Original subtitles

- Ladies and... Waymond,

direct your attention to the front of the room

for a short video presentation.

- ♪ They found me ♪

♪ In the woods, 'cause I was ♪

♪ Raised by wolves ♪

- [giggling] - 'Scuse me, Beth?

'Scuse me.

Okay, 'scuse me.

Just- can you move, please?

[laughter] How does this turn off, man?

It's not funny.

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Thanks a ton.

Yeah, it's out there. I'm secretly a rap artist.

An artist. Give me the tape.

Give me the tape. - No.

- Give me the tape!

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- So did you, like, used to be in some sort of crew?

- Yeah, yeah, it was a crew of all-there was five of us.

- ♪ MC Ders in your butt ♪

- Jesus Christ, Jillian.

- Great rapping, Anders.

You're like an Icelandic Raekwon.

- Oh. - Ders, what's up?

How come you don't bring out the, uh,

the flavor a little more?

I thought it was pretty dope.

- Could we talk about something different?

- Are you guys ready to get SLOPPY

at the young professionals wine and cheese thing tomorrow?

- Yes, totally. - Yeah.

- Yeah, you are!

- Are you going to that as well?

- Oh, heck to the yeah.

I'm looking for a true love companion

who I can spend every day of my life with

until we die on the exact same day.

Same breath- [inhales, exhales]

- [making beatbox sounds, humming]

- Montez, how you doing?

- How does it look like I'm doing?

I'm on top of the goddamn world.

- Right! Hey, can I get the creamer?

- I got up at 5:30 in the A.M. this morning.

5:30 in the goddamn A.M.

Y'all wanna know why? - Yeah.

- Uh, because you had sex with your wife.

- Laid out the tarp,

got out that good-ass baby oil, and I was in it,

just bah, bah, got in my power stance,

and I was like kah-kah-kah-kah-kah!

'Cause there's only one rule in my bedroom.

Fuck all rules.

It's like the wild, wild west up in there,

like Afghanistan, Iraq,

motherfucking Lord of the Rings in there.

Y'all don't know about my bedroom.

- No, we don't. - [grunts] Ugh!

I can feel that shit right now.

- Sweet.

- Oh, see, that's the kind of love I'm looking for.

- Okay, so we're all in agreement

that Jillian can't come with us to this thing tomorrow.

- What-w-why? Why not?

- Because when you put Jillian in a room with free wine,

things tend to get punched in the face hard.

- Yeah, but she wants to find a man.

I'm not about to stand in the way of love.

I'm not Billy Zane, man.

- Blake, I get it. She's your friend.

- Okay, she's your friend too, Roboheart.

God!

- Look, all I'm saying is, last time,

I got 25 business cards and 12 Linkedln contacts.

I plan on doubling that.

But I can't have Jillian stepping on my game.

- Wow, Ders.

When you were nerding out on some cards,

I was nerding into some titties!

Remember that business lady from last year?

I was all just droppin' in on it,

lust. hey, hey.

- No, you weren't.

No, you didn't. You didn't have sex with her.

- No, I didn't have sex with her.

She had to go home because her dog was sick.

We were all worried.

Remember that one-legged wheelchair dude from last year?

- Oh! - He's gonna be there.

- Oh, yeah, that dude totally punk'd you.

- [whispering] Remember what he did, dude?

Remember what he did?

Oh! He cut off a chunk of your hair, dude.

- That was a big chunk of your hair.

- Yeah, it was huge. - I know.

- Remember how he just held it out there

while you stood there just crying?

- Ha-ha! Adam! - You were crying...

- Yes, I think we all remember I was crying.

Yes, I was there. - You were crying, dude.

Ooh, inside voices. Come on.

- You guys are right.

Jillian can't be there,

because when I just get these hands

around his sweet little wheelchair body,

I'm gonna...

bust him!

- Ooph. - I'm sorry.

I just don't want her seeing that side of me.

All right. Here's the plan.

We get Jillian a man

to take her out the same time as the mixer.

Step one: create an internet profile.

- All right, okay.

Interests. What's Jillian into?

- Mm... - She's...

