Original subtitles

- Bunny, I'm so excited you finally decided to visit.

- Well, we always said if we were both single, right?

- Right. I mean, we were two ships passing in the night.

You always had your boyfriend,

I was always, you know, busy.

As I told you, I'm a very busy person.

But now we're at the same harbor, huh?

I can hear the waves crashing.

- I thought I just heard a foghorn.

- [imitating foghorn]

I smell fish.

I mean, not-not on you.

I don't even smell fish. I made that-I'm sorry.

Um...

And, um...

I don't know where these horses came from,

but those are horses.

So...right here, we got the, uh, breakfast foyer

and, um, the entertainment center, of course,

and, uh, balloons, I guess.

- It looks like rubber gloves and condoms.

- Yeah, no, they are.

Um, probably just my roommates' way of saying welcome to you,

'cause they're funny,

and we're never gonna meet them together,

'cause I don't want you to.

- Well, why don't we take this tour to your bedroom?

- I'm not saying I'm gonna be rusty, but-

[gas hissing]

- [high-pitched voice] Hey, Ders.

You want a- you want a haircut?

I'm like a Shear Genius with these scissors.

- Why is this happening?

- Karl's getting married. We're losing a dude.

[all screaming]

- Oh, my God! What the-

[screams]

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- We're not having a wedding in this house ever.

- Well, Ders, I wish you would've brought it up earlier

because it's in, like, five hours,

and we sent a "save the dates" out yesterday.

Did you not get it?

- No, you got it. I slipped one under your door.

Except that I didn't do that

because I forgot to do that

because I was eating Froot Loops.

Dang it. - Our bad.

- Come on, Ders, Hannah's amazing.

I'm changing for her.

- Yep, he's definitely changing.

He sold the rape van, and he quit selling weed, which is...

- Yeah, how stupid.

- A life decision. - Yeah, that's dumb.

- Yeah, and I got glasses to fix the wonky eye.

Can you put 'em on me? - Yep, mm-hmm.

- Nice. - Check that out.

- Check it out. Wonk gone.

- Come on. Weddings.

[squeals]

- No, uh, they're gonna go, and we're gonna-

- No, we've got to help.

- How can we help you guys?

- Are you sure your neighbors won't mind?

- Oh, no. We steal stuff from 'em all the time.

Bikes, lemons, internet. Yeah.

- Garden weasel weaseling over. Whoa.

- Careful.

- Ah! One down, one down.

I think it's really cool you and Ders had a pact

that if you're ever single, you guys would bone each other.

- Did-did you tell them?

- No, I never used the word "bone."

Thank you. - He said, "bone."

- Anyway, we're gonna be over here, guys.

- You know, I used to have a marriage pact.

- That's cool. - It's true.

I was 16. She was 11.

She acted really old, though. She acted like...

13 at least. - That's old.

- I was gonna wait for her,

but then girls in my grade started to develop,

so I sort of went that way.

I wonder how old she is now. - Boobs rule.

- Oh, my goodness.

Tell me these are the arrangements for the wedding.

Thank you, thank you. - Thanks.

- It's a lot of hard work. - This is awesome.

Blake, before I forget,

I really just wanted to give you this.

It's a token of my appreciation

for you being the best best man

in the entire universe.

- Gas masks? - Yeah.

- Is that an antique Zong?

- Yeah. - This is old-school.

- And all your slammers? Very cool.

- All of my slammers, everything.

- Why are you giving this all to me?

- I'm moving on.

That was me, and this is me.

Adam, I'd think about cutting down on the smoking.

- Oh, that isn't weed.

- But this is your favorite stuff.

- Blake, it's like Shakesbeers once penned:

"If you love a girl and you love her a lot,

"then it's your responsibility- nay, your duty-

to change completely to be more similar doth that girl."

- Yeah, doth- doth must change.

- I am changing.

- Shakespeare was a smart dude.

He was the president of Rome. - That is correct.

- Is this tear gas? - Yeah.

I caught that up in a riot in Seattle.

I thought you'd like it.

Adam, how are we doing on the music for the ceremony?

- Well, I told you that I needed money

if I was gonna get anyone good.

So I haven't really-

Plus it's not all about you today, man.

