call!

Oh, what am I doing?

I'm supposed to be down on Wall Street!

♪ Bon voy-age

♪ You mean bon voyage

♪ I hate to say goodbye, sweetheart

♪ By the seashore

♪ You mean sur la plage

♪ I'll wait and watch the sea

♪ Till you come back to me

♪ Oh, my dearie

♪ You mean ma cherie

♪ I'm yours for life

♪ You mean pour la vie

♪ So kiss me, pretty wench

In English or in French

♪ Bon voy-age, bon voyage

♪ Oh, there is no cure like travel # Bon voy-age, I mean bon voyage

♪ To help you unravel # I hate to say goodbye, sweetheart

♪ The worries of living today # By the seashore

♪ When the poor brain is cracking # I mean sur la plage

♪ There's nothing like packing # I'll wait and watch the sea

♪ A suitcase and sailing away # Till you come back to me

♪ Take a run round Vienna, Granada, Ravenna, Siena

♪ And then around Rome # Oh, my dearie, I mean ma cherie

♪ Have a high time # So kiss me, pretty wench

♪ A low time, and in no time # In English or in French

♪ You'll be singing home, sweet home

♪ Bon voyage! ♪

♪ Oh, there is no cure like travel

♪ To help you unravel

♪ The worries of living today

♪ When the poor brain is cracking

♪ There's nothing like packing

♪ A suitcase and sailing away

♪ Take a run round Vienna, Granada, Ravenna, Siena

♪ And then around Rome

♪ Have a high time

♪ A low time, and in no time

♪ You'll be singing home, sweet home. ♪

Last seating for supper. Thank you.

Excuse me, Purser, I'm looking for Miss Hope Harcourt.

Is she in the dining room?

She and Lord Oakleigh were down for the 8.00 seating, Mr...

Oh, Flowers.

Murray Hill Flowers.

"Murray Hill Flowers"?

I mean "Cleaners"! Nuts!

What is your name, sir?

Billy Crocker!

Oh hey, Billy, good to see you!

You came after all!

BILLY CLEARS THROAT POINTEDLY

I didn't see you come aboard. Where you been hiding?

HE CLEARS THROAT AGAIN How'd you get a ticket?

Oh, you're still sore at me for last night.

Listen, Billy, I wanted...

You're not sore at me for last night.

Well, you should be, I was out of line.

Forget it, Reno. No, no, it's your love life.

If you're satisfied with second-best, forget about me

and go after Miss Fantastic.

Well, I did. She's on the boat.

Fantastic.

Oh, Reno, I'm in a mess.

I'm going to lose my job, my boss is going to lose his shirt,

and all because of some damned dame.

Well, she must be some damned dame.

Oh, Reno, she is.

You are going to love her.

Her name is Hope.

Hope Harcourt.

Hope Harcourt?

The debutante hope Harcourt?

The one who came out on a Zeppelin?

The one who chases foxes on the cover of Life?!

What are you saying, she's out of my league?

Billy... Hell, maybe she is.

Billy... No, no, I can see it now.

Guys like me deliver her groceries, they don't walk her down the aisle.

Besides, she's engaged to some English guy,

an earl or something.

Billy...

..we've been friends forever, right?

Yeah. So friend to friend, let me ask you something.

Where the hell is the old Crocker confidence?

You think some teabag can compete with you?

You think he's got one tiny fraction of your brains,

your looks, your...

Your...

♪ At words poetic, I'm so pathetic

♪ That I always have found it best

♪ Instead of getting 'em off my chest

♪ To let 'em rest unexpressed

♪ I hate parading my serenading

♪ As I'll probably miss a bar

♪ But if this ditty is not so pretty

♪ At least it'll tell you how great you are

♪ You're the top

♪ You're the Colosseum

♪ You're the top

♪ You're the Louvre Museum

♪ You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss

♪ You're a Bendel bonnet

♪ A Shakespeare sonnet

♪ You're Mickey Mouse

♪ You're the Nile

♪ You're the Tower of Pisa

♪ You're the smile on the Mona Lisa

♪ I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop

♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top

♪ Your words pathetic are not pathetic

♪ On the other hand, babe, you shine

♪ And I can feel after ev'ry line

♪ A thrill divine

♪ Down my spine

♪ Now gifted humans like Vincent Youmans

♪ Might think that your song is bad

♪ But I got a notion I'll second the motion

♪ And this is what I'm going to add

♪ You're the top

♪ You're Mahatma Gandhi

♪ You're the top

♪ You're Napoleon Brandy

♪ You're the purple light of a summer night in Spain

♪ You're the National Gallery

♪ You're Garbo's salary

♪ You're cellophane

♪ You're sublime

♪ You're a turkey dinner

♪ You're the time of the derby winner

♪ I'm a toy balloon that's fated soon to pop

♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top

♪ You're the top

♪ You're an Arrow collar

♪ You're the top

♪ You're a Coolidge dollar

♪ You're the nimble tread of the feet of Fred Astaire

♪ You're an O'Neill drama

♪ You're Whistler's mama

♪ You're camembert

♪ You're a rose

♪ You're Inferno's Dante

♪ You're the nose on the great Durante

♪ I'm just in the way

♪ As the French would say, "de trop"

♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top

♪ You're the top

♪ You're a dance in Bali

♪ You're the top

♪ You're a hot tamale

♪ You're an angel, you, simply too, too, too diveen

♪ You're a Botticelli

♪ You're Keats # You're Shelley

♪ You're Ovaltine

♪ You're a boon

♪ You're the dam at Boulder

♪ You're the moon

♪ Over Mae West's shoulder

♪ I'm the nominee of the GOP

♪ Or Gop

♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom

♪ You're the top

♪ You're the top

♪ You're my Swanee River

♪ You're the top

♪ You're goose's liver

♪ You're the baby grand of a lady and a gent

♪ You're a dress from Saks's, you're next year's taxes

♪ You're Pepsodent

♪ You're a prize

♪ You're a night at Coney

♪ You're the eyes of Irene Bordoni

♪ I'm a frightened frog that can find no log to hop

♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top

♪ You're the top

♪ You're a Waldorf salad

♪ You're the top

♪ You're a Berlin ballad

♪ You're the boats that glide on the sleepy Zuider Zee

♪ You're an Old Dutch master

♪ You're Lady Aster

♪ You're broccoli

♪ You're romance

♪ You're the steppes of Russia

♪ You're the pants on a Roxy usher

♪ I'm a broken doll

♪ A fol-de-rol # A blop

♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom

♪ You're the top. ♪

APPLAUSE

Try taking deep breaths, dear, that always helps me.

Maybe you should go lie down.

And leave you all alone?

I wouldn't dream of it.

Besides, I'll be right as rain as soon as we escape these swells.

But the sea's as flat as a pancake, dear.

Oh, Hope, please, I wish you wouldn't mention food just now.

Sorry. I'll go get you a Bromo.

Hiya, Hope, how you doing?

Hello, Billy.

Billy! You know, you're beautiful when you're about to faint.

Billy, I didn't know you were sailing!

I didn't either. Then what are you doing here?

I'm selling life preservers.

No, Hope, I stowed away to be with you.

I couldn't let you go.

Oh, Billy.

EVELYN GROANS

Oh, Billy, this is my fiance, Evelyn Oakleigh.

Ah, Billy Crocker, pleased to meet you!

Forgive me, I'm afraid I rather overdid it in the dining room.

Me too. Did you have the sweetbreads?

Best brains I ever ate.

Billy! Although I've never seen them serve that way before,

with jellied eels and headcheese.

Billy, stop it! Night, all!

Billy, was that fair?

Fair? I find you standing here in the moonlight with him.

