Original subtitles

(Executive) Uh...

(Whispering) I gotta go. I gotta go.

Gotta catch a plane.

Two hours of staring at it to decide to reconvene after the holidays?

It's cosmetics, not curing cancer.

- Aren't you going to the airport? - To catch a six o'clock flight?

Go with me on the eight. You'll never get a cab.

I said I'd be home by nine.

- That's you. - (Bell dings)

Oh, damn it, I left my gloves in Briars office.

I don't need them. I get in the elevator, taxi, plane and I'm home.

Would you pick them up for me?

- Happy holiday. - See you in Chicago, John.

You'll never make the six.

(Horns honking)

(Whistles)

(Whistle)

(Man) Taxi! Yo!

(Laughs)

Taxi!

Oof!

(Brakes screech)

(Horns honking)

Cab! Cab!

Sir?

Sir? Sir? Excuse me.

I'm desperately late for a plane.

Could I appeal to your good nature and ask for your cab?

I don't have a good nature. Excuse me.

- Come on! - Could I offer you $10 for it?

- 20. I'll give you $20 for it. - I'll take 50.

All right.

Anyone who would pay $50 for a cab would certainly pay $75.

Not necessarily.

All right, 75. You're a thief.

Close. I'm an attorney.

- Have a happy holiday. - This will help.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, that's my cab! That's my cab!

Pull over! Pull over!

All right. Pull over!

That's my cab!

Pull over, buddy! You're messing with the wrong guy!

You son of a bitch! This is my cab! Out!

(Horns honking)

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

(PA) 'Your attention, please. Your attention, please.

'Mid-Central flight 909 to Chicago O'Hare has been delayed.

'For further information, contact the ticket agent.'

(Boy) When are Grandma and Grandpa coming?

They'll be here tomorrow, honey.

Mom? Do you think Grandpa Walt will give me a noogie?

Of course he'll give you a noogie. It means he loves you.

- Why don't I get noogies? - Because you get Indian burns.

But I prefer noogies.

(Phone)

Keep an eye on your brother.

- Hello. - (Girl) Who is it?

- Shh. Where are you? - Who is it?

Shh! It's Daddy.

- Flight delay. - When do you think you'll be in?

- Shouldn't be later than ten. - I'll wait up for you.

I know you, don't I?

I'm usually good with names, but I've forgotten yours.

You stole my cab.

I've never stolen anything in my life.

I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon.

And uh, before I could get in it, you stole it.

You're the guy who tried to get my cab.

I knew I knew you. Yeah!

You scared the bejesus out of me.

But it was awful easy getting a cab during rush hour.

- Forget it. - I can't forget it.

I am sorry. I had no idea that was your cab.

Let me make it up to you somehow, please?

How about a hot dog and a beer?

- Er, no, thanks. - Just a hot dog, then?

I'm picky about what I eat.

- Coffee? - No.

- Milk? - No.

Soda? Some tea? Lifesavers? Slurpee?

Sir, please.

Just let me know. I'm here. (Chuckles)

I knew I knew you.

Discuss this with the ticket agent.

I couldn't, I didn't know he put me in coach.

- I'm sorry. First class is full. - I have a first class ticket.

You have a coach seat assignment.

- Hi, Larry. - Hi, Liz.

- Here OK? - Oh, here, there. Anywhere's fine.

Pardon me.

You'll get a refund on the difference.

I don't want a refund,

I want a seat in first class where I was booked over a month ago.

I've had just about enough of you. Now take your seat.

Oh, you've had about enough of me?

You delay me, then you bump me. What happens next?

Is this a coincidence or what?

Have a seat.

I didn't introduce myself. Del Griffith.

American Light and Fixture, Sales Director,

shower curtain ring division.

I sell shower curtain rings. Best in the world.

And you are?

Uh, Neal Page.

Pleased to meet you, Neal Page.

What do you do for a living, Neal Page?

- Marketing. - Marketing? Super. Super. Fabulous.

Isn't that nice?

Look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist.

I'd like to finish this article. A friend wrote it, so...

Don't let me stand in your way.

The last thing I want to be is an annoying blabbermouth.

Nothing grinds my gears worse

than some chowderhead who can't shut up.

You catch me running off at the mouth, give me a poke in the chops.

(Sighs)

Ohh!

Ohh, that feels good.

Oh, God, I'm telling you, my dogs are barking today.

Whew!

Ohh! (Chuckles)

That feels better.

(Snoring)

(Coughing)

Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago.

(Phone)

Hello?

- 'Hi.' - Where are you?

