Original subtitles

Oh, snaaaaaaaaap!

Did Candice Singleton just enter the car?

Mom, stop. Ugh.

How was your day? Did you get educated AF?

Ugh...

Daaaamn.

Looks like somebody stans baby carrots.

How's your squad? Are they keeping it 100?

Ooh, bedtime on fleek,

who wants to get turnt with "Curious George"?

Ma'am, step away from the door.

What are you doing, Randy?

I'm protecting the asset, ma'am.

Well, I'm the asset's mother, so...

Do not test me, Emily!

I swear to God, I will axe kick you

through that wall.

It'll be all like -- ahh!

Ow! Ooh!

The Vikings believed this pendant granted wishes.

Cooool. Cooool.

Emily, you have, uh, something to sigh?

Candice has been giving me the silent treatment all week.

She won't talk to me, she won't tell me

what's going on at school.

She's just going through a phase.

Emily, don't worry.

All kids push their parents away when they're about to move out.

She's five.

Come on, let's get blackout drunk, go on Amazon,

and see what shows up tomorrow.

I call it "Wine and Prime."

I just wish I was closer to Candice.

Ah!

Aah!

The pendant!

Come on, Candice, let's get you to the bus!

Candice! You can't be in my room.

Adult single man, little kid. I-I-I-It's not a good look.

No, it's me, Emily!

Nice try.

Your mom and I might not be that close,

but I know that she's the big one and you're the little one.

No! Wait!

I can prove it.

Last year I walked in on you

using my hand mirror to see your own butthole!

Emily?

You were on your mattress

with your legs over your head --

Okay, okay. Stop talking about it.

What happened to you?!

I said I wished I was closer to Candice,

and your stupid Viking thingy shrunk me.

Ha! It made you closer to Candice in size?

Hilarious.

How do I change back?

I don't know!

It's not my fault you weren't more specific.

Just figure it out!

You should've said something like,

"I wish I was emotionally close to my offspring."

Oh, shit.

Hey.

Maybe I actually could get closer to Candice.

Hey, Candi-- I mean,

cand I sit here?

That's what I meant. I just want to put my tiny body on the seat

next to a fellow child.

Uh, sure. Thanks.

I was afraid I'd have to sit in the back with the weird kids.

Oookay.

My name's Candice. What's yours?

It's Em-- uhhh...

Emma? Yes!

Yes, Emma.

A normal name for a normal girl.

Want to tell each other secrets?

Uh, I don't know.

I'll go first. I secretly love my mom.

She gives me baby carrots and I appreciate everything about her.

Your turn.

I've got to go sit over there now.

Sorry.

Offspring? Why did I say offspring?

Calm down.

You don't have any offspring.

Ah! The pendant can't make you have kids.

Can it?

Going alllll the way back to 1999.

It's The Offspring with "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)"!

Ugh, '90s rock. Ugh.

What the...? No!

What are you doing?

Stop it!

I'm emotionally close to The Offspring!

Uh, hello, Mr. Campbell.

I'm --

Great, another new student.

Why don't you introduce yourself while I make you

a chair out of Amazon boxes?

Hi! My name is Emma.

I'm five. Obviously.

And I like things five-year-olds like.

I hate vaping. And I love my mom.

Who doesn't love moms?

You can talk to them all day long.

This kid is obsessed with moms!

You're losing them, Emily.

Huh? Huuuh?

Hey, Cameron, this weird kid is stealing your bit.

Hey, weird kid, stop stealing my bit!

Kids: Booooooooo!

Are there any tickets left?!

Hold on, let me check.

Yeah.

Oh. Okay, give me a hundred! Wait!

Quatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

Okay. Agh!

I just need one to get in, is that right?

One. Okay, I'll take one.

No, two so I can hang one on my wall and keep one in my wallet.

Ooh, yeah.

Wow, you must, like, really love The Offspring.

Just give me the tickets!

Damn it!

Oh, no.

Too scared to throw rocks at a beehive?

Jade Cartwright, you stop it right now!

What do you want, weird kid?

Talk about scared? At the last PTA meeting,

your mother told me you sleep with a night light.

And your dad's not on a business trip.

He moved in with his Pilates instructor.

Are you okay?

You made Jade cry.

Wanna be my friend?

And over there is David Lin.

He's a third-grader. We'll get married someday.

And that's my friend Maddie.

Jade used to be my friend.

Last week, she told me that when a mommy and a daddy

love each other very much, they touch butts together,

and then a baby falls out of their butts.

You know that's not how it works.

Ugh! You sound like my mom.

I told her, and she told Jade's mom, and Jade got in trouble,

which made her mad at me,

so I decided to stop telling my mom stuff.

Uh... That's the reason?

Reason for what?

Nothing. Nothing.

BT-dubs are you gonna eat your baby carrots?

'Cause I stan baby carrots.

Wait, my mom says, "Stan baby carrots."

Wait. That's my mom's sweater!

Are you...

my mom?!

I'm sorry.

What is going on?!

Don't freak out! I-I accidentally wished

on Alex's weird Viking thingy

and now we're getting so close

and I just -- I really love being your friend.

You were spying on me?!

I'm gonna go make up with Jade

by throwing rocks at that beehive!

Wait, please --

And I'm never talking to you again!

Oh, cool. I stan baby carrots, too.

You don't have to do this!

Shut up, weird kid!

Go ahead, Candice.

I'll forgive you if you throw a rock at that beehive.

Okay, first of all, that makes no sense.

And, Candice, bees are already dying at an alarming rate.

You're not my mom.

Kids: Ooooooooh!

Yes, I am.

Oooooooh!

Wait, what?

♪ But in his own mind, he's the ♪

♪ He's the dopest trip ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

Ah! Don't give it to me.

Why do I know all the lyrics?!

There's only one way out!

♪ Uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco, cinco -- ♪

I can't believe you got us into this!

What -- What are you doing?

I'm being your mother.

♪ A player straight ♪

♪ You know he really doesn't -- ♪

Sorry, Noodles.

How do I know his name?

What? What?

You guys don't understand.

There's only one way to break this curse.

Huh?

You saved me.

That's what moms do.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I just... I wanted us to be...

close.

Oh.

What?

Kids: Whooooa!

I'm me!

Candice, I'll never betray your confidence again.

I promise, you can tell me anything.

Okay.

I can see your butt.

Oh God! I'll see you at home!

Whooaaa.

So, she really was her mom.

Kids: Oooooh!

Hey! You're back to normal? How'd you do that?

I guess I learned my lesson

and, poof, the curse was broken.

Cool, cool. So, uh,

that's why smashing the pendant didn't work.

Oh, well!

♪ ...own mind, he's the, he's the dopest trip ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