Look at me, I'm dateless.

You have love. I have nothing.

I have nothing in my life.

I'm an unlovable, dateless loser.

- Okay, so here is my entire life savings

in $100 bills.

I give it to you so that you

can get a band that is very classy.

I'm thinking Primus or Green Day.

Them or Jakob Dylan.

- Did you just say "Jakob Dylan"?

- Wallflowers' Jakob Dylan?

- That Jakob Dylan.

- I know what I have to do.

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Was that-

Hyah! That's a stopping sound.

Good work.

[knocking at door]

Guess who came back for you.

- Oh, yeah. We're done.

We're done. Nice job.

What do you say we hit the sack?

- Anders. - Come on.

- You said we would help. - Okay, I-I'm sorry.

I'm not being sensitive. You're probably not in the mood.

We're out here sweating under the hot sun.

Give me your hands. Let's play a game.

It's called, "How close can you get to me without kissing me?"

This close. - Uh-oh.

- Come on. Jesus! - Looks like love is in the air.

- Scared the hell out of me, man.

- Oh, my gosh. These are looking great.

Bunny, you're doing an excellent job.

Those look beautiful. - Thank you.

- Uh, Anders, if you could do me a favor

and put the red ones to the outside

and the white ones on the inside,

that'd be much appreciated.

It's just a tad bit classier.

- So you want this to be classier?

- Yeah.

- None of this is gonna be classy,

because it's your wedding,

and you're dirty brown water trash.

And you're always going to be dirty brown water trash.

- Why are you so mean to him?

He seems like a total sweetheart.

- He seems? You don't know him, okay?

This is the guy who borrows

my VHS autographed copy of D. A. R. Y. L.

and then never returns it.

- I'm sorry. Who is Daryl?

- What's D. A. R. Y. L.? D. A. R. Y. L. is a movie.

It's, like, the best movie ever made about an android boy

that, like, just wanted to be a real human child,

but didn't know-

- Well, it sounds awful.

- Yeah. - No, the movie.

- The movie's great.

You're thinking of A. I., which was still pretty good.

- I was 16. You were 11.

My mom paid you to help me with my math.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm a rich dude now,

and I came to proclaim my love.

So look at the top hat

and also the $70 dress that I got you,

$22 in flowers, $66 in jelly beans.

Is that buttered popcorn? [sniffs]

Yeah, it is. Your favorite. And I remember that.

And that's not scary that I remembered it at all.

- What is this for?

- We were already supposed to be tongue-deep

in each other by now, so this is awkward.

You forgot about our marriage pact, didn't you?

Yeah, 'cause you said that when you were 18

that we would get married under the moonlit sky,

and I would buy you Apple Pucker,

and we would both drink it into the night.

But I'm not ready for that right now,

so put it back in your pants, okay?

I'm just looking for a date to my drug dealer's wedding,

and quite frankly, you developed into-

just a real sexy broad.

Those-those are some real classy dogs up top.

They're barking at me. - I'm Melissa's father.

Can I help you?

♪♪

- ♪ Boys are fresh ♪

♪ I came here ♪ - ♪ To do what? ♪

- [playing harmonica]

- So...

I was thinking for the dinner beverage,

we have a Four Loko Watermelon from '09.

That's when it was still, like, you know, the good stuff.

- Looks fucking stupid.

- Okay. Talk to me.

- All right, man.

Hannah's this fancy chick who works at a credit union.

And me?

I'm stupid, dumb, ugly brown water trash.

- Don't say that.

- Maybe I should just call it off.

- I'll stand by that decision.

- It's just that she makes me so happy, you know?

She lets me pork her while she's sleeping.

- Sleep assault? - Yeah.

- That's your favorite. - I know.

- I mean, that's love.

- Now you know what I'm dealing with.

- Okay, I think I know what we're gonna do.

We're gonna throw you

the classiest, bestest wedding that we can!

- I apologize for saying, "big-titted freak show."

I will say that.

But I have a marriage pact with your daughter,

and we love each other, so...

Hi, Dad.

- I lied to you, okay?

I wasn't 11. I was 9.

I'm 16 right now, not 18.

- Wow.

- I wasn't even attracted to you.

I just used you to get rides to B.K.

