All language subtitles for workaholics.s01e08.1080p.bluray.x264-hd4u

- Yo.

♪ Karl got his vaporizer
delivered to the house ♪

- Nice.

- Let's just get vaped out
right now.

I'm looking to get weird.

Whoa, hey, cool guy.

Fedora brother.
7-Eleven hat rack.

They've got deals.

People forget that they have
more than just,

you know, old hot dogs.

- No. No, no, no.

Adam, come on, man.
One fedora per crew.

- No, I'm pretty sure
the more fedoras, the better.

'Cause I look like
I'm in a ska band right now,

like I'm in Reel Big Fish.

- I beg to differ.

We're not a house
full of Cubans, man.

We're white dudes.

We got to be careful,

'cause we can be
very unfashionable very quickly.

- Mrs. Lawler,
it's almost after dark.

If you dress like that,
you're asking for it.

Hey, why don't you losers
try an organized sport for once?

Hey, slow down!

This is not the speedway.

This neighborhood
is on lockdown.

Hoo.

[bag unzips]

Honestly.

Yeah, hello.

Hi, yeah, I want to report
a robbery in progress right now.

Who am I?

I'm the goddamn
Neighborhood Watch.

Oh, sorry.
For legal reasons?

Um, it's Anders Holmvik.

It's okay, girls.

Sheriff Holmvik laid down
the law in a major way.

Now, why don't we say
bye-bye to-

- Hey, what did I do to you,
Ders?

You know, we're more alike
than you even know, man.

This is not gnar.
Not gnar!

- Blake's friend
and my weed dealer, Karl.

- Great, Ders.

This is the second time
in my life

that I just really
don't like you.

- Now where am I supposed to buy
my weed from, huh?

'Cause I'm not gonna get
my ass kicked

by that high school kid again.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- Ugh, how many times do I have
to explain this to you?

If you see the neighbor's house
getting broken into,

it's probably just Karl
high out of his mind,

thinking he's locked
out of our house.

- I said I'm sorry.

- Okay, well, you're not sorry,

because you're popping
a straight-up bone cone

over that damn newspaper.

- "The suspect was apprehended
after the RCPD

was tipped off by eyewitness
Anders Holmvik."

"Tipped off."
"Eyewitness."

I'm basically Darkwing Duck.

- No, you're basically an idiot,

because we blazed
the last of our-

[softly]
We blazed the last of our weed,

and you know I can't eat
unless I've smoked.

- Adam Bear needs to eat.

- [roars pathetically]
- You know that.

- I'm gaunt right now.

- I think you suckers
are just jealous

that I'm in the newspaper and-
you have a picture

of a dude's dick
on your computer, man.

- Whoa, yeah, you do.

You are perverted.

- Okay, this is not
what it looks like, okay?

- Okay.
- No, I'm serious.

I'm part of the Rancho Cucamonga

Justin Bieber Fan Club.

- That, I get.
The guy's infectious.

- Yeah, he has, like,
crazy pipes.

- Yeah, but this guy,
bieberhole69,

keeps sending me pictures
of his dong because he-

well, he thinks
I'm a little boy.

- Why does he think that?

- Well, I tell them that I'm 11

so that people don't think
I'm, like, old and weird.

- That's weird, though.
- Well.

- That's a good idea.
- Hey, guys.

- Jillian, hey.

Did, uh, bieberhole69
send you one of...

- Oh, my God, that guy sends me
the most suggestive photos.

- What is he suggesting?

- Like, little ding-dong
competitions.

- Ugh.
- I know.

I'm like, "I'm not in.
I don't have one."

I say that I'm 11

so that people don't think
I'm old and weird.

- We just talked about that.

- I just don't want children
to have to be

dodging full-grown
male penises.

- That makes sense to me.

- Well, they should be
basking in the glory

that is J to the Bieber.

- Yeah.
- And he's got moves.

He moves like water,
like a water bed.

- He does.

He's got the best bangs in music
since '80s Metallica.

- Great bangs.
- Oh, my God.

He just does this.
Fft.

He just does swish.
- He's a good kid.

- The kid is a hell of a talent.

- And that is why we're
bringing down bieberhole69.

- Yes, I am so down.

- Yes.
- Team Bieber.

- Wait.
We have to bust this dude?

- Yes, Ders.
I mean, come on.

Imagine this little headline:

"Dude Fucking Throws Pervert
In Prison Forever."

Little picture of you
right there.

- Okay, that's kind of cool.
I'm down with that.

Adam, what do you say?