I didn't shoot him, I didn't push him overboard,

I thought I was more than fair.

You're being terribly bad, Billy.

Why, we hardly know each other.

"Hardly know each other"?

We met one night at a party, we danced, had a little too much wine,

we took a little spin round the park.

You call five hours in the back of a taxi "a little spin"?

Four hours. Five, remember you fell asleep after we...?

I remember.

And then I took you down to that little cafe by the docks.

We ate breakfast as the sun came up.

Yeah, we talked about going to California

and getting a little bungalow, raising orange trees.

Raising kids.

Billy, that was a fantasy.

Things like that just aren't done.

Yeah!

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Me and you, huh?

Who am I kidding?

♪ I know too well that I'm just wasting precious time

♪ In thinking such a thing could be

♪ That you could ever care for me

♪ I'm sure you hate to hear that I adore you, dear

♪ But grant me, just the same

♪ I'm not entirely to blame

♪ For you'd be so easy to love

♪ So easy to idolise

♪ All others above

♪ So sweet to awaken with

♪ So nice to sit down to eggs and bacon with

♪ We'd be so grand at the game

♪ So carefree together

♪ That it does seem a shame

♪ That you can't see

♪ Your future with me

♪ Cos you'd be oh, so easy to love

♪ So worth the yearning for

♪ So swell to keep every home fire burning for

♪ Oh, how we'd bloom, how we'd thrive

♪ In a cottage for two, or even three, four, or five

♪ So try to see

♪ Your future with me

♪ Cos you'd be oh, so easy to love. ♪

APPLAUSE

Billy, this is all wrong.

I'm marrying Evelyn.

Nothing can change that.

YOU can change that.

All you have to do is say...

No!

If you don't leave me alone, I'll make a scene.

You love me, Hope.

You're going to marry me.

♪ We'd be so grand at the game

♪ So carefree together

♪ That it does seem a shame

♪ Cos you'd be oh, so easy to love. ♪

APPLAUSE

♪ I want to row on the crew, Mama

♪ That's the thing I want to do, Mama

♪ To be known throughout Yale as I walk about it

♪ Get a boil on my tail and then talk about it... ♪

Operator, get me stateroom 1616, Mrs Evangeline Harcourt.

Evangeline, it's Eli.

Eli Whitney.

Listen, I just had a swell idea.

I'm all alone down here, and you're all alone up there.

At least, I hope you are.

HE CHUCKLES

So what? Who cares what time it is, my turtle dove?

I think of you, and time stands still.

Why, your face alone would stop a clock.

Hello?

Must be on her way!

♪ I'd like to be a big bloke, Mama

♪ And learn that new Argentine stroke, Mama

♪ You'll see your slim son

♪ Putting crimps in the crimson

♪ When I row on the varsity crew. ♪

Would you listen to that squawking? MOONIE: Yeah.

How do I look, Moonie?

Where do you think you're going?

The boiler room. A certain sailor is going to show me

the finer points of stoking.

Oh, please, you're going nowhere.

With your big mouth, you could land us both in Sing-Sing.

Sit down, we're going to play cards.

I don't want to play cards. Hey, Erma, sit down.

KNOCK AT DOOR Yeah? Who is it?

It's me, Billy.

Oh, that's the kid.

One moment, my son, we're saying our prayers.

Say the prayers. Say the prayers!

Art's father, who art in heaven.

Halloween's my name.

The kingfish come, de-dum-de-dum,

on Earth as in New Haven!

Come in, my son, come in.

Amen.

And bless you, my child, yeah.

What? You seem troubled.

Oh, I've got to lay low for a while.

I don't think the Purser believes I'm Murray Hill Cleaners.

Well, maybe I can assist you in some way.

I don't think a minister can help me, Doc.

The girl I'm in love with is going to marry another guy.

Yeah? Well, I could kill the other guy.

♪ When I row on the Varsity crew. ♪

That's my boss! If he sees me on this ship, I'm dead!

Yeah? Well, I bet he couldn't see you if I swiped his glasses.

I don't know what church you belong to, Doc,

but you're one hell of a Christian.

Watch me go.

KNOCK AT DOOR

One moment, my pet.

The game's afoot.

Entre-vouz, mon petit cabbage.

Oh, my dear, you look ravishing.

Yeah, I think I need a shave myself.

What?!

What the hell?

Padre! What are you doing here?

I've come to take up the collection.

I thought you did that in the chapel.

Why, are you planning to attend chapel?

Yeah, well, no.

Then pony up, or I'll come back in the morning

when you're nursing your hangover.

Look at that, that's funny, I seem to be wearing someone else's hat.

Can you read the initials in there?

Achoo!

Bless you. No, bless you.

Where are my glasses?

Are you sure you had them on when you barged in here?

What? This is my stateroom!

Then what am I doing in here?

I've never been so insulted in all my life!

Yeah, so I stole his glasses.

Now we're going to be OK as long as the captain doesn't show up.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it? The captain.

Oh! One moment, please.

Quick, hide him, hide him.

One moment, thank you.

Yeah, come in.

And that, my dear, is how Goliath slayed Moses and the whale.

Amen. Sorry to disturb you, Doctor, but does a Mr Murray Hill Cleaners

occupy this cabin?

No, not very often. Why? Is something wrong?

We've had a radiogram from Washington.

The man you're travelling with is not Murray Hill Cleaners.

He's Snake Eyes Johnson.

Public enemy number one.

Public enemy number one! Wow, Santa Claus-a.

Don't worry, Doctor, my men can handle him.

If he does turn up, just give a shout.

BOTH SHOUT

Just practising.

BOTH SHOUT

Get him out. Get him out.

Stop me if I'm out of line, Doc,

but I don't think you're really a minister.

OK, kid, I'm going to level with you. All right?

I'm not really a minister.

I'm Moonface Martin.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT The famous gangster.

Yeah, public enemy number 13.

SARCASTICALLY: Help. Police.

Shut it, Erma.

Hey, hey, hey! You're not going to turn me in, are you?

Doc, relax, we're pals. Then where you going?

Well, I've got a wedding to bust up. No, you can't go out there.

The captain thinks you're Snake Eyes Johnson.

Hey, what I need is a disguise.

Oh, yeah, what? Like a gorilla suit or a suit of armour or something?

Or a sailor suit. Yeah. You want a sailor suit?

No problem.

BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS

Hey...

CONVERSATION FADES OUT

♪ A sailor's life is supposed to be

♪ A hell of a lot of fun

♪ Yes, but when you're a sailor

♪ Take it from me

♪ You work like a son of a gun

♪ They give us jobs of every kind

♪ And chores of every sort

♪ But sweat away, sailor, you don't mind

ALL: # Cos you know when you hit port

♪ There will always be a lady fair

♪ A Jenny fair or a Sadie fair

♪ There will always be a lady fair

♪ Who's waiting there for you

♪ There will always be a lady fair

♪ To smooth your troubles and to muss your hair

♪ There will always be a lady fair

♪ Who's waiting there for you... ♪

Hello, boys! Hey! How is it going?

Ooh!

ERMA LAUGHS

Ooh! Come.

♪ There will always be a girl's caress

♪ To change your answer from a no to yes

♪ There will always be a lady fair

♪ Who's waiting there for you

♪ Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam

♪ Bam-bam bam-bam

♪ Bam-bam-bam bam-bam ba-ba bam-bam-bam

♪ Bam-bam bam-bam Bam-bam bam-bam

♪ Bam-bam bam-bam bam-bam. ♪

You're next.

Sailor? Yes, sir. Keep this quiet. He is public enemy number one.

We don't want to set off a panic amongst the passengers.

You check the foredeck and report to me on the bridge. Aye, aye, sir.

