Original subtitles

We started with 10 comedians.

It's like the first day of school.

And just one rule: Do not laugh.

How you doing, Bob? All right?

Or burp.

Oh!

Or squirt sausages at a nice old lady.

Oh, dear.

But one by one, they cracked.

Whoa, Sam.

Ten has become four.

I've gotta give you a red card.

His eye looks like a grape in a tumble dryer.

Oh.

Who will go the distance and be the last one laughing?

Okay, that was definitely a laugh.

Doors.

We've only got 40 minutes left, so we're gonna go sudden death.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

- We've not got much time left. - Sudden death?

- If anyone laughs, it's a red card. - Ooh.

What are you doing there, Jimmy?

I've got to go. I've gotta be quick.

That's very good.

- Hey, look at him gan. - Doors.

Doors! Fuck's sake.

- Jimmy. As I live and breathe. - Oh.

Do you want a hand, Jimmy?

I'll be okay.

If they didn't laugh at that, they're not gonna laugh at anything.

No. No.

- I might just... - You're really happy, aren't you?

I might just leave that there.

Doors.

He's left his fricking little sofa thing.

Oh, Jim.

Where's your little pouffe?

Did you see that I bumped into the door?

Yes. Yeah.

Oh. I thought I styled it out.

No, no, no.

It was the little panic in your voice as you went, "Doors!"

"Doors!"

- "Doors!" - "Doors!"

That was so good.

Goddamn it.

Bob's going to get a song.

He's at his laptop.

Yes.

- Love song, darling? - Yes, please.

Would you join me?

I'd like to tell you about my true feelings for you.

So just relax, yeah? Just wrote a few words for you.

Thank you. I hope in some way that helped.

- It did help. That was very moving. - Yeah.

And I liked the way you rhymed bitter and shitter.

- Thank you. - That's… Yeah.

I couldn't think of anything else.

I think David Mitchell might be unbreakable.

David, have you ever dropped a Bible onto, like, a dog or something?

Not onto a dog.

You're pretty certain that you get a good grip when it's a religious text?

When I'm carrying a Bible, yeah, I probably do accord it…

Favourite shape?

Favourite shape? Square.

Nine bits of advice?

Nine?

See, they're targeting David.

Um… Try and get your tax bill done early.

Don't smoke.

Uh, don't tell people not to smoke.

Uh, learn to drive. I wish I'd learned to drive.

Do you not drive?

- David, it's not too late, my friend. - That wouldn't…

- A bit of practice on that wouldn't be a… - Hey, he's ready.

She went at speed.

Do you want to have a go, Dave? Quite fun.

- Is it? - Yeah, it's great.

- David on a pouffe is fun, innit? - It's good.

- Well, that's true. - You know what I mean?

- There we go. - There he goes.

I'm going very tentatively.

- Go through the gap. - No, see. I can't really steer.

Right, here's Romesh's rap book.

Read us.

Okay, let's have a look.

Come on. Right.

I think David's playing a good game. He's gonna try and take them all out.

- Yeah. - That's a lovely treat, isn't it?

It's how you dreamed of your raps being performed.

"Banned from Kiss Chase", this is called.

David finding my rap book…

I mean, even saying the words as a 47-year-old father of three,

"my rap book,"

please smash me in the face.

It was like somebody finding a pair of your skiddy underpants.

Do it in a rap way though, David.

That was in a rap way.

Is that more rap?

- That was deep rap, yeah. - Yeah. Go deeper, Dave.

- David might go. - He's struggling. Oh.

It doesn't scan.

It's the introduction. It's not the actual… You know.

Oh, sorry, this is just an introductory paragraph to the rap.

This makes a lot more sense.

Go on, Dave.

- That was horrible. - Mic drop.

Sorry, I'm not taking the blame for that.

David Mitchell could read a Kendrick Lamar lyric and ruin it.

Can I… Oh, I haven't… Oh, yeah.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Sam. Could you get David to do his joker, please?

- Vladimir Putin has been assassinated. - Who?

It's time for David's joker.

My joker?

- I… Yeah, I think it just… Yeah, okay. - Okay.

Let's go. This way.

He's got two jokers?

Oh, my God.

This is so exciting.

Do you want to have a waltz with me, Bob?

- No. - Okay.

Um, hello.

