Original subtitles

"Go to middle school," they said.

"It'll be the best years of your life," they said.

"It'll be fun," they said.

Does it look like I'm having fun?

Absolutely not!

No fun! Zero out of ten!

Would not recommend!

I've been in middle school for two whole days,

and so far, it's been incredibly, terribly...

weird.

♪ upbeat rock music playing ♪

But let's back up a day or two.

Hi. My name is AJ

and I hate school.

Here goes nothing.

Don't do it, AJ! Don't jump!

This is certain dog-induced death.

Death seems unlikely, Ryan.

I'm going for "slightly maimed"

just so I miss the first few weeks of school

until I can figure out a more permanent solution.

- Lex, you getting this? - You know I am.

Arlo Jervis Williams back at it again

with another attempt to injure himself out of school.

That's dedication, y'all.

AJ, seriously. Let's just climb down.

You know how I feel about heights.

And that dog could be rabid.

Interesting. Rabies.

You know, that could keep me out the whole year.

You'd also go mad and die a slow, painful death.

Is middle school really gonna be this bad?

Whoa! Did you see that?

A shooting star during the day.

Eh. Doesn't translate.

Make a wish.

Would it be so bad

to give the first day a try to see how it goes?

And avoid the rabies.

You know what?

Maybe this isn't the best idea I've ever had.

Smart.

Yeehaw!

Lex!

Who's a good girl?

You're a good girl. Yes, you are!

- Hey! Good girl. - Huh.

I guess that plan was flawed for a number of reasons.

Can, uh... Can someone get me down?

We made it, boys. Mid Dell Middle School.

Putting the "mid" in middle school since 1962.

Say what's up to my phone!

- Hey. - Hey.

As the only member of this friend group with a phone,

it is my duty to document our middle school experience.

Not true. I have a phone.

Bruh, that is not a phone.

Yeah. I know.

Come on, Mid Dell Middle! Let's go!

453, 454...

I've got you. Mr. Jones, help the kids.

- We've gotta move them in, in! - Why is that adult screaming?

Come on! Let's move! Please!

We should leave.

Faster kids pick up the slower kids.

Let's go! In, in, in!

For the love of Sha'Carri Richardson!

- What are you guys doing? - Faster!

- Come on, everybody! - Sorry.

I'm not trying to get bullied by an old person today.

Hey! You!

You're the last person! Please!

Quick, three , two...

Before the school bell--

Oh!

What is your name?

AJ.

Well, KJ, my name is Mr. Klutz,

and I'm your new principal.

And you didn't get inside by the first bell,

which means I lost the bet.

The bet?

I had a bet with the students

that if everybody made it here on time,

I would get to shave my head

and then paint it the school colors.

And you wanted to do that?

Enough.

Welcome to school, CJ.

Okay. Not the best start.

♪ mellow pop music playing ♪

Maybe it'll get better.

First day of school fit check!

Whoo!

Okay, slay!

♪ Feeling the bass through the amplifier ♪

Pajamas on the first day.

- Very brave. - Watch it!

If you wanna be a trendsetter,

you have to be fearless.

Comfort is fashion, kids.

Don't say I didn't tell you.

Mark my words.

Everyone is gonna dress like me by end of the month.

Yeah.

♪ calming music playing ♪

Hey.

Cool.

Are you a teacher?

Nah. Fourth-year eighth grader.

Give or take a few years.

So that would make you...

Dubois only speaks French.

If she only speaks French, how are we supposed to learn...

Of course. Her.

How to describe Andrea Young?

Mortal enemy?

I took a few hours of tutoring over the summer.

Bane of my existence.

One hundred six, to be precise.

Super annoying.

♪ gentle music playing ♪

Did I say that out loud?

I don't know French yet. That's why I'm in French class.

You're such an evolutionary step backwards.

Bet you can't call me that in French.

Bet you don't know what that means in English.

I know what elevation is, Andrea.

Not my best comeback.

When's lunch?

♪ Everybody in my line getting chickpeas ♪

♪ Chickpeas Chi-chi-chickpeas ♪

♪ Everybody in my line getting chickpeas ♪

♪ Chickpeas Chi-chi-chickpeas ♪

♪ Everybody in my line... ♪

Thank you.

You want more chickpeas?

Take your chickpeas.

Well, I'll give you some more.

What was that?

I think it's a millennial thing.

I didn't love it.

She gave me twice as many chickpeas as she gave you.

Dude, I think she's just passionate about peas.

Good day, students.

This is Principal Klutz speaking.

The staff and I are very excited to welcome you

all back to school.

Remember to keep that energy positive,

and enjoy the day.

And I'm going to enjoy my chicken sandwich.

Yeah, and I'm gonna stick to chips.

LeBron's in the paint. No time on the clock. He shoots.

He sinks it!

Ah! Yeah!

No!

No score!

Ms. Lazar, janitor.

And you need to break it down.

Uh... What?

B-B-B-B-Break it down!

♪ Separate your trash ♪

♪ Or we'll kick you in the... ♪

♪ Butt ♪

♪ We work together ♪

♪ To make the world a little better ♪

Go, LaGrange! Whoo!

Flies inside?

Unacceptable!

Let's do this!

Get the flies!

Whack! Missed!

Okay.

Well, Ms. Lazar is--

Lovely.

I was gonna say bizarre.

And Lunch Lady LaGrange is...

A little strange.

Get the flies!

Yes! Finally! Gym is next!

You know, middle school can take my recess,

but they will never take my physical education.

Who's up for some dodgeball?

♪ calm meditation music playing ♪

Where's the teacher?

Hello, class.

Whoa!

Welcome...

to the essentials of physical education.

My name is Mr. Small

and I will be your guide on--

Okay, okay. Oh.

Hold...

I will be your guide on this fruitful journey to--

Okay. Uh...

This isn't working. Just...

Okay.

Come on. Get off of me!

Namaste.

Color-changing bulbs.

Pretty cool, huh?

Red light therapy can increase focus...

...and boost mood.

You should know now this class will not be easy.

It will take resilience,

fortitude...

...and...

and absolute...

patience.

Wow.

That was intense.

