Original subtitles

[ Gulping loudly ]

Ahh!

What?

Nothing.

Just waiting for you to finish.

[ Belches ] The fuck you talking about?

It's all you can eat here! Dig in!

You said we were going somewhere awesome!

We did. [ Belches ]

Here. And we're still here.

C-Can't you guys see this for what it is --

bottomless pitchers of alien beer in a garden --

a beer garden!

No genocide within hearing distance.

[ Glass shatters ]

I mean, t-this is, to quote a movie I will never watch,

"As good as it gets."

It is?

That's...sad.

[ Choking ]

Oh, my God. Whatever you have to say is not this time-sensitive.

I can't believe you're making me pause to talk this much.

You guys, this is where sentience peaks.

This is not being chased and not chasing.

This is, uh, what spiritual types call --

I-I don't know, Vishnu's titty.

L-Latch on and gobble up.

Was that ad targeting Morty?

It didn't land over here.

[ Mouth full ]

We're happy you're happy, I guess.

So much -- [ Belches ]

So much yeast.

Yeah.

Everything you ate is designed to expand.

[ Belches ] Good point, Sum-Sum.

L-Let's get grandpa. new tum tum.

Not quite what I was pitching.

Did we -- We -- We drove here, right?

Yeah. Rick gave you his keys.

[ To tune of "Moon River" ] ♪ New stomach ♪

♪ Stomach that is new ♪

No, Grandpa,

we're not portaling -- Keys!

I'm looking! I'm looking!

[ Belches ]

Grandpa, slow down.

Why -- Why do we even bother driving anywhere?

[ Belching ] Hurry up, Morty.

No, Rick, get back over here!

Or what?

What?!

Or what?

W-What are you gonna do if I don't do what you say?

Travel Hitler?

I'm -- I'm the smartest living thing

[belches] in the carbon-based unisphere.

What's gonna happen to me if I refuse to --

[ Both screaming ]

[ Theme music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

So this place sells any body part?

I'd love to have thinner ankles.

Oh, G--

[ Screaming ] God!

[ Gasping ]

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

Of all the stupid...

Dicks.

Body AI: Tampering detected.

Dramatic. I barely touched you.

Initiating self-destruct.

What?!

This body has -- seven -- nuclear devices.

Please retreat to range of -- 14 miles.

Bitch, they can't make me run one mile.

[ Beeping ]

Fuck!

[ Beeping continues ]

Morty: This is not my fault!

How do I disable self-destruct?

S-She needs help with self-destruct.

Hey! No tampering!

Summer: Tell me what to do.

[ Groans ] Flip me over, back panel,

password Mortysuxx...

...with two X's.

[ Beeping continues ]

Body AI: Tear ducts -- on.

No. Ow!

Time zone -- Mountain Time.

No!

Self-destruct --

Oh, my God.

Paused.

Phew.

Don't relax yet.

You're in the wrong place to be toting that thing around.

Summer: Duh. It looks like I murdered a guy.

Rick's Head: Oh, that's fine.

They see a lot of murder, actually.

The cops have really given up down there.

What?!

Hey, you turned off self-destruct, not me.

G-Give Morty the phone! Morty!

Morty, no!

Summer: How is Rick's head even alive?

He's got little, inflatable neck bags.

What do we do here, sis?

I checked. I don't have the keys.

No, that's my bad. They were in his lab coat.

Morty: God damn it!

Portal guns fried, too.

We might actually be fucked here.

Rick's Head: She's on the same planet. We're fine.

Summer: Grandpa, be helpful.

I am. Get to my guy Seb's and sit tight.

I'll have Morty drop a pin.

Morty, hang up so you can drop a pin.

Summer: [ Groans ]

Whoo! I am back!

Wow! Beheading really sobers you up. Hmm.

Maybe -- Maybe lost a little too much air

on that "hoo" just now.

Pick me up. We gotta fix this ticking clock.