Uh, sorry, just before I start, a bit of explanation about this one.

I've worked with a lot of stand-up comedians over the years,

but I've never done stand-up.

I feel I know you.

I thought this would be a very trusting environment

just to try it out.

Oh, no.

Anyway, just a bit of stand-up comedy from me. Please...

- Good luck, Dave. - Go for it. Go for it.

- Be supportive. - Absolutely.

Okay, quick reminder. If anyone laughs, red card.

Ladies… Ladies and gentlemen,

he hasn't, uh, tried stand-up before, so please give him a big hand!

David!

Uh, I know what you're thinking, "David Mitchell's let himself go."

Uh, is this thing on?

Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

Okay, so, um…

I got it. Uh.

I went, uh, on a dating app the other day.

Um, as a result of which, my wife has left me.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have used her email, but, uh…

Didn't want the spam. Um…

Cat… Cats and dogs. Um, so, cats and dogs!

They're overwhelmingly similar. Aren't they?

Domesticated mammalian quadrupeds. The lot of them.

- Bob. Bob. - Bob's in trouble.

So no point in anthropomorphia… No point anthropormophipha…

Fundamentally they're the same thing.

They live in the house and they won't try to kill you.

Oh, you know, although there have been terrible, terrible news sto…

Let's just move along.

Mmm? Crowd work. Um…

Crowd work.

Uh…

Where you from?

Middlesbrough.

Sorry, no, I'll keep the… Where you from?

- Middlesbrough. - Fuckingham?

He said Fuckingham.

Honestly, what, Fuckingham where? Fuckingham Fuckinghamshire?

That's weird. Are you together?

- Not really. - What are you doing with him?

That's going nowhere.

Um…

So close to what I do though.

Observational stuff. Um… Okay, so what about…

What's the deal with assisted dying?

Who wants assistance dying? That's the last thing you want.

I mean, what's next, assisted stubbing your toe?

Assisted being late for work?

Assisted stepping on a plug?

Assisted falling over?

Assist… What other bad… Assisted being in a traffic jam?

Assisted food poisoning?

Assisted getting a bad back?

Why do people want assistance dying? Mmm?

It's a serious topic.

Yeah, no, obviously, you're quite right.

There's… They're in a lot of pain, is the bottom line, is it's…

It's no existence for some people.

Anyway, that's all I've got time for.

Um, so have a great trip back to Fuckingham.

You idiots.

Uh… Thanks, you've been a great audience. I'm David Mitchell. Good night.

Well, that's the closest Bob's come.

Yeah. Definitely.

He's not out of the woods yet. Sam's gonna try and finish him off.

Go on, Sam.

I didn't mind that. I thought he was all right.

I enjoyed that very much.

- He was good. - It was extremely funny.

Yeah. Bright future.

That was right up my street. And he's very good.

"Where are you from?" "Middlesbrough." "Fuckingham?"

You know, it's a few wrinkles to iron out, but I… Basically…

- It's all there. - I can book the O2, I think.

- No wrinkles as far as I was concerned. - Yeah.

What, sort of, usually tickles your funny bone?

He should've asked that six hours ago, shouldn't he?

I like innuendo. I like a clever innuendo.

Well, you're as dry as a divorcee's martini.

- A what? - A what?

You're as dry as a divorcee's martini.

Why is it… What's the innuendo there?

It's a simile.

Yeah.

Why would a divorcee have a particularly dry martini?

- Maybe a... - Oh, do you mean dry as in…

Just sort of dry.

- Can I show you something? - Please do, Dave.

Let's get… Let's get close.

'Cause I'm a bit worried.

- What is this? - What's he got?

There's a thing… On the… Well, the…

To put it delicately, it's on the bottom of my back.

Mm-hmm?

It's changed.

Do you want me to investigate?

Well, I've taken a picture.

- And just would love your opinion, really. - Input.

I mean…

What do you think?

- There's this sort of… - Metallic blue.

It's sort of… But you see the skin around it is disrupted.

Do you want me to have a look?

Well, let's just sort of zoom out a bit maybe.

Oh, actu… No, it's fine, sorry. It's…

- Hot cross bun? - It's a hot cross bun.

Sorry, that's not the…

- Just a hot cross bun. - It's just a hot cross bun. Sorry.

This is it. This is it. You see?

- That's… Sorry. I was stupid. That's… - Oh, sorry.

