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ADULT SHELDON: Not all science
is created equal.

There's physics,
the undisputed king of science.

There's chemistry.
It's no physics,

but it's not a bad way
to pass a rainy afternoon.

And then there's biology,

the squishiest of the sciences.

Ugh!

Once you have deposited
enough saliva

in the blue
Benedict's solution,

we'll mix it in the centrifuge.

After that, we'll pass it
through the spectrometer

to measure
how much glucose is present.

And won't that be a party?

Sheldon.

[whirring]

[hissing, clanging]

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

It's warm. Oh, dear.

♪♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪♪

♪♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪♪

♪♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪♪

♪♪ I am a mighty little man ♪♪

♪♪ I am a mighty little man ♪♪

And then there was some
extra money in the budget,

so I was able to order
those tackling dummies

I had my eye on.

I don't understand
why the football program gets

so much money while
the equipment in the science lab

is outdated and falling apart.

Oh, I can explain that.

This is Texas.

- Pass the ribs.
- Well, it's not fair.

It's a school.

Education should be
their priority.

All right,
I'll explain it again.

MEEMAW:
I think Shelly's got a point.

The school is supposed
to prepare these kids

for the future.
How many of 'em

are gonna be
professional football players?

No one at this table.

But how many of 'em
are gonna be scientists?

I know.

George, isn't there a way
they can take some

of the football money
and spend it on science?

Really?
I need to explain it again?

You know, moonpie, in the '60s,
when the hippies wanted

to change things,
they would just protest.

- You were a hippie?
- Oh, no.

But I wrote a letter
complaining about the hippies,

and the police chased 'em
right out of that park.

So my point is...

maybe you could write a letter.

Ooh. Maybe I can lodge
a formal complaint

with the school board
about the sports budget infringing

on the other departments.

Okay, last time:

Canada,

the other states,

us.

[indistinct chatter]

- [shouts]
- [shouts]

What are you doing
standing there?

I wrote a formal complaint letter
to the school board

on how much money
is spent on football.

I was hoping
you could deliver it to them.

You do realize
your father's a coach here.

Yes, sir, I do.

Maybe you ought to talk to him
about this first.

I did.

He didn't care
for the idea at all.

Well, there you go.

There I go what?

Let me see that.

[sighs]
"Barbaric sport...

encourages bloodlust similar

to Roman gladiator games...

Christians, lions...

money better spent
on science and learning."

You're joking, right?

Did you see the word "bazinga"
anywhere in that letter?

Out.

I'll just have to go
over his head.

President Cooper.

That's serendipitous.

SHELDON:
Hello.

- [gasps]
- [shouts]

What?

I understand that you're
in charge of student elections.

[exhales]

I am.

I'd like to run
for class president.

Really?

Really.

Okay.

You can sign up,
but I have to warn you,

you'll be running
against Nell Cavanaugh.

So?

She's well-liked
by the student body.

So?

These elections tend to be
a bit of a popularity contest.

So?

You're gonna make
me say it, huh?

Say what?

People don't like you.

Well, as my meemaw likes to say,
water off a duck's back.

Elections shouldn't be
about popularity.

They should be about who has
the best ideas.

And what's your idea?

Less money on football,

more on science.

Really?

Guess what?
I'm running for class president.

Good for you.

You're encouraging him?

He's gonna get destroyed.

You don't know that.

I feel like I do.

Well, whether you win or not,

I think it's great
that you're trying.

But you think I'll win, right?

God's listening, Mom.

I think it's certainly possible.

Do you have a campaign strategy?

- No.
- Do you have a catchy slogan?

- No.
- Does he have a shot at winning?

No.

Hello. I'd like to speak
to the mayor, please.

My name is Sheldon Cooper.

I'm running for class president

and was hoping
he could give me some advice.

I'm ten years old.

But if it helps get him
on the phone,

I'm well-behaved,
a straight-A student,

and have impeccable hygiene.

[beep]
Hello.

This is Mayor Harrison.

I understand
you are running for office.

Class president.

Do you have any advice
on how to win?

The most important thing
is to get out there

and connect with people.

That's tricky.

I'm not terribly fond of people.

Well, you might need
to get over that.

Assuming I can,

how do I connect with them?

A friendly handshake
is a great start.

Oh, boy.

Now I have to touch them?

ADULT SHELDON:
Over the next few days,

I mounted my campaign.

My name is Sheldon Cooper,
and I'm running for class president.

Okay.

Put her there.

Greetings, fellow students.

I'm running for class president.

Here's a button.

Have a grown-up put them on you.

They're sharp.

Hello.
I'm Sheldon Cooper,

and I'm running
for class president.

- Yeah?
- I understand

you had a baby last year.

If you bring it in,
I'll try to kiss it.

Vote Sheldon
for class president.

Vote Sheldon
for class president.

Vote Sheldon for
class president.

Don't worry...
it's a number two.

You can use it on
standardized tests.

- Okay.
- And, of course, homework.

I love homework.

Well, it's so nice
to finally meet you.