[ Beeping ]

[ Sighs ] This is gonna gargle total balls.

Let's see what other settings you have.

[ Air horn blowing, electricity crackling ]

Oh!

[ Grunting ]

[ Electricity crackles ]

Aah!

[ All scream ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Horn honks ]

Whoa! Check out that body.

Girl ain't bad either.

Don't be gross. Come on.

Let's kill her and steal it.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Need help with this unit, miss?

[ Grunts ] Back off!

Hey!

Oh, was this yours?

Get away from my grandpa!

[ Grunts ]

Goon: Give us that body!

[ All scream ]

[ Leg cocks ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Blade shings ]

[ All grunting ]

[ Screams, grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

Aah!

Sunblock?

This body's a gold mine!

Aah!

[ Grunts ]

Whoa!

What a great demo of its capabilities!

Oh, god damn it.

Transport setting, transport setting, transport setting.

Yes!

[ Tires screeching ]

[ All scream ]

Why are we at a hospital?

Wait. We better not be here to raid the medicine cabinet.

With me and what liver, Morty?

Hey! No, no!

I decide when I have spittle!

[ Grunting ]

Ah. This is the one they mentioned.

Is healthcare always this slow?

I could fix healthcare. I'm thinking of fixes right now.

Little boy, do you understand those papers you signed?

You really consent to this?

Why? What's wrong?

You signed up for a...head-ectomy.

Is that...bad?

[ Whispering indistinctly ]

You were gonna become my head!

Not anymore!

The police have been notified, son.

Well, hang on! I-I don't want the surgery,

but I-I also don't want --

Stay right here.

And thanks for nothing, Morty.

Now we're in trouble.

Are you insane?!

We just need to get to Summer!

Look at that nosy, interloping shit.

I-I bet he called weird hospital security.

Oh, fuck, he called weird hospital security!

Morty, out the window! Morty, out the window now!

[ All grunt ]

The window, Morty! The window!

Stop them!

Taxi!

Hey!

Morty!

Ow!

Drive!

[ Engine whooshes ]

You're the worst grandpa ever!

I'm not your grandpa, Morty.

I'm your grandpa's head.

What's the difference?

I didn't know there was one.

B-But it's only been an hour

and let me tell you, it is crazy having no dick.

Gross!

The opposite of gross.

Total clarity.

[ Groans ] M-My bags are sagging.

We did not fix that clock at all.

You got to upgrade me soon, Morty.

Otherwise, I'll just die.

Then you and Summer will be extra fucked.

Newscaster: Breaking news --

A severed head has kidnapped a small child.

Authorities are on high alert.

And to be clear, there is a reward.

A fat reward.

[ All grunts ]

We didn't have money anyway.

Where to?

I don't know! I can't see shit from down here!

Aah!

Oh, God! No brakes, no brakes, no brakes!

[ Screams ]

[ Crashes ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Wheezing ]

Are you Seb?

My Grandpa Rick sent me.

He said we could lay low here.

He got his head chopped off.

His head's still alive, I guess.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this.

It's cool. We're best friends.

Oh. You're not the stomach guy?

Rick comes to me for lots of stuff.

But y-yes. It's, uh, usually stomach-forward.

Sorry, I didn't mean it however you're taking it.

Does Rick hang with other mechanics?

I don't know. This neighborhood is terrifying.

Do you have anything to make this thing less useless?

Mm. Not sure the "stomach guy" --

Bro, your skin's metal. It can't be that thin.

[ Grunts ]

[ Whirs, electricity crackling ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Aah!

Body, no!

Easy, fella.

Ea-a-a-a-sy.

It's okay, it's okay.

You can't see or hear me right now, can you?

D-Do you have anything that can, you know...

Oh!

[ Beeping to tune of "William Tell Overture" ]

Sonar, infrared -- everything you simians need.

How you feel, pal?

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Summer: Alright. I'm chilling at Seb's.

What's your status?

Occupied!

