All language subtitles for Conan.OBrien.Must.Go.S01E01.1080p.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab

Earth.

A cradle for unimaginable beauty

and staggering wonder.

Incomprehensible, overwhelming,

this planet mocks our
feeble power to describe it.

Yes, to truly appreciate
the astounding grandeur

of this planet, sometimes
you must defile it.

Behold the defiler.

His character is vile,
base, and depraved.

Once a proud talk show host,

he has been driven by
a changing ecosystem

to a drier and harsher climate

the weekly podcast.

Here, without the nourishment
of his studio audience,

this clown with dull, tiny eyes,

the eyes of a
crudely painted doll,

is forced to feed on that
me age rest of morsels,

the random call-in fan.

Unhinged by the feral scent
of their mild enthusiasm,

he scavenges in distant
lands uninvited,

fueled by a bottomless
hunger for recognition

and the occasional selfie.

This is madness.

This is lunacy.

This is chaos.

This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go."

Norway.

Hey, Conan.

My name is Jarle, and
I'm from Bergen, Norway.

Let me say this correctly.

And first of all, nice
to meet you, Jarle?

Yeah, yeah, that's
pretty good, yeah.

Tell us a little
bit about yourself.

You seem like a nice, cool chap.

I make Norwegian pop, like
funk music with my cousin.

- Wait, do you have a group?
- Yeah.

We have a group called E.D.A.

Can you rap in Norwegian for me?

- Okay, check it.
- Check it.

Wow! I like that.

You should try.

Yes!

I wanna be a hit on the
Norwegian pop charts.

Is that a possibility?

That is an above 0% possibility.

I cannot say that it's over 1%,

but it's, like,
definitely like...

Well, come on.

In the mid-zeros.

- Listen... okay.
- Mid zeros!

You.

Jarle, it was really
nice talking to you.

Let me know if you
guys are over here.

A package for Jarle.

What?

A package for Jarle.

Yeah, coming.

Did that sound like me?

Hey, y'all, come on out here.

- Holy shit.
- Ha, ha! Look.

Oh, my God.

Conan.

Yeah, I came to see you.

You came all this
way just for me?

Yes!

- Oh, my God.
- Just for you.

- I...
- You're trembling.

Wow, this is crazy.

I'm in my goddamn
Crocs out here.

That's you in your
Crocs. That's okay.

That's okay.

It's so nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

- Yeah.
- 100%. Wow.

So you didn't know I was coming?

No, not at all.

Yes!

Fantastic.

Wow. Show me the
apartment first.

Do you mind if I just check
out what you got in here?

Go for it.

So you have one Corona,

and you don't even
keep it in the fridge.

I don't like that beer.

I don't know where it came from.

You don't have a lot of food.

Look at this. Look at that.

He has one spoon.

What's your deal?

You... look, you
have left this open.

And it got stale, and
it's a solid block.

It's not supposed
to be like that.

Look at that!

That's crazy.

How old is this bread?

One week.

One week, and
you've left it open.

That's your bread.

This is your bread.

You know what's so
great about this bread?

You can use it to
break up the cereal.

I use it for something else.

Look at this! Look at this.

These are your goddamn potatoes.

Did you know these
were sprouting?

I haven't opened that
drawer in, like, a month.

Seriously, this
is a huge problem.

You can't live like this.
- No.

How long have you
had this bed spread?

Probably since I
was a little kid.

Since you were,
like, a little boy.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Where would I stay
if I stayed here?

And you're on there.

Jarle, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

This absolutely blows.

I see that now.

Jarle, I noticed that
there is a receipt

behind you that's been framed.

What's that receipt for?

So this was just a joke I
had with a buddy of mine

after I was at a
store, the total value.

Oh, 69.69.

So it's a 69 joke.

And you fucking framed it.

Jarle, you have a
band. What's it called?

- E.D.A.
- What's that?

- E.D.A.
- One more time.

It's E.D.A.

You got it.

Yeah.

How's that band going?

Oh, that's going great.

We're having a concert tomorrow.

Jarle, what time is
your show tomorrow?

Show tomorrow is at,
like, 23:30, whatever.

From now on, as long
as we're friends,

when you discuss time with me,

we use the American
system, okay?

