All language subtitles for BoJack.Horseman.S05E04.WEBRip.ION10.en

sync & correction by f1nc0
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- Sir, please get back into your car.
- Here's how it's gonna go down, sweetchicks.

You're gonna let me go.

If you're lucky,
I might even honk your... boobies!

- Whoa! You're under arrest
- Hey! Hey!

- for assaulting a police officer.
- You're arresting me?

You must be new here,
on the rag, or both.

I'm movie star Vance Waggoner,
and I hate Jews!

This is the Deep Dive!

My guest today recently said some things,
or did some things?

I only read the headline.
Vance, what happened?

First of all, I don't hate Jews.

If I did, would I be able to sit
in the same room

as my good friend Mark Feuerstein, a Jew?

You know, when I first heard
Vance's comments, they stung,

but when he called to offer his apology
and a supporting role in his next movie,

I thought, "Does not the Torah
teach us to forgive?"

As it is written, "schmear, don't smear."

Hey! Good to see you.
Thanks for coming, everyone!

Hey! Hey, Vance, did you get practice
swinging that baseball bat

from the time you hit that prostitute,
with a baseball bat?

What? Who told you that?

I'm Tom Jumbo-Grumbo,
and this is Gotcha!

Vance Waggoner,
you hit a woman with a baseball bat.

What's your side of the story?

Okay, look,
when that altercation occurred,

I was an immature child... of 38.
I'm not that guy anymore.

Vance Waggoner respects women.

We have a tape of a voicemail you left
for your 14-year-old daughter.

- Oh, God.
- Let's give it a listen, shall we?

I'll murder you.

I'm going to murder my daughter.
I don't respect women.

You're out there, hanging out
with your dirty Swedish friends.

That's right, I hate Swedes now.

I bet you didn't see that coming,

you disgusting slut,
who is my daughter!

As we say here on Gotcha,
that's a gotcha.

Why did I go on a show called Gotcha?

I stand here with my wife beside me,
and my daughter,

and my good friend Stellan Skarsgård.

I am retiring from public life.

This is the last you'll see
of Vance Waggoner.

Who are we gonna get
to play Philbert's partner?

We need a bad boy.
Someone dangerous,

someone you see coming
and think, "This guy is trouble."

You know who would be perfect?

5x04 - BoJack the Feminist

- Thank you so much for meeting me.
- Of course.

I know how busy you are.

The Apology Tour can be a hassle,
but you've been handling it perfectly.

What do you have lined up next?

Well, I'm getting the lifetime achievement
at the We Forgive You Awards.

You're getting a Forgivie?
Damn, your publicist is good.

I don't care about awards.
I just want to work, damn it.

You just have to remind them
how good you are.

Maybe by taking a meaty role on my gritty,
prestige television show Philbert.

Once word gets out
that it's okay to hire you again,

all the other offers will come rolling in.
Producers are like lemmings.

- Hey, I resent that!
- Me, too!

- I also resent that. To the cliff!
- Yeah, let's go.

I have a great deal of love and respect
for the lemming community!

Okay, I'm in.

Diane, can you believe this?

Vance Waggoner is getting
a We Forgive You Award!

Ugh! This town is full of hypocrites.

They act all shocked when one of their
favorite stars turns out to be a dirtbag,

but they can't wait to give a comeback
to all the dirtbags we already know about.

Now, that is the kind of story
I would share without reading,

which, for our purposes,
is even better than people reading.

Go to the awards show,

take down that skeevy so-and so,

and then during commercial breaks,
get in some Hollywoo hobnobbing.

- Oh, I'd rather not.
- Diane, you have to hobnob.

Have you not been hobnobbing?
Hob that nob, girl!

We know how this ends.
Our core readership eats it up,

a bunch of dude-bros
call me a "dumb slunt,"

and Vance's career chugs, right along.

So, stellar! And while you're there,
you can ask your friend BoJack,

why Vance is gonna co-star
on his new TV show.

He's what? Oop! Aaaah!

Greetings, from the red carpet!

Filling in for a Mario Lopez-type,
'tis I, Mr. Peanutbutter!

And lookie here!

Super-producer and also my manager,
Princess Carolyn!

Who are you wearing

and why haven't you called,
about the Dog Day Afternoon reboot?

- Uh...
- It's cool. We can talk.

- They cut around stuff they don't need.
- Oh, okay.

No one understands how to make a woman
feel beautiful like Louis Kitton.

Listen, kid. Dog Day Afternoon
isn't gonna happen for you.

