Original subtitles

Slaves this vagina You

know,

I thought this job was gonna be a little bit more intellectually stimulated

You're on the trust fund?

Huh? What are you, an orphan?

No shit, Victor. Half o'clock.

Elliot!

Erica would like to see you in her office.

Me? Well, you know I hate criticism, especially when it's accurate.

Art these days is all about more noise, more commotion, otherwise you might as

well be zombie-scrolling TikTok.

It's still my talk's bigger than yours, and it's still fucking boring, and I'm

bored. I'm bored. Bye.

Oh, sorry about that. Oh, no problem.

Elliot.

Yes? How long have you been working for me now?

A little over a week, I think.

That long already?

And how are you liking it here?

I love it. Oh.

I see you've signed your NDA.

Hmm?

In your application back.

Yep. Yes.

Well, we all think you're doing an excellent job here, but

there is

something I need to speak with you about.

I wouldn't want you to take this the wrong way, but the way you've been

looking at me has been making me feel uncomfortable.

What?

Don't pretend you haven't been flirting with me, Elliot.

It is entirely inappropriate in the workplace.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

I, um... I don't even know what I've been doing exactly, but I promise,

whatever it is, I will stop immediately.

As long as we're really on the same page about that. I would love to be on the

same page, yes.

Oh, gosh.

Life's so fucking short, don't you think?

Do you have a girlfriend?

What? I'm sorry. I, um,

aren't you not supposed to ask questions like that?

I'm not.

Have I offended you?

No. No.

I just do have a girlfriend.

Good. That helps.

You wouldn't get weird then.

Weird?

If we fucked.

So your relationship with your former employer was initiated by her, and you

say it was primarily sexual in nature?

What's that?

Yes.

Am I a suspect here?

Depends.

Elliot, look, I realize it's been a long night, but we really need you to tell us

the whole story.

Okay, yeah, I know, I know.

It started a couple months ago when I was fresh out of school.

I was broke and in desperate need of a job.

Sex and sexuality are central to my work because as an artist, I'm seeking pure

truth. You know, what lurks beneath the facade of people hide behind me.

What are you watching?

It's for my interview.

My interview.

Was her hair good facing?

I'm interviewing to be her assistant at her studio.

You think her boobs are real?

When you fuck someone, even a one-night stand, you're physically and emotionally

naked. There's no bullshit, no presentation.

That person knows you better than your mother or your best friend ever will.

She's so good with words, right?

She looks kind of evil.

I know.

The panel has a rumor that she, like, Fox's Vincent Gallo of the Brown Bunny

premiered in Europe when she was 18.

It's embarrassing, but I think that's cool.

I mean, if you care, that's embarrassing.

Everyone has a persona they put on in public, but during sex, your most

intimate, primal self is revealed. That's what turns me on creatively.

Okay, remind me what the difference is between this and porn.

You know, lighting, context.

Right.

So does this mean that you're going to pay your parents the rent for a change?

Uh, I mean, I have to get the job first, but I hope so.

Yeah, me too. I'm tired of supporting your lazy ass.

Did you eat my fucking yogurt again? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll get you more, I

promise. Activia.

Great times.

I know.

Hi,

I'm here for my 3.30 interview.

Elliot?

What is this, a fuse?

Should I...

Unless you'd rather stand for the entire interview?

No. No.

I'm sorry.

Here you go.

So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Well, I'm... My name's Elliot.

I graduated from UCLA with a BFA in New England. That is all stuff

in that resume, though.

Why do you want to work here?

Oh, well, I love your work.

My early stuff or my recent work?

Honestly, both.

Contemporary art is a scam. You know that, right?

Uh-huh.

The real art is convincing people you're making something meaningful and complex

when it's really just arbitrary masturbation.

I'm currently working on a photographic series of nude men putting on makeup.

You should...

You should pose for me.

Oh, that's so flattering. No, no, it's not really my thing. Are you ashamed of

your body?

Oh, no, I wouldn't say that. You look bad without clothes on.

No, I look fine without clothes on. I don't know. That's your dick a little.

No, it's just not my thing. I'm sorry. No, I just, I don't know why.

It's fine if it is. No, my, no, my dick. Oh, sorry. I don't mean to say dick. Oh,

my God.

Calm down. I am fucking with you.

Wow. I would never say anything that inappropriate.

Oh, okay. Okay.

The door has been open the entire time, if you haven't noticed, as per the woke

police, so feel free to run away anytime.

Um... No.

Um... Good.

Yeah. You can never be too careful.

It's a good thing you have a sense of humor, though, because otherwise this

is... Definitely not the place for you.

Yeah, so I'm getting that, yeah.

Okay, you're hired.

Really? Yeah. Holy wow.

Yeah, this was just a formality.

Oh, my God. But you need to just loosen up. You're very tightly wound and a

little loud.

Yeah, no problem. I can 100% do that.

All right.

Bye-bye. Okay.

Thanks. Thank you. Honestly.

So Erica began grooming you the day that you met her.

Grooming is kind of a loaded word. I mean, our relationship was 100%

consensual. And I mean, the attraction was definitely mutual. Plus, she's only

14 and a half years older than I was.

Erica was your employer, though.

Yeah, yeah. But in a weird way, that dynamic is kind of what...

What made it so hot? I mean, it was, you know, it was forbidden. It was, again,

society's rules.