And remember, he is a master of disguise.

This is ridiculous. These pants must be six inches too short.

Yeah, I don't think Erma picked the guy for the length of his pants.

Pull! GUNSHOT

Don't shoot! I'm... Hallelujah the Lord.

Excuse me, sir, what was that noise?

That was the trapshooting contest. Crapshooting contest?

Skeet shooting, Doctor. Yeah. First prize is $100.

Whoa! Hey, can you use your own gun?

Of course. Yeah, see you later. Hey, wait a minute!

Ahem! Wait!

Pull! GUNSHOT

Miss!

Really, mother, we didn't lose all our money in the crash.

Why, if I changed my mind right now

and decided not to marry Evelyn, we'd be fine.

We would not be fine!

You too haven't quarrelled, have you?

Oh, dear!

I'm going to marry him, mother.

Everything will be all right. Oh, good.

Pull! GUNSHOT

Miss!

Pull! GUNSHOT

Miss! Pull! MACHINEGUN FIRES

EVERYONE SCREAMS

MOONFACE HUMS

Hey, hey, yeah!

Excuse me, ma'am, are you Mrs Evangeline Harcourt?

Why, yes. Oh, no. The captain has asked me to find you.

The ship has hit an iceberg.

SHE SCREAMS

Ssh!

All the lifeboats are leaking except one,

the captain is saving the last two places for you and your daughter.

Billy, this isn't fair. Who cares if it's fair?

The ship is sinking. I'm going to...

Oh, do I have time to go back for my jewellery?

Hurry, and remember, not a word to anyone.

I hope you're proud of yourself, Billy.

Now that you mention it, I am.

12 hours after you tell me to leave you alone forever,

I've got you all to myself.

Oops, sorry, madam.

Not quite all to yourself. Good morning, Mr Whitney.

Oh, hello, my dear. Yeah, I'm looking for a sailor.

Take a look at this one. Ah, now, I want to send a wire.

This goes to William Crocker, Whitney Building, New York City.

"Crocker, wire confirmation of amalgamated sale at once."

Got that? Mm-hm. Better have him read it back.

HIGH-PITCHED: "Crocker, wire confirmation

"of amalgamated sale at once."

You know, you remind me of somebody. Look out!

What was that? The biggest seagull I ever saw!

What?

Oh! Got to run! I'll see you later!

They've gone!

Oh, captain, thank God!

Where do I go?

Where would you like to go?

The lifeboat. Oh, the lifeboat drill is tomorrow morning, madam.

But the sailor told us... Told you what?

That the ship is sinking.

What?! A joke, ladies and gentlemen.

She's only joshing. HE CHUCKLES

I suggest you have a little talk with the ship's doctor, madam.

And in the meantime, stay out of the bar.

Go on, go on, just do what I told you. But what if it's...?

Excuse me, Father. Yeah? Can I assist you in some way, my son?

Brother Luke has been playing cards... Mm-hm.

Look. Yeah, that's the wages of sin.

For shame, go hail a few Marys, will you?

So, you've been playing cards, yeah? LUKE CHUCKLES

Can you shoot craps?

No. Kneel, Christian. Watch closely.

Right, put up your money. I've put up my money.

I throw a number.

If I throw the same number before I throw a seven, I win.

If not, you win.

Bah!

Craps! I win.

JOHN AND LUKE LAUGH

There's something wrong here.

Hey, thanks a lot. Yeah, don't mention it. What did I do?

You walked out on me.

I nearly got nailed by my boss,

and everyone's pointing at me in this stupid disguise.

Don't knock the disguise! Come on, it's practically as good as mine.

Hey, Billy, how you doing? Uh-huh...

Moonface Martin, long time, no see!

Reno, quiet! OK, quiet!

You don't know me. I'm a hunted man.

Oh, there he is! Don't shoot!

I'm flying fish, there go the flying fish. My God.

Dr, have you seen Mr Cleaners? Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I think I saw him going into the mizzen mast.

We don't have a mizzen mast. Yeah, must have been someone else.

Sailor, come with me. I want you to help me find someone.

Aye, aye, sir.

Who's he looking for? He's looking for Billy.

Billy ought to be a big help to him.

What-ho! It's Reno Sweeney. I say, Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

Might I have your autograph?

Why not? Do you know, I spent the most smashing night in your club.

Lawdy lawdy! Saints preserve us!

Your singing stirred me into a frenzy.

Had me dancing about like Bojingles.

Thank you.

"Are you drunk or crazy? Good luck, Reno Sweeney."

Oh, I say, why don't we all have tea in my cabin?

I know that my fiance, Ms Harcourt, would love to meet you.

That's very sweet of you, but I'm afraid that...

Yeah, she'd love to. Oh, marvellous! Shall we say four o'clock?

Four o'clock? Four o'clock?

See you later...elevator.

Mooney, that's the tommy that's been making time with Billy's girl.

This is going to be like consorting with the enemy. Exactly.

Here's the plan, right, you get to his cabin

nice and early wearing something that slips off easy.

I bust in, I catch him tearing your clothes off,

and then we blackmail him into breaking off the engagement.

Moon! That's despicable. You don't like it?

I love it. Yeah, yeah.

Reno, we should have teamed up years ago.

We're two of a kind, all right. Partners.

Through thick or thin.

Night or day.

Right or wrong.

♪ If you're ever in a jam, here I am

♪ If you ever need a pal, I'm your gal

♪ If you ever feel so happy you land in jail, I'm your bail

BOTH: # It's friendship! Friendship!

♪ Just a perfect blendship

♪ When other friendships have been forgot

♪ Ours will still be hot!

♪ Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle dig-dig-dig!

I'm diggin' that.

♪ If you're ever down a well, ring my bell

♪ If you ever catch on fire, send a wire

♪ If you ever lose your teeth when you're out to dine

♪ Borrow mine

♪ It's friendship! Friendship!

♪ Just a perfect blendship

♪ When other friendships have ceased to gel

♪ Ours will still be swell!

♪ Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle hep-hep-hep!

Oh, I love that.

♪ If they ever black your eyes, put me wise

♪ If they ever cook your goose, turn me loose

♪ If they ever put a bullet through your brain

♪ I'll complain

♪ It's friendship! Friendship!

♪ Just a perfect blendship

♪ When other friendships go up in smoke

♪ Ours will still be oke!

♪ Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle goof-goof-goof!

Ooh, getting stuck now.

Ooh!

♪ If you ever lose your mind, I'll be kind

♪ Oh, baby!

♪ If you ever lose your shirt, I'll be hurt

♪ If you're ever in a mill and get sawed in half

♪ Ha! I won't laugh

♪ It's friendship! Friendship!

♪ Just a perfect blendship

♪ When other friendships have been forgate

♪ Ours will still be great! ♪

♪ Lahdle-ahdle-ahd...

You just cut me loudly.

What's going on here?

♪ If they ever crack your spine, drop a line

MOONFACE WHISTLES

♪ If they ever cut your throat, write a note

Hey!

♪ If they ever make a cannibal stew of you

♪ Invite me too! MOONFACE WHISTLES

♪ It's friendship! Friendship!

♪ Just a perfect blendship

♪ When other friendships are up the crick

♪ Ours will still be slick!

♪ Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle... Quack-quack-quack!

No, it's not... Yeah, it's quack.

No, we decided not to do... Always been quack.

Well, yes... Read it then. Read it. Read the lyrics.

They're in the lyrics there. "Quack-quack-quack" No...

No, you're... I don't know, were supposed to be partners.

Yeah, we are partners. And you threw me off there.

Just for the moment, just for the song, OK?

I thought that we were... What's your problem?

What?

Oh, yeah. I forgot about them.