- You see. - Oh. Uh… oh.

Looks to me like you've got, uh, luncheon meat of the back.

- Right. Yeah. - Yeah.

Bob immediately spotted it as luncheon meat.

He's got up close with a lot of luncheon meat.

He's probably woken up to that view.

I'm so intimately involved with luncheon meats and Spams

that I knew straight away what I was looking at.

Okay, I'm going back in there.

Okay.

I'll deal with this.

Okay.

Gotta get 'em somehow. They're gonna go head-to-head.

Doors.

- Hey. Oh, no. - Who's in?

Hey. Jimmy.

He's not so happy. Sorry.

Uh, Bob, Mel, please join me on stage for a head-to-head challenge.

We are going to test your knowledge of the animal kingdom.

What I'd like you to do is look your partner in the eye.

It's a game I call "Nature Calls."

I'd like you to, in turn, look your partner in the eye

and make the noise you think this animal makes.

Mel, you're to go first.

A coquettish bee.

One moment.

Okay.

Bob. A drunk elephant.

Fuckin' hell.

Mel. A mafia boss sheep.

Bah-bah.

Bah-fucking-bah.

Bob's gonna go.

Now they've both got twitches.

Bob. A duck from Belfast.

No.

Sounds a bit Norwegian to me.

He's been there, yeah. But he's based in Belfast.

He's done the tour?

Well-travelled.

I was thinking Dutch.

That was crazy. Definitely European.

That's more Oslo than Belfast. I need more Belfast, Bob.

That's definitely more Oslo.

Oh, my God. How can you survive that?

Okay. Mel. A Geordie monkey.

It is very good. That is what they sound like.

It's so crap.

Bob, a cool goat.

Yeah, he's pretty cool. Mel, a flamboyant frog.

Ribbit, ribbit.

Ribbit, ribbit.

This is very naughty.

Ribbit, ribbit.

Ribbit, ribbit.

A… Uh, Bob, easy one for you. A randy dolphin.

He's very far away.

Very far away.

Can he come a bit closer, please?

Really?

No, no, the dolphin.

Pardon me.

Hiya, baby.

Mel's gone. She's gone.

No. No.

If you'd like to take your seats, we'll take a look at the clip.

Having to do those animal noises at very, very close quarters with Mortimer,

I think it was a quick bark of a laugh. It was a… …like that.

Couldn't pull it back, and I knew I'd lost it then.

That was extraordinarily fun.

Let's take a look.

A… Uh, Bob, easy one for you. A randy dolphin.

Hiya, baby.

Oh.

- Mel. - Oh, I'm gone.

- Oh, Mel. - That was a laugh disguised.

It was fun though, weren't it?

It was brilliant. I loved that, every m…

I don't wanna go.

- I'm afraid you have to go. - I must go.

But you've done very, very well. Please come with me.

- Ah, my darlings. - And then there were three.

Thanks, Mel. We honour you.

Okay.

- Guys, be strong. - See ya, Mel.

Doors.

I thought you were out first. You did so well.

I honestly thought you'd be gone in seconds.

Well done!

You did so well.

- Brilliant. You were so brilliant. - Relax that chin.

I've done something permanent.

Mel survived the drunk elephant and the duck from Belfast,

but the randy dolphin got her.

It's game over for Giedroyc.

You ain't laughing, are you, Sam?

I don't know what's going on. I think I have found a zone, but…

I know what you mean.

I guess it answers the question, "How long does it take people

- to go utterly mad in a room?" - Yeah.

I will treasure that. And I'll hold you to it.

I'm gonna ask everyone. Who do you think is gonna win?

- Sam. - Sam.

Everyone's saying Sam. I'm gonna go David Mitchell.

- Okay, let's restart the game. - Oh, my God, this is so fun.

We're off again. Okay.

Do you have a special name for a wee that you do if you get up in the night?

- No, not a special name. - No?

Bob's going for David now.

But I do one regularly.

Right.

Could I recommend calling it a Chadwick?

- Chadwick's not bad. - A Chadwick? Yes.

I'm just…

Yeah. Just…

Sorry, I was Chadwick, just… just Chadwicking.

Look at Bob, Jimmy.

Fuckin' hell.

I got you with Chadwicking.

Bob's gone. Okay.

Ah.

