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1
00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:55,460
(LOUD MOANING)
2
00:00:55,908 --> 00:00:57,119
(KELLY CRIES OUT)
3
00:00:57,576 --> 00:00:59,129
(LAUGHING)
4
00:00:59,202 --> 00:01:01,705
KELLY: Faster, go faster!
KEITH: That's as fast as I can go.
5
00:01:01,788 --> 00:01:04,006
KELLY: Slower, slower!
KEITH: Fast or slow'? Make your mind up.
6
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:05,672
KELLY: Oh. No, not there. No!
7
00:01:05,749 --> 00:01:06,792
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
8
00:01:06,875 --> 00:01:08,215
KEITH: Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to put it in there.
9
00:01:08,292 --> 00:01:09,503
They're so close together, aren't they'?
10
00:01:09,627 --> 00:01:10,718
(KELLY WHIMPERS)
11
00:01:10,794 --> 00:01:12,004
KEITH: Just lay down on your back.
On your back.
12
00:01:12,087 --> 00:01:13,130
Okay.
13
00:01:13,213 --> 00:01:14,719
(BOTH MOANING)
14
00:01:16,090 --> 00:01:17,300
(BOTH CRY OUT)
15
00:01:17,382 --> 00:01:19,138
- KEITH: I'm gonna blow me beans!
- (KELLY SCREAMING)
16
00:01:19,217 --> 00:01:21,186
Wahey!
17
00:01:24,930 --> 00:01:29,069
(SIGHS LOUDLY) Thanks for letting me
seagull your beautiful bangers.
18
00:01:32,143 --> 00:01:35,986
The icing on the cookie. It was lovely.
19
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:37,654
(SIGHS)
20
00:01:38,231 --> 00:01:40,070
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
21
00:01:41,525 --> 00:01:42,699
Keith?
22
00:01:42,776 --> 00:01:43,868
Yeah'?
23
00:01:44,736 --> 00:01:47,998
I just want you to know
that I'm not with you
24
00:01:48,072 --> 00:01:51,784
because you're a disgustingly rich,
successful businessman,
25
00:01:52,658 --> 00:01:54,580
or devastatingly handsome...
26
00:01:54,702 --> 00:01:55,994
Yeah, I know.
27
00:01:56,078 --> 00:01:57,465
It's 'cause I've got
a nice personality, haven't I'?
28
00:01:57,537 --> 00:01:59,542
But me handsomeness
is a faculty though, innit?
29
00:01:59,622 --> 00:02:01,626
Ooh, yeah. I mean, of
course, it's a faculty.
30
00:02:01,748 --> 00:02:04,595
You know, my knees tremble with lust
whenever I come near you.
31
00:02:04,709 --> 00:02:06,096
Do they'?
32
00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:10,549
You're the kind of hunky sex god
I've been looking for all my life,
33
00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:12,006
the man I always hoped I'd marry.
34
00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:13,596
- Honestly'?
- Well...
35
00:02:14,716 --> 00:02:16,223
- Not really.
- Eh?
36
00:02:16,301 --> 00:02:18,804
Everything I'm saying is coming out
of your dirty little mind.
37
00:02:18,886 --> 00:02:21,733
You don't honestly think I'd let you
seagull my bangers in real life, do you'?
38
00:02:21,805 --> 00:02:24,059
- Yeah.
- This is a dream.
39
00:02:24,182 --> 00:02:25,937
Your girlfriend is stood there watching us.
40
00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:27,481
- Hiya, Keith.
- Rosie!
41
00:02:28,476 --> 00:02:30,528
Oh, it's fine, I don't mind you
sea-gulling Kelly Brook's bangers.
42
00:02:30,603 --> 00:02:32,362
She's one of your "would if you could"
top-three celebrities.
43
00:02:32,396 --> 00:02:33,871
- Plus, you're never gonna meet her.
- She's right.
44
00:02:33,897 --> 00:02:35,238
You're never gonna meet me.
45
00:02:35,315 --> 00:02:37,201
She's right, you know'?
You're never gonna meet her.
46
00:02:37,316 --> 00:02:39,155
This is all just a dream.
47
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:41,661
UK garage sensation Craig David,
48
00:02:42,278 --> 00:02:45,291
- get out of my dream!
- (LAUGHING EVILLY)
49
00:02:49,033 --> 00:02:50,207
(GASPS)
50
00:02:50,284 --> 00:02:51,494
(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)
51
00:02:51,577 --> 00:02:53,249
(UK GARAGE TUNE PLAYS ON RADIO)
52
00:02:54,162 --> 00:02:55,289
(FARTS)
(SIGHS)
53
00:02:58,624 --> 00:02:59,751
(MUSIC STOPS)
54
00:03:02,668 --> 00:03:04,424
(BLEEPING RINGTONE)
55
00:03:10,674 --> 00:03:11,718
Hello'?
56
00:03:12,009 --> 00:03:14,855
- Hiya, Keith. It's Rosie.
- Hello?
57
00:03:15,595 --> 00:03:17,979
- I can't hear you.
- (LAUGHS) Keith'? It's Rosie.
58
00:03:18,096 --> 00:03:21,109
- I haven't got me thing in.
- Keith, what are you doing?
59
00:03:21,182 --> 00:03:23,483
- Just sticking me thing in.
- (STATIC) What are you putting in?
60
00:03:23,559 --> 00:03:24,982
Right, the thing's in. Hello, who is it'?
61
00:03:25,143 --> 00:03:26,614
It's Rosie.
62
00:03:27,061 --> 00:03:30,240
Rosie, it's Keith.
I was just dreaming about you.
63
00:03:31,023 --> 00:03:33,157
Aw... Was it a romantic dream'?
64
00:03:33,399 --> 00:03:35,985
Yeah, I sea-gulled all over your bangers.
65
00:03:36,068 --> 00:03:37,195
Aw...
66
00:03:37,944 --> 00:03:39,332
- I love you.
- Yeah, I know.
67
00:03:42,031 --> 00:03:43,323
Say it then.
68
00:03:44,074 --> 00:03:45,794
I do you, too.
69
00:03:46,701 --> 00:03:47,744
I miss ya.
70
00:03:47,993 --> 00:03:49,630
I'm comin' back tomorrow.
71
00:03:49,953 --> 00:03:55,634
And, anyway, Rosie, who else can make
a mashed potato sandwich like you'?
72
00:03:57,167 --> 00:03:58,258
Is it nice?
73
00:03:58,418 --> 00:03:59,461
(COUGHS)
74
00:04:01,337 --> 00:04:03,756
(MUFFLED) I'm having it
for me breakfast now.
75
00:04:03,838 --> 00:04:05,808
It's the best mashed potato sandwich
I ever had in me life.
76
00:04:06,799 --> 00:04:11,519
Listen, I've got to be down here for
t'lnvention Convention thing, haven't I'?
77
00:04:11,678 --> 00:04:14,227
It's gonna take Securipole
to a higher plateau.
78
00:04:14,304 --> 00:04:17,234
This time, Rosie, it's
the big time this time.
79
00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:19,858
- So what time do you have to be there'?
- 9:00.
80
00:04:22,310 --> 00:04:23,698
And what time is it now?
81
00:04:25,354 --> 00:04:26,481
It's 10:00.
82
00:04:26,772 --> 00:04:27,815
Ass fucked!
83
00:04:27,898 --> 00:04:30,780
I'm, oh, so very late!
84
00:04:30,858 --> 00:04:33,575
(FAVOURITE SHIRTS [BOY MEETS GIRL]
BY HAIRCUT ONE HUNDRED PLAYS)
85
00:05:02,590 --> 00:05:04,345
Bang tidy...
86
00:05:14,390 --> 00:05:16,027
Fit.
87
00:05:19,728 --> 00:05:23,404
Okay, the reason that I've organised
this corporate dinner tonight
88
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:27,406
is to tell you both that,
in two and a half days from now,
89
00:05:27,483 --> 00:05:29,203
I'm going to t'Big Apple.
90
00:05:29,443 --> 00:05:30,736
New York?
91
00:05:31,278 --> 00:05:33,745
No, other Big Apple, London.
92
00:05:36,282 --> 00:05:38,867
It's time to take Securipole global.
93
00:05:39,284 --> 00:05:43,624
America, Australia, maybe even Torquay.
94
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,880
Why d'you want to go to London now
when we've only just set up'?
95
00:05:51,793 --> 00:05:54,510
Don't you think we should try
and sell some poles around here first,
96
00:05:54,587 --> 00:05:56,722
and then, you know, expand slowly'?
97
00:05:56,797 --> 00:05:59,893
Rosie, the only thing
that's gonna be expanding slowly
98
00:06:00,049 --> 00:06:02,813
is my big, fat tallywacker in your mouth
99
00:06:03,218 --> 00:06:05,638
when we're making sweet love. (LAUGHS)
100
00:06:11,474 --> 00:06:13,064
I always wanted to go to that London,
101
00:06:13,142 --> 00:06:15,478
but me dad said it was likely
that I'd get stabbed.
102
00:06:15,644 --> 00:06:16,854
No, that's not likely.
103
00:06:16,936 --> 00:06:18,692
- Or bummed.
- That won't happen.
104
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:21,483
Or bummed and stabbed.
105
00:06:21,565 --> 00:06:23,569
- By a terrorist.
- That might happen.
106
00:06:27,945 --> 00:06:30,744
And, Douglas, whilst I'm away,
look after Rosie,
107
00:06:30,822 --> 00:06:33,918
I'm making you the main man.
You're gonna be me.
108
00:06:38,953 --> 00:06:41,917
Rosie, don't you worry.
Whilst I'm down that London,
109
00:06:42,247 --> 00:06:46,718
I won't look at another bird,
no matter how FAF they are.
110
00:06:48,668 --> 00:06:49,712
"FAF"?
111
00:06:51,045 --> 00:06:53,014
KEITH: Fit as Fuck.
112
00:06:53,588 --> 00:06:56,435
- (MAN WHISTLES)
- I would go balls deep on that.
113
00:06:57,216 --> 00:06:59,055
- MAN 1: Phwoar!
- MAN 2: Hang out the back of that.
114
00:06:59,384 --> 00:07:02,563
SPEAKER: Order. Would the right honourable
gentlemen please calm down?
115
00:07:07,057 --> 00:07:08,231
Taxi!
116
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:23,987
Oi!
117
00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:26,702
Thanks very much for letting me
share your London black cab.
118
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:27,871
It's okay.
119
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,952
I've got to say, you're
my favourite Spice Girl.
120
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:33,083
Aw, I bet you say that
to all the Spice Girls, don't you'?
121
00:07:33,243 --> 00:07:35,164
No, I don't. I've never
met any Spice Girls.
122
00:07:35,244 --> 00:07:36,371
Oh.
123
00:07:36,495 --> 00:07:37,622
Uh... This is me.
124
00:07:37,704 --> 00:07:39,791
Oh, don't you pay. I'll get this.
Don't worry about that.
125
00:07:39,873 --> 00:07:41,758
It's not every day you meet
your favourite Spice Girl, is it'?
126
00:07:41,832 --> 00:07:43,504
Okay, thanks. Cheers.
127
00:07:43,584 --> 00:07:44,794
- Ta-ta.
- Bye.
128
00:07:48,587 --> 00:07:50,674
South Bank, please. Oh!
129
00:07:50,756 --> 00:07:52,013
Sorry. I thought the cab was free.
130
00:07:52,090 --> 00:07:53,347
No worries.
131
00:07:53,466 --> 00:07:56,728
I've got to say, you're
my favourite Spice Girl.
132
00:07:57,052 --> 00:07:58,854
I bet you say that to all the Spice Girls.
133
00:07:58,928 --> 00:08:00,185
No, I've never met any Spice Girls.
134
00:08:00,263 --> 00:08:01,473
Well, I have, I've just met the Baby one.
135
00:08:01,555 --> 00:08:04,188
- Nice. Emma.
- Yeah, Emma Bunt-on.
136
00:08:04,808 --> 00:08:07,144
So let me tell you a bit about myself.
I sell Securipoles.
137
00:08:07,268 --> 00:08:09,771
And tell you what, 'cause
you're a Spice Girl,
138
00:08:09,853 --> 00:08:12,273
I could do you a good deal,
I could stick one in your front passage,
139
00:08:12,355 --> 00:08:13,991
or I could stick one in your back passage.
140
00:08:14,064 --> 00:08:15,357
It's up to you.
141
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,410
Oh, do you know what'?
I think this is where I get out,
142
00:08:17,525 --> 00:08:19,530
- but it was so lovely to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
143
00:08:19,610 --> 00:08:20,820
Yeah'? Good luck in London and everything.
144
00:08:20,903 --> 00:08:21,946
Thanks.
145
00:08:22,029 --> 00:08:24,993
- Good luck with what you're doing. Bye.
- Bye.
146
00:08:25,198 --> 00:08:28,376
GRUFF VOICE: Taxi! Hold up!
147
00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:34,665
Come on, then, tell me
I'm your favourite Spice Girl. (LAUGHS)
148
00:08:34,746 --> 00:08:36,336
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- You're my favourite Spice Girl.
149
00:08:36,414 --> 00:08:41,384
- Thanks, I'll run from here. Cheers!
- DRIVER: Stingy bastard!
150
00:08:41,460 --> 00:08:44,009
- Oh my days! Simon Pegg.
- Gary Barlow.
151
00:08:44,087 --> 00:08:46,886
- Oh, from Boyzone'?
- You're thinking of Ronan Keating.
152
00:08:46,964 --> 00:08:48,684
No, I was thinking of Simon Pegg.
153
00:08:48,798 --> 00:08:50,637
Hey, I wouldn't go in there.
It's Scary Spice.
154
00:08:50,716 --> 00:08:51,936
She's scratching her grapes and everything.
155
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:53,302
It's terrible. It stinks.
156
00:08:53,385 --> 00:08:54,726
SCARY SPICE: Can you smell that'?
157
00:08:54,803 --> 00:08:56,642
- Me minge is kicking out a reet pong!
- (TYRES SCREECH)
158
00:08:56,721 --> 00:08:58,192
BARLOW: Fuckin' hell.
159
00:08:58,264 --> 00:09:00,185
SCARY SPICE: Oh, you're a prude,
Barlow, you are.
160
00:09:00,265 --> 00:09:01,439
You're a fuckin' prude.
161
00:09:04,268 --> 00:09:07,649
Here I am,
at the Invention Convention in London,
162
00:09:07,729 --> 00:09:10,528
where the world's best
inventors and entrepreneurs
163
00:09:10,648 --> 00:09:13,744
are hoping to come up
with the revolutionary idea
164
00:09:13,817 --> 00:09:15,109
that will change the world.
165
00:09:15,193 --> 00:09:18,786
As the slogan suggests,
it's where dreams come true.
166
00:09:20,989 --> 00:09:24,001
Excuse me, can you tell me where
the Convention Invention is, please?
167
00:09:24,074 --> 00:09:25,415
Over there, mate.
168
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,173
FEMALE ON PA:
Welcome to the Invention Convention.
169
00:09:30,246 --> 00:09:32,499
Of course it is. Okay.
170
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:34,631
(EXHALES)
171
00:09:34,749 --> 00:09:35,959
Let's do this.
172
00:09:36,125 --> 00:09:38,176
WOMAN ON PA: Please keep off the grass.
173
00:09:44,089 --> 00:09:45,595
(WHIRRING)
174
00:09:52,095 --> 00:09:53,436
So, it removes your nasal hairs,
175
00:09:53,513 --> 00:09:55,268
but would it remove
the hairs from your testicles?
176
00:09:55,598 --> 00:09:58,444
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Waterbot.
177
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:01,822
I am Waterbot.
178
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:06,774
Taste it.
179
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,911
WATERBOT: Yeah, taste it.
180
00:10:13,527 --> 00:10:16,208
- It makes me wanna... Like, I wanna...
- Wanna...
181
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,371
BOTH: Dance!
182
00:10:17,447 --> 00:10:19,037
(BOTH GRUNTING)
183
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:23,411
BOTH: Power grab! Power grab!
184
00:10:23,493 --> 00:10:24,703
Power grab!
185
00:10:28,914 --> 00:10:32,128
(LAUGHING) Oh, bloody twazzocks.
186
00:10:36,086 --> 00:10:37,473
Ooosh!
187
00:10:37,545 --> 00:10:38,933
(SHOES SQUEAK)
188
00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:40,048
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
189
00:10:40,130 --> 00:10:42,135
(HUSHED)
This time is the big time this time.
190
00:10:42,215 --> 00:10:44,018
I'm Sylvester Stallone.
191
00:10:44,842 --> 00:10:46,432
Demolition Man.
192
00:10:46,510 --> 00:10:48,182
I can do this.
193
00:10:50,888 --> 00:10:54,234
Ladies and gentlemen,
allow me to introduce you
194
00:10:54,308 --> 00:10:59,360
to something that has travelled
back from the future to the past,
195
00:10:59,436 --> 00:11:02,235
right here to the present time,
196
00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:06,239
to protect your automoto vehicle.
197
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:11,206
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Securipole.
198
00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:19,085
I shall now demonstrate
an extremely quick erection.
199
00:11:27,957 --> 00:11:29,001
(WOMAN COUGHS)
200
00:11:30,876 --> 00:11:32,715
Sha-ting!
201
00:11:38,215 --> 00:11:39,258
Now,
202
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:43,262
who would like a free consultation
without any obligation
203
00:11:43,344 --> 00:11:45,064
across the nation?
204
00:11:46,346 --> 00:11:47,686
Anyone'?
205
00:11:47,764 --> 00:11:49,851
- Yes, sir, would you like a brochure?
- No.
206
00:11:50,224 --> 00:11:53,604
Some bumph, pamphlets'? No'? Okay.
Have a nice day.
207
00:11:58,230 --> 00:11:59,403
Oh, no.
208
00:12:00,148 --> 00:12:02,069
I like it!
209
00:12:02,524 --> 00:12:05,074
I like it big-time.
210
00:12:05,693 --> 00:12:08,907
It's shiny, neat, compact, simple.
211
00:12:09,363 --> 00:12:12,043
The name is Rihal. Kushvinder Rihal.
212
00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:16,578
Well, Kushvinder, nice to meet you.
My name's Keith.
213
00:12:16,952 --> 00:12:19,455
50, um, what's your business'?
What you shifting?
214
00:12:22,122 --> 00:12:23,333
What, is it a secret?
215
00:12:23,957 --> 00:12:27,550
I have taken the buttons
from a mobile phone device
216
00:12:27,626 --> 00:12:30,473
and replaced them with no buttons.
217
00:12:32,755 --> 00:12:34,012
My friend,
218
00:12:34,131 --> 00:12:36,848
I give you the world's first.