And a lot of core strength and sweat.

But if you commit to your practice,

by the end of this semester,

you will...

be able to do this.

Oh my gosh.

Everyone grab a yoga ball!

Align your pelvis.

Rotate your obliques.

Breathe through your pyramidalis.

My pyramidal-what?

It's the muscle that lies between

the anterior surface of the rectus abdominis

and the rectus sheath.

Rectus sheath? I knew that.

Now, hold that pose

and repeat today's mantra after me.

I am inhaling peace.

Inhale peace.

Exhale fear.

This isn't gym, this is ridiculous.

Do you have a question, Mister...?

AJ. Yeah. Um, I was just wondering

when real gym was gonna start?

You know, sports, games.

Hey, who's up for some dodgeball?

Class, continue practicing on your own.

AJ...

let's bounce.

I got an idea.

Why don't you go home

and you think of your own mindfulness meditation.

A mantra that speaks to you.

And then tomorrow

you come to me during first break

and you will guide me.

So you're giving me gym homework?

Is it homework?

Or is it work

for the home of your mind?

I think I ruptured my pyramidalis.

♪ "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger playing ♪

"Change your mindset"?

Who does he think he is taking away gym.

The one good thing we have in this pit of misery.

I thought the other teachers were out to get me.

This guy is on another level.

Some of this is on you, AJ.

You're not even trying.

Well, you're not the one who has to do homework in gym.

Well, maybe you should consider doing it.

I'm sorry, AJ, but I think we would all benefit

from you changing your mindset.

Ryan, come on.

We still playing Planet Destroyer VI later?

Update's coming out.

Yeah, obviously.

But first I need to ice my pyramidalis.

I'm not crazy, right?

Today was just a weird day. Tomorrow will be better.

Come on. Let's go.

- I hope Ryan's okay. - Oh, yeah.

He'll get over it. Don't worry.

♪ I wanna publish 'zines ♪

♪ And rage against machines ♪

♪ song distorts, mutes, and turns eerie ♪

Wonderful.

♪ Paranoia, paranoia ♪

♪ Everybody's coming to get me ♪

♪ I'm not sick but I'm not well ♪

♪ song fades, transitions to rock music playing ♪

So, Ryan, I've decided

I'm going to have a new outlook today.

Really? You're gonna change your mindset?

No, I was thinking about what Mr. Small said

about when you learn to control minds,

anything is possible.

I don't think that's how he said it.

So I Googled it

and that took me to a wikiHow article

which led me to a YouTube channel

where some guy named Tarantula

taught me the miraculous art of hypnosis.

You really sure this is the way to go?

Absolutely. It's incredible.

- I don't know, AJ. - I'm telling you, it works.

I tried it on Francisco this morning.

You hypnotized your fish?

- Uh-huh. - Ha, ha!

You guys think you're so funny.

- Hand it back. - Huh?

Don't know what you're talking about.

So you took my phone, I get it,

it's hilarious, but give it back.

Still no idea what you're talking about.

Wait, so neither of you have it?

Where is it then?!

Good morning, children.

Oh, good morning, Principal Klutz.

I see you're not screaming this morning. That's nice.

Good morning, children.

Uh, we did the "good morning" part already.

Uniforms.

- Uniforms? - Yes.

Please put them on your bodies.

All children must wear uniforms on their bodies

at all times.

Knee highs? Kind of a slay.

Yes. Slay.

♪ "Crybaby" by PLAYE playing ♪

Is this a new policy?

Why wasn't this mentioned on the first day?

That is so tight around my nether regions.

This can't be healthy.

It's giving bagpipe player.

New light bulbs. Ultra LED fluorescents.

What's with the puke-green lighting?

Super efficient...

Um. Ms. Lazar, did anyone turn in a phone?

Hm?

Oh, everyone will turn in a phone.

No, not my phone.

Please don't.

Bruh, that is not a phone.

Oh, come on! It's not even good enough to be confiscated?

You're pathetic.

Okay.

♪ You're such a crybaby ♪

♪ Make me crazy, baby, baby ♪

Please hand over your electronics.

They are no longer allowed on your person

during school hours.

New rules that I am in charge of enforcing.

Principal Klutz designated me the new student hall monitor.

Typical.

Give me your phones and computers.

We're using traditional printed textbooks now.

What's a textbook?

♪ eerie music playing ♪

Good morning, class.

She's speaking English?

Yeah. Weird.

Today, we will be learning a new language.

Cuneiforms!

Open your books.

Wonderful.

Repeat after me.

Aba-batoo.

Aba-batoo.

Not adequate!

Everyone.

Aba-daba-doo!

Ack-ack-ack-ack!

I think I liked it better when she spoke... French.

Aki-ka-ka!

Aki-ka-ka...

School seems... different today.

Yeah, the teachers are acting kinda freaky.

Not just the teachers.

Teachers are always on best behavior on day one.

Then, bam, they show you who they really are.

Students will now go to their last free period.

Enjoy it while you can.

Slay!

My students respect me.

My faculty respects me.

My wife respects me.

Why?! Ow!

Hi, AJ.

Just... doing my daily mindfulness meditation.

Please, join me.

Thank you, Mr. Small.

I'm excited to share mine.

You are? Of course. Uh...

Please have a seat.

We're gonna start by closing our eyes.

Relaxing our bodies.

Good, Mr. Small. Good.

Take a few breaths here.

And I want you to imagine a warm wave of surrender

washing over you.

That's beautiful, AJ.

Now when I snap my fingers,

you will open your eyes

and focus on the reusable straw.

Look at the straw.

Now repeat after me.

When I wake up,

I will be a regular gym teacher...

- Are you... - ...who likes sports and games.

...trying to hypnotize me?

Every day will be dodgeball day.

Okay, that's enough. You're coming with me.

Is it working? Are you hypnotized?

Now!

Principal Klutz. We have an issue.

Issue? Slay.

This student disrupted my class

and he has no regard for my curriculum and...

he tried to mind meld me.

This child committed a crime?

Crime is a pretty strong word.

Then he must be punished for this crime.

Well, I was just thinking, you know,

regular detention.

Wonderful!