Hi.

What are you waving for? I don't know. They...

I just thought I'd... We're supposed to be at sea.

Look, we've got to come up with a big ending, OK?

I don't like the look of the crowd.

OK. Let's go for it.

OK.

No, I need another breath.

OK, you ready? Oh, yes. Please.

♪ When other friendships have been forgot

♪ Ours will still be hot! ♪

Yeah. No, just a few.

Come on, get it right! I'm just...

How many awards do you get if you get it wrong? I'm just putting...

I don't understand. Put your arms... Why are you pushing me?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think we got them.

You think? Yeah, we got them. It's okay. I feel good now.

They're back on our side.

Hey!

Come on, you know...

Whoa.

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

♪ Kiss me pretty wench

♪ In English or in French

♪ Bon voyage, bon voyage. ♪

KNOCK AT DOOR Ah, come in!

Did you ring, sir? Yes. You might bring me my tea, please.

And step in it.

I'm sorry, sir? Oh, I mean sit on it.

Sir? Oh, gosh. Just bring it right away, will you? Oh, yes, sir.

I'll step ON it.

Step on it?

It makes no sense at all.

KNOCK AT DOOR Ah, come in.

Gosh, I say, you Yanks are fast.

Um, just put it on the bed, will you?

I really wanted it before I started to dress.

I do hope that it's good and hot. Nobody's complained yet.

Oh, dear me!

I say, I thought you were the man with my tea.

Well, what were you going to do if it was cold? Cut off his head?

Oh, you mean Excalibur. Old family heirloom.

Mother Harcourt wants me to wear it for the wedding.

You know, it's odd,

but the old dear's as taken with things English

as I am with things American.

Well, I'm glad you feel that way,

because this American certainly feels gaga about you.

Gaga? I'm not sure I follow.

Does this make it any clearer?

Oh, marvellous.

"To feel gaga about a person means to rub his neck."

No, you don't understand. I mean, you do things to me.

Do things to you?

I mean, you send me... Send you where?

One look at you and I get hot pants.

Oh, dear me. Would a bit of ice do any good?

Evie, "hot pants" means that I'm crazy about you.

"Hot pants means that you're crazy about me."

Oh, smashing.

Because I think you're the absolute rat's pyjamas. Ha!

Oh. Oh, I say, um...

Is something funny?

Yeah, but it's also kind of cute. OK, what's going on in here?!

Aha!

So, this is what I find, huh? Oh, you beast.

You animal, you despoiling of innocent girlhood.

Look at this poor child. Look at her.

Her clothes torn off by your fiendish attack.

Standing there in all her nakedness.

There's something wrong here.

There's nothing wrong here. Just hold on a minute, Moonface.

No, do you think your girlfriend's going to marry you after this?

And don't think she won't know, because I am going to tell her.

Oh, do, do.

Only make it a bit thicker, she does complain that I lack fervour.

Hang on, buster, you've got the wrong attitude here.

You're talking to a very dangerous man. Oh, go on, Padre.

You're an old sweetheart, and you know it!

OK, I'm going to prove to you how dangerous I am, OK?

I'll show you.

Yeah.

Do you mind waiting here? I won't be long.

You know, I have noticed that these clergy sometimes go a bit off.

Oh, Evie, there's something I've got to tell you.

This was a set-up.

A set-up? We were going to frame you.

Frame me? He was supposed to bust in and catch us in a...

Clinch!

Oh, I say.

You mean, he thought I was going to make love to you?

That was the idea.

Oh, that is exciting!

You mean to say that he thought that you and...? OK, right!

Does this prove how serious this is? Moon, are you nuts?

Put that thing down. No. Put it down!

No! Down! Ooh!

It's all right, Padre.

You thought that I'd take advantage of Miss Sweeney here,

and you came to her rescue.

And I admire you for it. I really admire you enormously.

Ooh, what's the expression?

Oh!

I've got hot pants for you!

You come any closer and I'll shoot!

BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKS

I'm so sorry!

Evening, folks! I trust you're enjoying the crossing.

This is the dullest passenger list I've ever seen.

There's nobody on board but nobodies. No celebrities.

I want celebrities! Oh, well, um, how about...

..Gertrude Ederle? The Channel swimmer?

Is she onboard? Not exactly, but there she goes.

Well, I never! What does he take us for?

It's like crossing on a tug boat.

Next time, I'm booking with Cunard.

What does Hope see in that guy?

Hey, it must be her mother.

Yeah. She's the one behind all this. Hey, I could shoot the mother.

Moon! No, OK, I got another plan.

Yeah, well, I hope it's better than the last one.

Any sign of that criminal yet, men? Not yet, sir.

Apprehend that man immediately. BOTH: Aye, aye, sir.

And if you see any celebrities, apprehend them too. Yes, sir.

Hey, did you hear that?

I gotta do something about this disguise. Whoa!

Stay out of the kitchen

or I'll put you on the menu.

Sailor, find out who this belongs to.

Aye-aye, sir.

Now, if only I had a beard or a phoney moustache.

Whoo!

Cheeky! Oh...

Where is that dog?

Now, now. They always find their way home.

His home is in Oyster Bay, Long Island.

Be calm, my dear.

Oh, you're a trembling fawn.

Here, have a snort.

I told you, Eli, liquor has never touched my lips.

You know a shortcut?

Cheeky! Come here, doggie.

Cheeky! Oh, Evangeline.

Just look at the moon, huh?

This night was made for romance, my sweet.

Will you marry me?

I'm afraid I can't, sir. I'm already married. What?

But there is a lady round the corner looking for a dog...

Why don't you try her? Yeah. Um... Thank you.

You're welcome.

How does it feel...? Cheeky!

DOG BARKS

Quick, get rid of him! What do you do with a dog?

Just get rid of him. I know, I'll put him down here.

Stop. Stop, stop.

Oh, where is that dog?

Cheeky!

DOG BARKS

Agh!

Dear me. Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine now.

Oh, Captain! Captain, thank God!

I need your help.

What is it this time, madam?

I can't find my little Cheeky.

Why, it's right beside your little nosy!

SHE SOBS

DOG BARKS

Ohh! SPLASH

How could you do that?

Oh, relax. Dogs are good swimmers.

This way, men!

We'll check the library, then the ballroom.

He's got to be on board somewhere.

Ka-ta! Ka-ta!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Are you sure this is going to work?

Look, come on. Do you want me to take care of the mother or not?

Here she is.

COCKNEY ACCENT: Excuse me, miss.

We're from old London town.

And we're looking for Lord Evelyn Oakleigh. Do you know him?

I should say so. He's going to marry my daughter.

BOTH: Oh, no!

Is something wrong?

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

The man you think you know as Lord Evelyn Oakleigh

is, in reality, my brother.

Edna. Edna.

Your brother Edna? That's right.

His real name's Mona, but he changed it, you see,

cos he's a bit deranged, you know?

Several months ago, he escaped from the family suite at Bedlam.

You have a family suite at Bedlam? That's right.

I was driving him down to Savile Row for his new straitjacket

and suddenly, blinky-blonky, didn't half give me the slip, he did.

Who is this man?

Oh! My brother's keeper. Oh, dear me.

Oh, this is most upsetting.

It's all right. Don't worry. We know how to handle him.

Oh, yes. We have been through this a million times.

You mean this has happened before?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He marries 'em, murders 'em, marries 'em and murders 'em. Ohh!

Murders their mothers.

Ohh!

But he seemed so normal. No... They all say that!

She doesn't know the signs. The telltale signs.

The fatal signs. The fatal signs. What signs?

There's a certain phrase he uses. Just before he snaps.

Have you ever heard him say...? What-ho! BOTH: That's it!