- I'm in Wichita. - 'Wichita, Kansas? What happened? '

We couldn't land in Chicago.

I don't understand what Wichita has to do with a snowstorm in Chicago?

What's going on, Neal?

We took off from New York, they closed Chicago, we landed here.

(Del) Neal.

Trouble on the home front?

I really don't think that's your concern.

The finest line a man will walk

is between success at work and success at home.

I got a motto - like your work, love your wife.

Well, I'll remember that.

- What's the flight situation? - Simple.

There's no way we'll get out of here tonight.

We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt cheeks.

We'll find out soon enough.

By the time the airline cancels this flight, which they will,

you'd have more of a chance finding a three-legged ballerina than a room.

- I could be stuck in Wichita? - You are stuck in Wichita.

(Click and feedback)

'Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? '

I'm sorry to announce that we're cancelling flight 909

due to severe weather in Chicago.

(Neal) Hi. I was wondering if you had any rooms available?

Anything will do.

- 'I'm sorry.' - Is there another motel...

(Click)

(Del) Neal.

Hi.

Well...

Welcome to Wichita.

Did you book a room yet?

I, uh, couldn't get in anywhere.

When we got in, you called home, I called the Braidwood Inn.

I missed that one.

I got an idea. I know the manager, I sold him some curtain rings.

If you pick up the cab fare, I'll get you a room.

Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Great.

All right! Grab an end of this, will you? Thanks.

- Is this your trunk? - Yeah.

You should try lugging this thing around New York City!

(Rock music)

♪ Well, he takes you up

♪ And he beats you down, yeah

♪ He plays around

♪ And he spends your money... ♪

Where the hell is the motel?

- Doobby, is it much farther? - Not much.

Why didn't you take the interstate?

You said your friend has never been here

so I figured he'd like to... look around.

- Ain't nothing on the interstate. - It's night.

I know, but he's proud of his town. That's a damn rare thing these days.

(Music continues)

(Del) Take care of the luggage, will you, Doobby?

OK, Del.

(Woman) Get off of me.

Stick with me.

(Del) Evening, Gus.

Del Griffith! How the hell are you?

Still a million bucks shy of a millionaire.

(Both laugh)

Gus, meet an old friend, Neal Page. Neal, Gus Mooney.

Glad to meet you, Nick.

Gus, I told my friend here you'd fix him up with a room.

You have a major credit card?

You still honour those discount credit cards?

I'll have to charge you for a double, but it'll come out even.

There you go, saving money already. We're a good team.

We were going to Chicago and the storm brought us here.

I know. I have half your flight booked in already.

Well, I guess you're all fixed, so, uh... there you are.

- Last room in the complex. - You mean sh-share?

(Crash)

(Del) Hey, easy on that. OK.

- Hell of a cab ride, wasn't it? - Yeah, great cab ride.

You don't see cabs like that too often.

- Want to take a shower? - No!

I meant did you want to go first.

(Laughs nervously) You thought...

I wouldn't... What do you think I am?

Gee, that's funny. That's funny.

Ah. Ah.

Oh, come... Come on!

Ah! Ouch, ouch, ouch!

Ah! Ah!

(TV) 'You don't have to be a rock'r roller to wear a pompadour... '

(Bed humming)

(Tins clank)

(Neal) Excuse me.

(Grunting and sighing)

(Del) I'd switch pillows but I'm allergic to sponge.

I'd be sneezing all night with that.

That's why I carry my own pillow. It's hypoallergenic.

I had no idea those beer cans would blow like that.

You left them on a vibrating bed, what did you think would happen?

It's been a long day, it just didn't occur to me.

It didn't occur to you, so I have to sleep in a puddle of beer.

- You want to switch? - I just want to sleep.

Me, too. I am bushed.

- Good night. - Good night.

(Woman on TV) 'She's sleeping in our house! I'll have to burn the sheets! '

(Man) 'What if the shoe was on the other foot? '

(Woman) 'I'd go barefoot! '

(Cracking knuckles)

(Sighs)

(Crack!) Oh!

(Sighs)

(Scratching)

(TV) 'Traffic is resuming at O'Hare field shortly.'

(Snorting)

(Hawking)

(Snorting and hawking continues)

Sorry.

(Hawking)

Damn it!

- What? What? - That's it!

If I don't clear my sinuses I'll snore.

If your kid spills his milk, do you slap him?

- What is that supposed to mean? - You're not very tolerant.

You've been under my skin since New York,

starting with ripping off my cab.

- God, you're a tight-ass. - Would you like a mouthful of teeth?