I guess above, like, 12 numbers

is too high, like too...

Don't fuck around
with me, Jarle, okay?

I'll wipe the floor with you,

which actually might
be a good idea...

Because I think you'd pick up

a lot of lint as
I drag you around.

I'm definitely gonna
check out your show.

I would love for that too.

And I also wanna
help your career.

If I give you advice and get
you help, will you accept it?

- 100%.
- Okay.

After leaving Jarle's apartment,

I had to deal with
a pressing issue

my missing luggage.

My luggage is gone...
yeah, completely gone.

It's gone. They don't care.

What happened is, uh,

flew from LA to London,

London to Oslo,

Oslo to Bergen.

Somewhere along the way, gone.

Anyway, not to worry.

The hotel said
they sell clothing

right across the street,
so I came over here.

And check it out.

Problem solved.

Hi, hi.

What is your name?
- Dagfinn.

- Dagfinn.
- Yep.

Kids teased me when I was a
kid because my name was Conan.

And your name is "Dogfinn."
- Yeah, yeah.

And nothing... no one
teased you, right?

- No, nothing like that.
- Yeah.

How's your friend Fishface?

Is he okay?

Quick question... I
just picked this up.

Is this how people
dress in Norway?

No. No, no.

One "no" is fine.

Why'd you do three no's?

Because it's more,
eh, ridiculous.

- This is ridiculous?
- Yeah, yeah.

They sold me this.

They said that people
wear this in Norway.

That's not true.

- Nobody wears this?
- No.

You're saying I look
foolish right now?

Yes.

Dogfinn, if I can
call you "Dogfinn,"

you don't sugarcoat it, do you?

You tell it just as it is.
- Yes.

- So I look like a fool?
- Yes, today.

Do you think the women
would like this outfit?

No.

Not today.

Do you think a guy
might like this outfit?

No, no.

No one would like this outfit?

Yes, that's correct.

So far all you've
done is shoot me down.

Yes.

You haven't said
one nice thing to me

since I spoke to you.

No.

So you're just being
very honest with me

that I look... I look stupid.

Yes, today.

- I look like a fool.
- Yes, today.

- Like an idiot.
- Yeah, today.

Do you think I
should have waited

for my luggage to come
back from the airport

rather than buy this?

Yes, yes. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So everything I've
done is wrong?

Yes.

All right, Dogfin,
I'm gonna go that way.

- Okay.
- You go that way.

No.

I go also that way.
- Wow.

God dang.

Dogfin!
- Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow!

After my run-in with Dogfin

oh, man, look at this
incredible drone shot.

Yeah, we're flying
over Bergen Harbor.

You gotta use drone cameras
on these travel shows.

Look at the detail.

You can see this hotel.

It's beautiful.

God, I love this drone.

I'm gonna make it
my personal mission

to use it as much as possible.

Even if it feels
a little forced!

After finishing my wine

and a big plate
of Norwegian cod,

I decided to head out and
discover the wild side

of Bergen's nightlife.

Hi, hi. All: Hi, hi!

Hi, hi.

This is something that I found
in Norway that's a tradition.

People get together,
they have a little drink,

and they knit at the same time.

Well, tell me... so you
do this twice a month.

How did this get started?

Instagram.

Ah.

Well, what a great old
ancient Norwegian tradition.

I don't know how to
knit. What do I do?

How do I start?

You need to cast on first.

- Cast on, okay.
- Cast off.

- Ooh, look at that.
- Yeah.

So you just keep doing that.

Can you hand me my glass?

Can you... I'll do
it if you just keep

mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh, you're doing very good.

- That's good.
- Yeah.

Look, I knitted, everybody!

Very good.

How come you don't
seem so happy for me?

It's a simple thing.

It's not a simple thing.

This is the greatest
achievement of my life.

I'm curious, what were you
talking about before I came?

What is this...

What you're knitting,
what kind of fibers.

Oh, what are you knitting,
what kind of fibers.

You know, it's
funny you say that.

I have been... I touched
women's sweaters before.

You need to ask.

And they were wearing them,
and they got very upset.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Easy there.

Torsten is taken.

Yes, but I can feel his fibers.