219
00:12:36,925 --> 00:12:40,851
Touchy, Screeny,
Phone Invention Type Invention,
220
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:43,355
it's called the Tisipiti.
221
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,936
Titistipi?
222
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,224
Tisipiti.
223
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,560
Tisipisti'? Pisitist'?
It's called Pisitist'?
224
00:12:48,975 --> 00:12:51,276
Sisipis'? Pisipis'?
225
00:12:51,394 --> 00:12:52,521
Tisipiti.
226
00:12:53,020 --> 00:12:54,740
I can't read Spanish.
What does it say'? Tistipi...
227
00:12:54,896 --> 00:12:55,940
Tisipiti.
228
00:12:56,147 --> 00:12:57,701
Piss on titties'?
229
00:12:58,524 --> 00:13:00,742
This is my problem!
230
00:13:00,817 --> 00:13:04,827
The device is revolutionary,
but name of it is shit.
231
00:13:04,945 --> 00:13:06,203
It's a bit shit.
232
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:10,538
Nobody wants to buy a bloody phone
with no buttons with a shit name.
233
00:13:11,325 --> 00:13:14,172
This bloody... This phone.
234
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:16,538
What are you doing?
235
00:13:16,704 --> 00:13:19,468
This phone is curse of my life.
236
00:13:19,790 --> 00:13:22,506
However, as far as I am concerned,
237
00:13:22,583 --> 00:13:27,553
I have never seen the public
presentation as captivating as yours.
238
00:13:27,629 --> 00:13:28,672
Oh, thanks.
239
00:13:29,047 --> 00:13:32,427
And the cavalier attitude
was sound as a pound.
240
00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:35,769
So, my friend, please, please, I beg you,
241
00:13:35,843 --> 00:13:37,682
take the phone and do what you will.
242
00:13:39,304 --> 00:13:42,649
You can give me 8.2% gross corridor
if you make any money.
243
00:13:43,224 --> 00:13:45,109
But I'm giving up on this product.
244
00:13:45,475 --> 00:13:47,065
So, it's all yours, Keith.
245
00:13:47,518 --> 00:13:48,811
(LAUGHS) What do you say'?
246
00:13:49,645 --> 00:13:51,151
Well, I've got me own business,
haven't I'? Secur...
247
00:13:51,271 --> 00:13:52,824
What do you say'?
248
00:13:52,897 --> 00:13:55,531
- You can't just give all your...
- What do you say'?
249
00:13:55,608 --> 00:13:56,818
(SIGHS)
250
00:13:58,735 --> 00:13:59,827
Okay.
251
00:14:01,946 --> 00:14:03,452
Ah. I feel free.
252
00:14:03,614 --> 00:14:05,037
How do you turn it on then?
253
00:14:05,907 --> 00:14:09,584
WOMAN ON PA: Attention, this is
an announcement for all exhibitors.
254
00:14:10,952 --> 00:14:14,748
Please pack up your inventions.
The show is over.
255
00:14:15,664 --> 00:14:17,052
You're telling me.
256
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,128
(SIGHS)
257
00:14:28,507 --> 00:14:30,144
Going global.
258
00:14:32,885 --> 00:14:34,972
(DICKHEAD
BY KATE NASH PLAYING)
259
00:14:35,679 --> 00:14:38,098
♪ Why you being a dickhead for?
260
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:41,312
♪ You're just fucking up situations
261
00:14:41,392 --> 00:14:43,977
♪ Why you being a dickhead for?
262
00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:46,278
♪ Stop being a dickhead ♪
263
00:14:51,566 --> 00:14:53,405
I wish Rosie was here.
264
00:14:53,651 --> 00:14:55,453
She'd know what to do.
265
00:14:57,237 --> 00:14:58,743
Well, I told ya.
266
00:14:58,821 --> 00:15:01,454
You should try and sell
some poles in Leeds first,
267
00:15:01,531 --> 00:15:03,002
expand the business slowly.
268
00:15:03,074 --> 00:15:04,664
It's not gonna just
happen overnight, Keith.
269
00:15:05,451 --> 00:15:08,713
Rosie, I need some TLC.
270
00:15:08,787 --> 00:15:10,459
Some Tender Lemon Cuddles.
271
00:15:10,538 --> 00:15:11,665
Come here.
272
00:15:13,749 --> 00:15:15,753
- I miss you.
- I miss you.
273
00:15:15,875 --> 00:15:17,796
(ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS)
274
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:26,467
- Will you nosh me off'?
- (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
275
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,140
It's cold out, will you be quick'?
276
00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:30,721
I'll be really quick
and it'll make me feel much better.
277
00:15:31,470 --> 00:15:33,938
- Okay.
- Thanks.
278
00:15:34,806 --> 00:15:37,771
Just put that in your mouth there.
Yeah, there you go.
279
00:15:37,850 --> 00:15:38,977
Ooh.
280
00:15:39,142 --> 00:15:41,194
Oh. Use some tongue. Yeah.
281
00:15:41,269 --> 00:15:43,439
Just manoeuvre your head. Move around.
282
00:15:44,146 --> 00:15:45,818
(MOANING)
283
00:15:49,734 --> 00:15:51,703
I'll tell you what, let's lay down.
284
00:15:52,569 --> 00:15:54,159
You be on top.
285
00:15:55,196 --> 00:15:56,583
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
286
00:15:58,115 --> 00:16:00,333
Ah! You sat on me balls, sat on me balls.
287
00:16:02,201 --> 00:16:03,292
Nice, exhilarating.
288
00:16:04,286 --> 00:16:06,753
Turn around. Let's do it from behind.
289
00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:10,919
Just feel your breasts. (MOANS)
290
00:16:11,541 --> 00:16:13,048
Like a monkey.
291
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,715
Dribbling like a fried egg sandwich.
292
00:16:15,794 --> 00:16:17,680
(NORTHERN ENGLISH ACCENT)
Dirty, bloody Londoner.
293
00:16:17,796 --> 00:16:20,299
Come on, Mother, we're going home.
294
00:16:20,590 --> 00:16:22,013
Jesus!
295
00:16:23,675 --> 00:16:26,392
I'm going crazy. Must be t'stress.
296
00:16:27,136 --> 00:16:30,314
What's she gonna say when she finds out
I've ordered a thousand poles'?
297
00:16:30,389 --> 00:16:32,144
(FOG HORN BLOWS)
298
00:16:32,223 --> 00:16:35,853
If it was a thousand,
and not two and a 'alf thousand.
299
00:16:36,476 --> 00:16:40,698
I'm totally screwed if it's
two and a 'alf thousand.
300
00:16:41,438 --> 00:16:42,612
One million poles'?
301
00:16:43,648 --> 00:16:44,941
There must've been a
mistake with the order.
302
00:16:45,024 --> 00:16:47,029
We clearly haven't ordered a million poles.
303
00:16:47,109 --> 00:16:50,537
Well, a Mr Keith Lemon
ordered them, apparently.
304
00:16:50,820 --> 00:16:51,994
- Who from'?
- Uh...
305
00:16:53,197 --> 00:16:56,162
- E. Steve Incorporated.
- Who's E. Steve?
306
00:16:56,658 --> 00:17:00,619
Evil Steve. He is an evil bastard.
307
00:17:01,536 --> 00:17:04,004
You know Hood-less Harry, don't you'?
He had a plumbing business.
308
00:17:04,247 --> 00:17:06,927
He couldn't make the payments
on 100 U-bends he'd ordered.
309
00:17:06,999 --> 00:17:09,217
Not a million like what's going on here,
310
00:17:09,584 --> 00:17:11,055
a mere hundred.
311
00:17:11,919 --> 00:17:14,932
Well, when he couldn't pay up,
he had to pay in skin.
312
00:17:15,213 --> 00:17:16,423
(MEN LAUGHING)
313
00:17:17,882 --> 00:17:19,269
- Skin?
- (SCREAMING)
314
00:17:20,259 --> 00:17:21,931
Aye, foreskin.
315
00:17:22,260 --> 00:17:24,347
(RACY MUSIC PLAYING)
316
00:17:34,811 --> 00:17:35,938
Hello.
317
00:17:37,688 --> 00:17:40,405
I gotta say, our Gary,
thanks for coming down to see us.
318
00:17:40,482 --> 00:17:41,573
Not a problem.
319
00:17:41,649 --> 00:17:44,413
I said I'd take me mum
to see Cliff Richards at Madame Tussauds.
320
00:17:44,485 --> 00:17:45,991
Oh, aye. Did it look like him'?
321
00:17:46,111 --> 00:17:48,162
No. Melted him down, turned him into...
(SHOUTS) ...Beyoncé!
322
00:17:48,279 --> 00:17:51,624
I don't know why I came to London,
I've not sold one Securipole.
323
00:17:51,865 --> 00:17:54,415
The only thing you'll sell down here,
Keith, is your soul.
324
00:17:54,492 --> 00:17:55,880
And you'll end up in the shit.
325
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,920
Yeah, it's all gone tits up. Not you, love.
You can keep 'em where they are.
326
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:03,169
I don't even know why you wanna move
to London in the first place for anyhow.
327
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,087
They can't even understand us.
You can't even order a drink.
328
00:18:05,333 --> 00:18:06,460
Go on. Go and try.
329
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:08,345
Excuse me, can I have a Coke, please?
330
00:18:08,878 --> 00:18:10,265
Did you just call me a cock'?
331
00:18:10,337 --> 00:18:12,389
No, I said, can I have a glass of Coke'?
332
00:18:12,505 --> 00:18:14,557
You want me to put my arse on your cock'?
333
00:18:15,591 --> 00:18:16,932
Fuck off, you ginger twat.
334
00:18:17,342 --> 00:18:19,928
It's strawberry blond.
I'm strawberry blond, aren't I'?
335
00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:22,478
Let me give you a bit of advice
that my dad gave to me
336
00:18:22,554 --> 00:18:24,689
just before he went off to join the circus.
337
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:26,563
He said, "Never..."
338
00:18:26,641 --> 00:18:27,933
(MUFFLED)
339
00:18:31,394 --> 00:18:32,486
Yeah.
340
00:18:35,939 --> 00:18:38,525
"...animals or any other
kind or livestock."
341
00:18:38,608 --> 00:18:39,699
Fair do's.
342
00:18:39,776 --> 00:18:41,946
If it works out well,
I'll be right behind you.
343
00:18:42,027 --> 00:18:45,657
But if you change,
I'll let you know you've changed.
344
00:18:45,738 --> 00:18:47,245
(GRUNTING)
345
00:18:50,242 --> 00:18:51,629
All right, Mom.
346
00:18:52,285 --> 00:18:54,752
Let's go and have a look
at this fucking London Eye.
347
00:18:55,537 --> 00:18:58,122
- Ta-ra, Auntie Fanny.
- Ta-ra, our Keith.
348
00:18:58,206 --> 00:19:01,302
I can't believe that's her real name.
It's American for "arse."
349
00:19:01,583 --> 00:19:03,006
DELIVERY MAN:
Well, I'm gonna need a signature.
350
00:19:03,084 --> 00:19:04,674
ROSIE: Only an idiot would sign that.
351
00:19:08,088 --> 00:19:09,808
I'll sign it for ya.
352
00:19:10,423 --> 00:19:13,969
- What are you dressed as'?
- Keith Lemon. The main man.
353
00:19:14,051 --> 00:19:16,767
As instructed by the actual main man,
Keith Lemon.
354
00:19:18,429 --> 00:19:21,560
Can I just say, Rosie,
that you look bang tidy. Ooosh!
355
00:19:23,516 --> 00:19:24,690
Why's my pen not working'?
356
00:19:27,019 --> 00:19:28,608
It tastes of piss and all.
357
00:19:28,895 --> 00:19:30,105
That's not a pen.
358
00:19:30,229 --> 00:19:32,068
No, it's a pregnancy test.
359
00:19:32,147 --> 00:19:34,366
Ho-ho! And it's positive.
360
00:19:34,733 --> 00:19:37,033
Congratulations, you make a lovely couple.
361
00:19:37,151 --> 00:19:39,203
- Well done, Keith.
- Thank you.
362
00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:41,496
We're not a couple. That's not Keith Lemon.
363
00:19:41,613 --> 00:19:42,823
I'm Douglas.
364
00:19:43,072 --> 00:19:44,578
Douglas Orange.
365
00:19:45,991 --> 00:19:48,161
(BLEEPING RINGTONE)
366
00:19:48,243 --> 00:19:49,286
Hello'?
367
00:19:49,660 --> 00:19:51,747
Hiya, it's Rosie. How's things?
368
00:19:52,037 --> 00:19:54,124
What is it, Rosie? Is everything okay?
369
00:19:54,205 --> 00:19:57,052
Um... We've got a bit of a problem.
370
00:19:57,124 --> 00:19:59,923
What's up, Rosie? A distinct stress
in your voice, what's the matter?
371
00:20:00,001 --> 00:20:02,385
Have you ordered some, um...
Some poles'?
372
00:20:02,628 --> 00:20:04,715
Yeah, I did, I ordered a thousand.
373
00:20:04,796 --> 00:20:05,840
Good job I did, as well,
374
00:20:05,964 --> 00:20:07,684
'cause I've already surpassed
my pre-sale expectations.
375
00:20:08,758 --> 00:20:11,225
- How many noughts in a thousand, Keith'?
- Huh?
376
00:20:12,385 --> 00:20:13,856
- How many, Keith'?
- Uh...
377
00:20:14,095 --> 00:20:16,680
A few of those circular buggers. Um, six'?
378
00:20:17,723 --> 00:20:19,146
Six noughts is a million!
379
00:20:19,224 --> 00:20:22,936
You've ordered a million Securipoles
from Evil Steve.
380
00:20:23,143 --> 00:20:25,148
Rosie, don't worry
because Evil Steve isn't that evil.
381
00:20:25,228 --> 00:20:26,984
He's friends with Fairdo's Mick
and Nice Tariq.
382
00:20:27,063 --> 00:20:29,743
"Fairdo's Mick"? "Nice Tariq"?
Who are these people'?
383
00:20:29,815 --> 00:20:31,902
Why are you doing business with weirdoes'?
384
00:20:32,108 --> 00:20:33,319
Hey, they aren't weird.
385
00:20:33,401 --> 00:20:34,824
You wanna worry about Weird Paul.
386
00:20:34,944 --> 00:20:37,493
He's got a minge and a penis.
You don't know where you stand with him.
387
00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:38,828
Keith, this is serious.
388
00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,998
On a happier note, Keith,
Rosie is pregnant.
389
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,493
- You're gonna be a daddy.
- (YELLS) Dougie, that's private!
390
00:20:44,075 --> 00:20:45,167
Daddy'?
391
00:20:46,702 --> 00:20:48,256
All right, give us your
fucking money, bruv.
392
00:20:50,580 --> 00:20:52,632
Excuse me, what did you say'?
Sorry, I was on t'phone.
393
00:20:52,999 --> 00:20:57,838
I said, "Give me your fucking money, bruv."
394
00:21:00,296 --> 00:21:01,767
Listen, guys.
395
00:21:01,839 --> 00:21:03,760
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
396
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,726
You don't want to do this.
397
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,219
I know about your troubles and strifes.
398
00:21:08,343 --> 00:21:09,470
Yeah'?
399
00:21:09,553 --> 00:21:14,060
(JAMAICAN ACCENT)
Wagwan, bredbin? Bumbinsquat and ting.
400
00:21:14,139 --> 00:21:15,183
I'm one of yours.
401
00:21:15,265 --> 00:21:16,937
- One of us'?
- Yes.
402
00:21:17,141 --> 00:21:19,561
I, too, am biracial.
403
00:21:19,643 --> 00:21:21,695
You'll probably notice that me figmentation
404
00:21:21,770 --> 00:21:23,442
is darker than the average white man.
405
00:21:23,521 --> 00:21:26,403
That's because me mam
had an affair with Billy Ocean.
406
00:21:29,275 --> 00:21:30,995
Who the fuck is Billy Ocean'?
407
00:21:31,277 --> 00:21:32,748
You don't know who Billy Ocean is?
408
00:21:33,028 --> 00:21:34,499
Billy Ocean sang...
409
00:21:35,822 --> 00:21:37,459
(BEATBOXING)
410
00:21:39,283 --> 00:21:40,410
Keith?
411
00:21:40,492 --> 00:21:42,378
(BEATBOXING)
412
00:21:43,661 --> 00:21:44,835
Keith?
413
00:21:45,996 --> 00:21:47,502
He's singing When The Going Gets Tough.
414
00:21:47,581 --> 00:21:50,379
Keith's dad sang that. It's Billy Ocean.
415
00:21:50,708 --> 00:21:51,882
Billy Ocean'?
416
00:21:51,959 --> 00:21:53,002
♪ Ooh! I wanna touch you ♪
417
00:21:54,210 --> 00:21:55,254
It's you.
418
00:21:55,378 --> 00:21:58,307
♪ Wanna touch you
And do the things that lovers do
419
00:21:58,380 --> 00:22:00,681
♪ 'Cause when the going gets tough
420
00:22:01,466 --> 00:22:02,723
♪ The tough get going
421
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,303
♪ When the going gets rough
422
00:22:05,385 --> 00:22:07,307
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
423
00:22:07,387 --> 00:22:09,771
Be even better if you took that down.
It'll be muffled.
424
00:22:09,847 --> 00:22:13,144
♪ Hey hey! Hey-hey-hey! Hey! ♪
425
00:22:13,224 --> 00:22:16,154
(TUTS)
What the fuck is this piece of shit, man'?
426
00:22:16,227 --> 00:22:17,614
ROSIE: Keith, are you there?
427
00:22:18,020 --> 00:22:19,656
- It's me telephone.
- ROSIE: Keith?
428
00:22:19,729 --> 00:22:20,773
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
429
00:22:20,855 --> 00:22:22,445
The line's gone dead.
430
00:22:23,065 --> 00:22:26,410
Listen, guys, we can do this the easy way,
431
00:22:26,526 --> 00:22:28,696
Or we can do it not the easy way.
432
00:22:28,778 --> 00:22:30,070
That being...
433
00:22:30,154 --> 00:22:31,364
The hard way!
434
00:22:31,696 --> 00:22:33,499
Ooosh!
435
00:22:34,073 --> 00:22:37,038
Come on! I'll kill you down, rasclaats!
436
00:22:38,159 --> 00:22:39,417
Then rasclaat this, man.
437
00:22:39,494 --> 00:22:40,704
(GRUNTS)
438
00:22:41,412 --> 00:22:42,705
Just don't touch me hair,
439
00:22:42,788 --> 00:22:45,338
'cause I've recently had a Brazilian
blow-dry. It took three hours.