We've just finished updating the detention room.

There's a detention room?

♪ eerie music playing ♪

You will sit, disobedient student.

For how long?

You will watch TV.

History of Wheat Farming?

The Exciting Universe of the Dewey Decimal System?

They're all so--

Awful. Terrible. Dreadful.

Miserable.

Wonderful!

♪ eerie music playing ♪

Weird.

Watching 20 screens at once is a punishment?

I was born watching 20 screens at once.

Challenge accepted.

Followed by zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.

Please make it stop!

I don't wanna know about the Dewey Decimal System!

Oh, get me out of here!

Hey.

♪ heroic music playing ♪

Come with me if you want to live.

Todd?

♪ music fades ♪

♪ "Qué Onda Guero" by Beck playing ♪

Come on.

What was your name again?

- AJ. - Nah, too many letters.

I'ma call you Young Todd. Yeah.

Because I remind you of you?

No, because I like it.

Is this where you disappear to every morning?

Nah, bro, not here.

Here.

♪ See the vegetable man in the vegetable van ♪

♪ With a horn that's honking like a mariachi band ♪

Whoa! Incredible!

It's kind of like a man cave.

Except on the roof.

And it's not really a cave

and I'm not technically a man yet.

♪ Mano Blancos roll with crowbars... ♪

Behold, Todd's Chill-Veg-Vibe-Ponder-Palace.

What do you do in here all day?

Well, I chill, and then I veg,

some light vibing, and then I ponder a bit.

During all that, I'm gaming.

How'd you bring all this up here?

Magic.

And an elaborate pulley system.

Wow!

Let's play!

Oh, heck yeah!

Planet Destroyer VI.

- Is this the new update? - Obvi.

Yo, Todd. I'm all alone out here.

- Sorry, Kreek. - Kreek...

Craft?

This isn't real.

This is fake. This is AI.

Where have you been, man?

I've been here getting my butt kicked by these aliens.

Kreek, been a little busy, man.

Meet my boy, Young Todd.

'Sup, Young Todd.

'Sup, Kreek.

See, if they taught this in school,

- I might actually like it. - I feel you.

In the four years I've been here, give or take,

school's never been this weird.

My friends were saying the same thing.

But it's all good.

You're in the Ponder Palace now.

Kick your shoes off, relax.

Have a puff.

What cheese puff?

Ooh. Found it.

And there's plenty more where that came from.

Hello? Enough with the cheese puff magic.

I'm getting blasted over here.

I need you guys.

You never leave your wingman. Get in here, Young Todd.

♪ light pensive music playing ♪

Actually...

I can't.

What's wrong, Young Todd?

Look, you're right.

Something is going on at this school.

Something weird.

Bad weird. Real bad.

My friends are down there. I can't abandon them.

- Respect. More puffs for me. - I gotta go.

Go do some good, Young Todd.

Adios.

I'm glad you're making new friends.

♪ rock music playing ♪

Left, right.

Oooh...

Oh!

♪ eerie music playing ♪

- Wow! - Wonderful!

♪ Everybody in the line getting green peas ♪

Ms. LaGrange, are you okay?

♪ Every human of your kind's gonna be seized ♪

What?

Nothing.

This is not food.

♪ whimsical music playing ♪

Confirmed.

Not food.

We need to talk.

- Where did you come from? - The air ducts.

Why were you in the air ducts?

It's a long story. Look, I was up there

and I saw the teachers in the teachers' lounge.

They were zoned out and there was

this blue electric fuzz stuff

coming out of their bathroom

and it was, like, zapping between them.

You actually saw this?

I swear. I saw what I saw.

Guys, it's probably aliens.

What?!

You think everything's aliens.

They're real! The government basically confirmed it.

Oh, good. The food is walking.

Oh, the humanity...

Is he okay?

Aw, it tastes like burning.

Ew.

You think my phone going missing has anything to do with this?

You really can make anything about your phone.

I'm serious. You saw Lazar.

She was wearing a bucket hat and that's my thing.

Hello, students.

It is your principal and supreme leader.

It is time for your classes now.

You must go to your classes

and stay there until the final bell

or there will be punishments of great discomfort.

Goodbye, and good slay.

And that!

I say "slay." That's my word.

You don't own "slay."

Compared to him, I do.

We need to get to our classes.

Alrighty!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

Okay, no way I'm going to class right now.

Should we call our parents?

With what? They have our phones.

- ♪ action music playing ♪ - Come on.

Where are we going?

- The faculty lounge? - Whatever is going on,

ground zero is the teachers' bathroom.

We gotta get in there and check it out.

I can't do this. This is all too much.

I'm gonna go find a nice desk and hide under it.

Ryan, keep it together, man.

I can't! This is a nightmare! I'm freaking out!

Okay, come on. Inhale calm, exhale fear. You try.

Inhale fear, exhale calm.

Oh, no! I inhaled the fear!

The fear is in my mouth. It tastes like burning.

He'll be okay.

♪ This is it, this is it ♪

♪ It's finally here We did it ♪

♪ This is it, this is it ♪

Todd. Hey, Todd.

Todd! It's me, AJ.

- Todd! - He's lost it.

Whoa! Young Todd!

Whoa.

- Huh? - That's Todd.

He calls me Young Todd.

Is he a teacher?

Fourth-year eighth grader.

- Who are they? - They're cool

but everything else is way worse

than we thought. We need your help.

Come on up.

♪ This is it, this is it It's finally here... ♪

What is this place?

Todd's Chill-Veg-Vibe-Ponder-Palace.

Come on in.

Sick.

It could use some guardrails.

Oh, I can definitely get you into the lounge.

Whoa.

That's a big TV.

Got the perfect thing right here.

How are those gonna get me into the lounge?

♪ This is ours for the takin' ♪

♪ This is it, this is it ♪

♪ It's finally here We did it ♪

Okay. Coast is clear.

Pull up! Pull up! Pull up!

♪ music stops ♪

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

♪ tense music playing ♪

Ugh.

- Whoa! - Ah!

Oh!

Ow.

Sorry. Dang puffs got my grip all slippy.

♪ intense dramatic music playing ♪

This is weird.

