Original subtitles

That's good.

Jenny?

Jenny's gonna come any second!

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, I was gonna spend the night alone with Jenny tonight.

Pussy whipped!

All right, maybe one beer. That's it.

The party's on!

You know, hey, I cleaned earlier. Yeah, thank you.

Jenny.

Some of the guys dropped by.

Hug me?

Will you?

Party's over.

What's the matter, no-dick? Jen throw you out?

No.

Yeah, well, tell her I'm available, huh?

- Why don't you go home, Jory. - You wanna make me?

Hey, God...

Goddamn shit!

Come on, Jenny, open up.

Come on, Jen, my dad's coming. Look, at least let me get my stuff.

- You're kept. - I'm what?

You cleaned?

Look, Jenny, I know it's hard to explain, but-

Seems simple. It's our last night before break.

You'd rather be barfing with your beer buddies.

- I get the hint, Randy. - No, I wasn't- Okay, you're pissed?

No, I'm not. I am not.

You know, I should thank you.

You finally made it very clear to me where I stand.

Jenny.

I don't want to break up with you. Look, I got you a present.

I know the wrapping's a little primitive, but it's nice. Go ahead, open it.

I'll open it, I'll help.

Okay. There. What do you think?

- A football jersey? - Yeah. Looks great, doesn't it?

Jenny, I wanted to be with you last night.

The guys, they just pushed their way in, and-

Then why didn't you stand up for yourself?

And why don't you ever stand up for me?

- Well, I do. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Like you do with your parents?

- What? - You hide me from your parents.

You told them your roommate's name was Vic.

- Randy, you did. - Jenny, look.

My dad's gonna be pissed with my grades.

It's not good to tell him I'm living with a girl.

So I'm just supposed to be your secret little boy-toy?

You're not my boy-toy. I'm gonna tell them.

- When? - As soon as I see them.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Really?

Really.

Son, sorry I'm late, but the traffic was hell out there.

You ready to go? It's good to...

- Dad. Dad! - ... see you.

Good to see you. You look great. How you been?

Oh, excuse me. I'm Randy's dad. Nice to meet you.

So? What's going on?

- So where's Vic? - Vic...

- Your roommate- - You missed him.

His dad was here. No, you missed him.

- Nice meeting you. - I'll call you, Jenny.

Well, hey. Okay.

- Yeah. - Who was that?

What? Oh, she's my bio tutor.

She thought she left a book here.

- Maybe I better give you a hand. - No, no, that's not- Okay, yeah.

Your mom would've come, but she had a final today.

Final? Final for what?

She's taking a landscape-architecture class.

- She's doing real well too. - That's good, Dad.

Hey, you got a problem?

No, bad latch, Dad. Bad latch.

- So how'd you do? - Do?

- Grades, son. How were the grades? - Oh, well, Dad. That's kind of a...

...subjective thing.

Subjective, huh?

F in geometry. Now, what the hell's so subjective about that?

See, everybody flunks that the first time, Dad.

And this D here, what's that for?

That teacher hates my guts, Dad.

And these "Incs"?

What are these "Incs"?

"Incomplete." It's cool. I can make it up.

Look, Dad, I tried to study. I really did, but things came up.

I'm sorry about school. I won't do it again.

Damn right, you won't. I'm not sending you back.

And no more free ride!

Joe, we agreed for him to have opportunities we never had.

The first Bodek to graduate from college.

People who look like that don't graduate.

I don't think I'm out of line. He's been in school, what, two years?

He does not have a clue what he's doing there!

- He can't declare a, what's it called? - Major.

Major, right. I'll be damned...

...if I'll keep throwing good money after bad money while he's looking like this.

Oh, that's great!

- Don't think this changes a thing! - Don't send me back.

Well, I mean, look.

I mean, you're right.

Okay?

I don't know what I'm doing in school. So I don't go back.

Well, I'll start my real life.

How bad could it be?

Yeah, what kind of cheese you want on that?

- Extra gooey. - No, extra tangy.

- Tangy... - Gooey.

Right.

That's...

...22.

I gotta get back to school.

It's a summer job. What'd you expect?

It's a summer job for you.

This is life for me.

$4.80 an hour. You know, people here from Mexico make more than that.

Yeah. Well, we pay Juan $5.10.

He's got more experience.

I gotta get some training in something.

I wanna work triple shifts. I need to make 9 grand by September.

Oh, 9 grand? Okay, let's see. $4.80 an hour.

Sixteen-hour days, two and a half months, no spending money.

We're looking at about half of what you need.

I think you just better start enjoying the one perk we got here.

- Hi, girls. - Hi.

Can I help you?

Oh, we're thinking.

- We'd like a large Italian. - What?

- A large vegetarian. - Okay.

- And... - And two Diet Cokes, no ice.

Two Diet- No ice.

Here's your number, number 16. We'll be with you in a moment.

Tell me, tell me. Who is that guy?

He's an exchange student from Italy.

- Really? - Oh, really.

Man, I can't believe they go for that Pepé Le Pew shit.

So cute.

Think he's taken?

- Hey, man, that shit works for you. - No.

- Yeah. - No, I'm not interested.