- Yeah, count me in.

I'm just gonna rip
this guy's heart out, right?

And just take the heart
and suck on a cockle.

That came out weird,
but I'm gonna do that.

I'm sweating right now.

Why am I sweating so badly?
- We got to get you some weed.

Seriously,
you got to just chill out.

- Let's bust
this butthole surfer.

Okay, so I'm just gonna reply
to bieberhole69's post, okay?

- Oh, dude, you should say,
"Hey, I'm ten years old,

"but I'm built like
an eight-year-old,

so come and get it."

- No, don't write that.

- And then capitalize
"come get it."

- Don't write that. Listen.
- Capitalize it.

- These guys need
to be romanced, okay?

They're extremely lonely people.

You got to make them
feel special, desired.

- They want
naughty little boys, dude.

So we have to be
naughty little boys, okay?

If they want peach fuzz,
we have to-

- No, Adam.
They need to be loved, okay?

They're trying to regain
a lost childhood.

- Okay, no,
they're looking for peach fuzz-

[computer chimes]
- I got him.

He's coming over tomorrow.

- What did you say?

- I said, um, "I'm ten.
Come over tomorrow."

Ooh, yeah.
Come on, princess.

Give it to me.
Whoo!

We are gonna pulverize this guy.

[doorbell rings]
- Shh. Stop. He's here.

Come on.
Here's the plan.

We get him inside,
we whup his ass,

call the cops,
take a picture for the paper,

and become heroes
to Bieberites everywhere.

- He's probably gonna
write a song about you, dude.

- Oh, man, if he hasn't already.

[doorbell ringing]

- [screams]

- HEY-

- Who are you looking for?

- Yo, you know what?

I think maybe I have
the wrong address, actually.

Sorry, bro.

Hey, um...

is that the Vapetron
right there,

with, uh, aluminum chassis
and combustion chamber?

- Yeah. It is.

Why'? Do you smoke?

- Yeah.

But never with the 'Tron.

- [laughs] Us either, actually.

We...
don't have weed right now.

It's a real issue in my life.

- Well, throw out a flag
and push me back ten yards...

♪ 'Cause I'm holding ♪

- What?

You just said the magic words.

You got beer, video games.

What's that thing on your back?

- That?
Oh, that's just a real gun.

Psych.
That's a potato gun.

- Potato gun?
Guys!

Meet my new buddy here...

who we should not punch.

- What up? I'm Topher.

[whooshing]

All: Oh!
[glass shatters]

[all cheering]

- Oh, man.

- Oh, man, Toph.
This weed is the realness.

- Yeah, that's actually
the stuff that, uh,

kept me off the team in '04,
if you can believe that much.

- I can't believe we were
at Olympic trials the same time.

That's nuts.

- Oh, I can believe it,

'cause you were there
selling goggles-

- So we were there together.
- Yes, technically.

- Hey, uh, could we get
a picture together?

- Yeah, if you don't mind
if I take a piss

off your roof first.

- I would mind if you didn't
take a piss off our roof.

[laughter]

- Oh, man.

Oh, yo, I had some
tight-ass plans for today,

but I knock on the wrong door,
and I meet you fellas.

Dude, that's balling.

- Topher is the man,

and he's pissing off our roof
right now.

That is balling.

- He's the baller
I was supposed to be.

- That's how cool he is.

He's not afraid to piss
off of a stranger's roof.

That's balling.

- Yeah, he balls.
- He balls, big-time.

- Yeah, for sure.
- Okay, yes.

It's safe to say
that he's the ballingest guy

we've ever met.

But let's not forget
why he came here-

to butt-ram a boy.

So let's focus, please.

- It sounds so gross
when you say it that way.

- Yeah, I forgot he was here
to do that.

- Gross.
- Hey, you guys.

What do you say
we take this party downtown

and go to Club Damnation, huh?

- I'm afraid we got
some bad news, Topher.

- I'm in. Ders?

- I just got to get
my deep V-neck.

- Except you guys got
to take off those hats.

- ♪ I love it when she make
her booty bounce ♪

♪ Bounce, b-bounce, bounce,
make her booty bounce ♪

- There's, like,
50 Beyoncé Knowles in here,

and I'm seeing some booty sweat.

- Everyone here
is a brand whore.

And I like it.
It's great.

Smells like laser tag.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, it does.
That's that smell.

- In a good way, though.
- Yeah.

- Hey, yo, what up, guys?

Let me introduce you
to my friends.

This is Jess, Bree,
and over here, we got Shanna.