- People don't see you as the tough guy.
- That's not fair.

Who are you excited to see tonight?

So many amazing stars
are being forgiven tonight.

Megyn Kelly, Mark Wahlberg...

Look, every actor has a range,

and maybe a gritty drama
about a tough-guy bank robber

is too much of a stretch for you.

So, I'm not tough enough, huh?

I'll show them how tough I can be.

We'll be back with more of the Red Carpet
Pre-Show Fashion-Stravaganza,

so don't touch that remote...
or else.

There is no one this town loves
forgiving more than Vance Waggoner.

I just don't get why you're doing this.

- We need a big star, Diane.
- No, Diane's right.

- I'm the big star.
- That's not my point.

You can't have two stars.

All the greatest detective shows
are focused around a central,

usually titular character.

Kojak, Monk, Nickis.

- Who's Nickis?
- You know, Nickis.

Sometimes, he goes to Los Angeles,
to New Orleans...

Are you...? Do you mean NCIS?

No.

Princess Carolyn, if you hire this guy,
what kind of message does that send?

Diane, we both know
the industry is screwed up.

I'm not talking to the industry.
I'm talking to you.

- Take some responsibility.
- Excuse me?

Hey! Cheese plate!

...Vance Waggoner!

Ugh!

Horseman forcefully forgoes applause
for Vance at Forgivies!

Is a feud forming on the Philbert front?

That's the buzz around town,
and the question on everybody's mind is,

"Why the strong face?"

He made the face in protest because
of what Vance said about native Alaskans.

BoJack's clearly upset
about the time Vance Waggoner

said the Madrid train bombings
were "a real mixed bag."

Remember when Vance locked
that shopgirl in a hotel room

and said, "I've got pizzazz"
while masturbating into a champagne flute?

Because BoJack remembers.

God damn it! The whole point of the award
was to put the past behind me.

But now,
because of this idiot's dumb face,

my past is all anyone's talking about!

Everyone else was clapping.
Why couldn't you clap?

Hey, man, awards show
should've had better cheese.

- My publicist is furious, by the way.
- Ooh, spooky publicist!

Hope she doesn't papercut me
with her mad press release.

We're gonna handle this.

BoJack will go on TV and explain
this unfortunate faux pas du fromage.

- Won't you, BoJack?
- Ugh. Fine.

Once again, hero BoJack will clean up
everyone else's mess.

- Hello, Todd.
- Ooh!

Did you notice how I just walked in
without knocking? Pretty tough, huh?

Not at all!

To me, it read as amiable and familiar,

like our friendship has an assumed
"open door" policy.

God damn it!
Owie!

Apparently, Hollywoo producers
don't think I'm tough enough

to play the bad boy parts.

- Oh, no!
- Todd, you're the toughest guy I know.

- Will you teach me how to be tough?
- I thought you'd never ask.

Because I had no idea
this was happening to you.

BoJack, clear the air.
Why'd you give Vance the face?

Well, there was this cheese...

And you're lactose intolerant,

which reminded you
that Vance lacks tolerance?

No, it...

The cheese stands alone,

but no woman should stand alone,
when standing up to sexual harassment?

- Squawk!
- No, it wasn't any of those things!

So, you're saying it wasn't any one thing,
more of an accumulation?

- It...
- BoJack, it is really incredible,

your taking a stand against your co-star.

- No, I'm not taking any stand...
- I mean, the guy choked his wife,

and most of Hollywoo is, like,
"No biggie. Good for him!"

- Squawk!
- Okay, well, obviously it's not good

he choked his wife.

Wow!

No, no, no! I wasn't trying to make
some bold statement or anything.

It's just that...
choking your wife is bad.

Really?

Okay.

Can I just tell you how amazing it is
to hear a man say that?

Well, Paloma,
someone needed to take a stand.

Call me crazy. I mean,
this is just old BoJack talking,

but how about we don't choke any women?

So true, right? Don't choke women!

Don't choke women!

BoJack is right.
Hollywoo shouldn't legitimize abusers,

by allowing them to star
in movies and TV shows,

that play off their problematic personas!

Hollywoo shouldn't legitimize abusers

by allowing them to star
in movies and TV shows

that play off
their problematic personas!

- All right!
- Squawk!

And speaking
of battering women,

right after the break, we'll show you
how to make the perfect blueberry pancake.

- With proud feminist, BoJack Horseman.
- Stick around!

And don't choke women!

How is it you consistently do the opposite
of the thing I need you to do?