- Oh, come on. Yes! - No. No!

Jenny is 150 miles away. She won't even return your calls. Give it up.

Look alive out here, will you?

- Say you love delivery, right here. - Caught a bad pepperoni.

Such a wise guy.

Okay, Bodek. You're up. Take off.

Hi.

- Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm Randy.

- Robin. - Hi.

What can I do for you?

I was wondering...

- You wanna go out with me sometime? - What?

Well, you know, outside.

I was in the van.

I smiled.

You smiled.

Wait a minute. The guy in the van had a mustache.

Right.

What happened, I...

See, I wear this for my job.

Oh, my God.

You're just a boy.

I'm sorry. I don't date boys.

For what it's worth, I think she made a big mistake.

Took a lot of nerve to go up to a complete stranger and ask her out.

I admire that.

Thanks.

I have to go kill myself now. Excuse me.

Don't take it so personally.

Some women just have limited perspective, that's all.

She didn't even give me a chance to talk.

It was like I was younger, so forget it.

- Well, I know that was unfair. - Yeah.

You know, I've never met a man who shied away from 20-year-old girls.

I don't see the difference, a few years. It's no big deal.

She's just kind of bitchy, that's all.

Do you like clothes?

Yes, yeah.

Here.

Oh, excuse me. It's okay.

- Did that hurt? - No, I'm hardheaded.

Oh, dear. Here. Now, wait, look.

These pads are very important in this jacket.

- All right. - You see?

- Yeah. - Now.

Yeah.

There we are.

Now.

Okay, hold on.

- Oh, that looks wonderful. - Think so? No, that's it.

- Think that's okay? - I think like this.

- Oh, like that? - There, you see? It should be like that.

Oh, you look wonderful. Good enough to go and have some cappuccino.

- Cappuccino? - Would you like some cappuccino?

Me?

Don't worry, I'm not gonna bite you.

Not over coffee anyway.

Are you-? Are you sure?

Okay. Yeah, okay.

Oh, shit! I'm in a red zone.

Look, I really- See, I wanna- Look, I gotta get back to work.

See, I'm the only driver right now. Well, thanks. Will I-?

Will you-? Okay, bye. Nice meeting you.

Bye.

Hey, look, look. I'll move it. I'll move it.

Look. I got- Look. See, I got a delivery. Come on.

I had a letter to Penthouse staring me right in the face, and I let it go.

I mean, this was an incredibly gorgeous woman.

Not a girl, Sal, a woman. A Chanel No. 5 woman-

- Bodek! - Yes.

Got a delivery for Beverly Hills, and the rest go...

...to a stag party in Costa Mesa.

- Extra anchovies? - Costa Mesa? Why from here?

All I know is they did, so move your tail.

I'm here to serve!

Any luggage, sir?

No, pizza.

- Pizza. - What's this?

Excuse me.

Oh, excuse me.

Señor Pizza.

Come in.

Can you put it on the table, please?

Hi.

Hi.

I hope you didn't leave your car in the red zone.

No.

- Please sit down. - Yes, definitely.

Oh, except, see, I got this big delivery to make.

In Costa Mesa?

- Hello? - Hi, Dad.

I'm at a friend's house, and I'm gonna spend the night, okay?

What? Whose?

Just a guy from work, Dad.

- What was that? - What?

- What was that? - Nothing.

- Randy? - Yeah.

Dad, look, I'll see you in the morning, okay?

Yeah, sure, son.

Randy's spending the night at a friend's house.

Well, he's not gonna come here. He's miserable here.

Diane, it's been over two weeks. How long are you gonna keep this up?

Joe, I don't know why you won't give him one more chance at school.

He's had all the chances he's gonna get.

I think he's really sorry. Doesn't look like he's slept in days.

So, Alex...?

Yes, Randy?

You work at Avedon?

I own Avedon, darling.

- Actually, I own all 11 stores. - Wow.

Does that bother you?

No, not at all.

I'm glad, because it bothers some people.

Oh, like who?

Some men find it very wilting.

Not me.

Can I ask you something?

Now, you could just snap your fingers and get any guy you wanted.

I mean, I don't know what I'm doing here.

I mean, you're just so...

I came into town for a few days, and when I saw you in the store...

...I just thought you would be open.

Open?

Yes, I felt you knew how to enjoy yourself.

- Seven times? - Yeah.

Man, that is like wild boars or something.

Well... I mean, that wasn't all we did.

We talked about stuff.

Yeah, right. I mean, I don't believe this.

I mean, I come on to every girl that walks, and they throw up.

You do absolutely nothing...

...and you get Miss "Take Me From Behind on a Trapeze."

Oh, no, no, no. It was nothing like that.

Oh, yeah, right. So you think you're gonna hear from her again?

Yeah.

- Hi, what can I do for you? - I come to see Randy.

Randy. Really?

Somebody here to see you, son.

- Thanks. Yeah, what's up? - It's...

Excuse me.

These are beautiful, no? It make you look very handsome.

This is for me?

It came to you at work, so I bring it myself here.

Is that the fourth one this week, Tony?

These American women, so cheap and easy. All they say is:

"Yes, Tony. Yes, Tony."

You would rather have them say no?