I'm Nell Cavanaugh.

My opponent.

I would shake your hand,
but my mom is washing my mittens.

Okay.

[chuckles]

She was really nice.

She even said,
"May the best student win."

That's sweet.

This was a great idea.

Children like cupcakes,
and by giving them cupcakes,

they'll transfer
that affinity to me.

That's another way
of looking at it.

By that reasoning, a rich person
could simply buy people's votes.

It's been known to happen.

Until my ship comes in,
I guess it's cupcakes.

Georgie, check it out.

Oh, man, I hate
that he's doing this.

What? It's cute.

It's embarrassing.

I would think
you'd be proud of him.

That's 'cause you're
a better person than me.

Maybe you ought to ask God
to take away your anger

and replace it with love.

Can I ask him to take away
my brother instead?

Georgie.

Not kill him.

Just strand him
on an island somewhere.

A nice island,
with coconuts and stuff.

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckling]

Nell Cavanaugh,

it appears
we're taking the mittens off.

Well, that's unfortunate.

Oh, this goes
well beyond unfortunate.

It's flat-out unfair.

Did you not say
that you love homework?

Of course I said it.
I say it all the time.

But she took it out of context
and is using it against me.

Well, that is what happens
in politics.

People stretch the truth.

Well, those people
are dirty dogs.

They certainly are.

Now, let me ask you something.

How bad do you want
to win this election?

Bad enough to let 105 kids
shake my mitten.

Okay, then you need
to toughen up.

Politics is not
for the weak-kneed.

Are you suggesting
that I fight fire with fire?

I am.

So going to my room and crying
in my pillow is not an option?

It is not.

Then I have some thinking to do.

MISSY:
Oh, yeah.

You're screwed.

Which is why
I need your help.

Why me?

You're ruthless.
I've seen you cheat at Candy Land.

Thanks. Go on.

Well, I'd like to retaliate,

but I don't know
anything about her.

Make something up.

Ooh, tell people
she has head lice.

I won't resort to lying.

There's a Denise Cavanaugh
in my class.

- Could be her little sister.
- So?

I'll see if I can dig up
something about Nell

you can use against her.

Thank you.

Georgie, I hate
to have to ask this,

but are you going
to vote for me?

No. Go away.

Are you sure?

If I win, I can make
you a hall monitor.

Imagine the respect
you'll get then.

Get lost.

GEORGE JR.: Lord, please take away
my anger toward my stupid brother.

My life is hard enough.

Don't let him be president.

And while we're talking,

Veronica... help me out.

Encourage her to do something
with me she'll regret.

Amen.

[school bell rings]

Remember, tomorrow
we'll be dissecting worms!

[groaning]

Ah, your sadness makes me happy.

Mr. Givens,
I just wanted you to know

that I'm still working hard
on my campaign

to get more funding
for the science department.

Oh, great, 'cause I've got to
dig up tomorrow's worms myself.

Anything you can do to help me
win a decisive victory

come Election Day
would be much appreciated.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Sheldon.

The faculty doesn't get involved
in student elections.

Oh, I understand.

You have to remain neutral.
Wink, wink.

I'm sorry, wink, wink?

You want new science equipment
and I want that for you.

One hand washes the other.
Wink, wink.

Oh, sure, wink, wink.

Now you're getting it.
Wink, wink.

Wink, wink.

Wink, wink.

[sighs]
That kid creeps me out.

ADULT SHELDON: Another hurdle in my
political career was glossophobia:

fear of public speaking.

I've been known to experience
dry mouth, perspiration,

heart palpitations,
and fainting.

A similar response
to what I experience

around unleashed dogs.
[line ringing]

Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper.

Can I please speak
with Pastor Jeff?

PEG [over phone]:
Hold on. [coughing]

Hey, Sheldon,
what can I do for you?

I need to give
a speech at school,

but I have a fear
of public speaking.

Since you give a sermon
every Sunday,

I was hoping you'd have
some words of advice.

As a matter of fact, I do.

When I look down on my
congregation and I feel nervous,

I just ask the Lord
to speak through me.

Like a ventriloquist?

Not exactly.

I think of it more as a...

Like one of the Muppets?

No, not that either.

'Cause you do look
a little like Kermit.

Uh, okay, good luck to you,
Sheldon.

Hello?

Dr. Sturgis.
Can you give me any advice

on how to overcome a fear
of public speaking?

Ah, you know,
when I was a young man

I had a terrible fear
of speaking to an audience.

What did you do?

Actually, it kinda took care
of itself.

One day I was, uh,
playing miniature golf

with some colleagues
and I got struck by lightning.

- Oh, dear.
- No, it was fine.

When I came to, I found myself
with the gift of gab.

Big crowds,

small crowds,
you couldn't shut me up.

I don't see how
that can benefit me.

Not unless you'd like me
to take you miniature golfing

next time there are clouds
on the horizon.

- Everything okay?
- No.

I have to give a speech
in front of the entire assembly.

Oh. Got a little stage fright?

Unfortunately so.