Another one bites the dust.

Oh, Bob. No way!

Doors.

Hey, Jimmy.

Oh, Bob. Take a look.

Could I recommend calling it a Chadwick?

- Chadwick's not bad. - A Chadwick? Yes.

I'm just…

Yeah. Just…

Sorry, I was Chadwick, just… just Chadwicking.

Fuckin' hell.

That's the way to go.

The champion has been defeated.

Mr Mitchell did me.

Did you with your own Chadwick.

I got David Mitchell talking about his early evening movement.

I think it just caught me off guard. It just made me laugh.

Now one of you has got more cards for other people than the other one.

We've got five minutes remaining.

If neither of you laugh in the next five minutes,

the person who has caused the most laughs will be the winner.

The laugh assassin.

The laugh assassin, yeah.

- Nice. - Bob. Come with me.

Good luck, lads. Good luck to you. It's been a pleasure.

Doors.

I watch you, man, I think, "Where have you been all my life?"

Yeah, yeah, sorry, man.

- I mean… You did very well again. - Yeah.

- Not so bad. Not so bad. - Yeah. Bronze. Bronze this time.

- Bronze. That's good. - Yeah.

The chat turned to late-night wees,

and Bob simply couldn't hold it any longer.

Our reigning champion is out.

- Bobby! - Bob Mortimer.

Bob Mortimer, everyone.

- Hey. Thank you. - Ah, well done, Bob.

Oh, hi, Diane.

- Well done, mate. Brilliant. - Hey, thank you, Rom.

Bob, come and take a seat over here.

- I've never been in here before. - It's lovely.

- Nice. - It's nice. Lovely to have you.

- Thank you. - Let's restart the game.

I got this killer question I think is just gonna do you,

- but I don't wanna waste it if... - There we go.

David. How many emails do you get, uh, most days?

Both are so incapable of an authentic chat, aren't they?

Oh, it varies. Maybe 20?

Promotional or social?

Oh, I don't get much spam. Mainly admin.

This doesn't feel a very natural conversation, does it?

No, no.

We're very different people. We are really different people.

We're different, okay?

And congrats for making it to the final two, though.

- Well, thank you. And you. - I think it's nothing to sneeze at.

- No. Yeah. - It's pretty awesome. Yeah.

No, likewise. I think we've done… we've acquitted ourselves well.

Dave might go, you know.

I don't think Sam's going.

Sam is invincible.

I'm going back in.

Go on, Jim.

- Let's seal the deal. Come on. - Good luck.

What would you do if you were you?

I'll do mine. I think the shouting was nice. Or stand-up again.

- We go back to the shouting? - Yeah.

Okay. We've got to find a winner.

Doors.

He can operate that better than that pouffe.

Hi, guys. Uh, congratulations on making it this far.

- Yes? - Uh, please take a seat.

As a special treat, I've got some delicious food for you.

You can eat as much as you like, but there is a catch.

You have to feed each other.

Are you happy to do that? I'm happy to do that.

Go for it.

I couldn't survive this. Could you?

- Not somebody feeding me, no. - No.

- What's the policy on feeding frenzies? - Good luck.

- Uh… We're all in favour of it. - Yeah, yeah. All right.

- Doors. - Okay?

Oh, my God, there's so many items there.

- What would you go for? - I'd go hand on éclair. Hand feed éclair.

I think I would go éclair and then a proper actual mush.

Would you like some squirty cream?

Yeah.

Just a little bit's got…

- Sorry. - Pop that back in.

- There we go. Shame to miss it. - Hmm.

He's got his finger in his mouth. That can't be good, can it?

I'll have a squirt.

Oh, will you ever?

Mmm.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, no!

I would be howling by now. I would be howling by now.

Oh, God. I don't think Harry Houdini could escape these eyes.

The great escape artist.

That's a great line.

I mean, it's a bit dated, but…

Oh, I think that's just the gas.

- That was la... Oh! - Sorry.

- Sorry, David. Sorry, David. Sorry. - That was nasty, that. Oh, no.

I can't make it stop, sorry.

- Don't make it sexual. Whatever you do. - No, no, no.

Oh, David.

Has it at all got in my beard?

Just a smidgen.

This is so wrong.

What are we watching?

Uh, ever seen a little flick, Lady and the Tramp?