I'm so sorry. - Okay.

You wouldn't happen to have a connection

with singer-songwriter Jakob Dylan, would you?

- Shouldn't we be helping?

There's still a lot more flowers to do,

and I know they need more chairs outside.

- Well, they don't. It'll be fine.

I want to give you the rest of that tour.

- Okay.

- Wha-why does this keep happening to me?

- Get out!

- Get out? You get out!

This is my room in my house.

That's my hair dryer. It's not even for women.

- No, I need that. - Stop it.

[all gasp]

- Oh! - Okay.

- You just ruined the bride's dress.

- The sequins ruined the dress.

I just spilled wine on it,

and I'm not feeling bad about it at all.

- You have some real problems.

- Yeah, I have some problems.

One, two, three problems.

I got 40 problems in the front yard,

10 in the backyard.

These are people running around my house

when I'm just trying to buck my soul mate.

Because that's the way I feel about you.

It's been so long, and I feel like

we got this connection going.

But we can't do anything because they're having this wedding!

Look, I'm sorry. Let me be honest.

I just haven't bucked in, like, a year and a half,

and I'm trying to buck.

Your butt cheeks are driving me insane.

Let me buck you.

- I don't do bucking.

- How's it going?

Beverages in the back. Help yourself.

Good to see you.

I do not know who they are. Where are all your friends?

These are, like, real showered humans.

- No, they're all Hannah's friends from the credit union.

They had suits, so I invited them, dude.

I'm trying to class it up.

I couldn't have Hannah meeting all my scumbag friends.

Except for Sewer Dwayne. He's here.

He's running around with, uh, no shirt, overalls.

- Nice. - You seen him?

- Yeah, I know Sewer Dwayne.

Good, good, good, good, good guy.

Hey, Ders. We got any more chairs?

I need some more chairs.

- Check the south side of the house!

- Never eat shredded...

- Wheat. - There we go.

[indistinct talking and laughter]

[chuckles]

- Oh, I'll run to your hills, girl.

- Sewer Dwayne, you dog.

- [moaning]

- You don't have 40s.

I-you know, I'll call the cops on you.

You threatening me?

I'll call the- I'll call the cops on you.

- Spare some change?

- How about you spare me your bad attitude, okay?

I'm sick of girls

thinking they can take and take and take from me,

'cause I'm done giving.

A little slurp for you, a little slurp for me.

A little-what? Oh, you're ignoring me now?

Oh, 'cause you guys are fucking.

Take a little. - Do you need a hand?

- No, I'm good. Thank you.

- Let me help.

I feel bad for trying to mooch.

- Oh, okay. Okay.

Wow, you're being very pleasant.

Most human girls are very mean to me.

- No. - Like, I'm more of a-

I'm kind of an animal guy. What are you doing?

Ow, stop it! - Suck it, bitch!

- Give me back my malt liquor!

- [laughs] - You get back here!

- [laughs] You run like-

- Give it!

Give it to me! You thief! - No! No! No! No!

[both screaming]

- Hey. - Hi.

- Are you a size four?

- Blake, I'm getting real nervous, man.

Hannah's not here yet.

I'm about to have a cow, dude.

- Oh, Karl, come on.

You're gonna be fine, huh?

She's the one, right?

- She is. She's the one. - Hey, baby.

- Hey! There's my baby doll.

Blake, I'd love for you to meet Hannah.

- Hi.

- [stammers] Hi.

- ♪ You gotta, gotta be fresh ♪

- So, um, I should be getting ready.

It was nice to meet you.

- Yeah, I met you too. - I'll see you guys.

- Do that, babe. You look great already.

- Thank you.

- Isn't she just fucking classy?

- Well, yeah.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- We should probably talk about something, I'm thinking.

- [trumpet impression] Presenting...

Mr. and Mrs. Adam "Kill Zone" DeMamp.

This is Rachel.

She's hot as hell. She's not homeless.

- We're gonna get fucked up, right?

- Yeah, we're gonna get fucked up, definitely.

Whatever you want. - Hey, Adam.

See you got a date there. - Hey. Mm-hmm.

- Probably wondering where mine went.

- I'm not, really.

- We didn't even buck, and she left,

and it's Karl's fault, so I'm gonna make him pay.