So are you saying you didn't find it suspicious that out of all the qualified

applicants, Erica hired you for the position right on the spot?

How awesome is that? My first post-college job.

Awesome. You're a pretentious artist, peon.

Well, Erica's actually not pretentious at all. She's really cool. And why are

you studying?

My neuropharmacology exam is this Friday.

What?

I thought maybe we could have some celebration sex.

We just had sex 11 days ago.

Unlike some people, I've got lots of work to do and I can't accomplish

anything with you constantly running my G-energy.

Please. You're a sex addict.

Sex addiction's a myth.

I read it on the internet.

Oh, Elliot.

I want you so bad.

Please fuck my brains out with your legendary wild card.

You know, because of you, I've been masturbating a lot more than usual, and

I think I'm getting claw hands. Is that the medical term?

Uh, yeah. I googled it.

Well, luckily, that's why God invented porn, so women like me can make the

world go round while you men jerk off.

You precocious geniuses all know how to chew gum, yes?

Fantastic. You're going to chew each piece until it is soft and juicy, and

you are going to stick it on this canvas in the clearly demarcated area. No

matter what, do not go outside of the lines.

Got it?

What are you waiting for? Start chewing.

What an insufferable cunt.

Go ahead.

Welcome to the hipster sweatshop.

I'm Zap.

Zach. Zap.

Like a ray gun.

Oh, Elliot.

I'm sorry.

It's just my first day. I'm a little nervous.

What for?

We were just mindless cows chewing cud in a pasture.

So, uh, you're an artist too?

I do a pornographic blog on a semi-fictional chit-chat conversation

I'm having with a priest that I have never met that lives in Mexico City.

You?

I'm contemplating starting a podcast.

Yeah.

I have very, like, active imagination.

You know?

You think Erica's hot?

I guess.

Do you?

She's a fucking goddess.

Why? Well, she has a real badge, which is, in fact, where I draw the line.

But I do know someone who has had sex with someone who was in an orgy with her

once. Really? An orgy?

Uh-huh.

Whoa.

You've never been in one, huh?

I haven't, have you?

This morning.

Wow. So you're, uh, pan, then? Or, you know... No, Elliot,

I am fucking gay.

This is no-label, amorphous bullshit for me.

You? Well, I have a girlfriend, but I definitely, you know, feel identified

with the queer community. Have you ever sucked a dick?

No,

I haven't. I want to look at that. Oh, my God.

Sorry. The gum hit the back of my... Are you okay?

Great. Do you have a car?

Yep. I need you to follow me home because there's something I need you to

move for me.

Put your number in here.

I'll have to do the address.

Sorry. Yes. No, I can. Yeah.

Just be careful. I did a small portion for that day. Just be careful.

All right.

First on the ground over there.

I could have done it myself, but I don't do manual labor.

What do you think?

Oh, I like it.

Why? It's very succinct.

Succinct.

I paid $20,000.

That's the best thing you can buy. I will think.

Well, why'd you buy it anyway?

Did you say you said a contemporary scam?

I just say bullshit sometimes to see if anyone's listening.

I'm going to have a spin rip. Do you want one?

Your spin rip sounds great. Thanks.

My issue with art today is that people care more about the celebrity status of

the artist than the work itself. So then the actual art becomes just a trace

element of the trajectory of fame.

Why'd you become an artist anyway?

How much time do you have?

Uh, you're the one paying me.

Not much though, right?

No. Okay, good. Sit.

Oh, just have one. Boys your age look so hot with a cigarette. You should have

one. Trust me.

Have you read Harold Robbins?

I'm sorry, who?

Harold Robbins. Oh, God.

He's as much a part of this sexual revolution as a pill or Playboy.

I found that stashed in my mother's nightstand when I was a kid, and it

literally changed my life.

Really? It introduced me to unbridled, Helmut Newton-style hedonism.

It inspired me to become a good, sexually liberated citizen.

Unlike your uptight generation, by the way. What do you mean?

I read an article the other day.

It said 30% of guys your age haven't had intercourse in a year. They'd rather

watch porn or play fucking video games.

It's complicated.

Complicated? Gen Z's all about FOMO and yet you're willing to miss out on the

sexual prime of your life.

I think my peers have not been well observed.

Growing up in a time where nothing feels safe or okay.

And since our formative years were spent lacking in-person socialization, it's...

challenging for some to make eye contact, let alone have sex.

But what is with this bummer veil cast over everything fun or exciting? Not to

mention the dick bags on TikTok who are like, don't hold hands in front of me. I

didn't consent to that.

A lot of millennials had parents and teachers who would completely remove

them from anything that made them feel uncomfortable.

Being outside your comfort zone is the whole fucking point.

How else do you learn from your mistakes and grow?

Sure, people should make informed decisions and not get AIDS or pregnant

or whatever, but sex is everything.

It forges us as human beings. I would not be the person I am today without my

carnal experiences.

Good, bad, men, women, other.

Your time is now, kids. Now, get it while you can.

Sorry,

I'm rambling.

No. It's just this retro sex negativity gets me so fucking worked up.

No, I totally get it.

Oh, fuck.

I have a Zoom thing in five minutes. Oh, uh... You can find your way back to the

studio, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

Thank you. Oh, borrow it.

Really? Yeah, take it.

