All language subtitles for Police.Squad.S01E01.

MALE NARRATOR: Police Squad! In color.

Starring Leslie Nielsen.

Also starring Alan North.

And Rex Hamilton
as Abraham Lincoln.

Tonight's special guest star,
Lorne Greene.

Tonight's episode,
The Broken Promise.

JIM: Sally, I just can't
cover up for you anymore.

I'm in this thing
way too deep already.

Oh, not as deep as I am.

Oh, honey, please, my orthodontist is
getting anxious. He wants his money.

Well, tell him you haven't got it.
What can he do?

What can he do? He'd beat up his
own mother when it comes to money.

Oh, Jim, please, you gotta go along
with me or I'm in serious trouble.

I'm sorry, Sally.

Please, I only need
a couple more days.

By then,
the rubber bands will be off.

Yeah, sure, then next week you'll
need a retainer. There's no end to it.

Jim, please, one more visit.

Just for tightening.

Sally, I'm sorry.
This is it. End of the line.

(SIGHING)
All right.

I'll think of something.
I've got to.

Look, Sally,
you know I'd like to help you,

but with the auditors coming in,
I've got to balance the books.

(DOORBELL JINGLES)

Good afternoon, sir.
May I help you?

I'd like to cash this check.

Payroll check?

Yes, I'm with
the Lerman tire company.

At least I used to be.
I just got laid off today.

JIM: Well, since this is
your first time here,

can I see some
identification, uh, Mr. Twice?

Yeah, sure.
Here's my driver's license.

Do you have
two major credit cards?

Uh, thumbprint here, please.

Now stand on that line and
look directly into the camera.

(CAMERA CLICKS)
Thank you.

Now look to your left and cough.

(COUGHS)

And again.

(COUGHS)

Now, spread your toes, please.

And the other foot.

Thank you.
Come and see us anytime, Mr. Twice.

Thanks.

(GUN FIRING)

Sally!

(GUN FIRING)

Sally!

(SCREAMING)

DREBIN: My name is
Sergeant Frank Drebin,

Detective Lieutenant,
Police Squad,

a special detail
of the police department.

There'd been a recent wave
of gorgeous fashion models

found naked and unconscious in
Laundromats on the West Side.

Unfortunately,
I was assigned to investigate

holdups at neighborhood
credit unions.

I was across town
doing my laundry

when I heard their call
on the double killing.

It took me 20 minutes
to get there.

My boss was already
on the scene.

(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)

An attempted holdup, Frank.
Cashier's the only witness.

According to her,
the gunman shot the teller,

she grabbed the gun
and shot the holdup man.

It's the same M.O.
as the others.

It could be, but this one
has an interesting wrinkle.

The gunman, Twice,
is a good family man with no prior record.

Could I talk to her?
Sure.

This is Sally Decker, Frank.

Hello, Miss Decker.
Hello.

I'm Captain Frank Drebin.

I understand you've had
a pretty rough time.

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

Cigarette?
Yes, I know.

Well.

Do you feel up to any questions?
I'll try.

Where were you
when all this happened?

I was right here
at my desk, working.

And when was the first time you
noticed something was wrong?

Well, when I first heard the
shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.

Uh, he's the teller, Frank.

What, Jim Fell's the teller?
No, Jim Johnson.

Who's Jim Fell?

Oh, he's the auditor, Frank.

He had the flu,
so Jim filled in.

Phil who?

(CRYING) Phil Din.
He's the night watchman, Frank.

If only, Phil, had been here.

Now wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.

Twice came in and shot
the teller and Jim fell.

No, he only shot the teller, Jim Johnson.
Fell is ill.

Okay, then after he shot the
teller, you shot Twice.

No, I only shot once.

Twice is the holdup man.

Then I guess, I did shoot Twice.

Oh, so now you're
changing your story.

No, I shot Twice after Jim fell.

You shot Twice and Jim Fell?

No, Jim fell first,
and then I shot Twice once.

Who fired twice?
Once.

He's the owner of the tire
company, Frank.

Okay.

Wunce is the owner of the tire
company and he fired Twice.

Then, Twice shot the teller once.
Twice.

And Jim fell and then
you fired twice. Once.

Mmm.