- HEY-

- Hi.
- Hi.

- So where are you girls
living at nowadays?

- We live
at the Penthouse penthouse.

- Oh, you do do?

[laughter]
- I do do what?

- Uh, you said,
"Penthouse penthouse,"

so I repeated, "do do,"
'cause-

- Hey, bro, chill out.

They live
in the Penthouse penthouse.

That's just like
the Playboy mansion,

only this time,
it's much more doper.

All these pretty chicks
running around,

penetration
and pissing on the floor,

if that's what you're into.

- Ah!

- Oh, and we met Topher
at one of the Penthouse parties.

- Oh, my God.

- You gonna bring them
next Saturday?

- Maybe if they want to come.

- Yeah!
- For sure.

- I mean, we'll see.
- We'll see, yeah.

We'll probably be a little busy.

Oh, yeah,
we might have something

we're getting into,
checkin' out the-

What are you doing?

Are you beating my high score
on Brick Breaker?

Don't you dare. What?

Hello.
Okay, that's a number.

It's, uh-it's official.
All right.

[laughs nervously] Ah!

- Hey, why don't you guys
meet me back at the VIP booth

in, like, five minutos?

That's Spanish for "minutes."

- ♪ 'Cause watching you
is driving me insane ♪

[women giggling]

- You're so hot.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho!

" Oh!

Whoa, my God.

She just totally
touched both my nipples

with one hand at the same time.

- I like her mouth.
- Chill out.

It's on, because I told them
that you guys were coke dealers.

And all three of them
have really bad coke problems.

- Appreciate it, Toph,
but got to check one thing for-

How mow.

She actually gave me
her real number.

There's a second time
for everything.

This is real.
This is happening.

This is my life!
This is my life!

- Hey, Topher.

So how do you know the bouncer?

- Oh, Vince?

We went to middle schools
together.

- Wait, uh, schools?

- School.
Middle school.

- Yeah, I-
You said "schools."

- No, I didn't.
School. One school.

- Look, Topher,
we know what the deal is.

Um, or should I call you
bieberhole69?

- Hey, ladies, you know what?

Can you give us a second,
please?

- Wait.
- No.

- No, you know what?
They need to leave.

Can you please excuse us
for a second?

Thank you very much.

- I don't get you, dude.

You're, like, handsome as hell.

- Thank you.

- And you have just swagger
for days.

You could get those chicks
if you wanted.

- Okay, thank you.
- You're a swagger hound.

You take
everyone else's swagger.

You hound it.

- You're a swagger hound.
I don't get it.

You know?
It's, like, wasted talent.

It's like if Picasso
quit making music

and just started
fucking little dudes every day.

- I'm understanding
where you're coming from.

You guys are not understanding
where I'm coming from, okay?

Because it's like,

do we really need to talk
about this right now?

- All we're saying

is that you were coming over
to our house

to bang a little dude.

- Yes.

I was gonna have sex
with a little dude, yes.

- Okay, shh.
Let's bring it down.

Music's loud, not that loud.

What if you just had sex
with men

that were of legal age?

- That's a great idea.
- I'm not gay, dude.

You're offending me.

- Gay? You're not gay?
But you-

I don't know, then.
I don't know, then.

- Okay, well,
you know what I know?

Maybe actually you guys
aren't ready

for the Penthouse penthouse.

Maybe that's what's up.

Maybe you guys-
- No, no, no.

- You guys aren't dressed
up to standards

because of your dorky
Canadian outfits.

- What?
- Maybe that.

Maybe I should call-
Hey, Vince. Come here.

- No!
- We're cool, Vince.

- Yeah, hey, are we cool?

- Yeah, we're good, man.
- Oh, oh, we're cool, Blake?

- We're fine.
- Hey, you know what, Vince?

We're good.
- Let's chill out.

Let's get some more drinks.
You got those coupons, right?

- Yes, that is what I'm saying.

- And let's just make tonight
a tight butthole, dude.

- Tight butthole.
- Tight butthole.

- Yeah. Well, you probably
shouldn't say it.

- No, I know.
I was saying-

But I'm just saying,
your guys' way.

- ORGY-

all: Mm.

- Thank you, you guys.

To know that those Beliebers

don't have to be bothered
by that creep anymore,

it's a huge weight
off my shoulders.

- Yeah,
I almost killed that guy.

It was pretty dangerous.

I stabbed him, like,
35 times in the face

and body and neck area.

And then
they just took him to prison.

He was bleeding everywhere
in the cop car.

It was super sad.
- Impressive.