- Yeah, definitely, definitely, definitely.

This is my date. Her name is Rachel.

She's never been homeless, so scoreboard for me.

- Hang on to her, man. - Count that.

- What have you got? - It doesn't last forever.

- I got, uh, booze-

- Dude, I wanna take a fucking header to the dome.

- Okay, uh, real drugs. Not my cup o' tea.

- Where's your medicine cabinet?

- It's this way.

Sometimes, I-I take a bunch of Ambien

and see how long I can masturbate.

- You're such a pussy.

- So, uh, what were you- what were you telling me?

You had something to tell me?

- Uh...yes, I did. I did.

Uh, Sewer Dwayne. - Right.

- I caught him munchin' buhzoombuhs like-

like cinnamon rolls, basically.

- Oh, my God. Speaking of buhzoombuhs...

Mommy!

- [laughs] Oh!

- Blake, I'd love for you to meet the best mommy

in the entire universe, my mommy.

Mommy, this is Blake.

- Miss Karl, hey, I wish it was better circumstances.

I'm joking. And congratulations.

This is gonna be fucking wild.

- Oh.

- You see, today is the most special day

of my entire existence,

and I realize now that if anything were to go wrong,

I would probably just fucking kill myself like my dad.

- Hey, Hannah, are you in there?

Hannah. - What do you want?

- I just need to talk to Hannah very, very-

- Okay, well, she's busy,

and another guy already ruined her dress, so...

- Okay, I didn't do that. - No boys allowed.

- But I- [grunts]

Okay. Hmm.

- It's so starchy.

- Need a hand there, partner?

- Uh, yeah, sure. I appreciate it, braj.

- My pleasure.

So you ready for the big day?

- Oh, a thousand times yes.

I love Hannah so much. - Mm-hmm.

- She works at a credit union, man.

She's really, really classy.

Did I tell you that?

- You did. Very cool.

- So what about you and Bunny?

You think there's a future there?

- Nope, not anymore.

- Really? Why not? She was cool.

- She sure was, but she's gone.

And we never bucked, so... What are you gonna do?

I got my eye on somebody else, though.

- Nice. - Yeah.

There we go. Perfect.

Now, if you don't mind, Karl,

I'm gonna go buck your mom.

- No!

[blender whirring]

- Oh, my God. Oh.

This is delicious.

- It's a mixture of red wine, painkillers, cough syrup,

and bath salts.

A lot of bath salts.

- Is that safe?

- Not for your brain. - Oh.

- But it's the best high we're gonna have tonight.

- [imitating Mrs. Doubtfire] Hello!

Euphegenia Henderson, my dear.

I'm the great-great-grandmother of the bride.

How is my lovely?

- I can see your face, idiot.

Take off her dress and leave us alone.

You're not funny.

- [still as Mrs. Doubtfire] Hello!

Hannah?

[big band music]

- Oh, you're wonderful. Remember, I taught you?

- I do, I do. I know. That was awesome.

[music stops]

Ders, what are you doing?

- I'm just, uh, looking for the hole in the ceiling,

because I'm pretty sure you fell from heaven.

Hi, I'm Anders.

- Oh, wow, I like him.

- Mommy, this is Ders, and Ders is evil,

and he needs to leave.

- Karl, I'm not evil.

Well, maybe I am. I don't know.

But seriously, I just wanted to show you guys a few steps,

a few moves that I know, that could, you know,

help you out tonight on the dance floor.

- Really? - Mommy, no.

- First things first- let's, uh, switch this beat up.

[R&B music playing]

Now we're talking.

You bring the rhythm. I'll bring the blues.

- Ooh. Black music.

- Yes.

You know, when I'm dancing,

I like to see how close I can get without kissing.

I find it very erotic.

But sometimes, you got to save that...for later.

Okay?

So, uh, Karl, the bow tie, come on.

[whispers] I can do anything I want with her.

Okay? Hey, great meeting you.

I'll see you out there? - Lovely meeting you.

- Well, it's, uh, go time,

unless, uh, we're thinking maybe we don't want a go time.

Welcome, everyone, to the marriage

of Karl Carlos Hevacheck,

and...Hannah.

