Original subtitles

[BREATHING HEAVILY AND COUGHING]

[GRUNTING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

It's...

ANNOUNCER: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Good evening.

[PIG SQUEALING]

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[WITH AUSTRIAN ACCENT] Hello again, and welcome to the show.

Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths.

Tonight we start with the wonderful death

of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India.

Take it away, Genghis.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Ah!

MAN: Nine-point-one, 9.3, 9. 1.

That's 28. 1 for Genghis Khan.

Bad luck, Genghis.

Nice to have you on the show.

And now, here are the scores.

Well, there you can see the scores, now.

St. Stephen in the lead there, with his stoning.

Then comes King Richard III at Bosworth Field.

A grand death, that.

Then the very lovely Jean d'Arc.

Then Marat in his bath.

Best of friends with Charlotte in the showers afterwards.

Then A. Lincoln of the U.S. of A. A grand little chap, that.

And at number six, Genghis Khan.

And the back marker, King Edward VII.

Back to you, Wolfgang.

Thank you, Eddie.

And now, time for this week's request death.

For Mr. and Mrs. Violet Stebbings of 23 Wolverston Road, Hull,

the death of Mr. Bruce Foster of Guildford.

[WHISTLING]

Strewth!

Argh!

Oh, blimey, how time flies.

Sadly, we are reaching the end of yet another program

and so it is finale time.

We are proud to be bringing to you

one of the evergreen bucket-kickers.

Yes, the wonderful death

of the famous English Admiral Nelson.

NELSON: Kiss me, Hardy!

[PIG SQUEALING]

Good evening, everyone,

and welcome to the second of our Italian language classes

in which we'll be helping you brush up your Italian.

Now, last week we started at the beginning

and we learned the Italian for "a spoon."

Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was.

Not all at once. Sit down, Mario. Giuseppe.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Well done, Giuseppe.

Or, as the Italians would say:

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Well, now, this week

we're going to learn some useful phrases

to help us open a conversation with an Italian.

Now, first of all, try telling him where you come from.

For example, I would say:

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

I am an Englishman from Gerrards Cross.

Shall we all try that together?

[ALL SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Not too bad. Now let's try it with somebody else.

Mr...? Mariolini.

Mr. Mariolini. And where are you from?

Napoli, signor.

You're Italian? Si. Si, Si.

Well, in that case, you would say:

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[MARIOLINI SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

[FRANCESCO SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Yes?

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Signor, my friend, he say, why--?

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

Oh, Helmut, you want the German classes.

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

My friend, he say--

He say, why must I say, "I am Italian from Napoli"

when he lives in Milan?

Oh. Well, tell your friend

if he lives in Milan, he must say:

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

He say, "Milan is better than Napoli."

He shouldn't be saying that. We haven't done comparatives yet.

[ARGUING IN ITALIAN]

[ARGUING IN ITALIAN]

[PIG SQUEALING]

[PIG SQUEALING]

[PIG SQUEALING]

ANNOUNCER: Yes, mothers, new, improved Whizzo butter

containing 10 percent more or less is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab.

Remember, buy Whizzo butter and go to heaven.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.

Yes, you know, we find that nine out of 10 British housewives

can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.

It's true, we can't. Yeah, we can't.

No. Here.

You're on television, aren't you?

Yes, yes.

WOMEN: Oh, yes. Yes.

He does that thing with those silly women

who can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.

You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.

WOMEN: Yeah.

Pull a razor from there to there.

Hello, good evening, and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts.

And we kick off tonight with the cinema.

Good evening. One of the most prolific of film producers of this age,

or indeed any age

is Sir Edward Ross

back in this country for the first time for five years

to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre.

We are very fortunate to have him with us here, in the studio, this evening.

Good evening. Edward--

You don't mind if I call you Edward? No, not at all.

It does worry some people. I don't know why. Perhaps they're a little sensitive.

So I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions.

No, no, no. That's fine.

So Edward's all right. Splendid. Splendid.

I'm sorry to have brought it up, only.

No, no. Edward it is.

Well, thank you very much indeed for being so helpful.