Okay, cool.

The entire generation is a bunch of whiny, repressed, weaklings.

You're all dying to fuck.

You're too shit to admit it.

Aren't you?

Aren't you?

Aren't you?

Aren't you?

Aren't you?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

in the book, then what happened?

Well, she kind of just left me hanging.

How so?

She was giving me the silent treatment all week.

I mean, so much so that I thought any spark we had was just my imagination.

What a colossal cock tease. I know, right? I mean, it is probably for the

best I do have a girlfriend, but... Oh!

Oh, that's right. Yeah.

Look.

Does she even like you?

I mean, I don't know. She usually likes shit most of the time, but I don't know.

You know, Minerva and I on paper, it doesn't really make sense. She's in

medical school. She's super ambitious. She's focused.

I know I'm just utterly lost in the drift.

I was going to say figuring my shit out, but... Potato, potato.

Yeah.

She doesn't really like the fact.

Can I ask you a question?

No, I won't fuck you. You seem to like it.

In a relationship, you know, do you think about other people sexually?

I'm gay. We basically invented non-monogamy.

And anal.

I am a slave to this vagina.

If we fucked.

If you're not interested, that's actually, that's fine. I don't really

care. It's probably a bad idea anyway.

I'm not sure I heard you right.

So you are interested then?

You wouldn't freak out and make working together impossible?

No,

I wouldn't freak out.

Would you freak out?

No.

Not at all. Okay.

Why don't you close that door for me?

That's better.

Come over here so I can take a better look at you.

Oh, don't walk.

I'd really prefer if you crawled.

Crawl.

No! No!

Why does all the cool sex deviant stuff always happen to you?

What are you talking about?

I don't know. Doesn't Minerva get, like, super kinky sometimes?

I mean, never.

She should probably just kill herself.

I've always said that about her.

I mean, like, listen, like, me and Minerva have our differences, yes, but

she's a good presence in my life. I don't know, she ground me.

Plus, she's fucking hot, dude.

She's like what AI would generate if you told it, total bitch.

Right.

Just my type.

I don't even know what my type is anymore.

It's like, lately, I'm just, like, weirded out by a whole weird thing, you

know? Like, is it just me or just having sex?

Talking to somebody, it kind of just feels like you're inserting a tampon,

like, over and over and over again.

I wouldn't know. But I would venture to say it's probably just you.

If only, like, there was a way to have sex without the whole penis thing

involved, you know?

Anyway, what are you hooking up with Erica again?

I don't know, dude. Like, do I really want to be Monica Lewinsky and my boss?

E. She's famous. You can be famous by association, like Travis Kelty.

Yeah, yeah.

Stop pretending like you have a conscience.

I'm not really into that.

Okay. It doesn't mean you're good.

Have you ever tried it?

I'm using a ton of lube.

And you can use your safe word if you get into trouble.

We don't have a safe word. Whatever. You're going to love it. It's going to

change your life.

Don't you trust me?

Yeah. Okay.

Ready? Just breathe.

Relax. We're going to go really, really slow.

That's good.

Just breathe.

Three, two, just relax.

Good.

Huh?

I was in the way over my head, and it was like the more I would hang out with

Erica, the more under her control I became.

Not that way.

Oh, cool.

You said that your relationship had a violent undercurrent, that Erica

physically abused and humiliated you.

Listen, I understand as an outsider, it might seem like our relationship was a

bit, I don't know, kinky or strange, but, I mean, these were my wildest

fantasies coming to life.

people? What?

Smiling all huge and artificial like I'm sort of a cyborg cheerleader.

What is it?

Fucking dried fruit. I don't know. Not papaya, one of the other gay ones.

Okay, thank you.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm just drafting your best release for the show next week.

Hey, Erica.

I left that cop report on your deck.

Okay. We have the meeting with the accountant at 2.30.

Great.

Go on.

Right.

Tracy's work is uncommonly visceral, riffing on themes of bodily and sexual

excess. Her singular ability to blend the profane with the deeply poetic is...

Made her one of the most essential neopop artists of her generation.

You make me feel like you know what I'm doing.

What are you talking about?

You're brilliant.

Cancel my phone or with that tea bag from our apartment.

Meet me in my office. Okay.

You're not the first.

You won't be the last.

I was masturbating before work and got so inspired, so I recorded it to play on

a loop as a soundtrack for a video installation.

Oh. Okay.

Cool. It's abstract, babes. God, sometimes you're such a philistine.

I don't know.

What's wrong?

Come. I can't come. Just sit down.

Are you sure?

Can't they feel me embarrassing?

Mm-hmm. Of course.

I think about you all the time.

You know, like, from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep, it's like I

can't change the channel.

Well, you're my sub, so that's perfectly normal.

Oh, you look so adorable when you're nervous.

Really?

Yeah.

Earlier.

When you were reading me that thing you wrote about me, I felt like maybe I was

falling in love with you.

Are you serious?

No, I just said that to fuck with you.

Do you ever think about me?

I think we have incredible chemistry.

No, I mean, do you think about our relationship?

Like, am I more than just a piece of ass to you?

Well, I did tell you that I don't want... a relationship plus you have you

have a girlfriend i know i'm thinking about breaking up with her what no why

because i really just want to be with you

listen

can i let you in on a secret people are assholes okay

they're out there pretending to give a shit nobody gives a shit people only

care about themselves

So if you find someone that you care about who cares about you back, that's

special. That's something you should think twice about before you throw away.