Well, let's just get right off t-t-to the important stuff.

Does anybody here have an objection?

Does anybody object to the marriage?

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Any objections?

Oh! Ha-ha! I knew it.

Yes, sir, what's your object-

No? Well, you moved a little.

- I think we're good, Blake. - Okay. All right.

Last call, any objections?

Yes, I have an objection. Yep, that's right.

I have an objection because I saw this girl

basically just getting the butter

sucked out of her boobs by Sewer Dwayne.

That's right. Karl, I'm sorry.

I had to tell you this

because I'm just a really good friend of yours,

and you're changing for all the wrong reasons.

- Okay, whatever.

I was just trying to piss my parents off

by marrying water trash.

And then you started dressing all weird and-

- We were gonna have a house in the suburbs.

We were gonna have babies,

and then those babies were gonna suck on your titties.

- What the fuck is up with your hair?

- It's for you. - It's stupid.

- It's classy. It's like yours.

Hannah, I might be water trash,

but I'm also a water human.

- That doesn't even mean anything.

- Mommy, let's-

Mommy? Blake, where's Mommy?

- I- - She's with Ders.

Mommy! Mommy!

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.

- I got it!

I'll take care of it.

Hey, gang.

I know that we saw one love

dissolve into oblivion.

But did we see another love blossom into fruitation?

- Can I have my fucking drink back, please?

- Rachel, this is for you.

Jakob Dylan, hit it.

[pop ballad music]

♪ I don't care if you're drunk and you're toothless ♪

♪ I don't care if your body stinks ♪

♪ I don't care that you live in an alley ♪

♪ 'Cause them titties make my heart sing ♪

♪ I don't care if you eat from a Dumpster ♪

♪ I don't care that you beg for change ♪

♪ I don't care that I don't really know you ♪

♪ 'Cause those titties make my heart insane ♪

♪ I wanna suck ♪

♪ Suck on your boobs ♪

♪ Maybe some kisses ♪

♪ And back to the booze ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Let them say ♪

♪ What they want ♪

- Are we gonna do this, braj?

- So you have a wonky eye too? Okay, wow.

- ♪ Oh, whoa, ho, ho, yeah ♪

[music drops out] ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

What are you lookin' at?

- Mommy!

Did you buck Mommy?

- No, Karl, I didn't buck Mommy.

For a second, I imagined having a kid that was part you,

and my dick went back inside my body.

Happy? - Cool. Thank you.

- Let's shut this stupid party down.

- Okay, all right, show's over, you credit union dickheads!

- Tear gas! Incoming!

- Adam, cover your face. - Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Ooh.

Whoo!

- Thanks for coming.

- Thank you!

- Get out of here!

- Don't forget your gift bags.

- We're good. We can take 'em off.

- Well, it's good to have you back, Karl.

Uh, here's all your stuff.

- Thank you, thank you.

And it's great to be back, you know?

Gonna grow my hair out again.

Gonna get the rape van back somehow.

But, uh, until then, hey, Ders...

This is for you, man. - Whoo!

- Consider it a present for not fucking my mom.

I really appreciate that.

- No way, man. My D. A. R. Y. L. tape.

Cool. - Yeah.

- Wait a second. This isn't it.

It's Out of Control. - Mm-hmm.

- My favorite compilation. - Yes!

- Definitely gonna buck myself to that tonight.

Thanks, man. - Nice, man. Friends?

- No. I-I want my tape.

- Where's-where's my date?

She left without even saying good-bye?

- To her credit, we did just teargas everyone.

Also, she's insane.

- You know, it might be the bath salts talking,

but I love that girl.

- Awesome.

- Dude, if you're in love with her,

then we need to go find her, like, now.

- She spends most of her time under a bridge on 12th Street.

She's got a box. It's a good little spot.

- Uh, fastest way there is the 405.

- Really?

Let's take this thing on the freeway!

- Yeah, baby! - Oh, let's do it!

- ♪ I wanna suck ♪

- Get 'em, Adam. Make 'em go faster.

- ♪ Suck on your boobs ♪

- All right, well,

they're gonna continue going this pace.

Just two horsepower, so... - Okay.

- Nice.

[dog snorting, noisemaker toots]

Retail subrip by jeem.