- The streets
are safe now, Jillian.

- Yeah.
- Everything's gonna be fine.

You know what?
We had a good time doing it.

- Yeah, it was great.
It was a great time.

- Well, I'll let
my little crime fighters

getback
to the old Superman cave.

But, uh, out of curiosity,

what did this creep look like?

- You know what?
Not creepy at all.

Very normal.
- Real hunk, actually.

He had a dimple.
Uh, he was, uh...

had long blond dreadlocks.

He had, like,
a hook for a hand-

- Hey.
I got lunches for you guys.

So, um-

Hey, who's that chick
right there?

- Um, Jillian.
Jillian, uh, Topher.

Topher, Jillian.

- Hey, what up? I'm Topher.
I'm friends with the guys now.

- So, uh, how do you guys
know each other?

- Oh, we know each other-
- No, we'll tell the story.

- 'Cause it's funny.
- It's a good story.

We'll tell it.
We'll tell it.

- We met-
a little trick of fate-at...

- Softball rehearsal.
- Rehearsal.

- Softball rehearsal.
- Yeah.

- You guys never told me that
you were in a play together.

- Yeah.
- We're telling you now.

- Yeah, it was a huge-
it was a success.

It was called
Soft. . Pitch.

It was kind of like
A League Of Their Own, but-

- But with dudes.
- Yeah.

- We're the dudes.
- Yeah, we're the dudes in it.

Very similar.
- Oh, okay.

- I'm Geena Davis.
- Wow.

Did I ever tell you guys
about my brief stint

as a flying monkey in Wicked

at the Toledo Repertory
Theater Company?

- No, you didn't tell us that.
- No?

Okay, well, I'll tell you
in great detail.

They called me "harness bitch"
the entire time,

which was cool and weird,

so I was a little bit
50/50 on it.

[phone ringing]
Oh, shoot. I got to get that.

- Shucks.

- Right in the middle
of the good parts.

- Man.
- Oh.

- That was funny.

- All right, Topher,
you know what?

You cannot be here, man,

because that girl is, like,
the main reason

we To Catch A Predator-ed you.

- Hey, you guys know you have

a really Victorian attitude
towards sex.

What do you think that the '60s
was all about, dude?

- Civil rights?

- Yeah, exactly,
civil rights, dude.

Man, I'm sick
of getting persecuted and judged

for being a sexual maven, man.

I'm not gonna stand
for that anymore, man.

- Okay, yeah, all right.
Let's try an experiment.

You love ten-year-old boys,
right?

- 10 to 12.
- Okay.

But what's the closest thing...

to a ten-year-old boy?

They're legal.
They're female.

They're flexible as hell.

- Right? I mean, it's perfect.
They're, like, 90 pounds.

- Plus, they don't menstruate.

- Yeah, and you're not even
the creepiest guy here.

Check out this dude.

- Topher,
if you don't jump on them,

I will quickly get busy
in that foam pit

with all of them.

- I guess they're okay,
like, from the back.

- All right, well,
you know what?

We're gonna hook you up
like you hooked us up, bud.

Let's do this.
- Let's do this.

- No way.
- Oh, yeah.

- Hello, ladies.

- HEY-
- HEY-

- We are big fans of yours.
Nice short program.

- Ders.
Wow, that was rude. I'm sorry.

I don't think
you're short at all.

And our friend over there

actually thinks
you're really attractive.

- Seriously'?
- Mm-hmm.

- 'Sup?

- Oh, my God. He's hot.
- Yeah.

He's, uh-
he's actually single

and looking
for an adult relationship

with a-another adult.

- And if he doesn't choose
one of you,

I'm also single.

So if you guys
wanted to hang out,

I can touch my toes-
pretty flexible.

- Okay. Down, boy!
[laughs nervously]

Uh, honestly, you should
give him a shot, though,

'cause, uh“.

Where did he go?

The boys' locker room.
Really'?

- How could you bail on
that little Sporty Spice, dude?

We had an experiment.

- I was conducting
my own experiment.

Look, check it out.

- God damn it, dude.

- Come on, man,
nothing happened.

They were brunette.

- Okay, how can you
totally pull off a fedora

and be such a creep
at the same time?

- Oh, I'm creepy again.
Right?

- Yes, you are.
You're creepy.

- Okay, well, maybe you guys
are too good

to get creepy
over at the Penthouse penthouse.

Come on, go get the underwear.

- Get 'em.

- Go get it.
- Damn it!

- You got-
Okay, go! Go. Go.

- Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.