But if what me and Minerva have is so special, then why am I cheating on her?

Oh, because you're like me. You're a sexual astronaut just exploring the

outer limits of experience.

And fucking people gives you a sense of identity and control.

How do you know all of this?

Because I've been in therapy since I was six.

You're supposed to say thank you when I hate you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

You just come. I don't think I'm going to be able to right now. Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

No, I'm just trying.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

I made you breakfast and bed, baby. I want to make you breakfast every day for

the rest of my life.

Breakfast? Yeah.

Have you ever thought about having kids?

I told you three times.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I'm running.

From who?

Listen, I have an old friend from Paris in town, and I'm busy working.

Okay.

I forgot her birthday last week, so I need you to go over there and fuck her

as a belated present.

What?

Who's your kid?

As Wolf Blitzer.

She's up at London, expecting you at nine.

Tonight? I'm not. I'm home, Erica. I'm really sweaty. I just...

Don't be late. And screw her real good, but don't let her penetrate you. She's

not that close a friend.

Oh, her name's Yvette.

Eric. Erica.

Erica.

Was this trying too hard?

You look like an assassin in a Netflix Yakuza movie.

Is it good or bad?

What if I just wear a T-shirt? Basically just saying, like, hey, I'm casually

wearing a T-shirt.

You know, you should really stop running.

Haven't you ever heard of dogger face?

No, what's that?

It's like when you run and you're, like, constantly bouncing up and down and up

and down, and it pulls all the skin on your face, like, away from your muscles.

You end up having, like, disgusting, like, saggy flesh hanging off your

skull. And it's like, do you look at your face?

So you should stop running.

Or a doctor up on your face.

God, why is it?

that no random European stranger ever flies into town to fuck me.

My life is so beige.

Hi, I'm... Elliot?

Yeah, that's right, Elliot, yes.

You bet.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Come in.

Would you like some wine?

Uh, yeah.

Sure, wine would be great.

It's a white burgundy.

2016 Chateau de Beauregard.

Oh. Is this okay for you?

I am. You're just drinking two-buck chocolate tea, so yes.

Sorry, my English.

This is great.

Well, this is a bit awkward.

Yeah, I kind of feel like we're in a porno or something.

What? You know, you're the executive here on a business trip, and I'm just

the naive bellhop.

I don't know.

Anyway, Erica, I thought we should meet.

She's always surrounded herself with such interesting people.

A creator of personalities, I like to say.

And what do you do for her, Elliot?

Um...

Well, I think tonight the question really is,

what can I do for you?

What are you doing?

Whenever you want. I'm your boy horse for the evening.

Oh, really?

You want to clap me?

You can clap me if you want.

Do you know what? eroticism is it's uh being turned on

no really americans treat sex

like it's an animal act stripped of sensuality of

mentoring crawling on your hands and knees reciting this cheap

pornography script this is not erotic

This is performance.

Get above the floor.

Okay.

Sex is not something you

do. It's not?

No. It's a language.

It's a dance.

Do you mind?

Slow down.

Be in your body.

Be in my body.

Maybe you should just go. What?

I'm not going to fuck you.

You're not?

Never in a million years.

Did she really say sex is a dance?

This is why I fucking hate Europe.

I'm sorry. Did I fuck it up? No, babe. No. It is not your fault that she's such

a fucking prude.

If she contacts you again, no more. She's lost her privileges.

I really don't think we'll have to worry about that, but okay.

Do you mind if we do this with another one of your friends? I don't know. I

kind of like being your toy that you pass around in a chair, I guess.

Yeah, we'll see.

Not for a while, though.

Why not?

Because I said so.

All right, I gotta get my door.

Um... Do you want to have dinner tonight?

Dinner? Like a real date?

Yeah, baby, like a real date.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

How's your girlfriend, Minnie?

Oh, Minerva? That's right.

She's all right, I guess.

Yeah, it's just, um... She's been super busy and stressed recently.

Also... We just go through life, you know, differently.

She's way more wrapped up in science, and I think this thinks art's

superficial. Wow.

Yeah. A dullard.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe. You should remind her that art cuts through the bullshit of every

single day.

It connects us to the core emotions that actually make us human.

Ecstasy, fear, desire.

Artists see things other people don't.

Have you always been this way?

I've retained your thoughts from hell? Not.

Yeah, pretty much.

You stopped for your girlfriend too?

Mentally and emotionally, yeah.

No, not in the bedroom.

It's kind of a minefield for me.

In what way?

Well, right after I was born, my dad left, and so I was pretty much just

raised by my mom.

By the way, I'm so sorry.

Let me know if I'm boring you. No, not at all. Okay.

All my life, I've kind of been this curious kid, like living in my own

world, but also plagued by fear and the desire for normalcy.

But with you, you know, I actually don't have to make any decisions. I found this

amazing freedom in just letting go of control.

I know.

You're welcome.

Where's your ticket? Oh, I didn't valet. I just parked on the street. What?

Dude.

Even when I was poor, I violated everywhere, all the time. You're right.

Fake it to you, ma'am. Okay, good point taken.

Can you hold it for a second?

Hi.

I have to go back to the cell, ma'am.