Edna... Ssh! I mean, Evelyn!

I've been looking everywhere for you, Mums.

I say, how do you like it?

Agh! Jesus Christ!

Dear me, is she all right? She's all right. She's just playing dead.

Oh, my God, Mother! Mother! Billy, what have you done?

Hope, I can explain everything.

You just don't know when to stop, do you, Billy?

His name isn't Billy, dear. It's Evelyn.

And Evelyn isn't Evelyn.

He's Edna.

And Edna's really Mona. I'll show you who he is!

It's him! Hey, he's getting away!

Come on, after him!

Evelyn, will you please take Mrs Harcourt back to her cabin?

Right-ho. Oh, dear me. What else can go wrong?

There, there, Mums. Cheer up.

Woof! Woof! Oh...

Cheeky!

How long are you going to keep up this ridiculous act?

I beg your pardon? You're in love with him.

Why don't you just admit it? I really don't think that this is...

He may want you now, but he's not going to stick around for ever.

Half the women in New York are crazy about him.

Why, just the other night, one of the best-looking dames I know

practically proposed to him. She did? Well, who was she?

Me.

SHE SOBS

Oh, I'm sorry. Forgive me.

I just can't help it.

Eh?

SHOUTS: I said, I just can't help it!

Oh, if only I'd have told him how I really feel...

How's that?

I'm crazy about him.

Eh?

SHOUTS: I said, I'm crazy about him!

This is tragic.

I've ruined my life! I've ruined his life!

I've ruined everything.

Oh, things don't look that bad to me.

♪ The night is young

♪ The skies are clear

♪ And if you wanna go walking, dear

♪ It's delightful

♪ It's delicious

♪ It's de-lovely

♪ I understand the reason why you're sentimental

♪ Cos so am I

♪ It's delightful

♪ It's delicious

♪ It's de-lovely

♪ You can tell at a glance

♪ What a swell night this is for romance

♪ You can hear dear Mother Nature murmuring low

♪ Let yourself go

♪ So please be sweet, my chickadee

♪ And when I kiss you just say to me

♪ It's delightful

♪ It's delicious

♪ It's delectable

♪ It's delirious

♪ It's dilemma

♪ It's de-limit

♪ It's deluxe, it's de-lovely

♪ I feel a sudden urge to sing

♪ The kind of ditty that invokes the spring

♪ So control your desire to curse

♪ While I crucify the verse

♪ This verse you've started seems to me

♪ The tinpantithesis of melody

♪ So spare me please the pain

♪ Just skip the damn thing

♪ And sing the refrain

♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi

♪ Re-re-re-re

♪ Do, sol, mi, do, la, si

♪ The night is young The skies are clear

♪ And if you want to go walking, dear

♪ It's delightful

♪ It's delicious

♪ It's de-lovely

♪ I understand the reason why you're sentimental

♪ Cos so am I

♪ It's delightful

♪ It's delicious

♪ It's de-lovely

♪ You can tell at a glance

♪ What a swell night this is for romance

♪ You can hear dear Mother Nature murmuring low

BOTH: # Let yourself go

♪ So please be sweet, my chickadee

♪ And when I kiss you just say to me

♪ It's divine, dear

♪ It's diveen, dear

♪ It's de-wunderbar

♪ It's de-victory

♪ It's de vallop, it's de vinner It's de voiks

♪ It's de-lovely

♪ So please be sweet

♪ My chickadee

♪ And when I kiss you just say to me

♪ It's delightful

♪ It's delicious

♪ It's de-lovely... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hope!

Oh, Hope!

My God, Mother!

Oh, Hope, there you are!

Cable from Claridge's.

Do we want cognac or Cointreau in the wedding cake?

The wedding cake? Of course.

I'll have to find out what the groom wants.

Well, cognac, Cointreau...

Whatever makes you happy, Mom.

Mom? Billy, stop it.

No, you're right, you're right. No more kidding around.

Mrs Harcourt, Hope has something she needs to tell you.

Honey, you're on. Honey?

Hope, what's this all about?

Go on, tell her, baby. The world won't end. I can't.

All right, I'll tell her. No! Look, Hope, I understand how hard this is

for you, but you have choose. I say!

Anyone have hot pants for a game of shuffleboard?

Captain, it's him! Don't just stand there!

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

We've got him, ladies and gentlemen, no cause for alarm.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the man we've just arrested

is Snake Eyes Johnson,

public enemy number one.

ALL: Ooh!

Take him away, men.

ALL: Aw...

You idiot! Release that man! ALL: Yay!

But I thought you wanted him clapped in irons? Clapped in irons?!

A celebrity like Snake Eyes Johnson?

Let me get this straight.

If I'm just a stowaway, you throw me in jail,

but if I'm a famous murderer, you roll out the red carpet?

You'll be my guest of honour at the captain's table.

Hang on, hang on! He's not the only famous gangster on this ship!

What do you mean, Doctor?

I'm not really a minister, you know. I'm...yeah!

I'm Moonface Martin, boo-hoo!

Yeah. I'm a public enemy too.

Public enemy number two? Um, yeah.

Moon! Shut it, Erma.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

it appears that we have not one but two famous criminals on board!

Let's make them feel at home!

EXCITED CHATTER

Oh, Mr Johnson, can I have your autograph?

Can I touch your trigger finger?

Did you ever kill anyone who looks like me?

Hey, baby, room for one more! Oh, what fun. Go on, darling.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

the honorary captain of the SS American.

Hip-hip... ALL: Hooray!

♪ Times have changed

♪ And we've often rewound the clock

♪ Since the Puritans got a shock

♪ When they landed on Plymouth Rock

♪ If today

♪ Any shock they should try to stem

♪ Instead of landing on Plymouth Rock

♪ Plymouth Rock would land on them

♪ In olden days, a glimpse of stocking

♪ Was looked on as something shocking

♪ But now, God knows, anything goes

♪ Good authors too who once knew better words

♪ Now only use four-letter words

♪ Writing prose, anything goes

♪ The world has gone mad today and good's bad today

♪ And black's white today and day's night today

♪ And most guys today that women prize today

♪ Are just silly gigolos

♪ And though I'm not a great romancer

♪ I know that you're bound to answer when I propose

♪ Anything goes... ♪

♪ Ba-ba-bam! ♪

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on!

Pow! Pow!

Mwah!

♪ ..When Grandmama, whose age is eighty

♪ In night clubs is getting matey with gigolos

♪ Anything goes

♪ When mothers pack and leave poor father

♪ Because they decide they'd rather be tennis pros

♪ Anything goes

♪ If driving fast cars you like If low bars you like

♪ If old hymns you like If bare limbs you like

♪ If Mae West you like Or me undressed you like

♪ Why, nobody will oppose

♪ When every night the set that's smart

♪ Is intruding in nudist parties in studios

♪ Anything goes

ALL: # The world has gone mad today And good's bad today

♪ And black's white today And day's night today

♪ When most guys today that women prize today

♪ Are just silly gigolos

♪ They think he's gangster number one

♪ So they've made him their favourite son

♪ And that goes to show

♪ Anything goes

♪ If saying your prayers you like If green pears you like

♪ If old chairs you like If back stairs you like

♪ If love affairs you like With young bears you like

♪ Why, nobody will oppose

♪ And though I'm not a great romancer

♪ I know that you're bound to answer when I propose

♪ Anything goes

♪ Anything, anything, anything

♪ Anything goes... Goes... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

INSTRUMENTAL: Anything Goes

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

♪ Tonight there's going to be some fun

♪ Some fun-o, some fun-o

♪ For Public Enemy Number One-o

♪ Our gallant captain has told the staff

♪ The staff-o, the staff-o

♪ It's time for killing the fatted calf

♪ And I'm throwing the party

♪ On behalf of Public Enemy Number One

♪ Public Enemy Number One-o

♪ Public Enemy Number One

♪ Thank thee for everything thou hast done

♪ Blessings on thee, thou noble chap

♪ For putting this boat of ours on the map

♪ Thank thee heartily, holy man

♪ For taking this liner American

♪ For henceforth we'll be crowded on every run

♪ Due to thee, Public Enemy Number One

♪ Amen... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know, you break your back to cheat and steal and kill,

and you wonder if it's all worth it.