440
00:22:45,623 --> 00:22:46,715
(EXCLAIMS)
441
00:22:47,458 --> 00:22:48,751
(HUMMING)
442
00:22:52,545 --> 00:22:54,680
♪ I've just been mugged
I've just been mugged
443
00:22:54,755 --> 00:22:57,388
♪ To lighten the mood
I'm singing this song
444
00:22:57,507 --> 00:22:59,725
♪ I'm out for the count
But it won't be for long ♪
445
00:23:00,259 --> 00:23:01,979
Ooosh! Ooosh!
446
00:23:02,052 --> 00:23:06,274
Hello, and welcome to my inner conscience.
447
00:23:06,597 --> 00:23:08,684
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING WILDLY)
- Yes! Thanks, now bring it down.
448
00:23:08,765 --> 00:23:10,023
(AUDIENCE QUIETS DOWN)
449
00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:11,606
- Now, bring it back up.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERS WILDLY)
450
00:23:11,684 --> 00:23:13,570
Yes! Thanks for coming.
451
00:23:13,644 --> 00:23:17,025
Okay, I'm here to fill the time until
I come back around from this mugging
452
00:23:17,147 --> 00:23:19,566
by those "yoots" of today.
453
00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:21,032
Oh, listen.
454
00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:22,442
Get his fucking suit, you lot, man.
455
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:23,736
Shit!
456
00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:27,080
- They've taken me clothes, the little bastards.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
457
00:23:27,404 --> 00:23:28,531
It's a good suit that, as well,
458
00:23:28,613 --> 00:23:31,661
me mam got me that
from B&HS and C&A and Clockhouse...
459
00:23:32,033 --> 00:23:33,539
Anyway, whilst we're here,
460
00:23:33,617 --> 00:23:34,661
we might as well have a
bit of fun, hadn't we,
461
00:23:34,743 --> 00:23:36,035
so I can connect with you.
462
00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:39,340
Let's see if you can guess
what I'm thinking of right here
463
00:23:39,413 --> 00:23:41,334
in my inner conscience.
464
00:23:41,498 --> 00:23:43,088
It's nice, innit?
465
00:23:43,166 --> 00:23:47,554
Okay, you got an allotted time
and your time starts...
466
00:23:47,627 --> 00:23:49,513
now! (HONKS)
467
00:23:49,587 --> 00:23:51,805
That's it, your time's up.
So, did you get it right'?
468
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:55,427
That's correct! It was a wall of arses.
469
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:59,263
There's my favourite, I don't know about you.
I quite like that one as well there.
470
00:23:59,344 --> 00:24:00,555
Wi' t'dimples on t'back.
471
00:24:00,637 --> 00:24:02,807
I like to get me thumbs in
when I'm smashing back doors in.
472
00:24:02,889 --> 00:24:04,644
- (MOBILE CHIMING)
- Okay. Oh, listen.
473
00:24:04,973 --> 00:24:06,895
- (MOBILE VIBRATES)
- KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
474
00:24:06,975 --> 00:24:08,861
Just getting a text through
on that funny phone thing.
475
00:24:08,935 --> 00:24:09,978
(MOBILE CONTINUES CHIMING)
476
00:24:10,102 --> 00:24:11,774
- KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
- Well, I better go.
477
00:24:11,854 --> 00:24:13,194
Okay, I was me inner conscience.
478
00:24:13,271 --> 00:24:15,739
If I don't see you through t'week,
I'll see you through t'window.
479
00:24:15,856 --> 00:24:17,363
I better get back into me bad self.
480
00:24:17,691 --> 00:24:18,984
Sha-ting!
481
00:24:20,527 --> 00:24:21,737
KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
482
00:24:21,819 --> 00:24:23,409
(MOBILE CHIMING)
483
00:24:24,696 --> 00:24:26,665
- KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
- (MOBILE CHIMES)
484
00:24:26,740 --> 00:24:28,210
(GROANS)
485
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,667
- KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
- (MOBILE CHIMES)
486
00:24:33,453 --> 00:24:35,540
- KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
- (MOBILE CHIMES)
487
00:24:36,580 --> 00:24:40,720
"Just been mugged'?
Look like a bum covered in blood?"
488
00:24:41,709 --> 00:24:43,096
(MOBILE CHIMES)
489
00:24:43,168 --> 00:24:45,469
"Then visit The Fixer."
490
00:24:45,795 --> 00:24:49,388
"No problem too small,
no disaster too tall."
491
00:24:49,882 --> 00:24:50,973
(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
492
00:24:51,091 --> 00:24:52,301
Rhymes.
493
00:24:53,468 --> 00:24:55,223
Then follow the Sati-nav.
494
00:24:56,136 --> 00:24:59,350
Tisipiti Sati-nav service is operating,
isn't it, mate?
495
00:24:59,555 --> 00:25:01,726
Get up, dust yourself off
496
00:25:01,807 --> 00:25:05,484
and climb gallantly out
of threatening subway.
497
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:07,315
What have I got to lose?
498
00:25:10,230 --> 00:25:11,653
Oh, me spincter.
499
00:25:14,024 --> 00:25:15,365
(GROANS)
500
00:25:15,442 --> 00:25:19,368
I'm glad they didn't take
these shoes. I love these shoes.
501
00:25:21,488 --> 00:25:24,121
KUSHVINDER:
Fearlessly exit the pissy subway.
502
00:25:30,453 --> 00:25:31,746
Straight.
503
00:25:32,580 --> 00:25:34,051
More straight.
504
00:25:35,665 --> 00:25:36,757
Stop!
505
00:25:36,833 --> 00:25:38,043
(CROWS CAWING)
506
00:25:38,334 --> 00:25:41,430
You have reached your bloody destiny,
isn't it, mate?
507
00:25:41,503 --> 00:25:43,757
We got here in good time, kids.
508
00:25:51,802 --> 00:25:53,273
(DOOR CREAKS)
509
00:25:57,848 --> 00:26:00,778
KUSHVINDER: Now we go upstairs.
Uppityuppity.
510
00:26:01,059 --> 00:26:02,779
(CAWING CONTINUES)
511
00:26:03,394 --> 00:26:05,280
Right turn.
512
00:26:05,521 --> 00:26:07,905
Bloody spooky, isn't it, mate?
513
00:26:08,940 --> 00:26:12,071
Don't knock. It's open. Good luck, kid.
514
00:26:12,192 --> 00:26:13,533
(CREAKING)
515
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:19,452
ARCHIMEDES: Listen, G, if this next
fix doesn't get me back in the club,
516
00:26:19,823 --> 00:26:24,294
then you can cut my dick off
and fuck me in the holiest of all holes.
517
00:26:24,535 --> 00:26:26,290
That's right. I said it.
518
00:26:26,911 --> 00:26:28,204
The asshole.
519
00:26:29,955 --> 00:26:31,960
Take a seat, Mr Lemon.
I'll be with you in a minute.
520
00:26:33,374 --> 00:26:34,667
Clean yourself up.
521
00:26:36,210 --> 00:26:38,973
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, yeah, I know.
The moustache is pretty bad.
522
00:26:39,712 --> 00:26:42,013
Who the hell has a moustache these days'?
523
00:26:43,090 --> 00:26:45,723
See ya, I always wanna be ya.
524
00:26:49,094 --> 00:26:50,850
Okay, back to business.
525
00:26:54,890 --> 00:26:57,737
Hi, I'm Archimedes. I'm The Fixer.
526
00:26:59,227 --> 00:27:00,698
Nice to meet you, Keith.
527
00:27:01,353 --> 00:27:03,524
What's unfolding in this scenario'?
528
00:27:03,605 --> 00:27:06,534
Um, well, like the text
said, I'm The Fixer.
529
00:27:07,483 --> 00:27:09,036
- Fixer?
- Yeah.
530
00:27:09,610 --> 00:27:12,456
I find people who are down and out
and I try to help them.
531
00:27:13,821 --> 00:27:15,411
Now, before we get started,
532
00:27:15,864 --> 00:27:18,200
I just have some preliminary
questions for you.
533
00:27:19,325 --> 00:27:22,539
If you were to describe your situation
in one word, what would that be'?
534
00:27:22,786 --> 00:27:23,829
Oh.
535
00:27:23,912 --> 00:27:29,545
Well, basically, I've always dreamed
of being the next Richard Branston.
536
00:27:29,624 --> 00:27:31,047
You know, Branston Pickles.
537
00:27:32,168 --> 00:27:35,844
I'd like to be a household name
with my product, Securipole,
538
00:27:35,921 --> 00:27:39,799
which I've accidentally pre-ordered
a million of from Evil Steve,
539
00:27:39,882 --> 00:27:41,637
that's because I'm numerically dyslexic.
540
00:27:42,634 --> 00:27:45,397
And, so far, I've not sold one,
so I won't be able to pay him back,
541
00:27:45,469 --> 00:27:47,059
and he's probably gonna
cut me foreskin off.
542
00:27:47,179 --> 00:27:48,650
And I don't even got one,
I had it removed with I was three.
543
00:27:48,722 --> 00:27:49,765
(MURMURS) Foreskin.
544
00:27:49,847 --> 00:27:51,603
I'm as smooth as a
dolphin's beak downstairs.
545
00:27:51,682 --> 00:27:52,874
I don't know what else he's gonna cut off.
546
00:27:52,933 --> 00:27:55,269
And also, me girlfriend,
that's not really me girlfriend,
547
00:27:55,352 --> 00:27:57,570
is my girlfriend,
but she ain't really me girlfriend,
548
00:27:57,687 --> 00:27:59,323
but she is me girlfriend, she's pregnant.
549
00:27:59,396 --> 00:28:00,488
Don't know how that's happened
550
00:28:00,564 --> 00:28:02,011
because I swear I pulled
it out at the right time.
551
00:28:02,023 --> 00:28:04,608
And I've got verruca.
And I think that me piles have come back.
552
00:28:04,733 --> 00:28:07,283
It's like a shitake mushroom
hanging out of me asshole.
553
00:28:07,444 --> 00:28:09,863
It's like I've got an ingrown toenail
in me chocolate starfish.
554
00:28:09,987 --> 00:28:12,122
- Have a look at that. See there'?
- (GAGGING)
555
00:28:12,990 --> 00:28:14,116
(COUGHS)
556
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:16,625
- By it hurts. The pain's excruciating.
- Okay.
557
00:28:16,826 --> 00:28:17,917
Just in one word, Keith.
558
00:28:21,538 --> 00:28:22,748
Fucked!
559
00:28:24,832 --> 00:28:26,801
DELIVERY MAN: There's one thing
I don't understand.
560
00:28:26,875 --> 00:28:30,302
If Billy Ocean is Keith's dad,
why isn't he called Keith Ocean'?
561
00:28:30,377 --> 00:28:32,382
Because his name's Lemon.
562
00:28:32,462 --> 00:28:34,265
He took his mother's name after Billy left.
563
00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:36,221
Oh, yeah.
564
00:28:36,674 --> 00:28:37,966
Of course.
565
00:28:38,050 --> 00:28:41,477
And I can see his Caribbeanesque features.
566
00:28:42,803 --> 00:28:45,021
So, is anyone gonna sign for these poles'?
567
00:28:45,138 --> 00:28:46,894
Oh, will you just take them away'?
568
00:28:47,056 --> 00:28:48,693
We've obviously made a mistake
with the order.
569
00:28:48,766 --> 00:28:49,809
Hey!
570
00:28:50,267 --> 00:28:51,441
Don't shoot the messenger.
571
00:28:51,518 --> 00:28:53,439
I'm not the bad man here.
572
00:28:53,519 --> 00:28:55,606
- It's Evil Steve.
- (STOMACH GURGLES)
573
00:28:55,854 --> 00:28:57,824
Evil Steve.
Who the hell calls them-self Evil Steve?
574
00:28:57,898 --> 00:28:58,941
- (GURGLING CONTINUES)
- Excuse me.
575
00:28:59,732 --> 00:29:00,906
Ooh...
576
00:29:01,901 --> 00:29:03,822
- You've said his name twice.
- (DOOR OPENS)
577
00:29:03,902 --> 00:29:05,377
- I dare you to say it three times.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
578
00:29:05,612 --> 00:29:07,118
- Evil Steve.
- No, don't.
579
00:29:07,446 --> 00:29:08,620
- Evil Steve.
- No.
580
00:29:08,906 --> 00:29:10,163
Evil Steve!
581
00:29:10,282 --> 00:29:11,539
(THUNDER CRACKS)
582
00:29:12,033 --> 00:29:14,998
♪ Evil Steve, Evil Steve ♪
583
00:29:15,077 --> 00:29:16,168
(BONES CRACKING)
584
00:29:16,286 --> 00:29:19,916
♪ Naughty Geordie Evil Steve
585
00:29:20,664 --> 00:29:21,708
♪ Evil Steve ♪
586
00:29:22,374 --> 00:29:27,427
(GEORDIE ACCENT) Evil'? Me'? You make us
sound like Bin Laden, you do.
587
00:29:27,503 --> 00:29:28,630
Evil?
588
00:29:29,921 --> 00:29:32,506
Where's Lemon'? Huh?
589
00:29:33,174 --> 00:29:34,347
Where is he'?
590
00:29:36,468 --> 00:29:39,397
Where's stinky fuckin' ginge?
591
00:29:40,095 --> 00:29:41,518
Where is he'?
592
00:29:42,305 --> 00:29:45,484
Here I am. The order was a mistake.
593
00:29:45,641 --> 00:29:49,816
So, please leave my premises,
Evil Steve, or I will call the police.
594
00:29:53,689 --> 00:29:55,693
Let's have a look at ye.
595
00:29:56,733 --> 00:29:57,824
(WAILING)
596
00:30:04,447 --> 00:30:05,490
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
597
00:30:06,657 --> 00:30:08,792
That's brown sauce.
598
00:30:09,158 --> 00:30:11,210
Dennis, he got brown sauce on his face.
599
00:30:11,327 --> 00:30:12,370
(LAUGHING)
600
00:30:12,453 --> 00:30:15,880
Howay, Dennis, let's gan.
Otherwise we're gonna miss The XFactor.
601
00:30:16,164 --> 00:30:19,011
It's the results show tonight,
which is me favourite.
602
00:30:19,082 --> 00:30:20,209
Let's take her with us.
603
00:30:20,375 --> 00:30:21,928
I'm not coming anywhere with you.
604
00:30:22,043 --> 00:30:24,723
- You are, biscuit tits.
- I'm not coming.
605
00:30:24,795 --> 00:30:25,969
- You are.
- Dougie! Dougie!
606
00:30:26,046 --> 00:30:27,766
- Rosie! Rosie!
- Dougie!
607
00:30:28,631 --> 00:30:31,051
I'm taking this little titty cup here.
Good night.
608
00:30:32,551 --> 00:30:34,223
♪ Evil Stevie
609
00:30:34,302 --> 00:30:35,892
♪ Naughty Geordie ♪
610
00:30:37,054 --> 00:30:39,771
I'm gonna turn you into a human Securipole,
611
00:30:39,931 --> 00:30:43,478
if I don't get me money
within an allotted time slot.
612
00:30:44,226 --> 00:30:45,898
- Oh! (GROANS)
- What's wrong'?
613
00:30:46,019 --> 00:30:48,901
I keep getting a shooting
pain in me arsehole.
614
00:30:49,939 --> 00:30:52,073
- ROSIE: Dougie!
- That was a fast one.
615
00:30:52,232 --> 00:30:53,619
(GROANING)
616
00:30:53,983 --> 00:30:57,743
Dougie, go to London. Get Keith. Get Keith!
617
00:30:57,819 --> 00:30:58,946
Rosie!
618
00:31:00,405 --> 00:31:01,745
♪ Evil Steve ♪
619
00:31:02,489 --> 00:31:03,830
London, eh?
620
00:31:04,699 --> 00:31:07,167
It's full of gays and
terrorists down there.
621
00:31:08,119 --> 00:31:11,215
You'll probably get bummed and stabbed.
622
00:31:11,329 --> 00:31:13,250
That's what my dad said.
623
00:31:15,916 --> 00:31:17,755
(KEITH BREATHING HEAVILY)
624
00:31:21,670 --> 00:31:25,181
I pay a lot of money for this place,
but it's worth it for the view.
625
00:31:25,256 --> 00:31:27,841
Tell me about it. I'm tit-matised.
626
00:31:27,925 --> 00:31:29,016
Ooh!
627
00:31:29,426 --> 00:31:33,482
Listen, right, if you're The Fixer,
how are you gonna fix...
628
00:31:33,554 --> 00:31:35,144
Where's he gone'?
629
00:31:35,681 --> 00:31:37,103
What are you doing?
630
00:31:37,182 --> 00:31:39,981
I'm in dire straits here.
Not the band, the predicament.
631
00:31:40,726 --> 00:31:41,853
So, how are you gonna fix me'?
632
00:31:42,561 --> 00:31:44,565
Well, what you got to work with'?
633
00:31:44,812 --> 00:31:46,449
Nowt.
634
00:31:47,439 --> 00:31:50,535
Apart from this hi-tech phone,
635
00:31:50,608 --> 00:31:53,621
where the buttons have been
replaced with no buttons,
636
00:31:53,694 --> 00:31:56,113
but the fella that gave it to me
couldn't even give it away,
637
00:31:56,196 --> 00:31:59,208
apart from the one he gave to me,
he gave them all to me.
638
00:32:06,578 --> 00:32:07,705
Argh!
639
00:32:13,458 --> 00:32:14,965
- I got it!
- What?
640
00:32:15,585 --> 00:32:17,222
What if we remarket the phone
with a new identity'?
641
00:32:17,378 --> 00:32:19,264
- What do you mean'?
- Put your name to it.
642
00:32:19,546 --> 00:32:21,183
You said you always wanted
to be a household name.
643
00:32:21,256 --> 00:32:22,299
I do.
644
00:32:22,423 --> 00:32:23,515
Hopefully, they'll buy it
645
00:32:23,591 --> 00:32:25,892
and you'll make enough money
to pay Terrible Tony.
646
00:32:25,968 --> 00:32:28,387
- Do you mean Evil Steve?
- Exactly! Problem solved.
647
00:32:28,970 --> 00:32:30,180
Yarussky!
648
00:32:30,513 --> 00:32:32,149
More importantly, though,
do you think we'll have
649
00:32:32,222 --> 00:32:34,108
enough money to
pay for a cock enlargement for meself'?
650
00:32:34,182 --> 00:32:35,273
Uh...
651
00:32:36,475 --> 00:32:38,895
It'd be like a gift for meself.
652
00:32:38,977 --> 00:32:41,445
It'd be like a Christmas present.