Okay, all right,
that'll be all for now, Miss Decker.

Now, we'll need you to make a formal
statement down at the station.

Oh, of course.

(SALLY SIGHING)
You've been very helpful.

We think we know how he did it.

Oh, Howie couldn't have done it.

He hasn't been in for weeks.

Well.

Thank you again, Miss Decker.

(SALLY SOBBING)

Weeks?

Sol Weeks.
He's the controller, Frank.

DREBIN: Sally Decker
told a convincing story.

I thought she would make
a good witness

if the case ever came to trial.

But somehow,
something didn't sit right.

I drove back to Police Squad

to see what Homicide and
the lab boys had picked up.

So, Billy, when
the moisture in the air

comes in contact
with the cold pitcher,

it forms water droplets,

what we call
"condensation."

(WATER GURGLING)

Just like on your mother when
she gets out of the shower,

glistening
with tiny little beads of...

Oh, hi, Frank.

That'll be all for today, Billy.

Next week, we'll look into
some interesting experiments

we can do
with discarded swimwear.

Gee, thanks,
Mr. Olsen. Bye.

You come up with anything, Ted?

Well, we got
the coroner's report

on the depth of penetration of
the bullet in Jim Johnson's body.

If the holdup man had been
where Sally Decker said,

the bullet should have
penetrated deeper.

Let me show you what we did.

These guns are identical to the
one that killed Jim Johnson.

Watch carefully
as I test fire this gun

into these videotapes of
Barbara Walters interviews.

As you can see, it completely
destroys the Burt Reynolds interview.

And everything from...
from Bo Derek to Paul Newman.

But only up to the point where Barbra
asks him, "Is it difficult to love?"

Now let me show you what happens when
the gun is fired from three feet.

Which is the distance Sally
claimed the shots were fired from.

Notice?

Complete destruction.

Right up to the point where
she asked Katharine Hepburn

what kind of tree
she'd like to be.

DREBIN: Our next stop was a
neighborhood known as Little Italy.

A criminal investigation

seldom follows a straightforward,
clear-cut course.

This one was obviously
no exception.

I felt we had to talk
with Ralph Twice's widow

to see how much she knew.

Oh, please go away.

Please go away.

I don't want to answer
any more of your questions.

We're sorry to bother you at
a time like this, Mrs. Twice.

We would have come earlier,
but your husband wasn't dead then.

Oh, Ralph was such a good man.

Who could have done
such a horrible thing?

Did he owe any money?

Doctor bills?

Gambling debts?
Book-of-the-Month Club?

No, nothing.

Just two more payments
on our solar telescope.

Oh, poor Ralph.

Do you know what it's like

to be married to a
wonderful man for 14 years?

No, I can't say that I do.

I did, uh, live
with a guy once, though,

but that was just
for a couple of years.

Usual slurs, rumors, innuendos,
people didn't understand.

(CRYING) Oh!

Ran him out of town
like a common pigmy.

Did he have any enemies?

(SNIFFING) Well,
the Democrats didn't like him.

Sure, he was a physical education
major, but he had a mind.

He could think. He wasn't all
muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs.

He got married, you know,
later, had three kids.

Never cared for her.
Sent a nice gift, never got a note.

(SOBBING)

Now, I know this is a long shot,
but did he ever eat chop suey?

Why, no. No,
he never did.

It was just a hunch.

I told him she was wrong.

(SOBBING)

And that youngest boy,
just like his father, football hero.

Lived with him for a year.
It wasn't the same.

Can't go back.
Oh, poor Ralph.

And what about my daughter?
What am I gonna tell her?

Yeah, you're gonna have
to tell her something.

(MRS. TWICE SOBBING)

Tell her he went on a long trip.

Tell her...
Wait a minute.

How about a big monster came
and took him to Daddy Heaven?

Oh!

Nah.
What about this?

He threw himself on a grenade to
save the battalion? Yeah, that's it.

No, no, wait a minute. He was killed
by left wing insurgents from Paraguay.

No, Bolivia!

I got it. I got... He... He was
traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.

DREBIN: No further progress
was made in the next 10 hours.

The following morning,
I reported back to Police Squad.

About 10:00, Sally Decker
dictated a formal statement.