Then something like this happens.

You're beautiful!

Let's go, girls, we've got a show to do.

So, how do you like the royal treatment, Snake Eyes?

Nice!

HE CHUCKLES

OTHERS CHUCKLE

Listen, kid, I just saw Hope. She's all broken up. Aw!

HE CHUCKLES

OTHERS CHUCKLE

Oh, tough guy, huh? Suppose I told you she wants to marry you.

You're kidding me. She said that? No.

SHE LAUGHS INSINCERELY

OTHERS LAUGH INSINCERELY

Come on, Billy, you know she's nuts about you.

She wants to marry you. She just hasn't got the guts to say so.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Sweeney's service is about to begin.

Last call for drinks before the service.

Hey, showtime, toots!

I would appreciate if you would cease addressing me as "toots",

and henceforth call me by my right name -

Mrs Moonface Martin!

Yeah.

M-M-Mwah!

R-R-Rargh! R-R-Rargh!

R-R-R... Rargh!

Rargh.

Let me guess - you performed the ceremony yourself?

Oh, God, it's not legal, is it?

Miss Sweeney's service will do you good, Eli.

You need to reform your ways.

What's the matter with my ways?

You proposed to a sailor!

I'm a lonely man, Evangeline.

Hey, Dudley, get a load of this.

My dear,

may I say you look like a million bucks!

Thanks, fellas. I'm touched.

Wah!

That's an expression.

Evelyn, I really don't feel up to this.

I want to go back to my cabin.

Don't be silly, darling.

Look, it's Snake Ears!

Evelyn, no! I say!

Mr Johnson! Mr Johnson.

Who am I?

AS JAMES CAGNEY: You dirty rat!

You dirty rat.

Noel Coward.

Oh, damn. Evelyn, stop it.

Hey, you want to make her happy, pal?

Do an imitation of me.

You can be very cruel.

That's how he got to be Number One.

Hope, wait. Come on.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the SS American is pleased to present

the world's most sensuous sermoniser,

Her High—Stepping Holiness,

Miss Reno Sweeney!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hush!

Brothers and sisters, we are here tonight to fight the Devil.

There's only one way to fight the Devil,

and that's in the open.

I want each of you to turn to his neighbour and say,

"Bless you, brother. Bless you, sister."

ALL: Bless you, brother. Bless you, sister.

There's only one way to send the Devil packing

and that's to confess your sins.

Who will be the first to speak out and say, "I'm a sinner"?

I'm a sinner!

ALL: Hallelujah! Thank you, sister. Who's next?

I'm a sinner.

ALL: Hallelujah! Who's next?

Go ahead, Eli.

Ahem. Well...

..there was a time when I drank.

Yeah? What time was that? Half an hour ago?

ALL: Hallelujah!

I'm cursed with sex appeal!

It's been my downfall.

She's not confessing. She is advertising.

ALL: Hallelujah!

Come on, get busy. Who will give us a real confession?

Um... I say,

may I have a go?

Speak up, brother, I want to hear this.

Um...

While I was visiting Singapore some time ago,

there was a girl named Plum Blossom

of whom I became extremely fond.

Eventually, we made a bit of unpremeditated whoopee

in the willows...

..and I enjoyed it very much.

HE EXHALES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I was worried about you, brother, but I feel much better now!

ALL: Hallelujah!

FANFARE PLAYS

Do you hear that playing?

ALL: Yes, I hear that playing.

Do you know who's playing?

ALL: No, who is that playing?

♪ It's Gabriel, Gabriel playing

♪ Gabriel, Gabriel saying

♪ Will you be ready to go

♪ When I blow my horn?

♪ Blow, Gabriel, blow

♪ Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow

♪ I've been a sinner I've been a scamp

♪ But now I'm willing to trim my lamp

♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow

♪ I was low, Gabriel, low

♪ Mighty low, Gabriel, low

♪ But now, since I have seen the light

♪ I'm good by day and I'm good by night

♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow

♪ Once I was cited for hell

♪ Once I was headed for hell

♪ But when I got to Satan's door

♪ I heard you blowing on your horn once more

♪ So I said, Satan, farewell

♪ And now I'm all ready to fly

♪ Yes, to fly higher and higher and higher

♪ Cos I've gone through brimstone and I've been through the fire

♪ And I've purged my soul and my heart too

♪ So climb up to the mountain top

♪ So start to blow, Gabriel, blow

♪ Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow

♪ I want to join your happy band

♪ And play all day in the promised land

♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow... ♪

OTHERS GASP

Come on, you scamps!

Get up, you sinners!

You're all too full of expensive dinners!

Stand up on your lazy feet and sing!

♪ Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow

♪ I've been a sinner I've been a scamp

♪ But now I'm willing to trim my lamp

♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow

♪ I was low, Gabriel, low

♪ Mighty low, Gabriel, low

♪ But now, since I have seen the light

♪ I'm good by day and I'm good by night

♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow

♪ Once I was headed foe hell

♪ Once I was headed for hell

♪ But when I got to Satan's door

♪ I heard you blowing on your horn once more

♪ So I said

♪ Satan, farewell

♪ And now I'm all ready to fly

♪ Yes, to fly higher and higher and higher

♪ Cos I've gone through brimstone and I've been through the fire

♪ And I've purged my soul and my heart too

♪ So climb up to the mountain top

♪ So go on and blow, Gabriel, blow

♪ Gabriel, blow, blow Blow that horn

♪ Blow that horn

♪ Gabriel, blow

♪ Blow that horn

♪ Gabriel, blow

♪ Blow that horn

♪ Gabriel, blow that horn

♪ Blow that horn, blow that horn

♪ Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel Gabriel, blow that horn

♪ But now, since I have seen the light

♪ I'm good by day and I'm good by night

♪ So blow, blow that horn

♪ Blow

♪ Come on and blow that horn

♪ Blow, blow, blow

♪ Blow that horn

♪ Gabriel, blow, blow Blow that horn

♪ I want to join your happy band

♪ And play all day in the promised land

♪ So blow, Gabriel, blow...

♪ Oh-oh-oh... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Hallelujah! They've seen the light.

INSTRUMENTAL CONTINUES

Wait a minute!

What about Snake Eyes?

We haven't heard his confession. Yeah!

OTHERS:

We want Snake Eyes!

All right, all right. You want a confession?

I'll give you a confession. Right!

Three weeks ago, I met a girl and I...

Well, I fell in love with her.

How did I show it?

I hounded her.

I embarrassed her.

I made her cry.

I'm sorry... Hope.

I just want you to be happy.

I'll never bother you again.

What's going on? He doesn't sound like Snake Eyes Johnson. I'm not.

I'm not a gangster. I'm just a broken-down broker.

Then he's a phoney! I want my money back.

They ought to give him the chair.

Purser, clap that man in irons! ALL: Yeah!

Get behind me, kid. We'll shoot our way out.

OTHERS SCREAM

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

There's something definitely wrong here.

EXCITED CHATTER

Captain?

Yes, madam?

Captain, is it true that you have the authority

to perform weddings on board this vessel?

It is, madam. Then I would like you to schedule one for 10am tomorrow.