Oh! I think you'd have to take control of one end…

- Yeah, yeah. - …okay?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

My mouth isn't big enough.

There's always room for more.

- Jelly? - Oh, a bit of jelly.

Look at Sam. Not even a flicker.

- Right. Here we go. - Mmm.

Gotta savour it. Did it taste funny?

Does it ever?

Well, why aren't you laughing then?

David, you need to have some of this jelly.

- It is so good. Okay. - Okay.

- We need a really nice big bit. - Nice big bit. There we go.

- Here comes the aeroplane. - Ah!

Oh, it's circling the runway, oh, here we go.

Uh-oh, turbulence, we're gonna stay in the air.

This is like CCTV footage of a nursing home.

Banana?

You think so? I… Yeah, okay.

They say they're easier to peel from the counterintuitive end.

I read that in the trades.

That lean-in could've been amusing many hours ago.

- Yes. - But now that part of me has died.

It's gone.

Can I tell you there's one minute to go.

Eat it.

Oh, my God!

- Mmm. - Is it banana-y?

- It's really good. May be the potassium. - Mmm.

Do you like me?

Oh, yeah, I do like you.

Yes.

- I don't want that. - Because I really like you.

Okay.

It's starting to become something of a fascination.

You want chips?

Now, we probably shouldn't have had dessert before the…

- As a savoury pudding. They're stone cold. - Yeah. Of course. Go on.

Okay.

You can't like that.

Okay, we're gonna count down. You have ten seconds remaining.

- Ten. - Okay. Quick.

Nine.

Oh, my days.

- Eight. - David.

Seven.

Six.

- This has been such a nice experience. - Mmm.

Five.

Chip.

- Four. - How's the chip?

Three.

Two.

One.

Mmm.

- Wow. That was incredible. - Amazing.

Okay, it goes to the tiebreaker.

- Ooh. What happens? - Ooh.

Whoever's caused the most cards is the winner.

The most laughs.

Who's caused the most laughs? Is it Sam or Dave?

Okay. It's come down to this. A tiebreak. Doors.

Hey, Jimmy.

Gentlemen, if you'd like to join me on the stage.

- Thank you. Very much. - Thanks, man.

You've both played an incredible game.

One of you will be declared the winner of Last one Laughing.

And I can tell you the person that caused the most laughs today is…

Whoa, Sam!

- Come on. - We've got movement.

Bob.

He's gone bright red.

Sorry, I was just Chadwicking.

David Mitchell.

Thank you very much.

We have a winner.

Well done.

- It's well-deserved. - Congratulations. Thank you.

Let me… …kiss you on your shoulder.

Oh, he's so sweet.

Now how do you gents feel?

That was quite insane.

'Cause I think we disappeared into a place where there was no laughter.

I have to say, for all of the bleakness at the end, I am delighted to win.

And I think that shows a want of character in me.

But I was very pleased.

What was the closest you came to laughing today?

Alan Carr. Just when I'd check him out, sometimes he would really crack me up.

Yeah, I came close quite a few times, early.

You were both absolutely unbreakable.

I kept thinking, this driver was telling me about growing up in foster care,

it was, like, really harrowing.

And I've just been thinking about that to get to this place.

Is David Mitchell a worthy winner? Absolutely. The guy is a pro.

Roisin, come through with the others and the trophy.

Oh, wow.

Yeah!

I'm really pleased that David won.

He did so much,

and on the strength of his singing and dancing alone,

I think he deserved it.

- Oh, wow. - Wow.

Here they are.

Hello.

I've had a lovely day. I loved it.

Oh, my God!

It went to the Mitch,

and I think he was very, very flipping solid all the way through.

You're entertaining, you're making other people laugh, but you're solid yourself.

Absolutely worthy of the troph.

- Well done. - Thank you, everyone.

He was funny, he was sharp.

He was just really good entertainment. So I'm really pleased he won.

- Well done! - Well done!

That was, uh, Last One Laughing, uh, season two,

David Mitchell is the winner.

I mean, they're all winners. We've had a tremendous time.

David's a formidable force, just because of his wit and his brain.

Well done, David. Nice one.

It was just a terrifically funny group of people.

I was honoured to be in their company, to be chosen alongside them,

it was… just genuinely felt, "Oh, this is nice."

That's our show, everyone.

Thanks for watching. Good night!