- Body shot, still died.

Head shot.

Hey, who wants to take over
for me?

I got to go check my emails.

Where can I do that?
- Right here.

My, uh, laptop's right there.

- Oh, thanks, dude.

You guys are awesome.

- Guys,

we got to end this.

- What? Dude, no.
Just two more days.

- Not until we go to the
Penthouse penthouse, all right?

You weren't leaning against
your girl's breasts like I was

at Club Damnation.

- The Penthouse penthouse
is a symbol

that we've made it,
that we've arrived.

We're this close to being cool.

- We're this close to seeing
pierced vaginae, Blake.

And that's it for me.
I'll retire after that happens.

- Yeah.

- What don't you see about that?

You don't get it.

- Oh. It's Jillian.

- Well, then answer the phone.
- Answer it.

- Think about someone else
for once.

- Pierced vaginae.

[phone ringing]

- Hello.
- Hey, Blake, it's Jillian.

- Oh, hey, Jillian.
What's up, girl?

- Oh, nothing.

Hey, I was just calling
to double-check

about that bieberhole guy.

He's in jail, right?

- Oh, great, now she's asking
about Topher.

- So just tell her about Topher.
- Lie to her.

- Why don't you lie to her?

- Why don't you be
a better friend and lie to her?

- Um, yeah, he's in jail.

He's probably nestling up
to his cell mate right now.

- Hmm. Interesting.

Uh, but you know
what confuses me?

I just logged in
to the chat room,

and a bieberhole69 asked me to,

"pull out my little-boy
ding-dong."

What's even weirder
is that he has his webcam on,

and he looks just like
your friend from the other day.

Even weirder, you guys
are standing right behind him.

How do you explain that,
party boys?

- Uh, seriously, Jillian,

it's, uh-
it's not our fault.

It's-it's really
a funny story, actually.

- Look, I already called
the police.

They're on their way.

Don't let him go.

Blake,

you've got to ask yourself,
are you a true Belieber?

I belieb you are.

[computer beeps]

- Hi, guys.

Um, I'm actually gonna go do
a bunch of errands

right now, so...

- You know we have to stop you.

- Yeah. Yeah.
It's cool.

Let me just get my fedora

and throw all the Vapetron
up in the air.

[all yelling at once]

- Go. Go, man.

- What are you doing?

Are you gonna help,
or are you just gonna-

- If I don't put away
our drug stuff,

we're gonna go to prison
along with Topher.

- All right, good call.
Double true.

Here comes
the Neighborhood Watch,

motherfucker.

[imitates car engine revving]

- Oh, yeah, baby!

Topher,

this spud's for you.

[gun pops]

[potato whooshing]

" [Q runts]
- Oh!

- Ah!

Adam, you idiot, you dumb idiot.

- My bad.

- [in slow motion]
Wait. Stay down.

- What?
- Stay down!

I'm gonna jump you
- No! No!

[crunching]
- Oh, no!

[both screaming]

- Ow.

- Oh.

[both whimpering]

- I trusted you.
- I'm so sorry.

- Sorry, guys.
Bros before hos.

But, you know,
little bros before big bros.

[panting]

[chuckles]

[indistinct radio chatter]

- I don't understand.
How did you guys catch him?

Topher's, like,
the fastest guy we've ever met.

He's so fast.
- He just-

- We have cars.

- Oh.
- Cars, okay, okay.

Cool, good idea that we called.

- We thought of that,
but I just...

- You thought you could
get away with it?

Fuck you!

I will fuck your face.

That's a promise.

Take him away, boys.

- Jillian,

before you say anything,
we're sorry.

He was-he was gonna take us
to the Penthouse penthouse.

- He's the coolest guy
we've ever met...

besides all that weird
little-boy stuff.

- Right.
- Yeah.

We totally get it
if you never want to talk

to any of us ever again
in your whole life.

- Hey, I get it.

I mean, who wouldn't want to go
to the Penthouse penthouse?

You can pee on the floor.

- Yeah, I know.
- That's real, right?

- That's what we were saying.
- I'd tinkle all over the place.

- It's all over,
on the carpet...

- Hey, guys.

Can I get a picture of you
for the paper?

- Yes.
- Yes!

- Yeah, all right.
- Of course you can.

- Wait. Wait.

Can you give the heroes
a second?

- I tried to tell you guys.

[cell doors clattering]

- Hey, you're the guy
from the shirt, huh?

- Probably, man.

Probably.

[playing harmonica]

- Nice!

[dog snorting, party horn blows]