These young people are eager to get married,

and they would like to do so

before anything else can go wrong.

Mother...

Better make that 9.30.

As you wish, madam.

♪ I first knew love's delight

♪ When, presto, out of the blue

♪ A dream appeared one night

♪ And whispered, how do you do?

♪ I knew I was tempting fate

♪ But I took it straight to my heart

♪ My fears were right

♪ And now we must part

♪ Goodbye, little dream, goodbye

♪ You made my romance sublime

♪ Now it's time to fly

♪ For the stars have fled from the heavens

♪ The moon's deserted the hill

♪ And the sultry breeze that sang in the trees

♪ Is suddenly strangely still

♪ It's done, little dream, it's done

♪ So bid me a fond farewell

♪ We both had our fun

♪ Was it Romeo or Juliet

♪ Who said, when about to die

♪ Love is not all peaches and cream?

♪ Little dream, goodbye... ♪

APPLAUSE

INSTRUMENTAL CONTINUES

OK, kid. Come on, take a card. Take a card, any card.

OK. Don't worry. I'll take one for you.

Now look at it.

OK. Don't worry. I'll look at it for you.

Now, don't tell me what it is.

I don't want to play cards. What do you want to do, shoot craps?

Yeah. I was thinking of shooting myself. Hey, come on, kid.

Aw, give me one good reason to live.

Oh... Cherry cheesecake.

A week ago, I was getting fitted for my first Brooks Brothers suit.

Now look where I am. Come on, this place ain't so bad.

Hey, were you ever in jail in Cicero?

I'm not talking about the new jail.

I'm talking about the old one.

Moon, please! My girl's getting married in the morning.

I'm never going to see her again. You know your problem, kid?

You got no philosophy. You know, life has taught me

to think more positive.

Like Dillinger once told me,

it's always the darkest before they turn on the lights.

You know, there's an old Australian bush song

that Melba used to sing.

A song that always cheered me when I was blue.

Even Melba said this bush song

was a helluva song to sing.

So be quiet whilst I render it for you...

♪ When your instinct tells you that disaster

♪ Is approaching you faster and faster

♪ Then be like the bluebird and sing

♪ Tweet tweet

♪ Tra-la, la-la, la-la

♪ When you know you're headed for the jailer

♪ Don't allow tour old face to look paler

♪ But be like the bluebird and sing

♪ Tweet-tweet

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la

♪ Be like the bluebird who never is blue

♪ For he knows from his upbringing what singing can do... ♪

HE WHISTLES CHEERILY

BIRDS TWEET

♪ Tra-la-la

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la

♪ Tra-la-la-la

♪ Tra-la, tra-la

♪ Tra-la-la

♪ Tra-la

♪ Be like the bluebird who never is blue

♪ For he knows from his upbringing what singing can do

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ And though by other birdies in the boughs

♪ He may be told that his efforts are perfectly lousy

♪ He sings on and on

♪ Till his troubles are through

♪ Tweet-tweet

♪ Tweet... ♪

BIRDS TWEET

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My, what a dump!

Irma! I've gotta talk fast. I've got a couple of sailors waiting for me.

They're gonna show me how to grease the hawsers.

What's going on up there?

Have you seen Hope? Yes. And let me tell you, kiddo,

you're well rid of that drip.

All she does is whine and cry

and stand around looking like Garbo in Camille.

Did she say anything about me? No.

But she did send you this note.

Hey, Moonie!

How about giving me your passports?

You ain't going to need them where you're going,

and I can sell them for a bundle. Yes, that's a good idea.

Come here, I want a little conversation with you.

By the way, Moon,

the new list of public enemies just came out.

You've been passed...by tooth decay!

SHE CHUCKLES

APPLAUSE

"Dearest darling.

"I love you so, but what good does love do

"when there is no hope?

"Love, Hope."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

♪ All through the night

♪ I delight in your love

♪ All through the night

♪ You're so close to me

♪ All through the night

♪ From a height far above

♪ You and your love bring me ecstasy

♪ When dawn comes to waken me

♪ You're never there at all

♪ I know you've forsaken me

♪ Till the shadows fall

♪ But then once again

♪ I can dream

♪ I've the right

♪ To be close to you

♪ All through the night

♪ I delight in your love

♪ All through the night

♪ You're so close to me

♪ All through the night

♪ From a height far above

♪ You and your love bring me ecstasy

♪ When dawn's overtaken us

♪ We'll sadly say goodbye

♪ Till dreams re-awaken us

♪ And the moon is high

♪ And then once again

♪ Will I know I was right

♪ Staying close to you

♪ All through the night

♪ Staying close to you

♪ All through the night... ♪

APPLAUSE

Moonlight, by Lord Evelyn Oakleigh.

A lonely figure walks the deck

The moonlight glancing off his beano

'Tis not the ship

'Tis he the wreck

His heart dashed on a girl named...

Miss Sweeney!

I say, you startled me.

Sorry. I couldn't sleep.

Nor I.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, Evie,

but this time, he's got even me stymied.

My two best friends are in the slam

and tomorrow morning...

Well, you know all about that.

Here's to the happy groom.

Oh...

Make that, here's to the groom.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Miss Sweeney, you see before you a man staggered by a revelation.

It hit me like a stone hammer in the middle of your service.

The woman I am destined to marry tomorrow

is not one and the same

with the woman I love.

You mean you're not in love with Hope?

That's great!

I mean, gee, it's a good thing you found out.

I mean, just in time, and everything.

Ah, there's the rub.

You know the Oakleigh family moto?

Nostrum fuglium sentorum. What does that mean?

No-one really knows.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

But we're not supposed to go around backing out of engagements.

Ah, well...

Adieu, Miss Sweeney.

You know, there's just one thing I can't figure.

That whoopee in the willows business

with Plum Blossom.

How does that fit in with nostrum fuglium whatever?

Goodness, this is most embarrassing.

Must I explain?

It's your motto.

Miss Sweeney, I've never told this to anyone before.

It's the Oakleigh family secret.

There's something wild and passionate in our souls.

In mine especially.

♪ Long, long ago

♪ So long ago I hardly know when

♪ My great-great-grandmother now and then

♪ Stepped out with a gypsy

♪ Of course you may say she was

♪ A little bit tipsy

♪ But tipsy, no, no

♪ Of their love there wasn't a doubt

♪ So I can't wait to get the stage all set

♪ So I can let the gypsy in me out

♪ Hiding away

♪ There's a little bit of gypsy in me

♪ That's never been found

♪ Waiting its day

♪ There's a little bit of gypsy in me

♪ Just hanging around

♪ Till that magical night

♪ When the stars by their light

♪ Bring mystery

♪ To the sleeping lagoon

♪ While the haunting guitar

♪ Not too near, not too far

♪ Gaily strums away, hums away

♪ A titillating tune

♪ When I'm there in that dream

♪ With the one in the world

♪ I worship passionately

♪ At the moment supreme

♪ Will be shown the unknown

♪ Gypsy in me

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah... ♪

SHE HOLDS A NOTE

♪ Ah-ah...

BOTH: # Ah-ah-ah-ah

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

♪ Ah-ah-ah

♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah-ah

♪ Ah! ♪

Ah!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

EXCITED CHATTER

All right, you two, get in there and behave yourselves. Hey, hey!

What's going on here?

You'll only be in for an hour.

They cleaned out third class playing craps.

Some folks are pretty hot about it.

What about us? When are we getting out? I know this would happen!

I hope you're satisfied! Hey, hey, hey! You know you're problem, kid?

You got no philosophy.

There's an old Australian bush song... Would you forget about that?

What time is it?

Half past. Half past what?

