Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old -fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man who all the things we make up. Laugh and

cry. He's a family guy.

Hello, tech support?

Yes, my time machine is giving me error code 17.

No, I did not make love to a bear on it. Shh! But if some bear did have his

world rocked on this thing, would that void the warranty?

Oh boy, time machine trouble? You know, there's one time machine that never

breaks and is always ready to take you anywhere, anytime.

A good book. Sorry, my dog is very cringe.

I'm Brian Griffin, and tonight we'll take my time machine to three periods in

history. I don't know, I think he's doing like court -ordered community

Let's start with the story of the French Revolution.

The year was 1789.

King Louis XVI and his wife, Marie Antoinette, were throwing Moulin Rouge

parties, many of which devolved into orgies, covering the walls with yicky

-yicky -ya -ya -ja -ja. More songs per minute, louder songs!

Everyone must get a Boss Lerman headache!

Yes, Your Majesty.

God, I love French dancing. If there's anything hotter than women standing in a

line and kicking their legs up really high, I haven't seen it. Bad news, King

Louie. France is in massive debt.

What? Well, just the music clearances on these Baz Luhrmann sequences alone are

bankrupting the monarchy.

Oh, dear.

But our hard -working French laborers are already working up to four hours per

week with only winter and summer off.

Can nothing be done?

I think we should levy a tax on the peasantry. No.

No taxes.

We could always cancel your Vootube premium account, and you can just launch

regular Vootube with the ads. Let's do the taxes.

Man, things sure are getting bad here in France.

You said it.

I even got laid off from my job pitchforking loose hay here and moving

there. The whole French economy is based on slightly moving loose hay.

Bad news, guys. I'm here to collect some taxes.

What? The king is levying a land tax and a head tax.

A head tax?

But that could be thousands.

Also, now there's a salt tax.

But the head tax ends in something for which there'd be a salt tax.

I say, Robespierre, there's a lot of unrest brewing here in France.

You're right, Danton. We should take advantage and foment a revolution.

For the people. Oh, yeah, no, for the people. And definitely not for our own

personal advancement, to where we go nuts with power and chop off everybody's

heads and eventually even each other's. Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah, for the

people. Remember that for later, for it is foreshadowing.

I'm Chris Griffin, and I don't only do masturbation stuff.

Citizens of France, we need a revolution.

That's right. King Louis has destroyed the French economy.

Also, it'll be another couple hundred years before the Arab immigrants show

but let's start getting angry about that now.

These guys are making a lot of sense.

We do need a revolution.

Yeah, I can't wait for the new symbol of France to be a woman with her boob

hanging out. I call dibs on waving a flag on a barricade. I'm kind of a

barricade guy.

The time has come to join our revolutionary club, the Jacobins. Can I

Jacobin club? Because I'm just constantly Jacobin. I mean, at least

times a day, you'll find me Jacobin. I'm Chris Griffin, and I still do some

masturbation stuff.

More bad news, Your Majesty.

Paris suffers a bread shortage.

Oh, no.

What should we do, Swedish baker?

Let them eat cock.

That's perfect because France currently has a dangerous surplus of cake. Marie

Antoinette, if you could tell everyone to get busy eating cake, that would

famously help things.

It won't just piss people off.

Nah, they'll love it.

Down with the king.

And down with Marie Antoinette. She's not French. She's from Austria.

Austria is our rival.

Who are you people?

We're a mob of unemployed losers scapegoating a lady.

That's when good things happen. To be fair, we're mad at all the French

except that one super cool pointing guy.

So rad.

We, the citizens of France, hereby place the king and queen under arrest.

Let's put them in prison. Yeah. And I'm taking this magic beauty and the beast

clock that comes to life and sings.

It's just a regular clock.

Aw. Regular candlestick. Aw.

Welcome, citizens, to the new revolutionary regime.

That's right. There's going to be some changes in France.

From now on, every time we say hello to each other, we will get two little

kisses on the cheek. Little kisses for everyone.

All right. Should we show them, Robespierre? I think they get it. You

pretty clear. We stand for freedom and equality.

And we can announce this now. It is official. There will be a season six of

Emily in Paris.

So give yourselves a big hand for that. You did this, every one of you.

Anyway, freedom and equality and civil rights for every man.

How about rights for women?

No, just dudes.

We hereby sentence the king and queen to death.

Any final words?