653
00:32:42,313 --> 00:32:43,440
Birthday present.
654
00:32:44,565 --> 00:32:46,118
St George's Day present.
655
00:32:46,983 --> 00:32:49,782
(I NEED A DOLLAR
BY ALOE BLACC PLAYS)
656
00:32:49,860 --> 00:32:53,952
♪ I need a dollar, dollar, dollar
That's what I need
657
00:32:54,030 --> 00:32:57,825
♪ Hey, hey
♪ Well, I need a dollar, dollar, dollar...
658
00:32:57,908 --> 00:32:58,999
So, where are we going now?
659
00:32:59,075 --> 00:33:00,831
Well, now that we got the phones,
660
00:33:00,910 --> 00:33:04,088
I know this guy who works in TV,
he's gonna help us put 'em on the map.
661
00:33:04,579 --> 00:33:06,798
Big exposure, the biggest.
662
00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:08,842
- Lemon Squidgy'?
- Oh, thanks.
663
00:33:09,166 --> 00:33:10,589
I'll save it for later.
664
00:33:10,667 --> 00:33:13,003
Here, thanks for lending me
these clothes.
665
00:33:13,252 --> 00:33:15,802
No problem.
They belong to an ex-client of mine.
666
00:33:16,463 --> 00:33:18,550
- Haul ass!
- Okay, I'll haul ass.
667
00:33:22,176 --> 00:33:25,023
Wait here. Stay out of trouble.
I'll be right back.
668
00:33:25,220 --> 00:33:26,512
Okay, Archi-pigeon-street.
669
00:33:26,679 --> 00:33:29,099
Well, it went on all night, you know'?
670
00:33:29,181 --> 00:33:31,316
Kind of like the night
you and I had together.
671
00:33:31,433 --> 00:33:32,476
(LAUGHS)
672
00:33:32,558 --> 00:33:34,729
Hey, Hoff, it's me.
673
00:33:35,185 --> 00:33:37,521
Could I have a minute, darling'?
674
00:33:42,733 --> 00:33:44,453
(WHISTLES)
675
00:33:44,526 --> 00:33:45,996
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- What do you want'?
676
00:33:46,235 --> 00:33:47,409
You look fantastic!
677
00:33:47,861 --> 00:33:49,035
You just don't age.
678
00:33:49,529 --> 00:33:51,865
Why don't you just cut to the chase,
Archimedes'?
679
00:33:51,948 --> 00:33:54,996
Hey, man, it wasn't my fault that
you didn't get to bone Pamela Anderson.
680
00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:56,994
One of my biggest regrets.
681
00:33:58,953 --> 00:34:00,589
You said you'd fix that for me.
682
00:34:00,662 --> 00:34:03,165
I was the one that told you
to do the show about the talking car.
683
00:34:03,248 --> 00:34:04,291
Oh, yeah.
684
00:34:04,415 --> 00:34:06,052
If it wasn't for me, there'd be no Hoff.
685
00:34:06,125 --> 00:34:07,417
Yeah, I know.
686
00:34:07,501 --> 00:34:09,470
But can you do a pal a favour'?
687
00:34:10,628 --> 00:34:12,218
What sort of favour'?
688
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:13,923
(MOBILE RINGING)
689
00:34:14,006 --> 00:34:15,927
- Hi.
- Hi, darling. How are you'?
690
00:34:16,049 --> 00:34:17,970
Oh, hello. How are you'?
691
00:34:18,050 --> 00:34:20,137
(CHERRY PIE BY WARRANT PLAYS)
692
00:34:23,387 --> 00:34:26,484
♪ Well, she's my cherry pie
693
00:34:26,556 --> 00:34:29,439
♪ Put a smile on your face
Ten miles wide
694
00:34:29,517 --> 00:34:32,280
♪ Looks so good
Bring a tear to your eye
695
00:34:32,352 --> 00:34:36,029
♪ Sweet cherry pie, yeah
696
00:34:43,736 --> 00:34:45,575
- ♪ Swing it!
- (MOBILE RINGING)
697
00:34:46,780 --> 00:34:47,907
- Kelly Brook?
- Yes?
698
00:34:48,448 --> 00:34:49,918
- You're Kelly Brook?
- Yes, I am.
699
00:34:50,282 --> 00:34:52,121
- I'm a big fan.
- That's nice.
700
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:55,047
Yeah, all your calendars
and your films and stuff.
701
00:34:55,119 --> 00:34:56,329
Thank you.
702
00:34:56,454 --> 00:35:00,249
Piranha 3D,
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,
703
00:35:00,331 --> 00:35:03,130
when you were on Big Breakfast
and you got sacked,
704
00:35:03,500 --> 00:35:06,086
and when you were on
Britain's Got Talent and you got sacked.
705
00:35:06,169 --> 00:35:08,932
Must have been distraught for you, but...
big fan.
706
00:35:09,004 --> 00:35:10,890
In fact, I had a dream
about you last night.
707
00:35:10,964 --> 00:35:12,056
What did you dream about'?
708
00:35:12,132 --> 00:35:16,307
Well, you were saying, "Faster, slower,"
709
00:35:16,385 --> 00:35:19,682
and then you didn't know
if you liked it fast or slow,
710
00:35:20,013 --> 00:35:21,898
so I blabbed all over your bangers.
711
00:35:22,348 --> 00:35:24,981
And then I went down to the hidden area
712
00:35:25,141 --> 00:35:27,312
and give it some sort of like...
Maw! Maw! Maw! ...Action.
713
00:35:27,393 --> 00:35:28,734
Maw! Maw! Maw!
714
00:35:28,811 --> 00:35:31,610
- Oh, disgusting!
- Maw! Maw! Maw!
715
00:35:31,688 --> 00:35:34,107
And then clean the windows
and feed the horse.
716
00:35:34,190 --> 00:35:36,028
(MAKES TRILLING SOUNDS)
Maw! Maw! Maw!
717
00:35:39,860 --> 00:35:42,114
What are you doing? We got a show to do.
718
00:35:43,655 --> 00:35:45,624
- Let's go.
- All right.
719
00:35:46,032 --> 00:35:48,285
I'm a bit nervous.
I've never been on TV before.
720
00:35:48,367 --> 00:35:49,838
Don't worry about it. You'll be fine.
721
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:51,713
- Is it live'?
- Yes.
722
00:35:52,536 --> 00:35:53,794
Oh, shit.
723
00:35:54,121 --> 00:35:56,339
ANNOUNCER: Live from London,
it's The Hoff Hour Show
724
00:35:56,414 --> 00:35:58,051
with your host, David Hasselhoff
725
00:35:58,124 --> 00:36:00,045
and special guest star, Kelly Brook.
726
00:36:00,125 --> 00:36:02,095
And here's your host, it's the Hoff.
727
00:36:02,169 --> 00:36:04,754
Thank you. Thank you so much.
728
00:36:05,004 --> 00:36:07,174
Welcome back to The Hoff Hour Show.
729
00:36:07,673 --> 00:36:09,428
Thirty minutes of yours truly.
730
00:36:09,924 --> 00:36:13,980
We're gonna continue our chat with
the amazingly beautiful Kelly Brook.
731
00:36:14,678 --> 00:36:18,936
I mean, she is "Hoff" the charts.
She is Hoffalicious.
732
00:36:19,014 --> 00:36:22,312
I am Hoff crazy for her.
I would do time for her.
733
00:36:22,392 --> 00:36:23,435
(LAUGHS)
734
00:36:24,018 --> 00:36:28,027
But first, we bring you Northern
businessman, Mr Keith Melon.
735
00:36:29,230 --> 00:36:31,199
That's you, man. Good luck.
736
00:36:38,445 --> 00:36:39,786
David, who is this idiot?
737
00:36:42,365 --> 00:36:46,456
It's, um, Keith "Lemon". Who'd be called "Melon"?
Bit of a silly name.
738
00:36:46,910 --> 00:36:48,630
Keith Melon. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
739
00:36:48,703 --> 00:36:49,960
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS WEAKLY)
740
00:36:50,037 --> 00:36:51,590
- (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
- (ALL LAUGHING)
741
00:36:51,872 --> 00:36:52,915
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
742
00:36:52,998 --> 00:36:54,208
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
743
00:36:54,457 --> 00:36:56,592
(DWINDLING LAUGH)
744
00:36:57,876 --> 00:36:59,845
Keith, I've been told by a little birdie
745
00:37:00,336 --> 00:37:04,097
that you have some sort of
revolutionary communication device
746
00:37:04,173 --> 00:37:05,726
that you want to show us.
747
00:37:07,425 --> 00:37:08,552
Okay.
748
00:37:09,343 --> 00:37:10,684
(EXHALES)
749
00:37:13,555 --> 00:37:16,057
- You can show us that now if you'd like.
- Yes.
750
00:37:16,390 --> 00:37:18,644
It's okay, ladies and gentlemen,
he's just a bit nervous.
751
00:37:18,808 --> 00:37:20,019
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGH)
752
00:37:20,226 --> 00:37:21,270
Come on, man.
753
00:37:21,644 --> 00:37:22,771
Okay.
754
00:37:23,437 --> 00:37:27,576
Well, on first glance,
it looks like an ordinary phone,
755
00:37:28,732 --> 00:37:32,078
and then, at second glance,
it don't look like a normal phone.
756
00:37:32,986 --> 00:37:37,457
Kushvinder! This bloody bastard Lemony
he has stolen your Tisipiti.
757
00:37:37,864 --> 00:37:40,746
Keith didn't steal it.
I gave it to him. Mmm!
758
00:37:41,075 --> 00:37:43,210
That's because
of the touchscreen technology.
759
00:37:43,368 --> 00:37:46,001
This guy is selling it rubbish,
just like you.
760
00:37:46,662 --> 00:37:48,465
Bloody Tisipiti!
761
00:37:48,872 --> 00:37:49,964
I tell you, come up with a great idea
762
00:37:50,248 --> 00:37:52,383
and you give it
a stupid fucking name like Tisipiti.
763
00:37:53,751 --> 00:37:54,878
I don't know why I married you.
764
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:57,677
Oh, no, I do.
Because it was bloody arranged.
765
00:37:59,297 --> 00:38:03,472
But it's the touchscreen technology
that's really the clincher.
766
00:38:04,050 --> 00:38:05,391
Well, I think that's, uh...
767
00:38:05,509 --> 00:38:08,012
David, drop this twat.
Get back to Kelly Brook.
768
00:38:08,512 --> 00:38:10,065
50, Kelly...
769
00:38:10,513 --> 00:38:13,360
I believe you have a new calendar
coming out this year.
770
00:38:13,599 --> 00:38:15,603
- He's blown it.
- Yes, I do, David.
771
00:38:15,684 --> 00:38:16,727
Does it have all 12 months'?
772
00:38:17,602 --> 00:38:20,021
Yes, David, it does have all 12 months.
773
00:38:20,229 --> 00:38:24,154
Wow! I hate those calendars
with only seven months.
774
00:38:24,398 --> 00:38:27,779
- I know.
- Ridiculous. You're really, really...
775
00:38:28,902 --> 00:38:31,487
Remarket the phone.
Put your name to it.
776
00:38:31,862 --> 00:38:33,119
Give it a new identity.
777
00:38:33,197 --> 00:38:35,082
DAVID: December issue, are you wearing
778
00:38:35,156 --> 00:38:37,955
one of those skimpy little
sexy Santa outfits?
779
00:38:39,201 --> 00:38:41,087
Actually, David, I'm naked.
780
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:45,915
And I have two Christmas puddings
covering my...
781
00:38:45,998 --> 00:38:47,338
And it's got a lemon on t'back.
782
00:38:47,749 --> 00:38:48,840
(AUDIENCE GASP)
783
00:38:48,916 --> 00:38:50,339
Shit the bed!
784
00:38:56,088 --> 00:38:57,381
So sexy!
785
00:38:59,758 --> 00:39:02,687
That's the best thing I've ever seen.
I want one.
786
00:39:08,806 --> 00:39:11,107
Wait a second!
What do you call this phone'?
787
00:39:12,184 --> 00:39:13,275
Um...
788
00:39:14,685 --> 00:39:18,398
It's called the Lemon Phone.
The Keith Lemon phone.
789
00:39:19,105 --> 00:39:21,110
- (GASPS)
- Of course, Lemon!
790
00:39:21,566 --> 00:39:23,784
Oh, the man's a cunting genius.
791
00:39:24,234 --> 00:39:27,864
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Lemon Phone.
792
00:39:27,945 --> 00:39:29,368
The Keith Lemon phone.
793
00:39:30,697 --> 00:39:32,916
ALL: The Keith Lemon Phone!
The Lemon Phone!
794
00:39:32,991 --> 00:39:34,580
The Keith Lemon Phone! The Lemon Phone!
795
00:39:34,742 --> 00:39:35,833
(LAUGHING)
796
00:39:35,909 --> 00:39:38,708
BOTH: The Lemon Phone!
The Keith Lemon Phone!
797
00:39:38,787 --> 00:39:39,997
The Lemon Phone!
798
00:39:41,038 --> 00:39:43,374
- Incredible! Oh, God!
- Oh!
799
00:39:43,457 --> 00:39:44,584
(BOTH LAUGHING)
800
00:39:44,708 --> 00:39:46,926
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHANTING)
801
00:39:48,794 --> 00:39:50,004
Eureka!
802
00:39:51,963 --> 00:39:53,802
- Lemon! Whoo!
- Yeah!
803
00:39:53,881 --> 00:39:56,300
- Yarussky, did you see that'?
- Well done!
804
00:39:56,383 --> 00:39:58,601
- They loved it, didn't they'?
- We're such a great team.
805
00:39:58,718 --> 00:40:00,271
- Thanks, man.
- You're my favourite client.
806
00:40:00,344 --> 00:40:01,685
You are amazing!
807
00:40:01,762 --> 00:40:02,805
Now, all we need to do
is go back to Leeds...
808
00:40:02,888 --> 00:40:04,145
- Call me.
- (EXCLAIMS)
809
00:40:04,722 --> 00:40:07,106
- Anytime.
- ARCHIMEDES: Son of a... Keith'?
810
00:40:07,474 --> 00:40:08,601
(MOBILE RINGING)
811
00:40:08,725 --> 00:40:10,860
- ARCHIMEDES: Hey, Keith'?
- Hello'? Kelly Brook speaking.
812
00:40:10,935 --> 00:40:12,323
KEITH: Is now a good time'?
813
00:40:14,229 --> 00:40:15,522
ARCHIMEDES: Keith!
814
00:40:19,984 --> 00:40:21,110
FEMALE REPORTER: It's amazing.
815
00:40:21,193 --> 00:40:24,656
The new Lemon Phone
has literally conquered the world.
816
00:40:25,029 --> 00:40:29,868
Small-time Northern English businessman
Keith Lemon has gone from rags to riches
817
00:40:29,949 --> 00:40:33,460
in an overnight success
to top all overnight successes.
818
00:40:33,702 --> 00:40:36,833
But what is it that makes the phone
so desirable?
819
00:40:38,122 --> 00:40:39,415
It's got a lemon on t'back_.
820
00:40:39,873 --> 00:40:41,842
And that makes it good because...
821
00:40:42,458 --> 00:40:43,502
I don't know.
822
00:40:44,668 --> 00:40:48,096
And there you have it,
the answer is they just don't know.
823
00:40:48,171 --> 00:40:49,428
- Lemon on t'back.
- Lemon on t'back.
824
00:40:49,505 --> 00:40:51,806
From New York to India and China
to Barnsley,
825
00:40:51,882 --> 00:40:54,100
the Lemon Phone is a global sensation.
826
00:40:54,759 --> 00:40:57,344
Lemon on t'back. Lemon on t'back.
The lemon has truly landed.
827
00:41:06,685 --> 00:41:08,238
And there you have it.
828
00:41:08,311 --> 00:41:11,074
The sales of the Lemon Phone,
the Keith Lemon phone,
829
00:41:11,146 --> 00:41:13,365
have turned you
into an overnight billionaire.
830
00:41:13,857 --> 00:41:15,742
Rich beyond your wildest dreams.
831
00:41:17,234 --> 00:41:19,120
Excuse me while I finish the paperwork.
832
00:41:19,527 --> 00:41:21,864
Amazing!
This is the best fix I've ever done!
833
00:41:22,571 --> 00:41:24,825
I can't believe it.
I'm literally without belief.
834
00:41:25,782 --> 00:41:28,711
So, now, alls we have to do
is pay for the poles,
835
00:41:28,784 --> 00:41:31,287
get you back to Leeds
to father your unborn love-child,
836
00:41:31,578 --> 00:41:33,417
and live happily ever after with Rosie.
837
00:41:34,038 --> 00:41:36,090
I love it when a fix comes together.
838
00:41:37,874 --> 00:41:39,048
Poles?
839
00:41:39,125 --> 00:41:42,221
Unborn love-child'? Rosie'? Leeds?
840
00:41:42,836 --> 00:41:44,757
What's Leeds? Like computer leads?
What are you talking about'?
841
00:41:45,046 --> 00:41:46,469
It's where you're from, dumb-ass.
842
00:41:47,256 --> 00:41:52,558
Archiminges, sometimes the right thing
isn't always the black and white thing.
843
00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:56,024
But what about the... (MUFFLED)
844
00:41:56,096 --> 00:41:58,065
So, what are you
going to do with it all, Mr Lemon'?
845
00:41:58,765 --> 00:42:02,276
Well, Spectacle Man, the question
ain't what am I going to do with it all,
846
00:42:02,559 --> 00:42:06,319
the question is what aren't
I not gonna do with it all. (LAUGHS)
847
00:42:07,896 --> 00:42:09,284
Isn't that great?
848
00:42:09,356 --> 00:42:11,195
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
849
00:42:13,192 --> 00:42:16,157
Here. Go buy yourself some specs.
850
00:42:18,029 --> 00:42:23,165
I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich!
851
00:42:23,575 --> 00:42:24,785
Ooosh!
852
00:42:24,867 --> 00:42:26,587
(PENCIL FULL OF LEAD
BY PAOLO NUTINI PLAYS)
853
00:42:35,583 --> 00:42:38,797
♪ Oh, I've got a sheet for my bed
and a pillow for my head
854
00:42:38,878 --> 00:42:41,297
♪ I got a pencil full of lead
and some water for my throat
855
00:42:41,379 --> 00:42:43,301
♪ I've got buttons for my coat
and sails on my boat
856
00:42:43,381 --> 00:42:45,717
♪ So much more than I needed before
857
00:42:45,799 --> 00:42:48,729
♪ I got money in the meter
and a two bar heater... ♪
858
00:42:48,802 --> 00:42:50,012
Bigger.