I don't know, Princess Carolyn.

Is it possible, this whole time,

I've been an amazing feminist hero,
and nobody knew it?

- BoJack!
- Feels pretty right.

Yeah, I'm a male feminist.
You're welcome, society.

- I gotta call Vance.
- Okay.

I'm just gonna stay here, being woke.

Vance! Listen,
BoJack's been very dehydrated.

No, no, no. You can't use the old
"dehydration made him stupid" trick on me.

Okay?
I'm Mr. Dehydration-Made-Me-Stupid.

BoJack really wants to work with you.
He just got caught up...

Doesn't matter.
I'm not doing the show.

- What?
- You were right.

All it took was one offer.

Once word got out I was doing Philbert,
all the other offers started pouring in.

You signed a contract!

Oh, please. I sexted a 12-year-old
and still got a Humanitas Prize.

You think I can't get out of a contract,
with a time website?

By the way, still very sorry
about sexting that 12-year-old.

Oh-hh!

Hey, Princess Carolyn,
you ever notice how, as a woman,

you only make ten cents
for every dollar your clients make?

- Really makes you think, huh?
- BoJack, I was wrong, you were right.

Let's take that asshole down.

So, now, you wanna take him down

Now, that he's not doing
your TV show, anymore?

Diane, don't be cynical.

- I'm cynical?
- What do you want me to say?

I got blinded by my desire
to see myself succeed,

which, since I'm a woman,
is actually very feminist.

But now that Vance can't help me succeed,

I realize the more feminist thing to do
is to make sure he doesn't succeed either.

- I'm cynical?
- I'm offering an olive branch, here.

Look, this town loves assholes like Vance.
There's nothing we can do.

This town is as wishy-washy
as a virgin on prom night.

All they need to listen to women
is the right voice... a man's voice.

Oh!

- Is that why I'm here?
- Yep. I brought you two together

because between your feminist brain
and your stupid manly face,

you can actually say things
that people will listen to.

That's a good point.
People do listen to me all the time.

One time I tweeted "RIP David Bowie,"
and now everyone still thinks he's dead.

- David Bowie is dead.
- Wait, for real? Oh, man.

So, through BoJack, I can say
whatever I want, to a huge audience,

without being called "shrill,"
or "naggy," or "classic Diane."

Yeah. Everyone loves a male feminist.

It turns out, the problem
with feminism, all along,

is it just wasn't men doing it.

We're much less shrill.

Yeah, this is truly a great day
for women everywhere.

Okay, how do I make people think
I'm a tough bad boy,

who doesn't give a care
about society's precious rules?

Every time Vance Waggoner
breaks the rules,

- it gets caught on camera.
- That's it!

We just need some video evidence
of me being tough!

Here, record this.

Ooooh!

- Hey, got one for me, toughie?
- Sorry, bud.

Not yet, you're not.

But you can bet your candy ass
you're gonna be.

- Ooh!
- What the...?

What do you say to that?

- Thank you. So much.
- Huh?

Two weeks ago, we buried my father.
Lung cancer.

My baby girl made me promise
I'd quit smoking,

but I've been sneaking
these suicide sticks this entire time.

No more. That was my last cigarette.

Thank you, you sweet, sweet soul.

Mm-wah!

You are truly a kind
and approachable character.

And tough?

Tough not to love, you big galoot!

Oh, banana bread!

Okay, just...

Okay, so, pop culture
inherently normalizes things,

and that power works both ways.

It can normalize things for good,

like how dancing Ellen makes
middle America less afraid of gay people.

But it can also normalize things
for bad,

like what Jack Bauer did for torture,
or what Jimmy Fallon did for lip-syncing.

So, when we give a platform
to known abusers like Vance Waggoner,

that's an example of...?

Normalizing things for...?

- Good or bad?
- I'm sorry.

I know you're trying really hard
not to be boring,

and it's kind of not boring,

but it still mostly feels
like I'm being lectured at.

- Okay, well...
- Hold on.

Let me imagine that I'm saying it.
You know what, that's a little better.

Well, the bar for men is depressingly low.

Just sprinkle in a few words like
"intersectionality" or "micro-aggressions"

and Vice News will name you
Feminist of the Year.

Oh, should I wear a T-shirt
that says "Feminism is Bae"?

Girls love shit like that, right?

Sounds great, BoJack.

- Hello, Diane.
- How did you get in my car?

- You left it unlocked.
- It's a Prius. It locks automatically.

Priuses unlock automatically.