This I would respect.

Well, thanks a lot.

So...

...who was that?

Guy I work with.

- The guy you were with last night? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

What's the story with the coat here?

Oh, he outgrew it and thought I might like it.

Looks brand-new to me.

Well, see, what happened was...

What happened was that he bought it on sale...

...and it was the wrong size.

Oh, I'll get it.

You dropped a...

- Hello? - Hi, it's me.

- Sal, what's up? - Listen.

I just took a delivery order.

Some woman asked for a large Pizza Loco with extra anchovies...

- ... and she wanted you personally. - No!

You're kidding.

"Dear Randy...

...of course, I prefer you naked...

...but if you must wear something, it should be the best.

Love...

...Alex."

- Diane? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Diane...

...our son...

...is a fruit!

Yeah?

All right, I'll be right there. Thanks a lot.

Mom! They need me at work.

Oh, I thought you had the afternoon off!

- What's this? - A guy shows up at the door...

...wearing enough cologne to make me puke.

He gives our son a coat that must cost 500 bucks-

No, no, wait, don't- Joe, don't jump to conclusions.

See, the other driver called in sick.

And they're already swamped with deliveries.

- Don't hold dinner, I might be late. - Okay.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

He never brings girls home to meet us.

He never even talks about girls anymore.

- You think it happens to the other guy. - Joe. Joe.

I could get used to this.

Oh, shit. Sorry.

- That's all right. - Okay.

What I could do with you in Rome in two months, Randy.

What's wrong, darling?

I think you should know that-

Alex, I love being with you and everything. It's just...

...I don't love you.

- You don't? - No. See, I've got this girl, Jenny.

- Yeah? - Back at school.

And we sort of broke up and everything.

But see, I'm gonna...

- But I think I'm gonna- - Randy?

It's okay.

I think I can handle it.

Thanks, Alex.

What's this?

That's the Randy Bodek Scholarship Fund.

Oh, no. Alex.

- I can't. - Why not?

Because it makes me feel...

Randy.

If I was the one who needed money...

...and you had it to give...

- ... would you give it to me? - Yes.

Of course you would.

So, what's the difference?

I'm never gonna see you again, am I?

Be on the lookout for extra anchovies.

Randy?

Joe.

Jumping to conclusions, am I, Diane?

How dare you sneak home in the middle of the day...

- ... to invade your son's privacy. - His privacy?

- His sex life is his own business- - Come on, Diane.

Our son is dressing up in ladies' underwear.

- He needs professional help. - No, he needs...

...sympathetic parents who say they love him.

Let's see your sympathy when he borrows makeup.

- Oh, Joe. - "Oh, Joe."

Oh, God.

Okay. Take the moon.

It's a chunk of rock.

Why does it spin around the Earth?

Why doesn't it just bolt off into space?

Smartest scientists don't understand a billionth of what's going on.

Why should I feel stupid because I don't understand women?

You get all that from a cold pizza, man?

- You're in worse shape than I thought. - I'm serious. So I've saved 270 bucks?

I'm never gonna get Jenny back.

- See, I don't know what to do. - I do. Move your butt.

Says "extra anchovies." Who called it in?

- What do you mean, who? Some lady. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Hold it. - What?

Where's your mustache? I want mustaches worn.

- Sal said I didn't have to wear it. - Sal.

Mustaches, mustaches.

You're bumming me out, man.

Señor Pizza.

Alex?

- Hello. - Hi.

I'm a friend of Alexandra.

It's okay.

What?

Oh, no.

I- No.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's nothing personal.

- I want to die! - Now, come on. Don't talk like that.

Look, it's just been one giant mistake.

Yes, my marriage. Fourteen years of a big mistake.

Hey, come on. It can't be that bad. I mean, look at this house.

What? It's great.

It's a prison.

Okay, why don't you sit down here.

You know, I hope everything works out.

No. No. No!

When I was younger in Japan, I had many boyfriends.

Many proposals of marriage. But no, I wanted to marry American.

Be American woman with American freedom and opportunity.

But my husband, he treats me like a geisha.

Well, I'm not a geisha!

I'm a computer analyst!

Look, I'm sorry, but I gotta get going here.

He treats me like his slave.

And now...

...when I finally get the courage to do something for myself...

...even you, professional, you refuse me.

- No, see, I'm not a professional. - I want to die.

Stop it.

- No, no, no, no. Not like that. - What?

- That's my husband's way. - I'm sorry, I thought that-

I have a fantasy.

Take me.

Take me.

- Take me! - Yes, okay.

Okay. It's all right.

Yes, ma'am. Absolutely. And thank you very much.

Hey, Bodek, you are really quite the popular guy, aren't you?

Look at this. Look at this. You got a bunch of deliveries here.

Hey, Juan! Break me out one of those big cans of anchovies, will you?

Oh, my goodness.

- What the hell is going on? - That last delivery wasn't Alex.

I figured so. You got five more calls, all women, all extra anchovies.

Four of them scheduled deliveries for later this week!

I just couldn't say no. Alex? She just insisted.

And then Kyoko. Kyoko, it was like...

...I was defending the American way.

It's taking me a second to get this.