Hostile, too. Nice personality combination.

That's borderline criminal.

Screw you! You spill beer, you smoke, you mess up the bathroom...

Who let you stay? I even let you pay so you didn't feel like an intruder.

- Oh, I'm an intruder? - Yes.

I was having a perfectly nice trip!

Who was it who talked my ear off on the plane? Who was that? I'm curious.

Who told you to book a room? I did. From the goodness of my heart!

You're an ungrateful jackass! Go on, sleep in the lobby.

I hope you wake up so stiff you can't even move.

You're no saint. You got a free cab, a free room.

And someone who'll listen to your boring stories.

Didn't you notice on the plane,

eventually I started reading the vomit bag?

Didn't that give you a clue, like maybe this guy's not enjoying it?

Everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate.

You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting.

You're a miracle. Your stories have none of that.

They're not even amusing accidentally.

"Honey, I'd like you to meet Del, he's got some amusing anecdotes."

"And here's a gun to blow your brains out, you'll thank me for it!"

I-I could tolerate any... any insurance seminar.

For days I could listen to them go on and on

with a big smile on my face.

They'd say, "How can you stand it?"

And I'd say, "I've been with Del Griffith. I can take anything."

You know what they'd say?

"I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy."

It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll.

I expect you have a string on your chest that I have to pull out.

Except I wouldn't pull it out. You would.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

And when you're telling these stories,

here's a good idea... have a point.

It makes it much more interesting for the listener.

You want to hurt me?

Go ahead, if it makes you feel better.

I'm an easy target.

Yeah, you're right, I talk too much.

I also listen too much.

I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you,

but I don't like to hurt people's feelings.

Well, think what you want about me. I'm not changing.

I like... I like me.

My wife likes me.

My customers like me.

Cos I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

♪ I'm back in baby's arms

♪ How I missed those lovi'n arms

♪ I am back where I belong

♪ Back in baby's arms

♪ Don't know why we quarrelled

♪ We never did before

♪ Since we found out... ♪

Del.

Hmm? Hmm?

Why did you kiss my ear?

Why are you holding my hand?

Where's your other hand?

Between two pillows.

- Those aren't pillows! - (Screams)

(Both screaming and yelling)

Grr! Whoo!

Oof! Hoo!

- See that Bears game last week? - Hell of a game.

Bears got a great team this year. They're gonna go all the way.

Ohh, yeeoow!

Ohh...

(Del) Take my socks out of the sink if you're gonna brush your teeth.

(Wife) Where are you? (Neal) 'I'm in Wichita.'

- You're still at the airport? - 'I'm at a motel with a guy I met.'

You shared a motel room with a stranger? Are you crazy?

'I'm getting there.'

Did you call the airline?

They said I have a good chance of getting on standby.

If they told you wolverines make good pets would you believe them?

I'm not spending Thanksgiving in Wichita. I've got a family waiting.

- I'll get home. - Mm. Not by aeroplane.

They got 18 hours of air traffic backed up.

Odds are we're gonna be having our turkey roll right here...

...if we wait for the flight. - How else can we get home?

Burt Dingman, my buddy, works for the railroad.

- Train? - I sold them their curtain rings.

He owes me a favour.

I'll get that. I paid for everything else. Why break precedent?

I feel like a freeloader.

- Get me on the train, we're square. - You got it.

(Del) That's the easy part.

What?

You know goddam well what.

I'm sorry. I don't.

I had over $700 in here.

I didn't touch your dough. I'm not a thief.

You went into my stuff last night?

I didn't take your money and I don't care for the accusation.

I had over $700 and you went into my wallet for pizza.

- Just maybe when you went in... - Count it!

- Like you'd keep it there. - There's $263 in there.

If there's more, then I'm a thief.

Just count it. Count it!

263, right?

- Empty. - What?

Dry.

- We were robbed. - Do you think so(?)

You know, I've been thinking.

What we're dealing with is a small-time crook.

He didn't take the credit cards, so we charge our way home.

- What plastic you carry? - Visa and a gasoline card.

And a Neiman-Marcus card in case we want to buy a gift for someone.

- What have you got? - Chalmer's Big Man Shoppe,

a chain in the Pacific Northwest.

Great stuff. But it does us no good here.

Never mind. Get me to the station and I'll take care of everything.

Gus's son's gonna pick us up.

- This is not him, is it? - Gee, I hope not.

- Are you Gus's son? - I'm Owen.

(Snorts)

- You the shower curtain fella? - Yeah. Del Griffith.