- Mm... [inhaling]

- Um...

- She's a girl, so... Gerard Butler.

- Yeah. - Yep.

- Yeah, they do. They love him.

- Good, good.

And let's put something to attract guys, like...

- Like, "Face down, ass up.

That's the way we like to"-

- Uh, "camping" works.

- That's the way we like to camp.

- Yeah.

- Now we just need a picture of her from the internet.

Oh, there we go. That one works.

- Is, uh-ahem-is there another photo we could use?

- Why? This says, "I'm young, I'm fun,

and I've got a sense of humor," that's for sure.

- It also says, "I like to do weird stuff in the bedroom,"

which, in this internet era, dudes like that.

- Yeah.

- But it's not illegal for me to call you,

so I can't get arrested.

[computer dings]

You know what, I'm gonna call you back tomorrow.

- Oh, we got one! - See you. Thank you.

- Okay. - Found it.

- Yeah, seems fine, like a fairly non-murdery fellow.

- Normal-looking dude, if you ask me.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I give him my blessing.

- Nice.

- Knock, knock. Knock.

- Ooh, come in!

[laughter]

- Question: how would you like a date

with a Gerard Butleresque...

[whispers] uberhunk?

- Ooh! More like Gerard Butt Cheeks.

[laughter]

- Uh, well, he's our buddy Jake,

and he is just a man hunk.

- Ooh! Jake? Do I know him?

- No, I don't think you know him.

I don't think you've met him. He's a friend of ours.

- Yeah, he's a real beef castle.

- What's- what's his last name?

- Uh... - Heisen...

- Rip. - Bauer.

- Heisenripbauer?

- Heisenripbauer, yeah. - Heisenripbauer.

- Ooh, Mrs. Jillian Heisenripbauer.

- He's a science teacher. - He's a science teacher!

- Yes, he is. - Oh, my gosh.

Well, I hope we have chemistry!

[laughter]

- Oh, my goodness. - You will!

- Yeah, anyways, yeah, Jake Heisenripbauer

would love to go to a concert with you tomorrow.

- Oh, yeah. - Mm-hmm.

- Tomorr-oh. But what about the mixer?

- Jillian, forget the mixer.

You've got a chance to go on a date with...

[whispers] Jake.

- Heisenripbauer. - That name.

- I already really like him.

I might be in love.

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

[mellow piano music]

- Oh! - Adam...

Just pretend your parents are here.

- Ha-ha! That's the beginning of a break dance, bud.

I don't know the rest, but I will learn it.

- YEP-

- [clicks tongue] That, my friend,

is totally loose butthole.

- Excuse me?

This entire outfit is completely tight butthole.

- It's definitely butthole something.

- You know what, why don't you guys watch me do what I do

when I do what I do in the bow tie.

PW. - Whoo-hoo-hod.!

- Gentlemen, Anders Holmvik. TelAmeriCorp, sales assosh.

Here's my card. Take a couple.

I got a bunch. I got 'em all.

Can I, uh, get some of your cards?

I'm a card shark. [laughs]

- Jeff, this guy wants our cards.

- Or, uh, we could do Linkedln.

Digital age. We could do that.

Linkedln.

- Do I know this guy, Jeff?

Wait a minute.

This guy gave me his card last year.

- Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You called me, like, 25 times.

- No, I called you way more than that.

- Whoa-ho-ho!

Just the boo I was looking for.

Get in here. - Where you going?

- Just a little hug-aroo for ya.

- I'm sorry... Do I know you?

[laughing] Ehh!

No, we know each other. Last year...

in the stairwell, we...

Underneath the shirt,

over the bra maneuv from the back side.

I like. I'll say that.

- I was drunker than I thought.

- Yeah, most def. So...

What has been popping off in your world?

I'm super interested.

- Look, I don't want to be rude, okay,

but last year was a gigantic mistake.

- Oh, yeah, most def. For sure.

- You're, like, a five. - Yeah.

- And I'm looking for more of like a nine or a ten, you know?

- Oh, yeah, nine, ten, for sure. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, most def. - Tall, rich, handsome.

Can quote funny movies. - Funny movies?