Beautiful women actually pay you $200 apiece to sleep with them?

Yeah! I didn't want to take their money.

They were nice people. They wouldn't take no for an answer.

Okay, well, what about the others?

Call them back and say there are no more anchovies.

I can't! They didn't leave names or numbers, only addresses.

Three of them are motels in the Valley.

I cannot believe Alex would do this to me.

Who knows? Right now your name and number could be on every wall...

...of every ladies' room from Chinoise to Le Dôme, man.

You could be the love doctor of Beverly Hills!

I don't wanna be the love doctor of Beverly Hills!

- You're going. - I am not going.

No.

What do you think, Joe? Portable home-security systems.

I pick them up in Tokyo for a buck and a quarter, sell them here for $40.

Ain't that something?

It's great. It's really great.

I got 20,000 of these waiting to go into the warehouse as soon as you build it.

- Right. Right. - Excuse me, Mr. Bodek.

- Yes, Linda? - Mr. Rubelinski's calling.

Tell him I'll call him back.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I spend the night in your trailer tonight?

They're painting my apartment, and the fumes are-

No problem.

Look, Linda, you sure you'll be safe down here?

Yeah. I can take care of myself.

Hey, that's not bad. Porking her?

I'm a happily married man, Harry.

At least, I used to be.

Does this kid look like a fruit to you?

You can't tell these days.

I think I'm entitled to be a little concerned here.

I've tried to talk to the wife. She won't listen.

Shit. You never get treated that way with an Oriental woman.

Great sex.

No lip.

I'm married to one.

- Yeah? - Damn right.

I heard this story once from this guy back in New York.

This guy was late for work, and he sees his bus leaving the stop.

His Oriental wife runs into the street...

...jumps right in front of it and stops it for him.

That's what marriage is all about, you ask me.

What happened to the wife?

What?

The wife. When she jumped in front of the bus.

You're never gonna get it, are you?

I want another chance. My life is a mess without you.

Yeah, I know.

I'm not ashamed of you.

I'm proud.

I'm gonna tell my parents about you.

I want them to meet you. Their 20th anniversary is at the end of the month.

And what about your father?

I don't care what my father thinks. I know my mom's gonna love you.

Look, just don't say no until you think about it.

Oh, no.

Mr. Bodek.

Mr. Bodek?

Mr. Bodek, you can't stay here. You've gotta go.

Oh, God.

Please? Please wake up.

Mom?

What are you doing up? Where's Dad?

- I don't know. We had a fight. - About me?

Mom, I'm sorry.

Don't worry.

You know, I bet he just crashed out on the sofa bed at the office.

Yeah, you're probably right.

- Good night. - Okay, good night.

Oh, Diane...

- Linda! - Mr. Bodek?

What are you doing here?

I told you they're painting my place, remember?

- No! Oh, my head. It's killing- - I'm sorry.

- Linda, we didn't, you know-? - No, you came in here.

- I couldn't even move you. - Thank God!

Listen, nobody will believe that we just slept here.

- Yeah, no- - No, it's okay.

- It's okay. - It's okay.

There's nobody here yet. We're safe. We're safe.

We're safe as long as we don't ever let anybody know about this.

- I won't. - Ever. Okay?

- Okay, I won't say a word. I promise. - Okay.

- No! Don't! - Mr. Bodek's office.

Linda?

It's your wife!

Hey, Bodek!

Look who's here.

Goofing off on the job, huh?

- What do you want, Jory? - I wanna give you my order, Rander.

I'll have a Taco Macho.

Extra lettuce. Extra cheese.

A large Coke.

And Jenny's phone number.

You'll never get back to school. I might as well get a hop on it.

- Listen, asshole, stay away from her. - Go ahead, no-dick. Take a shot.

Come on, mellow out. Take a number and sit down.

- You just lost your tip. - Geek.

Let's see, 9000 plus the 400 you just made, divided by 200...

- What are you doing? - Let's see, that's only 43 women.

- Señor Pizza. - It's about time.

Sorry.

Put it down.

Not on the plant.

So?

So...

You want me to fix you a drink or something?

If I wanted a drink, I would have hired a bartender.

- Could you help me with this? - Sure.

- Shit. - What's the matter?

Hang on.

Don't move. My lip is caught in the zipper.

- What? - My lip is caught in the zipper.

I don't believe this.

Good God! What kind of a professional lover are you?

Just- Just take your clothes off.

- Are you crazy? People can see! - Fine. I want them to.

Look, if something's bothering you, maybe this isn't the best time.

If something's bothering me? Of course something's bothering me!

- Do you know what this is? - Looks-

Wrong! It's my husband's beeper.

Have you heard of him? Dr. Reed Palmer?

I thought the son of a bitch was a saint with all his late-night emergency calls.

I found out he's been screwing some nympho RN on the graveyard shift!

Hey, hey, come on. Calm down.

You know, two can play at this game.

- You wait till I tell my husband. - Your husband?

- Come on. - You can't do it.

Oh, God.

- Is this okay? - Oh, good. It's really good.

- Oh, it feels weird. - Doesn't feel weird to me.

- You sure? - You're great at this.

Thanks.

- Joyce? - Yes?