How are you?

- This is Neal Page from Chicago. - Hi.

Pleased to meet you both.

(Snorts)

I'm to drive you to Wichita to catch a train?

Yeah, we'd appreciate it.

- Train don't run out of Wichita. - Hm?

'Lessen you're a hog or cattle.

(Snorts)

People train runs out of S-Stubbville.

That'll be fine. That'll be just fine.

(Owen) Leave it be.

Get your lazy behind out and put that trunk in the back.

- Oh, no. We've got it. - It's very heavy.

She don't mind. She's short and skinny, but she's strong.

Her first baby... come out sideways.

She didn't scream or nothing.

(Del) Isn't that something?

You're a real trouper.

We've got it already. It's done.

Stubbville's a little further than Wichita.

- How much further? - 30 miles.

Maybe 40.

No more than 45, though, depending on which way he goes.

On the back roads it could be 70.

Give me the glove.

Ow! Just nipped the little part. Ooh!

Give him the goddam glove!

(Neal) Are we there yet?

(Del) No. A little way to go yet.

Beautiful country, though, isn't it?

(Neal) What's the temperature? (Del) One.

(Neal) Thanks.

They didn't have two together.

You got to be kidding me. Oh, I knew it.

I... The secretary was new, and I explained it. Oh... I'm sorry.

- I think they're just full. - It's the holidays, I guess.

Hey, we're lucky we got a ticket.

Yeah. So, if I don't see you again...

Want to get together for a drink in the bar car?

- I'm gonna get some sleep. - You sure?

Yeah. Anyway, it's been interesting.

That's the understatement of the year.

And thanks for the ticket.

Neal! I need your address. I got to pay you back for this ticket.

- Ticket's a gift. - No, come on. What's the address?

Del, it's a gift.

Happy holidays.

Same to you.

Hi. Going home for Thanksgiving?

- Yeah. - Me, too.

Just gonna make it.

(Metal grinding and scraping)

(Heavy clunk)

What did you do here?

Did he say he smelled smoke?

You walk a mile and a half to the highway,

the trucks will take you into Jefferson City.

You're in a pretty lousy mood, huh?

To say the least.

(Mice squeaking)

You ever travelled by bus before?

Hm. Your mood's probably not gonna improve much. (Chuckles)

♪ Well, I got you in my sights

♪ Just one of those nights with you

♪ And if you wanna fool around

♪ Well, let me pin you to the ground... ♪

Neal, Neal. Check that out.

♪ All the little boys are into soul

♪ And all the girls wanna rock'nroll

♪ We all wanna dance... ♪

(Del) Beats a movie on a plane, huh?

Why don't you take a picture(?)

You got busted.

Oh, that was good.

This is as good a time as any to tell you,

our tickets are only good to St Louis.

St Louis to Chi-town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass.

(Passengers) ♪... a glorious Thanksgiving day... ♪

(Del) All right!

That was fun, wasn't it?

All right. Who wants to sing a tune? Who's got a song?

- I got one, uh... - Neal Page has got one!

♪ Three coins in a fountain

♪ Each one seeking... ♪

You know this! ♪... Happiness

♪ Thrown by three hopeful lovers... ♪ No?

♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones

(All) ♪ They're the modern Stone Age family

♪ From the town of Bedrock

♪ They're a page right outta history

♪ When you're with the Flintstones

♪ Have a yabba-dabba-do time

♪ A yabba-do time

- ♪ You'll have a gay old time ♪ - (Del) Wilma!

(Del) I'm with the American Light and Fixture Company,

jewellery division, and I've got the deal of a lifetime.

This is your Diane Sawyer autographed earring.

You ever watch 60 Minutes?

Thanks.

This is Czechoslovakian ivory.

That's it. That's $5.

Great.

This is your Walter Cronkite moon ring.

Thank you.

They are filled with helium so they're light.

Thank you.

This is a Darryl Strawberry earring.

All right!

These are very special earrings.

These were originally handcrafted

for the grand wizard of China in the fourth century.

These aren't the originals but they are very good replicas.

They're $5 a pair, two for $7.

♪ Spring over the ground like a hunting hound

♪ For this is Thanksgiving day ♪

(Ringing tone)

I'm Marti Page, and I'm thankful my dad's coming home for Thanksgiving.

(Ringing tone)

(Del) You know something? It makes you look older, too.

Not just a little bit. You could pass for 18 or 19.

Did you call the wife?

(Sighs) No one was home.

Probably at my daughter's Thanksgiving Pageant.