There's some kind of crazy octo-jelly fish glowing thing

on the toilet.

Glowing octo-what?

Weird.

Hold on a sec.

I'm gonna try and trace it.

♪ fast-paced rock music playing ♪

All I have to do is take it right there.

Vanished.

Let's do this thing.

Easy.

Ow.

Dude, what the heck?

You were supposed to pull me up.

You didn't say the code word!

There's a code word?

It's "magic"!

We'll meet you at the roof.

This did not go as planned.

♪ tense music playing ♪

Whee!

♪ eerie music playing ♪

Andrea?

What are you doing out here?

What are you doing out here?

I'm the hall monitor. I'm supposed to be out here.

Are you crying?

No.

It's just, I keep seeing things and...

Never mind. You're just gonna make fun of me.

Blue electrical fuzzy stuff?

- Teachers acting weird? - Yes!

Teachers acting really weird, even to me.

Teachers are never weird to me. Teachers love me.

Yeah, we know.

In art, Ms. Hannah stuck her feet

into buckets of wet cement.

Like, what?

Something is very wrong here.

Okay. Can I trust you?

Yes.

Okay. Follow me.

Okay, so this is definitely breaking a million rules.

Whoa. What is this place?

Todd's Chill-Veg-Vibe-Ponder-Palace.

Why is she here?

She knows the teachers are evil.

I said weird.

Weird, evil. Tomato, potato.

Are you guys, like, friends now?

- Absolutely not! - No!

But I do think we might need her help.

Look at this.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

What is that?

That weird octo-jelly fish machine

in the teachers' bathroom?

This is the writing on it.

It's just a bunch of triangles

and lines and a...

sideways pizza oven.

Cuneiforms.

- Huh? - Cunei-what?

Cuneiform? We learned about it

for two straight hours this morning.

Were any of you listening?

Like I said, she might be helpful. What's it say?

- We need to translate it. - How?

We don't have our phones.

There's another way.

♪ heavy rock music playing ♪

Whoa.

This is a cool room. What's it called?

The library.

Huh.

How's the library gonna help us?

It's a repository of the collective knowledge

of civilization.

All the stuff in your phone, a lot of it's here.

Oh.

Strange. These characters aren't lining up

with any of the ancient languages.

Not Egyptian, not Mesopotamian, not even Sumerian.

One word: aliens.

- Dude. - Knew that was coming.

Actually, he might be on to something.

Some people think ancient cultures were ruled by aliens

and adapted their language from them.

This one kinda looks like a ship.

And that one could be sky or space.

Spaceship.

And this one looks like

most translations for a school.

So the teachers are aliens

that came in a ship

and took over the school?

That toilet machine you saw could be some kind of weapon.

It did look like it was being charged.

- Like a battery. - Yeah.

It's definitely gathering something.

Some kind of energy.

I can't tell what.

But if I'm interpreting this correctly,

if they get enough of whatever it is...

Hey, that looks like the world exploding.

...the aliens are going to destroy the entire world.

Yes!

I told you the teachers were aliens!

Oh no! The teachers are aliens!

What is that?

Ms. Hannah.

♪ eerie music playing ♪

♪ music ends ♪

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

♪ music intensifies ♪

Don't move.

♪ intense dramatic music playing ♪

Okay, this is bad.

We need to tell a teacher.

Hearing it now. Walking it back.

We have to get out of here.

♪ upbeat rock music playing ♪

Come on, come on!

Ow!

Whoa, it's like they sealed off all the exits

with some sort of electrified alien super glue.

This is a serious fire hazard.

Whoa.

Lazar.

Ah!

- Oh, my gosh. - This is getting out of control.

You are not in class.

Why are you stealing my style?

Now I will slay you!

That's not how you use it.

Time to go.

What's with the plungers?!

- There's Klutz! - Hope this holds!

What do we do?

I don't know!

Wait, wait. I got it! I got it.

- This way! - What? Where?

What are you--

- Come on, come on! - Follow him.

Let's go!

Come on. Come on. Hurry up.

Come on. Go, go, go.

- Let's go! - Come on! Hurry!

- Go, go! - Help me! Help me up!

I'm very afraid of heights.

- Doesn't matter. Let's go! - I don't wanna die!

We'll meet you on the roof.

- What do we do? - Follow me.

Why am I running toward

a terrifying alien janitor?

I was on the Ella Mentry Elementary School's

T-ball team.

No, I never hit a ball, but I did learn how to do this.

That's gotta be the coolest thing

anyone's ever done in this hallway.

- Never mind. - What?

You haven't been doing gymnastics since you were three?

Run!

Come on! Hurry up!

♪ dark, dramatic music playing ♪

Where are you going?

What? This way.

No, that's the east wing. It's a dead end.

The west wing's a dead end.

- Come on. - You never listen!

Down here.

Ah! Alien super glue!

Remembering...

...it's a dead end.

No duh, genius.

She's coming.

Mm!

- This stinks. - Shh.

♪ "Supernatural" by Deep Valley playing ♪

Come on, hurry!

♪ You might fear me and I don't blame you ♪

♪ I didn't come here to make friends, no ♪

♪ I came to make history, so, baby, let's go ♪

I think he's gaining on us.

♪ I'm a superior supreme supernatural thing ♪

♪ I'm supernatural ♪

- Where is she? - I think I bought us some time.

Can we get to the roof?

Not from here.

♪ Do you hear me when I scream and shout? ♪

Mm!

♪ 'Cause this is serious ♪

Over here.

We can't go up.

The only way out is...

♪ music ends ♪

...down.

Always wanted to try this.

You want us to jump down there?

That is a long way down.

I am not good with heights.

I don't think we have another option.

Okay.

Inhale calm, exhale fear.

Keep your legs together

unless you want a really horrible...

...enema.

Are you hurt?

Checking...

Nope. Bones intact.

Okay.

Now it's our turn.

I-I can't.

I can't do it.

What? But you're not scared of anything.

No, dude. I'm scared a lot. I just...

I hide it and, usually, I pull it off.

But this?

We could legit die.

Lex, listen to me.