Now, how did you get my number?

- Oh, at my salon, why? - Your sal-?

I'm sorry.

It's all right. I'm a little rusty myself.

- You really like dancing to this stuff? - Yeah, sure. A lot of women do.

You know, if you learned, I bet your clients would really appreciate it.

You know, Reed hasn't taken me dancing-

Since we were in med school.

I know this is probably against your professional code...

...but can I ask a personal question?

Sure.

It's just that this isn't what I imagined.

I was angry, and I wanted to get back at my husband.

And I guess I kind of expected a sort of:

"Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am."

- But you're not like that at all. - No.

Hey, I'm having a great time!

You're worth every penny.

Honey!

I'm home!

We really need to talk, son.

Hi, sweetheart.

Honey, I got you some flowers, and I just thought we could talk-

Two, three, four.

Six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four.

Five, six, seven.

Hey, son!

Thought you might want to check out the annual football issue.

Look, smell.

No, smell it.

It's got a nice smell to it. I kind of like it.

Hey, catch!

Hey, you still got it.

Sad.

Really, very sad.

Jen? Yeah.

Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what you said back at school.

About how I don't know how to treat a woman.

Well...

...you're right.

But I am working on it.

Okay, I got it.

Oh, man!

Excuse me.

So how have you been? It's good to see you. Okay...

Sorry.

Excuse me.

This is the best part right here. Get ready for this.

I tried EST, and I shared all that I could.

Then I bought the crystals.

Finally, I tried channeling, so I find out who I am 1000 years ago.

But I need to know who I am today.

And don't forget to order extra anchovy.

Please think about coming over to my parents'...

...for the anniversary next week.

Come on. At least pick up the phone.

Okay.

But I still love you.

Bye-bye.

So how are we doing?

Well, less expenses, which is...

- ... $6879.32. - Hey, that's not bad.

It's gonna get a lot better too. We now take all major credit cards.

- What? - Oh, come on.

These women haven't touched cash in years.

Now they don't have to go to the bank or explain mysterious withdrawals.

There'll be a record.

Charged to Señor Pizza. The bridge club ordered in.

- I don't like it. - I do the books at the store.

Who's gonna know?

Hold on, let me just get-

Looks good.

Stop it.

Don't stop.

- Hi. - Hi.

Señor Pizza, with extra anchovies.

Great. Right here is fine.

Right here?

Well, sure.

Leslie! Julie!

Come on, kids! Pizza's here.

Get the extra anchovies, Mom?

Well, I sure did. Come on.

So you did these, huh?

- What are they, mountains? - Anatomical landscapes.

That one's a shoulder. That one is a neck.

That's a bicep, the one with the egg there.

Another shoulder.

- So these are all parts of a guy? - They're my husband.

He's a bodybuilder. Mr. California Olympian '84.

So does he still look like that?

No. He's much bigger now.

Look, maybe I shouldn't be here.

Don't worry. He won't be home for hours. He's into private instruction.

Very private.

I'm sorry.

All day, he works on starlets with little Barbie-doll hard bodies.

Why should he want to come home to this?

I would come home.

No, you should see these girls. All they do is eat kelp and drink spritzers.

And here I am with my cigarette and my drink.

I can't help it if I like a shot of tequila once in a while.

I like actual food, not fiber.

Fuck fiber. I want grease, red meat. I got pork chops hidden in the freezer.

And my husband's in the perfect-body business. It's like a joke.

- Maybe he likes you the way you are. - Yeah, right.

Wanna see what he got me for my birthday?

Is that, like, a hint or what?

Well, I don't think that was a hint.

- Okay, smile. - Oh, no. Please. Please.

National Cellulite Contest isn't until next week, okay?

That's good.

Smile. Oh, so sexy.

- Yes. And how foolish- - Great.

Okay, relax and releasing into the photo experience.

And breathe and say yes to the photo experience.

Don't make me look vulnerable. Forbidden quality.

Certain dignity. Anything?

- A pastrami burrito, nachos alfredo- - Hey!

A Diet Coke.

Randy Bodek?

You been messing with my wife?

Multiple fractures, internal hemorrhaging.

- We need immediate x-rays. - It's too late for that!

We've got to open him right up.

Whatever you say, Dr. Palmer.

- Dr. Palmer. Dr. Reed Palmer? - That's right, Randy.

I believe you know my wife.

No anesthetic!

- We need 12 units of BHT. - And we need a bucket for the blood.

- All right, flash cards, everybody. - Flash cards in place.

- Hello? - Hi, honey!

Joe.

- Is it raining? - Yeah, we got a shower going here.

Joe, who was that?

- Think you could foot the bill? - He couldn't handle the two of us.

Oh, just a couple of hookers.

Look, I don't know what time-

Well, I can't find anything physically wrong.

Joyce, I'm not making this up. I have pains in my chest.

I know you're not making this up.

I think it's caused from stress.

Have you been upset or had emotional problems lately?

I can't believe it, right before our 20th anniversary.

How am I going to get through that party when I know?

And it isn't just his secretary.

This time, he admitted he was with hookers.

And I swear, the son of a bitch called from a shower stall.