[as Austin Powers] Yeah, baby, yeah!

- ORGY-

- [lisping] It's ni-ice!

It's ni-ice!

- Worse things have happened.

" Oh!

- This guy...

[all muttering]

- There he is. Wheelchair guy.

Just... cutting in line.

- Go get him, dude.

- [whispers] Yeah. - Get him!

- HEY-

Hey, you.

- [chuckles] Look who it is.

- You are-

- [laughs] Check it out, guys.

Paula Poundstone here is wearing shoulder pads!

[laughter]

- [laughs]

- You again. What do you want?

Hmm?

- Ow. - Ha-ha-ha!

Whoo! Ooh!

[laughter]

- Still as rude as ever. - This is stupid.

I got to get in there. She said I'm a five.

Which is pretty good.

[cell phone rings] - Out of what?

- Five, I think. I'm not sure.

- Hey, Jillian.

What? No, I can't hear-

Okay. Okay.

Okay, yeah, we'll come get you.

I'm sorry. We got to go.

Jillian's date's, like, a total psycho.

- No, we're not going anywhere.

I haven't even gotten a card yet.

- Ders, she was crying.

- The sexy kind, though?

- No. Like real tears. Like Native American tears.

- Blake, I'm not gonna leave right now,

'Cause this girl... ♪ Was hot for my flavor ♪

Plus, it's not our fault

that Jillian got stuck at the stupid party...

Except that I just realized that it is our fault.

- 100%. - God damn it.

She's at a concert. How bad can a concert be?

[hard rock music playing]

♪♪

- Who the fuck are these people?

- Uh... they're Juggalos.

You know, fans of the Insane Clown Posse.

Gentlemen, welcome to the Dark Carnival of Souls.

All right, guys, I know there's a lot of really fun stuff here,

but let's try not to get sidetracked.

- Sidetracked? This entire place should be firebombed.

- They all look like Satan.

Aah! Oh!

Hey, there you... are.

- All right, let's split up

and meet back here in half an hour, let's say?

Whoa! They've got a hatchet throwing contest.

Let's make it three hours, huh?

- Okay, Blake, I know the smell of weird

gets your balls all tingly,

but put on the blinders and just find Jillian.

- You're right. I'm on the case.

The Case to Find the Missing Friend of Mine,

by Blake Chesterfield Henderson.

- Okay, I call this way. - I got that way.

- Oh, Ders got to go that way.

- I'm gonna go this way.

- No, I called- I called that way.

- I think that guy's following me.

- Fine. I'll go this way.

- ♪ If magic is all we've ever known ♪

♪ Then it's easy to miss what really goes on ♪

♪ But I've seen miracles in every way ♪

♪ And I see miracles every day ♪

♪ Oceans spanding beyond my sight ♪

♪ And a million stars way above 'em at night ♪

♪ We don't have to be high to look in the sky ♪

♪ And know that's a miracle open wide ♪

- ♪ Do you notice and recognize miracles? ♪

- ♪ It's all around you, you don't even know it ♪

- ♪ Are you a believer in miracles? ♪

♪♪

♪ Do you notice and recognize miracles? ♪

♪ So many miracles, the magic miracles ♪

♪♪

- Oh, excuse me.

Oh, you dropped something, buddy.

Nope, that is poop.

Human poop fell out of your pants.

That fell out.

- Hey, sheep.

You stray too far from the herd,

and the wolves will get you.

- Okeydokey. That's good advice.

Cool costume. - Hey.

You're the one wearing the costume-

society's costume.

- Oh, man.

- Society's costume.

- This is fun. I'm gonna get going, though.

- Why'? What are you so afraid of, sheep boy?

- I'm not afraid of anything, except for maybe carbs,

'cause I'm in a cutting phase right now.

Those are nunchucks. Whoa!

That one got close. All righty.

- Poor little sheepy

walking around in your sheep clothing

just thinking your sheep thoughts.

- Uh-huh. - Do you want to continue

to just be a faceless drone in a bullshit society...

Or do you want to play with my boobs?

- I'll put that hatchet in your head-

- Hey, guys, maybe you could help me out.