She said the holdup man had come in
once before, to extort protection money.

Something new?
Nothing.

Anything here?

Not until we get
the lab reports.

AL: I got them
right here, Chief.

Reports on our APB, negative.

R and I rundown
on Twice, negative.

Fingerprint identification,
negative.

Well, if he was crooked,
he sure had a lot of people fooled.

What about the final autopsy
report on Johnson and Twice?

They should rest in peace.

Yeah, anything unusual there?

Yeah, take a look at that
section on bullet penetration.

(PHONE RINGING)

Mmm, according to this,

the bullet canals in both
bodies took an upward course.

And they were standing
face to face.

Just a few feet apart.

Get me Pete Preussing
at Homicide.

Tell him I want to meet
him and a few of his men

down at the Acme Credit Union.

Right away, sir.

DREBIN: Now, Preussing,
move closer, slowly.

All right, that's it.

This is the approximate distance

the two men were apart
when the shots were fired.

Now, McBeen,
you're gonna be the teller.

Preussing, you're Ralph Twice.

The tape indicates the
path the bullet took.

All right.

Holdup man enters,
demands money and fires.

DREBIN: I spent most of the
afternoon trying to determine

the possible angles from which
the bullets might have been fired.

Reenactment of a crime in
this way can be a helpful tool

in a criminal investigation.

If the teller had his back turned
and then the gunman fired...

(GUNSHOT)
Hmm.

A ricochet.

(GUNSHOT)

(PHONE RINGING)

After several hours, I had some interesting
theories, but still nothing conclusive.

When my boss called,
I gave him the information,

but I knew
I needed more answers.

And I had an idea
of where I could get some.

(SIGHING)

What's the word
on the street, Johnny?

I don't know.

I hear a lot of things.
Pick a topic.

Do you know anything about the double
killings at the Acme Credit Union?

You're barking up the wrong
tree with this Ralph Twice.

He's a good family man
and makes a decent living.

Wasn't his fault he got
fired from the tire company.

But who could predict that Brazil
would cut off the rubber supply?

They're nationalizing the
industry in two weeks,

so he would have gotten
his job back anyway.

Now, Sally Decker,
that's another story.

She used to be Joe Surlow's girl

until she got involved
in the numbers.

Before you knew it,
she was up to her pretty little neck

in penny-ante bunko scams.

Where do I locate this Surlow?

He's working at this address.

Thanks, Johnny.

What do you know
about life after death?

I wouldn't know
anything about it.

You talking existential being

or anthropomorphic deity?

DREBIN: After taking care
of an urgent personal matter,

I proceeded directly to the
address that Johnny had given me.

It turned out to be one of
those all-night wicker places.

Surlow had done some time years
earlier for a minor offense.

He was one of those guys who had come
up through the school of hard knocks.

Eventually, he admitted that he and
Sally had been long-time acquaintances.

She had come to him recently

to ask for money
to pay off an oral debt.

The orthodontist
needed the money.

Surlow had done
what he could for her.

Fortunately,
he had remembered the dentist's name,

Dr. Robert Zubatsky.

Zubatsky's office was
located in Fox Point Heights.

A fashionable area of town
where foreign imports

and two-martini lunches
were the order of the day.

His clientele were the sons and
daughters of the privileged.

I decided it might be a good
time to have my teeth checked.

Mr. Drebin,
Dr. Zubatsky will see you now.

That's the second door
on your left, Mr. Drebin.

You're next, Carl.

As soon as this
impression is complete,

we'll know a lot more,
Mr. Drebin.

Are those x-rays ready,
Miss Frenzell?

Yes, Doctor.
Would you like to take a look?

Yes, I would.

(SUCTIONING)

(SUCTIONING)

(SUCTIONING)

All right, let's get
started, shall we?

(MUMBLES)

(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

Sally Decker? Sally Decker.
That name rings a bell.

No, I can't place it.

(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

Look, I'm telling
you, I don't know her.

(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

All right, I know her.
She was a patient of mine.

Her lower left quadrant was all messed
up, but so what?

(DENTIST CHOKING)

(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

Okay, okay, now, look, uh, she's a good...
good... good-looking dame.