859
00:42:50,845 --> 00:42:52,647
♪ I got legs on my chairs
and a head full of hair
860
00:42:52,721 --> 00:42:54,726
♪ Pot and a pan
And some shoes on my feet
861
00:42:54,806 --> 00:42:57,225
♪ I got a shelf full of books
and most of my teeth
862
00:42:57,308 --> 00:42:59,608
♪ A few pairs of socks
and a door with a lock
863
00:42:59,685 --> 00:43:01,772
♪ Food in my belly
and a license for my telly
864
00:43:01,853 --> 00:43:04,320
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
865
00:43:08,900 --> 00:43:09,943
Hi.
866
00:43:11,777 --> 00:43:12,987
Now we're talking.
867
00:43:15,530 --> 00:43:17,451
♪ Nothin's gonna bring me down
868
00:43:17,531 --> 00:43:19,749
♪ I got a nice guitar and tyres on my car
869
00:43:19,824 --> 00:43:21,378
♪ I got most of the means... ♪
870
00:43:21,451 --> 00:43:22,838
(MOANING)
871
00:43:22,910 --> 00:43:26,670
♪ ...so I'm in with a shout I got a
fair bit of chat but, better than that,
872
00:43:26,746 --> 00:43:28,667
♪ Food in my belly
and a license for my telly
873
00:43:28,748 --> 00:43:30,503
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
874
00:43:30,582 --> 00:43:33,429
How about a-blowin' that harp, man?
875
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:35,929
Oh, they're amazing. Oh!
876
00:43:36,170 --> 00:43:37,261
Oh...
877
00:43:37,421 --> 00:43:39,639
(STAMMERS) I'll call you back.
878
00:43:42,591 --> 00:43:44,726
♪ Nothin's gonna bring me down
879
00:43:44,801 --> 00:43:46,011
♪ But best of all ♪ Best of all
880
00:43:46,094 --> 00:43:49,142
♪ I've got my baby
881
00:43:49,221 --> 00:43:50,941
♪ Oh, best of all ♪ Best of all
882
00:43:51,014 --> 00:43:53,731
♪ I've got my baby
883
00:43:53,808 --> 00:43:56,026
♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine
884
00:43:56,101 --> 00:43:58,948
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
No!
885
00:43:59,687 --> 00:44:00,731
Ah!
886
00:44:00,855 --> 00:44:01,898
(LAUGHS)
887
00:44:04,149 --> 00:44:05,323
(LAUGHING)
888
00:44:11,112 --> 00:44:13,413
♪ Oh, best of all ♪ Best of all
889
00:44:13,489 --> 00:44:16,371
♪ I've got my baby
890
00:44:16,449 --> 00:44:18,122
♪ Oh, best of all ♪ Best of all
891
00:44:18,201 --> 00:44:20,834
♪ I've got my baby
892
00:44:20,911 --> 00:44:23,295
♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine
893
00:44:23,371 --> 00:44:25,458
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
894
00:44:25,540 --> 00:44:27,758
♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine
895
00:44:27,833 --> 00:44:30,087
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
896
00:44:30,168 --> 00:44:32,255
♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine
897
00:44:32,336 --> 00:44:35,799
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me... ♪
898
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:38,976
Can I have the bangers and gash...
I mean, mash, please?
899
00:44:41,176 --> 00:44:45,517
And the award for Business Man
of the Year goes to Keith Lemon.
900
00:44:45,596 --> 00:44:47,019
(CROWD CHEERING WILDLY)
901
00:44:47,848 --> 00:44:49,058
Thanks.
902
00:44:50,558 --> 00:44:53,523
(DRUNKENLY) Wow! I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
903
00:44:53,602 --> 00:44:57,362
I'd just like to say
thanks to me for all the hard work.
904
00:44:58,564 --> 00:44:59,987
EVIL STEVE: What the hell
905
00:45:00,273 --> 00:45:04,947
is Keith Lemon doing on the telly,
acting all Rockefeller
906
00:45:05,194 --> 00:45:07,281
when he hasn't even paid me
for my poles'?
907
00:45:07,362 --> 00:45:12,580
It's also to me for all I've achieved
during this short period of time.
908
00:45:13,033 --> 00:45:14,872
And thanks to Kelly Brook.
909
00:45:15,368 --> 00:45:20,835
I can't wait to have full-on
penetratitive sex with you
910
00:45:20,955 --> 00:45:24,917
in your minge hole
to constipate our relationship.
911
00:45:25,375 --> 00:45:27,510
So, Kelly, come here.
912
00:45:28,711 --> 00:45:34,179
More importantly, how has a ginger tit
like him pulled Kelly Brook?
913
00:45:34,549 --> 00:45:36,351
He's not ginger, he's strawberry blond.
914
00:45:39,094 --> 00:45:41,312
Strawberry blond, my arse!
915
00:45:43,931 --> 00:45:45,188
HE'S ginger!
916
00:45:45,515 --> 00:45:49,358
And it looks like Kelly Brook
likes a bit of ginger minge, too.
917
00:45:49,643 --> 00:45:52,027
I thought you was his canny bird.
918
00:45:52,270 --> 00:45:53,990
- I am.
- Well, I'll tell you what,
919
00:45:54,605 --> 00:45:56,361
I've got a big gaff here.
920
00:45:56,607 --> 00:46:00,034
It could do with a woman's touch.
Or should I say,
921
00:46:00,735 --> 00:46:02,988
I could do with a woman's touch.
922
00:46:04,654 --> 00:46:06,575
That's funny 'cause I thought
you and Dennis was an item.
923
00:46:07,281 --> 00:46:08,574
What have you been telling her'?
924
00:46:09,241 --> 00:46:10,961
That was just a bit of fun.
925
00:46:11,034 --> 00:46:13,584
We were at polytechnic.
We were experimenting.
926
00:46:13,661 --> 00:46:15,001
Do you and your boyfriend not think
927
00:46:15,079 --> 00:46:18,043
that my boyfriend is not gonna come back
and kick the shit out of you'?
928
00:46:18,122 --> 00:46:20,174
What'? Does he know jujitsu'?
929
00:46:20,583 --> 00:46:24,212
Well, it won't work on us.
'Cause we're Church of England.
930
00:46:25,336 --> 00:46:28,053
- Will we kill her now, boss'?
- No, we won't kill her now.
931
00:46:28,130 --> 00:46:29,422
We'll miss I'm a Celebrity.
932
00:46:29,506 --> 00:46:32,353
You get the vat turned on,
get it all hot and bubbly, like.
933
00:46:33,425 --> 00:46:34,469
We'll watch a bit of telly,
934
00:46:34,551 --> 00:46:36,271
then we'll decide what to do.
935
00:46:38,596 --> 00:46:41,893
Scream! I said scream!
936
00:46:42,682 --> 00:46:45,150
I wanna hear you scream!
937
00:46:45,226 --> 00:46:46,317
In your dreams!
938
00:46:46,393 --> 00:46:49,655
- Dennis, shall we get some ice cream?
- Yeah, what's your favourite'?
939
00:46:49,729 --> 00:46:51,282
Rum and raisin.
940
00:46:51,355 --> 00:46:54,035
I'll let you smear it all over me
knackers and let you lick it off.
941
00:46:54,483 --> 00:46:55,775
I'm jokin'!
942
00:46:56,067 --> 00:46:58,747
You've got to put those
polytechnic days behind you, man.
943
00:46:58,861 --> 00:47:01,161
Honestly! You tit!
944
00:47:01,946 --> 00:47:03,618
(BUBBLING)
945
00:47:06,325 --> 00:47:11,164
One billion and a half and one,
one billion and a half and two,
946
00:47:11,870 --> 00:47:15,796
one billion and a half and three.
Can you go faster with that fan'?
947
00:47:17,166 --> 00:47:18,968
Don't you think you
should check on Rosie
948
00:47:19,042 --> 00:47:20,134
rather than counting your money'?
949
00:47:20,210 --> 00:47:22,594
You seem to have forgotten
about all your problems back in Leeds.
950
00:47:23,379 --> 00:47:26,641
This is nothing but bad karma, Keith.
Bad, bad karma.
951
00:47:27,048 --> 00:47:31,686
Archi-cock-blocker, I am calmer.
I'm as calm as a cucumber, unlike you.
952
00:47:31,760 --> 00:47:35,188
All you've done is complain
since I've been an overnight success.
953
00:47:35,263 --> 00:47:37,943
Which is perplexing, really,
as it were you who fixed it all up.
954
00:47:38,015 --> 00:47:41,193
Don't remind me.
You know, I made a big mistake, Keith.
955
00:47:41,267 --> 00:47:42,690
The only mistake you made, brother,
956
00:47:42,768 --> 00:47:45,188
is not getting yourself a costume
for tonight's toga party.
957
00:47:45,270 --> 00:47:46,313
Toga party?
958
00:47:46,396 --> 00:47:50,191
And because I'm a nice and kind man,
and remembered...
959
00:47:50,274 --> 00:47:51,994
- Here. Put that on.
- (GRUNTING)
960
00:47:52,942 --> 00:47:54,947
- This is a napkin.
- It'll be big enough for you.
961
00:47:55,027 --> 00:47:56,415
- But...
- Now excuse me.
962
00:47:56,487 --> 00:47:57,744
I've got a phone call to make.
963
00:48:01,157 --> 00:48:04,750
Hello, is that Yorkshire Bank'?
It's Keith. How much money have I got'?
964
00:48:04,993 --> 00:48:07,673
Don't you see
that all this is too good to be true'?
965
00:48:07,745 --> 00:48:13,711
Archidoodles, if things appear too good
to be true, then they probably are true.
966
00:48:14,250 --> 00:48:17,843
That is the saying.
Now excuse me, I'm on t'phone.
967
00:48:18,670 --> 00:48:19,962
Can you confirm that for me, please?
968
00:48:20,046 --> 00:48:22,595
MAN: You are currently
one billion, five hundred million
969
00:48:22,673 --> 00:48:24,807
- and eight pounds in credit.
- (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
970
00:48:27,176 --> 00:48:29,430
Kelly Brook. I've just been on t'phone
to Yorkshire Bank.
971
00:48:29,511 --> 00:48:32,096
I've got one billion and a half
and eight pounds.
972
00:48:32,180 --> 00:48:35,109
I thought I had one billion and a half
and three pounds.
973
00:48:35,182 --> 00:48:38,942
I've just made five pounds,
sat in t'hot tub. Ooosh!
974
00:48:39,310 --> 00:48:43,449
Hey, man. You should ditch this broad.
She's nothing but trouble, if you ask me.
975
00:48:43,521 --> 00:48:46,107
Ditch Kelly Brook?
Have you been glue sniffing?
976
00:48:46,190 --> 00:48:49,404
- Wow! That's so much money.
- Yeah, I know.
977
00:48:50,443 --> 00:48:53,028
Here. You can have some.
978
00:48:53,362 --> 00:48:57,418
Go buy yourself a brassiere
or some tampons. Girl things.
979
00:48:59,408 --> 00:49:03,250
Keith, um... Can I have a word with you'?
980
00:49:05,996 --> 00:49:07,040
(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING)
981
00:49:09,207 --> 00:49:10,250
(TIGER GROWLING)
982
00:49:10,374 --> 00:49:13,506
Archi... (BABBLES)
Can we have some privacy, please?
983
00:49:15,128 --> 00:49:16,302
Go on, piss off.
984
00:49:16,379 --> 00:49:18,715
Keith, I know you've been waiting
for this moment.
985
00:49:19,214 --> 00:49:22,097
So have I. I want you
to constipate this relationship.
986
00:49:23,175 --> 00:49:26,389
Well, come and take me.
Just take me now. Take all of me.
987
00:49:26,553 --> 00:49:29,898
I'm sick of this dry-humping.
I wanna feel you.
988
00:49:30,056 --> 00:49:31,348
I want you to touch me in places.
989
00:49:31,432 --> 00:49:33,234
- I've never been touched before.
- (ARCHIMEDES MUMBLING)
990
00:49:33,350 --> 00:49:35,899
I want you to stick
your fingers in my mouth.
991
00:49:36,060 --> 00:49:37,732
Like Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct.
992
00:49:37,811 --> 00:49:40,195
- Just stick them in it really hard.
- Mmm. Scumbag.
993
00:49:40,313 --> 00:49:43,112
Oh, Keith, I can just
feel you right now.
994
00:49:43,190 --> 00:49:46,286
Just come and smash my back doors in.
Take me, Keith!
995
00:49:46,359 --> 00:49:47,912
- Take me! (SCREAMING)
- I'm coming!
996
00:49:48,111 --> 00:49:49,996
(FREAK ME, BABY BY ANOTHER LEVEL
PLAYING)
997
00:49:50,070 --> 00:49:53,332
♪ I wanna get freaky with you
998
00:49:54,449 --> 00:49:56,998
♪ Baby, don't you understand?
999
00:49:57,784 --> 00:50:00,168
♪ I wanna be your nasty man
1000
00:50:01,245 --> 00:50:03,713
♪ I wanna make your body scream
1001
00:50:04,789 --> 00:50:07,008
[♪ Then you will know just what] mean
1002
00:50:07,792 --> 00:50:09,215
(RATTLING)
1003
00:50:09,293 --> 00:50:10,929
♪ 24-carat gold
1004
00:50:11,836 --> 00:50:14,172
♪ Don't want the night to grow cold
1005
00:50:15,256 --> 00:50:17,390
♪ I love the taste of whipped cream
1006
00:50:19,050 --> 00:50:20,936
♪ Spread it on top of me
1007
00:50:21,010 --> 00:50:22,137
(CHOKING)
1008
00:50:22,219 --> 00:50:24,638
♪ You know I can't resist you, girl
1009
00:50:25,888 --> 00:50:28,308
♪ I'll fly you all around the world
1010
00:50:29,349 --> 00:50:31,401
♪ I wanna see your body drip
1011
00:50:32,935 --> 00:50:35,699
- ♪ Come on, let me take a sip... ♪
- (GASPING) Minge.
1012
00:50:36,646 --> 00:50:38,615
- ♪ To come, what you cherish most... ♪
- Aaah!
1013
00:50:38,689 --> 00:50:41,868
♪ Lick you up and down and make
your bounty body wanna scream
1014
00:50:41,942 --> 00:50:45,287
♪ Every time I think about your love
I want to lick you down
1015
00:50:45,361 --> 00:50:47,366
♪ Let me freak you all night long
and, girl, then you will... ♪
1016
00:50:47,446 --> 00:50:48,537
(THUDDING)
1017
00:50:48,780 --> 00:50:50,536
Oh, yes.
1018
00:50:52,825 --> 00:50:57,580
♪ Lick you up and down and make
your bounty body wanna scream... ♪
1019
00:50:57,662 --> 00:50:59,583
(GASPS)
1020
00:50:59,663 --> 00:51:05,510
♪ 'Cause tonight, baby,
I wanna get freaky with you
1021
00:51:05,584 --> 00:51:10,092
♪ Let me lick you up and down
till you say stop ♪
1022
00:51:10,171 --> 00:51:11,262
(EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)
1023
00:51:12,673 --> 00:51:17,726
♪ Let me play with your body, baby,
make you real hot... ♪
1024
00:51:20,262 --> 00:51:22,313
(PANTING)
1025
00:51:26,892 --> 00:51:28,315
(MOANING)
1026
00:51:31,979 --> 00:51:35,490
Well, um... I had a good time.
1027
00:51:35,690 --> 00:51:39,320
I hope you did.
I promise you I wasn't faking anything.
1028
00:51:40,693 --> 00:51:43,825
It was nice.
I'll go get ready for the party.
1029
00:51:45,322 --> 00:51:47,373
- Oh!
- Excuse me.
1030
00:51:51,368 --> 00:51:55,792
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me. Sorry.
1031
00:52:00,208 --> 00:52:01,679
Sorry. Excuse me.
1032
00:52:03,585 --> 00:52:06,764
Hello, my name is Douglas.
I'm going to London.
1033
00:52:06,838 --> 00:52:08,842
- Where are you going?
- London.
1034
00:52:13,009 --> 00:52:16,223
Hello, my name is Douglas.
I'm going to London.
1035
00:52:16,553 --> 00:52:19,021
- Where are you going?
- London.
1036
00:52:24,434 --> 00:52:28,823
- Hello, my name is Douglas...
- We're all going to fucking London!
1037
00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:34,945
- (BELL DINGING)
- ANNOUNCER: Today's in-coach movie
1038
00:52:35,025 --> 00:52:37,872
is the Sylvester Stallone classic,
wait for it...
1039
00:52:38,569 --> 00:52:42,531
- Spy Kids 3D in 2D.
- (GROANING) His worst one.
1040
00:52:47,409 --> 00:52:51,798
Um... I'm sorry about what just happened
when I blabbed up all over the place.
1041
00:52:51,871 --> 00:52:54,338
That's never happened
to me before ever in me life.
1042
00:52:54,414 --> 00:52:58,839
Anyway, as a token of my apology,
I've got you a present.
1043
00:52:59,543 --> 00:53:03,802
I'd like to present you
with these two piranhas on plinths.
1044
00:53:06,298 --> 00:53:08,054
If you don't like them,
you can take the plinths off
1045
00:53:08,175 --> 00:53:09,811
and you can wear them as earrings.
1046
00:53:09,884 --> 00:53:12,517
Just bring 'em up to your ears.
Let's see what they look like.
1047
00:53:12,595 --> 00:53:14,397
Oh, yes. They look beautiful.
1048
00:53:14,763 --> 00:53:17,017
It really brings the colour
out of your breasts... Your eyes.
1049
00:53:17,140 --> 00:53:21,398
- Lovely. Do you like 'em'?
- Yeah, they're, um... unique.
1050
00:53:22,227 --> 00:53:25,488
Yeah, they're unique, aren't they'?
Piranha fish earrings.
1051
00:53:25,562 --> 00:53:27,484
Ever so unique. I like that word.
1052
00:53:27,564 --> 00:53:29,236
So that means it's a good thing,
doesn't it'?
1053
00:53:29,315 --> 00:53:30,407
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1054
00:53:30,483 --> 00:53:33,163
I love that film, Piranha 3D, me.
I think it's amazing.
1055
00:53:33,860 --> 00:53:37,205
Yeah, all the blood and gore and stuff.
That's my kind of film.
1056
00:53:38,155 --> 00:53:40,835
You seen Rambo? You've not seen Rambo?
1057
00:53:40,907 --> 00:53:42,959
I'll tell you what happens in Rambo
if you've not seen Rambo.
1058
00:53:43,034 --> 00:53:45,038
What happens in Rambo
is he tries to get into a small town.