Yeah, not the cake thing again. Then no. Please destroy the oil paintings under

my mattress.

And now for Marie Antoinette.

What? What happened?

Oh, boy.

Marie Antoinette's novelty fake neck was provided by Jacques' Joke Shop of South

Attleboro, France.

Gotcha, guys.

Good one, Marie. Remember, if it ain't ho -ho -ho, it ain't worth Jacques.

Okay, brutally kill her now.

Yeah,

that was fun.

But before you all go, we have a few surprise bonus executions today.

The King's Gendarmes.

That lady who yelled that thing at the meeting.

J .K. Rowling, because you know why.

This dude Josh, who's the first guy to post a photo of a beach and write, my

office for the day.

Oh, and Danton.

What? Oh, you bitch. I was going to do this to you.

This is awesome. And the best thing is that it'll for sure never happen to me.

I know I wanted to be head of state, but this is... Oh, my brain's stopping.

I can't believe we did the whole French Revolution and not even a single song

from Les Mis. Les Mis is set during the rebellion of 1832, not the French

Revolution of 1789.

Oh, that's stupid.

Damn it, Meg. I told you to stop taking my jog bras.

I haven't. Well, they're missing, and there's no other explanation.

Look, you both need to stop counting your bras. It's not important where they

went. Sometimes families have conflicts. But did you know that at one point in U

.S. history, family members actually went to war with each other? What? What

this? It's community service. He got arrested for something.

What'd you do, Brian?

Let's take our next historical journey.

I heard he got caught stealing mobile orders at Starbucks.

Does he look like his name is Rashid? Our historical journey to the year 1861.

They're going to remember what Rashid looks like, Brian.

It was 1861.

when America was inaugurating a new president.

I, President Abraham Lincoln, vow that I will have an open mind.

The back of my mind, in particular, will be very open and exposed.

That's also foreshadowing. Brian said I could keep helping out. I'm grateful

that you elected me. And right away, I want to apologize for my mentally ill

wife. What the hell?

My nickname will be Honest About Everything Except That One Thing Abe.

Nine and a Half Inch Abe. You can call me either one. Yeah, right. She's loony,

guys. Absolutely deranged. Anyway, I predict that America's got good times

ahead, so long as our map doesn't have a bunch of arrows and explosions.

But America did have a bunch of arrows and explosions and narrations by voices

like this. Also, slow fiddle music, which I have to play myself because we

our whole music budget on the Moulin Rouge stuff.

I did this on America's Got Talent, and Howie Mandel made wisecracks at my

expense. Anyway, war had come, and 600 ,000 brave mustaches would be lost

as Brother marched off to fight Brother.

Hey, so the uniforms came in the mail, and they sent one of each.

Weird. Yeah, the gray ones are from Louis Vuitton, and the blue ones are

Maxx, so...

That's fine. I'll be Union.

Cool. I like the gray because it matches all the dead guys everywhere.

Wish me luck. I'm off to fight the Battle of Bull Run.

So that sucked.

Ah, well, the good news is I'm staying at Bull Run, and there's no way there'll

be a whole second battle there.

You're not gonna freaking believe it.

The arrows and explosions are getting closer to DC.

We're not going to be able to save the Union.

Maybe instead of fighting to save the Union, we should be fighting to end the

evils of slavery and ensure freedom for all Americans.

All right, I'm putting you in a home. This is why I sleep with guys.

I, too, believe the aim of the war should be to free the slaves and make

Americans equal.

Thank you, Frederick Douglass. You're right. Black men should be free.

That's what I'm talking about.

And sent up to the front line as soldiers.

Say what now? Don't worry. You're in good hands with General Ulysses S.

America's most strategically gifted alcoholic.

The South keeps looking at me.

I swear to God, if the South looks at me one more time, I'm going down there.

No, no, no, be cool, man. You think you're better than me, South? Be cool,

cool. We got to concentrate on our most important objective, protecting

Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

Isn't Gettysburg just fields and fence posts?

Gettysburg is a cultural and economic metropolis.

Sacrifice every last man, if necessary, to protect Gettysburg, PA.

But Sue was right.

Gettysburg sucks.

If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere.

Gettysburg. Everyone must die to save it. There's literally like eight people

the whole town. We're not going to argue this further. I'm late for my cuddle

nap with Joshua Speed, who everyone should go ahead and Google.

This is fine. It's fine. I just can't afford my own mattresses all.