Knowing that you get scared of something

and just doing it anyway,

that's the definition of brave.

- Really? - Yes! We're your friends.

You don't need to pretend around us, ever.

Except for right now.

Right now we both need to pretend.

Together?

Three, two...

Yeehaw!

Okay, guess I'm doing this by myself.

All you.

Inhale calm, exhale fear.

Yeah! Way to go!

Swim, Ryan, swim!

Swim, swim!

Come here.

Almost there. Come on. Give me your hand.

That was awesome!

It's like allowing myself to be afraid

made it even better, right?

No! No, that was the worst experience

I've ever had in my life!

Okay...

Oh, okay.

That's not normal!

What-what do we do?

Now watch out, watch out.

- Come on. Let's go! - Go, go, go!

- Come on! - Go!

This way!

Ugh. You stink.

- I know. - Let's go change.

We can go to Drama Club.

These theater clothes are weird.

Just pick something.

Fine, but maybe next time,

you don't make me hide in the trash can

full of rotting dino nuggets.

Okay, well, maybe next time, you don't make the dumb mistake

of running down the wrong hallway.

Don't call me dumb.

Then stop being dumb.

- Then stop being a know-it-all. - Then stop being dumb.

Argh! See, this is why--

Nobody likes me? I know.

I was gonna say you annoy me, but...

No one's ever liked me.

Why do you think I suck up to teachers?

They're the only ones who have ever been nice to me.

I-I didn't know.

Of course you didn't know. You and people like you

are the reason I hate school.

You hate school?

Everyone told me this year would be different.

My parents, my algebra tutor, my history tutor,

my bio tutor, my pre-pre-SAT tutor.

Please stop saying "tutor."

And I believed them.

I thought middle school would be better, but it's not.

- It's actually so much worse. - So much worse.

♪ soft music playing ♪

What? Do I look weird?

No, I mean, yes.

I-I mean, I mean...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I haven't been nice to you.

I just thought you hated me.

Well, I did, honestly,

but only because I thought you hated me.

So we don't hate each other?

Well, if the rules of algebra

apply to interpersonal relations,

and two negatives make a positive...

What?

Never mind.

Yeah, okay.

Whoa. Wait a second.

Who am I if I don't hate Andrea Young?

Hey, you coming or what?

Wait, where are we going?

We can cut through the gym to find the others.

But Mr. Small might be in there. He's the weirdest one.

And I thought this smelled like cat pee

before it was wet.

I 100% have a rash.

Don't worry, Todd 2 and Girl Todd.

I got a bunch of clothes up on the roof.

Just gotta find a vent first.

Uh, guys?

I think I just found the mother ship.

- Oh. - Oh.

We need to find AJ.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Look at him.

He's probably communicating with their leader.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

He might even be their leader.

Okay, maybe we won't go through the gym.

We gotta go find the others.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow.

♪ tense music playing ♪

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

♪ dramatic rock music playing ♪

- Young Todd! - Guys! We found you.

- You're alive. - Why are you wet?

And where's Klutz?

Pool and pool.

Boom.

We need to show you something.

What is it?

It's clearly an alien spaceship,

aka, how they got to Earth.

- But it's tiny. - Like a toy.

It's not a toy, it's alien technology.

How did the teachers land in this? They're big.

That's what we've been trying to figure out.

I thought they used shrink rays.

Which I said, why wouldn't they make the ship big enough

so they don't have to shrink?

To which I said, maybe they were trying to save on fuel costs.

To which I said, how do we even know

they have a commodity-based economy

where fuel costs are even a concern?

They were going on like this for a while.

- Get to it. - We have no idea

- how the teachers fit in there. - No.

It's literally insect-sized.

Wait. That's it.

The flies.

Flies inside?

Unacceptable!

The weird ones that were buzzing around the teachers.

- Maybe those are the aliens. - I don't follow.

What if they're not flies?

They're tiny aliens.

And these tiny aliens...

- ...flew into their heads... - Ew.

...and took control of their bodies and brains...

And possessed them.

Hey.

Is somebody in there?

It's Small. Hide!

There's nowhere to go!

Hey, who's in there?

In the interest of being authentic with you guys,

I just want everyone to know that...

- I'm very afraid. - Come again?

Lex had a little emotional breakthrough.

What do we do?

- I say we fight! - I'm coming in!

I also had an emotional breakthrough.

Who are you guys and what have you done with my friends?

Hey!

This room is off-limits to students.

There are five of us, one of him.

Odds are, one of us will survive

and can warn the rest of the world.

Whatever we do, we have to be organized,

careful, precise.

You kids are supposed to be

in class.

Ow.

Or we could do that.

I am so going to detention.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

We shouldn't be doing this.

Sorry we had to tie you up...

Alien.

But you see, you're an alien.

- Alien! - Alien.

And we don't know what you're capable of.

Alien.

Why do you keep calling me "alien"?

What is that?

Is this some kind of underground Robotics Club meeting?

Oh, never mind. I know the first rule.

Why don't you tell us what that is

since you're the one who flew here in it,

alien!

I'm confused.

I'm not an alien.

Oh, then why were you walking down the hall

making alien noises?

"Alien noises"?

Uh, the lion's breath exhales.

I-I do them to calm me down.

What about when you were glowing blue like the other aliens?

Got an answer for that?

The-the smart bulbs.

Blue light helps boost alertness and brain function.

And what's the obsession with mind control?

You trying to take over our brains?

Not mind control,

mindfulness and self-control.

I'm not an alien!

Then why are you the weirdest one?

I'm not trying to be weird,

I just wanted you to respect me.

Look, this is my first year teaching at the school,

and I just... I-I... I wanted to make an impact,

but the truth is, this place is real strange.

Okay? The teachers are acting all cult-y,

the janitor's eating inanimate objects,

there's blue stuff going up the walls,

and I don't know what's going on!

Guys, I think he's telling the truth.

He did kill that fly. Remember?

Patience.

Look, I'm just a teacher

trying to make it through the day.

We're sure he's not an alien?

Dang it!

I had so many more questions.

Can we untie him now?

Super sorry about this.

Really sorry.

- Very sorry. - Okay.