1059
00:53:45,160 --> 00:53:46,266
They won't let him into the small town.
1060
00:53:46,286 --> 00:53:47,377
So he goes into the small town anyway.
1061
00:53:47,454 --> 00:53:48,876
So they arrest him
and take him down to the station,
1062
00:53:48,955 --> 00:53:50,046
do his fingerprints, but you can see
1063
00:53:50,164 --> 00:53:51,255
he don't want to do his fingerprints.
1064
00:53:51,331 --> 00:53:52,920
Then they put him in the shower
and they hose him down,
1065
00:53:52,958 --> 00:53:54,007
which I thought was a bit homoerotic.
1066
00:53:54,083 --> 00:53:55,886
And then he punches
that ginger guy from CSI: Miami.
1067
00:53:55,960 --> 00:53:57,929
Then he breaks out. Then there's
a passerby on the motorbike.
1068
00:53:58,003 --> 00:53:59,177
He takes his motorbike from him.
1069
00:53:59,254 --> 00:54:01,009
And then he goes into the forest
and he climbs up a tree.
1070
00:54:01,089 --> 00:54:02,844
Then he falls out of the tree.
He cuts all his arm up.
1071
00:54:02,923 --> 00:54:03,967
But, lucky for him,
he's got a Rambo knife.
1072
00:54:04,049 --> 00:54:05,093
It's got loads of trinkets in it.
1073
00:54:05,175 --> 00:54:06,218
It's got needle and thread in there.
1074
00:54:06,301 --> 00:54:07,344
So he sews up his arm like that
1075
00:54:07,427 --> 00:54:09,431
and he goes further into the forest
being chased by the locals.
1076
00:54:09,511 --> 00:54:11,100
A bit like Frankenstein.
They've got torches and stuff.
1077
00:54:11,179 --> 00:54:12,223
Then he goes into a tunnel.
1078
00:54:12,305 --> 00:54:14,061
And we see loads of flashbacks
of when he was in Vietnam.
1079
00:54:14,182 --> 00:54:15,225
So we know he's not in trouble.
1080
00:54:15,307 --> 00:54:16,648
And then he gets
loads of rats on his back.
1081
00:54:16,725 --> 00:54:18,812
And he burns the rats off his back.
Then they blow up the tunnel.
1082
00:54:18,893 --> 00:54:20,649
Then he goes out of the tunnel.
Then he goes into the town
1083
00:54:20,728 --> 00:54:21,902
that he tried to get into before.
1084
00:54:21,979 --> 00:54:23,532
And he meets his old sergeant
and then he says...
1085
00:54:23,605 --> 00:54:25,526
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
1086
00:54:27,775 --> 00:54:30,029
You can't tell what he's saying
but you can tell that he says,
1087
00:54:30,110 --> 00:54:32,529
"They drew first blood. Not me."
1088
00:54:33,112 --> 00:54:36,208
Hence the title of the film,
First Blood.
1089
00:54:36,365 --> 00:54:38,334
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
1090
00:54:40,826 --> 00:54:43,543
Hey, I've heard that the sequel
to Marley & Me is coming out as well.
1091
00:54:43,620 --> 00:54:45,671
Marley & Me 2.
And that's gonna be in 3D.
1092
00:54:45,747 --> 00:54:47,383
If it is in 3D,
that's gonna be summat.
1093
00:54:47,456 --> 00:54:48,500
I'll buy a ticket for that, I will.
1094
00:54:50,542 --> 00:54:53,803
Keith Lemon, award winning businessman
and overnight billionaire,
1095
00:54:53,877 --> 00:54:57,056
is hosting a toga party
to top all toga parties.
1096
00:54:57,130 --> 00:55:00,095
Promising to be a night
packed full of celebrities.
1097
00:55:00,215 --> 00:55:02,516
It's certainly...
Ohhh! The Rizzle Kicks are here.
1098
00:55:02,592 --> 00:55:03,933
Looking forward to the party, guys?
1099
00:55:04,010 --> 00:55:06,228
Yeah, I've always wanted
to fuck a goddess.
1100
00:55:06,303 --> 00:55:07,477
I'm a black Zeus.
1101
00:55:07,554 --> 00:55:10,139
Um... I've just got to apologise
for the language there
1102
00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:12,981
and it's certainly a party
nobody's going to want to miss.
1103
00:55:13,058 --> 00:55:15,941
- MAN: Rizzle Kicks, over here.
- I can't believe they fucking swore.
1104
00:55:16,144 --> 00:55:19,240
- WOMAN: Keith Lemon party, this way.
- (CARS HONKING)
1105
00:55:20,230 --> 00:55:21,867
Lemon Towers.
1106
00:55:25,693 --> 00:55:27,863
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
1107
00:55:48,543 --> 00:55:51,046
- (WHOOPING)
- Keith, what about Rosie'?
1108
00:55:57,633 --> 00:56:02,271
Ladies, what we got here is a boiled egg
surrounded by Italian sausage meat
1109
00:56:02,345 --> 00:56:06,484
and golden breadcrumb.
In Italy, we call it the Scotch egg.
1110
00:56:06,723 --> 00:56:10,150
It's like putting a ship in a bottle.
Touch my balls, touch my balls.
1111
00:56:11,268 --> 00:56:13,154
No, I meant really touch my balls.
1112
00:56:13,895 --> 00:56:15,734
(WOMEN CHEERING)
1113
00:56:18,106 --> 00:56:20,277
Man, messed up again.
1114
00:56:23,402 --> 00:56:25,038
(CHUCKLING)
1115
00:56:26,112 --> 00:56:28,413
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING LOUDLY)
1116
00:56:29,698 --> 00:56:32,627
Oh! Is this alcoholic?
Fucking-A! (GIGGLING)
1117
00:56:34,368 --> 00:56:35,460
- Hey.
- Hmm?
1118
00:56:35,536 --> 00:56:38,418
You told me this was
an Egyptian party, you twat.
1119
00:56:39,539 --> 00:56:40,630
(CHEERING)
1120
00:56:41,957 --> 00:56:43,878
So, Tinchy, how do you know Keith then?
1121
00:56:43,959 --> 00:56:46,295
- He's my cousin, innit?
- Oh.
1122
00:56:49,963 --> 00:56:52,299
Come on, come on, come on...
1123
00:56:52,381 --> 00:56:54,386
- Yes! Come on!
- (ALL CHEERING)
1124
00:56:54,466 --> 00:56:56,802
- You beauty!
- (TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYING)
1125
00:57:00,721 --> 00:57:02,441
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
1126
00:57:05,850 --> 00:57:08,530
- You all having a good time?
- (ALL CHEERING)
1127
00:57:09,603 --> 00:57:13,612
Well, it's about to get even gooderer_
It's very emotional, this, for me.
1128
00:57:14,231 --> 00:57:17,694
[Some of you may or may not know
that] come from a single-parent family.
1129
00:57:17,775 --> 00:57:21,452
There was just me and me mam
and me brother, who was homosexual.
1130
00:57:21,528 --> 00:57:23,947
That's why I'm a little bit effeminate.
1131
00:57:25,239 --> 00:57:27,374
It's all lager under the bridge.
1132
00:57:27,532 --> 00:57:28,706
Kelly, can you get off t'phone, please?
1133
00:57:28,783 --> 00:57:30,503
- I'm a bit emotional.
- Oh.
1134
00:57:31,202 --> 00:57:34,380
Please welcome on-stage...
(MIMICKING DARTH VADER) My father!
1135
00:57:34,454 --> 00:57:37,633
- It's none other than Billy Ocean!
- (ALL CHEERING)
1136
00:57:38,165 --> 00:57:39,921
WOMAN: We love you, Billy!
1137
00:57:41,459 --> 00:57:44,223
If Billy Ocean's his father,
then I'm his fucking mother.
1138
00:57:44,336 --> 00:57:47,053
It's me dad. You can see, can't you?
1139
00:57:49,507 --> 00:57:50,764
(ECHOING) Rewind selector.
1140
00:57:51,508 --> 00:57:53,560
(WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH,
THE TOUGH GET GOING PLAYING)
1141
00:58:00,098 --> 00:58:03,775
♪ Yeah! Oh, honey
1142
00:58:07,020 --> 00:58:10,365
♪ I got something to tell you
1143
00:58:10,981 --> 00:58:13,151
♪ I got something to say
1144
00:58:14,650 --> 00:58:17,996
♪ I'm gonna put this dream in motion
1145
00:58:18,528 --> 00:58:21,208
♪ Never let nothing stand in my way ♪
1146
00:58:21,531 --> 00:58:24,033
- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
- Hold on. Wait for me. Wait for me.
1147
00:58:24,241 --> 00:58:26,541
- He's huge, so huge.
- (WOMAN MURMURING)
1148
00:58:26,993 --> 00:58:29,412
- No, I didn't know what...
- DOUGIE: You'll be all right, Dougie.
1149
00:58:29,495 --> 00:58:31,215
Just don't make eye Contact with a gay.
1150
00:58:32,372 --> 00:58:35,088
Oh, he's gay. Definitely gay.
1151
00:58:35,874 --> 00:58:38,555
At least he's no terrorist. Fuck off!
1152
00:58:39,002 --> 00:58:40,508
- Craig'?
- Who's that'?
1153
00:58:40,586 --> 00:58:42,673
It is Avid. Do you know Billy Ocean'?
1154
00:58:42,754 --> 00:58:45,257
Yeah, he was a huge,
big pop star in the '80s.
1155
00:58:45,381 --> 00:58:48,643
He looks like black Santa Claus.
I trust him.
1156
00:58:49,051 --> 00:58:50,723
- I can't hear you.
- I can't hear you.
1157
00:58:50,802 --> 00:58:53,898
- I've got a bad reception.
- I have a bad reception.
1158
00:58:53,971 --> 00:58:55,394
I lost him. I'm in the shit.
1159
00:58:55,472 --> 00:58:57,975
♪ When the going gets tough
♪ The tough get going
1160
00:58:58,057 --> 00:58:59,777
♪ When the going gets rough
1161
00:59:05,438 --> 00:59:09,115
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
1162
00:59:11,150 --> 00:59:12,621
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
1163
00:59:14,653 --> 00:59:15,744
Keith?
1164
00:59:18,072 --> 00:59:20,207
Keith! It's me!
1165
00:59:22,951 --> 00:59:23,994
Keith!
1166
00:59:27,871 --> 00:59:31,464
♪ Darlin', I'll climb any mountain
1167
00:59:31,874 --> 00:59:35,005
♪ Darlin', I'll do anything
1168
00:59:37,378 --> 00:59:39,465
♪ Ooh, can I touch you?
♪ Ooh, can I touch you?
1169
00:59:39,671 --> 00:59:42,008
♪ And do the things that lovers do? ♪
1170
00:59:42,590 --> 00:59:45,935
- Hey.
- That was so good. Oh, God!
1171
00:59:46,301 --> 00:59:47,891
(GROANING)
1172
00:59:48,219 --> 00:59:50,853
Do you know what,
can you get me a drink, babes'?
1173
00:59:50,930 --> 00:59:52,981
- Anything for you.
- Oh, thanks.
1174
00:59:53,557 --> 00:59:54,684
Ugh!
1175
01:00:03,939 --> 01:00:07,035
So are things, like, really serious
between you and Keith Lemon, then?
1176
01:00:07,275 --> 01:00:11,664
(SCOFFING) What do you think'?
It's good PR being with him.
1177
01:00:12,112 --> 01:00:14,829
I'm gonna marry him,
divorce him, then take half...
1178
01:00:14,989 --> 01:00:18,666
Oh, no, sorry. All of his money.
Then just move on to the next one.
1179
01:00:21,577 --> 01:00:23,000
- What a bitch!
- I know.
1180
01:00:23,078 --> 01:00:25,961
It is so obvious what she's up to.
And he is a moron.
1181
01:00:26,581 --> 01:00:28,253
- I think he's hot.
- What?
1182
01:00:28,749 --> 01:00:32,130
I kind of wanna do
a special lying down dance with him
1183
01:00:32,210 --> 01:00:36,385
and then run my fingers
through his soft, strawberry blond hair.
1184
01:00:37,214 --> 01:00:39,468
Right. Um... lam...
1185
01:00:39,549 --> 01:00:42,265
- I'm just gonna go and powder my boobs.
- (SIGHING)
1186
01:00:44,219 --> 01:00:46,638
- Simon Pegg?
- No, Ronan Keating.
1187
01:00:47,054 --> 01:00:50,150
- Oh, from, um, Take That'?
- No, you're thinking of Gary Barlow.
1188
01:00:50,223 --> 01:00:52,228
No, I was thinking Simon Pegg.
1189
01:00:53,142 --> 01:00:55,313
- Do you like me phone'?
- Yeah, it's great. Love it.
1190
01:00:55,394 --> 01:00:56,604
Thanks.
1191
01:00:57,979 --> 01:01:01,193
- Hey, I'm shagging Kelly Brook.
- Fair enough.
1192
01:01:01,273 --> 01:01:04,950
Bit rough in t'morning,
but when she puts her make-up on... Fuck!
1193
01:01:05,651 --> 01:01:06,825
Strange lad. Come on!
1194
01:01:06,902 --> 01:01:09,785
♪ ...gets tough
Go and get rough ♪
1195
01:01:09,905 --> 01:01:11,660
(ALL CHEERING)
1196
01:01:15,117 --> 01:01:16,327
Thank you.
1197
01:01:18,286 --> 01:01:21,049
- Thank you, Keith.
- (SPOUTING GIBBERISH)
1198
01:01:21,747 --> 01:01:25,376
It's time for Keith Lemon
karaoke toga party!
1199
01:01:25,499 --> 01:01:27,053
(ALL CHEERING)
1200
01:01:28,126 --> 01:01:33,677
First up is Keith Lemon's old-school
business associate, Kushvinder Rihal!
1201
01:01:35,090 --> 01:01:39,265
Thank you. I'm going
to dedicate this song
1202
01:01:39,343 --> 01:01:42,770
to my beautiful wife.
1203
01:01:43,179 --> 01:01:44,306
Hit it!
1204
01:01:44,847 --> 01:01:46,852
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
1205
01:01:52,519 --> 01:01:54,654
♪ Hey, fatti bum bum!
1206
01:01:55,730 --> 01:01:57,948
♪ Sweet sugar dumpling
1207
01:01:59,274 --> 01:02:01,860
♪ Hey, fatti boom boom
1208
01:02:02,527 --> 01:02:03,570
♪ Let me tell you... ♪
1209
01:02:03,694 --> 01:02:07,157
I thought I'd like to buy you
a right expensive puffer jacket.
1210
01:02:07,364 --> 01:02:09,285
- DOUGIE: Keith!
- The puffiest puffer jacket...
1211
01:02:09,365 --> 01:02:11,037
- DOUGIE: Keith!
- ...you can see in t'shops.
1212
01:02:11,116 --> 01:02:13,370
- The puffiest.
- Excuse me. I'll get over.
1213
01:02:13,785 --> 01:02:15,836
(WHIMPERING)
1214
01:02:16,579 --> 01:02:19,082
Keith! Keith!
1215
01:02:20,373 --> 01:02:21,417
What'?
1216
01:02:22,541 --> 01:02:26,930
Keith, it's me, Douglas. Douglas Orange.
1217
01:02:28,004 --> 01:02:30,684
Listen, we need to take you
back home to Leeds.
1218
01:02:30,756 --> 01:02:32,843
Evil Steve has kidnapped Rosie.
1219
01:02:32,924 --> 01:02:35,094
And only you can save us
by giving us money for t'poles.
1220
01:02:35,885 --> 01:02:41,021
Listen, firstly,
I know about eleven Douglaseseses.
1221
01:02:41,222 --> 01:02:43,024
And you're not one of them.
1222
01:02:43,348 --> 01:02:46,444
Thirdly, I don't know
anyone called Rosie.
1223
01:02:46,768 --> 01:02:50,113
There's only one woman in my life
and that's Kelly Brook.
1224
01:02:50,187 --> 01:02:52,690
And she loves me
and we fuck like spider monkeys.
1225
01:02:52,981 --> 01:02:56,194
- (SCOFFING)
- Keith, it's me, Douglas.
1226
01:02:56,733 --> 01:02:59,616
Security! Take this dingbat away.
1227
01:03:00,111 --> 01:03:02,281
If you want money, here.
1228
01:03:03,447 --> 01:03:07,076
Go buy yourself a new suit,
'cause you look low-quality.
1229
01:03:07,158 --> 01:03:08,878
Daft tomato-face! (HISSING)
1230
01:03:10,076 --> 01:03:12,247
- (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
- You used to be my friend.
1231
01:03:12,328 --> 01:03:15,092
More than that,
you were like my brother!
1232
01:03:16,206 --> 01:03:17,499
Well, not as close as that,
1233
01:03:17,624 --> 01:03:19,509
more like a cousin
that I saw at family occasions
1234
01:03:19,625 --> 01:03:22,210
like Christmas and birthdays
and funerals and stuff.
1235
01:03:22,586 --> 01:03:25,219
Once we celebrated St George's Day,
but we didn't know what it meant.
1236
01:03:25,463 --> 01:03:28,262
- You don't know what St George's Day is?
- I love St George's Day.
1237
01:03:28,340 --> 01:03:30,510
I love St George's Day.
That is my favourite holiday.
1238
01:03:30,633 --> 01:03:32,638
That's my favourite holiday, too.
1239
01:03:32,718 --> 01:03:34,059
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
1240
01:03:34,136 --> 01:03:35,689
I wanna fingerblast you right now.
1241
01:03:35,762 --> 01:03:37,399
Are you listening to me, Keith Lemon'?
1242
01:03:37,847 --> 01:03:42,603
You listen to me.
Will you kindly leave my lavish palace?
1243
01:03:42,684 --> 01:03:43,811
(GLASS SMASHES)
1244
01:03:45,686 --> 01:03:51,652
- Go on, get out, you wronghead!
- That's harsh, man. Totally un-PC.
1245
01:03:51,857 --> 01:03:53,447
You can shut up and all.
1246
01:03:53,525 --> 01:03:55,945
There's far worse things
I could've called him.
1247
01:03:56,027 --> 01:03:57,866
Like a stupid spas...
1248
01:03:58,028 --> 01:03:59,535
- (ALL GASPING)
- What did he say'?
1249
01:04:02,448 --> 01:04:05,496
I wasn't gonna say
what you thought I was gonna say.
1250
01:04:06,076 --> 01:04:07,832
'Cause... I was... I was gonna say...
1251
01:04:09,454 --> 01:04:11,956
(SPEAKING MOCK FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
1252
01:04:29,677 --> 01:04:32,559
Which is foreign for, "You silly idiot."