Oh, wow.

Ladies.

Ladies, please.

Look at that. Look
how far I've gotten.

Look at that. Yeah.

It could be, like, a
French bikini bottom maybe.

This is the thong.

This is the thong
that goes up the back.

- A few more?
- Yeah.

Trust me, you don't have to.

It's very cold out there.

Would you assist me here?

You hold on to that,

and I'll go around
this way here.

And look at that.

That's fantastic.

This is a great new creation.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

So I took my new wool
lingerie and strutted outside

to see one of the
world's greatest wonders.

God, the northern lights.

One of the highlights
of coming to Norway.

It looks so gorgeous to be here,

to actually see it.

It's just stunning. Wow.

Yeah, the northern
lights don't come out

for another three hours.

I'm not gonna stick
around for that shit.

When you think of Norway,
you often think of Vikings.

Well, I'm in Gudvangen.

It is a recreation

of a Viking village,
and the good people here

dress as Vikings,
live as Vikings.

Sir, what is your name?
- Carl.

Carl.

And you are dressed as
an authentic Viking.

Is that true?

As far as we can
ascertain, yeah.

That's... that's a real
weapon right there.

You're not fooling around.

This is a society
where the only response

you have to an insult
is violence, so...

So any time someone says,

"Hey, maybe you could
trim that beard,

"it's getting a little
long," you can just say,

"It's Viking time,"
and kill everybody.

You can.

If the Viking thing
ever dries up,

you could be a wizard.

Yep. I'll keep that in mind.

I don't think you will.

What the hell was that?

You have Icelandic chickens.

Thankfully he is only
up when the sun is up,

so he'll go to bed pretty soon.

Rooster's insane.

I think he's lost his mind

'cause he's living in
this Viking village.

That is entirely possible.

Yeah.

Kill that thing.

I can't take it anymore.

Well, that shut him the fuck up.

Bah!

Look at this. This
is incredible.

Thank you for inviting me to
your authentic Viking world.

And what would this be?

This is gonna be the
needle for this cloak pin.

For what? Oh, this is
jewelry I'm making?

Yeah. So it's a...

And I thought I was
making a weapon.

Can I say something?

You're a very
happy, jolly fellow.

I bought my freedom when
he captured me as a slave,

so yeah, I should be jolly now.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

How would I do as a Viking?

I am a redhead, so I probably
have Viking DNA in me.

- Conan the Red.
- Conan the Red.

I am Conan the Red,

son of Thomas,

the microbiologist,

and Ruth, the estate attorney.

I was forged in iron.

I've come here to
pillage and murder!

I must now meet my tribe,
and then they will know fear!

I am Conan the Red.

Who is your chief?

I am.

I have to say, I'm
not feeling it.

I wanna learn the
ways of a Viking.

Can you sorta show me the ropes?

Are my pants falling?

I think my pants
are falling down.

Yes! Right?
- Yep.

Why would Vikings do this?

Well, mostly for fun.

- For fun?
- Yeah.

This isn't, like,
a battle skill?

Not for the Vikings.

So this was a big waste
of time what I just did.

- Dah...
- Let's go.

What are we cooking here?

Well, we just melted some ice.

Oh, the old ice stew.

- Yeah, the ice stew.
- Oh, wow.

What do you eat
here in the village?

Um, onions, turnips,
with meat as well

from boar hunting, deer hunting.

Oh, man, this place blows.

Guys, these people are crazy.

They're nuts.

Hey, do you want out of here?

I can get us a van.

I can get you down
to Oslo in two hours.

No, I can.

The van's not over there.

You don't have to
live like this.

Now, Carl, you said that insults

were usually how fights began.
- Yes.

So why don't you
start by insulting me?

Come on. Really go for it.

You overgrown ginger lump.

You son of a bitch!

Okay.

Again.

I find your sense
of humor juvenile

and an insult to the
concept of humor.

Come on. Try it again, Carl.

You having a stroke, Carl?

You hamburger-eating,
diabetic, uh,

joke of a lost British colony.

Wow.

I'd be insulted,
but it's all true.

I don't think you were
cut out to be a Viking.

I just don't.

Now, you showed me your world.