We'll bring you up to speed, but be warned.

It's a lot.

That is... a lot.

Told ya.

By the way, what is this place?

Todd's Chill-Veg-Vibe- Ponder-Palace.

You know what? I don't wanna know.

I can't know.

Is that a soda machine? Don't answer that.

What we can't figure out is why.

Why a middle school?

It seems so...

Anticlimactic.

- Lame. - Boring.

Confusing.

Miserable.

Oh, this symbol.

It loosely translates to "misery."

How do you know that?

Because this guy looks like

a really sad emoji.

Also, I'm pretty familiar with ancient writing systems

because of this game I play called Tablets of Time.

And you didn't think to mention this before?

No.

Let's look closer.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe that's what they came for.

What? To feed on our misery?

It's not the craziest idea.

I mean, they did make school pretty miserable,

like more than usual.

First, the uniforms.

Uniforms.

Why wasn't this mentioned the first day?

The horrific lighting.

Light bulbs. Ultra LED fluorescents.

Super efficient.

Confiscating our electronics.

Everyone will turn in a phone.

The lunch food.

Eww.

Right. I mean, if I were an extraterrestrial

who fed on misery--

which I'm not...

middle school might be my first stop because...

Middle school is the most miserable place on Earth.

Look at 'em.

Pondering in the Ponder Palace,

as Todd intended.

I have a theory. I need a multimeter

from the science room... and that.

♪ "Resolution/Revolution" by The Linda Lindas playing ♪

♪ This is no resolution ♪

♪ This is a revolution ♪

As you marvel

at the beauty of your solar system

and your tiny...

planet...

So small, so puny!

...let me remind you

that you are nothing but a tiny,

insignificant speck!

Uh-oh.

Huh?

Huh? Huh?

♪ This is a revolution This is a revolution ♪

- Whoa. - Yeah, whoa.

That was so cool.

Quick, upstairs to the girls' bathroom. Come on.

First day of school fit check!

If you wanna be a trendsetter, you have to be fearless.

Fashion is comfort, kids.

Don't say I didn't tell ya.

Didn't you just upload that same thing yesterday?

Word for word.

Come on.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

- What's this theory? - Plumbing.

It's the pipes.

I think the aliens have discovered a way

to tap into energy we haven't discovered yet.

Emotional energy?

I just gotta plug this current clamp here.

Einstein did say that it was the most powerful force

- in the universe. - I knew it!

These pipes are pulsing with vast amounts of energy.

So you think they've turned the plumbing system

into a giant misery harvesting network?

And they're gathering our misery energy

into their storage vortex.

The faculty toilet!

When they reach a critical mass,

they'll be able to extend their harvesting network

through the plumbing network of the entire world.

Why plumbing? Gross.

Everybody poops.

How much time do we have?

It's hard to say for sure,

but if I had to guesstimate,

exactly 52 minutes.

The final bell.

You must go to your classes

and stay there until the final bell...

or there will be punishments of great discomfort.

So we have to destroy the storage vortex,

aka the faculty toilet,

but that's located in the teachers' lounge.

How are we gonna get in there?

♪ rock music playing ♪

Aw, no.

- You got this, man. - No, I don't.

I don't know how to be an alien.

Just act weird.

You're already weird, so this shouldn't really be hard.

Oh, and add in the word "slay" every now and then.

- They seem to love that word. - Don't worry,

we'll be in your ear the whole time.

But even if I find the thing,

how am I gonna destroy it?

I need that.

What's in here?

A bunch of bowling balls?

Yeah.

All right, I'm gonna go, uh, slay this thing.

I need to find my phone.

I think the aliens might have found out a way

to download my data and learn about us.

You just want your phone back.

Also that.

I know where the confiscated phones are.

Hall monitor.

Take a walkie and be safe.

Let's go.

♪ upbeat rock music playing ♪

This better work.

Testing, testing.

Hello?

Yep, we can hear you loud and clear.

Hi, Sharon.

Good licking to you.

Huh?!

Try alien-speak.

Mmm.

What are you doing?

Don't wanna talk about it.

I hate this already.

So, earlier, when you said you saw the video I posted,

does that mean you follow me or...?

No, your videos just come across my algo

every now and then.

- They're cool though. - Thanks.

You looked cool knocking down that wall in the bathroom.

If I had my phone, I would've filmed it.

Thanks.

AJ, come look at this.

Whoa.

Mr. Small, you were a firefighter?

A long time ago.

Now, can you please stop playing with my stuff?

Ryan, you better not be wearing my helmet.

I am definitely not.

Okay, but how did you go from...

cool firefighter guy

to middle school gym teacher?

That's kind of a sad trajectory.

No offense.

Short version...

I got injured, but I still wanted to help people.

And that's what teachers do.

Help.

With yoga?

Yeah. Look, one day,

your physical strength won't be enough

and you'll need your mental strength to get through.

I just want my students to be prepared

for anything life might throw at them. Also...

yeah, I wanted to impress you with my aerial silks.

I worked really hard on them all summer.

So you're not trying to punish us,

you're trying to help us?

Of course. Why do you think I'm out here

with a bucket hat and a bag of bowling balls?

Now, can we stop talking? I gotta go blow up this toilet.

Not like... Y-you know what I mean.

Operation Toilet Blast is a go.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

Huh?

Good slay, slaydies.

Who's in there?

It's Dubois and LaGrange.

They're just staring at me. What do I do?

Walk into the wall like an NPC.

What's an NPC?

- Just do it! - Ugh.

Oh! Oh!

Yes! Slay to you!

Oh, uh, no thanks.

I-I don't like coffee.

I love it.

You have a beautiful singing voice too.

They want me to eat coffee grounds.

Eat the grounds, Small.

I don't want to eat it.

You have to!

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Now slap yourself in the face.

Ow!

Is that what aliens do?

No, that one was just for us.

Okay, Small, tell them you have to use

the little teacher's room.

This coffee's really going right through me.

I guess I better...

use the little teacher's room.

Slay.

I'm in.

This is weird.

Right?

♪ eerie music playing ♪

Here goes nothing.

Uh, teeny problem...