I'm kind of lost. I'm looking for somebody.

If you have a map with a legend or anything...

Okay, thank you.

Jeez, it's hot. It's like Hades.

Hey, um, I see you got some cold beverages here.

You mind if I buy one off of you guys?

Honestly, I could go for a vitaminwater or a juice.

Hell, at this point, I'd take a Dasani.

Okay, if you can hear me,

I'm gonna put $5 right here on your gross, inflatable cooler.

And, uh... a Faygo. What is a Faygo?

You've got Redpop, Moon Mist.

Do you have anything that's not Faygo,

besides Red Rock- - Whoa! Whoa!

You all right there, camper? You look lost.

- Oh, do I? Thank you, Detective Zoobilee Zoo.

Unless you have some Schweppes

or something like a Nantucket Nectar, get lost.

- Okay, easy, man. I'm just trying to help.

If you like Fresca-

- Oh, my God. Is this Fresca?

Oh, Fresca.

- Well, actually, that's Faygo Moon Mist.

- Really'?

- Booyah, bitch!

- Awesome, dude. Can I give it a try?

- Go for it, ninja. Crack that dome.

Yeah. - Okay, you're askin' for it.

I'm gonna just split you open.

- Sweet spot. - This one's for Dad.

- Bah! [whooping]

- Whoa.

Is that Jillian?

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ He's insane ♪

[hip-hop music]

- Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror,

and I'm like...

who are you, Adam?

- I bet you lift weights

to try to look like those juiceheads

in the magazines.

- Guilty as charged!

I'm just a lat guy, you know?

I've got these amazing lats, and...

I'm just living in an ab guy's world.

- It doesn't matter.

Because now you are...

Sugar Bear.

- Sugar Bear. That is...

Nice. I like that.

But what if we chose a different name like...

Dangerous...

you know, Wolf, or something,

something that has an edge to it.

No? - No.

- All right. Yeah, Sugar Bear.

That's a good one. I like that too.

- Five, four, three, two...

- You want another?

Please, it's the least I can do.

Ro, can you grab another Faygo for Anders?

- Oh, sure, hon. - Thanks.

It's just so hot out here. It's so good.

- It's a good beverage.

Thanks, sweetie.

Let me know if you want me to take Becca.

- Okay. - Hi, pumpkin.

Daddy loves you. Bye!

- [giggling]

- Oh, you got a great family. - Oh, thanks.

- I got to ask, what- what brings a guy like you

to a place like this?

- Ah! Direct. I like that.

Uh, I tell you, it started two years ago

when I came to my first Juggalo concert

to sell hatchets.

- Wait. You're in sales?

I'm in sales too! TelAmeriCorp.

- T.A.C.? - Yeah.

- Get out! I did business with them a few years ago.

Hey, Ro, Anders here works for TelAmeriCorp!

- Oh, my God. Really'?

- That is a piss. You know what?

I like the cut of your jib.

Let me give you my business card.

Maybe we can toss each other a little business.

- Yeah, that'd be great. Thank you.

Do you, uh- do you want my card?

- Sure. I'd love it. - All right.

We'll just exchange cards. - Yeah.

- So the makeup, that's-

that's part of the sales thing, right?

- No, it's gonna sound crazy,

but we actually have fun here.

Get this, last weekend in Fresno,

they even got me on stage to do a rapping battle.

- You rapped?

- Well, I'm no ODB, but...

They don't judge you here.

You want to give it a shot, just let me know.

- ♪ But those who know me know I'm dealing the realness ♪

♪ And they can feel this like a dope set of real tits ♪

♪ And when I'm hittin' skins I rock and I leave with this ♪

♪ So deep it's a spinal tap like Michael McKean is ♪

[loud cheering]

Yeah, boy!

- Will the friends of Karl Hevacheck

report to the first aid tent?

- Jillian? Jillian. Hey.

- Blake! What are you doing here?

- Uh, I'm here to save you. You called us.

- Oh, did I not call you back? Everything's fine.

You should stay at the mixer.

- Wow, you are super drunk, aren't you, Jillian?

- Whoop-whoop whoop-whoop-whoop!