Only it's more than my job's worth to--

Quite. Yes. Makes it rather difficult

to establish a rapport, to put the other person at their ease.

Quite. Silly little point but it seems to matter.

Still, less said, the better.

Um, Ted, when you first started in--

You don't mind if I call you Ted? No, no, no.

No, no. Everyone calls me Ted. Good, good.

It's shorter, isn't it? Yes, yes.

Yes, and much less formal. Yes, Ted, Edward, anything.

Splendid, splendid. Incidentally, do call me Tom.

I don't want you playing around with any of this "Thomas" nonsense.

Now, um, where were we? Oh, yes.

Eddie-baby, when you first started-- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I don't like being called "Eddie-baby."

I'm sorry? I don't like being called "Eddie-baby."

Did I call you "Eddie-baby"? Yes, you did.

Now, get on with it.

Don't think I called you "Eddie-baby." You did call me "Eddie-baby."

Did I call him "Eddie-baby?" MAN 1: Yes!

MAN 2: Yes. MAN 3: No.

I didn't really call you "Eddie-baby," did I, sweetie?

Don't call me sweetie.

Can I call you sugar plum? No.

Pussycat? No.

Angel drawers? No, you may not.

Now get on with it. Frank?

What? Can I call you Frank?

Why Frank? It's a nice name.

Robin Day's got a hedgehog called Frank.

Now, Frank-- What's going on?

Frannie. Little Frannie. Frannie Knickers.

No. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm off. Frannie Knickers.

Um, tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.

What? Tell us about your latest film,

if you'll be so kind, Sir Edward.

None of this "pussycat" nonsense?

Promise. Please, Sir Edward.

My latest film? Yes, Sir Edward.

Well, the idea, funnily enough,

came from an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919.

Of course, in those days I was only a tea boy.

Oh, shut up.

Sir Edward Ross.

Now, later in the program, we will bring you

a unique event in the world of modern art.

Pablo Picasso will be doing a special painting for us

on this program, live, on a bicycle.

This is the first time that Picasso has painted while cycling.

But right now, it's time to look at a man whose meteoric rise to fame--

[PIG SQUEALING]

[GUNSHOT]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

Last week, the Royal Festival Hall

saw the first performance of a new symphony

by one of the world's leading modern composers,

Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson.

Mr. Jackson-- Good evening.

May I just sidetrack you for one moment, Mr. Jackson?

This, uh-- What shall I call it?

--Nickname of yours.

Oh, yes. "Two Sheds."

Yes. How did you come by it?

Well, I don't use it myself.

It's just a few of my friends call me "Two Sheds."

I see. And do you, in fact, have two sheds?

No. No, I have only one shed. I've had one for some time.

But a few years ago, I said I was thinking of getting another one,

and since then, some people have called me "Two Sheds."

In spite of the fact that you have only one?

Yes. I see.

And are you thinking of purchasing a second shed?

No. To bring you in line with your epithet?

No. I see, I see.

Well, let's return to your symphony.

Now then, did you write this symphony in the shed?

No.

Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?

No. It's just a perfectly ordinary garden shed.

I see.

And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in.

No, no. Look. This shed business, it doesn't really matter at all.

The sheds aren't important.

It's just a few friends call me "Two Sheds,"

and that's all there is to it.

I wish you'd ask me about my music. I'm a composer.

People always ask about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion.

I'm fed up with the shed. I wish I'd never got it in the first place.

I expect you're probably thinking of selling one.

I will sell one.

Then you'd be Arthur "No Sheds" Jackson.

Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.

Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to talk about your symphony.

What? Apparently, your symphony

was written for organ and tympani.

What's that? What's what?

It's a shed. Get it off.

All right. Right.

Now then, Mr. Jackson, your symphony.

I understand that you used to be interested in trainspotting.

What?

I understand that about 30 years ago, you were extremely interested in trainspotting.

What's that got to do with my bloody music?

Are you having any trouble from him? Yes, a little.

Well, we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, Two Sheds.

Yes, make yourself scarce, Two Sheds.

This studio isn't big enough for the three of us.

Get your own arts program, you fairy.

Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson.

MICHAEL: Never mind, Timmy. TIMMY: Michael, you're such a comfort.