I need an air filter and weapons or Morty will have killed me --

Ow!

Okay, d-does this work, like an electronics store?

Yes! Fine! Go!

Hurry, please.

This neighborhood smells like gasoline,

which I liked at first, but now feel sick from.

Rick, we still don't have money!

To be a problem solver, Morty.

Got to use your head!

[ Crashes ]

Randall: Aah!

This is a stickup!

Aah!

There you go, Morty!

I'm proud of you.

Give, uh --

Give us a bunch of, uh, uh --

a bunch of loose technology!

Who are you?

Shit.

It's that boy and the head! From the news!

What?

You got to live more in the world, Randall!

Threaten them!

I have lasers in my eyes!

Both: Oh!

Give me computer chips!

Uh, sorry, just checking.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Shop bell rings ]

Seb, we still laying low?

Shit.

Seb says he's got a hot new bod.

And I don't mean from working out.

Did you literally just sell us out in the time

between leaving this room and coming back?

You know how much this thing is worth?

This is Rick Sanchez's body!

Boo.

Also, yeah, my feelings are hurt.

You think you know a guy.

He does hang out with other mechanics!

There's a hot, smart one named Rachel he likes.

Aah!

Get them!

If Morty's had an easy day today, I swear to fucking God.

Goon: Oh!

Whoa, Body!

I guess you do keep the score!

[ Violin plays ]

[ Bell chimes ]

Smooth. That will work.

[ Squelching ]

[ Gasps ]

Crazy Randy: Reavers!

[ All scream ]

Did we just get on a train

that took us back to where we started?

[ Bell chimes ]

I guess it'd make sense

if you have no sense of direction.

Get them!

[ Chainsaw whirring ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Aah!

Ooh! [ Groans ]

[ Groans ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Gasps, groans ]

[ All grunting ]

♪♪

Body!

[ Grunts ]

[ Thudding ]

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

You can't run.

[ Gasps ]

My men will never give up.

If one falls, more will rise in their place!

Get them!

I mean, they kind of kicked our ass

when we had a bunch more guys.

You know what? You're a bad leader.

You can have him.

We are quiet-quitting!

Guys! That's just normal quitting!

Welp, I've come this far.

[ Electricity crackling ]

[ Grunting ]

Wait! [ Gasps ]

[ Choking ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

Huh?

Wow.

I-I don't know what to say.

[ Gasps ]

Whoa.

Very different from Rick's usual M.O.

Does hugging people really disarm them like that?

Whoa!

[ Siren wails ]

[ Chomping loudly ]

[ Belches ]

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Hello?

Summer: Seb sold us out.

We need a new rendezvous point.

Yeah, that's why I only use him for stomachs.

Why do you sound strange?

Rick ate the phone. It's inside him now.

Just meet us at the spaceport,

i-if we survive this.

Morty and I are very vulnerable to bullets right now.

Hold on. The cops are on line two.

Cop: Hello. We've run the numbers.

Your hostages are expendable.

Both: Oh, God!

Eat me, Pig!

I'm upgraded enough, Morty. Aim me!

No! No killing people!

I'm drawing a line!

Fine.

You mean it?

You won't cackle with battle rage and explode the city?

I'm all brain right now, Morty,

You can't get battle lust as a brain.

Oh! Okay.

[ Warbles ]

Oh!

[ Screaming ]

[ Screams ]

My knees!

This is great.

Our adventures can get so much less violent.

The show can be cerebral, Morty.

[ Laughs ] I don't hate that.

[ Cops scream ]

[ Cops groaning ]

Grab more parts.

Everyone's alive.

I'm a head of my word, Morty.

Check this out.

[ Beeping ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello?

A mistake?! Wow!

Talk about a departmental scandal.

False alarm, guys.

I guess it's a different kid and head.

Oh, man!

Cop: How embarrassing.

Just killed our GTA rating.

How about that, Morty? No outstanding warrants.

You like that?

I do like that.