Upon execution of the bowling ball toilet smash,

it bounced off and flew into the ceiling.

Uh, what was that?

Stop trying to distract me, dude.

Oh, geez!

That can't be good.

Small, time to get out of there.

Yup, yup, yup, yup.

Too late.

He needs another way out.

Call Todd. Call Todd!

Todd?

Hey! Come on!

- Okay. - Need a hand?

Yeah. Oh!

Dang puff fingers!

Ah!

Whoa!

O-occupied.

Occupée?

- I'll get the others! - Todd!

I'm not running away!

Slaydies...

Ah. Aha...

Ooh!

- He needs our help. - We need weapons.

Books?

Never thought these would come in handy.

- ♪ One, two, three, go! ♪ - Let's do it!

♪ Let's start a fight Let's start a fight ♪

- ♪ Let's start a fight ♪ - Here we are.

♪ Let's start a fight Let's start a fight ♪

♪ Yeah, we get delinquent ♪

♪ Run it, run it, run it, run it like a reprint ♪

- This could take a while. - Yeah...

♪ Keep on talking smack, I'ma smack ya in your lip ♪

♪ Let's start a fight Let's start a fight ♪

♪ Let's start a fight Let's start a... ♪

Hey, let him go!

♪ ominous music playing ♪

What have you done with him? Where is he?

Hello, children.

Wonderful.

He's one of them.

♪ "Startafight" continues ♪

Take that!

That didn't go well.

Time to run.

Is it just me or are there more phones than students here?

Oh! Found mine.

Ugh, no service, of course.

Hey, maybe FindPhone still works. Sign in.

It says it's here.

I'll ping it.

The ping's coming from... inside the room.

♪ tense music playing ♪

What is good, girlie-pops?

Eww. Give me my phone, Lazar.

I know you have it.

I literally can't.

Did you eat my phone?

Yes, queen.

I ate that. Left no crumbs.

Stop talking like that.

You're right. She absorbed your data.

Who knows what she's gonna do with it.

No, Lex, don't--

Hey, MyPhone.

- Mm-hmm. - Reset to factory settings.

You have not backed up the cloud in 97 days.

All data will be lost.

Are you sure you want to proceed?

♪ tense music swells ♪

Yes.

Very demure! Very mindful!

Say what's up to my phone!

Take over the world!

Periodt! Ah!

We did it, boys!

POV, your janitor's an alien!

Mid Dell Middle School!

Cringe, cringe, cringe, cringe, cringe!

Slay, slay, slay, slay.

- ABC... - Do I act like that?

...you and your mom will love this!

It's giving...

...world domination!

I will not be able to unsee that.

Where are you guys?

Okay, I'll go this way, you go that way.

♪ tense music continues ♪

Remember this moment

from the beginning of the movie?

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a little bit.

But, hey,

it made for an epic opening shot, didn't it?

Time to yell.

♪ upbeat rock music playing ♪

- Force field! - Here goes nothing!

Yes!

Ow.

Can we stop throwing things?

Oh no!

He's coming!

- Oh no. Oh no. - Mr. Small...

Please. It's us. Remember?

AJ, please do something!

Mr. Small, I know you're in there.

Can some part of you hear me?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna try to change his alien mindset.

A mindfulness meditation!

Yes!

Let's do one together, Mr. Small.

Repeat after me.

I am Mr. Small.

A good teacher,

a local hero,

a devoted yoga...

Person!

Say it with me.

My students love me,

and they're really sorry

for making my first day difficult.

- We are! - They understand that I want

what's best for them.

Even though they desperately wish it was anything else,

they will try to accept hot yoga as gym class.

Come on, Mr. Small.

Say it with me.

I am mentally strong, stronger than any alien fly thing

trying to control my mind.

Inhale strength...

...exhale alien fly thing.

Inhale strength...

Exhale alien fly...

thing!

Is he dead?

Nice mantra, AJ.

What just happened?

Last thing I remember,

the alien flew into my ear

and then I heard you talking,

and I felt this overwhelming emotion

and it debilitated the alien in my head.

A different kind of emotional energy.

Yeah.

Love, a-appreciation...

I felt it.

And it destroyed the bug.

Love is the opposite of misery.

Is there some way we can use love

to fight the teachers in the next...

six minutes?

I think so, but I have to get on the P.A.

♪ upbeat rock music playing ♪

Stand back.

I'm gonna love bomb these aliens.

Melody, Lisa,

let's hug it out. Love wins!

Whoa!

- Okay, maybe yoga's pretty cool. - Get behind me.

♪ "Woosah" playing ♪

Say hello to my little friend, Warrior One!

What is happening?!

Get to the P.A. system! I'll hold them off!

Good luck!

Ha!

Wonderful.

We're gonna have to fight him, aren't we?

Warning, children: What we're about to do

is dangerous and could cause injury,

detention, or even expulsion.

Do not attempt this at home

unless your principal's an alien.

Hey, Klutz.

Go get him, AJ!

♪ "Fat Lip" by Sum 41 playing ♪

Go, go!

Run!

Take that!

Hurry! You've got one minute.

Ryan, distract him for me!

Take that!

Books never work!

Attention all teachers and staff, attention.

I have an announcement.

Pay attention!

Please listen to my words.

Are you some kind of Terminator?

I know you can hear me.

Teachers, I need you to fight the aliens in your heads.

These tiny aliens,

they're controlling you.

They're making you weird... er.

But you can fight them.

Teachers, you are not that bad.

No, Klutzy! No, Klutzy!

I don't hate you teachers as much as I thought.

Really, AJ?!

I mean, I guess you're all trying your best.

- AJ. - Ugh! Okay, okay.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I...

...love you, guys.

Teachers are awesome.

You're trying to help,

day after day, class after class.

And your job is hard and thankless. And, teach--

- Huh? - AJ, watch out!

Todd!

- Ahh! - Todd?

You got this, Young Todd.

Yes!

Watch out!

Ahh!

Okay, uh...

Listen up!

Teachers and janitors don't get paid enough.

You should be making what doctors make. More, even.

Actually, three times as much as them.

They can't pay you enough!