Arthur "Two Sheds."

Jackson.

And now for more news of the momentous artistic event

when Picasso is doing a specially commissioned painting for us

whilst riding a bicycle.

Pablo Picasso, the founder of modern art--

Without doubt, the greatest abstract painter ever.

--For the first time painting in motion.

But first, let's have a look at the route he'll be taking.

Well, Picasso will be starting, David, at Chichester here.

He'll then cycle on the A29 to Fontwell.

He'll then take the A272,

which will bring him onto the A3, just north of Hindhead here.

From then on, Pablo has a straight run on the A3

until he meets the South Circular at Battersea here.

This is a truly remarkable occasion

as it is the first time that a modern artist of such stature

has taken the A272.

And it'll be very interesting to see how he copes

with the heavy traffic round Wisborough Green. Vicky.

Well, Picasso will be riding his Viking Super Roadster

with drop handlebars and dual-thread wheel rims.

And with his Wiley-Prat 20-1 synchro-mesh,

he should experience difficulties on the road surfaces

they just don't get abroad. Mitzie.

Now, for the latest report on Picasso's progress,

over to Reg Moss on the Guildford bypass.

Well, there's no sign of Picasso at the moment, David,

but he should be through here at any moment.

However, I do have with me Mr. Ron Geppo,

British cycling sprint champion and this year's winner of the Derby-Doncaster rally.

Well, Reg, I think Pablo should be all right, provided he doesn't attempt anything

on the monumental scale of some of his earlier paintings,

like Guernica or Les Demoiselles d'Avignon,

or even his later War and Peace mural for the Temple of Peace chapel at Vallauris.

Because with this strong headwind,

I don't think even Doug Timpson of Manchester Harriers

could paint anything on that kind of scale.

Well, thank you, Ron.

Well, there still seems to be no sign of Picasso,

so I'll hand you back to the studio.

Well, we've just heard that Picasso's approaching the Tolworth roundabout on the A3,

so come in, Sam Trench at Tolworth.

Something certainly is happening here at Tolworth roundabout.

I can now see Picasso.

He's cycling towards the roundabout, about 75, 50 yards away.

And I can now see his painting. It's an abstract.

I can see some blue, some purple. Some little, black oval shapes.

I think I can see-- That's not Picasso, that's Kandinsky.

Good Lord, you're right. It's Kandinsky. Wassily Kandinsky.

And who's this here with him? It's Braque.

Georges Braque, the cubist,

painting a bird in flight over a cornfield and going very fast downhill towards Kingston.

And Piet Mondrian just behind. Piet Mondrian, the neoplasticist.

Then a gap, then the main bunch. Here they come.

Chagall, Max Ernst, Mirb, Dufy, Ben Nicholson, Jackson Pollock

and Bernard Buffet, making a break on the outside here.

Brancusi's going with him. So is Gericault,

Ferdinand Leger, Delaunay, de Kooning.

Kokoschka's dropping back here by a little bit

and so is Paul Klee dropping back a bit.

And right at the back of this group, our very own Kurt Schwitters.

But as yet, He's German.

Absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso.

And so, from Tolworth roundabout, back to the studio.

Well, I think I can help you there.

We're getting reports in from the AA that Picasso--

Picasso has fallen off. He's fallen off his bicycle

on the B2127, just outside Ewhurst

trying to get a shortcut to Dorking via Gomslake and Peashall.

Well, Picasso is reported to be unhurt, but the pig has a slight headache.

And on that note, we must say good night to you.

Picasso has failed in his first bid for international cycling fame.

So from all of us here at the It's the Arts studio, it's good night.

Good night.

[PIG SQUEALING]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

MAN: Hold it.

Sit up.

Sit up.

[GRUNTING]

Sit up.

[GRUNTING]

Sit up.

Argh!

[MEN GRUMBLING AND GRUNTING]

Ah!

[WOMAN AND MEN GRUMBLING AND GRUNTING]

WOMAN: Shh. There's somebody out there.

MAN: Huh?

[BLABBERING]

Help! Help me! I'm trapped in this body.

Oh, please, help me out. Ah!