1253
01:04:34,138 --> 01:04:38,444
- Now go on, flip off! Go on, flip off!
- Damn moron.
1254
01:04:41,185 --> 01:04:42,941
Go on, get out of it.
1255
01:04:43,020 --> 01:04:44,692
(DOUGIE GRUNTING)
1256
01:04:44,771 --> 01:04:48,827
You used to be the main man.
Now you're not the main anything.
1257
01:04:49,441 --> 01:04:53,451
I, Douglas Orange, am not friends
with Keith Lemon any more.
1258
01:04:53,736 --> 01:04:54,910
Good.
1259
01:05:00,324 --> 01:05:01,795
- And you know what'?
- What?
1260
01:05:02,993 --> 01:05:05,080
- I'm not your fixer any more.
- Oh.
1261
01:05:05,161 --> 01:05:07,497
I'd rather eat shit
than hang out with you.
1262
01:05:07,580 --> 01:05:12,584
Then go eat shit, you shit-eater.
Go get some shit and put it in a pita.
1263
01:05:13,501 --> 01:05:14,841
A shita. (CHUCKLING)
1264
01:05:16,503 --> 01:05:19,183
- Go on. Get out, you dicksplats.
- Piss off!
1265
01:05:21,173 --> 01:05:23,391
- What was that all about'?
- I don't know.
1266
01:05:23,466 --> 01:05:24,937
But I'll tell you what, Kelly Brook.
1267
01:05:25,009 --> 01:05:27,689
I will let you finger my arsehole
as a part of lovemaking.
1268
01:05:27,761 --> 01:05:30,940
And I have never let anyone
stick their finger up my arse.
1269
01:05:31,014 --> 01:05:32,401
WOMEN: Aw!
1270
01:05:34,183 --> 01:05:36,816
I lust you... Love you. Fancy it'?
1271
01:05:37,352 --> 01:05:38,692
- Come on, then.
- (WHISPERING) Up there.
1272
01:05:39,520 --> 01:05:41,987
Come on, we're having a party. Party.
1273
01:05:48,610 --> 01:05:50,864
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
1274
01:05:51,612 --> 01:05:52,953
(SIGHING)
1275
01:05:53,489 --> 01:05:55,458
(LAUGHING) Douglas.
1276
01:05:56,032 --> 01:05:58,333
Who would win in a fight
out of all the Expendables
1277
01:05:58,409 --> 01:06:01,291
in that film, um... The Expendables'?
1278
01:06:01,745 --> 01:06:03,998
Sylvester Stallone, obviously.
He's t'leader.
1279
01:06:04,080 --> 01:06:06,167
- But what about Jason Streatham'?
- Crank.
1280
01:06:06,248 --> 01:06:07,458
- Jet Li'?
- Easy Jet.
1281
01:06:07,707 --> 01:06:09,261
- Mickey Rourke.
- Mickey... (IMITATES CLUCKING)
1282
01:06:09,625 --> 01:06:11,262
What about Arnold Schwarzenegger'?
1283
01:06:11,335 --> 01:06:14,264
The only governor
is Sylvester Stallone. (ECHOING)
1284
01:06:14,796 --> 01:06:16,468
(GROWLING)
1285
01:06:32,350 --> 01:06:34,320
- I've been stitched up.
- (BELL DINGING)
1286
01:06:35,353 --> 01:06:37,772
ANNOUNCER: Hello, coach travellers.
Here's a bit of news for you.
1287
01:06:37,855 --> 01:06:40,653
Tonight's in-coach movie
is a Sylvester Stallone classic.
1288
01:06:40,732 --> 01:06:43,495
Wait for it. It's none other than...
Wait for it... Rambo!
1289
01:06:43,817 --> 01:06:45,703
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
1290
01:06:47,028 --> 01:06:48,830
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
1291
01:06:48,904 --> 01:06:51,205
It's the moment you all waiting for.
1292
01:06:51,281 --> 01:06:54,495
We got the main funky guy
and the main funky girl!
1293
01:06:54,825 --> 01:06:57,161
It's "K" for Kelly-Lemon!
1294
01:06:57,536 --> 01:07:00,548
Hey, bro, they're doing karaoke.
You gonna have a go'?
1295
01:07:00,913 --> 01:07:02,301
Nah, mate, singing's not for me.
1296
01:07:02,373 --> 01:07:03,630
MAN: We love you, Keith!
1297
01:07:06,334 --> 01:07:07,924
(MOANING HOARSELY)
1298
01:07:12,964 --> 01:07:15,015
- (MOUTHING)
- (HUMMING OFF-TUNE)
1299
01:07:16,341 --> 01:07:18,346
(SINGING NASALLY) ♪ Especially for you
1300
01:07:18,968 --> 01:07:20,521
(MOUTHING WORDS)
1301
01:07:21,720 --> 01:07:26,524
♪ I wanna let you know
what I was going through
1302
01:07:26,766 --> 01:07:30,857
♪ AI! The times we were
apart I thought of you
1303
01:07:31,686 --> 01:07:34,271
♪ You were in my heart
1304
01:07:34,355 --> 01:07:36,157
♪ My love never changed
1305
01:07:37,815 --> 01:07:39,487
♪ I still feel the same
1306
01:07:40,609 --> 01:07:42,614
♪ Especially for you
1307
01:07:44,028 --> 01:07:45,120
♪ I wanna tell you... ♪
1308
01:07:45,196 --> 01:07:46,998
Fucking killing your song, dude.
1309
01:07:47,072 --> 01:07:48,329
Flamin' bastards!
1310
01:07:48,990 --> 01:07:51,125
♪ And if dreams were wings... ♪
1311
01:07:52,326 --> 01:07:55,422
We interrupt this broadcast
with breaking news from around the world
1312
01:07:55,495 --> 01:07:59,966
of a horrid side effect blamed directly
on the use of the Lemon Phone.
1313
01:08:00,040 --> 01:08:02,258
(SINGING CONTINUES)
1314
01:08:02,500 --> 01:08:04,754
Confirmed reports are now confirming
1315
01:08:04,835 --> 01:08:07,338
that the phone causes
a bizarre condition
1316
01:08:07,421 --> 01:08:10,101
known to experts as "wonky mouth."
1317
01:08:10,214 --> 01:08:12,219
♪ ...because of you...
1318
01:08:13,759 --> 01:08:18,147
♪ Together forever, I was... ♪
1319
01:08:18,220 --> 01:08:19,312
(IN A DEEP VOICE)
What's happening to my face'?
1320
01:08:19,388 --> 01:08:20,431
WOMAN: Oh, my God, look at Kelly!
1321
01:08:20,514 --> 01:08:21,771
What's happening to my mouth'?
1322
01:08:21,848 --> 01:08:23,899
Out of the way.
Shift, you. Shift, shift.
1323
01:08:24,308 --> 01:08:26,194
I'll tell you what's wrong
with your mouth, love.
1324
01:08:26,268 --> 01:08:28,522
It's that cheeky little badger's
fault up there.
1325
01:08:28,895 --> 01:08:31,445
Luckily, I still communicate
via fax and pager.
1326
01:08:31,730 --> 01:08:32,822
Sometimes pigeon.
1327
01:08:33,940 --> 01:08:36,408
But I bought my mother
one of those phones.
1328
01:08:36,484 --> 01:08:40,077
Your auntie, Keith.
Your very own flesh and blood.
1329
01:08:41,029 --> 01:08:43,116
And look what it's done to her face.
1330
01:08:43,489 --> 01:08:46,501
- WOMAN: Eurgh! Mingin'!
- Proper fucked.
1331
01:08:46,991 --> 01:08:49,078
And now I'm wracked wi' guilt.
1332
01:08:49,910 --> 01:08:51,500
(SIGHING HEAVILY)
1333
01:08:51,703 --> 01:08:53,542
I'm sorry, Auntie Fanny.
1334
01:08:53,788 --> 01:08:56,468
That's her real name, Fanny.
It's like American for "arse."
1335
01:08:56,540 --> 01:08:59,173
Now you might all think
I'm another relative
1336
01:08:59,250 --> 01:09:02,263
who's come out of the woodwork
because he's doing well for himself.
1337
01:09:02,378 --> 01:09:03,801
But you'd be wrong.
1338
01:09:03,879 --> 01:09:06,678
'Cause I'm here to tell you
the dangers of that phone.
1339
01:09:06,964 --> 01:09:09,977
The Lemon Phone. The Keith Lemon Phone.
1340
01:09:10,634 --> 01:09:13,682
Keep using it, and you'll all end up
with a face like her up there.
1341
01:09:14,261 --> 01:09:15,353
- Kelly Brook.
- (LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)
1342
01:09:15,429 --> 01:09:17,101
And don't get me wrong, Kelly, love.
1343
01:09:17,347 --> 01:09:19,434
I used to wank my eyelashes off
over you.
1344
01:09:19,932 --> 01:09:21,024
But not now, Kelly.
1345
01:09:21,142 --> 01:09:25,613
Not now you've got a face
like an old, blistered pisspot.
1346
01:09:25,687 --> 01:09:27,857
(IN A DEEP VOICE) My career!
My face, my beautiful face!
1347
01:09:28,480 --> 01:09:32,240
I'm sorry, Kelly.
No likey, you're wonky.
1348
01:09:32,483 --> 01:09:34,286
- I'll never work again.
- KEITH: It looks nice.
1349
01:09:34,401 --> 01:09:35,955
Just put a bag on your head,
it'll be all right.
1350
01:09:36,028 --> 01:09:38,744
Look at 'em! Look at 'em, Keith.
They're all changing!
1351
01:09:38,821 --> 01:09:40,292
- Look at their faces!
- (SCREAMING)
1352
01:09:40,364 --> 01:09:42,369
Van Outen! Tiny Strides!
1353
01:09:42,699 --> 01:09:43,873
Oh, for fuck's sake!
1354
01:09:44,158 --> 01:09:46,044
- Moylesie!
- What?
1355
01:09:46,202 --> 01:09:48,538
Holly Willoughbooby, Nostrils!
1356
01:09:48,995 --> 01:09:50,585
Odd-looking fucker blowin' trumpet!
1357
01:09:51,706 --> 01:09:54,422
- Gino D'Acampoff.
- (MUMBLING)
1358
01:09:55,167 --> 01:09:57,088
Peter Andre and Jason Doneover.
1359
01:09:57,710 --> 01:10:01,007
You're in the shit, Keith, lad.
You're in the shit.
1360
01:10:01,463 --> 01:10:03,384
Let the bell meet the end.
1361
01:10:04,632 --> 01:10:06,304
I'll see you in the sequel.
1362
01:10:08,009 --> 01:10:09,432
(IN A DEEP VOICE) I'll never work again.
1363
01:10:10,428 --> 01:10:11,555
Let's get him!
1364
01:10:15,223 --> 01:10:16,860
- Wanker!
- Yes!
1365
01:10:18,809 --> 01:10:20,150
Hey, when you see that Keith Lemon,
1366
01:10:20,227 --> 01:10:22,314
you tell him I'm gonna
kick his frickin' ass.
1367
01:10:22,478 --> 01:10:24,448
My mouth is Hoff-centre.
1368
01:10:24,772 --> 01:10:26,776
Pictures are coming in
of once loyal fans
1369
01:10:26,857 --> 01:10:29,537
who are now infuriated
with the northern businessman.
1370
01:10:30,192 --> 01:10:31,948
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
1371
01:10:32,402 --> 01:10:34,039
(SCREAMING)
1372
01:10:35,154 --> 01:10:37,455
Kushvinder, what the eff is going on'?
1373
01:10:37,531 --> 01:10:40,544
It appears as if they are blaming
your phone for their wonky mouth.
1374
01:10:40,617 --> 01:10:41,827
MY Phone?
1375
01:10:41,951 --> 01:10:43,920
- Didn't you PAT test this'?
- Of course I did.
1376
01:10:43,994 --> 01:10:46,711
Pat tested it and she said
it was bloody brilliant.
1377
01:10:46,955 --> 01:10:50,169
- Isn't that right, Pat'?
- Oh, yes, it's bloody marvellous.
1378
01:10:50,249 --> 01:10:52,300
It's got spirit level,
it's got Sati-nav,
1379
01:10:52,375 --> 01:10:54,594
a melodic selection of ringtones!
1380
01:10:54,669 --> 01:10:56,056
I mean P-A-T.
1381
01:10:56,128 --> 01:10:59,425
Which stands for
"portable appliance testing," you dingbats!
1382
01:11:00,548 --> 01:11:01,592
Time to go home.
1383
01:11:01,674 --> 01:11:04,852
Thanks for the 8.2%
gross corridor cheque.
1384
01:11:04,968 --> 01:11:06,309
How do!
1385
01:11:13,141 --> 01:11:14,564
(LOUD SCREAMING)
1386
01:11:25,275 --> 01:11:27,575
- He's going for the roof.
- (INDISTINCT YELLING)
1387
01:11:33,239 --> 01:11:34,911
Help me! Help me!
1388
01:11:35,782 --> 01:11:38,878
Somebody, help me!
Kelly Brook's gonna kill me now!
1389
01:11:38,993 --> 01:11:40,546
- She's gonna cut me knackers off!
- (COUGHING)
1390
01:11:42,621 --> 01:11:44,708
Archi-bee-gees, they're gonna kill me.
1391
01:11:44,789 --> 01:11:48,003
Me dream has turned to shit.
It's a nightmare!
1392
01:11:48,083 --> 01:11:51,012
Look, I came up here
for some peace and quiet. 50 fuck off.
1393
01:11:51,252 --> 01:11:52,344
(BANGING ON DOOR)
1394
01:11:52,420 --> 01:11:54,140
KELLY: We're gonna rip
your balls off, Keith Lemon!
1395
01:11:54,505 --> 01:11:55,678
She sounds pretty angry to me.
1396
01:11:56,756 --> 01:11:57,800
Here's Kelly!
1397
01:11:58,049 --> 01:12:01,097
- Looks like you haven't got long, man.
- I'm gonna kill you, Keith Lemon.
1398
01:12:01,593 --> 01:12:05,056
I've ruined everything.
I had me chance and I blowed it.
1399
01:12:06,222 --> 01:12:09,020
There's no other choice
for a self-centred bastard like me.
1400
01:12:09,099 --> 01:12:10,522
- I'm gonna kill meself.
- Just do it.
1401
01:12:10,892 --> 01:12:12,445
I'm gonna throw meself
off this building,
1402
01:12:12,518 --> 01:12:14,273
- which I once owned.
- Bye-bye.
1403
01:12:14,352 --> 01:12:15,823
I'm going to smash me skull
to smithereens.
1404
01:12:16,062 --> 01:12:17,106
I don't give a shit.
1405
01:12:17,188 --> 01:12:19,691
And a fox might come along
and lick me eyeballs clean out!
1406
01:12:19,773 --> 01:12:21,576
- Adiós, amigo.
- (PANTING)
1407
01:12:26,069 --> 01:12:29,034
I'm sorry, Rosie. I'm sorry, Douglas.
1408
01:12:29,781 --> 01:12:33,126
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
1409
01:12:35,576 --> 01:12:36,964
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
1410
01:12:37,119 --> 01:12:38,542
(SPRAYING)
1411
01:12:40,121 --> 01:12:44,759
Rosie, despite my devastatingly
handsome looks and me tallywacker,
1412
01:12:46,084 --> 01:12:50,555
which is as thick as a Coke can,
why are you with me'?
1413
01:12:51,880 --> 01:12:54,644
Well, everyone thinks
they know Keith Lemon,
1414
01:12:56,133 --> 01:13:00,059
this self-obsessed know-it-all
who really don't know anything.
1415
01:13:00,303 --> 01:13:02,105
I do know some things.
1416
01:13:02,638 --> 01:13:04,808
But I know the real Keith Lemon.
1417
01:13:04,890 --> 01:13:09,563
Kind, thoughtful, lovely man
who makes me smile.
1418
01:13:14,272 --> 01:13:15,482
So are you gonna do me white bits, then?
1419
01:13:16,690 --> 01:13:19,158
Leave your white bits. I like 'em.
1420
01:13:20,860 --> 01:13:22,117
Fair do's.
1421
01:13:23,362 --> 01:13:24,453
(GIGGLING)
1422
01:13:24,529 --> 01:13:25,703
(BANGING ON DOOR)
1423
01:13:31,201 --> 01:13:33,668
- What am I doing?
- Killing yourself, man.
1424
01:13:34,662 --> 01:13:37,295
Sylvester Stallone
would never kill himself.
1425
01:13:37,539 --> 01:13:40,124
He'd go back and fight the enemies
and save the day.
1426
01:13:41,959 --> 01:13:46,217
That's what I've gotta do.
I've got to go back and save the day.
1427
01:13:47,338 --> 01:13:50,386
More pacifically, I've gotta save Rosie.
1428
01:13:51,549 --> 01:13:54,313
- The love of me life.
- You are a good guy.
1429
01:13:55,385 --> 01:13:57,935
- I knew it!
- Thanks.
1430
01:13:58,554 --> 01:13:59,895
(THUDDING)
1431
01:14:00,931 --> 01:14:03,611
- What's wrong'? What's wrong, Archimedes'?
- (MOANING)
1432
01:14:03,683 --> 01:14:05,154
Are you having a eptileptic fit?
1433
01:14:05,643 --> 01:14:07,482
I'm gonna fucking kill you, Keith Lemon!
1434
01:14:07,561 --> 01:14:10,574
Is there a doctor on the roof'?
I need a doctor!
1435
01:14:13,232 --> 01:14:17,407
- Shit! It's Kelly Brook.
- There he is, the ginger twat!
1436
01:14:20,904 --> 01:14:23,372
I'm not a ginger twat.
I'm strawberry blond.
1437
01:14:23,448 --> 01:14:24,871
Well, you're still a twat!
1438
01:14:25,908 --> 01:14:27,200
(GROANING)
1439
01:14:28,118 --> 01:14:29,328
Cheese and rice!
1440
01:14:32,955 --> 01:14:34,675
(EXCLAIMING)
1441
01:14:39,168 --> 01:14:40,923
- (SPITTING)
- (KEITH SCREAMING)
1442
01:15:02,643 --> 01:15:04,529
- You've got wings.
- Hell, yeah!
1443
01:15:05,228 --> 01:15:06,569
I see it now.
1444
01:15:07,021 --> 01:15:09,322
All this time, you've been
like me gardening angel.
1445
01:15:09,523 --> 01:15:10,697
Guardian angel.
1446
01:15:11,566 --> 01:15:15,243
- Wow!
- Keith, I fixed you to fix me.
1447
01:15:16,278 --> 01:15:19,161
You helped me get my wings
by seeing the error of your ways.