I don't know. I lost the little hand.

The wedding starts at 9.30. We gotta get out of here.

Hey, you bums! Reno! Boys, I've got fabulous news,

the greatest thing that can happen to a person just happened to me!

You got parole? No, she's in love!

And what's more, Evelyn is in love with me.

What? That's great.

In fact, it's perfect. Yeah. That's right, cos Reno gets to marry

Evelyn, and Billy gets to marry Hope!

That only leaves one little problem. BOTH: What's that?

How do I put this? Let me out!

Reno, we've got to think of something.

Yeah, if only we were them. Them? Yeah, they get out in an hour.

Hey, guys!

That's a couple of fancy outfits you're wearing there.

Thanks, old buddy.

I have to say, I like the look of your duds too.

Yeah? You wouldn't fancy a little swap?

Clothes make the man!

LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

EXCITED CHATTER

Now, what? Guys...

Oh, come on!

APPLAUSE

Oh...

HE GASPS

Erma, you're beautiful. And talented.

Make an honest man of me, Erma.

Marry me. No, marry me!

THEY ARGUE

Hey, fellas.

Getting married's for the birds.

Who needs it?

OTHERS: We do!

Yeah?

♪ Buddie, beware

♪ Buddie better take care

♪ Though at heart, I'm a pearl

♪ I'm a difficult girl

♪ So, Buddie, beware

♪ When I go to a show

♪ I prefer the first row

♪ When invited to dine

♪ I can't eat without wine

♪ So, Buddie, beware

♪ During Christmas holidays

♪ I develop taking ways

♪ And I'm not at all anti

♪ Pretty things Santy

♪ Brings from Cartier's

♪ Your devotion I prize

♪ But you must realise, my boy

♪ Other girls' luxuries

♪ Are my necessities

♪ So, Buddie, beware... ♪

Oh!

♪ ..I must warn you that I am simply never on time

♪ So, Buddie, beware... ♪

Let me down!

♪ ..Somehow I don't feel nice when I wear a dress twice

♪ So, Buddie, beware... ♪

I see London, I see France,

I know all about your underpants!

THEY WOBBLE THEIR CHEEKS

Hello!

♪ ..Buddie, beware

♪ La-la-la-la

♪ Mother, take care

♪ Since the day I was weaned

♪ I'm a caviar fiend

♪ So, Buddie, beware

♪ I feel I should put you right

♪ As I lie in bed at night

♪ While the twinkling stars dream on

♪ With my cold cream on

♪ I'm a lovely sight

♪ And another thing too

♪ When I'm married to you, my sweet

♪ Ohh...

♪ If to come home you fail

♪ I'll open all your mail

♪ So, Buddie, beware...

♪ Whoo-ee! ♪

SHE LAUGHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

UPBEAT ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here together over the bodies... Oh!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

We are assembled here to join together

in the bonds of holy matrimony this young man...

Cease and desist!

BOTH: Cease and desist!

Good Lord, what is this?

My colleague and I are barristers

from the firm of Treacle, Treacle & Custard,

with offices in New York, London and Singapore.

We demand a hearing on behalf of our distinguished clients.

Distinguished clients?

Permit me to explain.

My clients have just come completed an extensive peregrination

in order to confirm most urgently

with this English gentleman.

It appears we have arrived in, as it were, the nick of time!

I'm afraid if you've come in reference to my Hong Kong interests,

you've chosen a bad moment. I'm about to be married.

The marriage is impossible. Impossible?

What on earth do you mean?

Allow me to introduce the mortified father of little Plum Blossom.

And who is little Plum Blossom?

Yes, who is little Plum Blossom?

This is little Plum Blossom.

I'm not sure I follow this.

Lord Evelyn took Plum Blossom to a willow grove

and returned with a Plum tart.

Dear me! Is this really true?

I'm afraid so. Evelyn, is this woman really... Plum tart Blossom?

I can't really say.

It all happened so long ago.

Oh, good Lord!

Apologies to one and all. But under the circumstances,

I don't see how I can possibly marry Miss Harcourt.

Don't be ridiculous. All these people want is money.

I'll give you $1,000 to clear out.

We'll take it. Do not insult our clients

with an offer of filthy money!

I'll make it $2,000! You cannot buy the honour.

I'll make it $5,000!

Yeah, yeah, honour sold.

No, Mr Whitney, don't pay him.

No amount of money can undo this great wrong.

You, sir, you are related to little Plum Blossom?

Like an O'Neill drama to Whistler's mom.

Then the only way to repay this debt of honour, Evelyn,

is for you to offer him...me!

No!

Oh, I say! What a marvellous idea!

Offer accepted! Congratulations, old boy.

You're getting quite a girl. What about the five grand?

Say, why does the English gentleman not join the club

and right the wrong done to poor Plum Blossom?

Right the wrong done to poor Plum...? Oh, I say.

HE CHUCKLES

Well, confound it, why not?

Now, look here,

Plum Blossom.

Will you marry me?

Oh, sweetie, I thought you'd never ask!

Why, Mother, what's the matter?

What's the matter?

We're poor again!

I shall have to spend the rest of my life

living in hotels...

Like hell you will!

Marry me, Evangeline!

Say yes, and spend the rest of your life in the lap of luxury.

Why, after that amalgamated deal,

I'm so damn rich I could buy this tub

and turn it into a private yacht for you.

Eli! My saviour!

My knight in shining armour!

Ah, Mr Whitney... Uh?

Oh, thank you, Crocker.

Yes, sir. Crocker!

How the hell did you get on board?

I have a confession to make.

I never made it to the Stock Exchange.

I stowed away aboard this ship.

I never sold those amalgamated shares.

You never sold the shares? You never sold the shares?!

That means I'm ruined!

Ruined!

Oh, I'm sorry, boss.

Oh, well, at least I have someone to comfort me

in my misfortune.

Well... Mr Whitney! Mr Whitney, urgent cable from New York, sir.

Amalgamated just went through the roof.

You're a zillionaire.

Eli!

How do you do it, boss?

How? Brains, guts and the world's finest education.

♪ Bulldog, bulldog, bow-wow-wow

♪ Eli Yale! ♪

Speaking of dogs, does this belong to anyone?

Cheeky! Oh-oh-oh!

Where have you been?

We found him in the swimming pool.

And what was he doing in the swimming pool?

ALL: The dog paddle!

All right, Captain, let's get on with it.

You've got some weddings to perform here. Yeah, come on, Cap.

I've been waiting all my life to be a lady. Yeah, step in it.

♪ We settle down as man and wife

♪ To solve the riddle called Married life

♪ It's delightful It's delicious

♪ It's de-lovely

♪ It feels so fine to be a bride

♪ And who's the groom?

♪ Why, he's slightly fried It's delightful

♪ It's delicious

♪ It's de-lovely

♪ To the pop of champagne

♪ Off we hop in our plush little plane

♪ Till a bright light through the darkness cosily calls

♪ Niagara Falls!

♪ All's well, my love Our day's complete

♪ And what a beautiful bridal suite

♪ It's delightful It's delicious

♪ It's delectable It's delirious

♪ It's dilemma It's de limit

♪ It's deluxe It's de-lovely

♪ All is right as can be

♪ Till one night at your window you see

♪ An absurd bird with a bundle hung from his nose

♪ Get baby clothes

ALL: # Anything goes

♪ And though I'm not a great romancer

♪ I know that you're bound to answer when I propose

♪ Anything goes

♪ Anything, anything Anything goes

♪ Goes... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

INSTRUMENTAL: Anything Goes

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME

CHEERING

CHEERING INTENSIFIES

CHEERING

CHEERING INTENSIFIES

CHEERING INTENSIFIES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE