All language subtitles for Conan.OBrien.Must.Go.S01E04.1080p.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab

Earth, a cradle for
unimaginable beauty

and staggering wonder.

Incomprehensible,
overwhelming,

this planet mocks our
feeble power to describe it.

Yes, to truly appreciate
the astounding grandeur

of this planet, sometimes
you must defile it.

Behold the defiler.

His character is vile,
base, and depraved.

Once a proud talk show host,

he has been driven by
a changing ecosystem

to a drier and
harsher climate,

the weekly podcast.

Here, without the nourishment
of his studio audience,

this clown with
dull, tiny eyes,

the eyes of a
crudely painted doll

is forced to feed on that
meagerest of morsels,

the random call-in fan.

Unhinged by the feral scent
of their mild enthusiasm,

he scavenges in distant lands,

uninvited,

fueled by a bottomless
hunger for recognition

and the occasional selfie.

This is madness.

This is lunacy.

This is chaos.

This is his ancestral
hallowed ground.

Here's a picture of me
when I was ten years old,

the same year my
parents sat me down

and told me the unthinkable.

I was Irish.

Since then, I've heard
a lot about my ancestors

leaving Ireland for America
in the 19th century,

including our family patriarch,

Thomas Noonan O'Brien,

who headed to Central
Massachusetts to purchase

a big fake mustache.

But while I knew his name,
I didn't know much about

the life he left
behind in Ireland.

And then I realized, wait,
I have a travel show.

I can go find my roots,
road trip around Ireland,

call it content,

and send the bill to a
hapless streaming service.

And as soon as I landed,

I knew immediately that
I was with my people.

Welcome home.

There's no way the horse
makes it into the show.

Oh, this'll be in, all right.

Never.

I set off to explore Ireland

and received the
same hero's welcome

as other famous Irish sons.

Hey, if you're driving
through Ireland,

you have to stop in
County Tipperary.

Why you ask?

To pay homage to the Barack
Obama Plaza highway rest stop.

Beautiful likenesses of
the presidential couple.

They're waving at
drivers on the M7.

This is Pat McDonagh.

And this was your concept?

That's right.

This is because Barack
Obama has an eighth cousin

who lives in the area.

That's correct, yeah.

I bet you have a whole string
of presidential plazas.

Yeah. And we're--

I was at your Lyndon
Johnson flapjack house

half an hour ago.

Because I'm a son of
Ireland, you've arranged

a little honor for me as well.

This is fantastic!

And this is amazing.

Look, there's already
a crowd gathering here.

Yeah, absolutely.

People are-- kids are excited.

Do you think you'll be using
the Conan O'Brien air pump?

- Absolutely.
- Of course.

The best air in Ireland.

We dedicated this
five minutes ago,

and water is already shooting
out of the water pump

at the Conan O'Brien air pump.

Not my problem.

I only handle air.

OK, Pat, I have a
great surprise for you.

One, two, three, go!

- Wow.
- Yes!

It's an exact likeness of me if
I were in a terrible accident.

Hey...

So let's slide it in, guys.

I'm high-fiving Obama.

Look at that!

Very good, very
good, very good.

Right?

Barack Obama just had
air put in his tire

at the Conan O'Brien air pump.

That's what's being
commemorated here.

Oh.

Next, I headed to Ireland's
largest city, Dublin,

where I got a crash course
in how to speak like a local.

Lynn, you are from the
north side of Dublin.

I would like to learn what you
people refer to as the Dub.

I know there are many
different variations on it...

- Yeah.
- But just give me the basics.

The basics.

So if you walked out of here
now, if you said to somebody,

- what's the crack?
- What's the crack?

Yeah.

What's the crack
means, what's going on?

Yeah, like, what's up?

What's the story?

If we were at a party and
the party was really good,

we-- you might say to someone
else, that was great crack.

Would I ever say, I
enjoyed your crack?

You might, but it will
mean something different.

Right.

That would be if
you had a good ride.

What's that mean?

A ride means, oh,
he's gorgeous.

- Ride?
- Like riding a bike.

But because you're a redhead--

I'm sorry to all me redhead
people, I love you very much.

But you would caveat it with,
"He's a ride for a ginger."

Why do people do that?

This is Ireland.

I get that shit in the--

I'm sorry, shite.

I get that in the
rest of the world.

And then I come to
Ireland, and you're like,

"Well, as redheads go"--

I think we're quite sexy.

Extremely sexy for redheads.

That's-- don't say that!

It's not funny.

We're very attractive people.

Ron Howard-- oh, fuck.

We use the same word
for a lot of things.

So say, Mickey.

Do you know what--

I can't believe I'm
not to go there.

A Mickey is when someone
puts something in your drink.

- No.
- What is it here?

Mickey, in Ireland,
is your penis.

What?

- Yeah.
- My God.

Yeah.

Earlier today someone said,
I put a Mickey in your drink.

And then later on, I
noticed I wasn't sleepy.

I wasn't sleepy at all.

Yeah.

But we use the same--

But the drink tasted
slightly a-cock!

I think I got to start
speaking faster because you

- speak very quickly.
- Yeah.

I'll put a little lilt on
it, and I'll speak quickly.

Yeah. Got a few jars in.

- Got a few jars-- what's that?
- Jars.

- Jars.
- Drinks.

I've got a few jars in.

I was just praying to,
what is it, Jessie Christy?

- Janey Mac.
- Janey Mac.

Yeah.

I just had a prayer
with Janey Mac,

because he found me sticking
me Mickey in a light socket!

You know what I mean?
That kind of thing, right.

Well, that's not saying
a lot for your Mickey

actually, because
light sockets are--

- they're quite small.
- I had an adapter.

OK, right.

Being a little loose
with the mouth too.

That sounds actually more
patronizing, stereotypical.

That's what I--

- Da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
- Oh--

The Americans go on
television and kind of go,

- oh-- di, dir, dir, dir, dir.
- Yeah.

She wants me gold, eh.

So when you're young,
growing up in Dublin,

if you were wrecking
your ma's head, right?

If I was a wrecking
my ma's head?

That's a niner.

You know, just in
her ear, a niner.

She'd say--

You know, you think
you're explaining things,

but you're not.

You're throwing me in
the soup every time.

I don't know what
you're saying.

You're wrecking your
ma's head like a niner.

What does that mean?

That's just-- that's just
gibbeldy-goo, you know,

which I'm sure is
the town you're from.

There's an equal relationship
here, where you're a student.

Mm-hmm.

So you might just be
a really shy student.

I might be a shy student.

All right, rather than
me being a bad teacher.

I'm going to put it on you.

Giving it socks.

That's being blithered
in the blathered.

No.

Just imagine you're in a rave.

And you're like,
absolutely wrecking it.

Monkey.

Uh, I don't know.

You don't know what monkey is?

- Dirty.
- What's that?

- Dirty.
- Oh, dirty.

- No, door-ty.
- Door-ty.

I thought you wanted
to speak like me.

But yet you keep trying to
force me to speak like you.

I'm not trying to force
you to do anything.

No, you keep going,
"Sorry, sorry.

Is it dirty?"

I enjoy this crack
I'm having with you.

Eh, going on the lash.

Going on the lash.

Going on the drink.

We're all going on the lash.

And then you might say, and I'm
absolutely dying for me hole.

Oh, Janey Mac.

Oh, I'm dying for the hole?

- Me hole.
- Me hole?

- Yeah.
- That means I'm want--

- I'm interested in what?
- It's like I--

- What do you mean?
- I'm gagging for it.

- It's like--
- I'm gagging for my hole.

Is-- I'm interested in sex?
Is that what you're saying?

I'm for me hole means,
that I want to have sex.

But it sounds like no one
else needs to be there.

If you said, I'm going
to wear the hole of you--

Yeah.

That would be different
to, I want to get me hole.

That hole is that hole.

But--

Right? If you were
to say me hole,

then you're talking
about your bum.

But if you were saying,
I'd like me hole,

you're talking about
a different hole.

Well, first of all,
I'm glad that we met

in this beautiful bar
to talk about this.

So how about we
have a conversation

- rather than you repeat me.
- Sure.

What's the crack, Conan?

Eh, I'm going to go
down over to the pub

and then go to the club.

Get me socks.

Get me socks on.

Get me socks off.

I'm going to wear me
socks. I'm wearing socks.

I have socks.

I brought socks!

I have a jars over
there at the pub.

Over there at the pub?
At that pub over there?

It's that pub
over there, yeah.

Are they all right over there?

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, the man in
the Dub, that work at the pub.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm absolutely
dying for me hole.

What do you like over there?

Oh, well, I'll get you a jar.

We'll put it in your hole.

No visit to Dublin is complete

unless you meet up with Bono.

It has to happen.

Problem is, Bono
is hard to find.

It's offseason.

It's cold.

And often, Bono retreats
into the shrubbery

to lay up on food and rest,

kind of prepare
himself for the spring

and the next tour of Vegas.

I've heard reports
that he's been

spotted here in Merrion Park.

When you're looking for
Bono, you have to be patient.

You can't rush it.

That's a different band.

This is a promising
area over here.

There's a lot of dense foliage.

There's been some
very small footprints.

We have found trace
evidence of Bono's scat.

Yeah, Bono's been here.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

These are fresh.

He sheds these
during mating season

and then grows new ones.

Wait a minute.

There, right
there, right there,

ahead of the woman
with the baby carriage.

Right there. Can't tell.

Is that-- see? See over there?

See over there? I'm
pretty sure that's him!

Enhancing the
footage confirmed it.

Bono was in the park.

Bono hunters have told
me if you really want

to lure them in, you've
got to use one of these.

It's a global
Humanitarian Award.

It's not even real.

We're going to
use this as bait.

We're going to bag us a Bono.

OK, the Humanitarian
Award has been hanging

for about five minutes.

The trap is set.

I'm told, with Bono,
this won't take long.

He can smell these
things from miles away.

There he is! There he is!

Where? Where is he?

There he is! He's
coming right--

Where do you see him?

- Right there!
- Oh, he's the guy there!

There he is! There he is!

He's got it! He's
got the award!

- There he goes!
- There he goes!

Come on!

Bono!

Bono!

Damn it!

All right.

Let's get another
Humanitarian Award.

I was starting to feel
at home in Dublin.

So I decided to find
out what the crack was

with an Irish fan I
met on my podcast.

Conan.

Mohammed, how are you?

- I'm good. I'm good.
- Where are you right now?

So right now I'm in my family
home in Dublin in Ireland.

My family came here
about 25 years ago from--

from Pakistan.

So I was born here, grew
up here, raised in Dublin.

And for the past
three, four years now,

I've been going to
university in Bulgaria.

Wait a minute.

I'm trying to piece
this together.

Your name is Mohammed.

- Yes.
- You grew up in Ireland.

Yes.

And you're going to the
University of Bulgaria.

- Yes.
- Is that right?

I'm a fourth-year medical
student out there.

What do you think you
want to do in medicine?

Something surgery-wise
I think would--

- would interest me quite a lot.
- OK.

Well, my wish,
and I know this is

a very strange thing
to say, is that one day

you perform surgery on me.

- That would be-- that would--
- That's what I want.

- be an honor.
- That's what I want.

That would actually be
pretty-- pretty incredible.

That's weird.

- Mohammed.
- No.

Mohammed! Yes!

- What?
- Yes!

- No!
- Yes, Yes!

- Yes, Mohammed.
- How are you?

- What?
- Hey. How's it going?

- You mind if we come in?
- No.

- Of course, of course.
- Is it okay? Come on in.

Come on. Come on.
This is crazy.

This is really nice.

Do you mind if I just
relax here for a second?

Of course.

When last we spoke, you
were studying medicine.

Yes.

What is your
specialty going to be?

You told me you were
interested in surgery.

Yeah.

Maybe something in the
orthopedics, kind of.

- I love the, like--
- You like a foot?

- Yeah.
- You're a foot--

I like to be--

You're a foot guy.

You and Quentin Tarantino.

Oh, maybe.

- You know, I like his movies.
- Yeah.

Well, you notice, he's
always-- the camera's always

- drifting down to the feet!
- Exactly, yeah.

It's fantastic.

- This is your sister?
- Yes.

So you're Pakistani descent.

But really, you grew up here--

Yeah.

I've been told my accent's
been fading over the years

as well because--

It sounds-- it
sounds Irish to me.

OK. Good to know.

Do you use all
the Irish jargon?

Like, when you get really
angry or, you know, into it,

you'll go into the accent more.

So they hear more like,
are you starting on me?

Are you starting on me?

Who the fuck do
you think you are?

You know, I'm
scarlet for your ma.

I'm scarlet for your man.

Scarlet for your
ma for having you.

Scarlet for your dad for
doing it with your ma.

Oh my God, this
is so Pakistani.

- This is fantastic.
- That's what I hear.

Let me try a couple on you,

because I've been
trying to learn.

I'm told I'm quite a ride.

- Mm.
- Who told you that?

Mm. That one's a bit--

Doesn't that mean he's,
like, a handsome guy?

- Yeah, exactly.
- It means more

that someone wants
to have sex with you.

Someone wants to
have sex with me.

Well, why did you-- why
is that so crazy to you?

No, I was just curious
what the source was.

Hi.

- What's your name?
- Makira.

Hi, Makira. How are
you? Nice to see you.

I'm Conan.

You listen to the
podcast sometimes?

Doesn't that affect
your studies at all?

Do you think it
hurts your studies?

Do you think I've
hurt you in school?

OK.

Is it possible you could
speak a little more quietly?

Because I can-- you're
screaming right now, OK.

Is that possible?

All right, good.

And I come to your house,
you're living in Dublin.

And your shirt says,
Wisconsin, USA.

What's happening?

Why?

You want to visit Wisconsin
because you like the name?

Mm-hmm.

OK. Do you like cheese?

OK. Wow, I can tell
from your tone of voice

that you really love cheese.

You guys must be very
proud of Mohammed.

He's going to be
what we decided today

is a foot surgeon,
is that right?

Do you think it sounds
a good idea for me

- to let your brother do surgery?
- I could do it.

- I could do it.
- You could do it?

- Yeah.
- What's your qualification?

- I'm a doctor.
- What kind of doctor?

Well, I want to do cardiology.

So if you want to let me
practice on you there--

No. So you want
to crack my chest

and operate on my heart?

- Sure.
- That's not happening!

Any pains, any aches,
anything like that?

Low back sometimes
stiffens up.

- Gets your hand in there.
- Yeah.

- What do you think?
- Oh--

- That's just nice.
- I think--

I think we can get you
on the table, yeah?

- All right.
- Get in there, Mohammed!

Here we go. Let me
use the elbow a bit.

Yeah, there we go.

Now, if you-- ahh!

This doesn't really count
as surgery, does it?

No, it-- it's procedure.

We're working on stuff.

This bed is now famous.

You can tell people
that Conan O'Brien had

his back adjusted on this bed.

Get a little plaque here.

I think that'll look nice.

Well, that's actually
our parents' bed, so--

I was just on
your parents' bed?

Oh, that's just so--

I mean, what a
Freudian tangle now.

Your parents sleep in that bed?

Yeah.

And I was just lying on it,

and your brother
was on top of me?

- Yeah.
- That must freak you out!

We were watching.

You'll never speak again!

As I said, it's
my-- it's my dream--

Yes.

that I come to Dublin
and have the most

Irish guy I know, Mohammed,

perform a surgical
procedure on me.

And we've decided you're going
to remove a piece of toenail.

I think I can-- I'm
capable of that, yeah.

Clippers, please.

Doctor.

Right.

This shouldn't take too long.

OK, let's go.

There we go.

Uh, remove it all the way.

OK, you have to
retrieve the organ.

Right.

Would you like your nail back?

You know what? I'm
an organ donor.

So I would like that to go to
someone who's in an accident

and has lost a little
bit of toenail.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

You're a real doctor now.

Once word got out that
I was touring Ireland,

the offers started rolling in.

Well, one offer, to appear on

the longest-running Irish
language soap opera,

"Ros na Rún."

- This is Mairead?
- Mairead.

And you've been
working here at--

am I saying it correctly, Ros?

- "Ros na Rún."
- "Ros na Rún."

And that means
valley of secrets.

Valley of secrets.

So there's a lot of
intrigue and stuff

that goes on on
this soap opera,

this drama series.
Is that right?

There is, yeah.

It's a place you might
not want to live.

It's lovely, but there
is a lot of murder and--

- Ahh!
- Crime.

- Wow.
- Affairs and--

- OK.
- things like that.

Ohh!

Oh, oh.

So everyone speaks
Irish on this show.

And really, this is part
of a cultural effort

to bring Irish back.

I've noticed that in Ireland
they'll have the sign

in English and also in
Irish, which is beautiful.

Yeah, yeah.

It is not an easy language,
this Irish language.

It's not, but we'll see,
see how you do today.

You'll get a
little bit of help.

You'll be fine.

Quickly, I looked
at the script,

and I've been assigned--

I'm just a delivery man.

You are.

Why didn't I get a role
where I'm a sexy man

who's come to town and
has maybe an affair?

No harm, Conan.

But we have to be
true to life as well.

You know, it is a soap.

Delivery man, we thought
it was a great fit.

So you thought it
was impossible for me

to play a sexy man.

Is that what you're
thinking of saying?

Look.

You make it as
sexy as you want,

but also, it is so
portraying real life.

So delivery man I
think is a great fit.

Let me ask you a
quick question.

Let's say Colin Farrell
showed up to play a part.

- Would you make him--
- Sexy delivery man.

Is it my age? You can say it.

- Just I'm a little old.
- No, no.

- We're not ageist here.
- You're not ageist.

- No. No.
- It's just my face basically.

It's not! It's
just a good fit.

It's a nice little scene.

We think you're
going to do great.

You've crushed me.

- You crushed my feelings.
- We have to be real.

No, we don't!

We could put some
Vaseline on the lens,

make me look a little
better, you know.

We don't have that much time.

Oh, I'm back home
where I belong.

Kevin, thank you so much.

You're going to help me
learn the language today.

You're going to be
holding my cue cards.

What we've done today is,
we've written out in a way

that we think will help people

of an English
language background.

So what you did is,
this is for an idiot.

You made this for an idiot.

- For beginners.
- For beginners.

That's very nice.
Thank you both.

OK.

Jee-uh-gh-itch.

- Jee-uh-gh-itch.
- Jee-uh-gh-itch.

- How's that?
- That's pretty good, yeah.

Arr-ih-ged.

Gh-aw-kh-aid you-row.

- That was pretty good.
- That was good.

Knee-venn egg eer
ah fawn-ucht suh

bowel shoh err ayn know-ss.

- There we go.
- Right.

- Right?
- Brilliant.

There's a great danger that
while we're making this

you will fall in love with me.

I'm saying it's
something that does--

I'm not sure, Conan.

I'll fall in love with
you if we shoot the scene

in 40 minutes.

There might be a chance.

Eh?

Balloons.

Cash on delivery.

A sexy soap opera
star was born.

And next, I was
invited to audition

for an Irish supergroup.

I am standing here
with three legends.

These are The Irish Tenors.

Gentlemen, could you
give me a quick sampling

of just some small little
bit that I could hear?

♪ Of all the money ♪

♪ That ere I spent ♪

♪ I spent it in good company ♪

Oh, wow. That was--
that blows my mind.

There's part of me
that thinks the--

The Irish Tenors need a fourth.

- Let me give it a shot.
- OK.

Breathe.

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes, the
pipes are calling ♪

♪ From glen to glen and
down the mountainside ♪

That's interesting.

Let's-- let's try
and take the-- the--

just be yourself singing those.

Those are my trills.

- Once more with feeling.
- Yeah.

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes, the
pipes are calling ♪

Much better.

♪ The summer's gone ♪

♪ And all the roses falling ♪

♪ It's you, it's you must go ♪

♪ And I must bide ♪

♪ But come you back ♪

♪ When summer's in the meadow ♪

♪ Yes, I'll be here ♪

♪ In sunshine ♪

Jesus.

Bravo.

You nailed it.

I just lost a testicle.

It dropped out.

Oh, God.

It's in this shoe right now.

- What is your name?
- I'm Jean.

Jean, how are you, and
where are you from?

- And I'm from Dublin.
- Oh, you're from Dublin?

I'm from Dublin.

My people, we went to
America about 150 years ago.

Oh my goodness.

Your Irishness
never leaves you.

- It never leaves us, does it?
- It never leaves.

And everybody says that.

She's right.

Your Irishness
never leaves you.

And I was off to
learn about mine.

I'm sitting here
with Catriona Crowe.

You are a genealogist.

That's right.

And so you study
family records.

I know a phrenologist
feels bumps on the head

and tries to tell if
someone's dangerously insane.

But a genealogist
studies family records.

- Is that correct?
- That's exactly right.

I focus on the records.

I know very little
about my family.

I wanted to kind of
give you an idea of what

the records are showing.

I suppose if we start here
with your great grandfather,

Thomas Noonan O'Brien--

Yes.

And he's the man who was born
in Ireland but emigrated.

So really, Thomas
Noonan O'Brien

is the one that did it.

He was the one that said
we've got to get out of here,

- we have to go.
- Mm-hmm.

- I had a genetic test--
- OK.

- not too long ago.
- Mm.

And the result came back,
and it said I'm 100% Irish.

Could that have
led to my madness?

Yeah, it's possibly
linked to the red hair.

The red hair has sometimes
been linked to madness?

Well, maybe more a
temper, I suppose.

My writers have told me
that I have a temper.

OK. OK.

I often, if I'm not
pleased with the quality

- of their work--
- Mm.

I've been known to
fly into a rage.

And I'm quite
physical with them,

beatings, pummelings.

Is the name Conan becoming
more popular in Ireland

since my great fame?

I think you're the
only Conan I know.

Can I try and pinpoint
the location for you

on a few maps?

I'd like you to try that, yes.

Yeah. So--

Do you mind if I
put on my glasses?

No, of course.

Can I put them on in kind
of a funny comedic way?

Is that funny to you?

A little.

So we're looking at a
map of County Limerick,

where Thomas was born,
your great grandfather,

is in the parish of Galbally.

Galbally.

It's really just
a group of farms.

All of the O'Brien family,
they're agricultural laborers.

- So--
- We were all farmers?

Well, at this
generation, they're--

they're working for
the tenant farmers.

Right.

So I suppose, if you
put it at a class level,

they're-- they're a rung below.

I come from very rural
people, working-class.

Mm.

There's no chance that I
would come back here and be

heir to a great fortune.

No, but do you
really need that?

Yes, I do.

Are there any records
in all of your research

that you've done
on the O'Briens?

My family in particular, have
you found any acts of heroism?

Everyday heroism I
suppose, you know.

Do you think it's possible
that in my own way,

I'm heroic?

Again in an everyday way.

OK.

You just cleared your throat.

There was no reason to.

I could tell there was
no saliva back there.

You just did it to fill
the awkward silence.

Yeah.

I gotcha.

One of the fakest
throat clearings

I've ever heard in my life.

I mean, really.

- You did it again.
- Oh, God.

You are so
uncomfortable right now.

Do you think I'm heroic?

Um, um.

Think the O'Briens
are a great line?

I'm told I have a fat head.

Is that something that would
be in the O'Brien line?

- What's this?
- Can I get a photograph?

Thank you.

And I get to keep the baby now?

- No.
- Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye now.

What's her name?

Nothing works up an appetite
like stealing a baby.

So I decided to try the
Irish breakfast staple

black pudding, also
known as blood sausage.

Hey, I'm at
Loughnane's Butcher.

- And your name is Dara.
- Dara Loughnane, yeah.

OK.

Well, Dara, as you know, this
is a travel show I'm doing.

And a big staple
of travel shows now

is the host tasting the
local food and going,

"This is incredible."

And maybe you show me how
we make the blood pudding,

and then I can bite into it
and be like, this is amazing,

just like Stanley
Tucci does it?

Looks like he's having
six orgasms all at once.

We show you the
ingredients, and we'll--

we'll let you try some.

Black pudding starts with
three types of ground pork

combined with oats,
onion, and pig's blood,

lots and lots and
lots of pig's blood,

which is all lovingly stuffed
into a cow's intestine,

tenderly tied into links,
then cooked, sliced,

and served as the premier
delicacy of Ireland.

Oh, this is the
finished product.

- Yes.
- OK.

Here we go.

Mmm.

Oh, I feel like I've come home.

Next, I was off to
the town of Wicklow

on the craggy Irish Coast
to visit one of Ireland's

iconic lighthouses.

This is Brendan
Conway. Hi, Brendan.

Hi. Nice to meet you, Conan.

You are the lighthouse
keeper, yes?

Well, I used to live
here as a child.

My father was the
lighthouse keeper.

Your father was the
lighthouse keeper.

- That's correct, yeah.
- How does the light work?

Is there a big crank that
you pull or a big lever?

It's just all automated. It
just comes on on its own.

So you could leave
for weeks at a time.

You could do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you doing here now?

- What am I doing here now?
- Yeah.

I'm talking to you.

Oh.

It's so quiet too here.

Yeah, it's peaceful, isn't it?

Did the quietness
and the solitude

do you think ever
drive you mad?

Did you ever go insane?

Not for me, no. I enjoy it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Let's say the light goes
out, where do you get a bulb

for one of those these days?

Do you have to have
it specially made

or can you order one of those?

It's an LED.

So it--

It's an LED?

You're taking all the
romance out of it.

It runs on a sensor
automatically.

It's an LED that
you get on Amazon.

I yearn for the old days of
the old lighthouse keeper,

who's gone quite mad
staring at the sea.

- That's what I yearn for.
- OK.

Brendan, this is incredible.

It's hypnotic.

And the view you get
here is spectacular.

Yeah, it's gorgeous, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- So see this steel cable?
- Yeah.

So you'd crank it
up like a clock.

It took the weights
about 25 minutes

to reach the bottom
of the tower.

You'd have to crank
it every 25 minutes?

You would, yeah, so my father
would be up here on his watch.

But what would he do-- how
would he sleep at night?

He didn't sleep.

It's like having a newborn.

I get it.

I understand why
there's automation.

But to be honest, I
yearn for the old ways.

Yeah.

You know, just the
one lighthouse keeper

out here all by himself.

Just him and the
sea, him and the sea

slowly going quite mad.

Hark! Poseidon, hark!

Our king, please look
down upon thee and curse

the winds of modern plague

that sullies the
ancient tradition!

Forge where rock meets sea!

Discard this
technological detritus

into the black briny deep,

the last gasp of
avant-garde convenience!

And scream to the
heavens above!

I got gadgets and
gizmos a-plenty!

I've got whozits
and whatzits galore!