Mattresses cost like a billion dollars because it's olden times.

This conflict keeps dragging on, am I right? I tell you, you put the Civil War

on ABC, it'll be canceled in 13 weeks.

Now, that Confederate recruit we saw earlier, he went on to be a stage actor,

based in D .C., so clearly his career sucked.

But then he booked a Gettysburg Cemetery gig.

Finally, the big break for John Wilkes Booth.

Civil War saves 70 slaves. Civil War saves 70 slaves.

Civil War... Excuse me, Mr. Booth? Aye, yes, that is how I'm listed in the

program, but I was hoping to use my full name, John Wilkes Booth Romaine Stamos.

Yeah, well, sorry, but we're bumping you.

What? Why?

President Lincoln just showed up. He wants to workshop some new material.

Okay, so, four score and seven years ago.

Wait, wait, what's that mean? A score is 20 years. So just say 87 years ago.

I like it this way. You're going to lose everybody from the first line. They're

all doing math in their heads.

It's fine. It's not fine. You're here to boost morale. This is like the

opposite. You're giving them algebra homework.

Here, try this.

Sorry I got here late. I couldn't find the Gettysburg address.

Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, come on, it's perfect.

Open with a huge joke. Boom, now you got him. Hey.

Hey, bub, you can't just go bumping people.

I don't know what you're talking about. Forget him. He's just some butthurt

actor. Look, whatever this is about, I'm sorry.

I respect actors.

How about you give me a head shot?

Foreshadowing. Now, let's have a big hand for Abe Lincoln.

Thanks, bub. Now, I understand Mary Todd's here today, because we all know

Lincoln doesn't go anywhere without his beard.

Oh, Bob.

Finally, in 1865, the southern capital of Richmond fell.

War's over, Grant. You gotta go to Appomattox and meet the southern leader.

know the guy? General Lee? All right, do some research on him first. Oh, I know

the guy backwards and forwards.

General Lee. Right, but I need you to know him specifically.

I do know him specifically.

General Lee. Look, you know the guy? Yep. You know him generally? Yep. You

know him more than generally.

Know who more than generally? The southern leader. The guy you know

That's right. I do know him very well. General Lee.

That's the problem. What's the problem? You say you know him generally.

I do. I need you to be an expert on the guy. I am an expert on him. But you

just... I'm friends with the guy. We fought in the Mexican war together. I

studied his every move. There is no one on the planet who knows him better than

I do. Okay, just to be sure, you are an expert on the southern leader.

Completely, totally, absolutely, generally.

In our nation, it was a difficult time politically, but a simpler time

comedically. The fighting was done, and no more would Americans wage civil war

until 2028, probably.

But this story ends on a theater balcony with Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln.

Hey, how about you just go by Mary Lincoln, huh? But Todd is my family

I keep it to honor my heritage.

Demented. Somebody call a man with a big net. That's the latest in mental health

technology.

Lincoln was dead, and Booth would shout the motto that has become etched in

history. Did I do that?

Lincoln's assassination was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Did you guys notice that the final Dilbert is just Dilbert checking

genitals outside the ladies' restroom?

Office stuff.

Ah, Peter's enjoying a joke. Well, here's a joke for you. Six million Jews,

gypsies, communists, and intellectuals are loaded onto a train car.

Only this joke actually happened.

How is that a joke?

He's doing his community service. He attacked one of them grocery robots or

something. The year is 1939, and war has come to Europe.

Well, the arrows and explosions are back.

Also, I'm back. On account of I've been getting a lot better on the fiddle since

the last time.

Not bad, right?

You'd be surprised how much fiddle you can learn on YouTube.

Hey! Play Mumford and Son!

I'm not playing that.

Pretty soon, the Brits were forced to seek cover in their subway system.

What they called the tube, eating french fries.

Of course, they called them chips.

Truck is a lorry.

Let's see. What else?

Weird little country.

Hello, Franklin?

President Roosevelt, can you hear me? Churchill, this thing's in England.

Good? No, it's awful. We're getting bombed by the Nazis over here. They're

blitzkrieging through Europe. They took Paris.

Oh, no, not Paris.

Please tell me the pointing guy is okay.

I love that guy.

Yeah, can you help us out, Franklin?

You got me at a bad time, Churchill.

It's me and Eleanor's date night.

Eleanor, where are you going?