Let me show you mine.

- Skal.
- Skal.

Back in civilization,
I decided the best way

to help my new friend Jarle

was to join him in
the recording studio.

Jarle has teamed up with
his partner Christian,

and you two are a writing team.

Is that right?
- That's true.

And you perform together.

And these guys
are the engineers.

Is that right?
- Yes.

- What is your name?
- Morten.

Okay, I'm not gonna
remember that.

And what's your name?
- Isaac.

Okay.

All right, I'm gonna
call you Chip and Chop.

Don't take it personally,
but this country

has got a fucked-up language.

I don't know what's
going on, okay?

If I wanted to be
in a Tolkien novel,

I'd go live in a Tolkien novel.

All right, "Shteeb," "Shteib,"
let's hear the first song.

This is called "Welcome
to the Clubbin'."

Ah, ah.

Stop right there.

I know a lot about
rap, and I've produced

some of the greatest
acts in the world.

To me, that sounded like rap.

Now, when he's rapping,
what are you doing?

- Just listening.
- Yeah.

Okay.

We have a little bit of
a Simon and Garfunkel

thing happening here.

And no offense,
I just wanna hear

what you're
contributing to this...

Yeah.

Because I've gotta look
at the bottom line.

Okay, I owe you an apology.

That was fantastic.
That was great.

Yeah, I'm now thinking
you have to go.

You're less ironic.

You know, you're
doing a lot of like...

You know?

And this guy is like... you're
laying it down, no apologies.

There's usually in
some of these songs

correct me if I'm wrong...
like, a vocal part

that I could maybe add.
- Yeah.

But it's something that
tells you we're in Norway,

'cause I think that
would help, you know?

♪ Like I'm looking
at the fjord ♪

You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

Like he's in the club, but
he's looking at the fjord.

That tells you we're in Norway,

possibly Seattle,
some Nordic country.

But you know what I mean?

Do you think that would
lay in on the bridge?

Yeah, it definitely would.

♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪

♪ There's salmon in the sea ♪

♪ My baby says she's bored ♪

♪ She's not in love with me ♪

♪ Ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha ♪

♪ Yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

Oh, yeah.

Let's go!

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

Excellent.

I think what we do
is, we lay that in.

I think this is a bona fide hit.

I wanna get this track
played on the radio today,

and I will use all
of my connections

in Norway, which is
basically you and you.

Yeah.

You... you have, like,
no shoulder at all.

This is like... it's like I'm
holding on to a butterfly.

I should lift more.

No, no, you shouldn't
lift anything at all.

Your arms would fall off
and shatter on the floor

like little pieces of China.

Guys, there's one thing
we haven't brought up,

which is, what's the
financial arrangement here?

Hmm.

You understand that
I'm bringing a lot

to the table now.
- Absolutely.

Yeah.

So you would both have
to take a decrease

in order to make room for me.

You're gonna hear from
William Morris Endeavor.

That's WME.
- Okay.

As soon as we find a
working telephone here,

they're going to
call you, and, um,

they're going to explain to
you what I'm getting, okay?

Don't fuck with these people.
- Okay.

Okay?

I swear to God, don't fuck
with these people, all right?

Just give them what they want.

It's gonna be Rick
Rosen and Gavin Polone.

And when they're done with
you, you'll be two skeletons.

They're criminals.

They once both held Suge
Knight out a window.

Yeah, and he shit his pants.
- At the same time?

What's that? They
each had a leg.

While Jarle and Christian went
to an ATM to get my money,

I decided to explore
Norway's casual

and shame-free approach to sex.

They call it "sex
before coffee."

And as an intellectually
curious pervert,

I decided to investigate.

I'm sitting here
with Catrin Sagen.

And you are a psychologist
and a couples therapist...

Yeah.

And a bit of an expert on sex.

- Yeah, I am.
- Okay.

Teach me how to flirt in Norway.

You cannot go into
a woman and pay

for the restaurant bill.
- Really?

Yes.

That might... she might feel
that you are for inequality.

So she... she will not like that.
- Right.

But if you don't try to pay it,

she will find you cheap and...

- See, there's no winning.
- I know.

It's a game.

Okay, let's try right now.