Oh, you don't want me to come over?

That opening's next week, so... As much as I would love to come for the next

three hours... Do you guess what I mean?

I can't. I gotta work.

You don't really give a shit what people think about you, do you?

Why would I? Most people are idiots and cowards.

Yeah, you know, I just wish that I could stop caring so much about other people's

opinions. But that's your thing. You're the guy who loves it by teal, just

grinding into his back.

That's my thing?

Yeah.

It's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me, so... Aw.

You know that's what I'm here for.

Good night, baby.

Erica played me like a violin.

She knew just how far she could push me and have me doing things I never even

dreamed of.

I mean, we were outlaws.

Just the two of us against the oppressive, puritanical world.

Sounds like you were obsessed with her.

Yeah.

Sorry about canceling tonight. We're kind of slammed.

Getting ready for the show next week.

Oh, were we supposed to do something?

I was studying.

For a change, right?

Um, is it okay if I stop by?

I'm having your neighborhood.

I told you I'm studying.

Yeah, I just sort of wanted to talk to you about something.

Yeah, I just thought, um... Alright, um...

I was wondering, have you ever... Have I ever what?

Are you drunk or something?

I had a little bit of wine earlier, but I'm not drunk.

No.

Have you ever thought about a...

Taking a break?

Yeah, all the time.

Really? I mean, if that's what you want, it makes sense with me being so busy and

all.

So, uh, last night, I talked to Minerva about taking a break.

You know, she seemed pretty okay with it. So she don't hear anything? No,

that's not... Did you just hear what I said, or...

I heard Victor is freaking out about the show because the studio is on life

support and Erica has been slacking off.

Okay. Rumor has it that she's been too busy banging one of the assistants.

So, what do we want to do for lunch?

Anywhere is fine, except I am not doing meat, soy, dairy, gluten, or sugar this

week. Or corn.

You're a blast at lunch. Elliot, Erica would like to see you in her office.

Now.

Hi. Hey, come on in.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, Victor's just on the fucking rag again.

Listen, he and I were chatting, and we are in agreement that you and I should

probably cool it for a while.

What? Why?

This show is right around the corner. I need to focus. I just need to eliminate

any and all unnecessary distractions.

Okay.

For how long?

At least until the show is over.

I understand you have to concentrate on your work. I realize that this is a

priority, but...

Well, we have us, right? It's special, right?

Sure, babe.

Strictly a sex thing. You understand that, right?

You say sex is everything, so... Yeah, well, sex is everything. It's also

nothing, Elliot.

I actually... I don't have time to discuss it right now.

So... Thank you.

I think I miss you.

I know.

Hello everybody, I'm Elliot, 23,

and like a lot of people my age, I've had conflicted and confusing

feelings about sex.

Anyway, I met a girl recently who kind of rocked my

world, sexually, you know, speaking.

She's changed me in ways that I probably can't even comprehend yet.

But sex is a drug, man. I mean, the highs are so intense.

They bring you to such a euphoric, out-of-body place. It's like you leave

reality and all your troubles behind.

Which makes the lows feel fucking bottomless.

Such a black, hopeless despair that will make you do anything for another fix.

Nothing else matters.

It's like any other addiction, I guess.

You know, you have to learn how to control it, otherwise it just ends up

controlling you.

Hello?

Okay, I'll fuck you tonight, but you have to bring someone to hold your ass

open for me. What?

I said I want to have a threesome, but it has to happen quick.

Are you in or are you out?

I'm in.

Okay, meet me at my place at nine.

With a friend.

Who is hot?

What?

How long have we been best friends?

You're not being red again?

We're there because not anything.

Oh, no, dude, I already said it.

Why? Which one? This one.

No, I look like a Gordon. I'm in this picture. You look so cute.

Oh, my God. What did she say? Uh, she... I think she'll do.

I need to be way more drunk. Me too, me too, me too.

Do you ever take orgasms?

Well, I do.

So?

My hair looks like a giant tarantula is crawling under my skull.

Wait, um, does this mean that, like, we're, like, you're gonna...

No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Maybe. I've never had a threesome before. Have you?

In freshman year, I messed around with that lesbian couple, not in shafts as I

count. Ew, really?

No, I bowed out because they were both on their periods.

in a lot of world i don't know like since felix in like probably

a year or something a year

I think we're okay, thanks.

You can have a seat, if you like.

I like your

friend.

You're very hot.

Oh, thank you.

It's okay.

It's okay.

May I?

Okay.

Beautiful.

Thank you.

I mean, you're gay.

What?

No. No.

Oh. You got a clue.

Well, you're a very good kisser.

Gentle. Not like Elliot.

Elliot kisses with his mouth wide open like he's just trying to stop the whole

world. No, I don't.

Yeah, no, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's just how you kiss.

Why don't you just show Apple? Why don't you demonstrate?

What? Yeah.

No.

Wait.

Thank you.

Yeah. Right?

Yeah, me too. Yeah, no, of course.

Okay.

Wow.

You guys really took your time.

Okay, here's what's going to happen. Elliot, take your clothes off. Apple,

get on the bed.

Quit fucking whining.

Okay.

You are going to sit here like a good little pervert and watch while I fuck

your friend.

This sucks. The cops are hurting my wrist.

I think Elliot wants to be on time.

He's fine.