Ohh. You missed it?

I'm sorry. Those...

those are the precious moments, too.

They don't come back again.

- I spend too much time away. - I haven't been home in years.

What, seriously?

No, it's a figure of speech. I'm on the road so much, you know.

Oh, I called a friend at Eastern Airlines. It doesn't look good.

I know. I called all the airlines.

Well, at least we're sitting on over 100 beans from my brilliant idea.

You're a terrific salesman.

You know, uh, I've been thinking, that, uh...

when we put our heads together, we really...

We've really gotten nowhere. And, uh...

I think I'm holding you up.

Oh, don't say that about yourself. That's not true, Neal.

No, I think we'll get to where we're going a lot faster

if, uh... we were alone.

OK?

OK. I see.

I think I'll just take care of this and get going.

I appreciate that. It's harder for two people to travel.

- Sure it is. - You've got reservations...

- I know. - Thanks for the meal.

That's all right. And I owe you some of this, too.

No, no, no, no.

- This is your cut. - Del, I told you...

Take the money. Buy your kids a chocolate turkey.

I'm just gonna leave it there.

Then leave it. If you want to, fine. I'm done, OK?

I've got to get going, so if you'll excuse me,

I got things to do, uh... so, uh...

Good luck, and I hope you get home soon.

- I'll see you. - Yeah, sure you will.

(Man) It's a white Lincoln Town Car. Space V-5.

V-5... V-5.

V-5.

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

The car's not there!

I need a ride back!

Oh! Ah... You...!

God damn it, God damn it, God...

'You're messi'n with the wrong guy! '

Aah!

Whoo!

'You're messi'n with the wrong guy! '

(Laughing) Oh, Jean Marie, you're a stitch.

No. Mom's gonna do the turkey.

Yeah. Dad wants Ambrosia, so I guess we'll get marshmallows.

I'll do the crescent rolls and you do the cranberries.

You know I can't cook.

- Ahem. - Yeah.

I'll see you tomorrow, then. Gobble gobble. (imitates turkey)

Ohh... bye-bye.

Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?

Yes.

How may I help you?

You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile

off your rosy fucking cheeks.

Then you can give me a fucking automobile.

A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick.

I don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

I don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of nowhere

with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there.

And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway

and across a fucking runway

to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face.

I want a fucking car right fucking now.

May I see your rental agreement?

I threw it away.

Oh, boy.

- Oh, boy, what? - You're fucked.

'You're messi'n with the wrong guy! '

OK, 86, wake up. You're gonna block the line.

- Yeah, where you going? - Chicago.

- Chicago? - Chicago.

You know you're in St Louis?

Yes, I do.

Try the airlines, they're faster and you get a free meal.

If I wanted a joke I'd watch you take a leak.

Are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?

What are you doing? I almost crushed your head like a melon.

Del?

- Get your car out of here! - Just a minute, OK?

Get it out of here!

What is your problem? You insensitive asshole!

Can't you see we've got an injured man here?

Now, I'll move my car but you help him up.

- No! - My pleasure.

(Del) I had a feeling that when we parted ways,

somehow, someday, our paths would cross again.

Are you all right?

I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles.

Lucky that cop passed by when he did

or you'd be lifting your schnutz to tie your shoes.

(Chuckling) I'm sorry, that's terrible.

You know, I'm glad I didn't kill you.

(High pitched voice) I wish you had.

Oh, you don't mean that. Remember, go with the flow.

(Neal) How, when the rental agency leaves me keys

to a car that isn't there,

then I hike three miles back to find out they don't have any more cars?

I got a car, no sweat at all.

- Well, Del, you're a charmed man. - Nope.

(Neal) Oh, I know. You just go with the flow.

(Del) Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream.

♪ Pulled out of Pittsburgh rolli'n down the eastern seaboard

♪ I got my diesel wound up she's runni'n like never before

♪ There's a speed zone ahead, all right

♪ But I ain't seen a cop all night

♪ Six days on the road and I'm gonna make it home tonight... ♪

(Chair motor whining)

Please stop doing that with the seat.

Start screwing with these and you never get comfortable.

- Quit screwing with it. - I gotta get comfortable.

Do you have a bad back? I do, and there's only a couple good positions.

You'll break it.

Ahh.

Done.

Ah, lovely.

Lovely, lovely.

- Oh, damn it. - What now?

(Del) I can't reach my feet to get my shoes off.

(Neal) That's fine. Leave your shoes on.

(Del) I can't relax that way.

I don't care to breathe your foot odor.