A meal has just been put.

We're here and we've just...
we're eating the meal.

What are you eating,
pasta? What are you doing?

- Yes. This is...
- No one eats like this.

I don't know what you're doing.

Now we've had our dessert.

I'm having a parfait.
- Yes.

Long spoon.

Maybe just a little bit
more masculine for my kind

of taste, not that...

No, I... I

it's a tall and it's
like... it's a swirling

it's got a lot of little
creams and syrups in it,

it's a long spoon.

But you do want to have
sex with me, right?

What's that?

So don't do that
with the tongue.

- So I've just paid for dinner.
- Yeah.

I'll take this.

Take care of this. There you go.

There's my card. All right.

And what's this?

Oh, it was rejected.

Oh. I can pay.

- No, no, that's fine. Here.
- Okay.

- Try... try this.
- It's a gold platinum card.

Try this card, yeah.

That should... what?

Also? Here, try this.

It's an old Diners Club card.

- Oh.
- Now... what?

Oh, come on.

The saying "sex before coffee,"

does that mean that Norwegians
like to maybe have sex first

and then get to know each other?

Yes.

- That's fascinating to me.
- Yeah.

You have sex first,
and then you talk.

Yeah. Or never talk.

If you don't like the
sex or like the person.

Pretend that we
just did have sex...

- Yeah.
- And you did not enjoy it.

Would you say anything
negative about my body?

No.

What if things were just
kind of weird down there?

I wouldn't tell you anything.

- You wouldn't say anything?
- No.

What if it's just sort of takes

a sharp turn to the left?

That might be
interesting. I don't know.

No, it's not in a...
not in a good way.

It's not in a good way?

It is like... it's
like it's on a hinge.

- Okay.
- It's just... it's

it's like an old rusty
gate that's stuck open.

I don't know that I could
hook up in the morning and,

and not talk with someone,
and then go have coffee.

That's one of the things
I've been told is,

I talk a lot during sex.

- Oh.
- But I don't say sexy things.

- No.
- I just talk a lot about...

- Different things.
- Well, just like...

The weather.

Well, Woodrow Wilson
comes up a lot.

And I'll say, you know,
it's interesting 'cause he

in his first term, he ran on,
I'll keep us out of the war,

and then he got us into the war.

And I usually talk about
that when I'm climaxing.

- Hmm. That's different.
- Yeah.

And he had a stroke in office,

and his wife made
many of the decisions.

And so some say she was
the first female president

because she was
making the decisions

and telling the cabinet.
- Yeah.

And then I come. Ah!

- Eh.
- You don't like that?

No, it doesn't feel like
you're having sex with me.

Oh, I didn't even
know you were there.

- Oh, yeah.
- No, I do this by myself.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I'm often...
- When you're alone.

I often go to a bus station
and use the men's room,

and I just take care
of business myself

with old Lefty.

And I talk about Wilson.

I lost my virginity rather late.

It was the middle of
Obama's first term.

Yeah, you might save
that for a later...

Was right around the
time they got Bin Laden.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, in fact, I think...

I'm pretty sure
it was that night.

Oh.

When they got Bin
Laden, and I...

- Never ever tell anyone.
- I was in a bar.

And I told a woman that
I was part of the team,

and I got laid.
- Okay.

Which wasn't really true
and also not believable.

I got him tonight,
and I flew right back,

and suddenly I'm in
a bar in Los Angeles?

Yeah, that's strange.

I'm way too old to
be in the military.

Yeah.

- She was not smart.
- No.

What if a guy was my age
and, including his wife,

he had been with three,

but one of them was
more of a procedure?

Like in the health care?

It was a health care situation.

Okay.

And I had

was trying to pass a stone.

And I went to this clinic,
and they said, well,

the nurse will first assess.

So this nurse was working
on my junk down there,

and then I was
like suddenly, ah!

You know, I think...

I don't know how Wilson
came up, but he did.

And I was like, ah.
- Of course.

And then... now

oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- We are having coffee.
- Yeah.

So that means I've been
with four people in my life.

- Okay.
- Yeah. All right.

Next I was off to Lofoten
to visit another fan.

That's right. I have
two fans in Norway.