Well, at least my husband has the brains to invent some excuse.

I mean, we had our ups and downs...

...just like everybody else.

But we were happy. I know we were.

How about sexually?

Great. Great, you know, until recently.

Oh, God, it's all my fault.

That your husband is having affairs? Diane.

Joyce! What am I gonna do?

I know what you're going through.

Believe me, I know what you're going through.

What is that? A prescription?

Kind of.

Penny for them?

Nothing.

- I've been having nightmares. - About what?

- Husbands. - Me too.

No. I mean, like, maybe I shouldn't be doing this.

Randy.

- Nobody's going to find out. - Yeah, well.

- You parked in the back, right? - Yeah.

Besides, Harry never comes home. He's downtown all day. Every day.

Kyoko?

God, it's Harry!

Pumpkin!

Where you at?

- Harry. - I don't believe it.

I got 1000 crates of those talking robots, sitting on the dock!

I just find out I lost a week on the warehouse.

Oh, no.

City forgot to inform us...

...there's a little water main that goes right through my goddamn lot.

- I'm so sorry. - That doesn't help.

I'll get you something to eat. Are you hungry?

Wish I could take a bath in the middle of the afternoon.

Harry.

Harry.

I know something's wrong.

You've been acting strange for weeks.

You've been too freaking cheerful.

I always use rose petals in my bath.

Since when?

Harry.

Let me fix you a drink.

Intruder! Intruder!

Trespasser! Trespasser!

Bad boy! Bad boy!

Very bad! Very bad boy!

I'm pissed on you!

Pissed on you, boy!

Hey, is somebody up there?

Of course not.

Don't you want your gin and tonic?

Harry.

Baby, baby, baby. What's the matter? Why are you crying?

Intruder alert! Trespasser!

Intruder alert!

Intruder alert! Trespasser!

Trespasser! Bad boy!

Bad dude! Bad dude!

Those things go off all the time! Face it, Harry. They're junk.

Junk! Harry Bruckner does not buy junk!

Now, where is your guy? He's in there, huh?

Your storeroom. How should I know?

Never mind.

There's other ways of finding out who your guy is.

Probably one of your old boyfriends. There's the one from Yokohama...

Harry!

- You have no right! - Right!

Well, he's not here now. But he was here today, wasn't he?

Mr. Rose-on-the-Pillow. Let me see that.

Two-hour appointment with Dr. Palmer this morning. House call. Right?

I knew that son of a bitch was porking his patients. I knew it!

Goodbye, Harry.

Relax, Mr. Chapman.

You're in good hands with Dr. Palmer.

Haven't had any complaints yet.

Have we, Darlene?

Son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch!

Move it! Get out of my way!

I didn't know Darlene was married. She never told me.

Who the hell is Darlene?

- Fred Astaire tipped me off. - What?

Joyce used to love to go dancing.

Something was up when I saw those old records out.

- The roses in her dresser were the- - Roses. You too?

This guy's got some line of bullshit.

How come you didn't give it to her then?

I don't know. I'd been fooling around with Darlene.

- I figured maybe it was only fair. - Bullshit.

Right! Bullshit!

There. There it is. Right there.

See, I noticed she gets these roses every Tuesday.

That's the day this joker comes by.

Personal fitness trainer.

Let's get that bastard.

Come on out here!

You have been porking my wife!

I see them moving around in there. Come on out, little weasel!

All right.

Great! This is all I need.

You guys are robbing my house.

My wife's having an affair.

What the hell?

Go ahead.

Buddy?

Big, big buddy?

Your wife is having an affair?

"Extra anchovies."

- Randy, what is wrong? - Tony.

A lot of these girls you've been seeing, they've got boyfriends, don't they?

- Of course. Husbands sometimes. - Well, have any of them found out...

- ... and came after you or anything? - Of course.

In Genova, a husband come after me with a butcher knife.

We fight. We fight, and I hit him to the ground. I bite his ear off.

He don't bother me no more.

Great.

Wilshire Motel? Extra anchovies? No problem. Enjoy-

No, no! There's a husband out there who wants to kill me. I wanna retire!

- Hold it! - What?

Listen, you're exactly one romantic interlude away from the jackpot.

- One? - Do you have one left in you? One!

One. One, yes.

Forty-three! Seventy-six, hike. Go!

Here you go, Mrs. Smith, Room 214. Other side of the pool.

Thank you.

Hello?

Are you Sal?

- Yeah. - I'm Jenny.

Oh, Randy's Jenny? I thought you were in Santa Barbara.

Randy invited me to his parents' party.

- I thought you guys broke up. - Well, we did but...

He's not seeing anybody else, is he?

- Seeing? No. - He's seeing somebody else.

No, he's not! Trust me. He's gonna die when he sees you.

Why don't you have something to eat.

Fine. I'll...

I'll have a Pizza Loco.

Like extra anchovies on that?

No. Does anybody?

Are you kidding? Oh, yeah. It's the hottest item all summer.

It's kind of a female thing around here.

555-8411.

Yeah, hello, look. I called earlier to order the pizzas with extra anchovy.

- Wilshire Motel? - Yeah, that's right. I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to cancel that order.

Too late. It's on its way.