I'm not fine. I'm so bored. Oh, my God. Shut the fuck up. I told you to stop

whining. Well, wouldn't it be funny if you fucked me, too? No. Why?

Because you're a greedy little slut and you can't always get what you want.

You, come here.

Bible.

Really?

Yes.

Apple.

This is all part of the game, and Elliot loves this. He thinks it's wonderful.

No, I don't.

Come on.

Oh, fuck.

Did you bite my fucking lip?

Apple, just stop. I'm so sorry. This was such a fucking stupid, crazy fucking

idea.

Why? Are you grossed out by me or something?

What? No. What are you talking about?

You'll fuck anyone and everyone, but I'm not good enough for you.

No. Apple, where is it coming from? Who are you? I'm so... I just... Please,

just wait a second, okay? No. Here, listen. I'm sorry. I don't know why you

saved me. I can't believe it when you brought me into this. Apple, I just... I

didn't know it was going to be... I'm so sorry. Don't go. Please, just wait.

What's happening right now is very special.

You both are entering into what's known as subspace. You, Apple, and I just...

We went through something very intense together and you're having just extreme

emotional reactions. This is what S&M is all about.

Are you fucking crazy? Why are you doing this?

Because you like it, baby.

I don't like it. I don't even know if I like you.

Okay, whatever.

I mean, Apple.

Apple, just one second.

Who do you think you are? You can't just have a fucking toy with people's

emotions for your own sick game, you know?

You'll be back.

Actually, Sharon, can we, um... Can we make more, um...

You love me.

Oh, what are you doing?

I'm trying to talk to you.

But we're not together anymore.

Oh, I know, but we need to talk.

It's late, and you're obviously wasted.

Yeah.

Seriously, Elliot, let's not do this right now.

It's never going to be time for you.

Why would you have such a shitty fucking girlfriend?

Excuse me? You never wanted to hang out or have sex with me. Which is basically

the whole point.

Of being in a relationship.

You knew exactly what she signed up for. I told you from the very beginning that

until I finish my postdoc, my work comes first.

Don't you think because, you know, we're both so emotionally stunted and suck at

communicating that actually we're, I don't know, maybe perfect for each

other? What? Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Can I come in? No!

Please, please, just let me come in. I'm not going to have sex with you or

anything. Elliot, just... Elliot, go home!

Please. What the fuck is going on?

Hmm.

I was totally circling the drain.

My two most important relationships, my girlfriend and my best friend, were

trash beyond repair.

And I really just had no one to blame but myself.

You didn't blame Erica, considering how she treated you?

Seems like you would be angry or resentful.

Sure, Erica led me down the path of my destruction, but at the end of the day,

everything I did was always my voice.

I mean, you want to know the thickest part?

But the fact that even though all this had happened, I still wanted to be with

her. This is the kind of fucked up state of mind I was in.

Hey, man, I really can't thank you enough. I mean, I swear to you, I'll be

out of here as soon as I can. I already asked my mom for a loan. Oh, that's

great, because you're already kind of cramping my style. You know, I have a

hookup coming over in about half an hour. Okay.

So, oh, okay.

I'll make you a cup of coffee or something. Honestly, I don't really care

what you do as long as you're not here.

How long do you think?

Give or take like 90 minutes. It's got to be a quickie because I have a real

date later tonight.

Okay. Yeah.

Is it too much to ask to take a shower before?

Let's just make it that.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. Also, can you use the gas towel?

The one that says gas towel.

Copy.

Things were looking very bleak.

I just had no idea how important my life was going to be.

I don't know.

I'm not sure I get it. It's like Borna meets the bottom of our sub-sneaker.

Fine.

Don't be a Bulgarian.

Well, then, please, Erica, enlighten us. What does it all mean?

Fuck if I know. It means money in my bank account.

That's all I care about.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, oh, Elliot, wait one minute. Elliot!

Elliot!

Hi. Hi, there you are. I've been looking for you everywhere.

Hi. Elliot. Elliot, meet my very good friends from New York, the Bruce's.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hello. Hello.

Have fun. Go roam. Drink for free. Buy everything. Thank you.

Thank fucking God. I thought my face was going to crack off a fake smile. Okay.

Please come.

Okay. I'm sorry about the other night. I think I was...

I think I was more stressed about the show than I thought. And, um, I'm sorry.

All right.

But it's going really well, right?

I feel like it's going really well.

Yep. This is what I want to do.

I want you to go to the ladies room.

I want you to wait in the furthest stall for three minutes.

And then I'm going to come in and I'll keep it distilled up.

You know, if you're drunk, I'll... I'll be buzzkill. It's going to be fun.

And also, this is technically a work-related event, so I am paying you.

But you have to do what I say.

I mean, that's got to be potential harassment or something. Come on, baby.

Please?

And yes, I'm just really, really wet.

you to margaret fd from home wow yes it is such a pleasure we've we've

tried on the phone but never in person really erica i am such a fan oh my god

thank you you are more than an artist you are

a psychologist of the human condition you know what i absolutely

agree

work, though. And I must say, I'm not so sure it's up to par.

Well, I do always strive to break new ground creatively.

Erica never played the same. And she never repeats herself. That's what makes

her iconic.

And I'm going to show you a piece that illustrates that right over here.

Come this way. Come this way.

I don't even want to know what you're doing.