You still need to lock it
when you get out.

- Really?
- I know you and your little Scooby gang

are plotting something against my client,
and I want you to stop.

Ugh! Of course that dirtbag
would hire Ana Spanakopita.

Vance has a troubled past.
All he's asking for is a fresh start.

- No. Why does he get that over and over?
- He's reformed.

What else would you have him do?

Let's say, you can make him do
anything you want to make things right.

What would you make
Vance Waggoner do, now?

Nothing.
I don't think he can make things right.

Well, then, what do you hope
to accomplish, here?

Can't you just admit to me,

just between the two of us,
that this sucks?

You can say it's your job, that you
believe in "forgiveness," whatever,

but don't you at least a little bit think

that when we let guys
like Vance off the hook...

- Diane.
- ...when you, as a woman,

give awful men
the cover of your friendship,

when you work for them.
First of all,

they're not gonna get better.
Second of all, you are then complicit...

no, you're culpable
for the terrible things they do.

Are you done?

Just, woman to woman,
can't you admit this is screwed up?

You've given me a lot to think about.

Oh...!

So, in conclusion,
is Smurfette a feminist icon?

I think the better question is,
why does she have to be?,

We've gotten a little off track, here.
We were talking about Vance Waggoner.

Oh, yeah!

We actually have a tape of a press
conference Vance gave, earlier today.

- What?
- And he mentioned you in it.

Oh, no, is this a Gotcha?
Am I the gotcha?

Let's see what he had to say.

I have an important announcement.

I... am a feminist, too.

That's why I had to walk away
from BoJack Horseman's new show Philbert.

Okay, I read the scripts they sent me,
and I was outraged.

Gratuitous sexual violence.
Protracted, lascivious nude scenes.

Maybe BoJack Horseman thinks
that's all in good fun,

but I know it's toxic.

And if I took part in it,
I would be complicit...

no, culpable for that toxicity.

BoJack, what do you say to those charges?

Um...

The future is female?

Pretty cool, huh?

- Uh, are you sure about this outfit?
- All the toughest guys wear leather.

Biker gangs, motorcycle cops,
non-heteronormative dominatrices.

Well, this is the sleaziest,
most dangerous dive bar in Hollywoo.

It's where all the bad boys party.
Charlie Sheen, Chris Brown, Subway Jared.

Great. I'll waltz right in, fight
a few bouncers, throw a drink in a face,

and get this menacing mug
on the cover of a few tabloids.

- Hey.
- Hey! Bird brains!

Why don't you snap
some pics of me being mean?

Get the word out
that I'm a real tough SOAB!

- You? Tough? Yeah, right!
- Hah!

I've seen tougher guys at the fancy-boy
bubble bath parties I sometimes attend.

- What?
- Sorry, I can't invite ya.

Fancy boys only.

- Well, you two have a pleasant afternoon.
- No, Mr. Peanutbutter.

- Show 'em your tough stuff!
- Oh, yeah!

Oh, my God, are you guys okay?

- Did you hear that?
- No.

Exactly. No more clicking.

You fixed my TMJ, which means
no more wearing a night guard to bed.

Wow, I already feel like a more confident
and assertive lover.

Thanks, Mr. Peanutbutter.

I'm gonna go home
and make love to my wiiiiiiiiiiiiife!

Uh...

My crossed eye. It... it's fixed!

My depth perception
is so much better now.

I'm gonna go watch a Wes Anderson movie

and see if I can perceive
any depth in iiiiiiiiiiit!

And stay out!

Whoa.

- So... did Philbert kill his wife?
- Well, Sassy thinks so.

That's why she's pretending
to be his new partner,

to get closer to the truth.

Meanwhile, his old partner Fritz
is back in the mix,

but he might be dead
and just a projection

- of Philbert's lingering guilt.
- Ooooh!

- That's very unclear.
- Yeah, the whole thing's nonsense,

but, more importantly,
how do we prove it's not sexist?

- It is sexist.
- No, of course.

But right now, I have to do an interview
where I explain that it's not,

because otherwise,
I'll look like a hypocrite,

which would be really bad
for women everywhere.

So, in order to save feminism,

you need to give me
some smart-sounding reasons

why Philbert
isn't what it so obviously is,

so that I can continue to be a hero
and role model.

Everything Vance said
about these scripts is true.

It's posing as a deconstruction
of the edifice of toxic masculinity...

Uh-huh. Toxic masculinity, yeah. Right.

But it's just using that, as an excuse
to relish in its own excesses.