I'm afraid you don't understand.

You see, I don't think I can eat the anchovies.

I'm a married woman.

For all I care, you can throw it out the window.

You order it, you pay!

No! Hello!

Ice. Get some ice.

Hello?

Hello?

Last one.

Hey, hey, come here.

Bring the little fish. Okay. Good, good. Come on! Come on!

Okay, okay. Look out! Move over!

- Mommy, can I have a piece of pizza? - Maybe later.

Somebody in there?

Hello?

Bye!

Hey, Jen. All right.

Jory. How are you?

- You're looking good- - Someone called.

- Your mom's been in an accident. - Good.

She's in the hospital!

Get out of my face, will you?

Tell her why you don't want me to talk to her.

Go ahead. Tell her.

Tell her Randy's making it with some lady old enough to be my mother.

Come on, Jen. Let's get out of here.

Hey, Tony! I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need a really-

I need a really big favor.

Randy, what is wrong now?

You gotta deliver this to the Wilshire Motel, Room 214.

But it is all broken. The tip will be very small.

Don't worry about the tip.

You gotta tell the woman that you're very sorry.

There are no more anchovies. She should go home and forget about it.

- But we have many anchovies. - Yeah, I know. Just do it.

Okay.

You son of a bitch!

Listen, man, I tried to tell her. She wouldn't listen!

How could you? What kind of amoral chump are you?

- I wouldn't call it amoral. - It's the sickest thing I've ever heard!

Oh, come on. I tried to cover for you. I honestly did.

Then Jory got to her.

Jory got to my mother?

- God! That is aw- - No!

- Jenny! - Jenny?

- She's here? - Yes.

Where is she? What did she say?

Does she want to get back together? This is great.

Not, not really.

Hello, I-

If you say another word, I swear to God, I'll lose my nerve.

- Diane! - No. Dad?

- Did a girl named Jenny call? - No.

Son, I think your mother is gonna divorce me.

- What? - I think your mother has left.

- You mean she's not back yet? - Back from where?

- From wherever she went. - No.

And tonight of all nights.

At a party where every person we know...

...is gonna watch a marriage of 20 years go down the tube.

- No! - Yes.

- I bet she went to Tiki Joe's. - Tiki Joe's?

To check on the last-minute details. You know how she gets!

- I'm gonna stop her. - What?

Help her. While you get ready to go. Okay! Oh, good.

Get ready!

You are very beautiful.

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

I thought I could.

- But I just can't. - I have respect for this.

Oh, well, thank you. That's very nice of you.

- You are not cheap and easy. - No. I tried, but it's just not me.

- Forget pizza. I buy you real dinner. - No.

Dinner and a movie.

- No. Thank you, no. - I pay!

No! Look, I don't want to sleep with you or date you.

I just want to leave now.

- You mean, you say no to me? - Yes, I say no and goodbye.

- You cannot leave. - Oh, $200 dollars, right?

No, it's $ 12.50. I give you coupon discount.

You give coupons?

Not for everyone. A privilege.

You are not the regular American woman.

And I am not the regular delivery boy.

Oh, my God. You're not?

No. He asked me to come here...

...and say we have no more anchovies.

But I cannot lie to you, my darling.

- I have many anchovies for you- - Oh, no! No! Please!

Oh, this is a horrible mistake. I'm so-

Oh, my God! Oh, you're just some- Oh, my God!

You cannot not leave. Wait!

My anniversary party. Oh, Joe's already there.

Oh, God! All those people!

Wait!

- I'm such a jerk. - Come on, Jenny.

I was so stupid to come here without calling first. What was I thinking?

I hate to say it, but the guy never appreciated you.

I was just starting to get over him too.

Jen, don't be so hard on yourself.

I mean, so you made a mistake. Big deal.

You're a terrific person.

You have everything going for you. Hey, come on.

Onward and upward, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess, I-

- Jory! - You know, we'd be good together.

- Get off me! - We both need it.

Get off!

Stop!

Stop! Stop!

Thank you so much.

You have just saved my life. This guy was...

- No funny cash withdrawals. - Me neither.

Sleazeball's a pro. He's gotta be paid somehow.

- Well, he wouldn't accept credit cards. - Hold it.

I've got three charges for deliveries from someplace called Señor Pizza.

So?

Sold for 200 bucks a pop. And Monica hates pizza.

Wait a minute.

- I got five of those. - Oh, no.

No, Jesus Christ!

- I love you! - Go away!

- Are you crazy? You'll be killed! - I don't care.

- I will die for your love! - Move your hand!

- I love you! - Move that hand!

I love you!

He's probably some young beach-boy stud. With a name like Jason...

Yeah, some poetry-reading wimp.

Whoever he is, he's gonna get his face stomped.

- Where's Tony? - Tony?

He never came back from his break. Sal's on delivery. I'm all alone.

- Randy? - Jenny.

You look different.

Since when do you notice that?

I see you've changed your style.

Oh, yes, I have.

- I missed you. - Did you?

Yes.

You bitch! Nobody plays with me like that-

- Leave her alone! - You and me, bozo!

All right! Outside! Outside!

Take it outside! Come on. Come on.