You need to get your shit together and you got to come with me right now. Let's

go. Come on.

Oh my god.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, sir. Can I help you?

What? Are you joking?

Hey, the video's just supposed to be for...

ours. That was supposed to be for us. I trusted you with that, and then you go

and put yourself out like consent.

Sorry, sir, you seem to be quite drunk. I don't know if you need any assistance.

I get that you've done fucked up shit before, right? But this is on a whole

new level of fucked upness. Hey, excuse me. What's, uh, something wrong? This

man seems to be having some sort of psychotic episode.

I don't see. Erica, you can't do that. Hey, just act like some kind of god up

in the sky and none of your actions, you know, have any ramifications.

You can't just do that.

Please, Erica, no. Erica, stop. Talk to me. Yes, sir.

He's on drugs. You need to get him out of here. Go fuck yourself.

Hey, hey, hey. Go fuck yourself.

Go fuck yourself. Get the fuck out of here.

was entertaining.

Never a dull moment, right?

Okay.

What was I saying?

Is Eric and Tracy over?

As if the art on display last night was not proof enough that this tired old

whore is done though. An enraged former bull toy, that's you, exploded in her

face at her own party. Say bye-bye.

Biatch! I thought it was worth it. You should read with the fucking time. Yeah,

no, I get it. I get it. I drank a little bit too much last night. Didn't we all?

After you left, I gave a fat guy half a handjob in the parking lot.

What? I think you're firing me.

Are you surprised?

I guess not.

Well, don't feel too special.

With Erica officially past her sell-by date, I think it's safe to say we are

all on the chopping block.

Thank God.

I don't really need to work anyway.

Oh, heads up. I am having a grinder party at class.

I worked you tonight, so you might want to find somewhere else to sleep.

How long is the manager ever going to last this time?

Oh, a weekend.

Great.

I had nowhere left to go.

I had no job.

No prospects.

I was at the end of my rope.

Okay, okay, I'm leaving.

Fuck!

What took you so fucking long? Come on, get in here. Don't fucking stand there

like a half-wit.

I ain't drinking alone.

It's so trash.

Here, just skip. I want to propose a toast to the bitter end

of Erica Tracy.

What?

Oh, did you not hear?

The show.

was a fucking disaster.

I'm done. Finito.

Terminated. They fucking hate me. They hate me. They hate me. So now we have to

toast. We have to celebrate.

Will you celebrate with me? Come on. Come on.

Yeah.

Yeah. This helps.

come on, no, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good,

it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good,

it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good,

it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good,

it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good,

it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good,

it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good,

it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good,

it's good,

it's good,

it's good

What? You take your clothes off.

Then you put this up.

I don't want to. Take all your clothes off. Come on. Let's go.

I don't want to. Just fucking do it.

Jesus. Fuck.

And then does that?

That's great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Come on. We don't have all night. Let's go.

Okay. You're going to love this.

This is so good. I have something so good.

Oh, okay.

This is so good.

Okay, you sit down. Here, you sit. It's your turn.

You go like this.

And then I go like, oh, you're so pretty.

What are you doing? Just, just, just, no questions at all.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay.

Here's what I'm going to do.

Tonight, you are going to be me.

And I am going to fuck you.

And then I will be fucking myself.

Literally, this time.

No,

no, no. Come on. No, no, no.

Please,

just stop.

Oh, you don't want to fuck me? No.

Come on.

Come on. Oh, come on. Come on.

Stop. Come on.

Stop it.

Are you fucking crazy? Come on.

I just told you. What are you going to do? Can you just do it for me? Can you

just do what I asked you to do?

What is wrong with you? What the fuck? Are you fucking insane?

Stop. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

That's the last thing I remember.

So you hit her?

No. What? No, I didn't hit her. She was attacking me. I was just defending

myself. I mean, I've never seen Erica like this. So unhinged. Like she had

nothing left to lose.

You said she was intoxicated when you arrived.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, she was definitely fucked up. I mean...

You know, he was really upset about the show tanking, so... I mean, I don't know

if he was on anything besides alcohol, but... You were under the influence as

well. I had a few glasses of champagne, but that was it.

You said earlier you blacked out.

Um, well, I hadn't eaten all day.

I guess that the alcohol was hitting me, you know, a little bit harder than

usual. So let me get this straight.

You drove to Erica's house.

You got drunk.

You've gotten a violent physical altercation with her.

And then you conveniently blacked out and can't account for anything that

happened for the rest of the night?

I didn't conveniently black out.

Yeah, if you think so.

After you regain consciousness, then what happened?

Stop fucking around, Erica. Where are you?

Erica, come on, stop fucking with me. Come on, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake

up.

Hi,

hello, my friend, she fell into the pool. There was an accident. I tried to

give her a mouth-to-mouth, but I think...

2010 Wonderland Terrace, yes.

Okay, yeah. Police, hurry.

Okay.

And then her body miraculously disappeared?

I don't know. I mean, I went inside the house for like 60 seconds to call 911.

How long were you unconscious?

I don't remember, but I did kill her. I know that for sure.

Is there anyone you can think of that may have wanted Erica dead?

She wasn't universally loved, but I can't think of anyone who pissed off

enough to want her murdered.

I honestly didn't know her that well.

So what happens now?

Well, nobody, there's no evidence, so you're free to go.