1448
01:15:19,280 --> 01:15:21,783
And I helped you experience
a life that you thought you wanted.
1449
01:15:22,700 --> 01:15:26,163
But sometimes what you want
isn't always what you really need.
1450
01:15:28,204 --> 01:15:29,414
I know what I need.
1451
01:15:29,788 --> 01:15:33,963
Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's get our groove on, motherfucker.
1452
01:15:35,251 --> 01:15:37,302
(SCREAMING)
1453
01:15:39,420 --> 01:15:41,804
Put me down, you're gonna kill me!
1454
01:15:42,464 --> 01:15:43,852
Stop crying like a little pussy.
1455
01:15:44,382 --> 01:15:45,805
I think I've got
a brown onion in me pants.
1456
01:16:10,985 --> 01:16:13,488
There she is.
The United States of Leeds.
1457
01:16:16,281 --> 01:16:20,290
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
That's it. Your time's up.
1458
01:16:20,409 --> 01:16:23,256
And it looks like a no-show from Lemon.
1459
01:16:23,328 --> 01:16:25,546
He can't like you that much, can he, eh'?
1460
01:16:25,621 --> 01:16:30,341
Livin' la vida loca down at London,
with Kelly Brook.
1461
01:16:30,833 --> 01:16:32,386
- Do you know what I think'?
- No.
1462
01:16:32,459 --> 01:16:33,633
I think you're jealous of him.
1463
01:16:33,710 --> 01:16:35,549
I think you wish you were in London
with Kelly Brook,
1464
01:16:35,795 --> 01:16:38,760
not stuck here in this shithole
with your broken-nosed boyfriend.
1465
01:16:38,839 --> 01:16:42,895
You haven't even got a wide-screen telly.
But do you know what'? Keith has.
1466
01:16:43,426 --> 01:16:45,312
And his is much bigger than yours.
1467
01:16:45,511 --> 01:16:47,231
And I'm not just
talking about his telly.
1468
01:16:47,345 --> 01:16:49,148
(MUMBLING) She has a point, you know.
1469
01:16:49,263 --> 01:16:51,647
I thought you said
you liked my tiny cock.
1470
01:16:51,724 --> 01:16:52,815
(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)
1471
01:16:52,891 --> 01:16:55,939
You said it fit inside you
as snug as a bug in a rug.
1472
01:16:56,269 --> 01:16:59,530
You know, some...
Dennis, what's going on with your mouth'?
1473
01:16:59,604 --> 01:17:00,648
I don't know.
1474
01:17:00,730 --> 01:17:03,778
Sometimes I just don't know
where I stand with you, Dennis, I don't.
1475
01:17:03,857 --> 01:17:06,491
It's a hug and a slap,
and it's a hug and a slap.
1476
01:17:06,568 --> 01:17:08,074
You'll get a slap when Keith gets back.
1477
01:17:09,612 --> 01:17:10,999
That rhymes.
1478
01:17:11,071 --> 01:17:14,250
Lower her into the vat,
you wonky-mouth twat.
1479
01:17:14,324 --> 01:17:15,794
There's another rhyme for you there.
1480
01:17:22,580 --> 01:17:24,335
That's enough!
1481
01:17:24,915 --> 01:17:26,125
- (YELLING)
- Dougie!
1482
01:17:29,626 --> 01:17:30,967
(INHALES SHARPLY) That's gotta hurt.
1483
01:17:31,628 --> 01:17:34,391
Down there.
Evil Steve's warehouse venue thing.
1484
01:17:34,714 --> 01:17:35,971
Ready, man'?
1485
01:17:38,800 --> 01:17:39,891
I'm ready.
1486
01:17:39,967 --> 01:17:41,557
- Good luck.
- Shit!
1487
01:17:42,761 --> 01:17:44,600
- Peace, bruv.
- Shit!
1488
01:17:50,392 --> 01:17:51,649
- Keith?
- Rosie.
1489
01:17:51,726 --> 01:17:53,019
Where have you been'?
1490
01:17:55,687 --> 01:17:56,861
I don't know where I've been.
1491
01:17:57,605 --> 01:17:59,740
I was so far up me arse
chasing me dream,
1492
01:17:59,857 --> 01:18:01,743
I couldn't see for shit.
1493
01:18:01,817 --> 01:18:05,328
But I want you to know
all the stupid things that I did...
1494
01:18:06,445 --> 01:18:11,877
Abandoning you and having sex
through clothes with a famous floozy,
1495
01:18:12,658 --> 01:18:15,623
it doesn't actually reflect
on how I feel about you.
1496
01:18:16,202 --> 01:18:17,543
Are you gonna get me down now?
1497
01:18:18,037 --> 01:18:19,958
You're the second best thing
that's ever happened to me.
1498
01:18:20,539 --> 01:18:21,582
Second'? What's the first?
1499
01:18:22,582 --> 01:18:26,010
- Kelly Brook, obviously. I'm joking.
- Right, get me down so I can hit you.
1500
01:18:26,085 --> 01:18:27,721
But I'm not joking when I say...
1501
01:18:29,462 --> 01:18:31,134
I say that I love you.
1502
01:18:31,422 --> 01:18:34,767
And I love you more than I love myself.
1503
01:18:35,675 --> 01:18:37,596
And I love myself a lot.
1504
01:18:38,302 --> 01:18:41,315
But I love you even morerer..rer.
1505
01:18:41,805 --> 01:18:43,607
What I'm saying is, um...
1506
01:18:47,225 --> 01:18:48,613
Will you marry me'?
1507
01:18:50,436 --> 01:18:52,191
Why would I wanna marry an arrogant,
1508
01:18:52,312 --> 01:18:55,242
self-obsessed know-it-all
who actually don't know anything'?
1509
01:18:56,482 --> 01:18:57,609
(EXHALES)
1510
01:18:58,484 --> 01:19:01,164
Because you said that I make you smile.
1511
01:19:01,986 --> 01:19:03,706
Well, I'm not smiling now, am I'?
1512
01:19:04,655 --> 01:19:07,158
What, not even if I do my honk voice'?
1513
01:19:07,866 --> 01:19:11,578
(HONKING)
1514
01:19:13,912 --> 01:19:16,047
My boobs. (HONKING)
1515
01:19:18,665 --> 01:19:20,551
- (HONKING)
- (GIGGLES)
1516
01:19:21,375 --> 01:19:23,131
You're smiling. Is that a yes'?
1517
01:19:26,379 --> 01:19:27,553
(SOBBING) Yes.
1518
01:19:27,630 --> 01:19:29,018
Yarussky!
1519
01:19:30,215 --> 01:19:32,551
- Can you do me a favour'?
- Anything.
1520
01:19:33,218 --> 01:19:34,938
Get her down, you fucking idiot.
1521
01:19:35,886 --> 01:19:38,436
(LAUGHING) Come on, then.
1522
01:19:38,638 --> 01:19:39,979
(CHUCKLING)
1523
01:19:43,225 --> 01:19:44,778
Heaven, here I come.
1524
01:19:46,436 --> 01:19:48,855
- KEITH: Let's go sort this wedding out.
- (DOUGIE GROANING)
1525
01:19:48,937 --> 01:19:51,357
Douglas, I'm sorry
for calling you a wronghead.
1526
01:19:51,439 --> 01:19:52,732
- That's all right.
- Also,
1527
01:19:52,815 --> 01:19:55,449
I'm demoting you as the main man.
1528
01:19:55,526 --> 01:19:58,075
- Fair do's.
- You're now the best man.
1529
01:19:59,779 --> 01:20:02,412
- Yes! Thank you, Jesus!
- (ROSIE CHUCKLING)
1530
01:20:02,864 --> 01:20:04,834
Oh, Keith, I'll get
a speech off internet.
1531
01:20:04,908 --> 01:20:05,999
I'll be ever so... Oh!
1532
01:20:06,075 --> 01:20:07,581
Ow! Oh, Dougie.
1533
01:20:08,619 --> 01:20:11,466
Later on, we'll be talking about
the devastating effects
1534
01:20:11,537 --> 01:20:14,040
of the Lemon Phone,
the Keith Lemon Phone.
1535
01:20:14,123 --> 01:20:18,463
So if you or anyone else you know
has been affected by its effects,
1536
01:20:18,543 --> 01:20:21,804
then we'll be talking about the effects
if it has affected you.
1537
01:20:22,295 --> 01:20:25,842
But first, just a few weeks ago,
we met a lady with two vaginae.
1538
01:20:25,923 --> 01:20:27,643
Today, as pan' of our sex week,
1539
01:20:27,716 --> 01:20:30,219
we meet a man
with a penis and one vagina.
1540
01:20:30,385 --> 01:20:32,224
Weird Paul, thank you
very much indeed for coming in.
1541
01:20:35,972 --> 01:20:37,229
KEITH: And as the credits roll,
1542
01:20:37,306 --> 01:20:40,520
thus ends me
2D cinematic moralistic journey.
1543
01:20:40,601 --> 01:20:42,321
I'd like to tell you that
I turned the Securipoles
1544
01:20:42,435 --> 01:20:45,199
into water pumps for the thirsty kids
of the Fourth World.
1545
01:20:45,271 --> 01:20:49,232
Or that I found me real dad
and he taught me the genuine meaning
1546
01:20:49,315 --> 01:20:51,616
of rasclaats and bumbasquat and ting.
1547
01:20:51,901 --> 01:20:54,830
Or even that I
continued to dry-hump Kelly Brook
1548
01:20:54,903 --> 01:20:58,248
until I broke her tuppence
into a thousand pieces.
1549
01:20:58,864 --> 01:20:59,991
But the simple truth is,
1550
01:21:00,240 --> 01:21:02,576
well, I settled down with Rosie
and we had three kids.
1551
01:21:02,950 --> 01:21:06,046
Eminem, Britney and One Direction.
1552
01:21:06,703 --> 01:21:10,131
Archimedes could well have been
a pigmentation of me imagination.
1553
01:21:10,206 --> 01:21:11,249
But you know what?
1554
01:21:11,332 --> 01:21:13,632
His scripted dialogue
learned me an important lesson.
1555
01:21:14,042 --> 01:21:15,928
The grass may be greener
on the other side,
1556
01:21:16,252 --> 01:21:19,181
but I'm happy with me crazy paving.
1557
01:21:19,254 --> 01:21:21,887
And in answer to the question
that people always ask me,
1558
01:21:22,048 --> 01:21:25,890
yes, that is the size of me real penis.
1559
01:21:26,259 --> 01:21:28,643
As thick as a Coke can.
1560
01:21:28,719 --> 01:21:31,732
If I don't see you through t'week,
I'll see you through t'window.
1561
01:21:31,805 --> 01:21:33,015
(LAUGHING)
1562
01:21:34,432 --> 01:21:35,689
Hey, I'll tell you what,
let's have some bloopers
1563
01:21:35,766 --> 01:21:36,858
like in Cannonball Run.
1564
01:21:36,934 --> 01:21:40,527
I thought that was fucking ace
when they did that in that film.
1565
01:21:42,563 --> 01:21:45,326
I'm strawberry blond.
I'm strawberry blond, aren't I'?
1566
01:21:47,191 --> 01:21:48,994
(CHUCKLING) Leigh, stop fucking laughing.
1567
01:21:49,068 --> 01:21:50,111
Sorry...
1568
01:21:50,193 --> 01:21:52,696
- Sorry. Yeah, I know.
- This is it now.
1569
01:21:53,237 --> 01:21:56,583
MAN: There's something on Paddy's chin
just there, a little bit shiny.
1570
01:21:56,865 --> 01:21:58,253
WOMAN: I think it's my lipstick.
1571
01:21:58,324 --> 01:21:59,712
- MAN: All right.
- Oh, dear.
1572
01:21:59,784 --> 01:22:01,171
Wonder how it got there'? (LAUGHING)
1573
01:22:01,243 --> 01:22:02,454
That's a little bit awkward.
1574
01:22:02,536 --> 01:22:03,663
WOMAN: Really?
MAN: Stand by.
1575
01:22:03,829 --> 01:22:08,169
And the cavalier attitude,
I was sound as a sound.
1576
01:22:08,665 --> 01:22:10,504
Sound as a sound.
1577
01:22:11,584 --> 01:22:12,841
(LAUGHING)
1578
01:22:13,002 --> 01:22:14,343
Sound as a pound.
1579
01:22:14,837 --> 01:22:17,221
What the fuck
is this piece of shit, bruv?
1580
01:22:18,548 --> 01:22:20,268
Well, that were me phone
and it looks like you broke it.
1581
01:22:20,341 --> 01:22:23,223
And that were Billy Ocean
and I think it were sang very well.
1582
01:22:25,052 --> 01:22:27,520
LEIGH FRANCIS:
♪ And do the things that lovers do
1583
01:22:27,596 --> 01:22:29,601
♪ 'Cause when the going gets tough
1584
01:22:29,889 --> 01:22:31,312
♪ The tough get going
1585
01:22:31,390 --> 01:22:33,525
FRANCIS: ♪ When the going gets rough ♪
1586
01:22:33,600 --> 01:22:35,735
(BOTH CONTINUE HUMMING)
1587
01:22:36,227 --> 01:22:37,401
(LAUGHING)
1588
01:22:40,981 --> 01:22:43,151
Oh, fuck, I can't undo it. (LAUGHING)
1589
01:22:44,817 --> 01:22:46,158
How sexy is that'?
1590
01:22:47,402 --> 01:22:49,074
MAN: Look up! Debris.
1591
01:22:55,241 --> 01:22:58,005
That's the second time
you've fucked it in the arse.
1592
01:23:00,120 --> 01:23:01,959
What do you want'?
1593
01:23:03,206 --> 01:23:04,498
VERNE TROYER: Fuck.
1594
01:23:04,915 --> 01:23:06,303
- You wanna fuck'?
- TROYER: No.
1595
01:23:06,375 --> 01:23:08,379
What's the line'?
1596
01:23:08,501 --> 01:23:09,675
(CHUCKLING)
1597
01:23:10,044 --> 01:23:11,764
Rewind selector!
1598
01:23:19,051 --> 01:23:21,138
- That was the cue.
- (LAUGHING)
1599
01:23:21,969 --> 01:23:23,440
That means press...
1600
01:23:23,846 --> 01:23:26,064
That's street talk for
"press the button."
1601
01:23:26,139 --> 01:23:27,183
(ALL LAUGHING)
1602
01:23:27,807 --> 01:23:30,191
- Simon Pegg?
- No, Ronan Keating.
1603
01:23:30,476 --> 01:23:33,690
- Oh, right, yeah, from Take That.
- No, that's Gary Barlow.
1604
01:23:34,437 --> 01:23:35,824
No, Simon Pegg.
1605
01:23:35,896 --> 01:23:37,450
Though I was thinking, "Gary Barlow."
1606
01:23:37,564 --> 01:23:38,775
- You fucked that up.
- No, you did.
1607
01:23:38,857 --> 01:23:40,031
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1608
01:23:40,900 --> 01:23:42,110
(KEITH LAUGHING)
1609
01:23:42,318 --> 01:23:45,117
KEITH: Oh, that was funny.
I fucking love bloopers!
1610
01:23:45,737 --> 01:23:47,030
Ah, dearie me, me!
1611
01:23:47,947 --> 01:23:49,667
♪ I like to see girls walkin' around
1612
01:23:49,740 --> 01:23:51,542
♪ When they are out and shoppin' in town
1613
01:23:51,616 --> 01:23:53,336
♪ They drive me wild, so
I can't help but smile
1614
01:23:53,409 --> 01:23:55,378
♪ And, if I'm lucky, one
may stop for a while
1615
01:23:55,452 --> 01:23:57,208
♪ I'll ask her name, real sweet, polite
1616
01:23:57,287 --> 01:23:59,089
♪ And all the good girls always reply
1617
01:23:59,164 --> 01:24:01,133
♪ While some of them hold their
head up high and answer...
1618
01:24:01,207 --> 01:24:03,377
- GIRL: I don't think so, love!
- ♪ And walk on by, I like girls
1619
01:24:03,458 --> 01:24:04,716
♪ You like the good, I like the bad ones
1620
01:24:04,793 --> 01:24:06,429
♪ Freaky and the mad ones,
sexy and the glad ones
1621
01:24:06,502 --> 01:24:08,423
♪ I like girls
♪ Taste of any kind of flavour
1622
01:24:08,504 --> 01:24:11,054
♪ Chocolate, vanilla, caramel's
what I favour ♪ I like girls
1623
01:24:11,131 --> 01:24:14,511
♪ Then I need a very wide selection - big
girls, skinny girls, close-to-perfection girls
1624
01:24:14,592 --> 01:24:16,312
♪ When they make me smile and giggle
1625
01:24:16,385 --> 01:24:17,772
♪ And that's it plain and simple
1626
01:24:17,844 --> 01:24:19,979
♪ I like it when they move their body
and they shake their body
1627
01:24:20,763 --> 01:24:22,399
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1628
01:24:22,472 --> 01:24:23,683
♪ And they shake their body
1629
01:24:24,432 --> 01:24:26,104
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1630
01:24:26,183 --> 01:24:27,441
♪ And they shake their body
1631
01:24:28,268 --> 01:24:29,885
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1632
01:24:29,936 --> 01:24:31,407
♪ And they shake their body
1633
01:24:31,479 --> 01:24:32,820
♪ And that's it plain and simple
1634
01:24:32,897 --> 01:24:34,736
♪ You know I like 'em, all kinds of girls
1635
01:24:34,815 --> 01:24:36,701
♪ I'm gonna try 'em from all over the world
1636
01:24:36,775 --> 01:24:38,245
♪ I like them girls that don't give a damn
1637
01:24:38,317 --> 01:24:40,653
♪ Like Alicia, Natasha, Angela and Pam
1638
01:24:40,736 --> 01:24:42,242
♪ I'll take 'em like one by one
1639
01:24:42,320 --> 01:24:44,242
♪ By the end they're dusted, done and done
1640
01:24:44,322 --> 01:24:46,326
♪ She'd like to talk,
I just wanna know your name
1641
01:24:46,407 --> 01:24:48,577
♪ And you can come and play my game
♪ I like it when they move their body
1642
01:24:48,658 --> 01:24:49,915
♪ And they shake their body
1643
01:24:50,743 --> 01:24:52,380
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1644
01:24:52,453 --> 01:24:53,710
♪ And they shake their body
1645
01:24:54,496 --> 01:24:56,133
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1646
01:24:56,206 --> 01:24:57,249
♪ And they shake their body
1647
01:24:58,249 --> 01:24:59,921
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1648
01:25:00,000 --> 01:25:01,174
♪ And they shake their body... ♪
129830
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