Just thinking about it
causes my bladder to misbehave.

[chuckles] Yeah, I been there.

You have?

Sure.

When I first started coaching,

I was real nervous
to talk to the team,

you know,
give a locker room speech.

Then one day
it dawned on me.

I'm not just talking
to football players.

I'm talking
to teenage football players.

Most of them aren't listening
to a word I'm saying.

That's an interesting
perspective.

I'll tell you something else.

You don't give yourself enough
credit for how brave you are.

- I don't?
- No.

Sheldon, you are ten years old,
going to high school.

Everyone's older than you,
everyone's bigger than you,

but you keep at it,
day after day.

That's brave.

Any kid who can do that
could give a speech

to the United Nations
if he had to.

Thanks, Dad.

I heard what you
said in there.

- That was very beautiful.
- Thanks.

I gave a similar speech
to my team last week.

Boy, did we get
our asses kicked.

ADULT SHELDON: Emboldened
by my father's pep talk,

I began working on my speech.

I aspired to walk
in the footsteps

of history's greatest orators:

Socrates, Winston Churchill,

and, last but not least,
Professor Proton.

Hey, I spoke to Nell's sister.

Found out some
interesting stuff.

Thanks, but I've decided
I don't want to stoop to her level.

If I can't win on the quality
of my ideas,

then I'd rather lose
with my head held high.

That's really stupid,

but in case you change
your mind...

All right, y'all have heard

from your secretary candidates,
your treasurer candidates,

your vice presidents...

It's time for the big finale,

the closing event,
the headliners...

Nell Cavanaugh
and Sheldon Cooper.

One of these two will be
president of your class,

so listen to what they've got
to say and choose wisely,

which will be a whole new
experience for most of you.

Remember, heckling
will get you detention.

BOY: Bite me!
[crowd laughs]

Bryan Larkin, two days!

You want to try for a week?

I didn't think so.

Nell, floor is yours.

[cheering and applause]

STUDENTS:
Nell!

[whooping]

Thank you, Ms. MacElroy,

Principal Petersen,
our hard-working teachers,

and my fellow students.

I'm blessed to call
so many of you friends.

Y'all probably know everything
about me already.

Lord knows I love to talk.
[laughs]

[laughter]

So instead of going on
about myself,

I'd like to talk to you
about my opponent.

Sheldon Cooper has been lobbying

for new science equipment here
at Medford High,

and while that sounds wonderful,
the truth is,

he thinks our school wastes
its money on football.

[students booing]

Do we really want
a class president

who doesn't care about football?

STUDENTS:
No!

I know I am proud to be
a Medford High cheerleader,

and I love football!

[cheering and applause]

But you know the one thing
I love more than football?

God.

[students affirming]

[applause]

Let me tell you
another interesting fact

about my opponent.

Did you know that Sheldon Cooper
is an atheist?

[students gasping]
That's right.

He doesn't believe in God.

Just keep that in mind

when you cast your vote today.

I'm Nell Cavanaugh.
Go Wolves!

[cheering and applause]

And now, please welcome
Sheldon Cooper.

♪♪♪♪

[whispering] No one would fault you
if you ran out the back door.

♪♪♪♪

[quietly]
Nell Cavanaugh is... a Yankee.

[gasping]

She may love football
and she may love God,

but she was born in Scarsdale.

That's in New York.

[gasping, booing]

There's more.

My opponent didn't move to Texas
until she was seven years old.

In fact, in her bedroom

there is a pennant
for the New York Yankees.

[students jeering]

While I may not be a fan
of organized religion or sports,

I promise, if you vote for me,
I'll do my best

to get new science equipment
for our school.

Uh...

Don't mess with Texas!

[cheering and applause]

[chanting]
Sheldon! Sheldon! Sheldon!

Sheldon! Sheldon! Sheldon!
Sheldon!

Sheldon! Sheldon! Sheldon!

Sheldon! Sheldon!

[whooping, whistling]

[xylophone playing]

ADULT SHELDON: Before I became
Dr. Sheldon Cooper,

I was President Sheldon Cooper.

And I don't mind telling you,

they both look pretty darn good
on business cards.

One of my first responsibilities
as class president

was delivering
the morning announcements.

Please rise
for the Pledge of Allegiance.

I pledge allegiance
to the Flag...

SHELDON AND CLASS:
Of the United States of America...

SHELDON AND GEORGE SR.: And to
the Republic for which it stands...

One Nation...

Here's a fun fact
about the next two words:

"Under God" wasn't added
to the Pledge of Allegiance

until 1954.

My first act as your president

is to remove the words
"under God" from the Pledge

in order to honor

the separation
of church and state

in this public high school.

PETERSEN:
Okay, that's enough.

SHELDON:
You can't take my microphone.

- I'm the president.
- [whispering] Thank you.

PETERSEN:
All right, let's try this again.

I pledge allegiance
to the Flag...

PETERSEN AND CLASS:
Of the United States of America,

and to the Republic
for which it stands...

One Nation

under God,

indivisible, with liberty
and justice for all.