That's the Juggalo's call.

- All right, come on. I'm gonna get you out of here.

Let's go get some wine and cheese.

- Whoa! Who's this fake-ass Juggaho?

- Dr. Neden, you know Blake.

Hey, Blake, "neden" is Juggalo for "pussy."

So I'm definitely getting that dong near this thong.

- Oh, wow. Okay, great.

Um, no, but actually, I don't know who this guy is.

I'll explain that to you later.

- She's not goin' anywhere with you.

And if you touch her,

I'll knock your dick-tickler off your face, son.

- Wha- - He means your mustache.

- Oh, you're saying I tickle-

No. Uh-uh.

Everywhere I turn, it's bullies. Big, fat bullies.

- Whatever, Paula Poundstone.

- [laughing] Paula Poundstone.

No! You're goin' down!

Oh, boy! - Blake!

[thud]

- Aah! Oh... fuck!

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- I think he's dead. - Wakey bakey.

- Aah! Monsters! - Hey, hey, hey!

It's us. You're safe now.

- Ders, Adam?

Why is Jillian hanging out with that bully still?

- She's fine. We're all fine.

Especially her.

Let me see them titties, girl.

- Blake, it turns out,

we found everything we were looking for

right here at the Dark Carnival of Souls.

- That's great, and forgive me for not celebrating,

but I've just had a really horrible day,

and I'd like to go home, drink a box of wine,

maybe take a warm bath,

and gently masturbate myself to sleep, okay?

Aah! My back! - Hey! No, come on.

Up you go, up you go. In the chair.

- Well, you're not going home to masturbate just yet.

- I didn't say I was gonna masturbate.

- We're gonna go back to the mixer, buddy.

Show those Juggahos how we do.

- Blake, what's the tightest thing in the world?

- Buttholes.

- Yes. Ideally, a butthole.

Yeah. A butthole.

But I was talking about the bonds of a family.

A psychopathic family.

So what do you say?

- ♪ Homies, homies ♪

♪ Talkin' about road dogs of mine ♪

♪ Juggalo homies ♪

♪ Homies, homies ♪

♪ We throwin' up clown love signs ♪

♪ Real life Juggalo ♪

♪ Homies, homies ♪

♪ Talk about those ♪

- Oh, hello. Look what we have here.

- Whoa! What the hell?

- Mmm, jealousy does not look good on you.

- Who are you?

- Does this maneuv ring any bells?

Ohh. Stairwell?

Oh, wait, there's no bra here, and I like that much better.

- This is so weird.

- My tits are telling me to sleep with you.

- Mmm, I like what your tits have to say.

- So do I.

- Oh, God.

- Done deals. - Guess what, chumps.

I don't even need your card anymore,

because I've got the king of cards.

- Hey, Jeff, look who's back.

- Davis King,

number one hatchet salesman in the southwest region.

Bah!

Score for the Ders!

- Jeff, what's a Der?

- Fuck you, dude. - Nice makeup.

- The Der- I get called the Ders.

- HEY-

- What's this? Making fun of me?

- Quite the quan-trary.

I'm here for something totally different.

- Good. - And that's to say I'm sorry.

Yeah, that's right.

You see, I've learned a lot about family today.

And much like buttholes, families are meant to be tight.

- 'Scuse me? - Look, man...

We're all family, okay? And I...

I know what it's like to be trapped in a chair.

I've been in this seat prison for, like, 25 minutes now.

It's rough. But you know what?

Even though you have been a jerk to me...

I still love ya.

- Thanks, man.

Got a lot of... anger I need to work through.

Tend to push people away.

- Hey, less pushing, more hugging-what do you say?

Get in here. - All right.

[grunting laughing]

- Dr. Neden, no!

- You mess with my family, you mess with me!

- No, Jake Heisenripbauer!

- That's right, ninja. Time to suck this nunchuck!

- So let's not hang out with Juggalos anymore.

- They are who we thought they were.

- Walking, talking diarrhea people.

- Big Money Hustla's coming to Thanksgiving.

Those are her boobs. Oh, my God!

[fighting, shouting]

- Nice!

[dog snorting, party horn blows]