It must be swell to be so perfect and odor-free.

There's things about you that bother me but I don't bring them up.

- Really? - That's right.

- What? - Lots of things.

- Name one. - You want me to name one?

- Yeah. - Fine, er...

You play with your balls a lot. Mm.

I do not play with my balls.

Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball handling as you.

- Are you trying to start a fight? - No, I'm stating a fact, that's all.

- You know what'd make me happy? - More balls and extra fingers?

Oh, that's... that's... that's real humour!

It would make me happy if you shut up.

- My pleasure. - I like silence when I drive.

- No problem. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

(Neal) You broke the seat.

You broke the damn seat. I don't believe it.

It wasn't broken when I got out.

- You messed around and broke it. - It's impossible to break.

Impossible?

- Wanna drive? - No. Why did you do this?

(Chair motor whining)

I won't be held responsible for faulty engineering.

Well, this is comfortable. This is really comfortable.

I don't want to argue. Let's not fight.

All right, all right.

- I'm gonna go to sleep. - All right.

My wallet's in the glove compartment. Don't let me forget it.

All right.

(Radio blaring)

♪ Ah, you can talk about the pit

♪ Barbecue

♪ The band was jumpi'n

♪ The people, too, I mess around

♪ They're doi'n the mess around

♪ They're doi'n the mess around

♪ Everybody doi'n the mess around

♪ Now-ow, when I say stop don't you move a peg

♪ When I say go just shake your leg

♪ And do the mess around

♪ I declare, do the mess around

♪ Now, let me have it there, boy

♪ (Piano solo)

♪ Now you got it, boy

♪ Yeah! Go on, mess around!

♪ (Saxophone solo)

♪ Now this band's gonna play from nine to one

♪ Everybody here's gonna have some fun

♪ Doi'n the mess around

♪ They're doi'n the mess around

♪ Everybody do the mess around ♪

(DJ) 'That was Ray Charles, "Doi'n The Mess Around".

'Looking outside, the weather's clearing... '

Whew.

(Tires screech)

(Tires screeching)

Oh, come on.

All right.

Ohh, shit!

Ohh... Oh.

(Tires squeal)

There you go.

Think it out. Just relax.

Let go! Let go!

(Tires screeching)

(Screaming)

What's happening?

Oh, w-we almost hit a deer. That's all.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I'm fine.

It's awful hot. Take your parka off.

Yes. Yes, I will.

(Horns blaring)

(Man) There's a guy on the wrong side of the highway. He'll kill somebody!

- (Honking horn) - Oh, my God!

(Man) Hey! Hey!

(Honks horn)

Hey, what's going on?

Some joker wants to race.

- Turn around! - Don't race. That's ridiculous.

All right, come on. Let's go.

Put your window down!

- He wants something. - He's probably drunk.

(Man) You're going the wrong way!

- What? - You're going the wrong way!

- He says we're going the wrong way. - Oh, he's drunk.

How would he know where we're going?

Yeah, how would he know?

Thank you. Thanks a lot. Terrific.

Thank you.

- (Honks horn) - What a moron.

You're going in the wrong direction!

You're going to kill somebody!

You're going the wrong way!

(Horns blaring)

- Truck. Truck. - What?

(Screaming)

(Evil laughter)

(Creaking and rattling)

(Honks horn)

Well, this isn't so bad.

I thought it'd be a lot worse than this.

They'll be able to buff this out.

Oh, yeah.

Wow!

I mean, that was close.

We can laugh about it now. We're all right.

The whole, uh...

Maybe we should get my stuff off the road? What do you think? Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Oh, my back!

Ohh! God.

(Groaning)

Come on. Here we go.

Thanks.

Put it down for a second.

(Neal) Whew. What a night.

(Fire ignites)

(Glass tinkles)

What?

What?

You finally did it to yourself.

Huh?

I mean, good luck turning the car in.

They'll be happy as pigs in shit to see you.

How could you rent the thing anyway without a credit card?

You couldn't. How could you do it?

I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings.

You can't rent a car with shower curtain rings.

Well, uh...

somehow your, uh...

Diner's Club card wound up in my wallet,

- and I, uh, just... - You stole it!

- Not exactly. - You stole my card!

I didn't!

You stole my card, rented a car and burned it!

I found it in my wallet! I thought you put it there.

Why would I put it there?!

- Kindness? - Kindness?

Kindness? You stole it!

He stole it!

No, I was going to send it back to you

with whatever the rental car charge was.

You didn't give me your address! You just ditched me.

I had no money, no cards, nothing.