Yeah, j-just bought us tickets to the spaceport, too.

First class.

Money's made up, Morty. It's not real!

I can pay for whatever our family needs!

Everyone said "Tenet" was bad.

It's amazing!

W-Wipe my tears, Morty.

I haven't watched a full movie in decades.

Not having to pee is incredible.

Anything to drink before we land?

None for me, thanks.

Wow!

Well, if there needs to be a creepy alcoholic?

Down, Morty.

Looks like their flight's on time.

What's this?

"Hello, Summer. This is Rick's body."

Well, obviously.

Sorry, sorry.

"I overthink.

My head gets in the way of telling you I love you,

but I'm all heart right now, so you're amazing.

Take a gap year in Europe.

Believe in yourself. Your parents are stupid."

[ Sniffles ]

Dumb body.

[ Uplifting music plays ]

♪♪

There they are.

Well, bye, Rick's head.

It was fun getting to carry you around like this.

It was nice putting our heads together, Morty.

A-plus team up.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

You piece of shit!

I'm never going back!

You can't make me!

Aah!

[ Jets whoosh ]

[ All scream ]

[ Man screams ]

I guess...

I guess each one is so happy on their own, they --

Want to kill the other so they never go back.

Yeah.

You guys had a great day, too, huh?

The best.

Shit.

What the hell, Summer?!

You spent a couple hours with Rick's body

and now it wants to kill his brain?

Rick's head treats his body like shit.

I can't believe you gave it weapons.

Obviously, Rick's brain wouldn't want to die.

Me?!

Y-You let his body get a little robot head thing!

You got played as bad as I did!

Rick's Head: Morty --

Shh!

Morty, stop calling. Everything's fine.

Just where are you?

Are you still trying to kill each other?

It's all good, Morty.

Seriously, I'll meet you back at home.

Just gonna get a new body real quick.

Oh?

Yeah, me and my old body --

You know, we don't need to beef.

We just go our separate ways, baby. New lives!

Grandpa Rick, you're not yourself.

Is that Summer?! She's a fucking body loyalist.

Take me off speaker. You know what?

Rick, wait!

We're pretty boned.

You wanna tell mom we lost Grandpa?

Maybe they'll eventually realize

they both need each other?

[ Groans ] I hear Rick mocking me as I say it.

He'll be so pissed if this is how he dies.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

Rachel?

[ Sighs ] Hello? Shop's closed.

Ugh! Rick?!

Rachel! I've just got this cool task

I thought we might jam on.

I-I need a special body.

No lust, no alcoholism.

Just 100%...

Oh. Uh --

Wait. What?!

So there was something here?!

I thought if I made a move, I'd destroy the friendship.

Yeah, well, keep thinking, buddy.

We could have had 10 years

of canonical will-they/won't-they!

Yeah. To be clear, it does ruin everything.

I had an orgasm. It was incredible.

It was?!

And now it's over.

Honestly, I kind of need both of you to leave.

You disgusting, giant-schlonged friendship ruiner!

[ Grunts ]

Hey! Don't bust up my place!

Come on!

[ Grunts ]

Hi, Morty. I'm calling because --

Yeah, they were here.

Yeah, both of them. Gone now.

Semi-related to that, I need you to delete my number.

Rick's Head: You horny idiot!

You always fuck everything up

drinking, sullying relationships,

eating late-night desserts!

But now I'm gonna be free of you forever.

Uh -- Okay.

I-I assume you're pantomiming

that you're gonna be free of me forever.

What a retort. How clever.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Grunting ]

Aah! [ Grunts ]

[ Blade shings ]

[ Slow-motion scream ]

Aah!

[ Blade clanging ]

♪♪

[ Slurring ] You little bitch!

[ Screaming ]

[ Warbling ]

Huh. That would have really laid you out if you had ears.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. [ Blows air ]

♪♪

Ha ha! Yeah!

Mind over matter!

♪♪

Aah! Fuck you!