We went out and had, uh, laughs,

a couple of drinks, but, uh,
uh, that's the whole story.

(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

Look, look, I... I don't need trouble.
I'll cooperate.

My God, you're an animal!

I am not an animal!

I am a human being!

DREBIN: Zubatsky's information
pointed in the same direction,

Sally Decker.

The pieces were now coming together,
but they still weren't enough.

We needed something more
for a conviction.

I stopped back at Police Squad
to set the trap.

When I got to the elevator,
my boss was already on the scene.

Any luck with the
dentist, Frank?

Sally paid him up in full, one day
after the double killing and theft.

(BELL DINGING)

How do you know that?

Went through his files.

Sally was seeing Zubatsky,
six years, maybe seven.

Eight times a year.

Always in arrears.
Then suddenly, 24 hours after the killing,

she's paid up in full.

(BELL DINGING)

Well, it looks like she's in this
thing up to her pretty little ears.

Was the, uh, dentist
cooperative?

Yeah, he gave us plenty of rope.

Now we have to see
if we can get Sally

to stick her head
into the noose.

Yeah.

SALLY: Hello?

Hello, Sally,
this is Dr. Zubatsky.

(ZUBATSKY'S VOICE)
I need to talk to you.

Sorry, B.Z.,
we're through.

I paid you in full.

I made an appointment
with another orthodontist.

That's right, Sally.
You did pay me.

I have the money right here.

Fresh from the mint, traceable.

You wanna talk?

Yeah, okay, you win.

Half an hour.

Corner of Cherry and Galena.

What was
the phony phone call about?

Just socializing.

Talked to our little
friend, Sally Decker.

Well, outside of the fact
that she paid off the dentist,

we still have no real proof
and no motive.

Well, I say dippin'
into the till for $1,200

is a pretty good motive.

Not enough, Frank.
We'll need more.

Don't worry.

I got a date with her.

Frank, one thing.

Now, if you're right,

she's already killed two men.

You'd better watch your step.

(SCREAMS)

Sergeant Drebin!

Hello, Sally,
you waiting for someone?

I was just about to leave.

Yeah, that's the trouble with doctors.
They always keep you waiting.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Come on over here and sit down.
I'll tell you.

I've been doing some checking
up, Sally, and it doesn't add up.

What do you mean, Lieutenant?

I don't think that
Twice shot Johnson.

I don't understand.
I was there when it happened.

I think that you took the
money, to pay your orthodontist.

Oh, Captain Drebin!
That just isn't true.

You knew it was
just a matter of time.

You knew that,
until the payoff was discovered.

But that's impossible.

I haven't ever been involved
in anything so heinous.

Yeah, that's right.

Sally Decker has no record.

But Sally was formerly
Babs Caltrane.

Notorious gunrunner in Memphis.

Only difference is,
Babs has red hair.

And before that, she was a
brunette hit man named Zazu Pitts.

And before that,
she sang backup for Aretha Franklin.

All right, Frank,

did your research
reveal that I did a stint

with the marines and reupped?

No, I can't say that it did.

(SALLY EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

Sally! Sally Decker!

This is the police.

You are surrounded.

Throw down your gun
and surrender.

You do not have a chance.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(GUN CLICKS)

All right, Sally,
you're under arrest.

Sergeant,
take her away and book her.

Sergeant Takeraway.

Sergeant Booker.

Well, that was some pretty
fancy police work, Frank.

I know you got Sally's
record from R and I,

but how did you know she
handled the loan office heist?

Just a little hunch
back at the office.

Thought so.

I brought that little
hunchback with me.

Charlie, come out here.
Charlie, good going.

Oh, hi, Frank.

Hi, Ed. Just got back
from the arraignment.

Sally Decker's,
gonna have to get her teeth straightened

in the Statesville Prison
from now on.

Good. And there'll be plenty
of time to do it, too.

Got something on the
side of your mouth, Al.

No, no, no, the other side.

You know, Frank, there's one
thing I still don't understand.

Now, how did you know
that the money

Sally gave to Dr. Zubatsky
wasn't traceable?

I didn't.
Yeah?

But neither did Sally.

MALE NARRATOR: Be sure to tune in
next week for another exciting story

from the files of Police Squad!