- Give it back! - I can't!

Why not?

Because!

Because why?

Because when we stopped to gas up I put the card back in your wallet.

Are you mad at me?

(Yells)

(Rattling)

You could've killed me, slugging me in the gut.

That's how Houdini died.

Ow. Ah!

(Del) One good thing - with all this fresh air, we'll sleep like babies.

Neal? Hey, hey, Neal, wait up.

I need one room.

If you're pissed, we should get separate rooms.

- Get your own room. - I need a credit card.

All right. All right.

I have, uh...

Diner's...

Visa... and a gasoline card.

(Receptionist) Uh... these aren't...

uh, credit cards.

- All right. I'll pay cash. Cash. - 42.50.

How about... $17?

I can't do that.

Please. Have mercy.

I've been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.

I can vouch for that.

I don't... I don't own the place.

$17 and a hell of a nice watch.

Ouch.

Um, would you like a room?

I got a slight problem here. I don't have the 42.50.

You have $17 and a good watch?

No, I don't. I have, uh...

I have $2 and, uh...

and a Casio.

Mm. I'm going to have to say good night, so...

Well, Marie, once again, my dear, you were as right as rain.

I am, without a doubt, the biggest pain in the butt

that ever came down the pike.

I meet someone whose company I really enjoy, and what do I do?

I go overboard.

I smother the poor soul.

I cause him more trouble than he has a right to.

God, I got a big mouth.

(Sighs)

When am I ever gonna wake up?

I wish you were here with me right now.

But I guess... that's not gonna happen.

Not now, anyway.

What did I do to get hooked up with this guy?

You're gonna freeze to death out there.

- How's your drink? - It's good.

Go for another one?

Where you been?

Ever been to Italy? You had Amaretto?

Yeah. This is a gin. Is there a tequila there?

Ahem. A little Mexican trip.

- Tequila? - Here you go. Coming up.

Is this a good combo or what?

No. Probably not.

Me, I'm going back to, uh, Jamaica.

(Bad Jamaican accent) Jamaica, man. Have some rum, man.

Dig it. Iree, iree, man.

Oh, shit.

You know, when I'm dead and buried, all I'll have to prove I was here

was some shower curtain rings that didn't fall down.

Great legacy, huh?

At the very least, at the absolute minimum,

you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?

You love her, don't you?

Love is not a big enough word.

It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife.

- To the wives. - To the wives.

Wow.

Well, let me just close this conversation

by saying you are one unique individual.

What is unique? Latin for "asshole"?

- Grab the vodka or I'll kick 'em. - Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you...

As much trouble as I've had, one day I'll look back and laugh.

(Chuckling) You think so?

Oh, I'm laughing already.

(Del) Oh, God.

When that car blew up.

Was that seat hot or what?

I felt like a big Whopper. Turn me over. I'm done on this side.

I'm afraid to look at my ass, I'll have griddle marks on my ass...

(Pop)

(Laughing) What is that?

(Laughing) Potato chips.

They're everywhere!

Ahh!

(Laughing)

This feels like summer camp.

(Laughing) Ahh!

(Groaning with laughter)

Now, how the hell does this turn off?

Oh! (Laughing)

- (Buzzing) - (Del yells)

(Neal) Just a minute.

- Give it a good push. - All right.

- All right. - Oh, jeez.

(Engine revs)

- Push! Push! - I am! I am!

(Del) Push, for Christ's sake!

- We have to rock it. - All right. OK.

(Del) Up and down. Here we go. Ready?

- Yeah. - Here we go.

Reverse!

- Aww! - Huh.

Get in!

Go!

(Both) ♪ Blue moon of Kentucky, keep on shinin'

♪ Shine on the one who's gone and proved untrue

♪ Blue moon of Kentucky, keep on shinin'

♪ Shine on the one who's gone and left me blue

♪ It was on a moonlit night

♪ Stars shinin' bright

♪ They whispered from on high

♪ Your love has said goodbye

♪ Blue moon of Kentucky, keep on shinin'... ♪

(Beeps)

(Siren wails)

(Neal) Oh.

Oh, great. Great. A cop. Watch it!

How fast are you going?

I can't tell. The speedometer's melted.

(Del) Top of the morning, Officer. (Neal) Hi.

(Del) Is there something I can help you with?

- What the hell you driving? - We had a small fire last night.

You know how fast you were going?

I was just talking to my friend about that.

Our speedometer's melted so it's very hard to say how fast we were going.

78 miles an hour.

(Whistles) 78, huh?

Well, yeah. I could buy that. Sure.