Kai, tell me a little
bit about yourself.

Who are you?

I am just a run of the old
mill fish farmer from Norway.

Do you like going out on the sea

and working with these fish?

It's amazing. We're...
we're just two

like, we're colleagues,
but basically

we're really good friends
going out on the boat,

doing our thing.

Well, you mentioned
that you go out

in the sea with someone
else. Who is this?

His name is like...
in Norwegian, his name

is pronounced "Gard Seeman."

His name is "Guard Semen"?

Yeah, that's

yeah, it's Gard Simen.

Do you ever get
irritated with him?

Oh! Every day, every day.

What does Gard Simen do
that gets on your nerves?

What doesn't he do
that gets on my nerves?

- God!
- He just exists.

Hey.

How are you?
- Welcome to Norway.

- That's so cool. How are you?
- I'm good.

It's so nice to
meet you in person.

- Really exciting to see you.
- Yeah.

This is so cool.
- Yeah.

- It's great. I made it.
- Huge.

- This is a big deal.
- Yeah.

It's... it's really cool.

I just... I'm really
bad at showing emotions.

Kai, we have zero chemistry.

What are we gonna do?

You've got this cool
color to your face

from being out on
the sea every day.

- Yeah.
- Can I get that, you think?

Mm

maybe.

We'll try not to have,
like, the white mountains

in the background
because then you probably

only be able to see your hair.

You're an asshole.
He's a total asshole.

Okay.

We're gonna get on
the boat, right?

Yeah.

Didn't think I'd have
my own gear, did you?

It was a crab took me hand.

A baby horseshoe
crab took me hand.

Now, of course, traditionally,

when a fisherman goes to sea,
he says goodbye to his family.

It's very emotional, they
might not ever see him again.

My family didn't
come along for this.

They wanted no part of it, so
I hired a family to be here.

Well, I'm off to sea.

I love you guys.
- Love you too.

If I don't come back,
son, you're in charge

of the family hook, okay?

All right.

Off to my certain death.

Okay, we are at sea, and
I'm sitting here with Kai.

And, Kai, this is
your co-worker...

Gard Simen.

Kai, you said that sometimes
things get rough with

with Gard Simen.

It's two men trapped
on a boat together

in the North Norwegian Sea.
- Yeah.

What does Gard Simen
do that bothers you?

When I try to teach him stuff,

he always disagrees, even though

this is something I know.

When he tells you something,
you argue with him?

Sometimes he might not
have the best solution.

Bullshit.

I always have the
right solution.

Gard Simen, I want
you to say something

that you admire about Kai.

I think Kai knows a lot
about working on the ocean.

Kai, I would like
you to say something

that you admire
about Gard Simen.

And take... take your time.

That's my phone.

Who's calling you?

I have no idea.

It's a unknown number.

Probably a sales call.

I thought the whole point
of doing this was that

you guys are out
on the high seas.

And you get a sales call too?

- Yeah.
- You get bullshit spam calls?

Yeah.

Sometimes I pick
them up just to have

somebody to talk to, but...

Gard Simen, do you realize
what an insult that is to you?

Yeah.

Sometimes he comes in
here to take a spam call

just so he doesn't
have to talk to you.

Oh, my God, that's the worst.

I wanna ask you
a quick question.

There's some kind of rivalry
between what you guys do

and fishermen. Is that right?

Yeah.

You two are at a bar.

I'm gonna be a cod fisherman.

What do you guys
do for a living?

Farm salmon and...

- You farm salmon?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah? I go out
and I catch cod.

I catch it like a real man.

What do you do? You grow salmon?

We feed it and then we...

I feed the salmon!

I catch the cod!

Have fun doing that.

I don't have...
putting my drink down.

I don't have fun doing it.

I do it 'cause I'm a man!

Hey, calm down, man.

Who the fuck is this guy?

I go out there like a man,

and I catch the cod...

With me hook and me line.

Having gone insane after
only ten minutes at sea,

it was time to hit the bar.

All: Skal.

Oh, man.

That's the hardest
I've ever worked.

I'm hosing down the ocean.

Who took my fish?

Kai, faster! Faster, Kai!

What do you think?

Should I give a toast
to the whole room?