[ Laughing maniacally ]

Morty: Head, stop!

Body, no!

♪♪

Maybe we need to get closer?

I'm so proud of that dumb body.

Just this morning, I used it as a scooter.

[ Both scream ]

[ Metal creaking ]

[ Laughing maniacally ]

♪♪

You're mine now, bitch!

Not mine literally. I'm gonna kill you.

I don't want you back.

♪♪

Oh, shit.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Metal creaking ]

Damn it! Wait!

Aah!

[ Groaning ]

Oh! Oh, shit.

Listen! I'm sorry, okay?!

I-I'll be good, I promise!

No more benders,

uh, no more all you can eat.

Uh, no more weird, little

stick n poke tattoos I give myself when I'm drunk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Head!

Body, no!

He's -- He's our grandpa!

Y-You are, too!

You guys are both victims because you're both selfish.

Think of each other.

[ Groans ]

Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on!

One more thing, one more thing!

How about this?

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

What -- What do you think they're saying?

I don't know. Why is it whispering?

Must be a compelling argument.

[ Metal creaks ]

Oh, God.

[ Electricity crackling ]

Should we check in?

I'm just glad they're hashing it out.

Rick?!

You're back!

Oh. [ Laughs ] Hey, kids.

Uh, yeah, I, uh...

Uh, we, uh...

agreed to become one Rick again.

How about that?

Abrupt.

Anyways, can't thank you both enough for today.

Really appreciate you two helping out. Let's get to the car.

Did you just suck your own dick in there?

Whoa!

No, I didn't!

W-Why would you guess that?

Why would you do that?!

I didn't!

Oh, my God! You totally did!

Damn, body. Get it.

T-That is not what I was doing, and I was --

I will not explain what it actually was.

Uh-huh.

Sure thing, ho.

Can we leave the collapsing refinery destroyed?

[ Metal creaking ]

Hi, Mom? Yeah. We found him.

Oh!

What a Tuesday, huh?

I just hope you learn to treat yourself better.

Me too.

"Me too"?

You control whether you learn something or not.

No, no. I do. And I did.

And I know this sounds like

classic morning-after, dumping-coke talk,

but I think I've turned a new leaf here.

My mind and body are out of sync.

Each blames the other for my bullshit.

So I'll do something healthy for all of us.

No, you won't.

No, you won't.

[ Screaming ]

Rise and shine, motherfucker!

It's time to train!

Summer, too! Summer's training, too!

[ Groans ]

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Rick, get out of my room!

[ Both groan ]

That experience changed me, man.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I didn't see what I was doing to myself.

[ Groaning ]

Did you think he'd commit this much?

No! Why are we even doing this?!

[ Crowd cheering ]

[ Fanfare plays ]

Summer: Come on, you son of a bitch! Swim!

Morty: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Go, go, go, go!

Swimmer: Come on, come on!

Yeah!

Both: Yes!

Whoo!

Rick: Yeah!

[ Laughs ]

How about that, huh? Medaling at the Olympics.

I'm so tired.

Ah!

No more. Please.

See? You just needed to learn

how unsatisfying it is to work really hard for something.

Is that the takeaway?

I feel bad. I can't remember this guy's name.

What do you guys want to do now?

♪♪

[ All chomping loudly ]

Oh!

I knew you'd come around.

It's nice to be off that diet.

Time to ride Vishnu's titty!

I guess you're only supposed to bite your metal if it's gold.

The bronze hurt my teeth.

[ Theme music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You got all that?

You got it, chief.

See you, pal.

Oh, one more thing. The downstairs fridge --

Tell Summer to do something about that stank.

Uh, Rick --

It's mold or something.

I'm not -- I'm not looking into it.

Oh! Aah!

Eh?!

Jesus! Asshole!

[ Whimsical music plays ]

Eh?!

You fucking scared me!

You hear that music, Morty?

Warner wouldn't let us use the real music.

Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!

Man: Did you get any of that?