And the most depressing thing...
is that ten times more people

are gonna watch this show
than read anything I've ever written.

I feel you're not really getting
into the spirit here.

We can still take down Vance
and topple the patriarchy.

Come on, we're doing feminism,
it's supposed to be fun!

This isn't fun for me!

Being a woman is not a hobby
or a pet interest of mine.

You get to drop in, and play Joss Whedon,
and everybody cheers.

But when you move on
to your next thing, I'm still here.

Okay, yeah, I totally get that.
But in the meantime,

I just need to know what to say
about this show.

Say whatever you want.
I have a listicle to write.

So, unless you can give me
"five times Rihanna gave us life,"

this conversation is over.

BoJack Horseman
is our Deep Dive guest, today.

So, what's going on?
Something about your show being sexist?

My producer printed out an article
for me, but I did not read it.

Look, obviously,
when you take plot points out of context,

they can seem unsavory.

But they're all part of a larger attempt
to deconstruct... toxic... masculinity.

Ooh! Sounds glamorous!

No, we're not glamorizing it,
that's the thing.

You're not supposed to like John Philbert
or agree with the things he does.

It's a TV show.
It doesn't glamorize anything.

But... maybe it normalizes it.

I gotta go.

Okay. We still have 48 minutes,
so, I guess I should just talk?

I was eight years old

when my father
first showed me his scars.

Each scar... tells a story,
and every story... leaves a scar.

- Holy crap!
- Diane, the show needs your help.

- What?
- You were right.

It's all the things you said it is,
but it doesn't have to be.

Come on as a consulting producer.
Work with Flip on the scripts,

make the show something
that we can all be proud of.

Why would I do that?

You said it yourself, more people
are going to watch this show

than read anything you write.

I'm giving you the opportunity
to change society for the better.

- Nothing I do changes anything.
- No? You changed me.

Listen up, scum.

Huh?

There's a new sheriff in town.

- And his name is...
- Trace Norcutt.

Yeah, I read about him this morning
in the metro section.

He just won a special election, right?

- Maybe so, but I...
- Wow!

Thank you, sir, for keeping us informed

about the comings and goings
of our city politic.

After all, a democracy is only as strong
as its populace is informed.

No, no, no, I was trying to...

Hey, let's cheer once
for this kind stranger!

- Hip! Hip!
- Hurray!

I guess Princess Carolyn was right.
Huh, Todd? Todd?

So, I guess the toughest thing of all
was being tough.

- Who are you talking to?
- Estelle.

- Who's Estelle?
- Just Estelle. You don't know her.

Not everybody needs to know everybody.

Hmm. I have learned two lessons, today.

We still need to cast Philbert's partner.

No more bad boys.
We can't take another PR hit.

We need an actor who everybody loves.
Someone almost annoyingly positive.

Enthusiastic with zero baggage.

You know who would be perfect?

Uh...

Hey, Flip! Diane.

Yeah, you're the lady who's gonna make
my show less sexist, right?

- Well, I'll see what I can do.
- Here's what I need.

Sit in my office, don't chew too loud,
and collect your paycheck.

Then, when the show comes out,

people will see your name
in the credits and say,

"Huh, a lady worked on the show.
Guess it's not sexist."

- I can contribute more than that.
- Not necessary.

Hey, thanks for being here.
You're really making a difference.

Uh...

- Hello, Diane.
- Jesus Christ!

I locked the doors this time!

I broke your window,
because I needed to talk to you.

- I have a phone!
- You were right about Vance.

He just got fired off his new movie
after a drunken rant about the Chinese,

and then plowed his Hummer into the side
of the Grauman's Egyptian Theatre.

- Not the... Chinese Theatre?
- Mhm.

Anyway, his career is over,
for about two or three years,

- and then he'll be fine again.
- Yeah.

Listen, I'm sorry, the last time I saw you
I made things kind of personal.

No, no. You were right.
We give these men cover.

And if we give them cover,

we should know
exactly what they're capable of.

In fact,
I wanted to share this with you...

woman to woman.

She just walked in
at the worst possible...

- It wasn't my fault... right?
- What is this?

- ...what you're talking about.
- On the boat.

There was a girl.

- What?
- In New Mexico.

- And she trusted me.
- Wha...?

I keep asking myself,

if her mother didn't walk in,
would I have done it?

And part of me is sure
that I... I couldn't.

But another part knows that's a lie.

How do you make it right
when you've made it so wrong,

you can never go back?

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~