Would that be nice?
- Absolutely.

Definitely.

- Are there any fishermen here?
- Me.

You're a fisherman?

Oh, we're gonna go...
we're gonna fight

'cause I'm a salmon farmer.

Do you wanna fight me?
- Yeah.

Wait, you do?

Right here.

You scared of me?

Cut it out.

He's faster than I thought.

After getting beaten senseless
by a ten-year-old boy,

I knew there was only one
thing that could cheer me up.

Another gratuitous
shot with the drone.

We're getting our money's worth!

I hadn't done any
souvenir shopping,

so before I left town, I
decided to buy something

my kids would love...

Lofoten's number one product

cod.

This is my carry-on luggage.

Let's cod me up, would you?

I like that one. Okay.

Go.

Great.

Could I get... yeah,
three cod heads?

- Yeah.
- Okay, great.

Here, help me close this.

Yes.

Yeah.

- Yeah, that's fine.
- You got it?

Zip 'er up.

I was off to the
airport with my suitcase

packed to the gills.

By the way, that joke
was written by AI.

They're coming for us all.

Our tire just went
into this ravine.

The car is stuck.

We've only been trapped
about, I'd say, five minutes,

but I think we're gonna
have to start eating people.

We'll start with the
sound technician.

No? Okay.

We'll eat an intern first,
and then I think, uh,

whichever camera person
has more muscle and fat.

I think that's gonna be you, so.

Or we could use
the backup vehicle

and just shuttle to the
airport and not eat anybody.

Those are kind of
our two choices.

We got some luck here.

One of these guys
had a cable with him,

and he's gonna try and use it

to use this van to
pull this van out.

Can we just act like
I helped do this?

- Sure.
- Watch this.

All right, I think
we got it, guys.

I just wanna keep everybody...

Yeah, I'd like to... excuse me.

If it snaps.

Yeah, excuse me.

I'd like to keep everyone
back in case this snaps, okay?

How's it looking up there?
I don't know his name.

Glorg?

How's it looking up
front? What do you think?

We have a good chance?
- Maybe.

Okay, well, a Norwegian
"maybe" is an American "yes."

I don't know what that means.

It's going a little
deeper into the ditch.

I'm not having any
effect on this,

but I'm just gonna walk
around a lot and look like

how are we looking here?

Try again.

You know, I think it's
worth another try, guys.

Let me check the line.

Yeah.

All right, I think we're good.

We've gotta get to the
airport to get to Oslo.

We're in desperate situation

'cause we have a dinner
reservation at 8:00,

and those are hard to get.

Okay, we've been now
here about 25 minutes.

We are rapidly losing body heat.

It would help a lot if
I buttoned my jacket...

But I don't like
the way that looks.

Fortunately, we made
it to Oslo in time

for our dinner reservation.

Unfortunately we never got to
taste the flesh of our crew.

And as I promised, I
used my connections

to get Jarle and Christian's
song played on the radio.

- You are Alex.
- I'm Alex. You're Conan.

I am coming to you with
an amazing opportunity.

All right.

- I have recorded a song.
- Yeah.

And it is by a hip-hop
duo in Bergen, okay?

They're called E.D.A.

And I did the vocals
for the bridge.

Okay.

I do think when
you hear my bridge,

your golden locks are
gonna fly off your head.

You'll be bald
when this is over.

Okay.

It'll be just some
golden Nordic hair

lying on the floor.

The hair will never grow back.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you'll be bald
the rest of your life,

unless you have the hair on
the floor stitched into a wig

and placed on your head.

Before we play the song,
give me an example of what

the intro will be like.

Well, I might say
something like,

you're listening to
"The Afternoon Show"

here at Radio Nova, and we
have something real special

coming up for you right now.

I like the "real
special." That's cool.

Yeah? Yeah? All right.

We have something real
special coming from you.

Mr. Con... Conan O'Brien.

And try... try not
to bobble the name.

Just Conan O'Brien.
- Conan O'Brien.

Yeah, 'cause the
way you said it,

it almost sounds like, I'm
not even sure who that is,

as opposed to, it's that guy.
- Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, play up my
name a little more.

The most famous
comedian in America

has agreed to come to Norway

and bless us with his presence.