Me and the girls are going to go play lacrosse and just jab our thumbs

Eleanor sure loves hanging out with her lady pals.

FDR may not help us, and I heard Russia is signing a pact with Hitler. So as my

top general, I need you to go to Moscow, find their leader, and figure out how

to prevent this. Don't worry, sir, I will. And I'll stop Stalin.

Great. I'm glad you're not delaying your departure, but do you have a plan for

when you get there?

Absolutely, sir. And what is it? To stop Stalin.

How is that a plan?

I thought you wanted me to stop Stalin. Of course I want you to stop Stalin.

This is a grave and important matter. So then we do agree on the plan. Which is?

To stop Stalin. But I...

Comedically, World War II was also a simpler time.

Turns out, America's efforts to stay out of the fracas came to naught once the

Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.

December 7th, 1941, a date that I probably knew was coming but allowed to

happen. I mean a date which will live in infamy.

The United States... What?

What's going on? It's your wife and her friends. They're arguing over power tool

brands again.

DeWalt! RYOBI!

Girls and their construction equipment, huh?

Eleanor, could you ladies please keep it down while I'm doing radio to America?

This is fine.

It's fine.

Lots of first ladies have their gal pals move into the White House with them,

which I did for real.

Super normal.

RYOBI.

Gentlemen, we're here to plan an amphibious assault on Normandy.

Stay on target.

Almost there.

Stay on target.

Private Ryan, you've switched off your targeting computer. What's wrong?

Use the force, Matt Damon.

Cut it out, guys. This is important.

Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, first question.

Yeah? Is there toilets inside of tanks?

I mean, there has to be, right? They're not going to stop the war just to let a

guy take a crap.

I think they just go right in the barrel, and then the next shot is like a

shot. Can we please focus?

We're focusing. We are laser focused on planning for today.

I think we're calling it D -Day.

Oh, okay. See? I'm already learning stuff.

The enemy has landed at Omaha Beach and is heading east.

The Allies are planning an Italian trip and will be shooting tons and tons.

And now, the Greeks die, the Soviets die, and the Germans die.

Oh, no!

It's okay.

As soon as Marine Captain Georg von Trapp from the mainland of Austria

to the service, everything will be fine.

My lord, von Trapp...

Oberst von Trapp und seine Familie konnten in die Schweiz fliehen, weil ein

Nonnen einen Jeep beschädigt hatten.

Mit allen, die glauben, dass wir auch ohne die Familie von Trapp eine

Talentshow des Dritten Reichs veranstalten können, musste ich privat

Mein Führer, wir haben noch die Drittpreisträgerin Fräulein Schweiger.

Dame, die sich immer wieder verbucht.

Es war ein komischer Moment, mein Führer.

Es war ein bisschen.

Sicher, es ist amüsant, aber darauf kann man keine ganze Show aufbauen. Es wird

langweilig. Es ist schön langweilig geworden.

Sehen Sie, wie genervt Max am Ende war.

Ich verstehe diese Referente nicht.

Oh, schau dir vielleicht weniger TikTok und mehr Sound of Music an, du Idiot.

FDR beat the Germans, but he wouldn't live to see victory in the Pacific.

For that, the torch was passed to Harry Truman.

Listen, Harry, Hiroshito wants to surrender. It's time to go make peace

Japan. Got it. Go to Japan and nuke Hiroshima.

No, no, no, no. They're ready to surrender.

You need to make peace with Japan.

Okay. Good. Now repeat it back to me. Okay, I nuke the city of Hiroshima in

Japan. No, Japan wants to surrender.

Make peace with Japan.

Right, and nuke Hiroshima.

No, no, no, no.

And et cetera.

Due to wartime rationing, we've had to keep reusing our Pat Tillman bit from

2007. Thanks for doing your part to make sure all the fresh new jokes are safe

for our troops overseas.

Eventually, Japan did surrender.

Don't worry too much about why.

The war was over.

At last, America can celebrate with lots of non -consensual kissing.

Don't worry, your husband will never find out.

Lunch with the girls, huh?

Susan, probably!

Also,

you might receive an email from the Quahog County Courthouse confirming that

provided volunteer educational services.

If you could just go ahead and click the link and fill out the short web form,

I'd really appreciate it.

So it turns out you can legally buy Jenna Ortega as many new bed sheets as

want. You just can't deliver them in person.

So we all learned something this week.

Sleep tight, Jenna.