- Don't do this. - Jenny, stay out of it.

- No watches and no rings. - No chains.

It's got extra everything. Sausages and the jalapeño peppers-

Where's your delivery guy?

Out... Out back.

Where you going? Hey, wait a minute. Where you-?

Come on, come on.

- Randy, can we just get out of here? - This is something I gotta do.

What are you, chicken? What are you waiting for?

Jeez!

Hey, wait! Wait!

You're Joe Bodek's son!

Yeah.

Okay. All right.

I'm Randy Bodek.

Hey, what is this? Leave him alone! It's not him.

He's a homo!

All right, Bodek. You ready to get your ass kicked?

Oh, no.

I'm talking to him.

Your stud days are over, pretty boy!

Right in the face!

Okay, let's go!

- What is going on? - It's a long story.

Your luggage, pal. Luggage!

- Cocktail, Mr. Bodek? - Yeah, why not?

Hi. How y'all doing?

Hey, Joe, congratulations. Where's the better half?

Wish I knew.

Oh, my God!

What do you think of your lover-boy now?

He's delivered his last pizza around here.

Who is this?

Pizza? Looking for the guy who delivers pizza?

Well, it wasn't exactly how I planned to spend my summer.

Just happened.

You hate me?

How am I supposed to feel, knowing that you slept with all those women?

Well, see, the weird thing is, I didn't sleep with all of them.

They wanted somebody to make them feel special.

Come on.

There are a lot of women out there who don't believe in love anymore.

You know, all they wanted was a little romance and a little respect.

So I tried to give them what they missed.

You did all this for them?

No! I did it because I had to pay my own tuition.

You know.

Because I had to get back to you.

And how would you feel if I said:

"I slept with all these guys this summer, but, hey...

...I did it for you"?

I'd hate it.

Just take me to the bus station.

Okay.

- I just have to make one stop first. - Where?

Well, I gotta save my parents' marriage.

Hey!

That woman nuts?

That's my mother!

- Hello. Diane? - Hi, hi, hi.

- Randy! - Eyes front.

Hey!

- Who was that? - I'm okay. I'm okay.

Joe!

Oh, Joe! Oh, Joe!

- Joe, I'm so sorry. - No, honey, I am so sorry.

- I am so sorry. - Later, Linda.

- See, your husband- - No problem, Linda. Okay?

- Go away. Go away! Go away! - Joe.

Okay. Okay.

Hi, I'm Brad. Frosty beverage?

No. No frosty beverage.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Look out!

So this is the man who stands between us.

Tony! Tony! What are you doing here?

- I need to speak with you. - But-

Now look, I've been thinking this over.

- I'm your father. - I know.

You're my son and I love you, and it's really okay that you're gay.

- Gay? - What?

I don't think this is the place for your lover to make a scene.

- Lover? - What are you talking about?

I know all about you and this guy Alex, here.

- But I'm Tony. - You're who?

I meet this woman when I deliver pizza for him.

For you?

- You're the regular delivery boy? - Yeah, see-

- So, what is this guy doing here? - Well-

- I love her. - What did you say?

- She needs a real man. - Oh, no.

- Are you talking to me? - Dad!

- No, no. Wait, Dad! Dad! - No! No! No!

- He better be in there, kid. - Yeah, he better.

Joe! Joe! Joe!

Come on. Come on. Calm down.

There he is! That's him!

- Randy! - What?

- I'm gonna kill you. - Come on.

Come here. You come here. I'm gonna teach you a lesson.

No!

I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Oh, Felicia.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

You son of a bitch!

My favorite toupee!

Mom! Excuse me.

Let me in there.

Kid, you're gone. Your days are numbered.

He's getting away!

Come here.

All right. What the hell is all this?

- Your son has been porking my wife! - Mine too.

Same here.

- I thought you were gay! - No!

Mom!

Mom, I don't believe this!

Hold it, you three. Hold it right there.

- Oh, wait. Wait. Mom? Dad? - Yes.

Excuse me.

This is Jenny. We've been living together for two semesters.

And I'm in love with her.

You have no idea how happy I am to meet you.

- It's nice to meet you. - Beautiful.

- How pretty you are. - Thank you.

- This is great. - This is beautiful.

- Come on, let's go. - Go.

- Frosty beverage? - Thank you.

- So you're a friend of his? - Best friend.

There's this song. It goes:

That's it! Can you play that?

- Come on. - I don't know.

Come on.

Jenny, I'm gonna give the money back.

I don't want it. I'm gonna keep my day job.

I'm gonna come and see you on weekends.

Forget about it. You're going back to college.

You got some idea what you're doing.

Oh, I do. I want to major in premed...

...minor in Japanese, study some photography courses...

- I think we'll talk about this tomorrow. - Okay.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Where did you learn this? Never mind.

I don't want to know.

Oh, by the way, the husbands?

Their wives did show up to bail them out.

Claude and Monica, they decided to forget the whole thing.

Joyce and Reed, well, they weren't gonna forget anything.

But they decided to make up anyway.

Kyoko was gonna bail out Harry.

Then it hit her, "Why ruin a good thing?"

Hey, get your hands off of me!

I want to talk to my wife!