You'd know better than us, specially since we got a melted speedometer.

Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?

Yes, I do. I really do. I believe that...

It's not pretty but it'll get you where you want to go.

- You got no outside mirror. - We lost that.

- You have no functioning gauges. - No, not a one.

However, the radio still works, funny as that may seem.

The radio's the only thing that's working.

It's clear as a bell. Don't ask me how.

- I can't let you go in this vehicle. - Can't what?

It's not fit for the road.

It'll be impounded until it can be made safe for travel.

OK, Officer, I admit I broke the law, and for that I'm really sorry.

You got me there and I won't argue one iota, I swear.

However, um...

if you impound our car,

I'm gonna be unable to get my friend home for his Thanksgiving dinner.

(Lorry horn honking)

(Honking)

Well, our ship has come in.

It's free, and it's non-stop.

- I said I'd get you home. - So long as the heater works.

The driver's a little freaky about people riding in his cab.

- So we can't sit there. - Then where are we supposed to ride?

Beats walking, huh?

You're gonna be in Chicago in less than three hours, around there.

If we don't hit any traffic, and I don't think we should.

It's Thanksgiving.

We're moving now.

You believe this?

- It's been a hell of a trip. - Sure has.

But, uh, after all's said and done, you got me home and I appreciate it.

Next time, let's go first class, all right?

- I hope there isn't a next time. - I know what you mean!

(Train approaching)

This you?

Yeah.

It's been great meeting you. Sorry if I caused any trouble.

No, you didn't, you got me home, and, uh... a little late...

Coupla days.

But, uh... I'm a little wiser, too, so...

Me, too.

- Happy holidays. - Same to you.

Happy Thanksgiving, Neal. Give my love to the family.

- Maybe I'll meet them one day. - Say hello to Marie for me.

Yeah.

So...

OK.

- And have a happy Thanksgiving. - Hey, you know it.

So long.

I like... I like me.

My wife likes me.

At the very least, the absolute minimum,

you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?

I spend too much time away.

I haven't been home in years. (Echoing)

Del, what are you doing here?

You said you were going home. What are you doing here?

I, uh...

I don't have a home.

Marie's been dead for eight years.

Boy, you are one lucky guy, Neal.

(Neal) I know.

I won't stay long. Maybe I'll just say hi, then I'll be on my way.

Just come on.

(Doorbell)

Hiya, kiddo.

Daddy!

(All) Hey! Hey!

Neal's home!

(Neal) Del, my father-in-law, Walt,

my mother-in-law, Peg, my mother, Joy, and my dad, Martin.

This little guy's Neal Jr, my little gem, Marti,

and somewhere around here is my baby boy, Seth.

Honey, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.

Hello, Mr Griffith.

Hello, Mrs Page.

♪ Every time you go away

♪ You take a piece of me with you

♪ Every time you go away

♪ You take a piece of me with you

♪ Ooh-hoo

♪ Go on and go free

♪ Maybe you're too close to see

♪ I can feel your body move

♪ Yeah

♪ It doesn't mean that much to me

♪ Can't go on

♪ Sayin' the same thing

♪ Can't you see we've got everything

♪ Even though, you know, you know, yeah

♪ Every time you go away

♪ You take a piece of me

♪ Take a piece of me with you ♪

(Jet engine roars)

(Car engine revs)

♪ You're messing with the wrong guy!

♪ I can take anything

♪ Who's that?

♪ You're no saint

♪ I never did introduce myself, Del Griffith

♪ Del Griffith, Del Griffith

♪ Del Griffith ♪ I can take anything

♪ Wow! (Laughing) ♪

(Laughing)

♪ I mean, that was close

♪ You're messing with the wrong guy!

♪ We can laugh about it now, we're all right (Laughing)

♪ Del Griffith, Del Griffith, D-D-D-Del

♪ Who's that?

♪ You're no saint

- ♪ Del Griffith - ♪ Who's that?

♪ I can take anything

♪ We can laugh about it

♪ How can you stand it?

♪ How can you stand it?

♪ Del Griffith

♪ Who's that?

♪ How can you stand it?

♪ Del Griffith

♪ How can you stand it? ♪

(Laughing)

♪ I mean, that was close

♪ You're messing with the wrong guy!

♪ We can laugh about it now, we're all right (Laughing)

♪ Del Griffith, Del Griffith, D-D-D-Del

♪ Who's that?

♪ You're no saint

- ♪ Del Griffith - ♪ Who's that?

♪ I can take anything ♪

(Muttering)

Let's see.