What?

I can just leave?

For now.

I don't go far.

How many days has it been now?

Five.

You know, the police say the longer that she's missing, the less likely it is

that she's alive.

Do you think I need to get a lawyer?

Not that I can afford one, but... Let's stay optimistic for the time being.

Speaking of, it seems like the clickbait drama has restored Erica's market value

at the very least.

What?

Every one of her pieces from her city train wreck shows sold out.

So I guess it's true what they say.

An artist is worth more dead than alive.

I'm in.

Is it just me or is that so unbelievably fucked up?

Welcome to the sad reality of now.

I'm going to go for a run. Do you want me to get you anything while I'm out?

No, I'm good.

Text me if you change your mind. Okay.

Are you expecting a package?

No.

It's all, it's all Victor's fault. No, no, no, no, no, definitely not. I take

full responsibility for my part in this, but after the show bombed, the brand

took a huge hit. We had to do something.

Use me in a plot to figure on that for publicity. I understand why you're

upset. I do, which is why I'm here apologizing in person. And as I told

you, I already cleared everything up with the police.

Oh, oh yeah. Thanks for that.

Sorry. I'm truly, truly sorry. But the studio was hemorrhaging money. And when

Victor came up with this whole cockamamie scheme, I didn't know what

else to do.

Did you review me?

I had to.

For the plan to work, you had to be just a little foggier than usual, and we

needed time, you know, to pull off the operation.

It was your usual just buy movie stuff.

I mean, to be honest, the hardest part was forcing myself not to breathe or

laugh when you were giving me mouth-to-mouth.

And then Victor and I waited outside to make sure you called 911.

And the rest is history.

Why me?

Well, you gave us... I mean, with your whole meltdown at the opening, it was a

pretty convenient motive, you know? And plus, you're the most gullible, plus

trustworthy of my... Most of my friends would have just run away, not even

called 911.

I don't know what to say. I mean...

I'm happy you're alive.

I'm so unbelievably angry at the same time.

I mean, I was just living my life, minding my own business, and then you

come along, and before I even know what's happening, I'm a sex slave to a

complete fucking sociopath and being interrogated by the cops for murder.

That's not fair. It's not fucking fair, Erica! It's fucked up!

Do you not understand what you've done? I lost everything because of you. I

mean, Erica...

I had real fucking feelings for you, and you destroyed my entire fucking life. I

know you're upset right now, but you need to trust me. As somebody who has

come back from the dead, literally and figuratively more than once, your life

is not destroyed.

In fact,

there's this silver lining. Silver lining? What the fuck are you even

talking about? Okay, I'll tell you. Remember when I was saying that in order

to break through the noise and get people's attention these days, you have

to make a big commotion?

Well, now you, despite whatever nuisance it caused at the moment, you can now go

and make a documentary.

Or write a book, or a miniseries, or whatever, after you change all the

names, and it'll say, based on an insane but shockingly true story, which is all

people give a shit about these days.

Tell what?

You expect me to be grateful for you implicating me in the entire fucking

show?

I don't believe in shame or regret or any of the other fucked up brainwashing

they give you in Catholic school.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special guest in the studio today, world

-renowned artist and now author, Erica Tracy.

Erica is our biography.

Confessions of a Threat, How to Get Laid and Conquer the World at the Same Time

is online and at bookstores now. Go get it.

Erica, I mean, welcome to the show, obviously.

I kind of can't believe you're here right now. That makes two of us.

I was surprised to see that I made enough of an impression to warrant an

entire chapter in your book. I mean, I'm full of surprises. You should know that

by now. Do I ever.

So it was fun.

It actually was.

Yeah, it was great. Yeah, and it looks like you were right again.

What do you mean?

Well, you always said that I'd see the benefits of our relationship in the end,

and I mean, well, here we are.

I'm always right. You should know that. That is so true. Hey, Maya, did you want

to get, like, a drink or a dinner or something?

Elliot, are you hitting on me?

Maybe.

I have plans tonight, and I'm flying out first thing in the morning. And plus,

I've already fucked you, so what's the point?

So true.

You do look good, though. Thank you.

What'd you do? Did you replace me or something?

Oh, Erica, trust me, there's no replacing you.

What, have you replaced me?

Yeah, of course.

Oh. But it's not the same.

Well,

I'm not worried about you. I mean, you know, I'm sure there's a lot of weak men

looking for a strong woman to dominate them. Ouch.

I know.

Wow. I do want to tell you, though, that I... I am proud of you.

Oh, um, thank you. That means a lot.

Oh. Gracias, babe.

Jesus, this is Elliot.

Elliot, this is Jesus.

Hey, man.

Nice to meet you. No, no, he doesn't speak English.

Oh, yeah. No, of course not. I really hate to break up the circle, Jerk, but

our next segment is ready and we're on a tight schedule.

Have we met before?

Two minutes.

Let's not make it another two years. Definitely.

If you're in New York, call me.

It's a date.

I am. Bye.

We are gathered here today to witness the union of these two beautiful souls

as one.

Do you, Elliot, take Erica to be your lawfully wedded wife?

To have and to hold, to honor and cherish till death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Erica, take Elliot to be your lawfully wedded husband?

To have, to hold, to honor and cherish.

Till death do you part.

I do.

I pronounce you man and wife.

Let me just cry.