In fact, I plan to write a strongly-worded letter

to the president about this,

of the United States!

And I'll tell them, you teachers are out here

showing up every day for...

Whoa!

...for a bunch of kids who don't appreciate

what you do for them.

But that stops today!

Nope.

Today, teachers and staff, I, Arlo Jervis Williams...

Oh, no! Whoa!

...promise you that we will do better!

It's working! Keep going!

We will be better

for all the teachers...

- ...and the staff too! - Huh?

All of you!

We promise...

we will be there for you

the way you are for us.

So don't give up on us.

Fight them! Right now.

We need you to know how much we appreciate you.

We respect you.

We see you.

And we hear you.

We miss all of you.

And we want you back in our classrooms...

...and in our cafeterias.

And maybe we don't deserve it,

but right now, we just need one more favor.

Be our teachers again.

It's over.

I just had the strangest dream.

Yes!

Why is she still fighting?!

French!

You have to do it in French, AJ,

for Dubois. She is still fighting.

I don't know French yet.

AJ!

- Oh no! - Huh?

What happened?

I also do not know what just happened.

Yes!

It worked, Andrea! It worked!

- Yes! - Yes!

Why does my face hurt?

Is that my oil on canvas?

Oh... what did I eat?

Whoo!

Yeah!

♪ "I Got You" by Little League playing ♪

I got you, Mr. Docker. Come on.

♪ "I Got You" continues ♪

Thank you.

Why are my ears ringing?

Huh?

- Yes! - Whoa!

Yeah!

- Guys, we did it! We did it! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

For the love of Ryan Seacrest,

would somebody please tell me what happened?

These kids stepped up.

That's what happened.

Oh, and the faculty toilet exploded.

Yeah.

Ugh. I'm getting too old for this crap.

♪ "The Anthem" by Good Charlotte playing ♪

So things went back to normal.

Well, normal weird.

476, 477, 478...

Everybody, we are so close! Please hurry! Run!

Yes, Andrea! Yes!

478, 479... You!

You!

Yes!

480, 481! Yes!

- AJ! - Watch this.

Don't let me down. Go, go, go!

Yes! Five, four, three,

two...

482!

Yes!

We did it!

Voilà!

Wow. What do we think?

Yes!

Do the face!

Let's do the face!

Let's do the face!

All right.

You all wanted regular gym?

Fine.

You're all running the mile.

Aww.

I'm just kidding. Who's up for some dodgeball?

♪ "Go to college, a university" ♪

♪ "Get a real job" That's what they said to me ♪

♪ But I could never live the way they want ♪

- Oh, Andrea. - Bye.

We're going to Ryan's to play PD6. Wanna come?

I have nine tests to study for,

but I can multitask.

So, Lex, how does it feel to be officially phoneless?

- Mmm. - Kind of a slay.

That word is dead to me.

As for being phoneless, I actually love it.

And honestly, I can live a happy life without a phone,

but I am getting a new one this weekend.

Hey, yo! Young Todd!

- Young Todd's squad. - Todd?

Did you go to class today?

Yeah, I figured maybe I'd give school another shot.

Can't be in the eighth grade forever. Right?

Also, you got a little something there.

Ooh.

See you all tomorrow.

- Bye, Todd! - Bye, Todd!

You gotta admit, today was a pretty good day, wasn't it?

It maybe wasn't a totally terrible day,

but I still hate school.

♪ eerie music playing ♪

♪ "The Anthem" continues ♪

♪ This is the anthem Throw all your hands up ♪

♪ Y'all got to feel me Sing if you're with me ♪

♪ Another loser anthem Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Another loser anthem Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Another loser anthem Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Another loser anthem ♪

♪ upbeat pop punk music playing ♪

♪ You wanna tell me what to do Heck no ♪

♪ You want me to play by the rules, heck no ♪

♪ You want me to be another mindless fool ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ You wanna tell me what to say, heck no ♪

♪ You want me to play your stupid games, heck no ♪

♪ But won't you just get up and out my way ♪

♪ We won't play by the rules ♪

♪ We won't be another mindless fool ♪

♪ Get me out of this school ♪

♪ Everyone is weird ♪

♪ Get me out of here ♪

♪ Get me out of here ♪

♪ Everyone is weird ♪

♪ Get me out of here ♪

♪ I'm so sick of following your orders ♪

♪ So sick of doing what you tell me, no ♪

♪ Don't care if that's gonna be a problem ♪

♪ I'm getting out of this school ♪

♪ So sick of following your orders ♪

♪ Don't care if that's gonna be a problem ♪

♪ No, 'cause I'm getting out ♪

♪ Getting the heck out of here ♪

♪ We won't play by your rules ♪

♪ We won't be another mindless fool ♪

♪ Get me out ♪

♪ Of this school ♪

♪ Everyone is weird ♪

♪ Get me out of here ♪

Todd? Todd? Where is everyone?

I hope they saved the world.

♪ Everyone is weird ♪

♪ upbeat rock music playing ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ "Woosah" by Charmaine playing ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Woosah ♪

♪ Wax on, wax off and breathe in two times ♪

♪ Child, those ain't-- Shh! Never make it too loud ♪

♪ Breathe in Out ♪

♪ Woosah ♪

♪ Breathe in Out ♪

♪ Woosah, woosah ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Leavin' them salty the way I shake it ♪

♪ Sweet by the way that I bake it ♪

♪ Never need spice I'm feelin' Jamaican ♪

♪ I am the captain I don't need savin' ♪

♪ Woosah, I been feelin' way too fly ♪

♪ Breathe in ♪

♪ Only when I'm feeling new vibes ♪

♪ New vibes ♪

♪ Woosah ♪

♪ Breathe in Out ♪

♪ Woosah ♪

♪ Woosah ♪

♪ Woosah ♪

♪ Breathe in Out ♪

♪ Woo! ♪

Uh! Check it. ♪ It's Ms. LaGrange ♪

♪ Gettin' real strange on the microphone ♪

♪ Lunch food ain't nothin' like you got at home ♪

♪ We got the greens and the beans ♪

♪ And the chicka-chicka-peas ♪

♪ Garbanzo beans! ♪