You want me to say those words,

"bless us with his presence"?
- It'd be nice.

All right.

This song is playing
right now all over Norway?

Right now it's just playing
downstairs in the building.

Oh.

♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪

♪ There's salmon in the sea ♪

Now for another
beautiful drone shot,

except flying a drone
camera is illegal

within the city limits of Oslo.

But paid a lot for this
thing, and I'm gonna use it.

Fire it up, fellas!

What is your name?
- Otar.

- Otar?
- Yes.

I was told that in Norway,

people like their
personal space.

- Yeah.
- Right?

So this is the right
amount of space.

Yeah, this is the
right... this is right.

Okay, now what about... you
tell me when I'm too close.

Ah, you're too close, too close.

That's too close.
- Okay.

Hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.

Try it. Just try it.
Just try it. Just try it.

Just try it. Just try it.
- Okay, try... I'm trying.

A little bit scared, though.
- See?

Nothing bad happens
when you're this close.

- No, actually it's okay, then.
- Yeah, isn't it fine?

You kind of like it, don't you?
- Maybe it's okay, then.

Yeah. Is this okay?

You like it?
- Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

Listen, I want you to
remain perfectly still.

I'm going to lick
your cheek, okay?

You can do it.
- Okay, let's see.

Yah...

See? Norway can change.

This personal space
thing is just ridiculous.

- Okay. Now I'm relaxed. Yeah.
- You're good, right?

Okay, your hand is on my ass.

- Hi.
- How are you?

What is your name?
- Eben.

- Are you Norwegian?
- Yeah.

You know, I've noticed...

I've been here for a little
while... that the Norwegians

are very reserved.

Yeah.

They are very kind of quiet.

Yeah.

They don't have much to say.

No.

- They're very honest.
- Yeah.

How do you think I

what do you think of my look?

Yeah, a little bit, um,

perhaps, you know, a
little bit too old.

You think I'm too old
to dress this way?

Yeah.

What's... what's...

I'm trying to look too
young for a guy my age,

is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

So maybe I should
dress a little older.

Yeah.

Like wearing clothes

that's more suitable
for someone my age.

Yeah.

How old do you think I am?

You're close to 60.

Jesus.

Yes.

Yeah. Happy for you.

Thank you.

That's so lovely.

All right, so let's review.

Norwegians are quiet.

- Yeah, a little quiet.
- Reserved.

- Yes.
- I dress inappropriately.

Uh, yeah.

It's sad the way I'm dressed.

Okay, if you wanna put it
that way, yes, it's sad.

Would you like to
have this coat?

I don't think I can
wear it anymore.

Maybe you could sell it.

- It's a Tom Ford?
- Yeah.

I can sell it.

Really? Okay.

Nice to see you,
sir. Yeah, thank you.

Finally, the time had
come for Jarle and E.D.A.

to debut our new song
at what I was told

was Norway's largest
concert venue.

Conan O'Brien!

One, two, three, four!

♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪

♪ There's salmon in the sea ♪

♪ My baby says she's bored ♪

♪ She's not in love with me ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

Whoo!

Long live Norway!

Whoo!

Bro, what the fuck
just happened?

Crowd: E.D.A! E.D.A! E.D.A!

Sadly, the time had come for me

to leave the beautiful
country of Norway.

Many thanks to the
Norwegian people

for their generous warmth,
relentless honesty,

and their unflinching
commitment to cod,

so much goddamn cod.

And I'll never forget my
Norwegian fans Jarle, Kai,

and, of course,

the DJI Inspire 2

with Zenmuse X5S gimbal

and Synacor 2.0
image processing.

I realized I wanted more, so

there's a kind of
wisdom, I think,

that comes with
age and experience.

You learn about
your own mistakes.

You know, you're
a great listener.

♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪

Hey, Conan. It's me, Kai, here.

I don't know if you remember
the drink we had in the bar.

There was a girl there,
which I've known for a while.

Conan gave me a tap on the
shoulder and told me to

to go for it, and I did.

So we're living
together now, and, uh,

and we're expecting our
first baby, a little girl

now in February.

Things are going really great.

Thank you for your visit.

This is deranged.