You want thingamabobs?

I've got 20!

But who cares?

No big deal.

I want more.

Me thinks that last part
was "The Little Mermaid."

Yeah.

Uh...

Oh, the precious light,

the precious light.

Back in this century,
it was finally time

to make a pilgrimage
to the birthplace

of my great grandfather,
Thomas Noonan O'Brien.

I'm very excited.

I am here in the
village of Galbally.

Galbally.

This is where my
great-grandfather--

- Thomas.
- Thomas O'Brien,

he would have hung out in this
little town square, right?

Absolutely.

Maybe he would have stopped
off at Fraser's lounge bar

and undertaker to grab a pint
and hit on a grieving widow.

Sir, your name is?

- Joss O'Brien.
- You're an O'Brien.

And you're from Galbally.

I am an O'Brien.

My great-grandfather
was Thomas O'Brien.

And he came from Galbally--

Mm-hmm.

in the 1870s.

Yes.

You don't seem that excited.

I'm back.

Look at me. I'm back.

I came back.

You're an O'Brien
from Galbally.

I'm an O'Brien from Galbally.

We must be related,
don't you think?

Oh, so it's not a big deal.

Jesus!

So you'd be happy about an
O'Brien returning to Galbally

if he gave you some money?

Is-- is a tenner OK?

I know it would have to be--

How much?

Few hundred thousand?

You want a few hundred
thousand euro in order

to be excited about
meeting an O'Brien?

I will. Have a good day.

Be careful crossing the road.

Yeah.

No, no, no. Don't worry.

But if you do, you
can always sue.

That's where the money is.

Anything happens to you, you
fall in one of these cameras,

you get the money.

Yeah, so go take a tumble.

- Run along now, little tumble.
- OK.

And then you'll never work
again a day in your life.

He's an O'Brien all right.

We're just off the main
road here outside Galbally.

According to your calculations,

Thomas O'Brien, my
great-grandfather,

would have lived--
where do you think?

Is it in here?

Yeah, just round here
there was a small cottage.

So I'm looking at
the exact same view

that they would have had.

Mm-hmm.

And saw those
mountains every day.

Yeah.

And they left this
to go to America.

Yeah.

I think they screwed up.

- This is beautiful.
- It is beautiful.

- They should have stayed here.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

My quick question is, why
is there no house anymore?

This is where the
O'Briens lived.

The records show there
was a house here.

So it was certainly,
there was--

the newer laborer's cottage was
here at least from the 1930s.

But most of those
laborers' cottages,

they're gone from
the landscape.

Catriona, I want to thank you
sincerely for taking me here

and to see where my
great-grandfather came from.

It's terrific.

Thank you so much really.

Thank you.

Yeah, what you do is
really meaningful.

I mean, do I wish the
house was still here?

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

Am I a little hurt
that it was destroyed?

Does part of me
think that maybe it

was because they didn't
like my work in America?

Yes.

But still, this is very moving.

And I thank you.

It was hard to believe I
was sitting on the very land

where my great-grandfather
lived and worked

and that my existence
was the direct result

of his courageous decision to
seek a better life in America.

And no matter where
I went in Ireland,

I was struck by the unique
character of the Irish,

their dark and biting wit,

their contagious charm,

and their unrivaled
sexual repression.

I got my hole in.

Oh God! Oh God!

No wonder I felt
a strong kinship

with everyone I met
during my visit.

And I've never been prouder
to hail from a country

that has produced some
of the best thinkers

and artists the
world has ever known.

And of course, I'm including
myself on that list.

An artist?

You've gotta be shitting me!

Thank you, Ireland.

You are quite the ride...

for a ginger.

♪ And I shall hear ♪

♪ Though soft you
tread above me ♪

♪ For you will bend ♪

♪ And tell me ♪

♪ That you love me ♪

♪ Love me ♪

♪ And I shall sleep in peace ♪

♪ Until you come ♪

♪ To me ♪

This is deranged.