[CLICK-CLACK, CLICK-CLACK]

[CLANGING]

Help me! Oh, please, help me out!

[BLABBERING]

[CLICK-CLACK, CLICK-CLACK]

[BUZZ]

I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Just checking. Just checking.

[FOOTSTEPS LEAVING]

WOMAN: Oh, no, you don't.

[MAN GRUNTING AND GROANING]

[FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

BOTH: Oh!

WOMAN: There's somebody out there.

[GUNSHOT]

MAN: Ooh!

[GIGGLING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[PIG SNORTING]

Thompson's bought it, sir.

Porker, eh? The swine.

ANNOUNCER:This man is Ernest Scribbler, writer of jokes.

In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world.

And as a consequence, he will die laughing.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[GASPS]

ANNOUNCER: It was obvious that this joke was lethal.

No one could read it and live.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

This morning, shortly after 11:00,

comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road.

Sudden, violent comedy.

Police have sealed off the area

and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

[MAN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[MAN GASPS]

I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music

played on gramophone records

and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division.

The atmosphere thus created should protect me

in the eventuality of me reading the joke.

[CHANTING LAMENTS]

Well, there goes a brave man.

Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered

as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.

[POLICEMAN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Oh!

ANNOUNCER: It was not long before the army became interested

in the military potential of the killer joke.

Under top security, the joke was hurried

to a meeting of Allied commanders at the Ministry of War.

[MEN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[THUD]

[MEN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[THUD]

[MEN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[THUD]

[LAUGHING STOPS]

ANNOUNCER: Top brass were impressed.

Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness

at a range of up to 50 yards.

[LAUGHING]

Fantastic. Fantastic.

All through the winter of '43,

we had translators working in joke-proof conditions

to try and produce a German version of the joke.

They worked on one word each, for greater safety.

One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital.

But apart from that, things went pretty quickly.

And we soon had the joke, by January,

in a form which our troops couldn't understand

but which the Germans could.

[EXPLOSIONS]

[GUNFIRE]

ANNOUNCER: So on July 8th, 1944,

the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes.

[GUNFIRE]

Squad, get the joke.

Squad, tell the joke.

[ALL SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[MEN SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[MEN LAUGHING]

ANNOUNCER: It was a fantastic success.

Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke

and one which Hitler just couldn't match.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

ANNOUNCER: In action, it was deadly.

[GUNFIRE]

[GUNFIRE]

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[LAUGHING]

[GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS]

[SOLDIERS SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[SOLDIERS SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[LAUGHING]

ANNOUNCER: German casualties were appalling.

[LAUGHING]

MAN [WITH GERMAN ACCENT]: What is the big joke?

I can only give you name, rank

and "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

That's not funny!

[CLAPS]

I want to know the joke.

All right.

How do you make a Nazi cross?

I don't know. How do you make a Nazi cross?

Tread on his corns.

[GRUNTING AND GROANING]

That's not funny!

[CLAPPING]

Now, if you don't tell me the joke,

I shall hit you properly.

I can stand physical pain, you know.

Ah, you're no fun.

All right, Otto.

Oh, no. No, anything but that. Please, no.

[LAUGHING]

All right. I'll tell you.

Quick, Otto, the typewriter.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[LAUGHING]

[THUD]

[LAUGHING STOPS]

That's not funny!

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKS GERMAN]

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN RAPIDLY]

[LAUGHING]

ANNOUNCER: But at Peenemfinde, in autumn of '44,

the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

We let you know.

[GUNSHOT]

ANNOUNCER:But by December, their joke was ready.

And Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke

to be broadcast in English.

MAN [ON RADIO, GERMAN ACCENT]: There were zwei peanuts walking down the straBe,

and one was a salted peanut.

[MAN ON RADIO LAUGHING]

In 1945, peace broke out.

It was the end of the joke.

Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention,

and in 1950, the last remaining copy of the joke

was laid to rest here, in the Berkshire countryside,

never to be told again.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[WHISTLES]

[SNORTS]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

ANNOUNCER: And here is the final score:

Pigs, 9, British bipeds, 4.

The pigs go on to meet Vikki Carr in the final.